Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 11 - Christmas Story - full transcript

Frank and Carol are arrested by a know-it-all, Barney Fife-type deputy on Christmas eve when they are accused of being burglars.

Hey.

Yuletide greetings, dudes.

Have I got a major Christmas
surprise for you?

This should be good.

Hey, guess what?

The chamber of commerce
is having a contest

for the best
Christmas decorations.

So, I'm putting the finishing
touches on my van.

Sounds neat, Cody.

Can we see
your Christmas display?

Yeah, buddy.



Hold onto your hats,
ladies and gentlemen.

Cody Lambert presents
the glory of Christmas.

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Yeah, Christmas.

The time of peace on earth
and goodwill toward men.

Really bitchin' decorations.

Now the first stop
on our holiday tour

will be the North Pole.

Look,
it's snowing over there.

Matter of fact,
it's snowing everywhere.

Yeah, just a little Yuletide
magic there, little buddy.

Now we all know the main man
at Christmas

is Jolly Old Saint Nick.

Look, there he is now.



Hey, Santa.

Ho, ho, ho.

But, of course,
Christmas is about

more than just
a fat guy in a red suit.

It all started in
a little town called Bethlehem.

Let's return now to those
thrilling days of yesteryear

when the Christ child
lay asleep in a manger.

Look, he has visitors.

It's the three wise men.

Balthazar, Gaspar
and Melchior?

Nah. Three much wiser
dudes than those.

In fact,

the three wisest men
in the history of the world.

Albert Einstein.

Abraham Lincoln.

And the wisest
dude of them all.

Alex Trebek.

Yeah, buddy.

Is this cool or, what?

Here we go, kids.
More hot fudge.

Carol, I don't get it.

You never let us eat
ice cream in the living room.

Well, I just thought it would
be a nice holiday treat.

Although being that
we're all together

I thought maybe we could
have a family meeting.

-Family meeting? It's a trap.
-Run for it.

Hold it!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Come on, back here. Come on.

Now I just thought that
we could discuss an idea

that I think will make Christmas
a lot more fun for all of us.

Well, you've got our attention,
honey. What's your idea?

Instead of everybody going
through the hassle of buying

a lot of gifts, I thought
we could put names in a hat

pull one out and buy
that person one gift.

Wait a second.

Are you saying
I'd only get one gift?

-Right.
-That bites.

Frank, would you help me
out here, please?

Well, I don't know, Carol.
One gift.

Ain't that kind of
like Russia?

Alright, things have been
a little tight around here

and I thought
that this would be a great way

for us to save some money.

Well, Carol,
we're already gonna save

a lot of money this Christmas.

I mean, I'm remodeling
Hartman's Toy Store.

He promised to give me a 20%
discount on anything I want.

Cool!

Does that mean I get the train
set I've been asking for?

Well, maybe, if Carol gets over
this communist Grinch thing.

Yeah.

Fine, you guys win,
forget about exchanging names

but, can we at least set
a price limit on these gifts?

Great idea.

All in favor of a $10,000
price limit, say aye.

Aye.

That is the last time you eat
ice cream in my living room.

Give me that.
Give me, give me, give me.

Perfect.

Okay, okay, clear a path.
I'm here to get my loot.

Where do you think
you're going, son?

It's one minute after midnight.

That means it's Christmas.
Which presents are mine?

Alright,
you know the rules.

You open your presents
at 6:00 AM.

So, right now, go to bed
or I'm gonna tell Santa Claus

what a freeloading leech
you've been all year.

Merry Christmas
to you too, dad.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Frank?
- Yeah.

Where did you put
Brendan's, train set?

I thought we would set it
around the tree as a surprise.

T-train set. I, I thought
you got the train set.

Why would I get the train set?

You're the one
who's been remodeling

a toy store
the past two weeks.

Well, if you're gonna cop
an attitude

I don't wanna talk about it.

Frank.

Okay, okay,
gee, I blew it, honey.

That was gonna be
our big gift for Brendan.

Well, now what
are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Wait a minute.

I've still got the keys
to Hartman's Toy Store.

I'll just go down and let myself
in and pick up a train.

Frank, you can't do that.
It's breaking and entering.

No, it's not.
I'm gonna leave money.

It's, entering
with intent to purchase.

I can't believe you forgot
something so important.

You know, it's like,
if I want anything done right

around here,
I have to do it myself.

Come on, honey,
just relax.

I'm gonna be back
in a half an hour.

Why don't you,

why don't you put
the stocking stuffers

that we got for the kids
in their stockings?

Stocking stuffers?

Frank, would you
turn off the lights?

Somebody's gonna see us here.

Carol, it's in the middle
of the night.

We're the only two idiots
awake right now.

Well, just hurry. I don't
feel right about being here.

Okay. Hey, here.

You, look
for stocking stuffers

and I'll see if I can find
the train, okay?

Jeez, look at this.

That's disgusting.

"Ooze, throw it against
the wall, and it sticks."

Who'd spend 50 cents
on something like this?

Fifty cents?

That stuff used to be
a buck, 20.

Get a bunch of that, okay?

Honey, look.
Here it is.

Look,
"The Red Rider Express

with authentic locomotive sounds
and patented track switcher."

Wow, if I send away, I can
join the Junior Engineers Club.

Look.

Honey, an official
police enforcer cap gun

with a real smoking barrel.

I gotta get that too.

Good idea, Frank.

You'll need that in case
your train gets held up.

Alright, one train, 49.95.

And one police
enforcer special

with a real smoking
barrel, 9.95.

How much for
stocking stuffers?

-17.50.
-17.50. Okay.

Freeze.

Now put your hands up

and don't even think about
reaching for that gun.

Boy, officer,
there's a mistake.

See this isn't even a real gun.

I said hands up, slime ball.

You too, blondie.

Officer, we can explain this.

Yeah, you see, I was actually
gonna put money in the register.

Yeah, yeah,
and I'm Santa Claus.

Alright now,
why don't we all

take a little ride downtown
in my sleigh?

Move it! Get out! Let's go!

Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!

-Alright, let's go.
-Okay.

Yes, yes, yes.

A new microscope.

Thanks, mom. Thanks, Frank.

Mom? Frank?

Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys,
guys, wait a minute.

Has anyone seen mom and Frank?

Hey, they know the rules.

Six o'clock, we open gifts.

You snooze, you lose.

Alright!

Entering with intent
to purchase.

Idiot.

Where is that deputy,
anyway?

He should unlock that phone.
We're entitled to a phone call.

Hey, hey, we've been
locked up in here for hours.

I'm sorry
I inconvenienced you.

Next time, call ahead
for reservations.

We'll put you in our
Frequent Felon Program.

Okay, let's go.

It's booking time.

Deputy, we're not
trying to make trouble.

We just wanna make
a phone call

so our kids will know
where we are.

You don't make your phone call
till I'm done bookin' ya.

Look, can't you just bend
the rules a little?

It's Christmas.

Don't sing that Yuletide
sob story to me, missy.

The way I see it

Christmas is just
another day on the beat.

You know, there's,
there's no need for you

to be rude, Deputy, Fife.

That's Feif, F-E-I-F.

Fife would be F-I-F-E, got it?

Yes, sir.

-Okay.
-Jeez.

Names?

Frank and Carol Lambert.

F.

R.

A.

You'd think they'd put these
things in alphabetical order.

This is gonna take forever.

N.

The kids will be
worried sick about us.

Alright, a soccer ball.

Cool. Give me another one.

-Hey.
-Move out of the way.

Stop it!

A study lamp?

What am I supposed
to do with this?

-Here, Mark. Merry Christmas.
-Alright. Hey.

Somebody throw me
another gift.

Yeah!

Charge, armed robbery.

A.

R.

M.

It was a cap gun.

That's your story.

I think I'll just wait and see

what the boys
down in Ballistics
have to say about it.

Now look, Feif, I know
the owner. I have a set of keys.

I've been goin' there everyday
for the last two weeks.

You cased the joint?

Premeditation.

P.

R.

Deputy, can't we just
speed this up a little bit?

I'm sure you wanna be
with your family

as much as we wanna be
with ours.

Family? I don't have a family.

You're looking
at a confirmed bachelor.

Nobody's ever slapped a saddle
on this wild stallion.

Okay. Any prior arrests?

No, of course not.

Well, let's just have
a little looksy anyway.

Well, what have we got here?

May 28, 1975, Quail Lake.

Ring any bells, Frankie?

Wh-what's the big deal?

That dumb game warden
wrote me up

for fishing without a license.

That's not all, pretty boy.

It says there you tried to flee
the scene of the crime.

I was in a canoe.

I was being pulled downstream.

Yeah, yeah.

There are a million stories
in the "Naked City."

That's it. There's no more.

And I didn't even get my train.

Yeah. We got a lot
more presents last year.

Face it. The geezers hosed us.

Okay, are you guys
ready to open presents?

Guess doesn't pay to oversleep
in this house.

Hey, where's
Uncle Frank and Carol?

I don't know.

They're probably still
upstairs sleeping.

You mean you guys
opened your presents

without waiting
for your parents?

That's un-American.

Hey, it's not our fault
they're not here.

Okay, time out. Time out.

Now, I know this is
the season to be jolly

but, you guys are really
starting to cheese me off.

All you've been talking about
for the last two weeks

is about how much loot
you're gonna get.

Well, I got news for you.

Christmas is about more
than just getting presents.

It's about spending quality time
with the people who you love.

Cody, we--

P-pipe down.
I'm not finished yet.

Don't you guys get it?

I mean, one of the coolest
things about being a parent

is seeing the joy
on your children's faces

when they open up their presents
on Christmas morning.

You guys took that
away from them.

You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.

You know, I hate to admit it,
but, I think Cody's right.

Yeah, I guess
we have been acting like

a bunch of greedy
little pigs lately.

Yeah, well...

...I didn't mean to take
the jingle out of your bells

but, it had to be said.

Anybody have any idea
where the phone is?

Talk about reach out
and touch someone.

Merry Christmas.

Cody. Cody, it's Frank.

- Hey, Uncle Frank.
- Hey, where are you?

Carol and I are in jail.

-Jail?
-What?

-Jail?
-What are they doing there?

Hey, hey, pipe down,
you little vultures.

Yeah, Cody.

We were arrested
for robbing a toy store.

You robbed a toy store?

Boy, life's just full
of disappointments this morning.

No, Cody. It was
a misunderstanding.

You see, I had a key
and-and we were gonna

leave money for the stuff.

So it was more like entering
with the intent to purchase?

Exactly.
Cody, listen.

We're gonna need
some money for bail.

- Will you hold on a second?
- Sure.

Deputy?

What's it gonna take
to get us out of here?

Don't ask me,
you'll have to ask the judge

when he gets back from
visiting his mother tomorrow.

Wh-what are you saying?

We have to spend
Christmas Day in jail?

Very sharp, bubbles.

You must be the brains
in the operation.

Cody, they're not gonna
set bail until tomorrow.

Will you tell the kids
we're sorry we can't be there?

-Sure, Uncle Frank.
-Bye.

Bye.

Well, this is
really great, Frank.

First, you forget to get
Brendan's train set.

Then you get the inspired idea
to rob a toy store.

So, now I have a police record

and I have to spend
Christmas Day in a jail cell

sleeping on Lord knows what.

I don't even wanna think
about the toilet.

Well, Merry Christmas, Frank.
Ho, ho, ho.

She's turnin' on you, Frankie.

Honey, I'm sorry
I messed everything up.

It's okay.

I'm sorry I blew up at you.

I just hate being away
from the kids at Christmas.

Alright,
you kids can visit them

but, no funny stuff.

I'll be watching you
like a hawk.

Look, Frank, the kids
brought Christmas to us.

Well, we couldn't let you spend
Christmas alone in the hoosegow.

Yeah. Merry Christmas,
Uncle Frank and Carol.

We brought you some presents.

Sorry they're unwrapped

but, there was a wave
of greed this morning.

Well, that's okay.

I don't feel much like
unwrapping presents anyway

since I've ruined Christmas
for everybody.

Dad, you didn't
ruin Christmas.

I mean, if anybody
ruined it, it was us.

I mean, all we were talking
about for the last couple weeks

is how many presents
we were going to get.

Yeah, we've been really greedy.

We're sorry, dad.

That's okay.
It's, it's no big deal.

It is a big deal.
Cody's right.

The most important thing
about Christmas

is being with your family.

We kinda lost sight of that.

Well, the important thing is
that we're all together now.

Yeah, a guy couldn't ask
for a better family.

-Merry Christmas, dad.
-Merry Christmas, son.

-Merry Christmas, Cody.
-Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas.

That's so beautiful.

Deputy Feif, you're crying.

Me?

No, no. I'm, I'm just
fighting a cold.

Well, come on, Deputy Feif.

I don't buy that tough guy act.

I think deep down,
there's a softy

who'd really like to get
into the Christmas spirit.

Yeah?

Well, you're wrong.

Why would I wanna
celebrate Christmas

with a warm and loving family?

People who really care
about each other and..

...and have a bucket
full of pretty

tasty-looking chicken there.

Well, hey, deputy,
why don't you join us?

There's more than enough
for everybody.

Well, what the heck?
It is Christmas.

You two might as well
come on out of there.

No sense getting
the bars all greasy

passing that chicken
through them.

Thank you. Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Another piece of pumpkin pie,
Deputy Feif?

No thanks.
Three's my limit.

This body's a weapon.
I like to keep it finely tuned.

There is one thing
I'd like though.

Yeah, what's that?

Can we sing one more
Christmas carol?

You got it.