Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 1, Episode 19 - Country Club - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Uh, Brendan?
The fork goes on your left.

- Your other left.
- Your other left.

What's the difference?

Frank's kids eat
with their hands anyway.

Hey! I heard that, hairball.

Okay, look, could we just can
the wisecracks for five minutes?

Is that too much to ask?

Get real, Frank.
Five minutes?

The record
is a minute forty-five

and that was
at Aunt Becky's funeral.



- Hi, everybody.
- 'Hi, hon.'

Mm, mmm.

- Something smells good.
- Lambert stew.

You're cooking.
What's the occasion?

I think he hit a possum
on his way home from work.

Alright. Come on,
honey, sit down.

Everybody,
dinner's almost ready.

Let's go wash up.
Come on, come on.

[Frank]
'Let's go, let's go.'

Are we really
having possum?

Dream on.
That's only for Christmas.

[theme song]

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[screaming]



♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it
together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We got the kids in a clan ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ If all these dreams
fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, everybody.
- Guess what?

The Code-Man
and I just installed

a brand new oven in his van.

Yeah, there's only
three pieces left over too. Ha.

Why would you
want an oven in your van?

Well, you know, I mean, I've
been eating all my meals here

for the last six months and..

Well, I didn't wanna
overstay my welcome.

[chuckles]
Oh, we're way past that.

Yeah? Ha, ha, ha.

Thanks. You know, you guys make
me feel like one of the family.

Cody, you're Frank's nephew,
you are one of the family.

Oh, Carol, stop, stop.

So, Cody, what're you gonna make
for your first home-cooked meal?

Lasagna? Beef stew? Lamb chops?

You know, I never
thought of putting

those things together, man.

What's that, like,
one of those kebab-type deals?

Ha-ha.
I better go fire up my oven. Ha.

Well, Frank, uh..

...have you ever been to the
Port Washington Country Club?

Of course not, they're a bunch
of stuck-up rich snobs

who think they're better
than everybody else. Why?

Because we're all
going there this weekend.

Ooh! What? Why? Why?

Well, Florence Danforth
is one of my customers

and she's on the membership
committee and she invited us.

She thinks that we might be
country club material.

- Oh..
- Me? At a country club?

Yes! It's finally happened.

Oh, I have to pick out
something to wear.

K- K-Karen, Karen, it's not gonna
happen for three days.

I know. I'm cutting it
awful close.

Oh, I hope she marries well.

Carol, Carol, what am I gonna do
at a country club, huh?

Well, how 'bout golf?
You play golf.

No, I don't. I go to the driving
range and hit a bucket of balls.

Honey, these are not
my kind of people.

I never thought I'd say this,
but Frank is right.

I can't handle all those empty,
materialistic people

who only think about
the way they look.

Why not?
You live with Karen.

Well, Dana and I aren't going.

Fine. Don't go.

But you know what you two are?
Prejudiced.

You don't even know these people
and you've already decided

you don't like them.

That's prejudice?

Of course.

How would you feel
if someone decided

they didn't like you
before they even met you?

Come on, Frank.
I really wanna do this.

- Uh..
- I went camping with you.

- Well, yeah, but that was fun.
- Mm..

Alright.
Okay, we'll go.

Oh, thanks, honey.

[explosion]

Oh, you oughta
register those lips.

What was that?

Hey, guess what?

Now my van has an oven
and a sunroof. Ha, ha, ha.

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

Oh, I've seen enough, Carol.
Let's get outta here.

[sighs]

Come on, Frank, let's mingle.

U- uh, honey, uh,
I've been waiting

for the right time
to tell you this.

I don't mingle.
It's a union thing.

I'm not allowed.

- We're mingling.
- Oh, jeez.

[female #1]
'So then, I said to my maid'

"Of course
you can have a day off.

How about Christmas?"

[laughing]

Do you hear that, Frank?
"How about Christmas?"

Hello, I'm Carol,
and this is my husband, Frank.

Hi.

Hello.

Uh..

We're guests of Mrs. Danforth.

Oh, so you're not members?

[laughing]
No.

Excuse us.

That does it.
I'm outta here.

C- come on, Frank,
give it a chance.

You're worse than the kids.

Oh, yeah, I bet they're havin'

a wonderful time.

Alright, step right up.

Find the pea and win a dollar.

Round and round she goes.

Come on, who wants
to take a chance?

I will!

Whoa, whoa, little boy.

You're too young.

I don't want to take your money.

Please, pretty please?

Alright, don't cry if you lose.

Where is the pea?

- Yes!
- Oh, phooey.

Alright,
here you go, little fella.

- Let me go again, please.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Outta my way. It's my turn.

Only this time

let's play for five bucks.

Five bucks?

That's a lot of money.

Maybe I'll get lucky.

Pick a cup, homeboy.

Come on, Karen,
I'll buy you lunch.

Hey, I asked her first.

Look, you had..
Last time in the lobby--

Oh, yeah,
I asked her in the parking lot.

Please, don't fight over me.

Let's make it fair.

I'll have lunch
with the guy who can

come up with
the best compliment.

Karen, uh, you are the most
beautiful girl in the world.

And I would rather die
than live without you.

You're gonna have
to do better than that.

Uh, your eyes
are the colors of, of rainbows.

Well, my broker said to hold it

but you seem to know
a lot more than he does.

I'm going to
take your advice and sell.

You won't be sorry,
Dr. Collingsworth.

Ed.

♪ Come on
and shake it up baby now ♪

♪ Shake it up baby ♪

♪ Twist and shout
twist and shout ♪

♪ Got me goin' now ♪

♪ Come on baby ♪

♪ So fine ♪

♪ It's so fine ♪

♪ Come on come on come on ♪

♪ Baby now ♪

♪ Come on babe got me rollin' ♪

♪ Got me goin' now ♪

♪ Come on come on come on baby ♪

♪ Come on and shake it up
baby now ♪♪

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Greg Patterson, and you're..

Bored to death.

I haven't seen you here before.

That's because I'm not a member.

My mom is a guest,
and she dragged me with her.

Something tells me
you don't wanna be here.

Ooh, perceptive.

You know what I hate?

A bunch of boring,
stuffy people sitting around

talking about
how much money they have.

I'm Dana.

Hi, Frank. Here,
I brought you something to eat.

Well, forget it, honey.
We're leaving.

I'm the only guy here
without a stupid animal

on his shirt.

[sighs]
We are staying here
the rest of the day.

[metal clanking]

Oh, table wobbles. Ha-ha.
I can fix that.

Give me something
to do while I'm here.

I think those are eleven
sixteenth, if I'm not mistaken.

- Frank?
- Yeah.

Frank, would you get out
from under the table?

You're embarrassing me.

[Frank]
'Oh, honey, let me see'

'I'll be done in a minute.'

Mom. I want you
to meet somebody.

How do you do, Mrs. Lambert?
I'm Greg Patterson.

- Hello.
- 'Hey, Greg, I'm Frank.'

Oh, right, you must be
the new janitor.

Yeah, they caught the old guy
stealing toilet paper.

Um..

Uh, t-this is not the janitor

this is my husband
and Dana's stepfather.

- Thanks a lot, mom.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I- I saw you on the floor
with the tools, I just assumed--

Hey, hey, no, no, no problem.

Listen, if any other
table wobbles

I can fix it
as long as I'm here.

Mother!

Hi, son.
I just got some terrible news.

Archie Connell was skydiving,
the chute didn't open.

He broke every bone in his body.

- Oh, my God, that's awful.
- You're not kidding.

He's the best golfer on my team

and we got
a tournament tomorrow.

Can't you find someone else?

Where am I gonna find
a guy who can drive

a golf ball 300 yards?

Well, Frank could do that.
Couldn't you, honey?

Well, sure, if I don't
hit it with all my might.

I don't believe we've met.

Well, I'm Frank Lambert.

This is my wife Carol,
and my stepdaughter Dana.

How do you do?
John Patterson.

I'm the president of the club.

Uh, John Patterson.

- Patterson Properties?
- That's me.

Well, I am pleased
to finally meet you.

I'm a contractor.
I've been on a lot of your job.

Never got a one. Ha-ha-ha.

Uh, well, look, we're about
to play a practice round.

Why don't you join us?

I'm no good on the green.

I only like to drive the ball.

Oh, come on,
it's a best ball tournament.

We only play the best shots.

All you've gotta do

is get us down the fairway.

Come on, Frank,
it could be fun.

Besides, you might get one of
those shirts you like so much.

And it'll give us a chance
to, uh, talk a little business.

You know, figure out a way
for you and I to work together.

Well, what the heck. We're gonna
be here all weekend, why not?

Well, great.
Let's, uh, find you some clubs.

Oh, but, uh, first
I've got to call the plumber.

We've got a toilet
stuffed up in the men's room.

Oh, no need to call the plumber.
I can fix it.

I got my truck here
with a plunger

and a snake and everything.

- Great.
- Yeah.

I just need somebody to hold
the other end of the snake.

Uh, Dana? You busy?

- What?
- It'll just take five minutes.

Uh, but take your rings off.
It gets kind of messy.

Mother, I just met Greg.

I am not gonna leave him
to go snake a toilet.

Um, Frank, I-I think you'll have
to fly solo on this one.

Well, bathroom's over there and
I'll be in the clubhouse, Frank.

I'll be in the john, John.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]
I never get invited anywhere.

I wish I could've gone
to the country club.

Oh, not me. There is nothing
for me to do there.

I hate tennis, I can't swim..

...and golf is boring.

What about brunch?

They have brunch?

[doorbell buzzing]

[sighs]
Time to rinse the Baxter twins.

Hey, Penny. Hi, Ivy.

Hi, Cody.

How was the country club?

Oh, it was really neat.

Oh. You will not believe
the service they have there.

I just sat on this lounge chair,
you know

and they just moved me
all over the place.

Yeah, when I got up
to the parking lot

I figured I'd seen it all

so I just got up and left.

[chuckles]

Cody, who are you calling?

Me.

I just had a phone put in my van

and I wanna see if it works.

[sighs]
It's a real bummer, man.
Nobody is answering.

You know, they must have
hooked it up wrong.

Tch.

They should never have
broken up AT&T. Tcha.

I think he just reached out
and touched himself.

[sighs]
And I don't think
it was the first time.

So, honey, listen.

Patterson is telling me
about this

office complex he's financing.

Guess who's gonna build it
for him.

- Lambert Construction.
- Oh, wow.

That's just incredible.

They are the greatest
bunch of guys.

Yeah, I just wish I could

relate to somebody there.

All they ever
talk about is money.

Glad our family
is not like that.

Hey, how much did we make?

- Sixty bucks!
- Alright!

Tsk. Well, there they are.

Carol Lambert and her husband,
the tidy bowl man.

What is that supposed to mean?

Frank, that was a country club

not a union hall.

You are not supposed
to repair the furniture

you are not supposed to hustle
Greg's father for work

and you are not supposed
to fix the toilet.

Hey, Dana, Frank was just
trying to fit in.

Now imagine, how uncomfortable
he must have felt--

How uncomfortable
hemust have felt?

How do you think I felt?

There we are in the patio

people are carrying

golf clubs and tennis racquets.

- He's carrying a plunger!
- Look, Dana--

It's bad enough living with him.

Now he's gotta humiliate me
in public?

[instrumental music]

Well, she really
speaks her mind.

Tell her to stop it.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Carol!

Oh, Easter cards!

Hey. What's the occasion?

Uh, Easter's coming up.

Oh, yeah, well then, I guess it
works out okay then, doesn't it?

Hi, mom.

Hello, Dana.

I just got off the phone
with Greg.

We talked for over an hour.

I really like him.

- Dana--
- I know. I know.

Me, Miss Social Consciousness

falling for a guy
who belongs to a country club?

The symbol of everything
I find shallow

materialistic
and totally repulsive.

We are gonna join, aren't we?

Look, Dana,
I'm real glad you're happy

but I wanna say something.

You were way out of line
with Frank this afternoon.

I don't care what he did
at the country club.

He is your stepfather
and nothing

gives you the right
to talk to him like that.

- But, mom, he embarrassed me.
- I don't care, Dana.

Frank was just being himself.

Now, I realize he does not fit
your image of the perfect man

but he is kind,
he is decent and he is honest.

And he deserves
to be treated with respect.

So, what do you want me to do?

You're a big girl,
you figure it out.

[instrumental music]

Alright, Dana,
I'll be right back.

I wanna get us something
to drink.

Okay.

Let's hear it
for the winning team.

[all]
Yay!

Frank, that tee shot you hit
on 16 was magnificent.

Oh, no, it wasn't magnificent

it was breathtaking.

Yes!

Well, why don't we get freshened
up and have a little lunch?

Yeah, and then
we can talk about that

office complex
you want me to build.

You got it,
you hit the showers

and I'll put that trophy
in its rightful place.

My office.

Oh, okay. Well, see you, John.
Bye, Skipper.

- Okay.
- Chipper.

Oh, what a hayseed.

Oh, you're not really
gonna let him

build that office complex,
are you?

Him? Well, maybe
if I was building a barn.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

Old goober can sure
hit a golf ball a ton.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing
my son was making time

with his daughter
or I'd have never met the slob.

[laughs]

But, now that
we've won the trophy

I don't have
to string him along anymore.

I can just cut him loose
like a bad broker.

[laughing]

That's a good one.

Oh.

Nice trophy, Mr. Patterson.

Yep, well, we couldn't have
won it without Frankie boy.

Oh, you mean
that hayseed goober?

Oh, that's just, uh, golf talk.

You know, like birdie,
bogey, goober.

[laughing]

Right.

Listen, I heard everything.

You had no intention
of letting Frank work for you.

You were just using him.

Well, that's not the way it was.

We weren't using him.

I've just decided to put off
working with him for a while.

You know, Mr. Patterson,
let me tell you

something about Frank Lambert.

He may not be
country club material

but he is a decent, kind,
honest man

which is more
than you'll ever be.

So why don't you just take that
trophy and shove it..

...in your office?

Hey, here's your lemonade, Dana.

Keep it.

[instrumental music]

[dog barking]

- I speak French.
- H-h-honey, I know.

Europe would be great
but Hawaii is so much better

for the family.
There's more for the kids to do.

Oh, Frank, do you really think
we could afford this?

Are you kidding me,
when I'm done buildin'

this office complex we're gonna
be rollin' in dough.

[chuckles]

- Hi.
- 'You're back early.'

Yeah.

Listen, Frank.

I have to tell you something
and...it's not good news.

It's my truck, isn't it?

- No.
- Oh. Well, then, shoot.

I overheard Patterson
and his friends

talking about you.

He's not gonna hire you
to build that office complex.

Oh, come on, of course he is.

Patterson gave me his word.

Frank, he just told you that

so you'd help him
win the golf tournament.

He called you a hayseed.

A hayseed.

Hm.

Well, I guess we, uh, won't be
going to Hawaii this year, huh?

Boy, I feel pretty stupid
being taken in by those guys.

Well...if it makes you
feel any better

I told Patterson what he could
do with his trophy.

Wait a minute.
You stood up for me?

Well...yeah.

I mean, I figured
if anyone was gonna

call you a hayseed,
it should be me.

Well, thank you, Dana.

Look, Frank...I'm really sorry

about the way I talked to you.

And I'm sorry about
what happened at the club.

Hey.

And I am sorry
I fixed their toilet.

Could you just
hold that a second?

I wanna get my camera
and document this moment.

I'll get it.

- Hi.
- 'Hi.'

Mom, I'll handle this.

Listen. You and your dad
had a big laugh at our expense.

Why don't you just get lost?

I don't want anything
to do with you.

I understand, Dana. I..

Before I go, I just wanted
to drop something off

that belongs to Mr. Lambert.

My father doesn't deserve this.
You are the reason he won it.

That makes it your trophy.

Well, thank you, Greg.

I guess you don't share your
father's opinion of me, huh?

Well, I don't share my father's
opinion of a lot of things.

Dana, you ran out without giving
me a chance to explain that.

Uh, Frank, uh,
why don't, uh, I show you

that new thing
in the kitchen that I bought?

Frank, that thing
in the kitchen

that I bought? Now?

Oh! Oh.

Uh, I'm just gonna go

uh, look at her thing
in the kitchen.

Dana, I, I just
wanted to tell you

how sorry I am
about the way my father acted.

Greg, shut up.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]