Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 5 - It's a Dog's Life - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

Cody, Cody. Cody, Cody.
Put this thing down.

- It weighs a ton. Put it down.
- Ugh!

- Phew!
- What are you doing?

Oh, we're gonna
take this out to the garage

so Uncle Frank can refinish it.

[chuckles]
Okay, J.T., on three.

One, two, three.

[grunting]

Cody, Cody!
This thing weighs a ton.



Put it down!
We're never gonna make it!

[grunting]

Did it ever occur to you nitwits

it'll be a lot lighter
if you took the drawers out.

Hmm.

There is a certain logic
to that.

Let's try it, J.T.

[exhales]

Well, this is gonna be
a big help.

These drawers are heavy.

- Okay.
- Okay. Ready, Cody?

One...two...three.

Okay.

- Ugh!
- Whoa!



[chuckles]
You're right, Dana.

It's a lot lighter this way.
Yeah.

Come on, J.T.

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're puttin' it
together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Honey, in a few minutes

I will have a complete
wing assembly

for a B-17 Flying Fortress.

[chuckles]
I tell you this is almost
better than sex.

- Uh, with my first wife.
- Good save, Frank.

For a moment I thought
I was gonna have to do damage

to your landing gear.

- Dad!
- Dad!

Hey, daddy, great news!

You know the Colemans?

The retired couple,
lives over on Elm's Street?

Yeah, well, they're going
to their condo in Florida

for a week, and they want us
to take care of their dog.

Can we do it, daddy? Please.

[chuckles]
Oh, sure you can. I love dogs.

- Ahem-ahem.
- Uh, h-however, uh, uh..

Carol may have a problem
with a dog being in the house.

Why? Don't you like dogs?

Oh, I love dogs.

Uh, I just, um

don't like the hair
and the fleas

and all the other doggy
by-products.

She means poop.

But, Carol, you won't
have to worry about any of that.

- We'll take care of him.
- Oh, yeah.

You say that now,
but you have no idea

what's involved
in taking care of a dog.

Sure, I do. You have to walk
him, feed him, and bathe him.

Yeah, and what about
all that otherstuff?

- What other stuff?
- Aha!

Oh, come on, honey.

You've always said
you wanted the kids to learn

how to take responsibility.

What better way
than taking care of a dog?

If we don't take him,
he'll have to spend

the whole week
at the kennel.

That's like doggy prison.

Well, now, come on, kids,
if Carol wants to send

the poor, innocent pup
up the river

then that's her choice.

There's nothing we can do
to influence that decision.

Tsk. Oh, boy,
you guys arepathetic.

Yeah, but it's working, innit?

Yes, okay, you can take care
of the dog.

- Alright!
- Yeah, right!

[instrumental music]

Six letters, Texas City.

D- A-L-L-A-S.

Oh.

Ha! Boardwalk. That's mine.

You owe me $6000.

Six thousand dollars? Huh!

I'm afraid I'm a little short.

You're ugly too,
but you still owe him the money.

Oh!

[dog barking]

[Cody]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, my God! What is that?

[barks]

- Whoa!
- It's Mr. Fritz.

A dog named Mr. Fritz?

Well, yeah, that's how
he was introduced to us.

[chuckles]
Maybe after we get to know him
a little better

he'll tell us his first name.

Hey, Mark, come over here
and say hi to Mr. Fritz.

Well, I'm usually a little
skittish around dogs.

But what the heck.
Hello, Mr. Fritz.

[barks]

[screams]

Oh, you guys tricked me.

This isn't a dog.
It's a Buick with fur.

You know, Dana, this is amazing.

Mr. Fritz looks just like you,
only with better legs.

Oh yourself!

Oh, look, Frank,
he's drooling all over my floor.

Oh. Well, don't worry
about that, Carol.

I know how to handle drool.

[chuckles]
I don't like it

but I know how to handle it.

Come on, little dudes, let's go
get Uncle Frank's wade bath.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, come on.

You see, Frank,
it's starting already.

He's only been here two minutes

and already we've got
a wading pool.

Yeah, well, now, honey,
he's not that bad.

I mean, just look at him.
He's so cute.

Look at those little brown eyes,
those cute flappy ears

and that face, it just says,
"I love you, Carol.

"If you pet me,
I'll be your friend forever.

I will, I will, I will."

[clicks tongue]
Oh!

I guess he's kinda cute.

Just for a week.

Alright, honey,
I knew, you would.

[giggling]

[barking]

Well, look, honey.
He likes you.

He's being protective.

Hey, that's okay, big fella.
I'm her husband.

It's just one of the perks.

- Whoa!
- Okay, okay!

Well, uh,
we'll perk later, huh?

[instrumental music]

[Carol humming]

You know, son..

...someday you'll be building
authentic World War II models

just like your old man.

Oh, I don't think so, daddy.

I plan on having a life.

Hey, Brendan, you wanna
help me feed Mr. Fritz

when Cody brings him back
from his walk?

Yeah!

[grunts]

[chuckles]
Yeah.

So, anyway, when I was 14,
I demolished my first building.

[chuckles]
Of course, that was an accident.

[scoffs]

Mr. Fritz!

- Hey, Cody.
- Hey.

Did you guys have fun
at the park?

Oh, we had a blast.

I never knew chasing cars
could be so much fun.

[laughs]

Here you go, Mr. Fritz,
five pounds of kibble

just like the Colemans give you.

Kids, I don't think
you should hover

while Mr. Fritz is eating.

Yeah, it could make him
a little nervous.

Oh, I don't think so.
He's already finished.

He's done?

Wow! I didn't even see him chew!

He didn't,
he just kind of yawned

and the food was gone.

Hey, let's go
get our Rollerblades

and see how far he can pull us.

Yeah!

Frank, could you bring me
those bulbs please?

Oh, honey,
wait just one second, okay?

[Carol]
'Mm-hm.'

Well, thank you, Mr. Fritz.

Oh, what a good boy!

Frank, did you see that?

He's helping me.
Do you think he understood?

Well, of course
he understands you, honey.

I told you, dogs are great.

Oh, well, this one sure is.

You are a smart dog,
aren't you, Mr. Fritzum?

Yes, you Fritzum,
little cutie dog.

I- I told you, honey,
if you just give it a chance

you're gonna love
havin' a dog around.

They're smart, they're friendly,
they're loyal..

You know, it's like they say,
there's no such thing

as a bad dog.
Just bad owners.

Bad dog! Oh, bad dog!
Bad dog, bad! Bad dog!

Bad dog! Oh, gee!

- Frank, you scared him.
- Oh!

Well, I hope so, honey.

These are authentic
World War II decals.

Oh, Frank, I'm sure you can go
down to the hobby store

and get some more stickers.

They are not stickers,
they are decals.

Oh, of course,decals.

Stickers would be childish.

Oh, okay, okay,
I get your point.

I guess
it's not such a big deal.

I'm sorry that
I snapped at you, honey.

That's okay. I'm sorry too.

[barking]

You know, I, I'm beginning
to understand

why the Colemans
don't have children.

[barking]

Alright, buddy.

[instrumental music]

Mm! Mm-mm.

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Hi.

Wow! What smells so good?

Beef stew supremo.

We used top sirloin instead
of the usual cheap chuck.

Ooh, I have got to taste that.

- Don't! That's not for you.
- Huh!

That's for Mr. Fritz.

You made stew for Mr. Fritz?

What's for Mr. Lambert?

- Mr. Fish sticks.
- Fish sticks?

Well, they were in the freezer
forever, you know?

And they were starting
to get that ice fuzz.

Oh, great, you make
fresh stew for Mr. Fritz

and I get guppy chow.

Oh, okay,
I will make you a steak.

- 'Carol!'
- What?

I can't believe it!

- What?
- Honey, look at this.

What happened?

What do you think happened?

My plane was in a dog fight
and lost.

Well, you shouldn't
have left it out

where Mr. Fritz could get it.

I left it
on top of the bookshelf!

Unattended?

That's it, Carol.
Cujo goes to the kennel.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Frank.

The Colemans will be back
in two days.

[telephone rings]

Hello!
Oh, hello, Coleman.

Let me tell you somethin'
about your dog.

Excuse me?

What?

When?

Why? You-you can't do this!

Don't hang up on me!

[grunts]

What did he say?

The Colemans
aren't coming back.

They're staying
in Florida forever.

Well, what about their dog?

Oh, they don't have
a dog anymore.

- We do.
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Frank, why would people
move to Florida

and not come back for their dog?

Here's a theory,
he's a devil dog.

Come on, aren't you
the one who said

"Dogs are friendly,
dogs are loyal. I love dogs."

Yeah, well, I also said
I loved my ex-wife.

People make mistakes.

[indistinct chatter]

Mother, that dog has got to go.

Yeah, he got into our room
and ate our stuff.

Look at these shoes.

Who cares about your shoes?

He drooled all over the sweater

I was going to wear
on my date with Bobby.

Big deal! Bobby
would've drooled on it, anyway.

You see, honey,
it's not just me.

This dog has got to go.

- Yeah..
- Yeah, before..

- Bad dog! Bad dog!
- Bad dog! Bad dog!

Hey, wait! Hold on.
What's the problem?

Mr. Fritz ate our squirt guns.

Yeah, look.

Well...good.

Squirt guns are toys
of violence, anyway.

Oh, right, Carol, Mr. Fritz ate
them as a political statement.

Next, he's gonna chain himself
to a nuclear power plant.

I'm sorry we ever agreed
to take the stupid dog.

Can't wait for the Colemans
to come and get him.

Well, you know, it's funny
that you mentioned the Colemans.

I mean,
it's not really funny ha-ha

but it is one of life's
little ironies.

[chuckles]

What is she talking about?

The Colemans have moved
to Florida permanently

and left us with the drooling
garbage disposal.

- What?
- What?

- Yes.
- Oh!

- Are you kidding?
- What!

Hey, you guys are the ones

who wanted the dog
in the first place.

You talked me into it.

And you listened to us?

Why would you listen to us?

We're just kids!

Okay, I know Mr. Fritz
may have caused a few problems

but we just can't abandon him.

He just needs to be trained.

[Mark screaming]

[barking]

No.

Training lesson number one,
don't eat Mark.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Mr. Fritz,
we're going to have some fun.

Are you ready
for your training, huh?

[grunting]

I think that's dog for,
"In your dreams."

Carol, this is hopeless.

- Why don't you just give up?
- I will not give up.

The book says,
there is no such thing

as an untrainable dog.

Mark, come out here.

Mark, this is a dog,
not a Bengal tiger.

Now, take all these stuff off.

Oh, okay.

Mr. Fritz is not
going to hurt you.

Okay.
Now, start at the beginning.

"Welcome to the wonderful
world of dogs."

Yeah, right.

"The most important thing
in training a dog

is to let him know who is boss."

[growling]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Alright, now, now, Mark,
just show him who is boss.

I think he already knows.

Oh, come on, Mark, take control.

Get down, Mr. Fritz. Get down.

Mom, if you ever want
grandchildren

get him off me.

Alright, get down, Mr. Fritz.

'Get down. Get down.'

Ugh! Okay, come on, come on.

[growls]

Get down!

Get down!

[grunts]

[sighs]

Good boy.

Nice headlock, Carol.

Well, uh, training's been fun.

I'll be upstairs
coughing up my spleen.

Carol, forget it.

- This dog can't be trained.
- We don't know that yet.

The book says, if verbal
communication doesn't work

there are other ways
of controlling your dog.

Yeah, hire Siegfried & Roy.

No, you use this.
It's a dog whistle.

How are you going to get him
to blow into that?

No, a dog whistle
has such a high pitch

that only a dog can hear it.

Watch. Come here, Mr. Fritz.

[barking]

Uh, Mr. Fritz, come here.

Hey, guys,
knock off the whistle, will ya?

I'm trying to get some sleep.

[scoffs]

[instrumental music]

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ Simply because
you're near me ♪

♪ Funny.. ♪♪

[Mr. Fritz growls]

No, no, Carol,
do the cat sound.

[Mr. Fritz growls]

Carol..

[gasping]

- Carol!
- What?

What?

That's what!

What is that dog doing
in our bed?

Well, it was cold outside.

Honey, he's a Saint Bernard.
He's from the Alps.

If he had his choice,
he'd sleep in the freezer!

Well, I was not gonna
leave him out there

he was lonely and whimpering.

That wasn't him, that was me.

I want this dog outta here.

- Frank, what is your problem?
- You!

You are the problem ever since
you fell in love with this dog.

You cook for him,
you pamper him..

What's next?
A joint checking account?

[scoffs]
Look, Frank..

...how can you be so heartless?

This poor dog has been
abandoned by his owners.

[whispering]
He's an orphan.

That's it.

You're bananas.

Looney Tunes! You need help.

And I'm sleepin' on the couch!

[Carol sighs]

I don't believe it.
He thinks I'm crazy?

If you ask me
I think he's the one

who's actin' crazy, don't you?

Oh, my God!

I am standing here
talking to a dog

and I think that Frank is crazy.

Look, Mr. Fritz,
this is just not working out.

I can put up with the drooling
and the destruction

but when you start coming
between me and my husband

I just have to draw the line.

Oh, geez.

I just came back
for a dry pillow.

Frank, wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

I know I went a little
overboard with the dog.

[scoffs]

I mean, to treat a pet better
than you treat your own husband

that's just not right.

Especially when you have
such a terrific husband.

I think I should take him
to Pet Orphans.

They'll find him a nice home.

Oh, honey..

Are you gonna be okay with that?

Well, I just think it's the only
fair thing to do for the dog.

And you.

You and the dog.

You first.

Thanks.

I know you're gonna miss him.

Yeah.

Well, not as much
as I'd miss you.

[giggles]

[barking]

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[whining]

Oh-ho, this is fantastic.

Dana, in a few short weeks

I'll have an authentic
scale model

of a Polaris submarine
guaranteed to float.

Gee, Frank, won't your
rubber ducky be jealous?

You know, Dana

eventually you're going
to get married

and make some man very happy.

Me.

[sighs]
Boy.

The house sure seems quiet
without Mr. Fritz.

Not to mention
dry and odor-free.

Don't you miss him
just a little, huh, Frank?

Well, when I stop
to think about it, no.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.
- Hi.

We're Ed and Joy Higgins.

We just moved in next door.

Well, hi, I'm Carol Lambert

and this is my husband, Frank

my daughter, Dana.

Hi, we've been walking
the neighborhood

with our kids
introducing ourselves.

Oh! Well, uh,
bring your kids on in.

Hey, kids! Come on in!

They're little excited. We just
got them a new dog today.

[Mr. Fritz barking]

He is back!

[instrumental music]

Okay, Mr. Fritz, fetch!

Go get it! Fetch!

Hey, try that stick.

Okay.

You see this, Mr. Fritz?

Now go get it. Go for it.

Go! Run! Fetch!

[sighs]

Here. Maybe
he'll like this better.

Okay. Come on, Mr. Fritz, fetch!

Go, boy. Go!

[sighs]
It's no use, Brendan.

He just won't chase anything.

Hm. Hey, guys,
what you doing?

Whoo-oo-aa!

[Mark screaming]

[instrumental music]