Starsky and Hutch (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 3 - Murder at Sea - full transcript

In this double episode, after a ship's purser is murdered, Starsky and Hutch pose as onboard entertainment directors Hack & Zack to unravel a mystery involving cocaine, the syndicate, and a...

Oh, my God!

Hold it a second, huh?


How's it look?

Pretty messy.

According to the I.D.
found on his body,

his name's Eric Snow.

He was a purser on
that ship over there.

We may have a witness here.

Mr. Harry Percival.

"Lord Harry," please, officer,

of Lord Harry's World
Famous Tattoo Parlor Deluxe

just, uh, down the pier.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

Nope. No.


What did you see?

Well, uh, as I told
that officer over there,

very little, if
anything, I'm afraid.

You see, I was, uh,
tattooing a Liberty Bell

on a young lady's derrière...

Her salute to the American
free enterprise, I believe.

When screeching
tires frightened my kitty,

Sir Winston.

By the time I got to the door,

I caught the barest glimpse
of a woman driving off

in a green sports car.

Can you describe her?

Hmm, young,

blond, and pretty.

Have I told you about
my special for this week?

Purchase a tattoo

of a black widow spider

and I throw in, at
no additional cost,

a lovely red heart

bearing the inscriptions,
"Born to make whoopee."

How's that?



It's too common.

Everybody's got
hearts and spiders.

There doesn't seem
to be anybody on board.

Well, they're probably
all below decks.

Ahoy there!

Anybody on board?

"Ahoy there"?

Oh, Starsky, isn't this great?


Oh, the feel of the
sea under your feet

and that fresh ocean spray

in your face.

Hutch, we're tied
up next to the dock,

nothing's moving under our feet,

and it's a clear day.

Ahoy there!

You know what one
of your problems is?

You got no romanticism
about the sea.

Is that a fact? That's right.

You know, I've been in love

with the sea and with ships

ever since I was
old enough to read.

I was a Sea Scout
when I was a kid.

Hutch, you were born
in Duluth, Minnesota.

It's 1000 miles from any ocean.

It's 1500 miles.

Then how did you
become a Sea Scout?

It wasn't easy.


Pop a duck!



Me too.

Put me down.

Put him down.

Well, let me go.

Let him go. Oh.

Why'd you jump us for?

I thought you were the
guys that jumped me.


What are you talking about?

This tub's sailing
in the morning.

I came on board to get
the gear of a ship's officer

who was killed last night.

Eric Snow.

Yeah. That's right.


Well, I was walking on deck
when someone jumped me,

clobbered me.

When I came to, gear was gone,

and the next thing I know,

you two guys were
walking around on deck.

Look, uh...

What's your name?




Uh, Oxey,

when you were going
through Eric Snow's gear,

did you find anything unusual?

You know, something

that someone might
have wanted bad enough

to, you know, uh...

No. Nothing?

Well, I wasn't
looking for nothing.


Mostly clothes, shaving stuff,

a few kinky books,

but nothing that nobody
was gonna get killed over.

Look, Oxey,

is there anybody around here

we can get some
real information from?

Some background on Eric Snow?

With all that's
gone down so far,

I think you guys better talk
to the commodore himself.

The commodore?

The commodore.

Yeah. The commodore.

Time was, I knew every
man jack aboard her.

Now I don't know

one tenth of the
men on my own ships.


Not like the old days.

Those were the good, old days.

Those were the grand times.

Now, uh, Mr. Eric Snow,

he was a troublesome young man,

and you wanted
to see the record,

the file on him.


Snow wasn't exactly
one of your favorites, huh?

I don't know whom
I despised more,

Mr. Eric Snow for
being what he was

or myself for keeping
him in employ.

Mr. Eric Snow.

He was an arrogant
cheat and a liar,

but he did have one great asset.

He could keep the
Amapola well booked

with plump passengers.

Excuse me, commodore.

There doesn't seem to be

a local address
on Mr. Snow here.

No? Well, there should be.

This was his home port.


Oh, yes.

I told you that Mr. Snow
had one great asset.


Oh, yes, women. Women.

They were his long suit.

Probably some woman ashore
was why didn't feel the need

of having a local
address of his own.

Commodore, there was a
witness who saw a young woman

leaving the scene
of Mr. Snow's murder.

She was in her mid-20s, blond.

Does that ring a bell?


Oh, yes, there
was one such, yes.


Oh, yes, she had...

Booked travel
agencies, you know.

Mostly young people's groups.

What you call swingin' singles.

Yes, here she is.

Moss. An October Moss.

Oh, now, she seems to
have had a change of address.

October Moss.

Any relation to April Showers?

No. December Bride.

Just a minute.


I'm Detective Hutchinson.

This is Detective Starsky.

Are you October Moss?

No, I'm October's
roommate, Helen Carnahan.

October's in the bath.

We don't have to
talk to her in there.

The living room'll be fine.

Come in.

Thank you.

We've never had a visit
from the police before.

Can you tell me what it's about?

Would you tell Miss
Moss we're here?



Hey, listen, if it's about
that, um, traffic ticket, I...

I'm not guilty.

But I sure wouldn't
mind being arrested

by one of you two officers.

Thank you very much,

but that's not why we're here.

It's about a friend
of yours, Eric Snow.


He was murdered last night.


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Would you like to sit down?

We understand you
and Eric were quite close.

Eric and I broke up a
couple of weeks ago.

I guess I knew it
could never last.

He, uh...

He could be such a
violent man at times.

He, uh...

That's why I moved
in with Helen here.


I don't know...

Miss Moss...

I'm sorry to have to
ask you this question

at a time like this...

but there was a woman
matching your general description

who left the scene
of the crime last night.

Her general description?

A lot of girls

fit that.

I fit that description.


Where were you
about 10:00 last night?

I, uh...

I... I...

I guess from about
8 till, uh, midnight,

I was with the...

the, uh, Bayside Singles Club.

I... I was booking about...

about 20 of their
members on a...

on a cruise that...

On Eric's cruise.


If there's nothing else...

Thank you, Miss Moss.

Oh, there is one other thing.

Excuse me.

Where were you last night?

Are you kidding?


You said yourself

that you match the
general description.

I didn't even know Eric Snow,

but if it's that important,
I was here last night.

I watched some TV,
read and went to bed.


That's none of your business.


Thank you.

Thank you.

The Mystifying Rings.

You forgot to say,
"shazam," Hug.

Them rings are kid stuff.

Great escapes is where I'm at.

Help me into this,

and I will show you Huggy,

the Houdini with soul.

Huggy, you said on the phone

you had some information for us

about Eric Snow.

Well, it seems he's a
small-time coke dealer

with a very big mouth.

Cocaine, huh?

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

That would explain
what his killer was after.

Come on.

Got to put it on tight, because
this won't hold me long.

My cousin, Marco
the Magnificent,

taught me this trick.

I'm looking after
his establishment

while he goes to court.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

What's he doing there?

Oh, nothing much.

It seems he was demonstrating
his famous guillotine trick

and cut off some dude's finger.

But when it comes to escapes,

he's perfect.

Ah-ha. You guys ready?

In a second. Anything
else on Snow?

Well, he's been bragging lately

about what a big
deal he's gonna be

after his next
voyage to Me-hi-co.

His next voyage?

You sure you don't
mean his last trip?


Capital N-E-X-T.


You ready?

Hold on, hold on.
We almost got you.

Because when you see this...

it will not hold me long.

Come on, stand
back. Take it, Hug.

Stand back and
I'll be out of this

before you can say,

hocus-pocus, dominicus."

I'm getting it.

You will be amazed!

Starsky, that doesn't
make any sense.

I mean, if Snow
wasn't going to score

until his next voyage,

what was his killer looking for?

You got me.

Let's get out of here, huh?


It's all in muscle
control and timing.

Starsky, what'd you
do to these things?



Shazam! Shazam!

Helen? Helen?

Are you in that bathroom again?

You're gonna turn into a prune.

Come on out and look
what I bought us to eat.

It's terrific.


What's going on out here?

You all right?


Miss Carnahan...

You were here before.


Hutchinson. Ken Hutchinson.

October's dead.

Miss Carnahan...

did you see anything? Anybody?

That poor girl is dead. What
more do you want me to see?

She's dead.

Why did it have to
happen to her? Why?

We don't know that
yet, Miss Carnahan.


whoever killed October
was looking for something.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know what
you're talking about!

She's pretty upset.

Yeah, I guess so.

What did the doc have to say?

Nothing much,

except that he's pretty sure

it's the same guy that did Snow.

Let's get out of here, huh?


What do you mean,
impound the ship?

You're not talking
about a pick-up truck.

That's over 20,000 tons
of ocean-going steel.

Captain, Eric Snow

has been busted three times
for possession of cocaine.

And never convicted.

Come on. Once for possession,
maybe, but three times,

whether those cases
were kicked out or not,

is a pretty big positive.

You really think

he's got something
stashed aboard?

Two people have
been murdered, captain.

Their killer was
after something.

But you said your
informant told you

he wouldn't make his big
score until his next voyage.

Captain, we never said
this case made any sense,

but everything we've got so far

leads back to that ship.

Now, whether that's
a bundle of money

or a stash of cocaine, at
least it's a place to start.

Yeah, I heard that.

All right,

but I still don't think I can
get that ship impounded.

I'll speak to the Port Authority

to see if I can get a
search party aboard.

In the meantime,

I don't want you two
on any other case.

I've got to figure out

something to tell the
mayor and the chief

why I held up the sailing

of a multi-million-dollar ship.

Fruit flies?

Oh, that's terrific, Hug.

Well, it takes time to
perfect the magical arts,

but the results are worth it.

I certainly hope so.

Well, take a look
at this tube, Starsky.

As you can see, it's empty.

You said you had
something for us, Hug.

Well, right after we
discussed the late Eric Snow,

I came across some information
about his ship, the Ama Pola...

The Amapola.

The Amapola, in
connection with another dude,

Patsy Cairo,

who's the syndicate's top
man in its West Coast operation.

Well, he and his old lady,

my sources say,

are sailing today
using the name of Clark.

Mr. and Mrs. Clark.


Pick a card.

Cairo always does business
from inside the family compound.

What would be big enough
to bring him to the outside?

I don't know,

but from what you've said,
it's already killed two people.

Maybe he's on vacation.

Well, all I know is,

Cairo's younger brother, Nicky,

who's one mean cat,

and his brother's bodyguard,

told his travel plans

to a foxy chick,

who whispers in my ear,

so I know my tip is hip.

Your card is the
jack of diamonds.

Seven of spades.

Thanks a lot, Hug.

Oh, by the way,

I'm glad to see you got
out of that straitjacket.

We were afraid we'd have
to call the fire rescue squad.

Hey, there's no bonds made

that can hold
Huggerino the Supremo.

No, I don't like it.

Putting men aboard my
ships as undercover agents

goes against my grain.

Just what is it you
hope to accomplish

by all this?

Commodore, we want the murderers

of Eric Snow and October Moss.

Also, Patsy Cairo.

Commodore, Patsy Cairo's a
man who's hurt a lot of people,

and now, for the
first time in years,

we think he might be
coming out in the open.

You see, commodore,

we think that we
might have lucked

onto the tip of an iceberg.

A narcotics buy so big

that the kingpin himself

has to come out
to make the deal,

and if we can be there,

we can get a
shot at nailing him.

All of this is opinion.


Suppose I do put you
aboard one of my ships

in Mexico,

and you come back to
home port empty-handed?

What then?

Well, at least we'll come
back with terrific tans.

And pottery.


Yeah, uh,

I'm thinking of starting

a hand-painted
collection of pottery.

Captain Dobey, I
like your men here.

What you call... picturesque.

Well, all right.

I'll go along with you,

but you must tell Captain LaRue.

He must be in on
your shenanigans.

Commodore Atwater,

thanks a lot.

We really appreciate it.

Captain Dobey.

Now all we got to think of
is what kind of cover to use.

I got it.

Welcome. Hack 'n' Zack.

Hack 'n' Zack.

Welcome aboard the Amapola.

Welcome aboard.
Name's Hack 'n' Zack.

Day's activities on
the front and back.

Welcome aboard.

Bar's upstairs.
Have a good time.

Ah, well, well, well.
Here's your program.

Mr. Tahakaha...

Takahashi, sir. Takahashi.

I'm a red-blooded American
from Houston, Texas, sir.


What the...?

You don't know Japanese.
What did you say that for?


Can't be too
careful. Welcome, sir.

Well, well, well.
Bayside Singles.

All right.

Don't you have
nice, large signs?

Oh, well, uh, so do you.

Well, thank you very much.

How are you doing?

One for you and one for you.

Which one are you. Hack or Zack?

Whatever turns you on.

Oh, a lot of things turn me on.

Watch it, clown.

Wherever these girls go, I go.

Oh, well, I hope you're prepared

to spend a lot of
time in my stateroom.

All in good fun, sir.

No offense
intended, right, Hack?

I thought I was Zack.

Well, that depends

on which side of the
sign you're on. Oh.

Well, listen, don't
worry about Harv.

He's just upset
because his chick, Kitty,

didn't make the ship.

Oh, that's too bad.

Don't worry, Harv.
It'll all work out.

Visitors will please
leave the ship.

Have a good time, huh?

We will be sailing shortly.

Drinks are served upstairs.

All activities front and back.

Oh, there goes a
nice pair of jeans.

I like the T-shirt.

All ashore that's going ashore.

What? Keep your eyes open.

Why aren't you
keeping your eyes open?

Visitors will please
leave the ship now.

I was helping those
ladies and I couldn't.

You told me to watch...

Listen, don't start with me.

Don't start with you?

Welcome aboard,
sir. Have a nice trip.

Read this.

Look.. What?

Excuse me. I'm Hubert Stuffy,
and... and this is my mother.

Oh, don't be despondent.

It was her last request
when she died last week

that we make this cruise.

It's her 35th,

and when we pass Ensenada,

she becomes
admiral of the fleet.

Oh, we're gonna
have a grand time.

Terrific. Good.

Grand time.

Starsky. Starsky.


Starsky. What?

Starsky, our
friend's here. What?

If I'm not mistaken, that
is Mr. and Mrs. Clark,

otherwise known as Patsy Cairo

and his faithful
bodyguard Nicky,

and that-that-that hooker, Lily.

Welcome aboard the Amapola.

Mr. and Mrs., uh...


Clark. Clark, Clark, Clark.

Clark, Clark. Clark.

We're entertainment
directors on the Amapola.

Clark, Clark, Clark.

Here it is. Here it is.
Mr. and Mrs. Clark.


Clark. Clark.

Where's Stateroom B?

Uh, right down...
Next deck down, sir,

to the right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Have a nice trip.

Drinks are, uh, upstairs.


Look at the handsome devils.

Kind of makes you feel
good, doesn't it, to...?

Oh, I'm Edna Zelinka
from Akron, Ohio.

I'm traveling with my
beautiful, single daughter.

Bertha, where are you?


What happened?

I broke my heel.

Oh, is that incredible?

And she is so light on her feet

for a girl so well-built.

A dancer.

Look at this face.

Oh, is that gorgeous?

It's ravishing.

I'll bet you're Polish.

I'm never wrong

about something like that. Yes?

No. Uh-uh.

You're not? Oh, don't kid me.

Bertha, I think we're
gonna have a crazy time.

Are we in for a treat.

Come along.

I love treats.

Hot stuff.

Bye, hot stuff.

We will be sailing shortly.

Oh, you smooth-talking
devil, you.

I didn't say anything.

I know.

Don't go without me!


welcome aboard, Miss, uh...?



Oh, you dropped...

Oh, I'm sorry. You okay?

Come on. Up you go.

Let go of her!

I've warned you

about fooling around
with these girls.

Harvey Schwab, you're insane.

If I want to be friendly,

I'm allowed.

Now, don't be
strangers, sailors.

See you around the quad, Harv.

All ashore that's going ashore.

Excuse me.

Having a good time?

Welcome aboard. Welcome.

Good evening. Hello.

How you doing?

Hello. Welcome.


You know something?


Except for the torpedo tube

they gave us for a room,

I kind of dig this.

Yeah? Yeah.

Mr. Hack and Mr. Zack, isn't it?


Which is which?

He's Hack. He's Hack.

I'm First Officer Stafford.

How do you do, Stafford?

Mr. Stafford.

You will address me
as "Mr. Stafford" or "Sir."

The captain has made
you my responsibility.

I should warn you now,

I will not tolerate any
boisterousness, drunkenness,


or any activity

that might upset the passengers

or the smooth
operation of this ship.

All of the above.

Aye-aye, sir. Anything else?

The captain sends his greetings,

and requests you
report to his cabin

at two bells.

That's 9:00, Starsk.

I suggest if you've
been drinking,

you suck a mint before
keeping the appointment.

Oh, and I forgot.

There's a young lady
who says she knows you.

Asked you to meet
her in her cabin.


Thank you, sir.

Hey, how's my breath?

You know something?


He was right. About what?

Your breath.

No, no, no, no.

There are only
eight bells in a day.

They go around six times.

What time is it now?

Well, let's take a look.

It's just past eight bells,

going on 1.

Unless, of course,
you're on Zulu time.

Zulu time?

That's the official Navy time,

and if you're on
that, of course,

it's a whole
different bell game.



Helen Carnahan.


The name is Nellie
Brown on this trip.

Come on in.

Come on.

I caught your act

while the passengers
were boarding.

Very, very amusing disguise.

I thought we'd better talk.

Let's just say I have
very good reasons

for wanting to be
Nellie Brown on this trip,

as I'm sure you have yours

for wanting to remain
Hack and Zack.

The point is,

you keep my little secret

and I'll keep yours.

Well, it might not be that easy.

I won't get in your way,

if that's what you're
worried about.

You just stay out of mine.

You were the girl seen
running from Eric Snow's murder.

Yes, but I had
nothing to do with it.


And October Moss?

I'm very sorry about that part.

What is that supposed to mean?

That's all I can tell you.

Well, that's not enough.

Well, that's all
you're gonna get.

Now, listen...

What are you gonna
do, put me in irons?

I've done my homework.

You two are fish out of water.

You have no jurisdiction here.

Good night.

Miss Carnahan.

Nellie Brown.

I think she kind of likes us.

Let's call home.

Get some more
information on that lady.


Oh! Hello again.

Your tie's on backwards.

Come in.

Hack and Zack

reporting as ordered, sir.

Come in, come in.

Close the door.


I'd better tell you up front,

I didn't want you on my ship.

Well, captain,

I think we can understand that.

Don't patronize me.

Here. The final passenger list.

It's about the same

as the one you had before.

312 passengers.

Most of them don't
know each other.

Elderly people,

widows on the prowl,

a singles club.

Pathetic young people

desperately trying to have fun.


Sort of a microcosm
of our society...


Wouldn't you say?

Oh, yes, sir.


Captain, what is our ETA?

Nothing has changed.

We go non-stop to Acapulco.

We'll be there at 1500 hours

the day after tomorrow.

That's 3:00 in the
afternoon, Starsk.

Well, is that all, gentlemen?

Not quite, sir.

A young lady on board

by the name of Nellie Brown.

She's using that
name. Nellie Brown.

Her real name is Helen Carnahan.

We'd like to send a message

to our department
to run a check on her.

Is she a prime suspect?

Well, we know
she's involved, sir.

We just don't
know to what extent.

Then your request is denied.

But, captain, this
is police business

we're talking about.

I am fully aware of that,

but we are also
talking about my ship.

Uh, captain, I don't think

you understand something.

I told you not to patronize me.

If you start making

official police calls
to the mainland,

pretty soon, your
cover is blown,

and the grapevine
has it all over the ship.

Now, as I see it,

you got aboard

talking about murder
and conspiracy.

Yes, sir.

Well, if that's true and
your cover is blown,

the two of you are
going to end up dead.

I don't want that on my ship.

Save your calls for Acapulco.

What you're saying, captain,

is that you don't
trust your crew.

You can take it
any way you want.

Well, then I guess
that'll be all, huh?

Uh, sir.

What's the matter?

You know, all my life,

I've dreamed of living at sea,

what it would be
like to be a captain.

Then I look at these two men,

the captain and the commodore,

and I see how the
sea has left them.

Bitter, disillusioned.

Some mistress.

The sea?


I'm telling you, they're cops.

Their names are
Starsky and Hutch.

Patsy, let me take care of this.

That's what I like
about you, Nicky.

Your solutions to problems

always reflect so much
thought and consideration.

So, what do we do, Patsy?

We wait.

There's over 300
people aboard this ship.

I mean, those cops could
be here for any reason.

And what if it's us?

If it's us...

then I'll let my
little baby brother

have his fun.


Simon says... Simon says...

He says...

He says, "Put
your left hand up."

I didn't say, "Simon
says." I said, "He says."

Sit down, now. Sit
down, and we're out.

Here we go now. Get ready.

Simon says...

Simon says, "Put
your left foot up."

Simon says, "Put
your left foot down."

Simon says, "Put
your left hand up."

Put it down.


Oh, there's another one.

Okay, Simon says,
"Put your left foot up."

Put it down.

Simon says, "Put
your left foot down."

Simon says...

Morning. Zack?

Yeah. Good morning.

Art Jensen, second officer.

Right. Yeah.

What's next on the agenda?

Uh, well, we've got
a scavenger hunt.

Oh, yeah, they always love that.

Oh, hi.

Edna Zelinka from Akron, Ohio.


Say something in Polish.

I don't know Polish.
I'm not Polish.

Oh, who are you kidding? I...

Oh, I got to run.

That Bertha,

she's making a fool of
herself over Simon Says.

She has so much energy.

Simon says, "Put
your left foot up."

Bend over.


Simon didn't say, "Bend over."

Oh, you're not listening.


The, uh...

The older ones are
kind of like children

in a way, you know?

These cruises, they're
their whole lives.

They take as many
as five and six a year.

Whatever their
pocketbooks can afford.

Well, they seem
to like you guys.


You're doing a good job.
Keep up the good work.

Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.

- Put your right foot down.
- It is down.

You said right.
No, no, I said left.

You said right, boy.

No, I said left.

You said right!

You're doing a good job, Starsk.

Real good job.

We'll start again,
okay? Simon...

No, you were cheating.

No, I'm not cheating. Simon...

Hey, come on back,
folks. We just began.


More fun in a couple of minutes!

Do I have to wait that long?



Would you excuse us?

We have a couple of
things we'd like to go over.

So do I.

Yeah, I know.

I was talking to her.


What did you go and do that for?

Did you have to
mess up my action?

Starsky, will you relax?

Relax? You already
got Old Lady Lezinka.

It's not Lezinka.
It's Kazi... It's Ka...

Will you forget it?

Now, how about we talk
about some business?

Yeah? Like what?

Like getting down to
Patsy Cairo's stateroom

before this ship hits Acapulco.


That's not a bad idea.

Well, I just saw
his family and him

up there on the
deck, taking some sun.

I think the timing's right.

Well, let me ask you
something. What?

How do you propose to do
that without getting caught?

You're forgetting

it's time for the
scavenger hunt.


All right, get your lists free.

They're real hot,
they're real ready,

right off the press.

One apiece.

Come on, now. Take it easy.

Read it carefully.

We got everything put away

where you're
never gonna find it.


Folks, has everyone
got one? Okay.

Get the list.

All right, now.

The one who comes back first

with all the things on the list

wins a trophy
suitable for burning.

Keep moving. Keep moving.

All right, are you ready?


Get set.

What a motley group!

Are you ready?


Get set.


Well, here we go. Give me one.

Happy hunting, kimosabe.

Watch out for the masked men.

Parker Hose rolls?

House. House.

Hey. Where is she?

Where's Kitty?

Oh, boy, you got a problem.

You're looking at the wrong guy.

Yeah? Where am
I supposed to look?

Try a mirror.

If you can't help me, I
know somebody who can.

Yeah, and who's that?

Your partner.

Excuse me.


Are my two minutes up yet?


I found the hot-water bottle.

Now all we need is the
beach ball and the cane

and the two Parker House rolls!


Um, let's see. Uh...

Uh, you wouldn't have,

uh, a goatskin rug
in there, maybe?

A nectarine? Assorted toffees?

Some support hose?

Are you kidding?

Get out of here.

What do you think, Marty?

I think we got to make a move.

We have to get into
the captain's office.

There's gonna be
something there, I know it,

that'll tell us why those
two turkeys are on board.

Thank you, thank you...

Keep it up.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Atwater Shipping Lines

takes great pleasure
and great pride

in presenting...


This is our wonderful drummer.

Today, his wife had
a wonderful baby boy.

Would the father please
stand up and take a bow?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd
like to introduce the band.

Now, I know you're
all looking forward

with great pleasure
and anticipation

to the wonderful amateur hour

that we are featuring tonight,

but first,

I think a couple of very
important announcements

are in order.

Most important, tonight,

celebrating 12 years
of wedded bliss...


to Mr. and Mrs. Waldo Pitkin.

12 out of 35. That ain't bad.

And speaking of drunks...

Why not?

The other day, I saw a drunk
put a dime in a parking meter.

He said,

"What do you know?
I weigh an hour."

Sit on it.

Thank you.



Well, I just happened
to notice, sir,

that Mr. and Mrs.
Clark from Stateroom B

were not at their table
for the show tonight.

Indeed? Yeah.

Well, you're not working
on commission, are you?


However, since
you're so interested,

I see that the occupants

of Staterooms C, D, E, and F

are also not in
attendance. Uh-huh.

Seems your theatrical activity
is not greatly appreciated.

Oh, I...

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Sounded good, didn't it?

Mr. Simon is here.

Thank you, Mr., uh, Jensen.

Oh, oh. By the way,

you're not gonna
forget to take care

of that little matter
for me, will you?

Oh, no, sir. Right away.

It's good as done. Thank you.

Well, Marty, it's about time.

I'm sorry. Forgive me. I had
to take care of something.

All right, let's get
the meeting started.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
for your listening pleasure,

Artie Frennel and his
Frantic Five Minus Four.

Take it away, boys.

Thank you.

You got to tell me. Be honest.

You were terrific.

All except for that joke
about the parking meter.

When did you get
that one? From you.

Listen, listen.

Patsy Cairo's still
in his stateroom.

Oh, boy.

We got to get a look in there
before we land tomorrow.

Well, that's the idea.

I got it. What?

His lady is gung-ho
on show business.

Now, what say that
I drag her up here

and get her to do her thing

in the amateur contest?

Maybe she'll drag Cairo
and the rest of them

up here to watch her do it.

That's a good idea. Thank you.

What's her number? Hmm?

What does she do?
What's her act? Right.

"Greensleeves" on the zither.



Maybe she'd like us
to stand closer together.

Showtime, huh?

Oh, showtime!

Look, you hold the fort.

I'll try and get Cairo and crew

out of the stateroom.

All right.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, boys.
That was truly fair.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to introduce to you

a man who was
outstanding in Chicago,

outstanding in Boston,

outstanding in Philadelphia,

and now he's out
standing in the washroom.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the incomparable, the
absolutely indomitable...

Zack Shecky.

Let's hear it for him.

"Zack Shecky"?

Yeah, it sounds bigtime.

Here's the list.

Thank you.

Knock 'em dead.


Thank you...

Thank you, Hack Tuppleman.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

something that we've
all been waiting for,

uh, the Amapola's own...

own star-studded
amateur contest,

and, uh... Uh, here's our...

Here's our first contestant...

Mr., uh, Clint Taha...
Tahak... Tahakashiki.


Tak... Takahashi.

From Houston, Texas,

weighing in at 192 pounds

in his double-knit
corrective slacks.

Mr. Tahakashiki...


Takahashi will sing
his rendition of...

"My Wild Irish Rose"?

Uh, Mr. Tahakashiki.


Thank you.

I can't take it.

Where'd your partner go?

He went to meet
Kitty, didn't he?

Oh, no, no, no.
You got it all wrong.

There's the man,
right over there.

He's the one who went
to see your girlfriend.


♪ My wild Irish rose ♪

♪ The sweetest
flower That grows... ♪♪

Mr. Jensen.

What on earth

do you think you are doing here?

You'd better have
an explanation.

There's only one, captain.

Our next contestant,

uh, Miss Bertha Zelinka,

with, uh, tops in taps!

Bertha. Your public's
waiting, Bertha.

Coming, Mom.

Go, darling. Go.

I taught her
everything she knows.

Mrs. Clark?

Mrs. Clark, it's magic
time at the amateur hour.

We're waiting to hear you
belt out "Greensleeves."

Mrs. Clark?

He's not a man we
can dismiss lightly.

If we hold together, and
firm, we'll have the upper hand.

If we don't,

believe me,

he'll chew us to pieces.

Maybe... Maybe Gus is right.

Maybe he has to
be taken care of.


Are you all right?

You don't look very well.


Yeah, I'm fine.

Just fine.

What happened to you?

Yes. Indeed.

On my way to my
quarters to clean up.

Just had a revolting encounter

with an absolutely
berserk passenger

named Harvey Schwab.

He accused me of
chasing his girlfriend.

Have you been drinking again?

Huh? What?

You sure you're all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

How about you?

Are you gonna be okay, Stafford?

Never felt better.

Mr. Stafford.

Mr. Stafford.

Ever-popular Bob White,

we go to the North woods

and the famous
Canadian snow goose

pining for his lost mate.

Here's your bird, babe.

Nature knows no titters.

What happened to
you? I got ambushed.


Well, look, you
want to sit down?

No, no, I'm okay. What
happened with Cairo?

He wasn't in his stateroom.

I think we've stumbled
onto something

a lot bigger than a
dope deal. What?

How about every syndicate
leader on the West Coast?

What? Yeah.

Want a list?

Jack Patches, Gus Traynor,

Long Oscar Nash, Marty Simon...

Marty Simon? You got it.

We busted him a
couple of years ago.

And if he spots us,
our cover is blown.

Look, I think we'd
better call the mainland,

whether the
captain likes it or not.

I think you're right.

Hold on a second, huh?

Go ahead.

Wasn't that
sensational, folks, huh?

Well, folks, we're coming
down to the final contestants,

so let's have a nice, warm
Amapola welcome for, uh...

our next star of tomorrow,
or the day after that.

Performing some gems
from your favorite operas,

Mrs. Edna Zelinka from,
uh, Columbus, Ohio.

It's Akron.

My teacher would
never forgive me,

and I don't need this.

All right, boys.


See, I learned that at school.

This was the Fred
Astaire School.

♪ One man Give me
his diamond stud ♪

♪ And I don't give
him A cigarette ♪

♪ Another man treat
me Like I was mud ♪

♪ But what I got All
that man can get ♪

Something's wrong.

You got a headache, huh?

Of course something's wrong.

We've got two murders and a...

We're hanging on to
our cover by a shoestring.

We've got the biggest
meeting of the syndicates

since Appalachia,

and you say,
"Something's wrong"?

It's more. You don't
kill a couple of times

to cover up a meeting
that's gonna result

in a couple of
misdemeanor convictions.


Captain LaRue?


Will you look at this?


Not in there.

Somebody was
looking for something.


Special orders

issued us by the commodore.

I got blood.

There's more here.