State of the Union (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
So...
Take your time.
- I'm actually a decisive person.
- I'm sure.
I just don't see
the word "coffee".
- We sell coffee.
- Then that's what I want.
Okay, so we have
three different roasts...
I don't want three different roasts,
I just want coffee.
What would you give me
if I just ask for coffee?
I wouldn't. I would describe
the three different roasts.
And what if I just shouted "coffee"
over your descriptions?
You can try that if you want.
Look, I've run my own business
for a long time.
One thing I've learned,
don't overcomplicate things.
Lead with the headline.
You sell cars, say you sell cars.
You sell guns,
say you sell guns.
It doesn't even say coffee
in your sign.
What the hell is "Mouthfeel"?
Sounds like a sex club.
It's the way the coffee
feels in your mouth.
It's a word connoisseurs use.
- You mean the taste?
- No.
It's distinct from the taste.
See, it's all way too complicated,
even before somebody
walks through the door.
So you think in a gun store,
a person walks in
and asks for a gun,
and that's the end
of the conversation.
They give him a generic gun
with the word "gun" on the box.
- Guns are a bad example.
- Cars.
Just give me coffee number one.
I'm not interested
in the mouthfeel.
- You take milk?
- Sure.
Regular from a cow
pumped full of steroids.
Nothing missing.
Jay.
- Is that an initial?
- Not really.
- "Not really"?
- Just Jay.
What was your birth name?
How strong is your pee flow currently?
- Not an equivalent question!
- I think it is.
So what are you
doing around here, anyway?
What? I'm not cool enough?
Honestly?
I have an appointment.
Steve and Cindy upstairs?
They're great.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, how are you?
So you met my husband, Scott.
Yeah.
I wouldn't put you two together.
- Yeah, well...
- Yeah.
Steve and Cindy.
- Exactly.
- You want to come up with us?
That will still only be five of us
in the room.
I'll bring your tea over.
So many questions.
- Yeah?
- How do you know these people?
You mean one person,
who in your mind is this entire
imaginary community of friends?
Yes.
My yoga class
is across the street.
I just told you
something you didn't know.
I was hoping you knew
I went to yoga classes.
I knew you
did something stretchy.
Okay, second question.
Let's say you need an...
What are they called, he/she?
- Pronouns.
- Exactly.
Say you needed a pronoun.
Which one would you use?
Well, I'd have
to know the context.
In the course
of an average day, I use both.
Funny. I'm talking about Jay.
You want to know
if Jay is male or female?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Hi!
Here is your tea.
And here is your steroids.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Okay.
Enjoy.
- Why do you want to know?
- Seriously?
Yes.
Because it's relevant information.
Well, maybe if you're thinking
of hooking up,
not if you're buying coffee.
What if I wanted to say "blank"
has put too much milk in this?
Jay.
Jay has put
too much milk on this.
I'm going to ask "blank"
for another cup.
Jay prefers "they".
- "They"?
- Yes.
- I'm gonna ask they for another cup?
- "Them", obviously.
- They is making me another cup.
- "They are," always.
You're giving a running commentary
on this entire transaction.
I'm just trying to understand
what's going on here.
I think you've got it.
- So, language has no meaning.
- Of course it has meaning.
- "They" is plural.
- Not the way you just used it.
- When?
- "They is plural".
You can't use "they" unless
Jay is several people.
Well, Jay isn't several people
and we still say "they".
- What are you going to do about it?
- What about the laws of grammar?
They change all the time.
See, this is why I'm not comfortable
with your choice of counselors.
Because grammar laws changed?
Because Jay works
in a coffee shop underneath,
but unconnected to their office?
There's a whole way
of thinking here that I...
You know, I'm retired.
I think Bernie Sanders is a lunatic.
I don't see anything
wrong with milk.
Why can't we go
where we went before?
That was 20 years ago
and Jeannie retired.
But that was up in Laurel Hill.
I know what goes on there.
What goes on there?
Golf, tennis.
None of this stuff.
I don't know if there's a correlation
between good sports facilities
and good counseling.
Maybe. Maybe not.
- Do you know why we're here?
- What are you talking about?
- Why are we here?
- For marital counseling.
But why?
I probably did something bad again.
But you have no real idea what?
No. But I look forward
to hearing about it.
And then I'll stop doing it
and we can move on.
Wait, so you're kind of patronizing me?
Like, I have no idea why
she wants to go see a counselor for.
Well, I'll go along with it.
What would have changed
if I'd asked a ton of questions?
You'd have seemed like someone
who has a stake in the relationship.
So just turning up isn't enough
to demonstrate that?
You're humoring me.
So can I go home again?
No.
I just don't think the people here
are going to be any good
for a guy like me.
What's a guy like you?
You know me.
You married me.
I want to hear what you'd say.
- Just hard working...
- Well, retired.
A hardworking, family guy.
Our kids are out in the world now.
I'm a guy who loves
his wife and his daughters.
And his grandchildren.
Although the youngest...
Will you stop with that?
She's two years old.
She's not likable.
- When we went to see Jeannie...
- That was then.
You asked me about now.
Anyway, I still loved my wife.
I just did a stupid thing.
Well, things, as it turned out.
I know, I know. I just thought
that was how things
were supposed to be.
You thought you're supposed
to sleep with other women?
- It was different back then.
- Yeah.
In the '90s, when men were men.
Okay, okay.
We went through
all this torture with Jeannie.
And you and her tell me what
a bad guy I am, and we talk and talk.
And here we are, like,
a quarter of a century later
and none of that
talking counted for anything.
All that talking could
never wipe the slate clean.
But it got us this far.
How's your coffee?
Tastes like Almond Joy.
I mean, I like an almond joy...
- I think I want a divorce.
- But I wanted to have coffee.
You first.
- A divorce?
- Yes.
Seriously?
We're talking to these people
because you want a divorce?
What are we gonna talk about
if you already know?
Well, I don't know. I think.
And there's a lot to talk about.
And if it turns out that's what I want,
then I can help you accept it.
And we can move on with our lives.
And be good parents
and grandparents together.
I don't accept it.
I didn't think
you would right away.
I'm not going to accept it.
Why not?
Because I love you.
I love you, too.
I don't think that will ever end.
Okay, I'm not clever enough
to understand this.
We're fine. This is crazy stuff.
This is the coffee shop talking.
I'd say the same thing in any golf
club or steakhouse of your choosing.
It's not so hard to understand.
I just don't know
if I want to be married...
To me or to anyone?
I can't imagine being married
to anyone else, either.
We should go.
That coffee was absurd.
I knew you wouldn't like it.
You should have let me describe it
Take your time.
- I'm actually a decisive person.
- I'm sure.
I just don't see
the word "coffee".
- We sell coffee.
- Then that's what I want.
Okay, so we have
three different roasts...
I don't want three different roasts,
I just want coffee.
What would you give me
if I just ask for coffee?
I wouldn't. I would describe
the three different roasts.
And what if I just shouted "coffee"
over your descriptions?
You can try that if you want.
Look, I've run my own business
for a long time.
One thing I've learned,
don't overcomplicate things.
Lead with the headline.
You sell cars, say you sell cars.
You sell guns,
say you sell guns.
It doesn't even say coffee
in your sign.
What the hell is "Mouthfeel"?
Sounds like a sex club.
It's the way the coffee
feels in your mouth.
It's a word connoisseurs use.
- You mean the taste?
- No.
It's distinct from the taste.
See, it's all way too complicated,
even before somebody
walks through the door.
So you think in a gun store,
a person walks in
and asks for a gun,
and that's the end
of the conversation.
They give him a generic gun
with the word "gun" on the box.
- Guns are a bad example.
- Cars.
Just give me coffee number one.
I'm not interested
in the mouthfeel.
- You take milk?
- Sure.
Regular from a cow
pumped full of steroids.
Nothing missing.
Jay.
- Is that an initial?
- Not really.
- "Not really"?
- Just Jay.
What was your birth name?
How strong is your pee flow currently?
- Not an equivalent question!
- I think it is.
So what are you
doing around here, anyway?
What? I'm not cool enough?
Honestly?
I have an appointment.
Steve and Cindy upstairs?
They're great.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, how are you?
So you met my husband, Scott.
Yeah.
I wouldn't put you two together.
- Yeah, well...
- Yeah.
Steve and Cindy.
- Exactly.
- You want to come up with us?
That will still only be five of us
in the room.
I'll bring your tea over.
So many questions.
- Yeah?
- How do you know these people?
You mean one person,
who in your mind is this entire
imaginary community of friends?
Yes.
My yoga class
is across the street.
I just told you
something you didn't know.
I was hoping you knew
I went to yoga classes.
I knew you
did something stretchy.
Okay, second question.
Let's say you need an...
What are they called, he/she?
- Pronouns.
- Exactly.
Say you needed a pronoun.
Which one would you use?
Well, I'd have
to know the context.
In the course
of an average day, I use both.
Funny. I'm talking about Jay.
You want to know
if Jay is male or female?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Hi!
Here is your tea.
And here is your steroids.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Okay.
Enjoy.
- Why do you want to know?
- Seriously?
Yes.
Because it's relevant information.
Well, maybe if you're thinking
of hooking up,
not if you're buying coffee.
What if I wanted to say "blank"
has put too much milk in this?
Jay.
Jay has put
too much milk on this.
I'm going to ask "blank"
for another cup.
Jay prefers "they".
- "They"?
- Yes.
- I'm gonna ask they for another cup?
- "Them", obviously.
- They is making me another cup.
- "They are," always.
You're giving a running commentary
on this entire transaction.
I'm just trying to understand
what's going on here.
I think you've got it.
- So, language has no meaning.
- Of course it has meaning.
- "They" is plural.
- Not the way you just used it.
- When?
- "They is plural".
You can't use "they" unless
Jay is several people.
Well, Jay isn't several people
and we still say "they".
- What are you going to do about it?
- What about the laws of grammar?
They change all the time.
See, this is why I'm not comfortable
with your choice of counselors.
Because grammar laws changed?
Because Jay works
in a coffee shop underneath,
but unconnected to their office?
There's a whole way
of thinking here that I...
You know, I'm retired.
I think Bernie Sanders is a lunatic.
I don't see anything
wrong with milk.
Why can't we go
where we went before?
That was 20 years ago
and Jeannie retired.
But that was up in Laurel Hill.
I know what goes on there.
What goes on there?
Golf, tennis.
None of this stuff.
I don't know if there's a correlation
between good sports facilities
and good counseling.
Maybe. Maybe not.
- Do you know why we're here?
- What are you talking about?
- Why are we here?
- For marital counseling.
But why?
I probably did something bad again.
But you have no real idea what?
No. But I look forward
to hearing about it.
And then I'll stop doing it
and we can move on.
Wait, so you're kind of patronizing me?
Like, I have no idea why
she wants to go see a counselor for.
Well, I'll go along with it.
What would have changed
if I'd asked a ton of questions?
You'd have seemed like someone
who has a stake in the relationship.
So just turning up isn't enough
to demonstrate that?
You're humoring me.
So can I go home again?
No.
I just don't think the people here
are going to be any good
for a guy like me.
What's a guy like you?
You know me.
You married me.
I want to hear what you'd say.
- Just hard working...
- Well, retired.
A hardworking, family guy.
Our kids are out in the world now.
I'm a guy who loves
his wife and his daughters.
And his grandchildren.
Although the youngest...
Will you stop with that?
She's two years old.
She's not likable.
- When we went to see Jeannie...
- That was then.
You asked me about now.
Anyway, I still loved my wife.
I just did a stupid thing.
Well, things, as it turned out.
I know, I know. I just thought
that was how things
were supposed to be.
You thought you're supposed
to sleep with other women?
- It was different back then.
- Yeah.
In the '90s, when men were men.
Okay, okay.
We went through
all this torture with Jeannie.
And you and her tell me what
a bad guy I am, and we talk and talk.
And here we are, like,
a quarter of a century later
and none of that
talking counted for anything.
All that talking could
never wipe the slate clean.
But it got us this far.
How's your coffee?
Tastes like Almond Joy.
I mean, I like an almond joy...
- I think I want a divorce.
- But I wanted to have coffee.
You first.
- A divorce?
- Yes.
Seriously?
We're talking to these people
because you want a divorce?
What are we gonna talk about
if you already know?
Well, I don't know. I think.
And there's a lot to talk about.
And if it turns out that's what I want,
then I can help you accept it.
And we can move on with our lives.
And be good parents
and grandparents together.
I don't accept it.
I didn't think
you would right away.
I'm not going to accept it.
Why not?
Because I love you.
I love you, too.
I don't think that will ever end.
Okay, I'm not clever enough
to understand this.
We're fine. This is crazy stuff.
This is the coffee shop talking.
I'd say the same thing in any golf
club or steakhouse of your choosing.
It's not so hard to understand.
I just don't know
if I want to be married...
To me or to anyone?
I can't imagine being married
to anyone else, either.
We should go.
That coffee was absurd.
I knew you wouldn't like it.
You should have let me describe it