Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007): Season 5, Episode 12 - Wormhole X-Treme! - full transcript

A strange ship is headed towards Earth, and the SGC suspects that Martin Lloyd and his companions may have something to do with it. O'Neill is sent to speak to Martin and is assigned as a military consultant on Martin's new show, "Wormhole X-treme!", which uncannily resembles SG-1 despite Martin once again losing his memory. His former shipmates stall Carter and Daniel by throwing them off the trail and into the hands of the NID.

Previously on "Stargate SG-1":

I wanna know
who this man is.

OK, Martin, what's this about?

- Who's he?
- Murray.

You stopped taking yourmedication.

I'm not crazy,
and you're not a psychiatrist.

I'm running out of patience
and I really need to know.

- What's that?
- A mobile computing device.

I snuck it outta Tanner's bag.
It has multiple functions.

So you gonna drug me again?

It triggered what I laterrealised
was a suppressed memory.

I'm not just interested in outer space.

I'm from outer space.

Early this morning, approximately 0230,

the Kepler space probe captured
this image as it passed by Mars.

- What is it?
- At first JPL thought it was an asteroid,

but then they picked up
some strange energy readings.

They tracked the object and realised
it was changing course and accelerating.

Asteroids don't normally do that?

No, sir. The only logical
conclusion is that it's a ship.

- Do we have any way of identifying it?
- We do.

The energy signature is consistent with
a technology we've encountered before.

A year ago we found this pod
buried in a field near Billings, Montana.


You mean the little guy with the pills
and the glasses and...

- I thought his ship was destroyed.
- No, he said they came down in a pod.

After abandoning the ship. He never
said what happened to it after that.

If it is his ship, we better talk to him.

Because it's on a course for Earth
and it'll be here in three days.

Then we must locate
Martin Lloyd immediately.

Hurry up, Major,
we need that force shield!

I'm trying, but something's nullifying
the electrolyte on the generator!

Try reversing the polarity!

- It's not working!
- What do you mean?

- I mean it's not working.
- God help us.


And... cut!

That was awful. We have to do it again.

Check the gate. We are moving on.
Print everything! Nice job, people.

- Good moves, Shawn.
- Um...

Uh... yeah! Yeah, uh...
great... great job, everybody!

Uh... yeah!

Prepare foran x- treme adventure.

Fourx- cellent heroes in
an x- traordinary new sci- fi series.

Starring Nick Marlowe
as the wry Colonel Danning.

As a matter offact,
it does say Colonel on my uniform.

Hey, it's what I do.

Yolanda Reese as the brilliant
Major Stacey Monroe.

The field emitters are offline
but I can generate a feedback loop.

Raymond Gunne as DrLevant.

Dammit, just because
theirskulls are transparent,

doesn't mean that they don't have rights!

And introducing Douglas Anders
as Grell the robot.

Wormhole X- treme.
Coming this fall, only on...

Well, that looked... familiar.

- I don't see it.
- Martin's involved in this?

He sold the idea to the studio. He's on
the production as a creative consultant.

- Then Martin has breached your security.
- Not necessarily.

He got the whole thing from his
knowledge of the Stargate programme.

If the air force disapproved
it wouldn't have got this far.

Plausible deniability. In the event
of a future breach of security,

we will be able to point
to this TV programme.

If it stays on the air.

Doesn't change the fact
that Marty sold us out.

His motivations are of little concern.

Our first priority is to find out
all he knows about that ship.

Colonel, you're Wormhole X- treme's
new air- force consultant.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Bigger, much bigger.

- Copy that.
- OK, so tomorrow we got 46 extras.

Make sure everybody's ready. Hair,
make- up, wardrobe, costumes and props.

Has the props show- and- tell
happened yet? Man, he's gonna freak.

Excuse me. Do you know
where I can find a Martin Lloyd?

- He's one of the bigwigs around here.
- Copy that. Sorry?

- Martin Lloyd.
- Oh, yeah, over there, by the trailers.

- Thank you.
- Who's that guy?

Oh, they went with green?

OK, it looks good. Great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! What is that?

It's fruit. Scene 23.

OK, scene 23 takes place on another
planet. So you think aliens eat apples?

Why not? They speak English.

Get some kiwis and spray- paint them red.

OK. So, now it'll go, uh...

"Nick walks into the garden of kiwi trees,
says'How like Eden this world is',

and bites into a painted kiwi. "

OK, um, you're the prop master, right?
So, you're a master of props.

So, figure it out.

That's what you're wearing? OK.

- Looks good.
- Martin?

Yeah, yeah. Can I help you?


Colonel Jack O'Neill?
United States Air Force?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're
the new military technical adviser. Right.

Listen, uh, don't speak to the actors.

Martin, it's Jack.

- Remember Billings, Montana?
- I've never been.

- But I am going to Sundance this year.
- What about the name Tanner?

Dr Tanner?

Hammond? Carter?

- Murray?
- Sorry.

I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes,
and if I'm not there on time, well...

well, they start without me. But come
back tomorrow and I'll show you around.

No. Look at my lips. Big- ger.

- What have you got forus?
- Well, here's news.

I think Martin's had
his memory erased again.

Claims he doesn't rememberme
oranything about last year.

- Tanner must have gotten to him first.
- Yeah, well, I checked out his trailer.

I didn't find any medication,
but there are a lot of vitamins.

Send in a sample for analysis.
In the meantime, keep an eye on Martin.

Yes, sir.

Sir, if Tanner is involved,
Colonel O'Neill could use some backup.

I agree with you, Major.
You leave in one hour.

I cannot thank you enough, Colonel.

It's been many bleems
since my people were enslaved

by the minions of Lord Varlock.

Hey, it's what I do... do.

- Aw, this isn't working!
- Cut!

- Nick, what's up?
- It's meant to be a love scene.

We're walking through dead aliens!

Right. It's continuity.
You just killed them all.

Yeah, yeah. Well, can't...
can't we walk somewhere else?

Well, Nick, there is no somewhere else.

This is the planet we have,
between here and here. That's the set.

The reality of the scene dictates that there
be dead aliens, cos you just killed them.

- We can always go back to the script.
- No, we can't.

We've established that
one shot stuns, two shots kills.

- Nick just shot everybody twice.
- So three shots disintegrates them.

OK, you know what?
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that

because that is quite possibly the
stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.

Why are you looking at me like
I'm an idiot? Why are you on set?

Go write something.

Ooh! What colour is the beam
from the ray gun?

We can't afford a beam. Sound effects.

- It'll be great. You'll see. Reset!
- Back to ones.

Look, Nick, Nick, Nick. It'll be in close- up.
The dead aliens'll be below frame.

The audience is
gonna know they're there.

OK. Kill the dead aliens.

- Aliens off the set!
- Aliens off the set!

I said "Aliens off the set. "

Hey... it's what I do.

It's what I do. It's what I do.

- You're the new military adviser?
- Yes.

You're the real deal, huh?

- You seen action?
- That would be classified.

Oh, I like that.

Sorta like a "yes", but really a "no".

This is realistic, right?

The uniform.


Oh, yeah. Yeah. You don't want to be
a target out there in... space.

That's exactly what I said. So why
aren't the aliens ever in camouflage?

Oh, I... I fought for that, uh, Nick.

But the studio wants the aliens seen.

An alien wouldn't want
to be seen, Martin. Think.

Maybe that's why they're dead.

That helps me. Thanks.

- Can we do this?
- Doing this!

The X. I know what you're thinkin'.

Um, it's a marketing thing.

You see, I wanted to call the show
Going to OtherPlanets,

but research says that shows with
X in the name get higher ratings.


Aaaa- aaaa- aaaaand action!

The ship's on schedule. Preparations
for departure are almost complete.

There's only one problem.

This is gonna complicate matters.

Very well. You have my authorisation
to begin surveillance.

Keep a low profile, Major.
We don't want to show our hand.

- Dr Fraiser.
- Surveillance on Martin Lloyd, I assume?

His house, actually, to help determine
if Martin's old friends have returned.

- Tanner.
- Tanner may have been watching Martin.

Carter and Jackson will try to intercept
frequencies broadcast from his house.

Oh, so like a surveillance surveillance?

In a way. Are those the test results from
the vitamins found in Martin's trailer?

Yes. They contained
a significant amount of the chemical

that Tanner used to block
Martin's memory before.

Which confirms
what we already suspected.

The question is,
what do they want Martin to forget?

- Excuse me.
- No, because it undermines my authority.

- Guys...
- Ah, Miss Reese.

Uh, I'm having trouble with scene 27.

It says I'm "out of phase", so I can
pass my hand through solid matter

- or walk through walls.
- Yeah, yeah, cos you're "out of phase".

Um, exactly.

So, how come I don't fall
through the floor?

- We'll have to get back to you on that.
- All right.

- Hi.
- Hi.

No takers?

This crew does not appear to enjoy
the traditional dishes of Chulak.

- Show biz, huh?
- What happened to all the doughnuts?

They were consumed by the drivers
before they retired to sleep.

We wish to converse privately.

Leave us!

- Carter and Daniel?
- The investigation is ongoing.

Sure the signal's coming
from inside Martin's house?

I've gone over the triangulation three
times. I just have to match the frequency.

Hold it. I've got somethin'.

- Hidden cameras.
- Just like last time.

Huh, look, I know it says
he's weightless in the script,

but look what happens when
I scratch out the word "weightless".

You see? He no longer
becomes "weightless".

- He just "becomes".
- OK. Fine. Good.

But how else does Colonel Danning
get past the giant alien guard?

Why doesn't he just shoot him?

- Who is this?
- Colonel Jack O'Neill.

He's the new adviser. He doesn't know
he's not supposed to say anything yet.

And you're telling me an officer can shoot
an alien without having to be weightless?

- Sure. Why not?
- I'd like to hear "Why not?" more often.

Now, the spaceship in scene 53.

We have to see the ship.
It's crucial to the episode.

We're gonna see it in their reactions.
It's like, my God, look at that ship! It's...


All right, you can do it. For $5, 000 less,
you can keep it in. Are we done?

Uh, Marty has a problem
with a scene in act three.

Oh, is that a fact, Marty?

You have two- way travel
through a wormhole.

- So?
- That's impossible.

Matter can only move one way
through an open wormhole.

The scene is scientifically unsound.

OK, show of hands. Who here
has won a Cable Ace Award? Hm?

Thank you.

Oh, nice save with the
shooting- the- giant- alien beat. Clever!

- Billy, make it go!
- Making it go. Back to ones, folks!

I am the creative consultant on this show,

which means that nothing should happen
creatively without me being consulted.

He consulted you. He just didn't listen.

You know what he did before? A show
about a talking dog who solves crimes.

So what if they had 100 episodes?

- Poochinsky?
- Yes, Poochinsky.

Great show. Hey, Marty!


what makes you so sure matter can
only travel one way through a wormhole?

I must've read it somewhere.

And this secret government team
that goes to other planets.

- Where'd that come from?
- It's based on a story I wrote last year.

I couldn't get it published. I was about to
give up, and I got a call from the studio.

To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure
how they got hold of it.

So, you just made it up?

Never ask a writer
where he gets his ideas.

In truth, we don't know.

- O'Neill.
- Colonel, we were right.

Tanner and the others
have Martin under surveillance.

It can't be a coincidence. It has to be
to do with the arrival of that ship.

They may have tried to infiltrate
the studio. I'll see what I can dig up.

Fire in the hole!

Bigger! What is it about the word
"bigger" that you don't understand?

The auditions are
in that building over there.

I'm not auditioning. I'm with the air force.

Colonel Jack O'Neill.


Do you keep a record
of everyone who comes and goes?

It's for a security check.

One of our generals is doing a guest spot
on the show. It's a small but pivotal role.

I've got the licence plates
of every vehicle on file.

Great. Would you mind
emailing them to that address?

- OK. Sure.
- Thank you.

I like the uniform.

Why would somebody
with two PhDs become a teamster?

The money, I guess.

Wait a minute. This guy looks familiar.

You're right. That's one of Tanner's men.

Oh, according to this, he's a production
assistant named Steve Austin.

I think we better pay Steve a little visit.

- He's on his way up.
- Copy.


So, where the hell did he go?

Princess, I've seen a lot over the years:
the crystal rivers of Aradale,

the blue volcanoes of Kash- tol- remi,

even the starfires of Grablek 6,

but none of it compares to you.

What the...?

- Cut!
- What was that? Who was that?

- Tail slate.
- I want a name.

It's me. Sorry, Nick.

No problem. I'm sure it's important.

- OK, that's lunch.
- Let me show you somethin' in my trailer.

- O'Neill.
- Sir, we lost him.

One minute he was here,
the next he was gone.

- Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.
- We do have one lead, though.

He made a quick phone call. We traced it
to a warehouse on the East Side.

Bring backup this time.

We don't have long before the ship enters
orbit. You'll have to confront Martin.

I will.

Let's go. You know what I was thinkin'?

You know what this show needs?
A sexy female alien.

- Trust me.
- Marty! Marty, you got a second?

Oh, well, now's not really a good time.
I'm supposed to have...

OK, now's good.

"The colonel stood before
the pool of shimmering light,

fascinated by the dancing ripples
in the event horizon. "

"What mysteries lay beyond
this mystical portal?"

"What wonders awaited him
and his band of stalwart cohorts?"

- Pretty good, huh?
- Damn good.

The only difference from the original is
that there was a fifth member of the team.

He was a handsome, smooth- talkin' alien

who was stranded on Earth
when his crew deserted him.

The, uh, producers
made me cut that part out.

You have no clue
where you got this idea?

Well, like I said...

Martin, it's all true.

- What are you talking about?
- Wormholes, travelling to other planets:

it's all real.

I command a unit called SG-1.

It's the advance team
of a secret military operation.

We explore the universe
through a device called the Stargate.

- The crew put you up to this, didn't they?
- Here's the kicker, Marty.

You know all about it.
You've been through the Stargate.

Unfortunately, you've had
your memory erased.

So, what? Um...
I'm a member of this SG-1?

- No.
- Then, how do I know about it?

Because you're not
just interested in outer space.

You're from outer space.

Is this a pitch? Alien crash- lands.
We have to find him before it's too late.

- Only, his memory's been erased.
- Martin.

No, no, no. It's not bad.
If we just add a twist...

I'm needed on the set.

Why don't you type up what you have?
I'll take a look at the coverage on it.

Oh, uh...

No promises.

- Perimeter's secure. Awaiting orders.
- Let's move in.

Move in! Move in!

Nobody move!

Drop your weapons! Drop them!

- Lower your weapons!
- You drop your weapons. Now.

I'm Major Carter, United States Air Force.

And I'm Agent Malcolm Barrett, NID.

- NID? What the hell's going on here?
- We've been set up.

Hello? Someone paged me to stage six!



- Hey!
- Ah!

Marty, relax.

What's goin' on?

I guess the crew's just playing a prank

by paging me to a stage
we're not shooting on.

It... it happens all the time. It's, uh...

out of respect, really.

Huh! Hey, n- nice one, guys!

All right, stay with me.

Hello, Colonel.

Tanner, I presume.

- Is he with you?
- Don't worry, Martin.

Everything will become clear in time.

Gentlemen, the colonel's weapon.

- This is really bad.
- Relax.

They're shooting the big finale.
I have to be there.

I can see how that's high on
your list of priorities right now.

Couldn't you have dealt with them?
Why drag me into it?

Marty! You are the reason we're here.

Oh, don't start with
that outer- space stuff again.

Martin, the vitamins you've been taking

are laced with a chemical that suppresses
your memory. I had'em analysed.

OK, fine. I'm an alien.

- Whatever.
- They are aliens too.

- They're from your planet.
- That is the stupidest act- four opening.

You should stick with the air force.
A writer, you're not.

Hey, how go the travel plans?

Spaceship on time and all?

I only ask cos I care.

Uh, guys, I'm kinda out of the loop here.

But, um, since I work in the TV business
and I don't really know anything,

I was wondering if you would consider,
uh, letting me go, bec...


I'm hoping that's your insulin shot.

Honestly, needles make me kinda queasy.

Don't worry. Just a little something
to help you remember.

Oh, just tell me what you want me
to remember and I'll remember it.

Yeah, yeah, we'll rewrite it. It'll be great.

- Let's go over this again.
- You want a diagram?

- They led us straight to you.
- The aliens?

Yes, the aliens. Please, Mr Man in Black,
don't pretend you don't know about them.

Now we can't get ahold of Colonel O'Neill.

We have to go to the set,
find out what's going on.

You're going nowhere. The NID's been
given full authority over this investigation.

- O'Neill.
- Teal'c.

- How'd you find us?
- I witnessed your abduction.

- Where's Tanner?
- He and his men have again disappeared.

The real money's in syndication.

Martin. Martin, come on.

If you wanna have lunch,
call my assistant.


Colonel O'Neill?


- You remember?
- Yeah.

The antidote worked.
I remember everything now.

Marty, what happened?
Why'd they drug you again?

They didn't.

- I did it to myself.
- For what reason?

When we went back to my planet and we
saw that it was gone, I couldn't handle it.

And the real- estate job was driving me
crazy. I just wanted to forget everything.

You were gonna
keep takin' pills all your life?

Another month and the long- term
memory loss would've been permanent.

Oh... oh, no!

- What is the matter, Martin Lloyd?
- The show is based on your programme.

Don't worry. It's on cable.

So, why'd they bring you
out of it? Why now?

The ship's coming. We put it on a timer.

A backup plan in case
things didn't go right here.

- Why do they need you?
- I have the mobile computing device

I stole from Tanner.
They need it to access the ship.

- Where is it?
- Don't worry. It's in a safe place.

- And rolling!
- Sound, speed.

- Scanning with the Quatroscanner.
- I don't have it.

- Cut!
- Don't stop rolling!

Still speeding.

Kenny, run, you underpaid,
below- the- line freak!

- Billy, roll right now!
- Roll.

Kenny, I love you,
but you're not in this scene! Out!

- Billy!
- Roll!

Speed! Speed! Speeding!


It has to be here somewhere.

You used a real alien device
as a prop on the show.

Well, I'd forgotten what it was at the time.

Do you have any idea
what it costs to make one of these?

- Can I help you?
- We're looking for the Quatroscanner.

- Ah. It's at the location.
- What?


- Somebody put it in the scene.
- How come?

I don't know. I just do my job, man.

- Let's go.
- Murray.

Yeah, get me Agent Barrett.

All right, good work. Let's go, guys.
We got'em. You two stay here.

- What?
- We want this ship. It's too important.

Frankly, I don't trust you.

Agent Smith, watch over these two
and make sure they don't move.

Let's go, guys.

Murray, look around.
Marty, you're with me.

I'm picking up the same gamma radiation
we came across in the photon belt.

That doesn't make sense. Those
aliens couldn't have just disappeared,

could they... have?

And turn, turn... Doug!

Cut! Perfect! And tail slate.

Good. Doug, you were supposed to
turn to me. OK, print everything!

Moving on!

- Good scene.
- Thanks.

You really nailed it.
Let me take this stuff for you.

Here you go.


- Let's go.
- No, they're about to shoot the big finish.

- Too bad.
- I'm not leaving, Colonel.

OK, maybe I am.

You can control the ship
from here with this?

Uh, maybe, but do I have to?

Yes, Marty, you...

You can hand me the device, Colonel.

- Well, this is gettin' old.
- Lower your weapons.

- Looks like we have a situation.
- No, guys, you can walk away from this.

- We're not gonna come after you.
- What about your friends at the NID?

No more hiding. Where's the device?

What device?

Colonel, we let you escape because we
knew Martin would lead you right to it.

That's me. Mind if I...?

- O'Neill.
- Sir, it's me.

- Hey, how you doin'?
- The NID have made your position.

They'll be there any minute.

- Everything all right?
- It is now.

I'll be in touch.

Time's up, guys. The NID's on its way.


They're too late! I'm OK, Murray.

We should return to the portal
before the aliens return.

What? What? I haven't finished
translating the alien text.

Grell, what do you think?

What the hell is that?

- Is that ours?
- Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

Yeah, keep rolling!
Pan around, you monkeys!

Hey, what's this about? I'm supposed
to be in all the cool scenes!

Tilt up! Tilt up!

Colonel, please. You know as well as I do
they're never gonna leave us alone.

There's nothing for us here.
It's time for us to go.

You officially owe me one.

- What about Martin?
- I believe Martin has chosen a new path.

We're gonna win an Emmy for this!

Visual Effects category.

Thank you, Colonel. We won't forget this.

Cut it! Print it! That's a wrap!

Yeah, cut!

Cool special effect.

- I've seen better.
- Ah, we'll fix it in post.

Yeah. So, you think we can get 18 in?

Yeah, if we cut back on the mulligans.
You think that's funny?

Yeah, it's good enough for a walkaway.

When's a good time to fade out?

Uh, right about...


Stay tuned fora behind- the- scenes
look at Wormhole X- treme!

I'm Christian Bocher.
I'm portraying Raymond Gunne,

who portrays the character of Dr Levant,

which is based on the character,
uh, Daniel Jackson,

portrayed by the actor, Michael Shanks,
originally portrayed by James Spader -

in the feature film.

Are you OK?

- Action!
- Look out!


Agh! Ow! Argh!

And... cut!

- No, no, no!
- Are you OK?

No, I'm not OK! You... you go!

- Ice. Can I get some ice?
- All right, let's get some ice in here.

- And this is the eye line.
- Wormhole X- treme.

Enjoy the space. You can do
anything with space. You know...

You got the space between your teeth,
the space... personal space...

Right. OK. So... you're standing here.

As a matter of fact, it does say
Colonel on my uniform.

You know, it doesn't say Colonel.

- Did anyone ever think of that?
- Um, it's just a figure of speech.

It's a figure of speech I can't figure out.
I'm not seeing Colonel on my uniform.

Uh, OK, somebody get me the word
"Colonel". Uh, gimme a Sharpie pen.

Could it be here? Could it be here?

- You realise this is not a real show.
- You saying Wormhole X- treme isn't real?

- All this is...?
- It's not a real show. It's a fake show.

Did my agent know about this?

You're heroic. Just look
over at this eye line.

- This isn't a real show?
- No, it's not a real show.

If it's not a real show,
why are you telling me what to do?

How could this not be a real show,
if we're doing it right now?

- Am I getting paid real money?
- Yeah, real money.

Well... Whoa. So what
plane of reality are we on right now?

Hey, it's what I do.

Are you sure you can't see the difference
in our height? Can I get a half apple?

I'm looking up her nose.
You don't have to hit me that hard.

You can really see
the difference in height.

- You... No, I don't, uh... It's not obvious.
- Look, look, I'm gonna measure it.

- I'm like, I'm like...
- No, but on this lens, it looks right.

From this angle,
we look the same height?

- I swear to God.
- You wouldn't lie to me?

- How come I never get to kiss anybody?
- Well, it's, uh...

- Episodes are being written for you soon.
- Sure.

Just one eyebrow.

No, just the one.

And turn your back to me.

Turn all the way around to me and do
that annoying thing and then look away.

And... action.

- How could this not be a real show?
- Oh, forget it. Just turn.

Visiontext Subtitles:
Marisa Castle de Joncaire