Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 12 - Boys Will Be Boys - full transcript

[thunder rumbling]

I don't want to alarm anyone

but there's a lightning storm
going on

and Cody's outside
tryin' to jump-start his van.

- Oh, why would that alarm us?
- Uh, I don't know.

Maybe because he's doing it
with a kite.

[thunder rumbling]

[engine starts]

[shudders]

Well, I got my van started.

W- w-what a r-r-rush.



[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream got broken
seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future?
Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder will there ever be
a second time around ♪

♪ Whoa when the tears are over
and the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it would be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're puttin' it
together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over
a different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall
the stronger we stay ♪



♪ It will be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Oh, man,
I love the roller derby.

Oh, whoa, look at that.

Oh, yeah, the wheel
just came off her skate

and hit the other chick
in the eye.

[all laughing]

Yeah, that is totally cool.

Man, I can't believe you guys
are watching roller derbies.

What's wrong with roller derby?

It's not entertainment.

That's lowbrow minus dribble.

Now come on.
"Three Stooges."

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

This is a Shemp episode,
anyways.

Hi.
Is there a Cody Lambert here?

Yo! Cody Lambert right here.

You're a very lucky man.

You know,
I've always thought so.

But thanks for comin' by
and telling me.

[sighs]
I love livin' in a small town.

[doorbell rings]

Whoa, deja vu.

What I meant to say was you won
the free holiday turkey raffle

down at Pearson's Market.

Wow, I've never won
anything before.

- When do I get my turkey?
- Right now. I'll get it.

Oh, man. I love turkey.

[turkey gobbles]

Whoa, I wasn't expecting
a live one.

[chuckles]
I thought he'd be, like,
bald and shrink-wrapped

and have one of them
thermometer [indistinct]

that pop up when it's done,
you know.

We sure don't
have to defrost it.

No, we deliver them alive.
That way, they're fresh.

Then you bring 'em back to us
and we butcher it.

- Butcher it?
- Yup.

We kill it, gut it and pluck it.

Now here you are.
I have to go.

Your neighbor down the street
won our holiday bacon special.

[pig squealing]

I hate these raffles.

Oh, honey, great news.

My old friend, Scooter Randolf,
is comin' for a visit.

I haven't seen him
in over 20 years, man.

We used to do
everything together.

Is he your best friend?

Oh, he's more
than a best friend.

He-he's like a brother to me.

He taught me
practically everything I know.

Oh, that must have taken
all of five minutes.

What time is he coming?

Well, he called me
from the Texaco Station.

But that's just two minutes
from here.

He's coming now?
That isn't much notice.

Well, honey, Scooter's really
not a give-notice kind of guy.

He's more of a
see-which-way-the-wind-blows

spur-of-the-moment kind of guy.

- He's a, he's a--
- Bum?

No, he's always working,
just not at the same job.

He's a jack
of all trades, Carol.

He's a, a renaissance man.

- A-a--
- Bum.

You know, Dana, I don't think
I tell you this often enough

but shut up.

I'm sure your friend
is a very nice man.

I'm really looking forward
to meeting Scooby.

Oh, no, honey.
I- it's not Scooby.

It's Scooter.

Ah, of course, it is.

Scooby would be a silly name
for a grown man.

Dana, don't you have
someplace to go?

You're right. A friend
of Frank's coming over.

I better put on my overalls
and tune up my banjo.

You know, Carol,
if she weren't your daughter

I'd spackle her mouth shut.

Yeah, well, if you can find
enough spackle, be my guest.

- Hello! Hello!
- Scooter!

Frankie boy!

- You look great!
- You look great!

Yeah!

Uh, hi.

Oh, yeah, uh, now, Scooter,
this is my wife, Carol.

- Nice to meet you.
- Same here. Same here.

I would have answered the door,
but I didn't hear the bell ring.

That's probably
'cause I didn't ring it.

Heck, this is Frankie's house.
I just come right in.

Oh, how informal.

Oh, you know, Frankie

you got yourself quite a looker.

You know, you ever get tired
of old Frankie here

you just, tsk, tsk,
give me a jingle, huh?

Ah, well,
don't wait by the phone.

Well, I'd love to talk,
but I've to get back to work.

Oh, a working gal.

- Well, what do you do, Carol?
- Well, I'm a hairdresser.

That's my salon
right through the door there.

Hairdresser. Bet she curls
your hair, huh, Frank?

[laughs]

This is just a wild guess,
Scooter

but you're not married, are you?

- Divorced.
- Oh, gee, what a shock.

[laughs]

No, no, no,
the fork goes on the left.

Why do you put it on the left

when you're going to hold it
in your right hand?

An interesting paradox.

It actually dates
from the 14th century

European custom of holding
the fork in the left hand

for both cutting and eating.

It wasn't
until the American Revolution--

- Mark!
- Yes.

Nobody cares.

No. Goodnight, Mrs. Hendricks.

No. No, no, trust me.

You look exactly
like Cindy Crawford.

If she were hit by a bus.

Is Frank home yet?

No, he's still out
with that Scooter person.

Oh, I hope they get home soon.

My roast for dinner
will be ruined.

[together]
Hey, hey, hey.
The boys are back in town.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Frank said
make myself at home.

Well, Frank was wrong.

Honey, we had the greatest time
this afternoon.

We drove up to Sheboygan to
visit our old stompin' grounds.

Cited some of our greatest
high school triumphs

like the school parking lot
where we rented a cement mixer

and buried the principal's car.

- Still there!
- Still there!

That really sounds cool.

Well, I hope you two guys
worked up an appetite.

- Dinner's almost ready.
- Uh, honey, I-I'm sorry.

But we-we had, uh,
kind of a late lunch.

How late?

[burps]
About 20 minutes ago.

Well, I'll be upstairs
dressing for dinner.

Perhaps a poncho
would be appropriate.

Frank, can I see you in the
living room for a minute?

Oh, uh, sure. What about, honey?

Ah, the couch.

Oh, the couch. Yeah, we..

I have to go
talk about the couch.

Been givin' us some trouble.

Excuse us.

Come here.

Carol, this isn't about
the couch, is it?

Oh, Frank, you knew
I was making a special dinner

for you and Scooter. How could
you eat 20 minutes ago?

I'm sorry, honey. It's just
that when Scooter and I started

goofin' around, I forgot
all about you and the kids.

I was just havin' a fun time
like in the good old days.

Uh, not that
these days aren't good.

They're very good, honey.

They're,
they're just not old yet.

Well, Frank,
it's not just about dinner.

I mean, look, I know
you're having a good time

with an old friend,
but I'm just afraid

if Scooter keeps
telling our kids

these juvenile
delinquent stories

he'll become a bad influence.

Oh, no,
that's ridiculous, honey.

Scooter's not gonna be any kind
of influence on the kids at all.

Hey, mom, guess what.

Scooter taught me
how to burp my name.

[burps]
Mark.

See, Frank, that's exactly
what I was afraid of.

So he taught Mark how to burp.
That's no big deal.

Guess what.
Scooter taught me a magic trick.

- Hey, Carol, pull my finger.
- Uh, uh, no.

[Scooter laughing]

[Frank]
Come on, Scooter. Would you,
would you be quiet, please?

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, hey, good-looking,
you new in town?

[laughing]

Come on, Scooter,
it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

- Oh, what's the matter, Frank?
- Shh.

Are you afraid you're gonna
wake up the old ball and chain?

No, the old ball and chain
is wide awake.

Shh.

Honey, listen.

[sighs]
I'm sorry we're so late.

Oh, yeah, we would
have been home hours ago

but we went to this great place
out on Route 11.

Wait a minute,
the only place out on Route 11

is the Boom Boom Room.

Oh, you know it?

Frank, you went
to a strip joint?

Well, honey, it's-it's not
actually a strip joint.

- I-it's more like a-a--
- Naked dancing club.

You see, in a strip joint

the girls start out
with their clothes on.

But at this place,
they're butt naked

right outta the blocks.

Scooter, don't help, okay?

Honey, I can explain
everything--

Don't bother,
I don't wanna hear it.

I am so angry with you, I just
don't wanna talk about it.

I'm going to bed.

What's with her?

Whoa, this looks like
it's spreading.

Oh, Carol, you're really mad,
aren't you?

[groans]

I'll take that as a yes.

Frank, I can't believe
you would do this.

Carol, I know you're upset,
but you're not the only one

who had a bad night tonight.

Uh, I didn't even wanna go
to the Boom Boom Room.

We were drivin' down Route 11

and Scooter said
he had to make a phone call.

Uh, I didn't even go in
at first, honey.

Then after about half hour,
I figured

I better go in
and drag him out of there.

And that took you
till 3 o'clock in the morning?

Well, I would have
been out sooner

but Scooter took my truck keys

and threw them
in the mud-wrestling pit.

Then why didn't you
go in there after them?

Honey, it costs 25 bucks.

And those girls mean business.
They're big girls.

Look, Frank, this is not
just about the Boom Boom Room.

Ever since Scooter arrived

an ugly trend
has been developing.

I mean, first, he shows up
without notice.

Then he's got our kids' going,
"Hey, pull my finger!"

Now he's drunk
in the living room

making passes at the coat rack.

You're right.

Uh, uh, this isn't how
I wanted things to go.

It's just that everything
kind of snowballed on me.

Look, I know
this isn't your fault.

It's just that I think maybe

that you ought to ask
Scooter to leave.

Oh, Carol, I can't do that.

I- I've known Scooter
since I was two years old.

I can't just throw him out.

He's only gonna be here
two more days.

Well, I guess
I can live with that.

Knock, knock.

See, I told you
there was a party up here.

Do you mind if we join you?
Oh, say hello.

What sounds better to you,
Elmer?

Crunchy corn doodles
or the gummy worms?

[gobbles]

Yeah, you're right.

These gummy worms, they're more
of a brunch thing, huh?

[sighs]
My favorite turkey
and his turkey.

Oh, Dana, I'm glad you're here.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I've got kind of a dilemma

or maybe it's more
of a quandary.

Would you say conundrum?
Perhaps--

Cody, just say it.

Jeez, talk about the lost art
of conversation.

Alright, my problem is

I don't know what to do
about, you know, Elmer.

You named it Elmer?
It's a turkey.

Shh. He'll hear you.

This is the holiday season.

He's feeling very vulnerable
right now.

Cody, he's two drumsticks
and some white meat.

[scoffs]
See?
That's exactly the problem.

I used to think the same things
about turkeys.

But you know what,
turkeys have feelings too.

Take last night. Elmer and I
were sittin' in my van

watchin' "Knots Landing."

You know,
everything was fine.

Then a Stove Top stuffing
commercial came on..

...and Elmer got really quiet.

[gobbles]

Look, Elmer is food.

Turkeys are raised to be eaten.

It's their job.
It's what they do.

If they could do something else,
they would do it.

You know something,
you're right.

Elmer just needs somethin'
different to do.

I'm gonna teach him a trade.

Hey, Elmer.
Are you a US citizen?

Dude, 'cause if you are

have you ever thought of an
exciting career in computers?

No?

Scooter.

Scooter.

Scooter?

- Ah. Ah.
- Oh!

Hey, Frankie Lambert,
what brings you to Memphis?

Here, I-I made you some coffee.

Oh, good. I could use that.

Ah, feels like something crawled
inside my mouth and died.

You guys don't have a cat,
do you?

Listen, Scooter,
I- I've gotta talk to you.

I- it's been great seein' you,
but, uh

we can't have any more scenes
like last night.

You understand
what I'm saying?

I hear you loud and clear.

Wife turned off
the old whoopee light, huh?

No, that's not it at all.

It's just that
I would appreciate it

if you toned it down
a little today

especially around Carol.

No problem, Frankie,
I wouldn't wanna get you

in Dutch with the missus.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, tell you what,
why don't you stay here

and patch up the old love nest

and I'll, uh, take J.T. out
for a burger or something?

Alright. You know,
that's a real good idea.

Yeah, I-I just think
Carol gets a little tense

with houseguests.

Oh, yeah, I know how wives are.

Heck, I ought to.
I've had four of them.

[laughs]
Ow!

[man on TV]
'That concludes today's episode
of "American Carpenter."'

'If you've watched it carefully'

'you've learned the correct way
to hang a door.'

Yep, unless you wanna open it.

TV, phony, pretty boy!

No, no, no, so then I said

is there any chance
she's got a sister?

Oh!

Guess you guys
had a pretty good time, huh?

Oh, dad,
we had the greatest time.

Scooter took me
to your old high school.

Then we had ice cream sundaes
for lunch.

Then he took me
to the Boom Boom Room.

Pretty neat place, dad, huh?

Boom, boom.

You took him
to the Boom Boom Room?

Yeah.

You went
into the Boom Boom Room?

Well, uh, yeah. Scooter said
it'd be okay with you.

J.T., get upstairs right now.

Well, I fought him
the whole way.

I was totally against it.

- Upstairs.
- Going, going.

Scooter, how could you take

my 16-year-old son
to the Boom Boom Room?

Easy. I gave the bouncer
20 bucks and he let us in.

You can pay me back later.

Are you out of your mind?

Takin' J.T. into a place like
that is completely out of line.

Oh, come on, Frank, lighten up.

It's a right of passage.

Didn't I take you
when you were 16?

Yes,
but you were 17 at that time.

You're 42 now.
You should know better.

Oh, whoa, Frankie

you're starting to remind me
of my father.

Except you still got hair

and you're not trying to hit me
with a lamp.

Scooter, maybe I sound like
a father because I am a father.

I have a wife, I have six kids,
I'm payin' a mortgage.

Jeez, I had no idea
life was so miserable.

My life is not miserable.
My life is great.

You-you don't get it, do you?

I get it. You changed.

You used to be a fun guy

but I guess now your old lady
is callin' all the shots.

Okay.

Now, listen, pal. First of all,
she is not my old lady.

She is my wife
and her name is Carol

and marryin' her is the best
thing that ever happened to me.

- You got it?
- Okay, Frankie, relax.

I'm not tryin' to insult her.

Uh, she's probably
a very nice woman.

No, Scooter,
she's more than that.

Look, until Carol came along

I was barely holdin' it
together.

The-the kids and I, we had
a house, but it wasn't a home.

A- and maybe havin' a family
isn't your idea of a good time

but to me, it's pretty great.

Okay, Frank,
that's, that's great.

You found what you want
and I'm-I'm real happy for you.

No hard feelings, okay?

Yeah, sure.

[chuckles]
You know, I-I-I probably
didn't mention this

but I've got an appointment
in Denver in a couple of days.

You know, big job interview.

Uh, maybe I should,
uh, just head out now.

Maybe you should, Scooter.

Yeah, you know,
I'll give you a call

the, uh, next time
I'm in town, hm?

Yeah, that would be great.

Of course, I'm not really sure
when that will be.

Uh, this thing in Denver,
it's a big executive position.

Uh, probably
have to travel a lot.

Yeah, yeah, well, I understand.

Well, I-I'll see you, Frank.

I'll see you, Scooter.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Gee, uh, Carol, I thought, uh

you were way over there
in the beauty shop.

Uh, well, I-I was.

B- but then I was in the kitchen.

You-you didn't hear what, uh

Scooter and I
were talkin' about, did you?

'No, no.'

Well, maybe a word.

A sentence or two.

Actually, I was listening
at the heating vent.

Gee, Frank, uh,
they sure were nice things

you were saying about me.

Never heard you talk
like that before.

Yeah, well, see, Caroline

I'm not very good at talkin'
about, uh, feelings and stuff.

Yeah, but I meant
every word I said.

I, I love you.

I- I don't know
where I'd be without you.

Yeah. I don't know where
I'd be without you either.

You know, when I met you,
you just, you taught me

to loosen up and..

...you're spontaneous and..

...enjoy life.

I just love you for that.

- Ooh.
- Huh?

- I just had a spontaneous idea.
- What?

Uh, why don't you and I
go upstairs and enjoy life?

Well, that's a pretty good idea.

I'm feeling
kind of spontaneous myself.

Ooh.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

This way to the Boom Boom Room.

[sighs]

- Carol.
- Yeah?

- Mistletoe.
- Aww.

Oh, whoa, conjugal moment.

This is such a great day.

I got my friend,
Elmer the turkey

a job down at the petting zoo.

And we got our first
Christmas card of the season.

Oh, this is from Aunt Edna.

Oh, I love the holidays

the cold weather,
the decorations.

Everyone's always
in such a great mood.

"Dear Fosters and Lamberts

"it's been quite a year.

"Stan lost his job.

"I broke my hip.

'"Stan Junior's
getting a divorce.'

"Sparky, our beloved schnauzer,
choked on a chicken bone.

"But perhaps it was for the best

"because he was never the same
after that bus accident.

"Hope your holidays
are as joyous as ours.

"Love, Edna and Stan.

"P.S.
Please excuse my handwriting.

I am currently
passing a stone."

Oh, I love the holidays, huh?