Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

The Lamberts move in with the Fosters and the kids are fighting right off the bat. Frank and Carol want the kids to think they are dating but Frank accidentally announces that they got ...

Okay, corn flakes

bran flakes
and sugar flakes.

Hey, guys.
Glad to have me back?

We're out of cereal.

Here's some Fruit Loops.

You might need a chisel.

Hey, hey, hey.

I am gone a week

and you kids forget the rules.

Never leave a dirty dish
in the sink more than four days.

It's okay.



When I go to the store today

I'll buy some more dishes.

Dad, I don't think
I should go to school today.

- I have a fever.
- Yeah?

Feels like
a spelling test.

Come on, Al,
I'll drive you to school.

I knew I should've gone
with the spastic colon.

Yeah.

I can't eat.

I don't know
if my science project

is good enough.

Mark, I doubt if the other
kids in fourth grade

are doing anything
on genetic research.

Well, you never know.



Some of these farm kids
will surprise you.

No,
I'm getting a major zit.

Where?

It's an under grounder right now

but it's coming.

Let me know
when it gets here, we'll set

another place at the table.

Good morning.
Where's your mother?

She's got a customer due
in five minutes.

She's running late, Aunt Penny.

How can she work in her
own house and be late?

- Morning, mom.
- Hi!

Why didn't somebody wake me up?

It's your first morning
back from vacation.

- Thought I'd let you sleep in.
- I know.

But I have an early appointment.
I can't be late.

Mom, you're a hair dresser,
not a heart surgeon.

Get some perspective.

You know, I think
a person's relationship

with her hairdresser
is very important.

Of course, you do.

- Bye-bye.
- 'Bye, mom.'

You're late.

- Heavy traffic?
- Yes, yes.

- Hi, mom.
- Honey.

- You look great!
- Thanks.

Yeah.

How was Jamaica, honey?

Well, it-it was,
you know, j-just

Jamaica.

Were there a lot
of gorgeous men?

There were all kinds of,
interesting people.

You met a man,
didn't you?

You're right, mom,
she's got that look.

What look?

Excuse me. Aren't you suppose to
set a timer for this?

I'm timing it in my head.

So, what did this
man look like?

I did not meet a man.

I got some sun
and I did some reading.

'What'd you read?'

She met a man.

I can tell
she met a man.

I never meet men.

And I need a man!

Dear God, I need a man.

Hi, Penny.

Thank you.

Hi, Frank.

I have an appointment
with Carol.

Figures.

Frank, would you
like some coffee?

Coffee would be great.
Yeah, you want some help?

- Sure.
- Okay.

He's going to help me
get some coffee.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait, there's something
I have to tell you

before I kiss you again.

Okay.

I want a divorce.

A divorce?

We've only been married
36 hours.

I've had dates longer than that.

It wasn't your fault.

I mean, neither of us
could've known

the other was gonna be
in Jamaica.

I just don't know why
I did something so impulsive.

Maybe it was the magic
of the islands

or those
warm moonlit nights or..

Maybe it was those big pink
drinks with those

little teeny umbrellas.

For me it was that
little teeny bikini.

Frank, I'm just afraid

that our relationship
is purely sexual.

Well, we can build on that.

No, I'd have to think.
I don't even know you.

Carol, you know me.

You've been cutting my hair
for three months.

You convinced me
to keep the grey hair.

This is like a fairy tale.

I mean, who would believe that

fate would pick up
two small town people like us

who barely know each other
and throw them together

on a romantic island?

Carol, to be
perfectly honest

it wasn't entirely fate.

It was also Velma.

My travel agent?

She told me
where you were going.

And where you were staying and..

...what flight you were taking.
But the rest was fate.

You followed me?

Yes, and I feel guilty
about that.

- That's so romantic!
- And proud.

Guilty yet proud.

Frank, this is crazy.

I mean, we've gotten married

and our kids
haven't even met.

So we'll introduce 'em.

What time does school get out?

No, no.

I mean, if we had dated

like normal people

then our kids could've
gotten used to the idea of us

as a couple and then
we could've gotten married.

I get it.

I'm with you now.

All we got is a problem
with timing.

Yeah, but we've got
a big problem with that.

Let's say, we don't tell
anybody right away.

- You got two kids, right?
- Three.

Three.. I forgot about
little Mike.

- Mark.
- Mark. Okay, whatever.

So, we get the kids together..

...then we date for a while.

We'll get engaged and after

an acceptable period of time

we'll get married.

Frank.

That would be
so wonderful.

So, what is an acceptable
period of time?

Two, three days?

'I was supposed to go
to Wonder World'

'with Matt and Colly.'

We're going to a barbecue

at the Foster's

and you're gonna have fun

whether you like it or not.

Come on, come on, come on.

Well, well, well,
Frank Lambert.

Long time no see.

- Come on in.
- Yeah, kids, come on. Come on.

These are my kids,
Karen and Mike.

Mark.

Right, Mark.

These are mine.

Al, Brendan and J.T.

Say, hi, kids.

Hi.

And-and,
what handsome boys you are.

And,
you are just, very cute.

You're very nervous,
aren't you?

And here's Dana.

You!

My God!
It's the rat boy.

Mother, this cretin
put a dead rat in my locker.

The rat was alive
when I put him in there.

Your gym socks
must've killed him.

Hey, hey, great!
You two already know each other.

I tell you what, why don't
all you kids go on out back

and talk about what is obviously
a pretty darn interesting story?

Come on.

Here you go, sweetheart.

My, what a pretty necklace.

I didn't steal it.

My dad bought it to me
from Jamaica.

I wanted a Voodoo doll.

Jamaica.

So, is rare okay?

- Medium rare for me, dad.
- Okay, you got it.

What do you think of Carol?

My advice is date her

but don't get involved.

I mean, you don't look half bad
for an old guy.

You can do better
than that bimbo.

Hey, you watch your mouth.

You don't talk about
a lady that way.

She is not a bimbo.

She reads books, hardbacks.

Burgers are ready!

- He looks good sweaty.
- Will you stop?

Okay, here we go.

Look, mom,
we're having ashes for lunch.

Why do we have to
eat outside?

Every time we eat outside
I end up with bugs in my teeth.

Why don't you try chewing
with your mouth closed?

Why don't you try talking
with your mouth closed?

Children, time to eat.

What? What is it?

Mom, look what that midget
did to my dress!

Well, what?
I don't see anything.

There, she squirted ketchup
all over me.

Lighten up.
It was an accident.

If I wanted to get it all
over you, I'd have done this.

Stop it, you little criminal.

Hey, don't call my sister
criminal, jerk-face.

You people are savages.

Can't you argue
without throwing food?

Alright.
People are having fun.

I bet you two wish
you were back in Jamaica.

You went to Jamaica together?

No.

N- no, we-we did not go to,
Jamaica together.

We, we went,
- sep-separately.

God!

Now I get it.
That's why we're here.

You're already dating
the bimbo.

You watch your mouth,
young man.

She is not a bimbo.

We are not dating,
we're married.

- Hi.
- Hi.

My, God!
Here comes the Joad family.

Mom, aren't we rushing things
by letting them move in so soon?

Yeah, mom, don't you think
it's a red flag

that these people can just pick
up and move at a day's notice?

Well, some people are simply

unencumbered by belongings.

- Hi, honey, I'm home.
- Hi.

Dana, Karen, go help.

Help?
You mean like lift things?

Come on.
Maybe they have a mirror.

You can look at yourself
all the way upstairs.

Well, they seem to be
in good spirits.

Mom! Mom!
They brought animals!

What a wuss!

I bet every time
that girl hears thunder

she wets her pants.

Frank!

I don't think
this is gonna work.

Come on, honey,
of course it is.

Our kids hate each other.

I'm a nervous wreck
an-and to tell you the truth

we just don't like livestock
all that much.

Come on, sit down.
Sit down.

You see, now I take
the long view.

Now a week ago, you and I
were raising our kids alone.

We were sleeping alone.

Basically...we were alone.

And fate threw us together.

Well, fate and Velma.

But the point is
now we're not alone anymore.

Now, there are gonna be
some adjustments.

But in the long run..

...you and I
are gonna be very happy.

- You know why?
- Why?

Because we love each other.

You're right.

I worry too much.

Okay, everything's
under control.

There is a pig in the shop!

Hi, Frank.

What a great way
to start the day.

I took a shower and didn't have
to dry myself with my socks.

Morning, Donna.

Dana.

I'm sorry, I haven't had
my cup of coffee.

It's Carol, right?

Frank.

Normally, we have breakfast
together as a family.

You do?

How?

We all get up, get dressed
and come downstairs

at the same time.

That's sounds pretty neat.

Hey.

You have a nice day, Dana.

Dad, I don't feel good.

I don't think I should
go to school today.

What's wrong, honey?

There's nothing wrong with her.

She does this a lot.

Well, what is it this time?

Spastic colon?

Geography test?

My stomach hurts.

Well, that's because
it's empty.

Here, look, Carol made you

a nice, egg thingy.

And you slap it between
two pieces of toast..

It's almost as good as
an Egg McMuffin.

I gotta run, honey.

We'll try that,
breakfast thing real soon.

You feel warm.

Look, I know
what you're doing.

You're trying to act
like my mother.

But you're not my mother
and you never will be.

So, just don't worry
about me.

Do you really have
a stomach ache

or are you just trying to
get out of going to school?

What difference
does it make?

No one believes me anyway.

Well, I'll believe you.

It hurts.

Well, come on.

We're going to the doctor.

I don't know what
I was thinkin' about, Carol.

I- if you hadn't have been there
I might've sent Al off to school

and her appendix
might have burst.

I wish this zit would burst.

I'm sorry
your sister had to be sick.

- Thanks.
- Don't ever touch me.

I sure hope your sister
is gonna be okay.

Having your appendix out
is no big deal.

I had mine out. See.

Mr. and Mrs. Lambert?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Alicia's out of recovery
in her room now.

She's a little woozy,
but she's doing just fine.

Thank you, doctor.

- That's great news.
- She'd like to see you.

I won't be long, honey.

She was asking
for her mother.

She said that?

She called me mother?

Well, actually,
she asked to see the bimbo.

But I assumed it was
a pet name.

It's a long story.

Al..

The bimbo's here.

Hi.

Sorry about that.

I was sleepy and I couldn't
remember your name.

Well, it's understandable
seeing as how we only met

three days ago.

Thanks for believing me.

Look, I know
I'm not your mother

but I'd really like
to be your friend.

Why are you being so nice to me?

They found a tumor,
didn't they?

No, no, no.

I'd like to be your friend
because that's the first step

in becoming a family.

Now, I know this is all
happening very fast

but I really think
this could be

a very good thing for all of us.

And you know, you and I
do have something in common.

We both love your father.

Well, I am gonna be leaving home
in a few years

and my dad could use someone
to cook for him in his old age.

Al, if I promise to
be real careful

could I give you a hug?

Well, okay.

But I should warn you,
I could throw up at any moment.

I'll risk it.

Will you finish that?

Before I go to
the market for this family

I've got to get organized.

Now, I've got
J.T.'s frozen burritos

and Brendan likes
double stuffed Oreos.

Karen wants
jumbo-sized Clearasil.

Is there anything
you want, Frank?

Yeah.

Frank, the kids might see this.

Well, then let's get it
crossed off the list.