State of the Union (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Big Mustard - full transcript

You're going to think this is
personally directed, and it kind of is,

but we no longer
offer cow's milk.

- That's a joke, right?
- I wish I could say it was.

- No, you don't.
- I do, honestly.

I want to make you
as comfortable as possible here.

And I know things like this
drive you crazy.

- So who decided?
- The customers. Kind of.

You're literally the only person
that doesn't have a problem of lactose.

The milk goes off.

Nobody has a problem with lactose.
It's not a problematic thing.

A lot of people say
it makes them gassy.

- Gas is a part of life.
- But it doesn't have to be.

Just because you can stop something
doesn't mean you should.

So gas is
an ethical issue for you.

Not ethical.

More political.

Soon all the smells
of my childhood be gone.

Gasoline, tobacco, meat, farts.

It was character forming.

But there's a huge environmental
issue with milk, too.

I think a lot of coffee shops
will go our way in the end.

The day the last coffee shop
in America stops serving milk,

that's when you can take me
to one of those clinics in Oregon.

And kill me.

You have to be able
to kill yourself. That's the law.

Even better.

Really, you rather give yourself
a lethal injection

than to try oat milk in coffee?

Absolutely. Depending on when.

Anyway, that's not gonna happen.
Big Dairy.

You believe there's
such a thing as Big Dairy?

It's not a belief. It's a fact.

You guys can't just put the word
"big" in front of everything

and make it sound sinister.

You can't have Big Shaving Foam
or Big Mustard.

I have friends that make
artisanal condiments.

Believe me, there's a Big Mustard.

Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna drink it black.

Like Clint Eastwood,
but less sexually ambivalent.

What are you doing?

That guy, the one
with the beard, I know him.

You know a gay man?
Scott, you have hidden depths.

Here's the weird thing, though.
He's not actually gay.

The guy who just gave
the other guy a French kiss

is not gay?

- I know, all right?
- What makes you so sure?

I saw him put 20 bucks
in a stripper's thong.


So you were
on some sordid night out?

It was work. Took a bunch of suppliers
out to dinner.

Went on somewhere.

And that poor guy
had to pretend he was straight

because he felt intimidated
by the rest of you.

Nobody was intimidated.

I didn't tell him he had to stuff
20 bucks down there.

So you have two choices.

He was either pretending
to be straight then,

or he's pretending
to be gay now.

Yeah, I see that.


He'd have to be
a very enthusiastic bi.

Why can't bi people
be enthusiastic?

Is that a thing?
The unenthusiastic bi?

I just mean he's out there.
That stripper's thong one day,

kissing a man in public the next.

That's what I would do if
I were bi, you know, go for it.

- By the way, I'm not bi.
- No.

I can't imagine you as a bi man.

I suppose
I'm meant to be insulted.

Lots of women would be happy

they couldn't imagine
their husband being bi.

Well, I think I'd have found
the infidelities easier.

If they've been with a man.
I would've thought:

"Well, yeah. I can't offer that."

But there are very good synthetic
alternatives available.


That's not something
we need to explore.

What are we going to get
out of these sessions?

We're learning, don't you think?

I learned that you're now a Quaker.

You don't really live at home
even though we're married.

So, there's that.

- I think we're learning about...
- Don't say "ourselves".

You weren't going to say
ourselves were you?

What does that mean?

Whoever learned
anything about themselves?

And what is it? The only thing anyone
ever learned about themselves is,

what foods they
like or don't like.

You never had an oyster?
You try an oyster.

You hate it.
You've learnt you hate oysters.

That's it.
That's all you could learn.

What have you
learned about yourself

in the two sessions we had
with Steve and Cindy?

- Well, I've learned that you...
- No, not me. You.

What have you learned about
yourself with Steve and Cindy?

Can we call them "Stindy"?

I'd rather not.

They're the one person anyway.

What are you talking about?

There's no guy in that couple.

They've melted into this ball
of feminine intuition and insight.

The only male in the room is me.

- Boy...
- What?

- Now we're getting into it.
- What are we getting into?

Steven isn't a male because...

What? Finish the sentence.

I can't finish the sentence.
I think Steven is a male.

Only you can finish the sentence.

But you just stopped
at the word "because".

Stopping at the word "because"
is a rhetorical device

to encourage elaboration
of your initial point.

How was I supposed to know that?

You really thought I was going
to tell you why Steven isn't a guy?

Yes, I was surprised,
but please,

I thought we were going to be
on the same page for a minute.

I'm never going to say
a guy is not a guy.

Okay. I didn't know that about you.

I'll put that on the list
with everything else.

"Will never say
a guy's not a guy".

It was all there,
if you wanted to look hard enough.

Had I looked hard enough,
I'd have seen you are now a Quaker.

Well, no, not that.

But you could have noticed
I was heading that way...

- Toward quaking?
- It's not quaking.

How could I have noticed that?

It was simply information
that was withheld from me.

The details were withheld,
not the general drift.

You overestimate my knowledge
of Christian subsects.

I don't know how to spot
general drifts of that kind.

The point is,
it's all on the surface.

I'm not hiding things.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How's Cabdi?

He is so sweet and charming...

This is my husband, Scott.

Hi, Scott.
You must be so proud of him.

I am. I'm bursting.

I'm bursting for the restroom.
I'll see you in a moment.

I mean, I can sort of see
what you mean about Steven.

He's not a guy's guy.

He's not the old Clint Eastwood,
for sure.

Do you mind if we talk about
the person I've never heard of?

Cabdi? Sure.
What do you want to know?

Who is he?

It's not what you think.

- What do you think I think?
- That he's some kind of rival.

I think if you were
sleeping with Cabdi

your friend would not
expect me to be proud of him.

Pride would be a weird thing
to feel and to expect.

Yeah, right.

- So...
- He's just someone I sponsor.

Cabdi is an alcoholic?
You're an alcoholic?

- No, I'm not that kind of sponsor.
- Well, what other kind is there?

The kind who pays for things?

You pay for things? What things?

Well, clothes, computers,
that kind of stuff.


Because he wouldn't have them
if I didn't buy them.

But why Cabdi?

Where Cabdi? Who Cabdi?
When Cabdi?

I was introduced to him

by someone at the Friends
and impressed by him.

He's 16, just arrived from Somalia.
He's had a terrible life.

So you thought
I'm going to adopt him?

In fact, we are gonna adopt him.
Me and you.

You're overdramatizing.
He doesn't live with us.

- Okay, but...
- Scott.

I just had a thought
while I was in there.

- Would you talk to my husband?
- Sure. About anything in particular?

About the Cabdi thing.
I'd like us to get involved.

You could take over if you want.
We don't want to be greedy.

I think Cathy meant she would like
her and her husband

to sponsor someone like Cabdi.

I would love us to. And if I know
Doug, he'll want to know

all the positives
and all the negatives.

How much it's going to cost him.

Are you sure
you don't know him already?

Maybe you two
could come to dinner.

No, we're not doing anything as
a couple anymore. We're splitting up.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

But it hasn't happened yet.
And we haven't decided for sure.

Really? I can't keep up.

We could still come to dinner.

I don't think that's fair
on Doug and Cathy.

Remember the last time you got drunk
and you tried to fight me?

That didn't happen.

- Let's stick a pin in it
- Yeah.

You could have helped someone out.

Divorce is divorce.

You can't pick and choose
when we're together.

Let's go!