Stars on Mars (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - 1.1 - full transcript
In the year 2023,
12 celebrities embarked on
an unprecedented experiment.
Their mission, to find out if
they could survive life on mars.
Where my space blaster at?
Yeah!
They've all come here to prove they
have what it takes to survive in space.
But only one will
make it to the end,
And earn the title of the
brightest star in the galaxy.
To prepare, we've
created a simulation,
A 24-day experiment which will test
which celebrities are the strongest...
Try me, alien.
The brightest...
Hello. Why don't we have all
hands on deck? There we go.
Hey, that's a good job.
The bravest...
Bye, motherfungus!
And when the food runs out...
They're not feeding us.
Who can handle the stress.
The mental side
of this is torture.
We can't vote based off
who we love having here.
Most will falter...
Unfortunately, one
of you has to go.
And be extracted
from the simulation.
Fire!
My god! There's a fire!
Emergency!
- It's an alien!
- My god!
You gotta move faster than that.
Jog, jog, jog!
My god.
Come on, come on! We gotta go,
we gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go!
- Go, go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
This gonna be tough.
This is gonna be tough.
I'm getting right in the damn.
Come on, come on, come on!
This is "stars on mars."
I know when I was a kid,
You know, you sort of look
out into the sky and space,
And you see planets and
stars, and you could say,
What would it be like
to live on another planet?
Are there other forms of life?
I was honestly inspired
to be part of this experiment
Because I'm such
a big space nerd.
I love stuff like this.
And it's too late for me
to become an astronaut,
So this is the
closest I'll ever get.
This will be a true challenge.
I mean, I standing
here, full glam,
In an astronaut outfit.
How often do you get a
chance to be on mars?
Habitat system activated.
Life support online.
Incoming astronaut.
Incoming astronaut.
My.
Holy hell.
Welcome to the habitat.
It is now safe to
remove your helmet.
I've been walking
for miles. I'm parched.
Scanning. Christopher
mintz-plasse.
This looks incredible.
A lot of money put into this.
Hello, chris.
Hi.
Enter the decontamination zone.
Push. - Nice.
There you go.
Holy cow.
Decontamination
in three, two, one.
God!
Holy hell.
Okay.
Hello?
People still recognize
me as mclovin,
The character I
played in "superbad,"
Which I have heard
screamed at me
For the last 16
years of my life.
Welcome to your celebrity hab.
Wow.
Your home throughout this
mars isolation experiment.
My god.
It includes the command center
for emergencies and missions,
Living quarters,
The gymnasium for
mandatory fitness,
The bio dome for
your nutritional needs...
This is beautiful.
Male and female
sleeping quarters...
We are bunking.
A dining room,
And a fully equipped
state of the art kitchen.
If this isn't drinkable,
tell me now.
It's poison.
Correction. It is not poison.
Incoming astronaut.
Who's ready to party
like it's sol one on mars?
Who's it gonna be?
It is now safe
to remove your helmet.
Tilda swinton?
Timothy "shamberlays"?
Decontaminating.
Nice.
Welcome, ronda
rousey, champion fighter.
I don't know what we got
ourselves into, my friend.
- All right, this is gonna be you.
- Yay.
We're locker buddies.
Space is not great for my hair.
- Incoming astronaut.
- Who do you think it's gonna be?
I want matt damon.
Matt damon unavailable.
Welcome tom schwartz.
- Friends. Hi! Humans.
- Hi.
Is there a hal here? Is
there an ai thing the we can...
Hello, tom, star of
"vanderpump rules,"
Currently known for scandoval.
That's perfect.
So I chose to do this little
"stars on mars" experiment.
Maybe ironically, I needed a break
from reality. Specifically my reality.
Our show's actually kind of a
derivative of the "housewives."
It's "vanderpump rules."
It's people who all
work in a restaurant...
I've heard of this show.
- Have sex with each other.
- Jeez.
We're not doing that
here, I don't think.
Detecting multiple targets.
Incoming astronaut.
Welcome to the
habitat, tallulah willis,
Daughter of bruce and demi.
Scanning.
Adam rippon,
olympic figure skater.
This bag is heavy as hell.
Scanning.
Porsha williams guobadia,
Real housewife.
If I can walk around atlanta,
I can walk around on mars.
Try me, alien.
Welcome to the habitat, tinashe,
R&b recording artist.
It is now safe to
remove your helmet.
- I'm stuck. You guys?
- Please remove your helmet.
Okay.
Finally.
Scanning.
Ariel winter,
award-winning actor
From "modern family."
I am comfortable
playing other characters,
Not playing myself.
Because the world
is harsh, you know?
And people, their
comments are harsh.
I'm scared of doing this
show for that reason.
When I have to just be myself,
it's an incredible challenge.
- Welcome to mars.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
We gonna hit
someone 'round here.
Hey, you was
whipping that thing!
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, you know what I mean?
They let black people on mars?
Decontamination in three, two...
- No!
- One.
- There it is.
- Aah!
Aww.
- Yeah!
- Scanning.
Marshawn lynch
and richard sherman,
Teammates and nfl legends.
- What up?
- Yes!
It makes it a lot of easier
to have a friend with you
Because you're on mars.
Like, there's nothing
familiar about any of this.
This for sure like jail.
Yeah, the sleeping arrangements
on mars, nasty as.
I ain't gonna lie, my
cell was bigger than this.
- Are y'all gonna be able to fit in the bed?
- I don't know.
It is now safe
to remove your helmet.
- Dude.
- Wait a minute.
- That's...
- Yes.
- Is it lance?
- It's lance armstrong.
Yes!
Scanning. Lance armstrong.
Cyclist.
- Welcome!
- Ay!
- How are you?
- What's up, man?
- Wow, this is exciting.
- How are you? Lance.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello! Ariel.
- Hi, how are you?
- Nice to meet you.
Lance armstrong is a
real freaking astronaut.
He is a real astronaut.
He is lance armstrong.
You need to google him.
You need to know everything
about him because he is so cool.
The fact we have an
astronaut is so crazy.
- You said what?
- I'm so confused.
Like, is he gonna end
up being our judge?
What the hell are
you doing here, man?
- The moon wasn't enough, you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's probably
20-year-olds out there
That get me confused
with neil armstrong.
If I were neil
armstrong, I'd be dead.
I'd prefer to be lance
armstrong at this point.
Yeah, it was a
movie called "superbad."
One of my favorite
movies of all time.
- Thanks, dude.
- Yeah.
I'm a little starstruck,
I gotta be honest.
"superbad" may be the
best movie of its kind.
And that was one of
your first movies, wasn't it?
- That was first movie.
- Your literal first movie?
I'm not gonna say what
his name is in the movie
Because I'm sure
he's so sick of that
And I'm sure he still gets
it everywhere he goes.
Hey, mclovin.
I grew up on him as mclovin,
so I'm gonna call him mclovin.
Attention.
Incoming message
from mission control.
Incoming message! Guys!
Stand by for rules briefing
with mission director shatner.
Hello, mars crew.
- Hey!
- Hey, he's here!
Look at all of you. So excited.
How's it going so far?
- Great.
- Awesome.
Good. It's good.
Just kidding. I can't hear you.
There's currently
a 17-minute delay
Between your base and me
on earth in mission control.
It is mind-blowing
to see william shatner.
He is the original space boy.
It's pretty surreal to have
him a part of this experiment.
You have to listen
to me very closely.
There are not enough
rations for everyone.
Those not critical to the mars
simulation will be extracted.
Sent home every 48 hours.
The most powerful
role on your crew
Will be the base commander.
They're in charge.
They will assign tasks
and duties around the hab.
And when emergency
strikes, and it will,
They'll lead you on missions
necessary for your survival.
Crucially, your base
commander will help to determine
Who is or isn't
mission critical.
You must choose your base
commander for the first 48 hours now.
Choose wisely. The hopes of celebrities
everywhere rests on your shoulders.
Celebrities.
- He looks amazing for his age.
- He really does.
You have two minutes
to select your base commander.
Your base commander will be
your leader for the next two days.
Who... does anybody
want to be the commander?
Right now I think everybody's
just figuring out their footing
And we're shaping each other up
Just to see how are we
best gonna work together?
Did anyone wanna be the first
base commander? Absolutely not.
- No, no, no...
- I elect...
- Yes. The next two days.
- Two days?
- You got it, champ.
- I... no.
It's gonna be really
awkward if I fail.
You never think about failing.
You only think about succeeding.
My biggest fear is failure.
- What about lance?
- No, I'm going outside.
The base
commander will have exclusive use
Of their own sleeping quarters.
- Shawn, you're base commander.
- I don't know how to delegate.
Shawn's base commander. Perfect.
Okay, shawn.
- Really?
- Let's go, champ.
Being the base commander,
I get my own little
luxury sleeping situation,
So I'm good with that.
Ay, ay, ay, ay,
ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
Commander, your
first mission starts now.
There is a 12th crew member
Trapped in a pod
with dwindling oxygen.
Choose two crew members.
Their mission is to rescue
your stranded crewmate.
Aww. Like, damn.
I guess it's time to
take care of business.
So, look, this is what's up.
Lance and ronda, I
need y'all to partner up.
They couldn't land
their correctly,
And we gotta go rescue 'em.
I'm gonna need y'all
to go and get 'em,
You feel what I'm talking about?
Oxygen levels in the
stranded pod are critical.
Deploy your rescue
team immediately.
All right, get 'em
dressed. Get 'em dressed.
Suit 'em up!
Good job, adam. Good.
There you go, baby.
We gotta send a team out there.
It might be a beyoncé.
Base commander marshawn,
Lance and ronda are out
rescuing your 12th crew member.
You must establish
communications with them
To find out their status.
No, no, no. You need
to... there you go. Here.
This wanted to hear espn.
Did you hack the system?
Espn is not available
in your region.
Comms established.
- Excuse me.
- Are y'all okay?
- Hey, lance.
- My god.
Marshawn, are you there?
Why do they look like that?
My god, no.
- I don't want this close to my face.
- That's real close!
- It's about to be this close for us.
- Hey, lance.
- Marshawn.
- Hey, can you hear me, bro?
- I just wanna make sure you're behaving.
- Ay.
I think we go
through here, right?
My god. It looks like mars.
Is that what it looks
like outside right now?
- There we go.
- There she is.
- Looky here.
- It's an alien!
Hey.
Wait, there's a
person. There's a person!
- Slide down.
- Slide.
She's still alive!
- Who is it?
- Get her other hand. Get her other hand.
- Natasha!
- Who?
Leggero. She's a comedian.
- Petey?
- Comedian.
What did you think
I said, a "pedian?"
I got the team!
Welcome to the hab
natasha leggero, "pedian."
Thank you.
The skills I'm bringing
to mars... let's see here.
I can cook a chicken.
- Tasha? I'm tom. Nice to meet you.
- Yes. Hi, tom.
Mission successful.
All crew are now
safely contained.
You are 140 million
miles from earth.
Marshawn, you can
find today's base duties
On the base commander console.
You must assign
them to your crew.
You are responsible
for maintaining
Your ration inventory.
All right, so look,
porsha and tallulah,
What y'all gotta do is y'all gotta count
and categorize the food and rations.
Okay, we can do that.
There will be no resupply.
You must maintain
the bio dome crops.
Chris and sherm, y'all gonna have to
go do the same with the plants.
- Gotcha, gotcha.
- You feel me?
You experience 66.2%
less gravity on mars.
You must maintain fitness
To prevent bone and muscle
loss in this experiment.
To conclude this, I
am iyd commander,
And if y'all need me, just
give me a "hootie-hoo"
- Or a "ye," and I
will be... - like a...
- Hootie-hoo!
- Ye!
Marshawn is base commander?
Okay. Y'all play too much.
Because how is he gonna
get all of us into formation
When he's never in formation?
Base commander...
Reporting for duty.
The benefit to
being a base commander
Is I got my own little bed,
got my own little bathroom.
I can dig it.
Marshawn, as base commander,
You must oversee
the base duties.
Marshawn.
- Okay, what is that?
- Ten cornflakes.
Ten cornflakes.
When you first
walk in the kitchen,
It's like, "yeah, it's got a
kitchen! Got everything!"
No! We don't have a stove.
We don't have an air fryer.
And we have a lot of food
that is air-sealed in bags.
So, one, two, three.
Which one did you
just take that from?
- And so this... -
let's not count that.
Five, six. This sucks. Eight.
We don't have enough rations
To last as long as
we need them to last,
So it's really cool that
we're growing stuff.
Two tangerine trees.
At home, I've been
known to kill all my plants,
So that was a very
rough start for me.
But ya gotta do the mundane
tasks to survive on mars.
Tell us what you
think these are.
Um, olives.
Okay.
- Here, I'll get them.
- Thank you. I cannot reach that.
So marshawn has given
me and adam the task
- Of polishing the patches.
- Whoa!
We hate to see it, you know?
I'm assuming that the patches
Are something that
people in this simulation
Might earn on a mission.
- I actually love cleaning and organizing so much.
- Me, too!
Do you like folding things?
Yes, I love folding my laundry.
- I love it.
- It's awesome.
- All of my things are
in beautiful... - same.
- Yeah, okay.
- Same. I love this for us.
- Yeah.
- I love this for us.
Crew, report for
sol one mandatory fitness.
You really call
yourself an athlete?
Shut up.
No...
Cycling is a... that's
an athletic thing?
You know, my sporting
career started 30 years ago,
And so some folks
might know me from that.
They might know me from having
just lived a very complicated public life.
But I come from
an endurance sport,
And to me, this entire endeavor,
that's all about endurance.
- How long is that race?
- Three weeks.
Yeah, I'm thinking you're
gonna say, like, 50 miles.
You know what the average
length of a football play is
From the time they
say, "down, set, hut,"
To the time the ref
blows the whistle?
- Seven seconds.
- Seven seconds.
Who's the athlete now?
Man, just 'cause you ride a bike
For three weeks, like,
how athletic is this?
Coming up...
- Emergency!
- Okay, look, y'all gotta listen.
If we don't hurry up,
we gonna miss the orbit.
I'm standing here
in a wind storm.
Time is of the assess...
Of the, essence.
The name of game,
someone has to go home.
Are you guys ready to
see who is mission critical?
Nah, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Can I get y'all for a second?
- Yes.
All right, what's up?
This was our first day on mars.
I cannot believe I'm here.
I'm in a spacesuit on
mars led by marshawn.
The job is well done on
the first day for the tasks,
So give y'all self a
round of applause.
I will say we did a good job.
We came together. You feel me?
We was able to accomplish some.
And then we got
sherman and chris.
They took care of the plants
and the farms and all that.
- We got 14 blueberry plants in there, guys.
- 18 olives.
Marshawn is a wildcard.
You don't know what he's gonna
say. He's an incredible commander.
I think you did a good job, iyd.
- What's iyd?
- I'm your daddy. Ay.
How am I supposed to be
the comedian with you around?
I think we're all still trying
to read each other out,
And we're trying to figure
out what are the strengths,
What are the
weakness of everyone?
How are we best
gonna work together?
Which is gonna be really important
the longer that we stay here.
I work out maybe, like,
I'm gonna say 50
times a whole year.
- So, you know...
- Hey, that's a lot.
Previous experiments have failed
because people socially and mentally crack,
And I feel like
the social aspect
Is more important than anything
Because as human beings,
That's kind of our
strength and our weakness.
Tallulah, your parents
are these amazing people
That have achieved all
these amazing things.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Do you have any advice for me for my daughter?
- My gosh.
- How to help her through that experience
Or how that affected you?
Yeah, I mean, I
grew up in idaho.
And I knew my
parents had this job
That made them this thing,
and we got to do cool stuff,
But I didn't fully understand.
The only thing that I knew
about tallulah coming in here
Was she has two
extremely famous parents...
Demi moore and bruce willis,
And tallulah is the
quintessential nepo baby.
So, yeah, she should own it.
It was, like, 2003.
My mom had just
started dating ashton.
It was that moment.
There was a lot going on.
And I really went
inside of myself.
And that did send me
into a total dumpster fire.
It was really hard,
and I'm still unpacking.
However, I found
the other side of that,
Which is I really
love myself now...
- As you should.
- And my family.
Yeah, and I love my family.
There's not a lot of
people that deal with that.
So she's one of the ones I was,
you know, more concerned about
And someone I was
thinking of like, my god,
We need to make
sure she's taken care of.
Are you married?
I have a five-year-old.
Aww! I have a four-year-old.
You do? Isn't that
the cutest age?
Yes! My god.
I think friendship
is the most important thing,
So I was connecting with
porsha because I think that
She and I have a similar...
You know, our kids
are the same age.
And you have one daughter
and then two stepsons?
No, my husband has five kids.
- Wow. My god.
- Is that your ring? Damn.
- Yeah.
- It's insane.
- That's a space rock right there.
- Thank you.
I would raise five
stepkids for that ring, sure.
How many
super bowl wins you got?
I only got one.
- Just one? What?
- One loss, one win.
I think it's important
to make friends here.
The first question is who
wants to be here till the end?
Marshawn is one of the
toughest humans on the planet.
He's certainly not
in any hurry to leave.
Now, going back to
something very serious.
- Can I borrow your bathroom?
- Hell, naw.
Please! I don't know that I
can go in the public thing.
I'm a little weirded out
by being in a bunk room
With six other dudes and sharing
a bathroom and sharing showers.
But time is of the essence.
Nah, you can't in there, brother.
- 100%?
- 100,000.
All right, I'll be right back.
He still moves well.
Look like he eating
lima beans and like that,
So there will not be
no lima bean
in my bathroom.
So I just realized I
made a huge mistake.
- So who did you think he was?
- Neil armstrong.
- I'm not kidding.
- Yeah. Foot in mouth syndrome?
- She thought he was an actual astronaut.
- I mean, it's funny.
That was part of my
fear coming on the show
Was I was gonna
say something stupid,
And I literally...
Like, I outdid myself.
Don't take yourself
too seriously.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
Commander signing off.
Good night, lance.
So far, I don't think we've really
started to test ourselves, right?
Living in a confined
space for weeks on end,
I think that's where this
thing will start to unravel.
You know, I really
have no idea what's in store for me,
But, I mean, what could
really prepare you for mars?
I don't know.
Emergency!
Coming up...
- Whoa.
- My god.
The solar winds,
man. This is crazy!
I think a lot of us would have
died if this was really mars.
- I can't muscle it.
- Aah!
All crew, report
to the command center.
- Emergency!
- Like astronauts on mars,
You will deal with
constant emergencies.
- Wake up!
- Come on, shawn! Emergency!
- Emergency!
- Here we go.
Here we go.
- Hello, mars crew.
- Guys, it's shatty daddy.
We have an emergency.
A fierce martian dust
storm is headed your way
And has already knocked over
The communication
satellite tower.
If you fail today,
earth will be destroyed.
I read that wrong.
Your link between mars
and earth will be destroyed.
Still a pretty big deal.
This mission will test
your leadership skills
And will earn you
a mission patch.
- Whoo!
- Whoa!
The badges.
I'm downloading
all of the information
For your base commander now.
Tallulah is your
mission specialist.
This is an important role,
As the mission specialist
is safe from extraction.
Tallulah?
Good luck, and remember,
if you need anything at all,
Anything, you're
completely on your own.
We got your back!
I got chosen for
mission specialist,
Which is very exciting.
Base commander
and mission specialist,
Remain at mission control.
Crew, prepare for deployment.
- Let's get it!
- Energy!
I know there's gonna be
a lot of going on.
So if we get to a point
where it's too much,
Don't be afraid to let me
know and I'll jump in there.
- Okay.
- But just remember,
At the end of the day,
all things fall back on me...
Let's save this satellite.
And I feel right now I'm
gonna be a reflection of you.
So make us both look good.
We are going to support our
crew getting that tower back up,
And in emergencies, we rally.
- One, two, three.
- Iyd!
There we go.
Going out there
to kick martian ass.
- This door?
- Hey, louis armstrong!
I got your back, boy!
Can you guys hear me?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
Okay, so here's
the mission brief.
We need our crew to
find three satellite dishes
And two antenna pieces
And then successfully
put back up
The fallen comms tower
Before the communication
window closes
And the mars orbiter
misses the ecliptic plane.
Copy that.
I'm panicked out of my mind,
But we also know that
the name of the game
Is that someone has to go home.
I'm very nervous I'm not
gonna be able to carry my weight.
This is not gonna go well.
- Let's go.
- Here we go.
Wow.
- Whoa.
- My god.
I'm having a hard time
Doing anything other
than, you know, breathing.
So I don't really think I
would make it as an astronaut.
Okay, so can we have
lance, ronda, and ariel
Try to find the two rovers
And turn the lights on
to illuminate the area?
- Got it.
- Here's the rover.
- Hey! Ariel!
- Good. All right.
So the rest of the crew,
you're gonna start to look
For all the broken
satellite components
And the antennas to the tower.
Please note that there
are three satellite dishes
And two antennas to repair.
- I got an antenna.
- Who is this talking?
I'm gonna need you to
identify yourself, gangsta.
Look! Right here, right here!
I don't know who
the hell designed this,
But this is really realistic.
It was pitch black and
there was, like, wind.
Then I realized I couldn't
breathe, that it was sand.
I'm definitely adding astronaut
to my bio on instagram.
We found the other one!
- Nice!
- Yes.
I've located a satellite dish.
- Is that tinashe?
- Yeah.
You think we attach
this on the other side?
- Yellow parts for here. Yellow.
- This way, this way.
I've never been to mars. I
don't know what's going on here.
This is not what
I signed up for.
- I thought we had two of them.
- I can't hear you, chris.
Remember, that's
three satellites.
All right, we're almost
there. Hold it. Is it straight?
Almost there.
We did it! We got this one!
Antenna one attached.
All right, let's do
the second one.
- Hey, sherm.
- What up?
How many people is
it actually gonna take
To get that one
satellite put together?
I can't hear you, shawn,
when everybody's talking.
It's chaos. Everybody's
talking at the same time,
And communication is critical.
And I think marshawn kinda
dropped the ball on that.
We got it. All right,
we got two up.
You got it? Okay, there you go.
All right, I'm
attaching satellite one!
I got it.
Hey, look, we got
three minutes left.
That's good.
Okay, look, y'all gotta
listen. Y'all gotta listen.
- Y'all gotta listen. Y'all gotta listen.
- What happened to that one?
It's tough walking
in these spacesuits
And you're having
dust blow everywhere.
You can't see a thing.
It was just a mess.
Hey, tom, is you all right, tom?
- Can I just get a confirmation from tom that he's okay?
- You're alive, bro.
Tallulah, I'm listening.
- Okay, there you go.
- Okay, okay. Come on, my guy.
You gotta just give us
a little something here.
- Here's a cable.
- All right, it's on. It's on. It's good.
All components attached.
Phase one complete.
- Whoo!
- There you go.
I was really just trying
to stay out of everyone's way
Hanging out in the loser area
with, you know, chris and adam.
The solar winds, man.
This is crazy.
Yeah, I think a lot
of us would have died
If this was really
mars up there.
Hey, look, I'm gonna
tell y'all you something,
But I'ma need y'all to
keep y'all composure.
If we don't hurry up, we gonna miss
the orbit, and we cannot miss the orbit.
Two minutes
remaining before satellite link fails.
You gonna physically lift the
tower with the winch and gauges.
Do you know what a winch is?
If it's anything like a
wrench, then we are...
- You can get there? We're good to go?
- Yeah.
- Where is the winch?
- What are we looking for?
I'm looking for where
to secure the winch.
- What?
- The winch.
- Where is the winch?
- It's a ring.
The winch is at the rover.
Copy. I got it.
Ariel, you're doing so amazing.
I got it.
You got
it? Okay, there you go.
Is that enough slack?
- A little more! Two more feet!
- More slack.
Me and tom are trying
to connect these two clips.
- One more foot! Seven inches!
- Almost!
- We're so close!
- So close! Almost there!
We're literally inches away.
It's moving! It's moving!
Wait, I need another inch.
- I can't muscle it.
- Time is running out.
Stay calm.
Wait, I need another inch.
Crew, you have one minute
To raise the
communications tower
And connect to the
incoming satellite.
- I can't muscle it.
- Yeah, it's...
I got... We're
good! We're good!
- We're good!
- We got it!
- There you go. Good job.
- Whoo!
Me and tinashe had
that sistine chapel moment,
And that was the final act
in order to raise the tower.
- That was some beast mode.
- Beast mode!
- There you go, baby.
- Are we pulling the winch or are we pushing the tower?
You're gonna physically lift the
tower with the winch and gauges.
Lift this?
What the... what are
you talking about?
How are we supposed
to lift the tower?
- Let's get it!
- Wait, we're not going to lift it yet.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Hey, shawn. Hey, shawn.
You have to tell us what to do.
We need to know
if we're lifting.
Make sure you don't put yourself
in a compromising position.
- All right, all right, let me get on it.
- Where do I go?
Everybody got they spot?
All right, ariel,
activate the winch.
All right, I'm doing it now.
Get it, ariel.
Winch enabled.
- Start lifting.
- Here we go.
- Here we go!
- 30 seconds remaining.
All right, that's looking good.
I was under that
thing pushing with all my might
- To try to get it up.
- Push it forward.
- There you go.
- You got it, guys. Let's go!
- You almost there.
- Come on!
- Heave!
- Ho.
It's gonna
turn green at the top,
And then that's when
we reestablish contact.
Nine, eight, seven...
- We need a screw.
- Yeah!
Whoo!
- All right.
- Yeah! Amazing!
Hey, that's a good job.
You guys, that was so beautiful
to see how you all came together
Under these really
intense circumstances.
- You did it! That was incredible!
- Yeah!
- So proud of you all.
- Thank you, tallulah.
Tallulah, you should be
a motivational speaker.
- Whoo!
- Ay, ay.
That's what I'm saying. I was
pleased to have you as my copilot.
It was an honor
to serve with you.
We did it!
So just knowing tonight
That someone's gonna be extracted,
there's gonna be an elimination,
It really puts a damper
on what should be
A celebratory climactic moment.
We made it!
- That was absolutely insane.
- Crazy.
That tested everybody.
- We are trauma bonded now.
- Yeah.
- We are!
- Incoming message from mission control.
Great work, crew. The
mission was a success.
Shatty daddy!
It's time for a tough decision.
One of your crewmates
must be extracted.
Who will be the first
to exit the simulation?
Good luck. Transmission over.
Base commander, you must decide
Which three people were
the least mission critical.
- Damn.
- Are you kidding?
As far as individuals
who was mission critical,
You know, porsha was engaged
in the things that were going on.
Yeah, and ariel felt like
she was very mission critical.
She was very mission critical.
And then you
have the individuals
Who had to reach
out a couple of times
And we wasn't getting
a response back.
- Let's do it.
- For sure.
Hey, family, what's going on?
Ay!
Y'all did a hell of a job
out there on the mission.
It was all worth
it to hear that.
Right on, right on, right on.
But now we get to the hard part.
So this is who
was mission critical.
Who was mission critical?
Um, besides myself.
So I will need porsha.
You're mission critical.
- Porsha!
- Big crit.
- Yes, porsha!
- Critical!
Porsha, you looking
dirty as hell, girl.
Whoo!
- Do you want your patch?
- Yes, yes!
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
Leadership patch acquired.
Okay, next I will
be needing ronda.
Let's go! Legend!
As an athlete, I'm competitive.
And so if anybody
is going to thrive
In this kind of environment,
I feel like it's me.
Miss ariel. - Yep.
- Yeah!
- Definitely wanna stay,
But that mission was
absolutely chaotic.
Here's your leadership badge.
A badge! Yes!
You look like a
little oompa loompa.
Miss natasha. Critical.
- That is not mission critical.
- You wanna take it back?
And then next,
mr. Louis, aka lance.
- Yes, sir, lance!
- You are mission critical, young fella.
Come on, og. Damn.
Boy, you done got you
a tan out there?
Here's your leadership
patch, sir, and congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Boy, pick that long
ass head up, boy.
Richard!
Tinashe, come and step on through.
- Group huddle.
- Boys!
It was three frail
little white men, dude.
Look, family, we got
a decision to make.
As a collective, we'll come together and
figure out who was not mission critical.
We got tom, we got
adam, and we have chris.
And then I'm guessing
that'll be the individual
Who will take a long
walk off a short bridge.
- Let's stay huddled together.
- Unbelievable.
Good luck.
Now look, family, we
got a decision to make.
Out of these three,
who was mission critical?
Tom, chris, and
adam, step through.
The walk of shame.
Enter the decontamination zone.
Chris. -
We need to know why
you were mission critical.
I'm getting emotional.
There was 11 of
you on that field.
I was doing a favor by
stepping out of the way.
There was already too
many people involved.
It was chaotic. It was chaos.
- All right?
- I didn't communicate with chris.
I don't know what he was
doing during the mission.
He knew that he was a liability, and
he took himself out of the equation.
Right.
Gotcha, gotcha. Adam?
Well, I think I'm critical
Because I'm one of
the hottest people here.
- Period.
- I think that's important
For any kind of
challenge that we do here.
That's being honest. I
think that's being honest.
- He's right.
- That's true. That's true.
That's true.
Adam was kind of with me
'cause we didn't
really know what to do.
We were kind of trying to
pretend we were helping.
But we really were not helping.
Tom.
You know how when people
are under great duress,
Like a woman sees
her child under a car
And they get
superhuman strength?
For one moment, I had
superhuman strength.
- That is... - I got...
- We're good!
- We're good! We're good!
- We got it!
- There you go. Good job.
- We got it.
Tom was mission critical.
He was picking up things.
- He was definitely in the game.
- Any negatives?
- Not on tom.
- All right.
- Mission critical.
- Tom.
- You were mission critical.
- Hey, I don't wanna leave without you guys.
- I know. We love you.
- I love you, too.
- And you are very hot.
- Hottest one here.
- I missed you guys.
- Yeah, tom!
I was on the chopping block,
but I'm the best of the worst.
So that's something, you
know? That's something.
So we got chris and we got adam.
- They're making this really dramatic.
- I know!
- So I call him in?
- Yes, call him in.
- It's a unanimous decision.
- Yeah.
- The family has spoken.
- Do we hold hands, man?
Adam, you are
mission critical. Come on through.
Moving forward, we
just have to assume
Things are gonna go
awry and go wrong,
But I'm grateful to be
here for another day.
Chris, this means
you are not mission critical
And must leave the
hab immediately.
Find me on instagram.
- All right?
- Yes!
We love you, chris!
That was a short trip to mars.
Whoo!
I am not ready for mars.
I personally don't
think any of these stars
Are ready for mars,
except for maybe ronda rousey.
She could take
an alien, for sure.
When you got a commander and
your commander is commanding you,
If only y'all just stop
talking and listen.
No, if only y'all stop talking.
It's like when you
was telling pete.
You was like, "ay, pete, if you just
go weak, we'll score a touchdown."
- But this is... - and he, like,
run strong into the overlap.
I'm the commander.
The difference
between you and me
Is I'm standing
here in a wind storm.
Look... -
This season
on "stars on mars"...
You guys are
walking! Run your ass!
- You're gonna die!
- My god.
- You are killing me.
- My god, you guys.
Come on! What are you doing?
What's our battle cry again?
Yeah, I'm a little bit upset.
I've pissed off way
too many people.
No, no, no. Take this off.
- The water's getting out.
- Take this off.
Whoa!
If y'all vote me out, I'm going
kicking and screaming. I swear to god.
12 celebrities embarked on
an unprecedented experiment.
Their mission, to find out if
they could survive life on mars.
Where my space blaster at?
Yeah!
They've all come here to prove they
have what it takes to survive in space.
But only one will
make it to the end,
And earn the title of the
brightest star in the galaxy.
To prepare, we've
created a simulation,
A 24-day experiment which will test
which celebrities are the strongest...
Try me, alien.
The brightest...
Hello. Why don't we have all
hands on deck? There we go.
Hey, that's a good job.
The bravest...
Bye, motherfungus!
And when the food runs out...
They're not feeding us.
Who can handle the stress.
The mental side
of this is torture.
We can't vote based off
who we love having here.
Most will falter...
Unfortunately, one
of you has to go.
And be extracted
from the simulation.
Fire!
My god! There's a fire!
Emergency!
- It's an alien!
- My god!
You gotta move faster than that.
Jog, jog, jog!
My god.
Come on, come on! We gotta go,
we gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go!
- Go, go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
This gonna be tough.
This is gonna be tough.
I'm getting right in the damn.
Come on, come on, come on!
This is "stars on mars."
I know when I was a kid,
You know, you sort of look
out into the sky and space,
And you see planets and
stars, and you could say,
What would it be like
to live on another planet?
Are there other forms of life?
I was honestly inspired
to be part of this experiment
Because I'm such
a big space nerd.
I love stuff like this.
And it's too late for me
to become an astronaut,
So this is the
closest I'll ever get.
This will be a true challenge.
I mean, I standing
here, full glam,
In an astronaut outfit.
How often do you get a
chance to be on mars?
Habitat system activated.
Life support online.
Incoming astronaut.
Incoming astronaut.
My.
Holy hell.
Welcome to the habitat.
It is now safe to
remove your helmet.
I've been walking
for miles. I'm parched.
Scanning. Christopher
mintz-plasse.
This looks incredible.
A lot of money put into this.
Hello, chris.
Hi.
Enter the decontamination zone.
Push. - Nice.
There you go.
Holy cow.
Decontamination
in three, two, one.
God!
Holy hell.
Okay.
Hello?
People still recognize
me as mclovin,
The character I
played in "superbad,"
Which I have heard
screamed at me
For the last 16
years of my life.
Welcome to your celebrity hab.
Wow.
Your home throughout this
mars isolation experiment.
My god.
It includes the command center
for emergencies and missions,
Living quarters,
The gymnasium for
mandatory fitness,
The bio dome for
your nutritional needs...
This is beautiful.
Male and female
sleeping quarters...
We are bunking.
A dining room,
And a fully equipped
state of the art kitchen.
If this isn't drinkable,
tell me now.
It's poison.
Correction. It is not poison.
Incoming astronaut.
Who's ready to party
like it's sol one on mars?
Who's it gonna be?
It is now safe
to remove your helmet.
Tilda swinton?
Timothy "shamberlays"?
Decontaminating.
Nice.
Welcome, ronda
rousey, champion fighter.
I don't know what we got
ourselves into, my friend.
- All right, this is gonna be you.
- Yay.
We're locker buddies.
Space is not great for my hair.
- Incoming astronaut.
- Who do you think it's gonna be?
I want matt damon.
Matt damon unavailable.
Welcome tom schwartz.
- Friends. Hi! Humans.
- Hi.
Is there a hal here? Is
there an ai thing the we can...
Hello, tom, star of
"vanderpump rules,"
Currently known for scandoval.
That's perfect.
So I chose to do this little
"stars on mars" experiment.
Maybe ironically, I needed a break
from reality. Specifically my reality.
Our show's actually kind of a
derivative of the "housewives."
It's "vanderpump rules."
It's people who all
work in a restaurant...
I've heard of this show.
- Have sex with each other.
- Jeez.
We're not doing that
here, I don't think.
Detecting multiple targets.
Incoming astronaut.
Welcome to the
habitat, tallulah willis,
Daughter of bruce and demi.
Scanning.
Adam rippon,
olympic figure skater.
This bag is heavy as hell.
Scanning.
Porsha williams guobadia,
Real housewife.
If I can walk around atlanta,
I can walk around on mars.
Try me, alien.
Welcome to the habitat, tinashe,
R&b recording artist.
It is now safe to
remove your helmet.
- I'm stuck. You guys?
- Please remove your helmet.
Okay.
Finally.
Scanning.
Ariel winter,
award-winning actor
From "modern family."
I am comfortable
playing other characters,
Not playing myself.
Because the world
is harsh, you know?
And people, their
comments are harsh.
I'm scared of doing this
show for that reason.
When I have to just be myself,
it's an incredible challenge.
- Welcome to mars.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
We gonna hit
someone 'round here.
Hey, you was
whipping that thing!
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, you know what I mean?
They let black people on mars?
Decontamination in three, two...
- No!
- One.
- There it is.
- Aah!
Aww.
- Yeah!
- Scanning.
Marshawn lynch
and richard sherman,
Teammates and nfl legends.
- What up?
- Yes!
It makes it a lot of easier
to have a friend with you
Because you're on mars.
Like, there's nothing
familiar about any of this.
This for sure like jail.
Yeah, the sleeping arrangements
on mars, nasty as.
I ain't gonna lie, my
cell was bigger than this.
- Are y'all gonna be able to fit in the bed?
- I don't know.
It is now safe
to remove your helmet.
- Dude.
- Wait a minute.
- That's...
- Yes.
- Is it lance?
- It's lance armstrong.
Yes!
Scanning. Lance armstrong.
Cyclist.
- Welcome!
- Ay!
- How are you?
- What's up, man?
- Wow, this is exciting.
- How are you? Lance.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello! Ariel.
- Hi, how are you?
- Nice to meet you.
Lance armstrong is a
real freaking astronaut.
He is a real astronaut.
He is lance armstrong.
You need to google him.
You need to know everything
about him because he is so cool.
The fact we have an
astronaut is so crazy.
- You said what?
- I'm so confused.
Like, is he gonna end
up being our judge?
What the hell are
you doing here, man?
- The moon wasn't enough, you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's probably
20-year-olds out there
That get me confused
with neil armstrong.
If I were neil
armstrong, I'd be dead.
I'd prefer to be lance
armstrong at this point.
Yeah, it was a
movie called "superbad."
One of my favorite
movies of all time.
- Thanks, dude.
- Yeah.
I'm a little starstruck,
I gotta be honest.
"superbad" may be the
best movie of its kind.
And that was one of
your first movies, wasn't it?
- That was first movie.
- Your literal first movie?
I'm not gonna say what
his name is in the movie
Because I'm sure
he's so sick of that
And I'm sure he still gets
it everywhere he goes.
Hey, mclovin.
I grew up on him as mclovin,
so I'm gonna call him mclovin.
Attention.
Incoming message
from mission control.
Incoming message! Guys!
Stand by for rules briefing
with mission director shatner.
Hello, mars crew.
- Hey!
- Hey, he's here!
Look at all of you. So excited.
How's it going so far?
- Great.
- Awesome.
Good. It's good.
Just kidding. I can't hear you.
There's currently
a 17-minute delay
Between your base and me
on earth in mission control.
It is mind-blowing
to see william shatner.
He is the original space boy.
It's pretty surreal to have
him a part of this experiment.
You have to listen
to me very closely.
There are not enough
rations for everyone.
Those not critical to the mars
simulation will be extracted.
Sent home every 48 hours.
The most powerful
role on your crew
Will be the base commander.
They're in charge.
They will assign tasks
and duties around the hab.
And when emergency
strikes, and it will,
They'll lead you on missions
necessary for your survival.
Crucially, your base
commander will help to determine
Who is or isn't
mission critical.
You must choose your base
commander for the first 48 hours now.
Choose wisely. The hopes of celebrities
everywhere rests on your shoulders.
Celebrities.
- He looks amazing for his age.
- He really does.
You have two minutes
to select your base commander.
Your base commander will be
your leader for the next two days.
Who... does anybody
want to be the commander?
Right now I think everybody's
just figuring out their footing
And we're shaping each other up
Just to see how are we
best gonna work together?
Did anyone wanna be the first
base commander? Absolutely not.
- No, no, no...
- I elect...
- Yes. The next two days.
- Two days?
- You got it, champ.
- I... no.
It's gonna be really
awkward if I fail.
You never think about failing.
You only think about succeeding.
My biggest fear is failure.
- What about lance?
- No, I'm going outside.
The base
commander will have exclusive use
Of their own sleeping quarters.
- Shawn, you're base commander.
- I don't know how to delegate.
Shawn's base commander. Perfect.
Okay, shawn.
- Really?
- Let's go, champ.
Being the base commander,
I get my own little
luxury sleeping situation,
So I'm good with that.
Ay, ay, ay, ay,
ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
Commander, your
first mission starts now.
There is a 12th crew member
Trapped in a pod
with dwindling oxygen.
Choose two crew members.
Their mission is to rescue
your stranded crewmate.
Aww. Like, damn.
I guess it's time to
take care of business.
So, look, this is what's up.
Lance and ronda, I
need y'all to partner up.
They couldn't land
their correctly,
And we gotta go rescue 'em.
I'm gonna need y'all
to go and get 'em,
You feel what I'm talking about?
Oxygen levels in the
stranded pod are critical.
Deploy your rescue
team immediately.
All right, get 'em
dressed. Get 'em dressed.
Suit 'em up!
Good job, adam. Good.
There you go, baby.
We gotta send a team out there.
It might be a beyoncé.
Base commander marshawn,
Lance and ronda are out
rescuing your 12th crew member.
You must establish
communications with them
To find out their status.
No, no, no. You need
to... there you go. Here.
This wanted to hear espn.
Did you hack the system?
Espn is not available
in your region.
Comms established.
- Excuse me.
- Are y'all okay?
- Hey, lance.
- My god.
Marshawn, are you there?
Why do they look like that?
My god, no.
- I don't want this close to my face.
- That's real close!
- It's about to be this close for us.
- Hey, lance.
- Marshawn.
- Hey, can you hear me, bro?
- I just wanna make sure you're behaving.
- Ay.
I think we go
through here, right?
My god. It looks like mars.
Is that what it looks
like outside right now?
- There we go.
- There she is.
- Looky here.
- It's an alien!
Hey.
Wait, there's a
person. There's a person!
- Slide down.
- Slide.
She's still alive!
- Who is it?
- Get her other hand. Get her other hand.
- Natasha!
- Who?
Leggero. She's a comedian.
- Petey?
- Comedian.
What did you think
I said, a "pedian?"
I got the team!
Welcome to the hab
natasha leggero, "pedian."
Thank you.
The skills I'm bringing
to mars... let's see here.
I can cook a chicken.
- Tasha? I'm tom. Nice to meet you.
- Yes. Hi, tom.
Mission successful.
All crew are now
safely contained.
You are 140 million
miles from earth.
Marshawn, you can
find today's base duties
On the base commander console.
You must assign
them to your crew.
You are responsible
for maintaining
Your ration inventory.
All right, so look,
porsha and tallulah,
What y'all gotta do is y'all gotta count
and categorize the food and rations.
Okay, we can do that.
There will be no resupply.
You must maintain
the bio dome crops.
Chris and sherm, y'all gonna have to
go do the same with the plants.
- Gotcha, gotcha.
- You feel me?
You experience 66.2%
less gravity on mars.
You must maintain fitness
To prevent bone and muscle
loss in this experiment.
To conclude this, I
am iyd commander,
And if y'all need me, just
give me a "hootie-hoo"
- Or a "ye," and I
will be... - like a...
- Hootie-hoo!
- Ye!
Marshawn is base commander?
Okay. Y'all play too much.
Because how is he gonna
get all of us into formation
When he's never in formation?
Base commander...
Reporting for duty.
The benefit to
being a base commander
Is I got my own little bed,
got my own little bathroom.
I can dig it.
Marshawn, as base commander,
You must oversee
the base duties.
Marshawn.
- Okay, what is that?
- Ten cornflakes.
Ten cornflakes.
When you first
walk in the kitchen,
It's like, "yeah, it's got a
kitchen! Got everything!"
No! We don't have a stove.
We don't have an air fryer.
And we have a lot of food
that is air-sealed in bags.
So, one, two, three.
Which one did you
just take that from?
- And so this... -
let's not count that.
Five, six. This sucks. Eight.
We don't have enough rations
To last as long as
we need them to last,
So it's really cool that
we're growing stuff.
Two tangerine trees.
At home, I've been
known to kill all my plants,
So that was a very
rough start for me.
But ya gotta do the mundane
tasks to survive on mars.
Tell us what you
think these are.
Um, olives.
Okay.
- Here, I'll get them.
- Thank you. I cannot reach that.
So marshawn has given
me and adam the task
- Of polishing the patches.
- Whoa!
We hate to see it, you know?
I'm assuming that the patches
Are something that
people in this simulation
Might earn on a mission.
- I actually love cleaning and organizing so much.
- Me, too!
Do you like folding things?
Yes, I love folding my laundry.
- I love it.
- It's awesome.
- All of my things are
in beautiful... - same.
- Yeah, okay.
- Same. I love this for us.
- Yeah.
- I love this for us.
Crew, report for
sol one mandatory fitness.
You really call
yourself an athlete?
Shut up.
No...
Cycling is a... that's
an athletic thing?
You know, my sporting
career started 30 years ago,
And so some folks
might know me from that.
They might know me from having
just lived a very complicated public life.
But I come from
an endurance sport,
And to me, this entire endeavor,
that's all about endurance.
- How long is that race?
- Three weeks.
Yeah, I'm thinking you're
gonna say, like, 50 miles.
You know what the average
length of a football play is
From the time they
say, "down, set, hut,"
To the time the ref
blows the whistle?
- Seven seconds.
- Seven seconds.
Who's the athlete now?
Man, just 'cause you ride a bike
For three weeks, like,
how athletic is this?
Coming up...
- Emergency!
- Okay, look, y'all gotta listen.
If we don't hurry up,
we gonna miss the orbit.
I'm standing here
in a wind storm.
Time is of the assess...
Of the, essence.
The name of game,
someone has to go home.
Are you guys ready to
see who is mission critical?
Nah, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Can I get y'all for a second?
- Yes.
All right, what's up?
This was our first day on mars.
I cannot believe I'm here.
I'm in a spacesuit on
mars led by marshawn.
The job is well done on
the first day for the tasks,
So give y'all self a
round of applause.
I will say we did a good job.
We came together. You feel me?
We was able to accomplish some.
And then we got
sherman and chris.
They took care of the plants
and the farms and all that.
- We got 14 blueberry plants in there, guys.
- 18 olives.
Marshawn is a wildcard.
You don't know what he's gonna
say. He's an incredible commander.
I think you did a good job, iyd.
- What's iyd?
- I'm your daddy. Ay.
How am I supposed to be
the comedian with you around?
I think we're all still trying
to read each other out,
And we're trying to figure
out what are the strengths,
What are the
weakness of everyone?
How are we best
gonna work together?
Which is gonna be really important
the longer that we stay here.
I work out maybe, like,
I'm gonna say 50
times a whole year.
- So, you know...
- Hey, that's a lot.
Previous experiments have failed
because people socially and mentally crack,
And I feel like
the social aspect
Is more important than anything
Because as human beings,
That's kind of our
strength and our weakness.
Tallulah, your parents
are these amazing people
That have achieved all
these amazing things.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Do you have any advice for me for my daughter?
- My gosh.
- How to help her through that experience
Or how that affected you?
Yeah, I mean, I
grew up in idaho.
And I knew my
parents had this job
That made them this thing,
and we got to do cool stuff,
But I didn't fully understand.
The only thing that I knew
about tallulah coming in here
Was she has two
extremely famous parents...
Demi moore and bruce willis,
And tallulah is the
quintessential nepo baby.
So, yeah, she should own it.
It was, like, 2003.
My mom had just
started dating ashton.
It was that moment.
There was a lot going on.
And I really went
inside of myself.
And that did send me
into a total dumpster fire.
It was really hard,
and I'm still unpacking.
However, I found
the other side of that,
Which is I really
love myself now...
- As you should.
- And my family.
Yeah, and I love my family.
There's not a lot of
people that deal with that.
So she's one of the ones I was,
you know, more concerned about
And someone I was
thinking of like, my god,
We need to make
sure she's taken care of.
Are you married?
I have a five-year-old.
Aww! I have a four-year-old.
You do? Isn't that
the cutest age?
Yes! My god.
I think friendship
is the most important thing,
So I was connecting with
porsha because I think that
She and I have a similar...
You know, our kids
are the same age.
And you have one daughter
and then two stepsons?
No, my husband has five kids.
- Wow. My god.
- Is that your ring? Damn.
- Yeah.
- It's insane.
- That's a space rock right there.
- Thank you.
I would raise five
stepkids for that ring, sure.
How many
super bowl wins you got?
I only got one.
- Just one? What?
- One loss, one win.
I think it's important
to make friends here.
The first question is who
wants to be here till the end?
Marshawn is one of the
toughest humans on the planet.
He's certainly not
in any hurry to leave.
Now, going back to
something very serious.
- Can I borrow your bathroom?
- Hell, naw.
Please! I don't know that I
can go in the public thing.
I'm a little weirded out
by being in a bunk room
With six other dudes and sharing
a bathroom and sharing showers.
But time is of the essence.
Nah, you can't in there, brother.
- 100%?
- 100,000.
All right, I'll be right back.
He still moves well.
Look like he eating
lima beans and like that,
So there will not be
no lima bean
in my bathroom.
So I just realized I
made a huge mistake.
- So who did you think he was?
- Neil armstrong.
- I'm not kidding.
- Yeah. Foot in mouth syndrome?
- She thought he was an actual astronaut.
- I mean, it's funny.
That was part of my
fear coming on the show
Was I was gonna
say something stupid,
And I literally...
Like, I outdid myself.
Don't take yourself
too seriously.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
Commander signing off.
Good night, lance.
So far, I don't think we've really
started to test ourselves, right?
Living in a confined
space for weeks on end,
I think that's where this
thing will start to unravel.
You know, I really
have no idea what's in store for me,
But, I mean, what could
really prepare you for mars?
I don't know.
Emergency!
Coming up...
- Whoa.
- My god.
The solar winds,
man. This is crazy!
I think a lot of us would have
died if this was really mars.
- I can't muscle it.
- Aah!
All crew, report
to the command center.
- Emergency!
- Like astronauts on mars,
You will deal with
constant emergencies.
- Wake up!
- Come on, shawn! Emergency!
- Emergency!
- Here we go.
Here we go.
- Hello, mars crew.
- Guys, it's shatty daddy.
We have an emergency.
A fierce martian dust
storm is headed your way
And has already knocked over
The communication
satellite tower.
If you fail today,
earth will be destroyed.
I read that wrong.
Your link between mars
and earth will be destroyed.
Still a pretty big deal.
This mission will test
your leadership skills
And will earn you
a mission patch.
- Whoo!
- Whoa!
The badges.
I'm downloading
all of the information
For your base commander now.
Tallulah is your
mission specialist.
This is an important role,
As the mission specialist
is safe from extraction.
Tallulah?
Good luck, and remember,
if you need anything at all,
Anything, you're
completely on your own.
We got your back!
I got chosen for
mission specialist,
Which is very exciting.
Base commander
and mission specialist,
Remain at mission control.
Crew, prepare for deployment.
- Let's get it!
- Energy!
I know there's gonna be
a lot of going on.
So if we get to a point
where it's too much,
Don't be afraid to let me
know and I'll jump in there.
- Okay.
- But just remember,
At the end of the day,
all things fall back on me...
Let's save this satellite.
And I feel right now I'm
gonna be a reflection of you.
So make us both look good.
We are going to support our
crew getting that tower back up,
And in emergencies, we rally.
- One, two, three.
- Iyd!
There we go.
Going out there
to kick martian ass.
- This door?
- Hey, louis armstrong!
I got your back, boy!
Can you guys hear me?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
Okay, so here's
the mission brief.
We need our crew to
find three satellite dishes
And two antenna pieces
And then successfully
put back up
The fallen comms tower
Before the communication
window closes
And the mars orbiter
misses the ecliptic plane.
Copy that.
I'm panicked out of my mind,
But we also know that
the name of the game
Is that someone has to go home.
I'm very nervous I'm not
gonna be able to carry my weight.
This is not gonna go well.
- Let's go.
- Here we go.
Wow.
- Whoa.
- My god.
I'm having a hard time
Doing anything other
than, you know, breathing.
So I don't really think I
would make it as an astronaut.
Okay, so can we have
lance, ronda, and ariel
Try to find the two rovers
And turn the lights on
to illuminate the area?
- Got it.
- Here's the rover.
- Hey! Ariel!
- Good. All right.
So the rest of the crew,
you're gonna start to look
For all the broken
satellite components
And the antennas to the tower.
Please note that there
are three satellite dishes
And two antennas to repair.
- I got an antenna.
- Who is this talking?
I'm gonna need you to
identify yourself, gangsta.
Look! Right here, right here!
I don't know who
the hell designed this,
But this is really realistic.
It was pitch black and
there was, like, wind.
Then I realized I couldn't
breathe, that it was sand.
I'm definitely adding astronaut
to my bio on instagram.
We found the other one!
- Nice!
- Yes.
I've located a satellite dish.
- Is that tinashe?
- Yeah.
You think we attach
this on the other side?
- Yellow parts for here. Yellow.
- This way, this way.
I've never been to mars. I
don't know what's going on here.
This is not what
I signed up for.
- I thought we had two of them.
- I can't hear you, chris.
Remember, that's
three satellites.
All right, we're almost
there. Hold it. Is it straight?
Almost there.
We did it! We got this one!
Antenna one attached.
All right, let's do
the second one.
- Hey, sherm.
- What up?
How many people is
it actually gonna take
To get that one
satellite put together?
I can't hear you, shawn,
when everybody's talking.
It's chaos. Everybody's
talking at the same time,
And communication is critical.
And I think marshawn kinda
dropped the ball on that.
We got it. All right,
we got two up.
You got it? Okay, there you go.
All right, I'm
attaching satellite one!
I got it.
Hey, look, we got
three minutes left.
That's good.
Okay, look, y'all gotta
listen. Y'all gotta listen.
- Y'all gotta listen. Y'all gotta listen.
- What happened to that one?
It's tough walking
in these spacesuits
And you're having
dust blow everywhere.
You can't see a thing.
It was just a mess.
Hey, tom, is you all right, tom?
- Can I just get a confirmation from tom that he's okay?
- You're alive, bro.
Tallulah, I'm listening.
- Okay, there you go.
- Okay, okay. Come on, my guy.
You gotta just give us
a little something here.
- Here's a cable.
- All right, it's on. It's on. It's good.
All components attached.
Phase one complete.
- Whoo!
- There you go.
I was really just trying
to stay out of everyone's way
Hanging out in the loser area
with, you know, chris and adam.
The solar winds, man.
This is crazy.
Yeah, I think a lot
of us would have died
If this was really
mars up there.
Hey, look, I'm gonna
tell y'all you something,
But I'ma need y'all to
keep y'all composure.
If we don't hurry up, we gonna miss
the orbit, and we cannot miss the orbit.
Two minutes
remaining before satellite link fails.
You gonna physically lift the
tower with the winch and gauges.
Do you know what a winch is?
If it's anything like a
wrench, then we are...
- You can get there? We're good to go?
- Yeah.
- Where is the winch?
- What are we looking for?
I'm looking for where
to secure the winch.
- What?
- The winch.
- Where is the winch?
- It's a ring.
The winch is at the rover.
Copy. I got it.
Ariel, you're doing so amazing.
I got it.
You got
it? Okay, there you go.
Is that enough slack?
- A little more! Two more feet!
- More slack.
Me and tom are trying
to connect these two clips.
- One more foot! Seven inches!
- Almost!
- We're so close!
- So close! Almost there!
We're literally inches away.
It's moving! It's moving!
Wait, I need another inch.
- I can't muscle it.
- Time is running out.
Stay calm.
Wait, I need another inch.
Crew, you have one minute
To raise the
communications tower
And connect to the
incoming satellite.
- I can't muscle it.
- Yeah, it's...
I got... We're
good! We're good!
- We're good!
- We got it!
- There you go. Good job.
- Whoo!
Me and tinashe had
that sistine chapel moment,
And that was the final act
in order to raise the tower.
- That was some beast mode.
- Beast mode!
- There you go, baby.
- Are we pulling the winch or are we pushing the tower?
You're gonna physically lift the
tower with the winch and gauges.
Lift this?
What the... what are
you talking about?
How are we supposed
to lift the tower?
- Let's get it!
- Wait, we're not going to lift it yet.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Hey, shawn. Hey, shawn.
You have to tell us what to do.
We need to know
if we're lifting.
Make sure you don't put yourself
in a compromising position.
- All right, all right, let me get on it.
- Where do I go?
Everybody got they spot?
All right, ariel,
activate the winch.
All right, I'm doing it now.
Get it, ariel.
Winch enabled.
- Start lifting.
- Here we go.
- Here we go!
- 30 seconds remaining.
All right, that's looking good.
I was under that
thing pushing with all my might
- To try to get it up.
- Push it forward.
- There you go.
- You got it, guys. Let's go!
- You almost there.
- Come on!
- Heave!
- Ho.
It's gonna
turn green at the top,
And then that's when
we reestablish contact.
Nine, eight, seven...
- We need a screw.
- Yeah!
Whoo!
- All right.
- Yeah! Amazing!
Hey, that's a good job.
You guys, that was so beautiful
to see how you all came together
Under these really
intense circumstances.
- You did it! That was incredible!
- Yeah!
- So proud of you all.
- Thank you, tallulah.
Tallulah, you should be
a motivational speaker.
- Whoo!
- Ay, ay.
That's what I'm saying. I was
pleased to have you as my copilot.
It was an honor
to serve with you.
We did it!
So just knowing tonight
That someone's gonna be extracted,
there's gonna be an elimination,
It really puts a damper
on what should be
A celebratory climactic moment.
We made it!
- That was absolutely insane.
- Crazy.
That tested everybody.
- We are trauma bonded now.
- Yeah.
- We are!
- Incoming message from mission control.
Great work, crew. The
mission was a success.
Shatty daddy!
It's time for a tough decision.
One of your crewmates
must be extracted.
Who will be the first
to exit the simulation?
Good luck. Transmission over.
Base commander, you must decide
Which three people were
the least mission critical.
- Damn.
- Are you kidding?
As far as individuals
who was mission critical,
You know, porsha was engaged
in the things that were going on.
Yeah, and ariel felt like
she was very mission critical.
She was very mission critical.
And then you
have the individuals
Who had to reach
out a couple of times
And we wasn't getting
a response back.
- Let's do it.
- For sure.
Hey, family, what's going on?
Ay!
Y'all did a hell of a job
out there on the mission.
It was all worth
it to hear that.
Right on, right on, right on.
But now we get to the hard part.
So this is who
was mission critical.
Who was mission critical?
Um, besides myself.
So I will need porsha.
You're mission critical.
- Porsha!
- Big crit.
- Yes, porsha!
- Critical!
Porsha, you looking
dirty as hell, girl.
Whoo!
- Do you want your patch?
- Yes, yes!
- Congratulations.
- Thank you!
Leadership patch acquired.
Okay, next I will
be needing ronda.
Let's go! Legend!
As an athlete, I'm competitive.
And so if anybody
is going to thrive
In this kind of environment,
I feel like it's me.
Miss ariel. - Yep.
- Yeah!
- Definitely wanna stay,
But that mission was
absolutely chaotic.
Here's your leadership badge.
A badge! Yes!
You look like a
little oompa loompa.
Miss natasha. Critical.
- That is not mission critical.
- You wanna take it back?
And then next,
mr. Louis, aka lance.
- Yes, sir, lance!
- You are mission critical, young fella.
Come on, og. Damn.
Boy, you done got you
a tan out there?
Here's your leadership
patch, sir, and congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Boy, pick that long
ass head up, boy.
Richard!
Tinashe, come and step on through.
- Group huddle.
- Boys!
It was three frail
little white men, dude.
Look, family, we got
a decision to make.
As a collective, we'll come together and
figure out who was not mission critical.
We got tom, we got
adam, and we have chris.
And then I'm guessing
that'll be the individual
Who will take a long
walk off a short bridge.
- Let's stay huddled together.
- Unbelievable.
Good luck.
Now look, family, we
got a decision to make.
Out of these three,
who was mission critical?
Tom, chris, and
adam, step through.
The walk of shame.
Enter the decontamination zone.
Chris. -
We need to know why
you were mission critical.
I'm getting emotional.
There was 11 of
you on that field.
I was doing a favor by
stepping out of the way.
There was already too
many people involved.
It was chaotic. It was chaos.
- All right?
- I didn't communicate with chris.
I don't know what he was
doing during the mission.
He knew that he was a liability, and
he took himself out of the equation.
Right.
Gotcha, gotcha. Adam?
Well, I think I'm critical
Because I'm one of
the hottest people here.
- Period.
- I think that's important
For any kind of
challenge that we do here.
That's being honest. I
think that's being honest.
- He's right.
- That's true. That's true.
That's true.
Adam was kind of with me
'cause we didn't
really know what to do.
We were kind of trying to
pretend we were helping.
But we really were not helping.
Tom.
You know how when people
are under great duress,
Like a woman sees
her child under a car
And they get
superhuman strength?
For one moment, I had
superhuman strength.
- That is... - I got...
- We're good!
- We're good! We're good!
- We got it!
- There you go. Good job.
- We got it.
Tom was mission critical.
He was picking up things.
- He was definitely in the game.
- Any negatives?
- Not on tom.
- All right.
- Mission critical.
- Tom.
- You were mission critical.
- Hey, I don't wanna leave without you guys.
- I know. We love you.
- I love you, too.
- And you are very hot.
- Hottest one here.
- I missed you guys.
- Yeah, tom!
I was on the chopping block,
but I'm the best of the worst.
So that's something, you
know? That's something.
So we got chris and we got adam.
- They're making this really dramatic.
- I know!
- So I call him in?
- Yes, call him in.
- It's a unanimous decision.
- Yeah.
- The family has spoken.
- Do we hold hands, man?
Adam, you are
mission critical. Come on through.
Moving forward, we
just have to assume
Things are gonna go
awry and go wrong,
But I'm grateful to be
here for another day.
Chris, this means
you are not mission critical
And must leave the
hab immediately.
Find me on instagram.
- All right?
- Yes!
We love you, chris!
That was a short trip to mars.
Whoo!
I am not ready for mars.
I personally don't
think any of these stars
Are ready for mars,
except for maybe ronda rousey.
She could take
an alien, for sure.
When you got a commander and
your commander is commanding you,
If only y'all just stop
talking and listen.
No, if only y'all stop talking.
It's like when you
was telling pete.
You was like, "ay, pete, if you just
go weak, we'll score a touchdown."
- But this is... - and he, like,
run strong into the overlap.
I'm the commander.
The difference
between you and me
Is I'm standing
here in a wind storm.
Look... -
This season
on "stars on mars"...
You guys are
walking! Run your ass!
- You're gonna die!
- My god.
- You are killing me.
- My god, you guys.
Come on! What are you doing?
What's our battle cry again?
Yeah, I'm a little bit upset.
I've pissed off way
too many people.
No, no, no. Take this off.
- The water's getting out.
- Take this off.
Whoa!
If y'all vote me out, I'm going
kicking and screaming. I swear to god.