Starstruck (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
This programme contains some scenes
of a sexual nature and contains
strong language
You don't have to kiss me
or anything.
Genuinely didn't cross my mind.
Hmm!
Shall we split this or should I, I
put some money into your account
or...?
No, it's fine, don't worry.
He's a famous actor
and you're a little rat nobody.
Loved you in The Avengers.
I wasn't in that.
Harsh, but it's true.
THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH
Oh, my God,
stop trying to win at kissing.
Um, can you stop trying
to win at kissing?
There is a reason actors date
other actors.
Dating someone like you will most
likely ruin a girl's life forever.
It's just the cleaner. Yeah, sorry.
Wow, you're a true romantic, Cath.
It's like one of those weird animal
friendship shows where you see
a Labrador and a hedgehog
who are friends. Yeah, people don't
think that.
Obviously you would say that,
you're the fucking Labrador.
Ow. I'm busting my arse to stay in
a city I'm not even from.
It's not like I have any family
here either.
I don't have a person.
I think I have to go home.
Come to Ireland with me.
Come to New Zealand with me.
No, don't leave. Stay here.
I can't. So what do we do?
Dunno. Be friends? Cheers, pal.
You're welcome, friend.
OVER TANNOY: Next stop is Charing
Cross Station,
change here for services to
Heathrow, terminals one,
two and three.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I dunno what
to do. Oh. What can I do?
No, no, no, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine.
It's so much money, isn't it? So
much money and I had a whole plan,
I had it planned out,
all right? I had the window seat,
I booked two window seats
for both the flights
and a gluten-free meal.
A gluten-free meal cos I don't
even eat gluten-free
but I-I-I know that they come out
first and I was going
to watch Dunkirk
and so now I guess I'll just never
watch Dunkirk now. We can watch
Dunkirk.
On the ground? In a house?
Don't be ridiculous, man. Jeez.
Oh, God. It's just, it's just,
I don't really...
I've never done this,
I've never done this before.
Do you want to see if you can still
make it? Do you think I should?
No. No, no, because me neither,
me neither cos I think it's good
and I made a decision
and it's fine and I'm an adult
and I'm sticking with it.
I can make decisions cos I...
..I am in control of my destiny,
and this is... It's just
a crazy decision that I made.
Is this a crazy decision? Yes.
I knew it. I so knew it.
But I'm glad you made it.
Stop me from doing something crazy.
An airport chase would've been
horrible.
You know I have a bad knee. Yeah.
You shouldn't run on a bad knee.
So, let's just...
Oh, God. Let's just... Yeah?
..take things one step at a time.
OK. Take it slow.
Slow. Yeah, slow. I can do slow.
Let's get some breakfast. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, good.
Great. Thank you.
OK? Great. No. Slow, it's fine.
SHE EXHALES
That's it.
Where are my bags?
Where are my bags?
Ahh. Where did you put my bags?
Uh, OK, we... Oh, no.
We probably... No, no, no, it's OK.
No, no, no. No, no, no, don't.
Where's the bus? Where's it going?
Where are you going?
The bus went that way. I don't
know... That way. OK, fine!
Hey... Hey, stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Please, stop. Stop.
Whoo, thank God.
Ooh. Ahh. Thank you. Ahh. Ha.
Thank you!
I've never seen anyone move... I'm
not a natural runner,
I've got flat feet. You were like
a penguin, I dunno.
Can you believe no-one stole my bag?
Yeah. What? They're good bags.
Oh, no, no, no, it's my...
No, no. No, no, it's my...
I said I was going to get this.
No, it's our first date, let me pay.
Ooh... Ooh. OK.
Thanks, guys. Thank you.
Is this what people usually do on
a first date?
You've never been on
a first date before? No.
I actually prefer just
to bump into someone, like,
a number of times over
the course of a year
and then just not get on a
plane for them. Long con.
Well, usually you make small talk
and they get to know each other.
OK...OK. All right, well, hello.
Hi. My name is Jessie,
I am 21 years old.
21? Yes, don't ask, uh, for any ID
but I don't remember 9/11.
OK. Um, are your parents mad that
you've run off with an older man?
No.
Are you going to call them? Um,
yeah. No, I mean, it's just probably
late there, so I'll ring them in the
morning, but, yeah, it'll be good.
It'll be fine.
They'll be fine with it.
I mean, they paid for the tickets
so maybe they'll be annoyed.
Little bit annoyed, but no,
they'll be good.
They'll be, they'll be good.
They'll get it.
I mean, Mum did change the sheets in
the spare room, so, weirdly,
that is a thing she would probably
get weirdly mad about,
but, no, she, yeah, oh, yeah,
they'll be good.
They'll be good.
So, what do you want to do? Do you
want to go back to your flat?
Uh, no.
You want to come back to mine?
Um, ah...
I... No, because I mean I'm...I'm
just having a good time being out
and out and about in London.
Like, how often do you find yourself
in the middle of London?
Quite often. I just... I think we
should just keep doing something,
like, let's just do something fun.
We'll do something fun.
Swinging London, baby.
Like, we could just do something
and just keep moving forward
and I think if we keep moving
forward this is all just going
to feel a bit more normal cos I'm
feeling a bit...
Bit, yeah. OK. Yeah, sure. Yeah,
yeah? Let's move. Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, what the fuck?
Why are we back on a bus?
You wanted to go sightseeing.
Oh, God. I didn't want to go on
a... God!
Ahh!
First time in London.
Why aren't you ringing me from
a fucking plane to Ireland?
Yeah, look, something's come up.
I don't think I'm going to be able
to make it.
Where the fuck are you?
I'm coming to get you.
No, no, don't do that.
Yeah, no, I am.
Drop me a fucking pin, darling.
Drop the pin.
Everything's fine. Drop it!
Don't smile. Really?
Yes.
But you're going to draw me
smiling in the...
Cos I'd... I'd like to look happy
in any way.
That's, like, a request.
Oh, wow. Yeah, don't
look straight at me, please.
Sorry.
They're fantastic. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my...
Don't smile, hands down. OK.
Look at me. Don't look at this.
Oh, my God. Don't.
Oh, my God. Do you know him?
Look, I'm really sorry, it's just
not a good time. There's a lot of...
You wanted to make this pretentious
film, I wanted to make some money.
I want to do the film,
of course I do.
You know this is bullying?
This is workplace bullying.
Can't I just go first thing
tomorrow? No.
Well, something's come up and I'm
not going to be able to make
that flight.
I'm feeling very stressed!
I love you.
What do you think? Nice.
Yeah, you like it?
Did you ask to be on a jet ski?
No, that was the artist's
own choice, but I do like it.
Oh, also, he hooked me up with
the tickets to Magic Mike Live.
It's sick. A ticket scalper
and a caricature artist.
Yeah, very multi-talented.
Who was that on the phone?
Ah, no-one, just work.
Is everything OK? Yeah, all good.
So you're taking me to dinner
and a show? No dinner, just a show.
I've spent the last of my money on
this, so I better see some titties.
Uh, gross. No, it's not gross if
it's men's titties,
it's actually OK.
Oh, really, is that the rule now?
Hey. Hey! Uh-oh.
Your bags. Oh. Ah, sorry. Sorry.
Don't...
Yeah, sorry.
Do you have a key?
No.
Is Kate in?
No, she'll be at work.
So it's probably for the best.
Do you have a spare key?
Yeah. I just...
..don't know where it is.
OK.
Ooh.
Is it this one?
Oh, yeah, that's it. There you go.
Was that just there? Yeah, huh.
Home, sweet home. Oh, God. Bang one
here. Yeah, just bring it through.
Through there? Yeah. Are you all
right there?
Oh, Jesus.
SCREAMS: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God. Oh, where you going?
Come back here!
Oh, my back. Ooh. Are you OK?
Ow...Ow. Ah.
I just need to say it was my idea
not Kate's. What is wrong with you?
You were supposed to be at work.
You were supposed to be on a plane,
flying out of my life forever.
I've spent the entire morning
grieving.
Oh, is that what we walked in on,
is it?
Oh, my God.
Your mum is going to kill you.
You probably should tell her
soon, shouldn't you?
I should fucking think so.
No offence, Tom.
Can we take this outside?
Yeah. Yeah, let's take this outside
cos I'm going to kick your ass.
You're going to kick my ass? Yes.
Right, I mean,
I think you misunderstand our height
difference there.
Order me anything. Yep.
Actually, can you order me a bacon
butty? Thank you. Mm-hm.
What are you doing? I don't want
Tom to think I'm freaking out.
Are you freaking out?
Of course I'm freaking out.
What do you... What does that mean?
Obviously.
I've actually always wanted to come
to this place.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. Why's that?
I'm not sure.
I know what this is.
This is your Saturn returning.
Shut up. Saturn's returning.
Your Saturn's returning.
It's back, baby,
and it is fucking shit up.
Just, ah... OK, now, listen to me.
No.
This is going to be the hardest year
of your life, without question,
and I'm going to be there
with you every step of the way.
No. Yes. Fuck yes. Oh, my God.
Come on, we got this. We don't got
this. We don't... What are you
talking...?
Saturn returning is not a thing.
It's a huge thing. What is Saturn?
Where is it returning to? I don't
know what you're talking about.
Do you think they're OK?
Ah...
You know how girls love to gab.
Right, yeah.
I'm not... I'm not sexist.
No, it didn't, it didn't sound like
that, don't worry.
This is not Tom's fault. Yes, it is.
Yes, OK, technically it
is Tom's fault,
but I don't want him to know that.
Look, you don't have to stay.
You can still go.
But what... No, no, no, I want to
stay, that's why I stayed.
I'm staying. I'm stayed. OK.
JESSIE SIGHS
OK. Good.
Do you think part of you decided
to stay because of me?
Hand on heart? Yeah.
Not really, no. Fair enough.
So, you and Jessie, eh? Big news?
Big day?
Yeah, I guess. She stayed in the
country just for you.
I mean, that's things moving
fast, right?
Well, I dunno about that,
it was kind of a...
Jessie's got one of those
faces, right? Sorry?
You know, Helen of Troy, the face
that launched a thousand ships.
The face that grounded
a thousand planes in your case.
Right, yeah. Seriously, if you're
thinking of buying the, uh...
I know a guy who can. Hey!
Hi. Ooh. Sorry about that.
Girl talk. Everything OK?
Mmm. Yeah. No, no,
I'm fine, just a bit sleepy.
So, what are we doing now?
Are we going back to ours?
Do you want to? Uh, no, we have
plans. We have...
..plans.
SHE LAUGHS WILDLY
Yes. Oh!
Yes! Oh!
Amateur.
Where did you learn how to drive?
Don't you have a job?
Oh, disrespectful.
I'm trying to improve your game,
dude.
Children these days. Oh, hello.
There you go. Eee. Wow. Black
and white, fancy.
What?
SHE SCOFFS
You look kind of worried.
Really?
Sort of. Do you...not...
Little crinkle,
little crinkle there.
No, I don't.
You know you don't have
to spend all day with me.
I can entertain myself.
Yeah, I know.
Are you having fun? Yeah. Yes.
Where do you want to go next?
Uh, this one, I think.
I think I might...
I think I might waste you at this.
Oh, OK, she's talking a big game,
let's go.
Yeah...Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, ready? One. Oh. Ahh.
Ahh. Ah, yes. Grr.
Ha-ha. Oh, no. Ahh.
Hey, you'd tell me if you wanted
to go home, right?
Why would I want to go home?
I've got lots to do here.
Errands to run,
loose ends to tie up.
I think we should have sex again
at some point.
I'm being serious.
Why would you ask me that?
I just wanted to make sure you knew
you didn't have to stay.
I know.
Cool, cos...
..I got you something.
Oh... Oh, is it a nude?
Because I could ruin your life
with this. It's very...
What is this?
It's a plane ticket home.
For who?
You totally don't have to use it,
it's just an option.
So when did you do this?
I bought it while your hand was
stuck in the air hockey machine.
OK.
All right, well, thanks.
It's just a joke, it wasn't supposed
to be, like, a serious thing.
You know, if you wanted me
to leave you could just ask.
You know, you could just tell me.
No, I...
Tom Kapoor? Hi. Have we...?
I love you, man.
That's great. I've actually got...
This is fate. Can I get a photo?
Yeah, course. Yeah?
Do you want to...? Yeah.
GAME: Nice!
Epic.
Epic.
I don't want you to leave. Yeah.
But I don't want you
to feel like you can't leave.
I want you to stay, that's the whole
point. That's epic.
Then why would you buy
a fucking plane ticket then?
Well, I was trying to be romantic.
Is it romantic if you're sending
your date to literally
the other side of the planet?
Obviously, I was hoping you wouldn't
use it. Oh, right, so you bought me
a plane ticket in
the hopes that I wouldn't use it?
Yes, but don't make it sound bad.
You are totally putting off me off
my rhythm, could you please move?
Jesus. Look, it's not a big deal,
just forget it.
OK. It is a big deal, though,
because that's a lot of money,
that's a lot of money to me.
Well, do you want me
to just give you the money, then?
No, I don't want your money.
I'm sorry. Richie Rich.
That was just a stupid thing to say.
What are you talking about?
It's disgusting. Game over.
Hey, and, and look, OK, game over.
Great, so that's,
so that's my worst game, ever.
So thank you. Thank you for that
and thank you for your generous,
generous offer.
Look, it was supposed to be
a nice thing.
I've spent literally the whole day
trying to make you feel OK.
I shouldn't even be here, I'm
supposed to be Ireland right now.
We're all supposed
to bloody be somewhere, mate.
Look, I'm going to go to
Magic Mike, Live,
and I don't think you should come.
Well, I never wanted to come.
Well, you clearly have no taste.
Fine. Fine.
Can you be the one to leave, though,
because I want to play that pinball
machine over there, so maybe...?
You're being ridiculous. I'm being
ri...
Right now, you, you're being
ridiculous.
Mum. Hi.
SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
No, no, I'm fine, I... No, obviously
I'm not ringing from the plane.
I... Yeah, don't freak out, uh,
because what I'm about to tell you
is quite funny if you...
Yeah, I did, but I... I will pay you
back, that's the thing.
Of course I'll pay you back.
Well, I dunno, we can set up, like,
a payment plan or something?
I don't know.
Can you please not yell at me?
It's just...
Yeah. I know. I know.
I know you changed the sheets.
CHEERING
ANNOUNCER: Ladies,
get your drinks and your dollars,
the sexiest night
of your life will begin again soon.
LINE RINGS
Hello.
TOM OVER MOBILE: Are you enjoying
the show? Yeah...
Yeah, I am, I'm loving it.
These boys are really talented.
How much did the T-shirt cost?
£22.
That's a lot of money.
Yeah, I had to use my credit card.
Hi, I'm Tom. I'm 25.
25?
I love the Star Wars prequels,
and I barely remember Y2K.
Nice to meet you, Tom.
I'm sorry I booked you
a plane ticket home.
I'm sorry I have been having a
moderate nervous breakdown
for 12 hours.
Don't apologise, it's been
thrilling.
Have I ruined your life?
No.
I wouldn't worry about that,
I have been ruining my own life
for, like, years now.
Is it weird that I stayed?
No.
Do you regret staying?
No.
Good.
C'est la vie, you know?
As the French say. Life is short.
Life is short and long.
Life is short and long.
Life is simultaneously very short
and very long.
That's profound stuff.
Oh, you've got to stay for
the second half. I can't.
Why not? I have a flight. What for?
Work. Work? That's...
I wouldn't call it work.
You know what is work? Dancing for
an hour and a half
ten times a week, giving it 100%
every single time. That is work.
Why don't you come with me?
You could book your own flight
this time.
No.
Why not?
I have to see what happens
to Mike.
Oh, so there's a narrative?
If you follow it closely enough
there is.
It's really amazing because
it's a journey,
you know what I mean? Hmm. They
don't even take many of their
clothes off, it's actually more what
they do with sort of
the expectation of it, you know?
I'll call you when I land.
OK.
Have a good flight. Thank you.
I'm glad you stayed.
Me too.
CHEERING
of a sexual nature and contains
strong language
You don't have to kiss me
or anything.
Genuinely didn't cross my mind.
Hmm!
Shall we split this or should I, I
put some money into your account
or...?
No, it's fine, don't worry.
He's a famous actor
and you're a little rat nobody.
Loved you in The Avengers.
I wasn't in that.
Harsh, but it's true.
THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH
Oh, my God,
stop trying to win at kissing.
Um, can you stop trying
to win at kissing?
There is a reason actors date
other actors.
Dating someone like you will most
likely ruin a girl's life forever.
It's just the cleaner. Yeah, sorry.
Wow, you're a true romantic, Cath.
It's like one of those weird animal
friendship shows where you see
a Labrador and a hedgehog
who are friends. Yeah, people don't
think that.
Obviously you would say that,
you're the fucking Labrador.
Ow. I'm busting my arse to stay in
a city I'm not even from.
It's not like I have any family
here either.
I don't have a person.
I think I have to go home.
Come to Ireland with me.
Come to New Zealand with me.
No, don't leave. Stay here.
I can't. So what do we do?
Dunno. Be friends? Cheers, pal.
You're welcome, friend.
OVER TANNOY: Next stop is Charing
Cross Station,
change here for services to
Heathrow, terminals one,
two and three.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I dunno what
to do. Oh. What can I do?
No, no, no, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine.
It's so much money, isn't it? So
much money and I had a whole plan,
I had it planned out,
all right? I had the window seat,
I booked two window seats
for both the flights
and a gluten-free meal.
A gluten-free meal cos I don't
even eat gluten-free
but I-I-I know that they come out
first and I was going
to watch Dunkirk
and so now I guess I'll just never
watch Dunkirk now. We can watch
Dunkirk.
On the ground? In a house?
Don't be ridiculous, man. Jeez.
Oh, God. It's just, it's just,
I don't really...
I've never done this,
I've never done this before.
Do you want to see if you can still
make it? Do you think I should?
No. No, no, because me neither,
me neither cos I think it's good
and I made a decision
and it's fine and I'm an adult
and I'm sticking with it.
I can make decisions cos I...
..I am in control of my destiny,
and this is... It's just
a crazy decision that I made.
Is this a crazy decision? Yes.
I knew it. I so knew it.
But I'm glad you made it.
Stop me from doing something crazy.
An airport chase would've been
horrible.
You know I have a bad knee. Yeah.
You shouldn't run on a bad knee.
So, let's just...
Oh, God. Let's just... Yeah?
..take things one step at a time.
OK. Take it slow.
Slow. Yeah, slow. I can do slow.
Let's get some breakfast. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, good.
Great. Thank you.
OK? Great. No. Slow, it's fine.
SHE EXHALES
That's it.
Where are my bags?
Where are my bags?
Ahh. Where did you put my bags?
Uh, OK, we... Oh, no.
We probably... No, no, no, it's OK.
No, no, no. No, no, no, don't.
Where's the bus? Where's it going?
Where are you going?
The bus went that way. I don't
know... That way. OK, fine!
Hey... Hey, stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Please, stop. Stop.
Whoo, thank God.
Ooh. Ahh. Thank you. Ahh. Ha.
Thank you!
I've never seen anyone move... I'm
not a natural runner,
I've got flat feet. You were like
a penguin, I dunno.
Can you believe no-one stole my bag?
Yeah. What? They're good bags.
Oh, no, no, no, it's my...
No, no. No, no, it's my...
I said I was going to get this.
No, it's our first date, let me pay.
Ooh... Ooh. OK.
Thanks, guys. Thank you.
Is this what people usually do on
a first date?
You've never been on
a first date before? No.
I actually prefer just
to bump into someone, like,
a number of times over
the course of a year
and then just not get on a
plane for them. Long con.
Well, usually you make small talk
and they get to know each other.
OK...OK. All right, well, hello.
Hi. My name is Jessie,
I am 21 years old.
21? Yes, don't ask, uh, for any ID
but I don't remember 9/11.
OK. Um, are your parents mad that
you've run off with an older man?
No.
Are you going to call them? Um,
yeah. No, I mean, it's just probably
late there, so I'll ring them in the
morning, but, yeah, it'll be good.
It'll be fine.
They'll be fine with it.
I mean, they paid for the tickets
so maybe they'll be annoyed.
Little bit annoyed, but no,
they'll be good.
They'll be, they'll be good.
They'll get it.
I mean, Mum did change the sheets in
the spare room, so, weirdly,
that is a thing she would probably
get weirdly mad about,
but, no, she, yeah, oh, yeah,
they'll be good.
They'll be good.
So, what do you want to do? Do you
want to go back to your flat?
Uh, no.
You want to come back to mine?
Um, ah...
I... No, because I mean I'm...I'm
just having a good time being out
and out and about in London.
Like, how often do you find yourself
in the middle of London?
Quite often. I just... I think we
should just keep doing something,
like, let's just do something fun.
We'll do something fun.
Swinging London, baby.
Like, we could just do something
and just keep moving forward
and I think if we keep moving
forward this is all just going
to feel a bit more normal cos I'm
feeling a bit...
Bit, yeah. OK. Yeah, sure. Yeah,
yeah? Let's move. Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, what the fuck?
Why are we back on a bus?
You wanted to go sightseeing.
Oh, God. I didn't want to go on
a... God!
Ahh!
First time in London.
Why aren't you ringing me from
a fucking plane to Ireland?
Yeah, look, something's come up.
I don't think I'm going to be able
to make it.
Where the fuck are you?
I'm coming to get you.
No, no, don't do that.
Yeah, no, I am.
Drop me a fucking pin, darling.
Drop the pin.
Everything's fine. Drop it!
Don't smile. Really?
Yes.
But you're going to draw me
smiling in the...
Cos I'd... I'd like to look happy
in any way.
That's, like, a request.
Oh, wow. Yeah, don't
look straight at me, please.
Sorry.
They're fantastic. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my...
Don't smile, hands down. OK.
Look at me. Don't look at this.
Oh, my God. Don't.
Oh, my God. Do you know him?
Look, I'm really sorry, it's just
not a good time. There's a lot of...
You wanted to make this pretentious
film, I wanted to make some money.
I want to do the film,
of course I do.
You know this is bullying?
This is workplace bullying.
Can't I just go first thing
tomorrow? No.
Well, something's come up and I'm
not going to be able to make
that flight.
I'm feeling very stressed!
I love you.
What do you think? Nice.
Yeah, you like it?
Did you ask to be on a jet ski?
No, that was the artist's
own choice, but I do like it.
Oh, also, he hooked me up with
the tickets to Magic Mike Live.
It's sick. A ticket scalper
and a caricature artist.
Yeah, very multi-talented.
Who was that on the phone?
Ah, no-one, just work.
Is everything OK? Yeah, all good.
So you're taking me to dinner
and a show? No dinner, just a show.
I've spent the last of my money on
this, so I better see some titties.
Uh, gross. No, it's not gross if
it's men's titties,
it's actually OK.
Oh, really, is that the rule now?
Hey. Hey! Uh-oh.
Your bags. Oh. Ah, sorry. Sorry.
Don't...
Yeah, sorry.
Do you have a key?
No.
Is Kate in?
No, she'll be at work.
So it's probably for the best.
Do you have a spare key?
Yeah. I just...
..don't know where it is.
OK.
Ooh.
Is it this one?
Oh, yeah, that's it. There you go.
Was that just there? Yeah, huh.
Home, sweet home. Oh, God. Bang one
here. Yeah, just bring it through.
Through there? Yeah. Are you all
right there?
Oh, Jesus.
SCREAMS: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God. Oh, where you going?
Come back here!
Oh, my back. Ooh. Are you OK?
Ow...Ow. Ah.
I just need to say it was my idea
not Kate's. What is wrong with you?
You were supposed to be at work.
You were supposed to be on a plane,
flying out of my life forever.
I've spent the entire morning
grieving.
Oh, is that what we walked in on,
is it?
Oh, my God.
Your mum is going to kill you.
You probably should tell her
soon, shouldn't you?
I should fucking think so.
No offence, Tom.
Can we take this outside?
Yeah. Yeah, let's take this outside
cos I'm going to kick your ass.
You're going to kick my ass? Yes.
Right, I mean,
I think you misunderstand our height
difference there.
Order me anything. Yep.
Actually, can you order me a bacon
butty? Thank you. Mm-hm.
What are you doing? I don't want
Tom to think I'm freaking out.
Are you freaking out?
Of course I'm freaking out.
What do you... What does that mean?
Obviously.
I've actually always wanted to come
to this place.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. Why's that?
I'm not sure.
I know what this is.
This is your Saturn returning.
Shut up. Saturn's returning.
Your Saturn's returning.
It's back, baby,
and it is fucking shit up.
Just, ah... OK, now, listen to me.
No.
This is going to be the hardest year
of your life, without question,
and I'm going to be there
with you every step of the way.
No. Yes. Fuck yes. Oh, my God.
Come on, we got this. We don't got
this. We don't... What are you
talking...?
Saturn returning is not a thing.
It's a huge thing. What is Saturn?
Where is it returning to? I don't
know what you're talking about.
Do you think they're OK?
Ah...
You know how girls love to gab.
Right, yeah.
I'm not... I'm not sexist.
No, it didn't, it didn't sound like
that, don't worry.
This is not Tom's fault. Yes, it is.
Yes, OK, technically it
is Tom's fault,
but I don't want him to know that.
Look, you don't have to stay.
You can still go.
But what... No, no, no, I want to
stay, that's why I stayed.
I'm staying. I'm stayed. OK.
JESSIE SIGHS
OK. Good.
Do you think part of you decided
to stay because of me?
Hand on heart? Yeah.
Not really, no. Fair enough.
So, you and Jessie, eh? Big news?
Big day?
Yeah, I guess. She stayed in the
country just for you.
I mean, that's things moving
fast, right?
Well, I dunno about that,
it was kind of a...
Jessie's got one of those
faces, right? Sorry?
You know, Helen of Troy, the face
that launched a thousand ships.
The face that grounded
a thousand planes in your case.
Right, yeah. Seriously, if you're
thinking of buying the, uh...
I know a guy who can. Hey!
Hi. Ooh. Sorry about that.
Girl talk. Everything OK?
Mmm. Yeah. No, no,
I'm fine, just a bit sleepy.
So, what are we doing now?
Are we going back to ours?
Do you want to? Uh, no, we have
plans. We have...
..plans.
SHE LAUGHS WILDLY
Yes. Oh!
Yes! Oh!
Amateur.
Where did you learn how to drive?
Don't you have a job?
Oh, disrespectful.
I'm trying to improve your game,
dude.
Children these days. Oh, hello.
There you go. Eee. Wow. Black
and white, fancy.
What?
SHE SCOFFS
You look kind of worried.
Really?
Sort of. Do you...not...
Little crinkle,
little crinkle there.
No, I don't.
You know you don't have
to spend all day with me.
I can entertain myself.
Yeah, I know.
Are you having fun? Yeah. Yes.
Where do you want to go next?
Uh, this one, I think.
I think I might...
I think I might waste you at this.
Oh, OK, she's talking a big game,
let's go.
Yeah...Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, ready? One. Oh. Ahh.
Ahh. Ah, yes. Grr.
Ha-ha. Oh, no. Ahh.
Hey, you'd tell me if you wanted
to go home, right?
Why would I want to go home?
I've got lots to do here.
Errands to run,
loose ends to tie up.
I think we should have sex again
at some point.
I'm being serious.
Why would you ask me that?
I just wanted to make sure you knew
you didn't have to stay.
I know.
Cool, cos...
..I got you something.
Oh... Oh, is it a nude?
Because I could ruin your life
with this. It's very...
What is this?
It's a plane ticket home.
For who?
You totally don't have to use it,
it's just an option.
So when did you do this?
I bought it while your hand was
stuck in the air hockey machine.
OK.
All right, well, thanks.
It's just a joke, it wasn't supposed
to be, like, a serious thing.
You know, if you wanted me
to leave you could just ask.
You know, you could just tell me.
No, I...
Tom Kapoor? Hi. Have we...?
I love you, man.
That's great. I've actually got...
This is fate. Can I get a photo?
Yeah, course. Yeah?
Do you want to...? Yeah.
GAME: Nice!
Epic.
Epic.
I don't want you to leave. Yeah.
But I don't want you
to feel like you can't leave.
I want you to stay, that's the whole
point. That's epic.
Then why would you buy
a fucking plane ticket then?
Well, I was trying to be romantic.
Is it romantic if you're sending
your date to literally
the other side of the planet?
Obviously, I was hoping you wouldn't
use it. Oh, right, so you bought me
a plane ticket in
the hopes that I wouldn't use it?
Yes, but don't make it sound bad.
You are totally putting off me off
my rhythm, could you please move?
Jesus. Look, it's not a big deal,
just forget it.
OK. It is a big deal, though,
because that's a lot of money,
that's a lot of money to me.
Well, do you want me
to just give you the money, then?
No, I don't want your money.
I'm sorry. Richie Rich.
That was just a stupid thing to say.
What are you talking about?
It's disgusting. Game over.
Hey, and, and look, OK, game over.
Great, so that's,
so that's my worst game, ever.
So thank you. Thank you for that
and thank you for your generous,
generous offer.
Look, it was supposed to be
a nice thing.
I've spent literally the whole day
trying to make you feel OK.
I shouldn't even be here, I'm
supposed to be Ireland right now.
We're all supposed
to bloody be somewhere, mate.
Look, I'm going to go to
Magic Mike, Live,
and I don't think you should come.
Well, I never wanted to come.
Well, you clearly have no taste.
Fine. Fine.
Can you be the one to leave, though,
because I want to play that pinball
machine over there, so maybe...?
You're being ridiculous. I'm being
ri...
Right now, you, you're being
ridiculous.
Mum. Hi.
SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
No, no, I'm fine, I... No, obviously
I'm not ringing from the plane.
I... Yeah, don't freak out, uh,
because what I'm about to tell you
is quite funny if you...
Yeah, I did, but I... I will pay you
back, that's the thing.
Of course I'll pay you back.
Well, I dunno, we can set up, like,
a payment plan or something?
I don't know.
Can you please not yell at me?
It's just...
Yeah. I know. I know.
I know you changed the sheets.
CHEERING
ANNOUNCER: Ladies,
get your drinks and your dollars,
the sexiest night
of your life will begin again soon.
LINE RINGS
Hello.
TOM OVER MOBILE: Are you enjoying
the show? Yeah...
Yeah, I am, I'm loving it.
These boys are really talented.
How much did the T-shirt cost?
£22.
That's a lot of money.
Yeah, I had to use my credit card.
Hi, I'm Tom. I'm 25.
25?
I love the Star Wars prequels,
and I barely remember Y2K.
Nice to meet you, Tom.
I'm sorry I booked you
a plane ticket home.
I'm sorry I have been having a
moderate nervous breakdown
for 12 hours.
Don't apologise, it's been
thrilling.
Have I ruined your life?
No.
I wouldn't worry about that,
I have been ruining my own life
for, like, years now.
Is it weird that I stayed?
No.
Do you regret staying?
No.
Good.
C'est la vie, you know?
As the French say. Life is short.
Life is short and long.
Life is short and long.
Life is simultaneously very short
and very long.
That's profound stuff.
Oh, you've got to stay for
the second half. I can't.
Why not? I have a flight. What for?
Work. Work? That's...
I wouldn't call it work.
You know what is work? Dancing for
an hour and a half
ten times a week, giving it 100%
every single time. That is work.
Why don't you come with me?
You could book your own flight
this time.
No.
Why not?
I have to see what happens
to Mike.
Oh, so there's a narrative?
If you follow it closely enough
there is.
It's really amazing because
it's a journey,
you know what I mean? Hmm. They
don't even take many of their
clothes off, it's actually more what
they do with sort of
the expectation of it, you know?
I'll call you when I land.
OK.
Have a good flight. Thank you.
I'm glad you stayed.
Me too.
CHEERING