Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Case of the Missing Diary - full transcript
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMS]
What is your problem?
-KAREN: Spider! Spider!
-[SCREAMS]
What's all this screaming?
You guys waxing
your mustaches again?
No, there's a big, ugly,
hairy spider on the table.
Ooh, a spider.
You guys are such wusses.
Ah, don't kill it.
What do you want me to do?
Read him his rights?
No, it's a living thing.
Show a little compassion.
Take it outside
so it can be with its family.
And eat its husband.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
BOTH: Oh.
It is kind of cute.
I mean, look at it.
[SCREAMING]
Well,
it's awfully cold outside,
so you do deserve
a nice warm place to sleep.
Like Dana's bed.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SCREAMING]
♪ The dream got broken
Seemed like all was lost
♪ What would be the future
Could you pay the cost
♪ You wonder
♪ Will there ever be
A second time around?
♪ Woah-oh, woah-oh
♪ When the tears are over
And the moment has come
♪ Say "My lord,
I think I found someone"
♪ And no one would be better
♪ To be putting it together
For the second time around
♪ Step by step
Day by day
♪ Day by day
♪ A fresh start over
A different hand to play
♪ The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
♪ And we'll be better
The second time around
♪ Step by step
Day by day
♪ We'll be better
The second time around ♪
Hey, Cody, what are you doing?
Uh, I'm working on
a '40s style mystery
for my creative writing course.
"I woke up one morning
and found that my socks
were horribly mismatched."
Yeah, I love the idea,
but I don't think
I've got enough for a novel yet.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, I need something
with a little suspense,
a little intrigue,
some kind of mystery.
Okay, Dana, where's my diary?
How am I supposed to know?
Well, someone took it.
I left it on my dresser
and now it's gone.
Whoa!
that's a perfect idea
for my forties mystery.
"The Case of the Missing Diary."
Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Funny.
CODY: This is the big city.
The kind of a place where
if you don't watch your back,
you'll end up wearing a sign
that says "Kick Me."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
The name's Spud. Sam Spud.
I'm a private detective,
a shamus,
a gumshoe.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was just about to
call it a day,
when fate threw me a curve.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Hi there.
Are you Sam Spud?
That's what it says
on the door, doesn't it?
Actually, it says "Dups Mas."
Whoa! [EXCLAIMS]
I put my name on the
wrong side of the door.
No wonder business has been
so slow.
May I come in?
Sure. Take a load off, sister.
CODY: [VOICEOVER]
This dame was a knock out.
She had the kind of legs that made you wish you were a pair of no nonsense pantyhose.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I could see why.
She was a no nonsense
kind of dame.
CODY: Toothpick?
KAREN: No, thanks.
I'm trying to quit.
So, uh, what seems to be
the problem, Miss...?
Meow... Kitty Meow.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Kitty Meow?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What were your parents
thinking?
That's my stage name.
I'm a...
Singer in a nightclub.
A songbird, eh?
So, what can I do for you?
Someone stole my diary.
And I need you to find it.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, before I take the case,
I got a question
I got to ask you.
-Strictly routine, huh.
-All right.
How many obtuse angles
are there in a trapezoid?
-Two.
-Okay, I'll take the case.
But it's going to cost you.
I don't work for peanuts,
you know.
I know. That's why,
I brought these.
Ah, cashews.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CODY: Kitty worked at
a little joint downtown
called The Club Sandwich.
They served one thing,
and one thing only.
Chili.
♪ Oh, now you're
singing with a swing
The club was owned
by a guy named Frankie
"The Tuna" Sandwich.
They called him "The Tuna"
because if you crossed him,
he packed you in water.
Kitty sang with a group called the Andrews Stepsisters.
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
[JT LAUGHS]
[CONTINUE LAUGHING]
How ya' doin',
ladies and germs.
My name is Buddy Rimshot.
[RIMSHOT]
[LAUGHS]
You know, I tell ya',
my mother-in-law, she's so fat
that when she wears yellow,
people think she's a school bus.
[RIMSHOT]
[JT LAUGHS]
Thank you,
you're a great audience.
Now I know why
they call it a depression.
-[RIMSHOT]
-[JT LAUGHS]
God, I kill myself. [LAUGHS]
Next up, we've got a
real treat for you.
Please welcome the
sensational song stylings
of Miss Honey Dew.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ There's...
♪ A somebody
I'm longin' to see
♪ I hope that he...
♪ Turns out to be...
♪ Someone to watch over me
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
♪ Although he may not
♪ Be the man
[CORK POPS]
♪ Some girls think of
♪ As handsome
♪ To my mind
♪ He carries the key
♪ Won't you tell him, please?
♪ To put on some speed
♪ Follow my lead
♪ Oh, how I need
♪ Someone to watch over me
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ Oh, I need
♪ Someone who'll watch
♪ Over
♪ Me ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
Cigars?
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Sorry about the short set.
Believe me, Honey, from here...
Your set looked great.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Thanks for noticing, Frankie.
If you want to get together
a little later,
just whistle.
You know how to whistle,
don't you, Frankie?
No, that's why
I have one of these.
[WHISTLES]
I love a man with
expensive jewelry.
[SIGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CODY: Hey there, Frankie.
Sam Spud.
What brings you here?
A '38 Buick. But,
that's not important right now.
It seems that one of your
singers, a Miss Kitty Meow,
went and got her diary stolen.
You wouldn't know anything
about that, would you, Frankie?
Hey, Sam,
I may be a racketeer,
kidnappin', hit man,
and a low rent, dirtbag crook,
but I draw the line
at stealing a girl's diary.
Yeah, well, that remains
to be seen,
but until that diary
is recovered,
everyone's a suspect.
You got me?
Everyone's a suspect, alright.
Hey, hold it, sister.
I got a few questions
to ask you.
And wipe that "holier than thou"
look off your face
or I give you one with a ruler.
Okay, boss, it's payday.
Yeah, can we have our allowance?
I mean, our take, Boss.
Sure, boys, here you go.
Five bucks? Is that all?
Hey, it's the forties.
Five bucks is down payment
on a house. Now scram.
Man, is he cheap.
He's so cheap, he puts
an I.O.U. in his
penny loafers.
-[RIMSHOT]
-Oh, God, I kill me.
He keeps that up,
I'll kill him myself.
Hey there, Frankie,
keep those two on a
pretty short leash, huh?
Mind if I ask them
a couple of questions about
the missing diary?
Why bother, Spud?
The big one can't read and
the little one still thinks
girls have cooties.
Hey, Frankie.
Honey.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah?
How about a little nightcap?
Why, sure.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Thanks.
Who is this?
Sam Spud, private investigator.
You mind if I ask you
a couple of questions,
here, Miss Dew?
Alone?
Ah, sure, I get it.
Three's a crowd.
I always thought
three's company.
[RIMSHOT]
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well now, there, ah, Miss Dew,
do you have any idea
who would want to steal
Kitty Meow's diary?
Oh, I can't imagine
who'd want to do
such a terrible thing
to a sweet gal like Kitty.
Although, the other girls
in the group do have a motive.
What's that?
A motive? That's a reason
for wanting to steal the diary.
And what's that?
It's a little book
you write your
personal thoughts in.
Well, thank you very much,
Miss Dew.
You've been very helpful.
Hey, gumshoe,
what I'm trying to tell you is,
the other girls may be
jealous of Kitty
and want a shot at the
center microphone.
Hey, Honey,
I'm going to work out
with the Detroit Tigers.
AL: I'll be back
in a couple of days.
CAROL: Sure.
Hey there, uh, Coco,
mind if I ask you a
couple of questions?
No. As long as you don't mind
if I'm not here.
CODY: Well, well, well.
What do we got here?
[EXPLOSION]
A diary.
Kitty Meow's diary, huh?
How'd that get in there?
I've been framed.
Framed, I tell ya'. Framed!
Yeah, sure.
That's what the Mona Lisa said.
Where are you taking me?
You'll find out.
Right after these
commercial messages.
[ROOSTER CROWS]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[ROOSTER CROWS]
Boy,
the neighborhood
sure is changing.
Come on, Spud,
unlock these things.
I'm innocent, I tell ya'.
Innocent.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
I sent that diary over
to the lab. We'll see whose
fingerprints show up.
Guten morgen, Herr Shpud.
I have the results
back from the lab.
Talk to me, Professor.
You were right.
That diary had
more fingerprints on it
than Madonna.
But that's impossible.
I never touched that book.
I did not say they were yours,
Meine Kleine Liebchen.
Well, if they're not your
Klein Liebchen's,
then whose are they?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, there's Kitty's,
Buddy's, Cassie's,
Frankie's, Fingers', Honey's
und yours.
Und mine?
That means that
I'm a suspect, too.
Ha!
Maybe I should put a tail
on myself.
All right.
So, Meine Herr,
how are you going to
solve this caper?
Hey, I'm the detective.
I got ways of making
any criminal sing.
You just round up the suspects,
I'll break out my
karaoke machine.
♪ Strangers in the night...
Nein, nein, not the singing.
♪ Exchanging glances
♪ Wondering in the night... ♪
[GLASS BREAKS]
Alright, Spud, what's goin' on?
I've got numbers to run,
people to kidnap, and...
Dance class at three.
I brought you all here
because someone in this room
stole Kitty Meow's diary.
[MUSIC STING]
But I thought it was Coco.
Ah, that's what they
wanted you to think.
But the real culprit
was someone who would
benefit by upsetting Kitty
and framing Coco.
Someone who had access
to the dressing room.
A real big chip on his shoulder.
Someone like... Cassie.
[PIANO STING]
Fishing in the wrong lake,
flatfoot.
Why would I want to frame Coco?
Come on, you've made no attempt
to hide how you really felt
about her.
And your fingerprints were
all over that diary.
Okay, I read the diary,
but I had to. I had a book
report due and the library
was closed.
-But I didn't steal it.
-No, you didn't.
That was a practice guess.
Okay, my real guess.
Is Buddy.
Me?
Yeah, you.
I know all about your
secret ambition.
You mean, to be a model
and live off my looks?
No, your other secret ambition.
to be a singer in an
all girl band.
You thought if you could put on
a wig and a dress,
you could team up with
Kitty and Cassie.
Oh...
Oh, okay, okay, I admit it,
it's true.
I do want to sing in an
all girl band and
wear high heels.
Is that so wrong?
I would never frame
Coco to get it.
I'm telling you, I'm innocent.
Yeah, you are,
and you'd look great
in high heels.
But that's not the point
right now.
This whole caper is
starting to smell fishy.
That's why I'm thinking tuna.
Eh, Frankie?
[PIANO STING]
Come on, Spud. The girls were
making me money. Why would I
want to break up the act?
Because you know what
show business'll do to ya'.
It'll chew you up and
spit you out, just like
Erik Estrada.
You wouldn't want that to
happen to Coco.
-Because she's your daughter.
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
-Your daughter!
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
-Your daughter!
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
[LAUGHINGG] Yeah, I love that.
How'd you know that, Spud?
Because I took the liberty of
looking at your
auto insurance policy.
You named Coco as an
additional driver.
Nobody in their right mind
would put a teenager on their
insurance policy unless
-she was your daughter.
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
[CODY LAUGHS]
Is it true?
You're my fadda?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, pal, it's true.
You're my dawdda.
Cool, I'm a Mafia princess.
Move over, Susan Lucci.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Alright, alright,
Spud, it is true.
Coco is my daughter.
But I got nothing against
show business.
If that's what she wants,
then I'm all for it.
But I didn't steal no diary.
No, you didn't.
but we're narrowing it down
now, aren't we.
Okay, who's still a suspect?
Raise your hand.
Okay, now,
I know exactly how
I'm going to solve this case
right now.
Eeny meenie, miny mo,
catch a tiger by the toe.
If he hollers, let him go.
Eeny meenie, miny mo.
My mother said to--
Okay, okay.
Quit raking me over the coals.
I confess. I did it. It was me.
It was?
Whoa, I thought it was
the little dude by the piano.
Yeah, well, I stole the diary
and planted it in
Coco's suitcase.
Then I jimmied the locks,
loosened the floorboards
so Coco would trip,
the suitcase would open,
the diary would be there
and would incriminate her.
But why would you do something
so terrible,
so awful, so...
...complicated?
You're young.
You don't understand.
Singing is all I know.
I mean, if you kids push me
out of the way,
what am I supposed to do?
Sell exercise equipment?
Start my own talk show?
Come on, sister,
the show's over.
The ship has sailed,
the fat lady has sung.
Elvis has left the building.
I hated slapping the cuffs
on a beautiful dame like Honey,
but what other choice
did I have?
Guess it's all part of being
a private eye.
-[TYPING]
-CODY: The end.
Ah! What do you think,
Kare-bear?
Cody, that was wonderful.
And I wear
such great clothes in it.
Yeah, buddy.
Oh, Karen, I got your diary.
Your mom must have put it
in my drawer by mistake.
You didn't read it, did you?
Hey, do I look like the kind
of person who would read
someone's diary?
I guess not.
"Bobby's arms were like
two bands of steel.
"When he kissed me,
my heart fluttered like a
tiny hummingbird."
I'm going to kill you.
Wow.
Wow, hey, that's a
killer new idea for a
forties mystery.
"The Case of the
Dead Stepsister."
[LAUGHS]
Hey,
I feel like that old babe on
"Murder, She Wrote."
♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing
♪ Everybody start to sing
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing
♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing
♪ Everybody start to sing
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing
♪ When the music goes around
♪ Everybody goes to town
♪ But here's something
you should know
♪ Whoa, baby, whoa!
♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing
♪ Everybody start to sing
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing ♪
[SCREAMS]
What is your problem?
-KAREN: Spider! Spider!
-[SCREAMS]
What's all this screaming?
You guys waxing
your mustaches again?
No, there's a big, ugly,
hairy spider on the table.
Ooh, a spider.
You guys are such wusses.
Ah, don't kill it.
What do you want me to do?
Read him his rights?
No, it's a living thing.
Show a little compassion.
Take it outside
so it can be with its family.
And eat its husband.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
BOTH: Oh.
It is kind of cute.
I mean, look at it.
[SCREAMING]
Well,
it's awfully cold outside,
so you do deserve
a nice warm place to sleep.
Like Dana's bed.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SCREAMING]
♪ The dream got broken
Seemed like all was lost
♪ What would be the future
Could you pay the cost
♪ You wonder
♪ Will there ever be
A second time around?
♪ Woah-oh, woah-oh
♪ When the tears are over
And the moment has come
♪ Say "My lord,
I think I found someone"
♪ And no one would be better
♪ To be putting it together
For the second time around
♪ Step by step
Day by day
♪ Day by day
♪ A fresh start over
A different hand to play
♪ The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
♪ And we'll be better
The second time around
♪ Step by step
Day by day
♪ We'll be better
The second time around ♪
Hey, Cody, what are you doing?
Uh, I'm working on
a '40s style mystery
for my creative writing course.
"I woke up one morning
and found that my socks
were horribly mismatched."
Yeah, I love the idea,
but I don't think
I've got enough for a novel yet.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, I need something
with a little suspense,
a little intrigue,
some kind of mystery.
Okay, Dana, where's my diary?
How am I supposed to know?
Well, someone took it.
I left it on my dresser
and now it's gone.
Whoa!
that's a perfect idea
for my forties mystery.
"The Case of the Missing Diary."
Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Funny.
CODY: This is the big city.
The kind of a place where
if you don't watch your back,
you'll end up wearing a sign
that says "Kick Me."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
The name's Spud. Sam Spud.
I'm a private detective,
a shamus,
a gumshoe.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was just about to
call it a day,
when fate threw me a curve.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Hi there.
Are you Sam Spud?
That's what it says
on the door, doesn't it?
Actually, it says "Dups Mas."
Whoa! [EXCLAIMS]
I put my name on the
wrong side of the door.
No wonder business has been
so slow.
May I come in?
Sure. Take a load off, sister.
CODY: [VOICEOVER]
This dame was a knock out.
She had the kind of legs that made you wish you were a pair of no nonsense pantyhose.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I could see why.
She was a no nonsense
kind of dame.
CODY: Toothpick?
KAREN: No, thanks.
I'm trying to quit.
So, uh, what seems to be
the problem, Miss...?
Meow... Kitty Meow.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Kitty Meow?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What were your parents
thinking?
That's my stage name.
I'm a...
Singer in a nightclub.
A songbird, eh?
So, what can I do for you?
Someone stole my diary.
And I need you to find it.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, before I take the case,
I got a question
I got to ask you.
-Strictly routine, huh.
-All right.
How many obtuse angles
are there in a trapezoid?
-Two.
-Okay, I'll take the case.
But it's going to cost you.
I don't work for peanuts,
you know.
I know. That's why,
I brought these.
Ah, cashews.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CODY: Kitty worked at
a little joint downtown
called The Club Sandwich.
They served one thing,
and one thing only.
Chili.
♪ Oh, now you're
singing with a swing
The club was owned
by a guy named Frankie
"The Tuna" Sandwich.
They called him "The Tuna"
because if you crossed him,
he packed you in water.
Kitty sang with a group called the Andrews Stepsisters.
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
[JT LAUGHS]
[CONTINUE LAUGHING]
How ya' doin',
ladies and germs.
My name is Buddy Rimshot.
[RIMSHOT]
[LAUGHS]
You know, I tell ya',
my mother-in-law, she's so fat
that when she wears yellow,
people think she's a school bus.
[RIMSHOT]
[JT LAUGHS]
Thank you,
you're a great audience.
Now I know why
they call it a depression.
-[RIMSHOT]
-[JT LAUGHS]
God, I kill myself. [LAUGHS]
Next up, we've got a
real treat for you.
Please welcome the
sensational song stylings
of Miss Honey Dew.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ There's...
♪ A somebody
I'm longin' to see
♪ I hope that he...
♪ Turns out to be...
♪ Someone to watch over me
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
♪ Although he may not
♪ Be the man
[CORK POPS]
♪ Some girls think of
♪ As handsome
♪ To my mind
♪ He carries the key
♪ Won't you tell him, please?
♪ To put on some speed
♪ Follow my lead
♪ Oh, how I need
♪ Someone to watch over me
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ Oh, I need
♪ Someone who'll watch
♪ Over
♪ Me ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
Cigars?
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Sorry about the short set.
Believe me, Honey, from here...
Your set looked great.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Thanks for noticing, Frankie.
If you want to get together
a little later,
just whistle.
You know how to whistle,
don't you, Frankie?
No, that's why
I have one of these.
[WHISTLES]
I love a man with
expensive jewelry.
[SIGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
CODY: Hey there, Frankie.
Sam Spud.
What brings you here?
A '38 Buick. But,
that's not important right now.
It seems that one of your
singers, a Miss Kitty Meow,
went and got her diary stolen.
You wouldn't know anything
about that, would you, Frankie?
Hey, Sam,
I may be a racketeer,
kidnappin', hit man,
and a low rent, dirtbag crook,
but I draw the line
at stealing a girl's diary.
Yeah, well, that remains
to be seen,
but until that diary
is recovered,
everyone's a suspect.
You got me?
Everyone's a suspect, alright.
Hey, hold it, sister.
I got a few questions
to ask you.
And wipe that "holier than thou"
look off your face
or I give you one with a ruler.
Okay, boss, it's payday.
Yeah, can we have our allowance?
I mean, our take, Boss.
Sure, boys, here you go.
Five bucks? Is that all?
Hey, it's the forties.
Five bucks is down payment
on a house. Now scram.
Man, is he cheap.
He's so cheap, he puts
an I.O.U. in his
penny loafers.
-[RIMSHOT]
-Oh, God, I kill me.
He keeps that up,
I'll kill him myself.
Hey there, Frankie,
keep those two on a
pretty short leash, huh?
Mind if I ask them
a couple of questions about
the missing diary?
Why bother, Spud?
The big one can't read and
the little one still thinks
girls have cooties.
Hey, Frankie.
Honey.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah?
How about a little nightcap?
Why, sure.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Thanks.
Who is this?
Sam Spud, private investigator.
You mind if I ask you
a couple of questions,
here, Miss Dew?
Alone?
Ah, sure, I get it.
Three's a crowd.
I always thought
three's company.
[RIMSHOT]
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well now, there, ah, Miss Dew,
do you have any idea
who would want to steal
Kitty Meow's diary?
Oh, I can't imagine
who'd want to do
such a terrible thing
to a sweet gal like Kitty.
Although, the other girls
in the group do have a motive.
What's that?
A motive? That's a reason
for wanting to steal the diary.
And what's that?
It's a little book
you write your
personal thoughts in.
Well, thank you very much,
Miss Dew.
You've been very helpful.
Hey, gumshoe,
what I'm trying to tell you is,
the other girls may be
jealous of Kitty
and want a shot at the
center microphone.
Hey, Honey,
I'm going to work out
with the Detroit Tigers.
AL: I'll be back
in a couple of days.
CAROL: Sure.
Hey there, uh, Coco,
mind if I ask you a
couple of questions?
No. As long as you don't mind
if I'm not here.
CODY: Well, well, well.
What do we got here?
[EXPLOSION]
A diary.
Kitty Meow's diary, huh?
How'd that get in there?
I've been framed.
Framed, I tell ya'. Framed!
Yeah, sure.
That's what the Mona Lisa said.
Where are you taking me?
You'll find out.
Right after these
commercial messages.
[ROOSTER CROWS]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[ROOSTER CROWS]
Boy,
the neighborhood
sure is changing.
Come on, Spud,
unlock these things.
I'm innocent, I tell ya'.
Innocent.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
I sent that diary over
to the lab. We'll see whose
fingerprints show up.
Guten morgen, Herr Shpud.
I have the results
back from the lab.
Talk to me, Professor.
You were right.
That diary had
more fingerprints on it
than Madonna.
But that's impossible.
I never touched that book.
I did not say they were yours,
Meine Kleine Liebchen.
Well, if they're not your
Klein Liebchen's,
then whose are they?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, there's Kitty's,
Buddy's, Cassie's,
Frankie's, Fingers', Honey's
und yours.
Und mine?
That means that
I'm a suspect, too.
Ha!
Maybe I should put a tail
on myself.
All right.
So, Meine Herr,
how are you going to
solve this caper?
Hey, I'm the detective.
I got ways of making
any criminal sing.
You just round up the suspects,
I'll break out my
karaoke machine.
♪ Strangers in the night...
Nein, nein, not the singing.
♪ Exchanging glances
♪ Wondering in the night... ♪
[GLASS BREAKS]
Alright, Spud, what's goin' on?
I've got numbers to run,
people to kidnap, and...
Dance class at three.
I brought you all here
because someone in this room
stole Kitty Meow's diary.
[MUSIC STING]
But I thought it was Coco.
Ah, that's what they
wanted you to think.
But the real culprit
was someone who would
benefit by upsetting Kitty
and framing Coco.
Someone who had access
to the dressing room.
A real big chip on his shoulder.
Someone like... Cassie.
[PIANO STING]
Fishing in the wrong lake,
flatfoot.
Why would I want to frame Coco?
Come on, you've made no attempt
to hide how you really felt
about her.
And your fingerprints were
all over that diary.
Okay, I read the diary,
but I had to. I had a book
report due and the library
was closed.
-But I didn't steal it.
-No, you didn't.
That was a practice guess.
Okay, my real guess.
Is Buddy.
Me?
Yeah, you.
I know all about your
secret ambition.
You mean, to be a model
and live off my looks?
No, your other secret ambition.
to be a singer in an
all girl band.
You thought if you could put on
a wig and a dress,
you could team up with
Kitty and Cassie.
Oh...
Oh, okay, okay, I admit it,
it's true.
I do want to sing in an
all girl band and
wear high heels.
Is that so wrong?
I would never frame
Coco to get it.
I'm telling you, I'm innocent.
Yeah, you are,
and you'd look great
in high heels.
But that's not the point
right now.
This whole caper is
starting to smell fishy.
That's why I'm thinking tuna.
Eh, Frankie?
[PIANO STING]
Come on, Spud. The girls were
making me money. Why would I
want to break up the act?
Because you know what
show business'll do to ya'.
It'll chew you up and
spit you out, just like
Erik Estrada.
You wouldn't want that to
happen to Coco.
-Because she's your daughter.
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
-Your daughter!
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
-Your daughter!
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
[LAUGHINGG] Yeah, I love that.
How'd you know that, Spud?
Because I took the liberty of
looking at your
auto insurance policy.
You named Coco as an
additional driver.
Nobody in their right mind
would put a teenager on their
insurance policy unless
-she was your daughter.
-[EVERYBODY GASPS]
[CODY LAUGHS]
Is it true?
You're my fadda?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, pal, it's true.
You're my dawdda.
Cool, I'm a Mafia princess.
Move over, Susan Lucci.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Alright, alright,
Spud, it is true.
Coco is my daughter.
But I got nothing against
show business.
If that's what she wants,
then I'm all for it.
But I didn't steal no diary.
No, you didn't.
but we're narrowing it down
now, aren't we.
Okay, who's still a suspect?
Raise your hand.
Okay, now,
I know exactly how
I'm going to solve this case
right now.
Eeny meenie, miny mo,
catch a tiger by the toe.
If he hollers, let him go.
Eeny meenie, miny mo.
My mother said to--
Okay, okay.
Quit raking me over the coals.
I confess. I did it. It was me.
It was?
Whoa, I thought it was
the little dude by the piano.
Yeah, well, I stole the diary
and planted it in
Coco's suitcase.
Then I jimmied the locks,
loosened the floorboards
so Coco would trip,
the suitcase would open,
the diary would be there
and would incriminate her.
But why would you do something
so terrible,
so awful, so...
...complicated?
You're young.
You don't understand.
Singing is all I know.
I mean, if you kids push me
out of the way,
what am I supposed to do?
Sell exercise equipment?
Start my own talk show?
Come on, sister,
the show's over.
The ship has sailed,
the fat lady has sung.
Elvis has left the building.
I hated slapping the cuffs
on a beautiful dame like Honey,
but what other choice
did I have?
Guess it's all part of being
a private eye.
-[TYPING]
-CODY: The end.
Ah! What do you think,
Kare-bear?
Cody, that was wonderful.
And I wear
such great clothes in it.
Yeah, buddy.
Oh, Karen, I got your diary.
Your mom must have put it
in my drawer by mistake.
You didn't read it, did you?
Hey, do I look like the kind
of person who would read
someone's diary?
I guess not.
"Bobby's arms were like
two bands of steel.
"When he kissed me,
my heart fluttered like a
tiny hummingbird."
I'm going to kill you.
Wow.
Wow, hey, that's a
killer new idea for a
forties mystery.
"The Case of the
Dead Stepsister."
[LAUGHS]
Hey,
I feel like that old babe on
"Murder, She Wrote."
♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing
♪ Everybody start to sing
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing
♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing
♪ Everybody start to sing
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing
♪ When the music goes around
♪ Everybody goes to town
♪ But here's something
you should know
♪ Whoa, baby, whoa!
♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing
♪ Everybody start to sing
♪ La dee da, oh, oh, oh
♪ Now you're
singing with a swing ♪