Stath Lets Flats (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Pushy Boy - full transcript

Erm, 14B Needham Road?

Sorry I'm late, I just ran over there.

- Stath. Perfect to meet you.
- Hi.

I'm Stath, many happy returns.
I'm Stath.

Your daughter. Yes, exactly.

And shall we wait for Mummy to go in
or are we just going to charge in?

Me and her mum are separated.

Oh, God!

#One, two, three, four, five #

That's sort of a song for her
'cause she's quite young.

Oh, and there's a chair!



Michael & Eagle Lettings!

This is a feature, up here,
that we tried to get rid of,

but in the end we decided we loved it.

And as you can see,
there's an absolutely shower.

I mean, why have they
put the television here?

Who's watching TV like that?

Just making sure
there's no one in the bathroom.

Oh, blimey! Oh, there's a man
in the bath, I can see his willy!

(LAUGHS) No,justjoking, it's a lovely,
er, flat, there's no willies.

Imagine you have a party,
look how many people you would fit in,

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
and then that's seven,

and if you step like this that's 14,

and then, ah, what's another seven?

- Twenty-one.
- Twenty-one.



Any water that might
get on them... No!

You are going to love

this.

It's a bit damp on the wall there,
isn't it?

Nope, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not. It's not damp.

You just don't want
to have the tissue paper

lent against the wall because it...

Because it's going to get wet
because the wall is damp.

Oh, the fun, all the fun of the fair!

Watch her go!

Watch her go!

She loves it!

Unfortunately it doesn't
come with the flat.

Do you want to let the flat
now that I've said that to you?

No, I don't think so.

Sorry.

Why?

Do you want to take the flat?

Erm, it's a lovely place, it really is.
Yeah.

- Erm...
- Do you want to take the flat?

I think we need to have a chat, there's
a few more places we need to look at.

Do you want to take the... The flat?

- No.
- Don't...

(LAMP CLATTERS)

Careful!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you think if you push someone
they're going to let a flat?

I didn't push them, I pushed them

because I was frustrated
because I got a ticket.

(STATH GROANS)

Is that Smethwicks' bin?
Bloody posh tosh.

Sorry, mate, is that bin in your way?

Yes! Why is it here?

I don't know.
Maybe it just like, rolled there?

(SPEAKING GREEK)

- What?
- Don't put your bin on my office.

Thank you!

You pushed him,
you told me I can't push people.

A bin is not a customer.

And, Mike, is the pigeon
in the house or in the loft?

I got to ask that. I'm sorry.

STATH: Your bin stinks!

It's in the loft, I have,
I have already said...

OK, I'll tell you what.

I'm in a situation now
where I'm literally thinking

we've got to get that pigeon
out of the loft.

That's what I've been... Yeah.

Don't chat and play.

Am I chatting?
I'm thinking about what I've done.

Come with me now!

- Oh, my...
- Your sister is waiting.

I want to talk to you
very gently about something.

- Oh, OK.
- Hold my hand, princess.

(SPEAKS GREEK)

Crumbs, man.

OK, next month, I will going to be 70.

- Oh, my God.
- Why?

Why have you say, "Oh, my God"?
I didn't say something of shock.

- I didn't know.
- I want to tell you,

I'm going to retire so

- I stop working and...
- Am I going to be boss next month?

- No, I haven't finished.
- Am I taking over?

I thought you wanted to do dancing?

Oh yeah, I do want the dancing.

What? How am I not taking over?

It's a family business, man,
I'm the most one of the family.

Of course I want to give it to you,
you're my blood and body,

but look what you do,
pushing and pissing.

Vas, the tenant from Furness Drive
is here about the pigeon.

They don't like having the bird?

No, they don't like it.
I'm going to have to hire someone.

We don't want to hire, actually.

It's nice if you do it, Carole.

Well, I've already had several goes

and it turns out I'm not a bird handler.

- Can't Stath do it?
- I'm not approaching a beak!

Right, no, I'm sorry but you
don't scream near me.

- She is the living end, she is.
- No, she lets plenty,

-plenty, plenty flats.
- Wait, hang on, is Carole taking over?

Oh, my Lord! I want to be boss, please.

What about what I want, baby?

I want to retire so I can laugh all day,
and make a chair and learn iPad.

I want to look at my cousin
in Southampton, eh, Sophia?

Yeah, er, I showed them a video

of Uncle Costa
jiggling around on Facebook.

- Right.
- I want you to show me,

yes, you're the good choice for manager.

Stop pushing and get some viewings. Re!

Yep, but when I go to answer the phone,
like, they all pick it up first.

They're not even very fair to me.

Bloody hell, mate!

You hear the ring,
you don't let it ring twice.

See? Ding ding. "Hello." Gorgeous.

Ding ding. "Hello, can I help you?"

Ding ding. "Good morning,
how are you tonight?"

- Good boy!
- Yeah.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hello, this is Stath!

- VASOS: No. It's the door not the phone.
- Yes.

Carole came back.

SOPHIE: Hi, Al.

Oh, fine, thanks, yep.
How are you doing?

- Hey, Stath, are you OK?
- Good. Good, yeah.

Tricky day, heavy stuff, man.

You doing good, boy?

Yeah,just having a tea, so,
this stuff is just so addictive.

- I'm on about a cup a day now, so, yeah.
- Oh!

Not every day.

You know, sometimes
I have to go and do lets and...

The way this guy tells stories, man.

It's like everything he says is like
a famous old speech

-from like the war or something.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

It's like the radio, so funny.

Sorry, Al, best conversation
I've had in weeks, but I've got to go,

I've got to go pick up the phone.

So do you only like tea
or do you like coffee as well?

Er, no,just... Just tea,

but I've got a cousin
that really likes coffee.

Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

Yes. It's a three-bed flat,
but it feels like a four.

Like a four-bed.

Well, no,
there aren't any beds in it.

-(PHONE RINGING)
- Michael & Eagle Lettings,

- Carole speaking.
- The...

Oh, yep. Yeah, that's fine.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Michael & Eagle Lettings.
- CAROLE: OK. No problem.

Dean, I wanted to answer that one,
thank you, please.

- Muse.
- What?

The band Muse.

Got the whole house to myself now
so it's just Muse 24/7.

Loud Muse!

What are you saying, Marcus?
I don't understand the word, Marcus.

-(PHONE RINGING)
- Come on!

Michael & Eagle Lettings.

Marcus! Making me miss the phone.
Muthes!

Muse.

- We did this dance at college...
- AL: Oh, God!

And they were all caterpillar worms,

and to make the main boy a butterfly...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

...we had to rip his trousers off!

(LAUGHS) Oh, God!

Al, do you have
any spare viewings for...

What, what are you laughing at?

- This one time at dance college...
- Yeah...

When I had to rip
this boy's trousers off

and you could see his pants!

- Oh, my goodness!
- That's so embarrassing

for the guy who loses his trousers.

-(BELLJINGLES)
- Oh, a let!

-(LAUGHING)
-(PHONE RINGING)

No, no, no, I will not...

- Carole, don't.
- Michael & Eagle Lettings,

- Carole speaking.
- No, mine...

You just had a call two seconds ago!

- Ooh, sorry.
- Oh, Al!

Christ!

Be soft as you
come through the door, Al.

We're going to take you to the hospital.

Want me to get you an energy drink?

- Ah, no.
- Right.

- Just keep your head really low.
- So sorry about this,

- I don't know how to...
- Oh no, it's my fault,

I shouldn't have been sat at my desk.

Excuse me, sorry, is this a bad time?

- Er, no, it's wonderful, sorry.
- I've got a viewing

at 59A Pelling Way with Carole?

I'm not Carole,
but I'm going to do that viewing.

(STATH LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Er, Sophie, can I get the keys
to 59A Pelling Way?

Thank you. Oh, God, that's a bloody...

That's an absolute crooner
of a property that one, you lucky sod.

Give me one second on that, erm, ah,
I've got to do a viewing now.

Erm, what do you reckon, man?

Ah, well, if you could just drop me off
at A&E on the way?

- My face feels very red.
- Yeah, sorry.

- No, it's not on the way.
- Ah.

You could run there?

It's literally it will be like
25 minutes or more to go there.

- Run?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Should I tell Carole?

No! Thank you very much, Sophie.

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

Ooh, you're...
You're fantastic, aren't you!

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

In the back, please!

That blood is mucky!

Yeah. Yeah, it's really flowing now.

I should go to hospital
but Stath is going the other way.

Wait, no,
that is the way to the hospital.

STATH: We're going to get you
a lovely house, Helen!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

Oh, good God,
very strong music on there, wasn't it!

I always like this sort of effect.

All crumbly like that.
It's good enough to eat! (LAUGHS)

No, don't eat the house,
you'll get a drippy tummy.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Oh, I'm a right cherry,

I've been using my own key for my flat!

(LAUGHS) Oh, bloody hell!
Silly Billy Awards!

I win the Silly Billy Awards!

Oh! Oh, it's nice!

The interesting thing about
this particular property

is that it was actually built around
a time from,

in history,

-which is...
-(ALARM BLARING)

Oh... Oh, God!

(SCREAMS AND LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Erm, I... I believe the code buttons

are a bit tricky
to find in the property so...

- Sorry?
- No, I was... I was...

Why don't we...
Why don't I show you around,

er, while I'm trying
to find the code buttons?

- Really?
- Yeah, so the, this, erm...

This bench is actually very good
for sitting on,

and also to put your shoes.

It actually reminds me of a bench
from school in PE, Helen.

Does it remind you
of being in PE, Helen?

- Does it what?
-(SHOUTS) Does the bench

remind you of being
in PE at school, Helen?

Can you just turn that alarm off?

Yeah, with the code, but does...

I said does the bench
remind you of being in PE?

Does it what?

STATH: Does the bench remind you
of being in PE, Helen?

AL: So have you been
to this hospital before?

- Is it nearby?
- Yeah.

Sorry, I've just got a bit
of a sagging feeling in my eye, so...

Oh, my God. Yeah, I know the way.

Erm, I always see it
when I'm on my way to myjumping.

Ah, cool. Sorry, what was that?
"Yourjumping"?

Oh, er, I just go to ajumping class.

- Oh, right.
- It's, er, part of my college.

You just go and jump around
everywhere for an hour.

God, I'd love to do that,
I need to do that.

Sophie do you do, er, Twitter,

-the whole sort of Twitter thing?
- Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God, I love it.

Yeah, all my cousins follow me.

I even, yeah, got a reply
from Leona Lewis once,

-she told me she'd had enough.
- Oh, wow. See, that's great.

You know, I do a couple from
the Michael & Eagle account

but I can't play with the big boys.
(CHUCKLES)

My stuff's mainly, uh,
two-bed property to let.

Kind of cool I guess, but, you know.

You should do funny ones
from the work account.

Like, er...

"Check out these flats,
they're doolally crazy!"

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

Sorry!

That really makes me laugh!

(ALARM BLARING)

(SHOUTS) As you can see, it's actually
a fantastically big bedroom

which means it's very difficult
to find the code buttons.

- OK, can we just look at another place?
- Ah, yeah, we got it!

(GIBBERISH)

-(BLARING CONTINUES)
- Er...

(STRAINING)

(ALARM BEEPS AND STOPS)

Helen,

we did it together!

The controls are...

- Are downstairs, that was me.
- No.

Oh, well done, that was the thermostat.

Erm, I am so sorry, you must be Helen?

- Are you...
- This is Carole,

she gets rid of pigeons for our office

-and lets flats.
- Yes, yes.

Helen, I tell you what,

can you just give us two secs, babe?
Is that OK?

Erm, and by that I do mean seconds,
by the way,

not sex, thank you, in case you...

I'm going to have to watch you, Hel.
That's mad!

Pop yourself in the kitchen,
I'll be along in a minute.

Can't wait to chat to you
and get to know you.

- All right, lovely.
- All right!

Don't let her roam around,

she needs us to show her things
in the property, that's what we do.

This is my viewing, OK?
And for me what happened is,

you came along and you nicked it.

You've actually acted illegal,

and I'm going to be finishing up
from now on, OK?

Yeah, I saw her first, OK?

And the early worm catches the...thing,
the dirt.

Go away!

It's my girl Helen!

Hi, er, whereabouts is A&E?

Closest one's
about 20 minutes from here.

- What, I thought this was a hospital.
- No.

Oh, my God, I always thought it was.

I think it's just 'cause it's big.

Sorry, what... What is this place then?

RECEPTIONIST:
Two companies operate out of here,

ones a wine bottle manufacturer HQ
and the other's a copper firm.

We've got some complimentary DVDs
about them if you want.

-(SIGHS)
- Thanks very much, that's fantastic.

- CAROLE: Here we go, Hel.
- Thanks.

That alarm though, do you remember?

It was like being in a techno tent
or something, wasn't it?

I offered you a coffee earlier, Helen,
and you said no.

What is it you actually do, erm,
Helen, if you don't mind me asking?

Oh, I'm in graphic design.

Yeah, I thought
you were creative, actually,

'cause I am quite creative,
I can usually spot others.

Yes, and me, me too, very, very much.

Look, Hel, this flat.

I mean, you ask the last tenants,

they were just crying
when they found out they were leaving.

Yeah, 'cause, 'cause the bailiffs come
and they took the table,

it was their grandad's table.

- That wasn't here.
- No.

I don't know you, obviously, erm,
but from what I know of you,

like, thus far, absolutely wonderful,
creative mind,

-hell of a top on, good morals.
- Mmm.

I think you're probably a little bit
like me, actually, aren't you?

I think, you like things
howyou like them,

don't ask me why,just do, don't you?

Just want to come in,
shut the door and go, "Yes, I'm home."

Little glass of wine. That's you, innit?

Am I sort of in the right ballpark
with that?

Um, I think so, yeah.

And from my point of view...

(CHOKES UP)

I thought I had something to say.
I don't. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

So it's nice.

Yeah, OK, I'm going to...
I'm going to go for it.

- What?
- CAROLE: Ah, Helen!

That's fantastic news, Hel,
you won't regret it, I promise you.

- Lovely.
- STATH: My go on the hand

-much better (LAUGHS) than what I saw.
- That's great.

How is it your let?

I showed her around, you just sat
at the table talking about her tops.

I'm sorry, but you didn't do nothing,
you just went in and bashed around.

No, I chipped in very helpfully,

and at one point she took me aside
and she goes,

"You did this,
you're the reason I'm taking it."

- Let it go, it's my let.
- Yeah, what...

Let me get that for you, Helen.

Just the last few centimetres.

Do you want to just do the contract
here if you want, Hel?

I know, paperwork though, ugh!

Yeah, sorry, Helen,just gently.

Erm, who exactly let you
the property out of...

As in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Both of you?
- Right.

- Her probably more.
- Carole Collins.

Sorry, Helen, no, how would you know?

You're not a letting agent,
it's not your choice.

- Well, you asked me the question!
- Yeah, well, no,

I'm going back to the office.

Don't. Just leave.

SOPHIE: This one's about wine.

Do you think people watch it,
it's going to make them pissed?

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

- Oh no, God!
- It's fine.

Sorry,just... There we go.

Do you know where we are, by the way?
What is this area?

Well, the office
is just over there so...

- I wasn't sure why we were waiting here.
- Oh, my God, we're plonkers.

OnlyFoolsandRodney, innit?

(LAUGHING HEARTILY) That's good.

You know what, Sophie, I'm fine.

Yeah, let's just go back to the office.

Don't you have to go to college?

Oh, it's OK, I can dance later,

we have the music channels at ours.

Or you can come to mine and Stath's
tonight and watch these?

Oh, wow! (CHUCKLES)

Actually I should probably go back
to mine, Skype the girlfriend later.

She's having a rough time.
It's very humid in Japan.

Yeah, agreed.

- All right, Al, has Carole got back yet?
- Uh, I don't know, actually.

Oh, your head looks mad!

What is that about?

Ah, well, ha-ha-ha, chuckle, hilarious.

What, you think I can't pull it off?

God, it's a push. What you doing, man?
Come on.

RECORDED VOICE:
In supportofyourcouncil,

please tellus thenature
ofyourcomplaintafter thebeep.

-(BEEPS)
- Bin.

RECORDED VOICE:
I'm sorry, Ididn'tquite...

- Bin.
- RECORDED VOICE: Canyourepeat, please?

- Bin. Bin.
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- Ididn'tquite...
- Er, I just let a flat.

-(SHOUTING IN GREEK)
- No, sorry.

- I'm sorry, Ididn'tquite catch that
- Bin!

Marcus, I got, erm, a let.
Can you put it in the computer?

Her name was Helen... Dale I reckon.

Sure, yeah.
Just to explain the Muse thing...

- No...
- I'm planning a sort of office trip

-for us all to go and see Muse...
- Marcus...

I just need to make
the most of the summer

-now that Gwen's gone and...
- Shut up about your wife,

and put the let!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Erm, er, would you have
the signed contracts?

- Yeah, I do, yeah.
- Good. Can I see them?

DEAN: It's just flapping around
up there in the loft?

-(CRASH)
- Christ.

Oi, calm it, Stath.

- I know, yeah.
- Yeah, it's flapping around,

it's flying, I don't know
what it's doing, I just want it gone.

Well, obviously that's not on,

so we'll see what we can do
about that for you, sir.

Why can't I get it to dingle?

- Like that.
- You get one?

Yep, 59A Pelling Way.

- Bravo.
-(DOOR OPENS)

What? Shut up, don't lie!

I don't lie, your nose gets bigger
every time I see you, mate.

It's actually a massive nose as well,
so that works.

Marcus, my darling, 59A Pelling Way.

- Yeah.
- Here we go, Helen Shah.

- Yep, Dale... Shah.
- You both let Pelling Way?

- It was her viewing...
- Yes.

...so I took it off her,
fair enough, that's bad,

but then she come back to the flat
and took it back off me,

even after I set the alarm off
and done a load of work,

and showed her a bench and everything.

Erm, right, I'm not arguing with that,

yeah, that is exactly
what happened, yeah.

- No, it's not.
- What?

Why did you took it off her?

- Are you stealing now?
- No.

This morning he is the pushy boy,
now he's the man of the steal.

Is there one thing
that you can do that is a nice thing?

- Yeah.
- Can I go now? This is toxic.

- Are you in charge here?
- Sorry, sorry, Vasos, this is Mike,

he's had a bit of a rough time
with a pigeon.

She said someone will be round today.
It's been weeks.

Deary, deary, yes,
that is quite a rotten shame.

To be fair, I have had several goes,
to be fair, and also to be fair to me...

Not to be fair, to be fair every day.

- I'll do it.
- What?

Yeah, she's too busy

-talking the day away...
- I'm working.

...beep, beep, beep.
Can't we just do it, please, for once?

- Dad, I'm doing it.
- OK, bravo.

Right. So, could you just remind me,
what is it you've got in your house?

- It's just like a simple dove, innit?
- No, it's... It's a pigeon.

- Yeah.
- Oi, has someone hacked our Twitter?

"New two-bed for rent, get crazy
for flats you fucking arseholes"?

I should delete that.

What are you going to do with it?

- Have you got a net or something?
- Yeah.

Like that. Erm, so, what?

I go up and then I give it a quick push

and then it's going
to walk down the ladder?

- What?
- No, erm...

So, what have you heard about it?

Is it, like, quite nice and slow

or is it going to be a bit
quick and ridiculous?

What are you talking about?
It's a pigeon,

-it's flapping around up there.
- I don't want to do it.

- I don't want you to do it!
- I know.

- I wanted a professional...
- Right.

...but they sent you,
just get on with it.

I am getting on with it.

I'm bloody doing
a lot of effort for you, actually.

Why are you taking
the ladder away from me?

Because you need to close the hatch.

I'll close it some of the way,

but I need to leave it a bit open
so I can breathe.

MIKE: Er, no, close it.

Close the hatch!

It's not even up here,
it's probably just rotted away.

Just... Just look for it.

- Close the hatch and look for it.
- STATH: Crumbs, man!

Ugh, I can feel something.

Oh, my God, what is that?

It's like a sort of shirt.

Do you have a shirt up here, Mike?
(SHOUTS)

Oh, shit!

Oh.

Mike, I think that the pigeon
just flew out of the loft.

Christ!

(SHOUTS) What are you doing?

Damn it!

-(EXCLAIMING IN FEAR)
- Get it out!

STATH: Is it on me? Is that on me now?

- No, it's on my bed.
- No, it's on me.

Get the pigeon off me!

- MIKE: It's not on you.
-(YELLS) It is!

I'm going to get it with the...

Come back here, sir, er, young lad.

MIKE: That is not going to do it.

(SCREAMS) Christ!

Did that do it? Is it in?

- No, it didn't!
- No, it's not in!

I can't see it any more.

Beak!

Crumbs!

Ah! No, not any more.
Please, not any more!

Mike!

- What are you doing with the bag?
- What, be more calm with this?

The bag's not going to work.

You need to be more calm,
or I'm not going to... Crumbs!

(HOOVER WHIRRING)

Another telly!

Copy with me out of the window...

Copy with me out of the window, please.

We did it! Good...

- Good job, man.
- I'm going to callyour office.

What you... What office... Shit.

You did that.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)