Stath Lets Flats (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - A Job is a Change - full transcript

Christ.

- Am I gonna be boss next month?
- No, I haven't finished yet.

What? How am I not taking over?
It's a family business.

Is that Smethwicks' bin?
Bloody posh toffs.

- Oh, sorry mate is that bin in your way?
- Yes.

I'm doing viewings here. They'll think
people with disgusting cars live here.

- I'm calling your office
- What?

OK, so let's get inside.

Oh.

It's not too bad.

Strong, she stays strong for us.



When the insurance men come, yeah,

they were actually
very sweet, genuine men.

They went like... They said this,
"It's not that bad."

To be clement with you,
most of it's not even burnt,

it's just dirt
from where the fire burnt it.

(EXCLAIMS) Sophie!
Dad, look at what Sophie done.

Ugh.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

What, so we're just
not getting out of the car now?

Brilliant, let's just stick around,

have a few more
of these fabulous chats, innit.

(SCOFFS)

Stathis. Stathis!

I want you don't come
into work for the week. I need to think.



What? Am I getting the sack?

No, not the sack,just for a week.
One week.

Right, OK, so I'm not
getting given the business

and now I don't even
work for the business?

I look forward to telling
my future son, innit,

that his dad's a tramp when he's born.

I said one week. Not tramp.

It's fine, actually, because I get calls
every hour from other agencies.

Er, Chigby Estate,
Sri Lanka Lets, Smethwicks.

- You're gonna work for Smethwicks?
- Yes.

Nah, don't. They work Saturdays.

How are we gonna have crisps
and chats in the living room?

I'm not saying I'm actually
gonna work there I'm just saying

it would be a piece of very easy.

- Easy? You said easy.
- Yeah.

OK. You go in
and have a sparkling water,

see if you can get one easy daisy.

Yeah. OK, I will go in.

- Go on!
- What, now?

Go in if you are smarty
Oxford Cambridge.

Let a flat for a million pounds
rent a day.

Yeah? Well, I will.

Get me some free mints.

- VASOS: Go!
- I'm going!

SOPHIE: Ooh.

You know who lives there at the moment?
Alexander Armstrong from Pointless.

Who's that?

No, not him. Robbie,
who's the one who...

Er, Jamie Cullum.

Oh, Jamie Cullum?

Lovely little fella. Beautiful piano.

- Do you play the piano?
- WOMAN: No, I don't.

JULIAN: Always a chance
to start, isn't there?

- What?
- What?

Are you lost mate?
I think your office is next door.

(CHUCKLES)

- What do you want?
- Where's your manager, Antonia?

She's doing a seminar
at the Croydon branch.

Her son's running things
this week, Julian.

Julian Renard?
I went to school with him, that's crazy.

Yeah, I mean, I don't care about that.

Right. Well, I'm gonna talk to him then.

No, you're not.

He's in a meeting
with some clients, all right?

So you can get out
or you can sit and wait.

I'll sit and wait then, won't I?

OK. Well, then can I offer you a drink?

No I... I just had
a bottle of water in the car.

Well, there's sparkling water. So...

You have not stopped
looking at my Oent'sLife, mate.

Go on, have it, it's yours.

Julian. It's been like 10 years.

Just one second please, Stath.
Right I'll be back, two minutes, yeah.

- OK. Have a little think.
- OK.

Robbie, bit of paracetamol, mate

Yeah, yeah, coming right up.

Robbie, this is Stath,
we went to school together.

Cool, good to see you, man.

What?

What happened to your ponytail?

He used to have this, like,
long ponytail. It was horrible.

Gross.

No, I, yeah, my ex-girlfriend
made me bloody cut it off,

then she dumped me.
I hate her, actually.

"Chips and dips." You still say that?
(CHUCKLES)

Nah, I used to just say chips and dips.

I couldn't really speak English.

Or Greek either though.

I couldn't talk, I couldn't talk...

Who's that?

Me? I'm Stath. Lovely to meet you...

God, so weird that we've been working
next door to each other,

both lettings agents now, we did it.

Yeah, yeah. What you doing here?

Here? Just...

Yeah... Actually, do you...

You don't have any work coming up soon,

or now, do you?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah... What are we...
That is so funny...

What's on your salad, Carole?

Erm, salad cream,
mayonnaise, and yoghurt.

- I like...
- I'm on a working lunch.

Oh. Stath.

I got a job there. At Smethwicks.

What? No. Why do you want to work there?

'Cause you said to, outside.

Why would I do this?

You just told me outside
and then I went in, and they said yes.

- When do you start?
- Today.

- Today?
- Yeah.

OK. Sayyour goodbyes and get out.

- When?
- Now!

Really loud.

Basically, yeah,
I don't work here any more

because I got a job
next door at Smethwicks.

- No you didn't.
- STATH: Huh?

I did. Yeah. Suck it.

At Smethwicks? Shut up.

Er, doing what? Not lettings?

Yeah, because that's actually my job.
Thank you.

How are you gonna do that?
You don't know anything.

What is the difference
between furnished and unfurnished?

Erm. One is when they have got chairs,

the other's when it's got tellies.

Right, walk away, innit.
Goodbye to this place.

-(CAROLE YELLING)
- Blimey.

Oh, God.

Well, gonna miss you, bud.

Right.

Maybe see you down in Yarmouth?

Yarmouth?

My parents have got a place down there,

It's only a 4-hour drive,
We could go paintballing.

Oh, my God, bruv,
how am I gonna do this?

Take my eyes,
so I cannot have to say goodbye.

Exactly. Oh.

I just want you to know, yeah,

that everything you've ever said to me

has been the best thing
I've ever heard in my life.

God, that's so much.

You're gonna shine
so bright at Smethwicks. It's a...

I didn't want you to bloody cry, did I?

I'm not crying...

You stop now. Stop chatting up my staff.

I'm shaking hands with Al!

I don't wanna let go.

What, you got nothing to say to me?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Good luck with everything.

I hope allyour dreams come true.

See, that was perfect. Thank you.

If you feel something, tell me about it.
Do you know what I mean?

VASOS: He knows
I'm repairing my desk today.

Still, he has to shit on me.

Alastair, can you take Sophie
on viewings today?

Show her how to do it like a lovely boy.
I love you very much.

- I'm doing what?
- Oh, you're taking over from Stath?

Oh, congratulations.

No, I got dance college.

We're doin' a clickin'
and clappin' thing today.

You don't want money?
Alastair gets how much?

- Sixteen.
-$16,000 everyyear.

Minimum and maximum!

- Oh, my God. Do you?
- Yeah.

It's your lucky day to learn
from a gentleman geezer like Al.

He is a bourgeois champion.
Don't break my nerves.

Drive with him, Miss Daisy.

- OK, but...
- Are those Stath's keys?

Yes. Good boy.

You got nice toilet paper in there, man.

The one in my old office is like wood.

You've been here like ten minutes
and you've already taken a shit?

No, I did a wee.

Right, so why do you need the loo roll?

For my willy. To wipe it.

- You all settled in, yeah?
- Yes, settled in.

Man, I'm ready to one, two,
three o'clock rock.

- Don't say stuff like that.
- No, yeah.

First up, I want you
to go into that paper cupboard

and get some paper out,
a little stack of A4.

Is it? But that's the toilet.

- No, no, that's the paper cupboard.
- That's where we keep the paper.

Erm, no, I just went
to the toilet in there.

So I know it's the toilet.

Mate, it's your first day. Don't.

Right. Yeah. OK.

No, yeah, it is the toilet.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God! You got lit!

That's the toilet!

Oh, no, no, no, I got it.

What did I? What did I do?

- Who is that, anyway?
- Stath.

JULIAN: Idiot.

All right, your first viewing.

Allow me to be your sensei.

I think the main thing to do once
we're inside is to sell the property.

Make it sound nice.

So, for instance if there's a bedroom
and it's a little bit too small,

you can say, "Oh, this bedroom's
really nice and it's not small."

- Not small.
- Yeah.

Sneaky, but that's the game.

Do we have to do this viewing?
I wanna go college.

No, no, no, I think it's good,
learning the ropes...

Al, imagine the car
was coming out of my bum.

- You can't say that in the viewing.
- Sorry.

Oh, shit!

Hi, I'm Jean.
I'm here for the flat viewing.

Exactly, thank you ever so much. Sorry.

I'm Al and this is Sophie.

Sophie's training with me today.
She's a keen bee.

(HISSES)

- What's that?
- A bee.

Julian? Erm, sorry...

Should I be doing something,
like letting a flat or something?

What? Don't strike me!

- Free punch when you let a flat.
- What?

Can I get you a drink or something?
Sparkling water?

Why's everyone trying to give me drinks?

I can get my own drink.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sorry, can I help you, sir?

- Julian...
- No, Stath.

Erm, do you want to come in?
I can show you a wonderful,

modern property with, like,
a cream door.

- Fucking getJulian, mate.
- Oh, dear.

Nice and subtle, Carl, yeah.
Next time, round the back, yeah?

Yeah, nice one, man.

(WHISTLES)

Erm, guys?

So, Jean, I see you as a bit of a chef?

Not really, no.

(STAMMERS) Well, this is a dream for you

because, look, here you could...
You could cook a...

A sort of, erm, a family pasta.

Or carrots?

Yes, or family carrots.

Have you seen the oven?
It's an absolute dream...

-(CLATTERING)
- Christ.

Jean? Have you seen this bed?
Do you like it?

The chopping board's the pillow.

- Sorry I...
- I'm sorry, Sophie you can't say that...

Basically she's saying
that the work surface is a bed.

It's very surreal.

I suppose that would make
the knife a hot water bottle!

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, wow, what an amazing room.

That's nice.

I'd love to see a big candle
stretching up to the ceiling.

Might be a nice idea.

Oh, Sophie has a tissue on her head.
Very cheeky.

Would you like to feel the bed, Jean?
It's very comfy.

Rarr!

(LAUGHING)

Did that surprise you?

I saw her get in. We were in here.

Sixty-one Waltbury Close.

Yes, Henrietta!
You're ripping the cock off this week.

That's what I'm talking about.
A little line, that's all it takes.

- Line?
- Yeah, little bump of coke.

Yes, true, true, true.

Julian,just while I've got you,

erm, how am I doing? OK?

'Cause I left my family and everything
and I'm like... Ahhh!

Mate, you're smashing it. Trust me.

I've been blown away.
Robbie, you too, mate.

You're smashing it, trust me,
I've been blown away.

OK. That's lovely to hear.

Anything you need.
Yeah? Bit of support. Sparkling water.

In fact, let's do it. Guys, Mum's away.

Afternoon off! Chinese on Smethwicks.

ALL: Yes!

Does it have to be Chinese?
We could go and have something nice?

Robbie! Come on, get involved.

Oh.

Come on, lads! Stath, get involved.

Christ...

JULIAN: Come on!

I didn't say I was gonna
do it in a suit...

When do we go off to the lunch
because, yeah...

I mean, I'm just kneeling, really.

AL: So, shall we talk about the viewing?

What, like what we thought of Jean?

Er, no, no.
Wait, what did you think of Jean?

I loved her. She's so funny.

God, yeah, such a vibrant spirit.

No, what I was going to say was,

I mean, the laughs in there
were absolutely insania,

but this is a really
big opportunity for you.

I don't want you to mess it up.

I don't care about doin' this.

I was supposed to do my clicks
and claps class today at college.

I know that everyone wants to do
singin' and dancin' as a job,

but I do as well.

Wow! I mean, that is so true.

It's just like all these rules
and regulations...

"Do this," says Papa.
"Do this," says Mama.

Just shut up everyone!
I just want to mosh out and just...

(CAR HORN HONKS)

I thought that was gonna
be a bit louder.

JULIAN: And this... Is this really
fishy and spicy is it?

Yeah? Good. I like that.
I'll have that for everyone.

And a couple of coffees for me.

Do you have anything
that isn't Chinese food?

You don't want food?

- Chinese food. I don't think I like it.
- You want drink?

Is it all Chinese drinks?

Oh, you want a Chinese drink?
Like a hot tea?

No. I want a cold drink. With ice.

You want Chinese cold drink with ice?

With ice, yeah. No Chinese cold drink.

- So just ice.
- Yes, thank you. I'll have ice.

I always keep a Banksy in my car,

so when I'm showing
these hipster pricks around...

Hippies, I hate hippies.

...I just put it on the wall.
They love it.

And it's sort of like the Pope,
with a camera for a face.

Ah, the Pope. So religion, the Pope.

I actually let a flat
to Banksy back in the day.

Yeah, I rumbled him straightaway.
He was like "Nah, nah, nah."

I was like,
"Yeah, come on, it's obvious."

Ah, yeah, Banky, I love Banky,
amazing, what a story.

Yeah, well, you're welcome,
for fuck's sake.

Have you got a story?

Yeah, erm, now?

Erm, I... Yeah.

OK, when I was a kid in Cyprus,

erm, my dad used to make me go

and get a DailyEx*press
from, like, a special shop,

but to get to there
we had to go through like a small farm.

So, on my way back from the shop
I was holding the newspaper,

I stopped to look at a pig, and the pig,
yeah, ate the DailyEx*press.

Can you imagine a thing like that?

So dry to eat the DailyEx*press.

- Why are you telling us that?
- I dunno.

Idiot.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Is that Tomoko?

Er, yeah, it's like 12:00 in Tokyo,

so shejust tells me
how dinner was before bed.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

(TOMOKO SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

(CONTINUES SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

- Hello.
-(TOMOKO SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

(CONTINUES SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

- Sorry about that.
- It's OK.

If you hit the door, it does this...

(THUMPING)

Amazing.

(ALL CHEERING)

Just give it a go.

(ALL CHEERING)

Are you gonna be sick?
What is wrong with you?

Al, the trouble trouble maker!

Hey, Stath, how's it going... Big daddy?

STATH: How'sSophie?Beinggood, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, she's really good.

I miss you lot,
we should all meet up for...

Can I call you back, Stath? I'm just...
Just in the middle of something.

DANCE TEACHER:
Five, six, seven, eight...

Quick turn, one, two, three,
four, five, six,

-seven, eight.
- Whoo!

(LAUGHING AND WHOOPING)

Love it, love it. All right. Bye, lads.

What do you mean "bye"?
Work's till 9:00 mate.

Nah, nah, nah. I got a viewing,
you got to drive me there.

A letting? Now?
Aren't you a bit squiggly?

Yeah, that's the best time,
though, innit?

Come on, chips and dips.

- Oi!
- Ah, that's a shame.

JULIAN: Yes, Henrietta!

-(KNOCKS ON WINDOW)
- Smethwicks? We're here for the viewing.

- Go on. You do the tour. I'm fucked.
- That's the tour?

- Go on. You do it.
- No, I can't do it.

- Come on.
- All right, all right, I'm getting out!

Hello, I'm Stath.

Sorry, it's fiddly.

Argh...

No.

- Julian, do we have another key?
- You broke the key?

We can't get inside?

Yeah. What do you wanna do?

- We're gonna go home.
- No. Yes. No, no, no.

No, the... Basically the thing is
it's a very simple flat inside.

So I canjust do you like
a description from outside here anyway.

- A what?
- Of inside, yeah.

So reallyyoujust open the door
and it's literallyjust a hallway,

erm, with a picture on the wall

like a Tudor one of an old bag
with oranges and bread

and all the delights of the kitchen
just spilling out of it.

Er, obviously it's up to you
whether or not you keep that.

- Would you want to keep that?
- Erm, I don't know...

Right, yeah. Then directly
ahead of you is just some stairs.

You go up them.
Not too quickly, mind you,

you don't want to trip
and scratch your back!

And then you get to the top
of the stairs to the landing

and it's really just a case of,
er, rooms.

Would that be of interest
at all to any of you?

It's very exciting. Or...

Lads, lads, lads. I'm sorry about him.

Listen, I'm sure we can
show you something else, yeah...

- We're gonna take it.
- Yeah?

We liked it online and, yeah,

we can't be arsed
to see another eight flats? So...

OK, cool, well,
what we'll do is get Henrietta

-to pop over the details.
- Yeah, we'll do that.

Yeah, sound good?
We'll get it all sorted out for you.

Nice one, lads.

Off you go, see you later.

All right, yeah, we'll sort out
all the details in the... Soon.

We need to get a painting
with oranges and bread

from Tudor times coming out a bag.

The key breaks in the door,
they don't even see inside.

- But they still took it.
- They took it from outside.

- Who's that with him?
- I just chatted them into letting it.

It's like, use your imagination,
you can do anything.

- I just talked shit about...
- Julian...

- What's inside for like 5 minutes.
- Julian, Julian, what?

They just snapped it up.

Hmm?

Can I have a word in privacies with you

-forjust a second,just a second...
- Yeah, yeah.

Oi, cut the cake,
celebrate the letting.

Is there a cake? Get a cake.

Did you tell them
it was you who let the...

Yeah, it's just one of those, innit?

That's very mad, isn't it?

Me. I let it. The flat.

What do you want from me?
Do you wanna be here?

Yes, I wanna be here.
I just want you to tell them...

Oh, you want me
to tell them that you did it?

- Yeah.
- Oh. Fine. Sorry, Stath.

Right, yeah, so, sorry,

Stath did the viewing,
er, he did the outside tour.

- There.
- Yes.

Where's the cake?

Do I get one free punch now?

Do I? OK?

Yeah, crack! (CHUCKLES)

Ooh.

STATH: Dad? You all right?

I'm cutting a leg.

Yeah.

How's Sophie been doing?

She's an angel.
What happened to your face?

Erm...

Antonia's son Julian
punched me in the face, as a joke.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

What? What you doing?

No. Where are you going?

Don't do that...

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Whoa! Whoa!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

JULIAN: Fucking hell!

Oh, God what are you doing?

Well, I better be able
to work back here now.

Go home.

Al, you all right?

- AL: Hey.
- Hey, man.

What happened to your face?

It's the champion of England town!

Sophie, don't do my job any more, yeah.
I'll do it.

- What?
- Nothing.

Dad gave me my job back. Get in the car.

Not in the front.

Al, lovely to see you.

Sorryyou had to spend
all day with this donkey.

Oh, no, it's been...

I really enjoyed it.

SOPHIE: Bye, Al.

- Stath?
- STATH: Yeah?

SOPHIE: We met someone called Jean.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)