Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 4 - J.T.'s World - full transcript

[theme music]

Uh, Dana?

Can-can you give me a hand?

I've got something stuck
all over this non-stick surface

uh, and I don't know
what to clean it with.

I'll go out on a limb here
and say soap.

I've got the soap part.

I just don't know
whether to use the softy spongy

or the scrubby scruffy.

You men are so hopeless.

To clean a non-stick surface



all you do
is take a soft sponge

and a little bit of soap,
swish it around

rinse with fresh water,
and you're done.

What could be easier than that?

I don't know. Maybe
getting you to do it for me.

[chuckles]

Good morning.

Well, you two are at it early.

You don't usually break out

the blunt objects

till after lunch.

Hey, you guys. Check this out.

It's totally awesome. Ha-ha.

J.T.'s getting
his own cable TV show.



Just like "Wayne's World."

Yeah?
What are you gonna call it?

"Lifestyles
Of The Dim And Witless?"

Very funny, barky.

I'm gonna call it
"J.T.'s World."

They're letting me do
three shows

and if they like it,
I get to do more.

Wait a minute, J.T.

How does a kid your age

get a show on television?

Easy, it's public access.

Any jerk who wants a show
can get one.

Well, I guess you're qualified.

Uh, J.T.,
let's cut to the chase here

and you tell me
how much it's gonna cost me.

Nothing, dad. I've already
saved up money for the fee.

All you have to do
is let us use your living room

loan us your video camera
and sign a waiver

taking complete
legal responsibility

for everything that happens.

- Do I get a credit on the show?
- For what?

Oh, this is gonna be great,
Uncle Frank.

J.T. is gonna let me be
his excellent sidekick. Ha-ha.

Yeah, we're gonna be
an inseparable team

like Wayne and Garth.

[laughing]

We're gonna
put our heads together

and think with one mind.

Or pretty darn close.

- 'Yeah.'
- Totally. Yeah.

[theme song]

Download MyTotal.TV to watch your favorite TV
www.mytotal.tv THE BEST TV APP

[all screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause
you're puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[J.T.]
Ah. Now listen, guys.

I'm the star of this TV show

and you're the crew.

So the proper way to address me

on the set is Mr..

- Dipstick?
- Pinhead?

Loser?

You know,
let's just stick with J.T.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Karen.

- This is my friend, Lisa.
- Hi.

She's the most popular girl
in our class.

- No, I'm not. You are.
- I know.

[chuckles]

But you're a guest,
so I have to be nice.

[chuckles]

You'll have to excuse J.T.

He can't pour juice and drool
at the same time.

Wow. I think I just met
the girl of my dreams.

Are you gonna
make a move on her, J.T.?

She's a fox. Whoo!

Since when
did your hormones kick in?

Yeah, I thought
you were afraid of girls.

Oh, I am.
Girls scare me to death.

But I like hearing about 'em.

But with any luck, big guy,
I'll have pictures.

[chuckles]

♪ Wild cats wild cats
it's your show ♪

♪ Take that ball and go go go ♪♪

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

- Oh, wow, that was great!
- Oh.

Good job.
So when's the big game?

- Friday.
- Oh, Friday. That's good.

I'm sure
that zit will clear up by then.

Zit? I have a zit?

Oh. Well, excuse me, Lisa.

Emergency face care.

Take your time.

- So you're a cheerleader?
- Yup.

Boy, I wish I had time
for something like that.

But I'm just so busy
with school and homework

and starring in my own TV show.

You have your own TV show?

- Did I mention that?
- Ah..

Yeah, it's just
a little public access show

called "J.T.'s World."

- I'm J.T.
- Wow, that is so cool.

I would give anything
to be on TV.

Oh, really?

Sit down, let's talk TV.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

[whirring]

[chuckles]
God, I love power tools.

- Hey, Frank.
- Huh?

How'd you like to take
a compatibility test?

Love to, nothing I like better

than the old compatibility test.

Not that kind of test.

It's a series of questions
that helps us find out

if we're right for each other.

Carol, we're already married.

What difference does it make
if we're right

for each other?

Come on, Frank.

It'll be fun, okay?

- Okay. Ahem.
- Alright.

Question number one.

"If you were stranded
on a desert island

"with a beautiful woman

"and there was no chance
that you would ever be rescued

"and you knew
you would never see me again

how long would it take
before you got romantic?"

Carol, I have a very bad feeling
about this.

Come on, Frank, it's just
a silly little question.

If it'll make you feel any
better, I'll take the test, too.

Okay? We'll both write down
our answers.

- And we'll trade them. Okay?
- No, honey.

- Not a chance. No.
- Frank.

The sooner we get started
on my compatibility test

the sooner we get started
with yours.

Mwah, mwah.

Oh, what was that question then?
What? What?

Okay.

- Here's yours.
- Ahem.

- Mine.
- Hm.

Okay.

Alright, "If you were stranded
on a desert island

with a beautiful woman,
how long-- "

How long would it take
until I got romantic?

And there's no chance
of being rescued?

No. No. You will
never ever see me again.

- Okay.
- Okay.

[giggles]

Read mine first.

[chuckles]

Okay, you would wait..

..."Forever."

What a coincidence!
I said, "Forever," too.

No.

No, I wanna read it.

[giggling]

"Six months?"

At a time, forever.

Six months?

But, honey, you said

I'd never see you again.

Well, there's always hope.

Oh, jeez!

I knew this was gonna happen.

[sighs]
Frank Lambert

the fact that I said, "Forever"

and you said, "Six months,"
leads me to believe

that I love you
more than you love me.

Now, wait a minute, Carol.

You are getting upset

because I might get romantic

with a woman who doesn't exist?

Oh, so you admit it.

- Admit what?
- Oh.

If you don't know, I am
certainly not gonna tell you.

I suppose this means
my test is out of the question.

[instrumental music]

[J.T.]
'Look alive, crew,
we tape in five minutes.'

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it. Could be good news.

[chuckles]

- Hi, J.T.
- Whoa.

[laughs]
I was right.

Well, hello, Lisa.

Hey.

Whoa, cool set.

Ha-ha, looks just like
the living room.

[laughs]

- Who's that?
- Oh, that's the Codeman.

My excellent sidekick and cuz.

- Places, everyone.
- Well, excuse me, Lisa.

It's magic time.

And in five, four

three, two..

[both]
"J.T.'s World!"
Party time! Excellent!

[guitar music]

Alright, okay.

Welcome to the premiere
of "J.T.'s World"

coming to you, as always,
from Port Washington, Wisconsin.

- The cheese state.
- Ah.

I'm J.T. Lambert,
your excellent host

and with me
is my bodacious sidekick, Cody.

- Party on, Codeman.
- Party on, J.T.

[laughing]

Alright, okay,
today we're gonna be giving you

our top five tips
for attracting babes

and we know how to do that
'cause we're..

[both]
Babe magnets!

Oh!

[guitar music]

Dude, J.T., I think it's time
for our salute to babes

with my personal choice
for Babe of the Month

The Dana Burger!

[laughs]
Yeah.

- No way.
- Way.

Dude, if she were
a prehistoric animal

she'd be a baber-toothed tiger.

[laughs]

[snarling]

[guitar music]

I'm gonna hurl.

Ugh, you and me, both.

Ah, babe with a 'tude.

[laughs]
Gotta love that. Yeah.

[guitar music]

Alright, okay. Ha-ha.

Our first guest
is a certified B babe-alua.

Lisa Morgan!

- Lisa! Monster babe!
- Lisa! Monster babe!

- Certified! Excellent!
- Certified! Excellent! Yeah.

[guitar music]

- Hi, J.T. Hi, Cody.
- Heh-heh.

Oh! Hey, well, Lisa's here.

That means it's the start
of a three-day holiday.

- Baber-day weekend.
- Baber-day weekend. Oh!

[guitar music]

Hey, and for my last piece
of rockabilia..

...here's some gum that Axl Rose
spit at somebody in Chicago.

[chuckles]
Can you believe it? The chick
didn't even wanna keep it.

She just pulls it
out of her hair

and throws it away. Yeah.

[both]
Lame!

[laughing]

Well, party animals,
we're out of time.

So until next time..

[all]
Party on! "J.T.'s World!"

[all]
Excellent! Party time!

[guitar music]

- And we're out!
- 'Yeah!'

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Good job, dudes. Yeah.

Lisa, step in to my office
for a second.

- You were fantastic.
- J.T.

Something magical
happened to me out there.

I fell in love.

Why, Lisa, this is so sudden.

I know, but...look at him.

[sighs]
Isn't Cody wonderful?

[instrumental music]

Well, thanks for letting me
be on your show, J.T.

And thanks
for introducing me to Cody.

Sure. No-no problem.

See you, J.T.

Party on, Codeman.

Uh, party on, Lise.

[chuckles]

[sighs]
Hey, crew, great show.

Here's a couple of bucks.
Go get some ice cream.

- Alright, thanks, J.T.
- Alright, let's go.

Hey, J.T., bro. Ha-ha.

Killer idea for the next show.

The '80s.

Where are they now?

[laughs]

That's a great idea. I mean,
I like everything about it.

Except one thing.

You.

Sorry, Codeman, you're fired.

Not!

[laughs]

Not not.

"Not not?"

You mean, I'm not not fired?

[chuckles]
Or you mean

I'm not, not, not fired?

I mean you're off the show. Um..

It's nothing personal,
Codeman, uh..

There just wasn't any chemistry.

[scoffs]
Showbiz.

The cruel mistress.

One minute you're hired.

[snaps fingers]
And the next minute

you're yesterday's tuna.

[instrumental music]

[guitar music]

♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the just-got-fired-
off-my-cable-access-TV-show ♪

♪ By-my-cousin-
who's-my-best-friend blues.. ♪

[music continues]

Carol, just look at 'em.

Frank, I don't want any flowers.

Now, Carol, I gave you candy,
a bunch of flowers.

What do you want me to do,
take you on a cruise?

Oh, a cruise.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Then you could get shipwrecked
and get together

with little Ms. Hukilau.

Oh, come on now.

How long are you gonna
hold this desert-island thing

against me anyway?

Only six months

at a time.

Forever.

[guitar music]

♪ I say I got the blues ♪

♪ I got
the just-lost-my-best-friend ♪

♪ 'Cause-he-said-I-stink-
on-his-cable-TV-show blues ♪

[music continues]

Cody.

Cody, what's the matter?

♪ I got the blues ♪♪

I know. That much I got.
But why?

Well, J.T. fired me
off his show.

[scoffs]

He said
we didn't have any chemistry.

But I think he was just trying

to spare my feelings, you know?

He didn't wanna tell me
the awful truth.

[laughs]
I just suck potatoes.

[sighs]

Are you sure
that's why he fired you?

It's all I can figure.

I mean, Lisa and I had
a ton of chemistry on the show.

Uh, uh, Lisa?

You know, heh

that fox
J.T.'s got the love jones for.

Oh. Yeah, Cody..

When you and Lisa

were having
this ton of chemistry

was J.T. around?

I guess not..

Otherwise, he'd have kept me
on the show. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Excuse me.

But I'm gonna go have a little
talk with the king of cable.

[laughs]
Yeah. Hey!

You know Larry King?

Yes.

J.T., Cody just told me

that you fired him
from the show.

Things just didn't work out.
There wasn't any magic.

Ah. No magic. I see.

Well, I thought for a minute

you were just stabbing
your best friend in the back

to get a girl.

Dad, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

I was a 16-year-old boy
myself once.

And the thing about
16-year-old boys is

most of their thinking doesn't
take place in their head.

- Hey, that's below the belt.
- Bingo.

So what are you gonna do?
Make me hire him back?

I'm not gonna
make you do anything.

I just want you
to use your head.

It's that casaba melon thing
on your shoulders.

[exhales sharply]

[instrumental music]

Okay. Alright.
Is everything set up?

Sure,
but you're still gonna bomb.

This show's a two-man job.

Without Cody, I'd say
you're a man-and-a-half short.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I'll just get another sidekick.

- 'Mark!'
- 'Huh?'

You're my new sidekick.

- Oh, really?
- Yup.

All you have to do
is sit on the couch.

And when I point to you,
say, "Party on." Got it?

Actually, J.T.,
I find the phrase, "Party on"

very troubling.

You see, one should never end
a sentence with a preposition.

Perhaps, "On with the party"

or, "Now is the time
for a party"

would be
a more acceptable syntax.

- Mark?
- Yes.

You're fired.

You know, J.T.,
you're being a real creep.

Hey, can it
or I'll fire you, too.

This is why we need a union.

[sighs]

[clattering]

Something bothering you, J.T.?

No, no. Everything's fine.

♪ People let me tell you
'bout my best friend.. ♪♪

Why are you singing that?

I'm just a happy guy who likes
to sing about friendship.

[laughs]

Hey, J.T.

[chuckles]
Glad I caught ya.

Listen, I just wanted
to tell you

good luck on the show tonight
and, uh..

Oh, I'm sorry
I blew it yesterday.

Um, no problem.

Look, anyway, I know you need
some music for your theme song

so I want you
to have my guitar, bro. Heh.

Oh, Cody, giving up your guitar?

Now, that's what I call a..

♪ Best friend ♪♪

Anyway, party on, cuz.

[chuckles]

Cody, wait.

[sighs]
This isn't any good.

Well, I know it's not
a Stratocaster or anything.

Yeah. It's the best I could do
for 20 bucks.

[sighs]
No, I mean,
I've been a real jerk.

You didn't blow it yesterday.
I did.

Lisa liked you better than me,
and I couldn't handle it.

So I dumped you.

Well, I don't get it. Why would
Lisa like me better than you?

I don't know,
maybe because you're taller

better-looking, cooler..

Who knows how girls think?

[scoffs]

Well, cuz,
you didn't have to worry

about me scammin' on Lisa.

[scoffs]
I knew you liked her.
We're buds.

Dude, buds are thicker
than babes.

Cody,
you're a better man than me.

Pssh, well, yeah.

[chuckles]

What would you say if I asked
you to come back to the show?

"J.T.'s World?"

No. "J.T. And Cody's World."

I'd say, "Party on, J.T."

- Party on, Codeman.
- Yeah..

[both]
"J.T. And Cody's World."
Party time! Excellent!

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Hey, mom, we got a Mel Gibson
movie at the video store.

Ooh, a Mel Gibson movie?
Which one?

Oh, who cares
as long as he has his shirt off.

[laughs]

You think he's pretty hot,
don't you, mom?

Well, let's just put it
this way.

Sss..

I know what you mean.

I wouldn't mind being stranded

on a desert island with old Mel.

Shame on you, Karen.

If anyone
is going to be stranded

on a desert island with Mel

it is going to be me.

- But, mom, what about Frank?
- Frank who?

[laughing]

Frank me.

[laughing]

Remember me? The one
you're gonna wait for forever?

Frank, you were eavesdropping.

I wasn't eavesdropping, honey.
I set you up.

Thanks, girls.

Sold out
by my own flesh and blood?

You said you wanted us
to get closer to Frank.

Right, and every time
he gives me money

I feel closer to him.

In fact, for a 100 bucks,
I'll call you dad.

Beat it.

For 200, I'll do it in public.

Beat it.

Uh, you know, Carol,
I'm very disappointed in you.

You know, obviously, you don't
love me as much as I love you.

Okay, Frank.
You made your point, huh?

Come on,
let's just call a truce, huh?

Uh, I don't know.
This Mel Gibson thing, I..

It's gonna take me a while
to get over that.

[exhales sharply]

Well..

...maybe this will help you
get over it.

I think I'm over it.

[instrumental music]

[guitar music]

Alright. Okay, our first guest
is a certified B babe-alua.

Lisa Morgan! Lisa!

[laughs]

- 'Cut! Cut!'
- Alright.

Okay, our first guest
is a certified B babe-alua.

Lisa Morgan! Lisa..

[laughing]

- Again.
- 'And action!'

Lisa..

[laughs]
Oh, damn.

[male #1]
'...ready? And cut.'

'And action!'

- Lisa..
- Lisa, monster babe..

- Okay.
- 'And cut, right.'

- Lisa! Monster babe!
- Lisa! Monster babe!

- Certified! Excellent!
- Certified! Excellent!

[guitar music]