Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Un-Natural - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[in unison]
We're number one!
We're number one!

[all]
We're number one!

Okay, hey, hey, hey, now,
wait a minute.

We are number one
in our division

but we still have a championship
game to play next week.

Well, it was a great game today.

But poor Scotty Hover
breaking his ankle

that was terrible.

Yeah, and now we're down
to nine players.

If anyone else wimps out
with a broken bone



we'll have to forfeit the game.

Take it easy, Al,
Scotty wouldn't want you

to be all choked up like this.

Carol. Carol, Al's right.

Totally insensitive, but right.

We gotta get another player
before the big game.

How? All the good players
are already taken.

[clears throat]

Yeah, where are we gonna find
somebody now?

[clears throat]

Anyway, let's go in the kitchen,
grab some sodas

and see if we can think
of a kid in Port Washington

who's not already on a team.

[Mark clears throat]



Hey, dude, I know it's painful

but once you hock
that thing up

it'll all be worth it, ha-ha-ha!

[clears throat]

Mark, are you trying to say
you wanna be on the team

or should I get your inhaler?

No, I wanna play.

Well, why don't you just
say something?

Well,
because they'd laugh at me.

I mean, everyone thinks I'm just
a bookish little computer nerd.

- Why?
- Well..

Because I am a bookish
little computer nerd

but I wanna be more than that.

Behind this anemic exterior

beats the heart of a lion.

Ow!

Well, Mark,
if you wanna play baseball

you have to tell someone.

You know, it's time
that you stand up for yourself

and be a man.

Really?

Yeah, and mommy's gonna help.

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ It will be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Well, uh, what about t-t-that
kid who lives down the street?

What's his name?
Uh, Tommy Jenkins.

What about him for the team?

- Tommy Jenkins?
- Yeah.

He's as blind as a bat

pigeon-toed,
and he throws like a girl.

I have an idea.

What about Mark
playing on the team?

What's Tommy Jenkins'
phone number?

Yeah, let me look it up.

Wait, wait, wait!

what's wrong with Mark?

Um, forget it, mom.

- It's, it's not important.
- Yes, it is.

Every kid who wants
to play baseball

should be given a chance.

Well, you know, uh, Carol,
that's a really

uh, really good theory.

A- and, and let's you and I
go, go in the other room

a- and discuss that, okay? Yeah.

You kids just,
you know, mingle. Ha-ha.

- Are you nuts?
- What?

You want me to put Mark
on the team?

Honey, he hasn't played baseball
in his entire life.

Well, that's 'cause
no one ever gave him a chance.

Well, there's a reason for that.

He got tennis elbow
combing his hair.

Oh, come on, Frank,
are your trying to say

that you'd rather win
a kids' baseball game

than make a positive difference
in a young man's life?

This is a trick question,
isn't it?

Frank, you're his stepfather.

He looks up to you,
he adores you.

If you don't give him a chance,
who will?

Oh..

[chuckles]
Appealing to my sense

of decency and fair play.

How low will you go?

So, you gonna let him
be on the team?

Yeah, I'll let him
be on the team

but don't expect him to get
much playing time, honey

because, face it,
the kid is a klutz.

He is not.

Uh, excuse me

but my glasses
seem to be stuck to my sweater.

W- whoa!

Well, they don't play
in sweaters.

[instrumental music]

I can't believe
the newspaper would print

something like this about women.

I'd like to go down there
and stick that editor's head

in a pencil sharpener. God!

Now, Karen, that's not the way
you deal with people.

We just have to write
a reasonable letter

to the editor, calmly stating
our difference of opinion.

Alright, now,
how does this sound?

"Dear sexist pinhead.."

I like it.

Alright, the Foster babes.

Light up a kitchen
like fine linoleum.

Hey, what are you guys doin'?

We're writing a letter
to protest

an editorial in the newspaper.

Yeah, some clown
at this rag says

women in the military
shouldn't be in combat.

Women shouldn't be in combat

because they can't handle stress
as well as men.

You wanna talk
about handling stress?

Try being me for a day.

Getting up at 6:00
in the morning

fighting your way
through a back-breaking session

of moisturizing, manicuring,
pedicuring and hair styling.

Then, putting on make-up
until your arms fall limply

at your side
from sheer exhaustion.

Wow, beauty is hell.

And don't you dare forget about
my sisters in the third world.

Do you realize
that some of those brave women

don't even have electricity
to run their hot rollers?

Karen, let me handle
the women's side

before you lose us the vote.

Look, the bottomline is

women cannot fight in combat
because they're weaker.

You guys couldn't even handle
a night of guard duty.

You'd be crying like a baby
for your beauty sleep.

There's only one way
to settle this.

Let's make a bet to see who can
last the longest without sleep.

- The men or the women.
- Fine.

Whoever cracks first
admits theirs is the weaker sex.

You in with me, Codeman?

Well, I'm not by nature
a competitive person

but you know, that 14 hours
of sleep I've been getting a day

might be cutting
into my leisure time.

What the heck? I'm in. Ha-ha.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Mark.

What do you know about hittin'?

Everything.

Hitting is merely physics.

A real-time application
of Newtonian dynamics.

Force equals
mass times acceleration.

- You ever swung a bat?
- Never.

What a geek.

Al, gotta give him
a chance here, okay?

Alright, Mark.

I want you to take this bat,
stand right there

and I'm gonna pitch
some real easy batting practice.

You got it, coach.

Alright, coach.
Give me the high heat.

Mark, Mark, just relax, okay?

Now, swing level a-and don't
grip the bat quite so tight.

Okay. Here it comes.

Sorry, coach.

Yeah, o-okay, okay.

Let's just skip hitting
and move right to fielding.

Grab a mitt
and I'll throw you some balls.

Great idea, coach.
Defense is my forte.

They call me
The Human Vacuum Cleaner.

Okay, Mark.

The ball is hit
and you catch it.

And you catch it.

And you catch it!

[chuckles]
Okay, here, I'll tell you what..

...why don't you, uh, take
a break for the rest of the day?

Good idea, coach. Great workout.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Dad, Mark is a disaster.

He can't hit, he can't field,
he can't do anything!

Yeah, I know,
I figured he was gonna be bad

he's not even good enough
to be bad.

Well, what are we gonna do?

You promised Carol
he could be on the team.

But I didn't promise
that he would play in the game.

Oh, right, dad,
like Carol's gonna let you

get away with that.

What do you mean,
Carol won't let me?

I don't need Carol's permission.

I am the coach and I decide

what's best for the team.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, hon.

How was practice?

Well, it was
a little disappointing, Carol

and, in fact, I'd like
to talk to you about it.

As you know,
I am the coach of the Cubs.

And after seeing Mark practice,
I, as the coach

have made the decision
that he's not good enough

to play in the game, Carol.

'He will still be on the team.'

He'll just be sitting
on the bench.

It's a coaching decision
that I, as the coach, have made.

Well, Frank, you're the coach.

I won't say a word.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, come on, honey, I know you
want Mark to play in the game

but you gotta see this
from my side.

Oh, I know what your side is.

You would rather hurt
Mark's feelings

than risk losing some stupid
kids' baseball game.

- Oh, honey!
- You know..

This is just the kind of thing

that could scar Mark for life.

When you don't even
give a kid a chance

it's like you're telling him
you think he's a loser.

Then he starts believing
he's a loser

and pretty soon,
he doesn't even try anymore.

[sighs]
Carol, I don't wanna hurt Mark.

[water spraying]

But there are nine other kids
on this team

who have busted their butts
all season

to get in this championship.

Believe me, this game
is just as important to them

as it is to Mark.

Well,
I still say it's not fair.

[knock on door]

- Who is it?
- 'Mark.'

Oh. Come on in, honey.

Hi, mom. Hi, coach.

Uh, Mark, y-you don't have
to call me coach at home.

Oh, I insist.
It's a matter of respect.

I'm really grateful to you for
giving me the chance to play.

And tomorrow, when I'm out
on that baseball field

I'm gonna say

"This is the greatest moment
of my life

and I owe it all
to Frank Lambert."

God bless you, coach.

[instrumental music]

Come on, Karen,
you've got to keep moving.

[groaning]
I- I can't.

It's 4:00 a.m.
We've been up 36 hours.

- I need sleep.
- No, you don't!

You need
to get your blood circulating.

You do some stretching exercises

and I'll get us
some more caffeine.

[slurping]

Caffeine is our friend.

[sighs]

- Karen!
- I'm up! I'm up!

Oh, my God! My leg fell off!

[screaming]

[breathing heavily]

Karen...it's right here.

You've got to get
a hold of yourself.

I can't take this anymore.

If I don't get some sleep soon,
I'm gonna cry.

[sobbing]

- Oh.
- Don't you dare.

We wouldn't wanna give J.T.
that satisfaction.

- Now, would we?
- No.

No, he said,
"Women cryunder stress."

[chuckling]

[sobbing]

I can't take it anymore!
I'm so tired!

I just wanna go night-night!

Aw, there, there,
little cuz dude.

If you wanna go sleep that bad,
why don't we just

call off the bet?

[sniffles]
No way.

Dude! I did it.
Oh, my God! Ha-ha!

I've been trying to get this
Rubik's Cube thing for years.

[laughs]

It's like this no-sleep thing

has really, like,
helped out my brain.

You mean, the less sleep
you get, the smarter you get?

Totally, like just this morning

I figured out
that the international date line

isn't a 900 number, ha-ha!

And then now, the Rubik's Cube.
Ha-ha.

It's like my brain
is this giant satellite dish

suckin' up all the infomercials
of the universe.

Wait a minute. Incoming.

Dude.

[sighs]

E does equal MC squared.

[laughs]
Man, that Einstein dude
was right. Yeah.

So...how's it going, men?

[sniggering]

Ready to give up?

Are you kidding?

This no-sleep thing has opened

the doors of perception to me.

I figure, if I stay up
another week

I'll have that whole
Stonehenge dealy figured out.

Then I'll be ready
to face the real problems

plaguing mankind.

Like, male pattern baldness.

[instrumental music]

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the brave ♪♪

[all cheering]

[male #1]
'Welcome to the Port Washington'

Youth League Championship game.

Let's have a big hand
for the Cubs and the Lions.

[crowd applauding]

Alright, you Cubs,
I want you to get out there

and really have some fun.

- Yeah!
- Alright!

- Come on!
- Ha-ha.

Coach is right,
remember to have fun. Ha-ha.

Because this game
is just a fleeting moment

in the grand scope
of a timeless universe.

Whoa.
I'm getting totally deep. Huh.

Come on, little bat dudes,
we'll get the equipment ready.

Yeah.

- Dad, I am begging you.
- Huh?

- You can't let Mark play.
- Look, look, Al.

I know this is hard for you
to understand, okay?

But there are more important
things than a baseball game.

Well, then, we might as well
just forfeit

because if he plays, we'll lose.

Oh, no, no, no, listen,
I've been really

thinkin' about this, okay?

You guys are much better
than the Lions.

So, all you have to do is go out
there and run up a big lead

and then I'll put Mark in when
you got the game in the bag.

[laughs]

[crowd cheering]

[male #1]
'What a game.'

'So, bottom of the ninth'

the Cubs are trailing by one run

an-and now there's only one out
with a man on second base.

[indistinct chatter]

Come on, Todd, get a hit!

I'm ready whenever
you need me, coach.

And I'm really fresh because
I haven't been in the game yet.

Yeah-yeah, I-I'm aware of that,
Mark, and, believe me

I'm just lookin' for the right
opportunity to send you in.

[male #2]
'Strike one!'

I respect your strategy, coach.

But it's the bottom
of the ninth

and it seems to me we may be
running out of opportunities.

[male #2]
'Strike two!'

Uh, look, Mark, I-I'm not sure
you're aware of this

but it is a baseball tradition

that any kid who doesn't play
in a championship game

gets a new bike.

Gee, coach,
I'd really like a new bike

but not as much
as I wanna play in the game.

Well, you see, I'm gonna
grow up, like, in a few years

but that memory
of playing in a big game

will last a lifetime.

See, years from now,
I'll look back on this day

and know I was a somebody.

Yeah. I see what you mean.

- 'Strike three, you're out.'
- Oh..

Tell you what,
you take your bat

and you hit for David, alright?

- Yes!
- No!

You can't put him in. He stinks!

[sighs]
Look, now, Billy

this is the right thing to do.

And when you're an adult,
you'll understand.

No, you can't put him in.
He stinks!

[male #1]
'Now batting for the Cubs'

'Mark Foster.'

[crowd booing]

- Take him out!
- Come on!

Come on! Get him out of there!

[crowd booing]

Hey, hey, I'm the coach.
I say what goes here.

Now, you're up. Go for it.

- But the crowd was booing.
- Forget the crowd.

I can't, because they're right.

They know I stink,
and I'll just hurt the team.

As much as I wanna play,
I don't wanna do that.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where do you think you're goin'?

Back to the bench.
I'm not good enough to play.

- Says who?
- Well..

There seems to be consensus
forming out in the stands.

Tsk. Look,
you're part of this team.

And the coach told you to go in
there and bat. So, do it.

Well, what if I strike out?
That'll be embarrassing.

Not as embarrassing
as getting your teeth

knocked out by your stepsister.

Now, get that boney little butt
in the batters box.

Right, uh, batter up.

[crowd booing]

You know, you're okay.

Thanks, dad.

[crowd booing]

[male #1]
'Mark Foster
coming back to the play'

'with two outs,
time run on second base.'

This kid blows,
it's your dead meat, Lambert.

You hear me?
We're gonna tar and feather you!

Boo!

[booing continues]

You know, pal, we might have to
leave here very, very quickly.

Strike one!

- Oh..
- Oh..

Remember, the quickest way
to the truck

is right through center field
and over the fence.

Strike two!

Let's see
if I can find the keys.

You can warm up the truck
for dad.

[thinking]
Come on, Mark. Concentrate.

It's just physics.

Ball speed,
42.7 miles per hour.

Bat weight, 28 ounces.

Optimum angle of impact,
85.29 degrees.

Wind factor, out of
the southwest, six knots.

Okay, meat, bring it.

[intense music]

[music continues]

[thumps]

[music continues]

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Run!

[all cheering]

[cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]

[Al]
Alright, Mark, way to go!

- 'We are number one!'
- We are number one!

[in unison]
We are number one!
We are number one!

[in unison]
'We are number one!
We are number one!'

We are number one!

[shushing]

Whoa!

They must have all fallen asleep
at the same time. Huh.

Guess the bet's a tie. Ha-ha-ha.

Cody, aren't you
totally zonked, too?

No way, I never felt better.

You know, like, great truths
of the universe

has been comin' at my brain
from left and right.

Oh, wait a minute.
Here comes a big one.

The-meaning-of-life one.

Dude...the meaning
of life is..

[snoring]

Okay.

[snoring]

Well, we can wake Cody up
and get the meaning of life

or we can go for pizza.

[all]
Pizza!

[theme music]