Stath Lets Flats (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - A Literally Earlier Year - full transcript

Christ!

Every day, I love you.

You're very hard for me.

French kiss me at the end
of the film or I'm out. God!

So this is not your husband?

It's just a flippin'
astonishing performance. Huh.

OK, so as soon as he comes in,
we spring up to life

and then like we practised
with the song.

OK, one, two, three.

# Surprise, Dad

SOPHIE: # You're gonna get a husband



AL: # So for your last
full day of fun, Vasos

ALL: # Welcome to your...

AL: # ..stag. #
STATH AND SOPHIE: # ..Greg. #

# ..Greg. #
Do you lot keep calling it a "Greg"?

Yeah. Why, is that not what it is?
What is it called? A grag?

I think it's more commonly known
as a stag do or a bachelor party.

But "Greg" is legit, I think.

He's here anyway.
Where is the leak?

Oh, er... # Surprise, Greg... Dad

# You're gonna have... #
# Welcome to your... #

Then just do the second bit.

Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag!

ALL: Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag!

Dean! Dean! What? Stag! Dean!
Stag! Dean! Stag! Dean! Stag!



What's "Stag Dean"?

Why are they here?

You said there was a leak
for fixing.

Yeah, that was the whole
dreadful trick to get you here.

We're doing, er...
It's like a stag for you.

But I have to work, baby.

I don't have freedom
at 11:20 morning.

Dad, we never have a special
family time together any more.

Yeah. What a time to do it as well.
You're getting married, man. Please.

Dean is bringing Carole.
There's no tenants living here.

But there's lots of other stuff -
what a plan we've got for you. Yeah.

Sophie, did you have a wicked plan?

Oh, yeah, I got some videos I found.
What video?

This one is about some fish
and this one is about a bang

and it's got Brendan Ewing in it.

Oh, my God. Brendan Ewing?
Who's Brendan Ewing?

And if, for some reason, you don't
like Brendan Ewing...

HE LAUGHS
Imagine!

..um, we could, um...

I don't know if you like
to play games,

cos if you do, I was thinking...

..we could...

..play...games.

Ooh!

OK, Stathy. Thank you.

OK, yeah. We'll do it.
Let's get on in it!

Do your lickle games for a stag do,
yeah?

What you playing? Hide and seek?

Not necessarily, Dean.

Yes.

And, er, when you find the person
that you're looking for,

say, "Buster!"
"Buster!" - like that.

Coming, ready or you're not.

Yeah!
THEY LAUGH

Where are you? Gonna find you!

Where is she?

Dad, come on -
we're going to find them.

Um...is anyone hiding?

No.

Is anyone seeking?

No.

# What is my life?

# What am I doing?

# What you got for me,
Brendan Ewing? #

CAROLE: Stath! I'm dropping Dina
with you and pegging it!

Stath, you in there?

Oh. Oh, you all right?

Yo.

Oh, you seen Father Earring?

Er, you've got to check the bath,
or under a coat or something.

It's Vasos's stag,
so they're hiding.

Found you again, Dean.
Too, er... Too easy. Ah.

Aw, Carole and my little Dina.

Hello. Where you been, my girls?
I haven't seen you in ages, babes.

Oh, have you not?

Saw you two snogging in
that horrible snuff film.

What was that about, then?
Oh, no, no, no.

That was just about us
taking acting just very seriously.

Are you here for the stag, Carole?

What? Oh, no, no.
I'm getting off a bit.

Sophie, what is this cursed film?

Oh, it's the Brendan Ewing one,
innit?

I don't know. I got it
out of Dad's spice drawer.

Dean, are you hiding still?
Oh. Hello, Carole.

SOPHIE ON FILM: We want to do a far
one of us running. What is this?

Is this Michael film?
HE GASPS

God, yes! Is that my head?

Oh, my gosh, it's you.
What's a Michael film?

Oh, um... Michael was Dad's
old partner. He had the camera.

Oh. Oh, as in THE Michael.

Oh! Look at Stathy's hair!
Oh, God!

I don't hear what they say.

VASOS IN ROOM: Sophie,
you have Eagle.

Yeah, that's cos we're talking.

Michael, why are you filming?
Because of the camera. Ah!

Welcome to the movies.

Michael, Michael. Ah!

Is that my mouth open?

Oh, my God.

She's better than Britney.

My style is actually
a bit smaller than Britney.

She's the best.
She's the best dancer so far.

Dad, if I put my foot on this,

does that mean my foot is the cat?

Michael, can we do
a game show question now?

Michael.

Michael.

Er, hello, my name's Sophie,
I'm 24 and I do the kebab shop.

But not the chicken
cos I'm not allowed.

And, also, my dad wants me
to help with the wood,

with his new flat shop!

Lettings - and stakes, not wood.

Very proud of Mr Moustachey, eh?

Let's hope it's not balls-up.

Michael and Eagle Lettings!

This is stakes.

This is...? This is...
There's the wood, though.

Are you going to carry that, Sophie?

Yes!

Why are you camera?
MICHAEL CHUCKLES

Oh, come on.

Introduction!

He came here from Cyprus
five years ago with me and you.

And now he's the superstar letting
agent of the world - it's Stathy!

ALL: # He's clothed for the job

# He looks handsome

# He's clothed for the job

# He looks handsome. #

Yay!
THEY LAUGH

Are you going to say
thank you to Michael?

Oh. That was
his nephew's friend's suit.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank fucking Michael.

I'm very proud of myself.
I'm just going to go downstairs

and practise being a letting agent
for Dad when he's not naked.

Come on, Stathy. Don't be shy.

Come.

So, you go to the customer and tell
the nice things about the flat.

You have to be creation.

If there is a shower, you can say,
"Look at this perfectly shower,"

Things like that.

Look at this perfectly shower,
please. Yeah.

Hey, look at it, please.
Do you know what I mean?

Not...not too many pleases.
OK, OK.

Look at the shower.

Sophie, Dad's a poor actor.
Put on a customer costume!

This doorway isn't bad. It's good.

Yes! That makes me happy
cos I'm a customer,

and my name is Neil and I'm from
the north of north Scotland

and I'm a rap star.

Thank God for that.

Make conversation, Stathy. Huh?
Make a conversation. Er...

Did you really? Yeah.
Ooh-arr, me heartlies.

And in Scotland,
do you play PlayStation?

Er, no. Sorry,
we just like to play with bag.

No, no. Cos I saw an advert
for PlayStation

where they said in the thing that...
A Scottish voice said...

ATTEMPTING A SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"Playastaishun -

"ya have to play it foreever."

So the big question -
do you want to rent the flat?

No, thank you. I need a rap star
palace cos I'm a rap star.

No.

OK, well, maybe I'm going
to kill you.

It's OK.

The other people
can do the viewings.

You can be in charge of the...

..water. There's going to be water
in the office?

GLASS SHATTERS
Hey! Stathy!I'm sorry.

Can I please do tours?
I thought that was pretty good.

Where is Sophie? I'm not actually
going to kill you, girl.

I just want family to work here.
English people don't enjoy me.

Are they even nice,
the interviewing people?

KNOCK ON DOOR
Hi there. Sorry to knock.

I'm not interrupting at all, am I?

No, no, no. Come in, please.

Oh, I love your hair.
Oh, yeah. Cheers.

Yeah, it's just a streak of
electric maroon. So, yeah.

What do you dream about?

Oh, you Mediterraneans.
You're full of it, aren't you?

"Dream about"? Really, though.
What'd your dream about?

Oh, right. Um...

Yeah, like last night sort of thing?
Night or day, I don't care.

OK, er... What's my dream about?
Um...

I actually dreamt that
Stansted Airport was made of wax,

and I was trying to get
Madame Tussaud's to take it in.

But they wouldn't,
cos it's not technically a celeb.

So...rando or what?
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Sorry, my English is incorrection.
Um...

What is your dream about
for your life?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
My life goals, sort of thing!

Yeah, sorry.
STATH LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Oh, yeah, sorry.
I mean, obviously, you know,

yeah, I mean,
I love the idea of working

for one of the big chain agencies,
you know, one of the bigguns.

But, yeah... Or here. Sorry, yeah.
Or here. Do you know what?

Actually, with
all-all that hair you got there

and your olive skin and that,

you're the spit of a lead
in this raunchy novel

that I'm reading at the moment.
It's set in Italy.

Alicia's Apprentice,
it's called, yeah,.

Oh, was you on The Apprentice?
Can I be on it?

Cos I've got an idea, yeah,
for water, yeah?

It's a bottle, yeah,
that's not even small.

It's massive. That's funny.
Stop talking, Stathy. What?

I think I've got skills
like the gab and that,

so I just reckon I'd be quite good.

I'm an actor mainly,
so I'd have to go part time.

But, honestly, I...I'm broke.
I need the cash.

So that's just me
being real with you.

We don't pay cash. Thank you so much
for being real with me.

Yeah. You're an actor, yeah?

My sister's an actor.

You're like Bin Diesel, yeah?

"Bin"?
DEAN LAUGHS

That's...that's jokes, man.

I think, like,
with the acting thing,

I could just, like, act being a
letting agent, you know what I mean?

Yes, I don't know what you mean.

Afternoon, sir, how are you?

OK. So fantastic property,
isn't it?

And it actually comes
with four bedrooms,

so you can bagsie the biggest one
before the kids come!

Or any pets.
That'd be great, wouldn't it?

And you also don't have to
bagsie a parking spot

because it comes with a drive.
Fantastic.

We also have a garden.

Sorry, is your name Bagsie?
No, Stathy - it's Dean! Oh, right.

Don't sit very near him.

Well, you said I was allowed
to ask a question.

That's all right, innit, Alan?
Oh, God, yeah.

No, I love all questions.

Anything I'm ever asked
is incredible.

Right. OK.

Do you have experiences
walking in a flat and...mm?

Oh, God, yeah, yeah.

I often find myself waking up
and walking the whole damn flat.

HE CHUCKLES
Oh, really?

I'm living up north at the moment.
I-I'm sorry.

This is, er...
This is completely my fault,

but...Stath, is it? Yeah.

I think you might be sat on my hand?

Right. Oh! Right. Oh, sorry.
I thought that was a stapler. Nah.

I don't know why -
the stapler's there!

I make that mistake all the time.
I thought your hand was a stapler.

I'm sorry. So, so. Come, Stathy.
But I don't wanna...! Stathy, come.

Dad, can me tell me if I'm doing
this...? I can't get this to stick.

I want to sit.

Oh... Dad?

Sorry, I was...

I meant to talk to them.

Ah, it's fantastic.

Er, I'm Stakes. Oh, hi, Stakes.

Sophie. Oh. That's cool.

Do you work here, Sophie?

Oh, I don't know, really. Um...

I just mainly put meat on top of
other meat at the kebab shop.

Ah.

You make kebabs? That's...
That's just, er...

That's just delicious.
That just completely delicious.

Is it?
THEY LAUGH SHYLY

Exactly the same stuff.

I said I don't want my name on it!

MICHAEL: Hey, Vasos...
It's done now.

Just film things, right?

VASOS SPEAKS IN GREEK

My sister got everyone
from the new work a sweet snake.

Sssss! Ah!

Day one! I look a bit like
a number one, don't I,

in this pencil skirt?
What am I like?

Yes, you look a one.
How many flats will you let today?

Oh, well, I've got figure in mind,
thank you, nosey.

Four! I think I'll let four!
Yes!

She didn't take the sweet. Er...
She didn't take it.

Oh, what? Camera again, yeah?

Oh, wassup?

Oh, I'm good, thank you.

Hi there.
Welcome to Michael and Eagle.

No birds of prey here, sadly,

but this bird is praying
that we find you a flat today.

Hi there. My name's Carole,
Carole Collins.

I'm Dean. I'm, er...
It's my first day.

Oh, 'scuse!
VASOS: Welcome.

'Scuse! Though you were a customer.
No, no, no.

I'm going to use that line,
actually, on potential tens

when they appear at your door.
Tenants, yeah.

All right. Lovely.
Well... What, every time, yeah?

Ah. The long boy.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, hello.

CAR HORN HONKS

First day at work!

Did the car touch him?

Jesus Christ!
Was he scratching himself?

I, er...I got you something.

Oh!Oh!
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

I'm sorry. That red wine was just
a gift to say thank you for the job.

Thank you. You want a sweet snake?

Ah. Well, that's delicious.
Thank you, Sosie.

Oh, it's Sophie. Yeah.
Oh, damn. Sorry.

Let's go in.

What, did he take the sweet snake?
He wanted the snake!

He took it. He took the snake!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Michael and Eagle Lettings.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry. No, sorry, I wasn't...

No, I'm sorry, sir.
I wasn't laughing at you.

I've just had as coffee and...

Yeah, no. Right...

Ah!
AL HISSES IN PAIN

How is your first ten minutes?

Oh, um...my computer
doesn't have any wires.

Maybe do it as a laptop.

The laptop doesn't have wires.

"Do it as a laptop"?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, really?

Yeah, no, that is fantastic.

Yeah, that's fantastic news.

Yeah. Lovely. All right.
Pleasure doing business.

Right, everybody-y-y-y!

# We've got ourselves a ringer! #
BELL RINGS

Feels lovely. Want a go?
Feels lovely doing that.

Well, you can have a go
when you've got one, can't you?

There it is.
SHE LAUGHS

That is a feeling, though, innit,
that? Ringing that.

You can stop filming now
cos you've filmed that. Put it down.

Oh!

That was the gentleman's things!
Sorry about that.

I'm so sorry about that.
That was the gentleman's things!

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put it
right there on my desk.

No, it's all right. We're sorry.

We didn't mean to make her
crush everyone's life.

Honestly, feel free to do it again,
if you want.

DEAN: Yo. My cousin got in a fight
with a lollipop lady or some shit.

So can one of you do
my 2pm tour thing, yeah? So...

No, no, no.
I-I'm just arranging my desk.

Please, I don't think...

I think that you two
could do a viewing.

Are you two standing here

or you want to...
looking at the viewing?

No, seeing the house. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's us.

This is Al.
Al, do you have the key, Al?

Oh, um...

Hand it to her.
I think I might have, er...

I think I might have forgot it.
I think... The key?

Yeah. Um... But isn't that...?

But then how do we get
into the inside, do you think?

OK.

Right! Yes!

So what you want to do now
is go inside it.

BANGING ON DOOR

What, do you lot not care to seek?
Know what I mean?

I've been in the boot of my car
for like 25 minutes hiding, man.

I was having wild thoughts.

Why you all looking one way?

Shall we go in and show them?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is that? Is that my...me?

Oh, look at my hair.

Shut the video, please.
No. Are we pausing?

I might just pop to the gents.

Oh, well, say "stag" on the way!
Stag! Greg. What is it?

Was what my first viewing?

Oh, them girls gave me
so much confidence, man.

I want to watch the glory.
I smashed that viewing. Please.

You smashed the flat.

You smashed the flat then,
you smash it now.

No. Oh...

Eight years is too much time now.
Trust me.

This is good.

I have a strong feeling.

We stop the business. Now.

Huh? No more.

I tried to do one last push,
but you can't push a shit.

Has Dad been pushing his shit?

I don't want to be
in Bambos' hair shop.

Everyone gets go back to Cyprus.

Bambos goes to Cyprus.

Michael leave me
and went to Cyprus.

I want to go to Cyprus.

No more doors and curtains.

No more Michael. No more Eagle.

I feel I don't care...

..about flats now.

What?!

What's been happening
while I was in my car?

Has someone said something to him
about flats?

Dad, I'm sorry, but...

..is there any way
you can just be like,

"Nah, let's keep
the business going, man"?

We could be really good, really fun
for ages more.

I'm grown-up now. I can make it,
like, really good as well.

Come on, man. Please.

Vas. You stick to your guns.
Go to Ayia Napa. Don't feel bad.

You're on the money there.

Can you not talk about guns
in front of my father, please?

And also what money am I on?

And what money are you on?
We've got to make money for Dina.

How will we do that without Michael
and Eagle? You pulling pints?

I've got a bit of cash covered.
so... Someone tell him.

Tell me what? Bro, Carole got
a new job like two weeks ago.

Haven't you noticed
she's not been in office?

Oh, what, you think
I didn't notice that?

Have you not...been in the office?

Yeah. Yes. I work for Smethwick's
now and I'm loving life. OK?

I mean, they told me to keep schtum

cos you'd probably throw a farty,
but there we go.

All right, then.

Stathy...

..are you OK?

It's all right, man. It's OK.

It's OK. Yeah, the business - hyut!

It's fine. So, yeah, go to Cyprus.
You deserve it.

I love you.

I'll just start,
like, a whole new business.

It's going to be crazy.
It'll be me and Sophie and Al,

and my man - his name's Dean,
and I make him...

Sorry, I'm not going to be involved
in that.

Like, 100% no.

Look, you and your family
have been blessed to me and that.

Like, thank you.
But, brub, I'm done.

I don't want to hear one more key.
I'm over it.

I'll go work with Stephen
and them, man. Like, I'll do that.

What am I going to tell my kids?

What am I going to tell
my grandkids?

Have I told you about the time

that I let a two-bed to a man
called Paul Ball?

Oh, did Paul go for it in the end?
This is what I mean.

Dean never says things
that I like to hear.

TOILET FLUSHES
Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm so creepy.

No, I'm sorry, I took ages.

You OK? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, good, thanks.

Just before I go in...

..have a look at this. Oh, my God!
Is that the one from the video?!

Yes, it is. No, no, no.
No, not-not the same one.

I ate that eight years ago.
It would be too sticky by now.

But I'm just saying
that I still love them.

Yeah, it's still my fave even now,
cos, um...

I-I love you so much. Um...

I-I-I just love you so, so much.
I honestly do. I just love you.

Um... I...

I kind of feel quite busy
loving you, like...

I feel kind of like, um...

I don't really have any
characteristics really as a person,

but I-I just kind of feel that...

..I'm just a person that loves you.

I think...I think maybe
that's-that's all that I am.

Er...

You like spicy food as well, innit.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's that as well.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you OK?

LAUGHING: Yeah. Yes. Sorry.

Just I can't believe it.
You never said that all before.

Oh, my God. Oh, um...

Is it OK if I love you, too?

Yes, if you like, yeah.

That's perfect, cos I do.

I love you every day.

THEY LAUGH

THUMP!
Oh!

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING

I actually do need to go to the loo.
I'm sorry. Sorry. No, it's OK.

Oh, Al. I did do a poo.

SOPHIE CONTINUES LAUGHING

Oh, my God, is that Katia?

Was that your first viewing, Stathy?

Yeah. I-I don't remember it
being her.

So you think that the property
is a property that you'd consider

renting out as a tenant
in the property? Yeah.

What do you think?

I do.

You do?

I do, yeah.

I do.

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