Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 1, Episode 12 - The New Car - full transcript

[theme music]

[engine sputtering]

Mom's car
is totally embarrassing.

I mean, it was starting
to look like..

[moaning]

Them?

Oh, hey, girls,
belly-up to these buckets.

[chuckles]

Yo, Dana, I'm going to see

Ugly White Trash this weekend.

Alright. Visiting relatives?



No, they're a rock group.

Hey, if you miss me

you can hang out in my van.

If I miss you,
I'll chew off my own foot.

Well, well, here's a picture
of me leaving.

[Frank]
Uh, Codeman, hey.

A little somethin'
for the road.

[chuckles]
Oh. Thanks.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Just a minute.

Penny, phone call.

Some guy named Norbert.

Oh, that's her new boyfriend,
Norbut Shubb, the mortician.



Ugh..

Hi, Norby.

[giggling]

I'll just take this
in the other room.

[giggles]

Hi, honey.

Oh, sorry, I'm late.

- I had car trouble again.
- What? Again?

Oh, come on now, Carol,
I don't like you driving around

in that old clunker anymore.

Uh, I think it's time that you..

Well, that you got yourself
a new car.

- Oh, I don't need a new car.
- Yes, you do.

That car is not safe for you,
it's not safe for the kids.

Oh, I don't know,
buyin' a car is a big deal.

It's a major life decision.

Listen, honey, I can get you

a great deal
down at Fensky Motors.

Now, it's your decision, I don't
wanna put any pressure on you.

- Car. Car.
- Car.

[all]
Car. Car. Car. Car. Car. Car.

Car. Car. Car. Car. Car. Car.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

We'll go but we'll just look.

[cheering]

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting
it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪

♪ We got the kids and the clan ♪

♪ Only time will tell 'em ♪

♪ If all these dreams
fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, uh, Carol, Carol, Carol.

Okay, now, here's the plan.

You pick out a car you like

and then just kinda step aside

and let Mel and I
hash out the deal.

It's a man sort of thing,
you know.

Oh, I understand, sugar.

And while you're doing that

why, I'll just sit
in the buckboard

and tend to the young 'uns.

You know how wild they get

when we come into town.

Is something bothering you?

Frank, I know how to buy a car.

Well, I know you know
how to buy a car, honey

but Mel and I
are old fishin' buddies

and I know
how to deal with him, okay?

Yeah, well,
if it's okay with you

maybe I'll just tag along

and I can learn
at the feet of the master.

Now, that's the attitude.

Let's see,
we want high re-sale value

good gas mileage,
reliability, comfort..

Airbag.

Oh, right,
I forgot the airbag.

No, I was calling you
an airbag.

Wow! What a cool car!

Yeah, when I get my license,
the chicks will be crawlin'

all over me in this.

As opposed to what's
crawling all over you now?

Boy, did we wake up
on the wrong side

of the litterbox this morning.

Hey, hey.
Is that Lambert, huh?

The last time we went fishing,
all he caught was a cold.

Well, Fensky,
at least I caught somethin'.

- Yeah.
- Oh-oh!

Oh! Big one..

Hi, Mel Fensky.

Oh, uh, Mel, sorry,
uh, this is Carol, my wife.

Well, you're kidding me.

I thought
she was your daughter.

[laughing]

Ah, well,
I see you have got your eye

on this little
four wheel drive number.

Uh, yeah, well, it's okay,
but we're just looking.

Hey, well,
you better look fast.

This one's hotter
than Madonna.

Can't even keep
these on the lot, huh?

Psst. Ooh! Watch out!

Carol, did you hear that?
We're gonna have to move fast.

Now, watch and learn.

- We'll take it.
- Ah.

Frank, wait a minute.

Uh, how much is it?

Well, that would be right here

on the sticker.

Yeah, well, okay,
nice talkin' with you, Mel.

Let's go, Frank,
I told you he couldn't beat

that other guys price.

- W-what other guy?
- Hey, hey.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mel Fensky can beat
any price in town.

Yeah? Can you beat
$1500 under sticker?

[gasps]

[laughs]

Hey, uh, ahem,
last time I got held up

the guy was wearin'
a ski mask, huh.

Mel, Mel. Am I wrong?

Am I wrong or are those
cars out there?

Unsold cars.

You know, the sign says,
"Car Sales."

Maybe it should say,
"Car Parking."

[chuckles]

You're not really
his wife are you?

You're from the main office,
right?

- Okay, let's go, Frank.
- No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. Kidding, kidding.

[chuckles]
Okay, you got a deal

let's, uh, wrap this up
while I still got my shirt.

[chuckles]
Real pleasure meeting you.

Carol, you are wonderful.

Who? Little old me?

[chuckles]
Come on, Scarlet

let's buy ourselves
another buggy.

[giggling]

Wow! What a cool car.

Is it yours?

Well, um, uh, not yet.

Uh, not until tomorrow.

Well, um, I'm free
tomorrow night.

Do you wanna go out
for a burger or something?

Oh, sure.

Great. You can pick me up
in your new car.

Well, um, uh,
I'm putting in a sound system

and it might take a while
to install

those, uh, 22 speakers.

No car, no date.

Uh, pick you up at 8:00.

[instrumental music]

So what time are Penny and
Norbut coming over for dinner?

Oh, about 7:00, mom.

Norbut's working late,
he has to bury Dawsey Fipps.

- Oh, did she die?
- I hope so.

[door opens]

[exhales]

Phew!

Well, look at all the food.
What's the occasion?

Penny and her new beau,
Norbut Shubb, are joining

you and me for dinner tonight.

Honey, I don't want
to eat with Norbut Shubb.

- Why?
- Well, he's a mortician.

He gives me the creeps.

Well, Penny likes him
and that's what's important.

Carol, he touches
dead people all day.

Good, then Penny will seem
so much more lifelike.

[instrumental music]

The table's all set, I just
have to find the candle sticks.

Look in your hand, Penny.

[shriek]

Oh, I guess I'm just nervous.

[gasps]
Where's Frank?

I sent to Pearson's
to get ice-cream.

Ice-cream!
I forgot the ice-cream.

Penny, Frank is getting
the ice-cream.

Right.

[exhales]

Mom, where's the tool box?

J.T. has been
in the bathroom so long

I'm gonna take the door off.

In the beauty shop,
under the sink.

Let's put out the appetizers.

Where're you going?

Out.

[scoffs]
With who, Cher?

Well, if you're so smart,
why don't you figure it out?

Oh, this is gonna be tough.

Let's see, you must have a date

because you finally
took a shower.

You reek of cheap aftershave

which means you want her
to think you shave

which means you want her
to think you're older.

And you just took the keys
to mom's new car.

I'd like to solve
the puzzle now.

You have a date
and you're picking her up

in mom's new car.

"Johnny,
tell her what's she's won!"

A little louder, Dana.

[scoffs]
This is great, pinhead.

You don't even have a license.

Oh, you're gonna
rat on me, aren't you?

I could but where's the fun?

I think I'm gonna
let you take the car.

Oh, you think
I'm gonna screw up, don't you?

[scoffs]
I have no doubt.

And when you do,
there's no telling the hours

of pleasure I will derive
from your punishment.

Who knows, you could end up
in military school.

Oh, I'm shaking in my boots.

Buckle up.

[instrumental music]

[giggling]

- Uh, more shrimp, anyone?
- Uh, don't mind if I do.

So, Penny,
are you weighing my offer?

- Uh..
- An offer?

Oh, what offer is that?

Norby asked me to work
part-time at the mortuary

doing nails and comb outs.

[Penny giggling]

Now, Penny, don't expect tips.

We get a lot of stiffs.

[giggling]

Can you believe
he's always like this?

[giggling]

I can.

Oh, nice job
of deveining, Carol.

Say, Frank, we're having
a end-of-the-year casket sale.

You know,
making room for the 92s.

Have you given
any thought to where

you'll be spending eternity?

You mean this isn't it?

[chuckles]
Norbut, has anybody ever told--

Frank, Frank,
uh, c-could you talk

with me in the kitchen
for a minute?

Y- yes.

I wonder what they're
gonna do in the kitchen.

[giggling]
Nothing we can't do here.

[giggling]

Norbut Shubb is our guest.

- Can't you at least be polite?
- Polite?

Honey,
we invited him to dinner

and he just tried
to sell me a casket.

It's like he is saying
they're waiting for me to die.

Frank, I understand
but all I'm asking

is for two hours out
of your life, two hours.

Now, I know that Norbut
can be a teeny bit irritating

but he does have a quality
I've never seen in a man.

- What?
- He likes my sister.

Well, then, let's party.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[Penny and Norbut giggling]

[Frank gasping]

What year is this?

- Having a good time, Frank?
- Oh, the best.

[laughs]

Al.

Do your dad a big favor.

Go out there and talk
to Norby just for minute.

- No way, dad.
- I'll give a $1000.

- Nah.
- Ugh!

- Dana.
- Don't look at me, Frank.

- Here's the coffee.
- Oh.

Why me?

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

Bad date?

[gasps]
It's the car, isn't it?

What happened?

A ding?

A dent?

What?

Stolen.

Stolen?

Mom's brand new car stolen?

Aah! It doesn't get
any better than this.

- I'm dead.
- Ugh.

Well, you're in luck, there's an
Undertaker in the living room.

Dana, I've been looking
all over for you.

Well, you found me.
Now, it's your turn to hide.

Codeman, you gotta help me.

I drove Carol's car to the
Burger Barn and now it's gone.

No way. The Burger Barn's gone?

[sighs]

Dude, I'm gonna miss
those curly fries.

Not the Burger Barn.

Carol's car, somebody stole it.

- Who?
- I don't know who.

That is why it's stolen.

Cody, you've got to help me
find it.

No problem, cuz.

I'll find those wheels, huh.

The Codeman can find anything.

[scoffs]

Oh-oh, my chicken.

[chuckles]

I've been looking
all over for this.

Let's see.

You're in deep trouble

and he's your only hope.

This just keeps getting
better and better.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Yeah, they're all fascinating.

But if I had to pick
a favorite organ

I'd have to go with the liver.

Holds the most embalming fluid
and it goes down

a flight of stairs
like a slinky.

- Was it something I said?
- Who cares.

- Frank, I--
- Carol.

I can't take one more second

of Captain Casket in there.

I can't stand him either.

Let's get rid of him.

Did you say
"Let's get rid of him?"

As quickly as possible.

God, I love you.

[moans]

Ahem, listen,
uh-uh, Norbut, Penny.

We're gonna
have to call it a night

because, uh, Carol's not
feeling well.

Oh, what's the matter?

She has a terrible stomach ache.

Uh, it's a headache actually.

It's shooting, uh,
up and down through her, uh..

We're gonna have to get her
to bed that's all, okay?

- Uh..
- Come on, honey.

Gee, uh, thanks for coming.

Well, thanks
for a lovely evening.

Hope you feel better, Carol.

Now, Frank, you give me a call.

- Anybody's seen Cody?
- Uh, no, pal.

I haven't seen him.

Aunt Penny, you're leaving?

Norbut can't go
without seeing mom's new car.

New car?
Oh, I'd love to see that.

Uh, dad?

Uh, I've to tell you somethin'.

I drove the car.

- What?
- Oh! What?

You drove mom's new car?

Mom, I forget,
does J.T. have a license?

Hey, everybody.
Uh, say, Carol.

You got to be more careful
where you park your car.

I almost ran into it, huh.
In the driveway.

[Carol]
In the driveway, what was
my car doing in the driveway?

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

I drove the car
out of the garage..

...and washed it.

You what?

Tsk. I'm sorry I didn't ask
permission, Carol.

I know I did wrong.

Tsk. Oh, no.

Oh, that is so sweet, J.T..

'Alright, let's go see the car.'

[laughing]

You should've nailed me
when you had the chance.

Well, there she is.

Carol, that looks
like your old car.

It is my old car.

You brought back
Carol's old car?

- Where's my new one?
- You got a new one?

[chuckles]
Cool.

J.T., I think you better
explain yourself.

Okay.

See, I met this really hot girl
at the car dealership

and she said
she wouldn't go out with me

unless I picked her up
in Carol's new car.

What?

You don't even
have a license, pal.

That's not even the bad part.

While we were at the Burger Barn

somebody stole Carol's car.

What? It was stolen?

My brand new car is stolen?

- Frank, what're we--
- Uh, Carol, Carol, Carol.

I'll take care of this.

Penny, Norby,
uh, would you excuse us?

Oh, sure.

Thanks for
a wonderful evening, guys.

[Norbut]
'Come on, honey.'

Let's drive
by the emergency room

and see if I have to work
tomorrow.

Whoa, dude, that's what it
was doing at the used car lot.

I thought they stole this car.

Hey, wait a minute,
I just stole this car.

I better go turn myself in.

Hey, maybe there's a reward.

[chuckles]

Frank, I think we should
call the police.

Carol, that won't be necessary.

While I was out getting
the ice-cream tonight

I saw J.T. drive up
to the Burger Barn.

The car wasn't stolen,
I took it, it's in the garage.

- Why did you do that?
- To teach you a lesson, pal.

[Dana]
Here it comes.

I've been waiting
for this moment

ever since J.T. took the car.

Wait a minute.

You mean you knew
J.T. took my car

and you didn't tell me
about it?

[sighs]

I was torn.

I felt a certain loyalty

to my beloved stepbrother.

Yeah, right. Okay, let's go.

Come on, we're going
to discuss the punishment

for being an accessory
to a crime.

Boy, that Dana sure
is a troublemaker, huh, dad?

[chuckles]

Don't push it, J.T.

I'm sorry, dad.

This was a biggie, wasn't it?

Ooh, it ranks right up there.

Listen, son,
I know you really wanted

to date this girl
but if she only wanted you

for your car, was it worth it?

Well..

No, I guess not.

Son..

...you could've
really gotten hurt.

Or you could've
hurt somebody else.

Now, I know it's difficult
when you're only 15

but you got to start
using your head.

I will, dad.

[sighs]

Oh, this isn't over yet, J.T.

Did you say something
in there about

washing Carol's new car?

Dad, it's brand new.

It doesn't even have
a speck of dirt on it.

And it's not going to because
for the next six months

you're gonna wash it,
every Saturday night.

Saturday night?
That's date night.

Hey, I'm just getting started.

There's six other days
in the week.

Now, Sunday morning,
you're gonna get up bright

and early and change the dirt
in all the house plants.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]