Starsky and Hutch (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 21 - Starsky vs. Hutch - full transcript

Starsky and Hutch are dating the same undercover policewoman while all three try to catch a dance hall killer.


Bonsoir, Monsieur Joey.

How you doing?

What is it going to be tonight?

Backgammon or pool?

Oh, we'll see.

Ah, well, have a good
time, mon petit chou.

Don't I always?

Ooh-la-la-la-la. No, no.

It sure is nice to see
a new face in here.

You know what?

I'll bet you become a regular.

W-we're like good friends here.


Would you like to be my friend?

I-I'll... I'll bet
you had a fight

with your wife or something.

Good-looking guy
like you coming in here.


Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, when you're gonna
make a big move, Valentino,

let a girl know.

Um. Hey, look, uh, you okay?


Look, um. Ahem.

This here ought
to cover it, huh?


Thanks, sport.

Yeah, okay.

What are you two laughing about?

Oh, you had to be there.

Well, I'm here now.

Well, you're a little
late with a little too little.

That's about as
funny as a flat tire.

I say we show the
crowd how to dance.

Well, um, the customer has
to punch out and pay first.

Well, I'd love to do that
except all I got here is a 10 spot.

Here. Go buy yourself
something pretty with the change.

Big spender with my money.

I'll be right back.

So, what's eating you?

Why do you think Dobey
assigned Kira to this case?

Because she's a better
dancer than Dobey.

Aside from how
she's a perfect decoy

for whoever's killing
the girls from this place.

Why don't you tell me something
I don't already know, Sherlock?

We're supposed to be undercover.

For you to hang out steady
with one of two blonds

will blow the whole thing.

You're right, you know that?

I've been a little careless.

Maybe I ought to make
like a customer and split.

I believe you said
you wanted to dance.

Riddle. What?

What has two eyes, two
arms and is crazy about you?

I give up.

I wish you would.

I rolled a seven.

A four and a three.

Uh-huh. Go.

Your move.

Your... All right.

My move.


Damn door. Ah.

And if you want to tip the girl,

it is permitted, if you
know what I mean.


Bye. Bye.

You should be through
in about 10 minutes.

I'll follow you home.

Oh, I already
gave Hutch the key.


Well, he told me that
that was his assignment.

Isn't that right?

No, he's supposed to
guard Susan tonight.

Oh. Huh.

Lucky Susan.


You're not angry, are you?


You sure?


Okay. Tomorrow.

Hey, got a light?

Where are you going?

I'm going home.
What's it to you?

I got a better idea, woman.


Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!


Hey, pal. Tell me
what's going on.

Police. You tell me,
huh? Spread them out!


Look, I didn't do nothing.

I was just out walking
my dog, you know?

It's the middle of the night.

I only live about three... Three
blocks away over on Adams.

358 North Adams, huh?

Yeah, I didn't do nothing.

You all right?
Yeah, I'll survive.

Look, lady, I'm sorry.

I did a spur of the
moment thing, you know?

Honest. I'm... I'm a good
guy. I didn't mean nothing.

I-I-I... I got a... I live
over here on Adams.

I got a wife and
two rotten kids.

Like father, like son, huh?

Give me a break.

I promise you, you'll
never see me again.

No way. Never, huh?

Never. Never.

All right, Mr. Arnold
from 358 North Adams.

If I ever catch you around
this place doing anything nasty,

so help me, I'll
feed you to your dog.

Now both of you get out of here.

Get outta here.

Okay, okay. Come on. Come on.

Uh, excuse me.

Can I have my wallet back?

Pretty tough, huh?

What happened
to your other boot?

What boot?

For a minute there I
thought we almost had him.


Just another
oversexed family man.

Oh, don't do that.

Why not?

Well, there's two reasons.
One, uh, our killer may be back.

And two, um, I
wouldn't want him to see

my big, bruising shadow
in front of the window.

Oh, yeah?

What's the other reason other
than the big, bruising shadow?

What exactly did
that guy say to you?


Really? Yeah.

I... Well, he told
me to say this:


I told you he was oversexed.

I'll be...

I know you will be.


Um, Starsky told me
you were supposed to be

escorting Susan tonight.

Susan who? Susan?
What's a Starsky? Huh?

You're terrible. Well, maybe.

But I got a great
imagination too.

And I got a great idea.

Oh, yeah? For who?

For us.

Oh, really?

Oh, that...

Oh, that's awful.
Oh, that's just terrible.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, that is terrible.


Oh, boy. You look like you
could use a fresh cup. Here.

Thanks, Minnie.

Got the late shift, huh?

No. I just can't seem to
keep away from you, Starsky.


How's it coming? Lousy.

Don't worry, honey. You
guys'll catch that freak.

We'd better.

They're gonna run out of
blonds at that dance hall.

You taking good care of
that gorgeous blond sergeant?

Kira? Yeah.

Well, what are you
doing here, then?

I thought she's our pigeon.

Well, Hutch has got
her covered tonight.

I'll bet he has.

What's that supposed to mean?


Mother Minnie must have
struck the missing chord.

You carrying a torch, Starsk?

That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.

Ain't it.

This coffee stinks.

Don't it.

See you around, Minnie.

Hey, Starsk. What?

This for real, this
thing with Kira?

Or are you just playing?

Good night, Minnie.


I guess that answers
that question.

That's right.

The devil is a lady from Nam...

with a blond wig...

and a bright red smile.

Two drinks later, she
tries to grab you in bed...

pumping you for info.

Come morning...

you wake up...

with a shiv in your back...

looking up at that
same bright red smile.


and gone to hell.

Keep smiling, girls.

Now it's your turn.

Hey, Starsk.

What are you doing here?
Susan kick you outta the house?

You got any idea
what time it is?

What? We got an
appointment or something?


We gotta talk.

Yeah, what about?
Want some coffee?


About this assignment.

What about it? Got a
new lead or something?

No. Nothing like that.

Then what are doing
sleeping here at the house?

Couldn't you find your way home?

Look, there's something I
wanna clear up with you.

Yeah, sure. Clear away.

It's about your actions.

What about my actions?

We're supposed to be
covering this dance hall

where a guy's wiping out girls.


Well, you're not
letting him get close

to the undercover agent
who is our number-one pigeon.

Oh, that's what this is about?

Yeah. He's still on the loose.

You're playing
on a killer's time.

I'm not playing
on a killer's time.

I was over at Kira's
house last night,

with my eyes wide
open, on the job.

You're not supposed
to be at Kira's apartment.

I see. You go out with her for
a week, you think you own her?

One month. But
that's not the point.

Now that you brought it up,

you're supposed to
be at Susan's house.

We had an agreement
which you ignored,

and that is just
not professional.

Don't talk about unprofessional.
Don't give me that jive.

You can't stand competition.
Competition? I welcome it.

Under normal circumstances,
I'd wipe the floor with you.

You're getting green
behind the gills.

Lookit, buddy.

We got a murder assignment.

Now, either you follow
rules of the assignment

or you go find yourself
another assignment.

Yeah, sure.


Is anyone there?

Is there somebody here?

I know you're
upset, Mrs. Bouvet.

Madame Bouvet.
And I am not upset.

The word is frightened.

In the last six months,

two of my girls have
been killed already.

And now, apparently,
someone knows

that your Sergeant Kira is,
what do you say, under bed.


Undercover, under bed.

What are we going to do?



captain, uh...

Whoever wrote this note
probably doesn't know

that Kira's under bed... Cover.

Who else could they be
referring to as the spy?

I don't know. Maybe
me, maybe Starsky.

"The spy will dye." D-Y-E.
Well, what does that tell you?

That tells me that the
killer's a bad speller.

No kidding.

And while we're
playing with words,

he's running around loose.

Yes, and I...

I am losing my business.

Now, you don't seem
to understand that men

like to dance with the blond.

And now I only have
two showing on the floor.

One, Susan, is too stupid to
quit and the other one is a cop.

Now, what are we going to
do about saving my business?

Madame Bouvet, we already
have three people undercover,

and that's doing something.

Well, it obviously
is not enough. Huh!


We'll take care of it.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

It's a good thing I only
took a year of French.

Turn around. A
little to the right.

Okay. Right there.

Okay. Okay, plate.


Okay. Turn back around.

I hope you're holding that
hammer really securely.

Okay, to the
right. To the right.

How are you
doing? Oh, fantastic.

Hammer. Hammer.

Just back up. Okay. Back up.
- I can't see.

Scoot a little
forward. Now look.

I can't get my head back.

Okay, put me down,
put me down, then.

Move away. Moving away.

Put me down, come
on. Put me down.

Going down.


Oh, God.

I hope I don't have
to do that again.

So, what do you think?

I have a question.



How do you eat off of it?

You don't.

You're still mad
about last night,

aren't you?



I got over the possessive
stage years ago.

I figure after eight
years on the street,

you learn to take
things as they come.

Mm. Oh, so you're a realist now.

I figure you come into this
life alone and you go out alone.

In between, you just try

to experience everything
as it comes. Expect nothing.

Don't take anything
too seriously.


If I believed that
for one moment,

do you think I'd be
here with you now?

Right now? Really?

Why are you?

Because behind that
silly smokescreen of yours,

behind that tough-talking,
hard-boiled armor,

you put up for the rest of the
world, I see something else.

Like what?

Like a heart that's
so filled with love

it just lights up
this entire room.

Listen, I got no
use for these vets

who feel sorry for
themselves, you know?

Me, I got a 50
percent disability

which pays for all the goodies,

plus I get a chance
to hang out and play.

What more would a man want?

You got a good attitude, Joey.
You got a real good attitude.

One, two, three.

Excuse me.

Here you go, Marlene.

Who won, Joey?

Who do you think?

Ah, sure.

You wanna play some pool?

I'd love to.

Oh, you have to punch in.

The way I see it we're
all on duty here tonight.

I think we should resist the
urge to hang out together.

Who put you in charge? Huh?

I got the card punched and I
figure to get my money's worth.

Let's dance, you.

Let's just get this straight.

I'm assigned to Kira tonight

and you're assigned
to Susan, all right?

That's the assignment.

Mm-hm. Good.

Never seen this
side of you before.

You mean efficient cop?

No, the stuffed shirt.

Just keep your
mitts off, Starsky.

Six-foot-two, eyes of blue.

Come on. Come on, already.

I gotta go to work
in the morning, huh?

Ease up, Richie.
It's been a long night.

Well, it's not
getting any shorter.

You know, I gotta be
up at 6 in the morning.

Six in the morning?

Well, maybe not quite 6.


Tuesday, G-2 to
headquarters, 0200 hours.

Suspect has dyed
black wig, heading north.

Sergeant Webster in pursuit.

G-2 to headquarters, 0300 hours.

Have reason to believe
that spy headquarters

is centered at 10304
South Tremont.

When the sun shines,

shows the true
color of the hair,

and when old husband
Richie goes to work...

so does Sergeant
Webster, Joseph.




Want some coffee?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Grab a cup.

Uh, it's, uh, kind of strong.

It's like the inside of a
tennis shoe, you know.

Well, it'll wake you up.

If it doesn't kill you first.

Now, look, uh,

I just thought we might work
out whatever the problem is.


Well, there's no
problem. Not anymore.

Well, there was yesterday.

I was jealous.

You were... You
were jealous, huh?

You're not jealous anymore?


How come?

I had to deal with how Kira
and I feel about each other.


How's that?

I love her.

You what?

I love her.

She loves you, huh?


She told you that?

Well, not in so many
words, but, uh...

You know what I mean.

Yeah, well, look, I got
some work to catch up on.

I'll hook up with you later.
Thanks for dropping by.

Uh, one second.

Oh, I'll be with
you in a minute.



Why the long face so
early in the morning?

Look, I gotta get
a... I gotta... Uh...

I gotta ask you a question.



I just... I just
don't figure it.

I don't figure you.



Do you love Starsky?

Kira, do you love Starsky?


Well, I guess for a
change, he was right.

I'll be seeing you around.

I love you, too, Hutch.


I love you too.

What are you doing?

What kind of a game
are you playing?

There's no games.
I love you both.

Well, how is that possible?

Because you're two entirely
different human beings,

and I love both of
you in a different way.

Is that so terrible?

I'm trying to compute this
right now, but I can't add it up.

Have you ever made love to
more than one woman in one week?

Really, the truth.

Have you?

Yes, on occasion
I have made love

to more than one
woman in one week...

And really cared for them? What?

And you really liked them? I
mean, you really cared for them?

I don't make love to a
woman unless I like her, okay?

I feel like I'm being tested

for some new sex
survey or something.

Tell me what's going on,

because I'm having a
hard time handling it.

Well, like you, I love two
people at the same time.

Now, I... I... I'm not
quite that liberated.

You know, when I get
down to the nitty-gritty,

down to what love is, I'm
really old-fashioned about that.

I'm a one-man,
one-woman kind of guy.

So you want me to choose
between you and Starsky. Is that it?

Yes, uh... Yes. Oh, I see.

And if I become your one-woman,
does that mean that, uh,

it's a commitment till
death do us part? Is that it?

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm
not talking about that.

I'm... I'm... That's not
what I have in mind.

Exactly. Me neither.
You see, dear Hutch,

you want your cake
but you're afraid to eat it.

Well, I'll give you this much.

You sure know how
to confuse a guy.

Look, Hutch, when I make that
one-man, one-woman commitment,

I will be the most loyal
being on this planet.

But that doesn't mean we
can't share something until then.


W-wait a second. We got...

We got some things to work out.

Look, life's a lot simpler than
you'd like to admit to, okay?

What about Starsky?
We got him to consider.

We already have.

How do you feel?

Full of you.

Your horn works.
Try your lights.

Oh, David.

Hi, uh... Hi.

Where's Hutch?

Hutch? Yeah.

You wanted to
straighten things out, huh?

Clear up the problem.

Starsky, I meant it.

Sure you did. Don't...


What? Hey, hey, hey, Come on.

I came by to see how Kira
feels about things. That's all.

Yeah, how does she
feel, uh? Come on.

Huh? How does she
feel? Huh? Come on.

Come on. What?

Stop it!

Stop it! Would you...?

Stop it!

Stop it!

What are you, crazy?

What's the matter with you guys?

You're acting like kids.

You just can't fight
over me like that

without asking me how I think.

Just get out.

I mean it. Just... Why
don't you just get out.

Get out! I mean it!

G-2 to headquarters, 1100
hours. Suspect returning.

Intend to infiltrate.

Hey, hey. Ain't
you Arlene, ain't it?

Sure. You live around here too?

Hi, you're, uh...?

Joey. Joey from the Golden Lady.

Come on, how could
you forget a vet?

You know I always
thought you were a blond

underneath that wig.

Yeah, well, there's
a reason for that wig.

Uh, listen, I got to get
this stuff in before it melts.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, I... I gotta go home. I
got an important phone call.

Hey, look... No reason I
can't give a lady a hand.


Um, say, how did you
recognize me without my wig?

Oh, I was trained for things
like that in Nam, you know.

You know about that? Do you?
Oh, only what I've seen on TV.


Come on. You know that
I was in G-2 Intelligence

and you want the secrets, right?

Well, thanks, um, uh, Joey.

I'll, uh, see you at
the club, I guess...

Yeah... Oh!

We reached her husband at work.

He's on the way.

You know, it's a shame
you were so preoccupied.

Come off it. Just a
minute, Hutchinson.

What the heck's going on
between you two? Nothing.

That nothing sounds
like something personal.

And I want you to
put it on the shelf

and concentrate on
catching this killer.

All right, captain. She
probably knew the man

because he didn't
have to break in.

He was probably a regular
down at the club, all right?

Then tonight, every
regular gets a shakedown.

What if he isn't there?

We don't even know
what he looks like.

The alternative is
to close the joint up.

In which case Mrs. Bouvet
will be sure to let the press know

that it was the
police who blew it.

And I assure you, both your
names will be spelled correctly.


found this on the
floor by the body.

What do you think
it is? I don't know.

Well, analyze it.

Okay. I'll let you
know tomorrow.

No, no, I want it today.

I can't. I'm off in an hour...

I'll be at the Golden
Lady Ballroom.

You ask for Madame Bouvet.
She'll get me to the phone.

I want to hear from you
tonight. Give me a break.

I want a clear analysis of
that thing and I want it tonight!


Mission accomplished. As usual.

Undetected, sir.


Think you could fool
me, huh? No way.

After two months in the Mekong
Delta with malaria, fungus

and Cong ladies
in dyed blond hair.

Dance hall girls.


It's obvious that the
center of the spy ring

is located at the
Golden Lady Ballroom.

No further choice but
to take ultimate action.

Surveillance no longer required.

Mission: to destroy.



Anybody been acting
strange towards you tonight?

Oh, honey, you're talking
about half the guys in this joint.

I mean, really strange.

Okay, make it three quarters.

I mean, were they devious.

Who's that, Joey?

The Cong, who else?


I wouldn't be surprised

that if all the Vietnamese
who came over here

were looking for me
because I got into the info.

You see, I got it.

The Cong knew.

Hello, Golden Lady,
where the girls...

Yes. Yes, yes, he is.

Oh, would you like
to do one more time?

Uh... You really
dance good, you know.

Well, I...

Carol, go and find
someone else. Go. Go.

Yeah, hello. Hello.

Yeah... What?

You ask any
Vietnamese on the street,

they tell you what
GIs really like.

Blonds had more fun.

Thanks for the dance.

It ain't over yet.

It is for me.

You're hurting my arm, Joey.

That was Hardy.


That, uh, piece of rubber he
found at Arlene's apartment,

he says it's well-worn. Meaning?

Meaning it could have
come from a grocery cart...

Which was in front
of her apartment.

Or a baby carriage, or a
pair of crutches, or a cane tip.


You make one move, honey girl,

and I'm gonna shove
this grenade in your ear.

No blonds in Vietnam,

unless they dyed their hair.

Now I ask you...

Do you dye your hair?

I'm asking you, gook.

Is that your hair
or did you dye it?

Ease off my hand, Joey.

I've got a gun
pointed right at you.

Ease off my hand.

Come on. Go on. Get out.

Get a call out to headquarters!

Find the blond!

The blond over there. Her!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, pal. Just calm down.
Now, we got her covered.

Don't you fake me
out, Ho Chi Minh.

I know what a VC looks like.

Now, get a call
out to headquarters

and you tell them Sergeant
Webster requests assistance.

Take it easy, buddy.

Now, you listen to me, Charlie.

You're not taking me alive.

You see?

We're all going together.

Name, rank and serial number...

Name, rank, serial
number. Webster, Sergeant.

It's gonna be all right, Joey.

What it is, boss?

Give me a beer.

Beer. Set up a daiquiri.

I got a beautiful blond
coming to meet me.



Why don't you get me a beer?

Set up a daiquiri. I got a...

I don't know about you two.



Ask him what he's doing here.

What are you doing here?

Is he the beautiful blond?

Hey. Ask him what
he's doing here.

Well, what are you doing here?

I'm gonna meet someone.

He's gonna meet someone.

Me too.

Him too.

I guess she's gonna choose, huh?

I guess so.

Hey, pal.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to him?

Tell him I'm talking to him.

He's talking to you.

I heard.

Hey, pal. Whatever
happens, I can handle it.

So can I.

So can he.

But who wants to, right?

Oh. I guess this is
the beautiful blond

who's looking for
the two turkeys.

Well, you found them.
But be careful, honey.

They're a little insane today.

Well, you're probably wondering
why I asked you here today.

We know why you asked us
here, and we're not gonna go for it.

They're not gonna go for it.

Not going for what?

We're tired of being
treated like objects.

Having our lives
determined for us by women.

Loved for our bodies

and not for our minds.

After all,

you prick us, doth we not bleed?

That's my line.

Tell him, I'm sorry.

He's sorry.

I heard.

So, what's the solution

to this troublesome
triangle we have here?

We decided if there's
a decision to be made,

we're gonna make it.

And after a long deliberation,
we finally settled it.



No what?