State of the Union (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Kopi Iuwak - full transcript

My friend.
Look at that.

Same old.
Same old.

The specials come in every week.
You're here every day now.

Someone once told me

there's a coffee you can buy,
made of poop.

I know what you're thinking of.
It's not coffee made of poop.

It's coffee
made from coffee.

Okay, well, my information
was very wrong indeed.

No. No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking of.

There's this coffee
called Kopi Luwak.

which is made
from coffee cherries

that have been
through the intestines of a civet.

Fuck off, Jay.

Fool me once,
shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'll have the Kenyan peaberry.

It's true.

I'll have a stick
of gender detecting gum.

You think I just made up
the name "kopi luwak"?

Yes. You didn't even really bother
trying to make it convincing.

- Kopi wak-wak.
- Luwak.

- Through the bowels of the civet.
- Yep. Look it up.

No, because then
you'll just say,

"My God, he actually
tried to look it up."

I'll look it up.

You have to show me.

Can't just say, "yeah, there it is",
and put your phone back in your pocket.

That is literally why I'm looking it up,
to show you.

Jesus Christ.

And we wonder
why we have viruses.

A cup of that will cost you
40 bucks or so.

- For real?
- For real.

Oh. I'd buy it,
if you sold it.


I like you, Jay.
I want to help the business.

That will cost me,
like, 30 dollars per cup.

- You wouldn't be helping me.
- So, charge 50.

You are the only customer I have
who has 50 bucks to spend

on a cup of coffee.

They have the 50 bucks.

They just don't want
anyone to know they have it.

That's your demographic.
Too many liberals,

feminists, vegans, cyclists,
the wrong kind of gay.

Please tell me what
the right kind of gay is.

The ones who like
to spend a ton of money

looking good and living it up.

You think that kind of gay wants
to spend 50 bucks on civet poop?

That doesn't make them
look good.

You literally just told me
that it's coffee, not poop.

I was trying to use shorthand
for comic purposes.

And before I get myself
into hot water,

I wasn't talking about you.

You look good, but I know you don't
spend a lot of money on looking good.

I don't have
a lot of money.

And by the way,
I'm not gay.


What the hell are you, then?

- I'm an ace.
- A what now?

- Asexual.
- That's not a thing.

Oh, my God.
Sometimes I feel like I'm talking

to Humphrey Bogart
or someone.

Well, I'm sure
there are asexual worms,

but there aren't
any asexual people.

Then how come
I'm an ace?

- You're not.
- I am.

I have no desire for sex.

Only romantic,
platonic relationships.

- Good luck with that, pal.
- Hey, it works for me.

You have no desire for sex?

My libido's almost zero.

Wow. And you can
just tell people that

without any sense
of embarrassment?

I don't care. I'm an ace.

See? No one cares.
It's like saying

I'm a part
of a particular blood group.

The rest
is just bullshit.

Yeah, that's a way
forward for me.

- What is?
- Jay's an ace.

Yeah, I know.

You think that's a way
forward for you?

- Is that what you're saying?
- What do you think?

I'm not sure that's you.

Neither am I.

Hey, wait, are either of you
saying that in an insulting way?

- I'm neutral. I don't care.
- I'm kind of mixed.


Maybe you two
should go sit down and talk.

Coffee, please,

You're kind of mixed?

That I'm not asexual?
Today of all days?

Last night was great.
Thank you.

Well, not so great
that you don't wish I was an ace.

I don't wish you're an ace.
I'm just saying that you're...

You're untrammeled heterosexuality
is a blessing and a curse.

Because of the old days.

Not just.

What the hell else is wrong with it?

And why are you saying
there's anything wrong with it

when we had
great sex last night?

You know that great sex
isn't the answer to much, right?

Great sex is often the answer

to problems
between men and women.

That's what makes it great.

Did you have great sex
in the old days?

The New York apartment days?

What does that even mean?
"Great sex."

Exactly the same
as it meant 30 seconds ago,

when you said
it was the answer to everything.

I didn't have any problems
with those women.

But you did have great sex.

I didn't have problem-solving sex.

Meaning it wasn't great?

Yes. Yes, actually.
Meaning it wasn't great.

This is bullshit, right?

It was less than.

Less than?

Because there were no problems.

No problems to solve.

And that isn't as good.

This theory of sex
you've had for how long?

I'm not claiming
to have had it for a long time.

You're just making me realize
something that is true.

It's true because you want it to be true
for these five minutes,

while you try desperately to think
of some reason why having sex

with your 61-year-old wife
of 30 years

is better than the sex
you used to have

with a procession
of young women.

I don't even know
why you're doing it.

Because I want the sex
we had last night

to mean something.
So, shoot me.

Okay, let's say last night
was problem solving sex.

Which it was.

And you believe
the problem is now solved?

I mean, you tell me.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

You genuinely believe
it might be?

Well, no, obviously not.

Let's say, though, that it is.

Well, that would be insane.

I'm speaking now
purely hypothetically.

If problem-solving sex
is better than normal sex

and the problem is now solved...

I see where
you're going with this.

Why would either of us
want less than sex from now on?

We have a lot of problems.

Okay, look...

I don't know.

Sex is sex.

I guess, is the point.

We've had it often
and it never solved any problems.

And we've had many.

You will have sex again.

Almost certainly with
someone younger than me

because men always end up
with someone younger than them.

And it won't solve
any problems then either.

The only problem
sex solves

is the problem
of not having sex.

I don't agree.

But why do we keep
coming around to the same thing?

Why do you want
to solve the problems?

We were always different.

And then we became
more different

with each passing year,
and these last few years

the differences have become
more and more pronounced,

and now you're way over there

and I'm over here, and it...

It happens.

It doesn't mean
either of us is a bad person.

I'm just not a divorce guy.

Well, I wouldn't describe myself
as a divorced gal,

but I have no problem
with the idea.

We did well to get to this point.
Let's not push our luck.

What would happen
if we pushed our luck?


Maybe violence and murder.

You don't believe that.
The Quakers don't believe that.

That's why I went
to the Quakers.

- Come on.
- I was having dark thoughts.

- Stop.
- Scott...

I'm not joking.

You seriously
wanted to murder me?

No. No, of course not.

I just wanted you to die.


Nothing long and painful.

A massive heart attack.

A car crash
that killed you instantly.

But, of course,
I didn't really want you dead.

I wanted to take a lazy way out.

That's the lazy way out?

Glad you didn't go
for the energetic one.

And, by the way,
I've heard anecdotally

that car crashes can be painful.

I didn't want to do this.

Come here and tell you that

I don't want to be married
to you anymore.

It's been awful.

I honestly thought it would be
something I could turn around.

I'm sorry.

- I mean, I've been listening.
- I know.

But I was listening
in order to rebut.

Now I'm listening.

Yeah, I hear you.

I know I can't turn you around.



I don't know.

I was kind of okay
with everything because...

there was some resistance,
you were propping me up, kind of...

And now the resistance
has collapsed.



I feel a bit sick

Maybe I should keep resisting

- It's too tiring.
- I was kind of joking.

We should go.

What do you want to talk about today?

Gotta be dark thoughts, right?

Dark thoughts

and how to avoid them.

You know, I'm already seeing ways

of how the car crash
could become a near miss.