Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007): Season 3, Episode 16 - Urgo - full transcript
The SG1 team embark on a trip to visit a planet with an idyllic beach, but as soon as they step through the stargate, they find they are back in the SGC. They thought that they just left, ...
There's a sustainable atmosphere.
Temperature's 78?F,
barometric pressure is normal.
No obvious signs of civilisation.
P4X-884 looks like
an untouched paradise, sir.
Appearances may be deceiving.
- One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
- A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Never run with scissors?
- Were you trying to make a point, Major?
- Yes, sir.
We should perform a recon mission.
Mineral and biological survey - to see if
884 is a viable site for a research colony.
- Very well. You have a go.
- Mmm! Mineral survey. My favourite!
- Colonel.
- I know, General.
It's all fun and games
until someone breaks a nail.
Au revoir, mon general.
- I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
- Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao.
Ciao means adios.
Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara.
Which all, loosely translated, mean...
..goodbye?
Stand down.
What happened?
- What happened?
- That's what I just asked you.
Will someone please explain?
General, we just left. We went through
the gate and we came back... here.
Major, you've been gone over 1 5 hours.
Blood work is normal.
So far, you check out fine.
What about the lost time?
Could we have been
drugged with something?
There's no new marks on your skin to
indicate injections or any kind of struggle.
What's the last thing you remember?
We were walking up the ramp.
O'Neill was explaining
the meaning of ciao.
We stepped through,
we stepped back through.
That's... what happened
as far as we're concerned.
When you didn't come back,
we sent a second MALP.
All it showed was the same image
of the alien planet we saw before.
There was no sign of you
and no response to our radio call.
That's why there were two MALPs
in the gate room.
Both came back just before you.
We assumed you sent them.
It wasn't us, sir.
This is the Mark Il MALP's transmission.
- That's what we saw, Major.
- Yes, sir. Same as the first.
Except where is it?
If this is the second MALP, we should see
the first MALP near the Stargate.
Isn't that thing supposed to...
probe a little?
Well, then there'd be tracks, sir,
and there are none in this image.
Watch what happens when you run
the playback frame by frame.
There.
- (Jackson) Hello.
- What is it?
I'm not sure. Their technology
is advanced beyond ours.
- Then the previous image was faked?
- There's no other explanation, sir.
The images portraying this planet
seem to have been manufactured...
- ..and then broadcast back to us.
- (Hammond) Why?
Possibly with the intended purpose
of luring us into this room.
See? I knew it was too good to be true.
Wow! This coffee's great.
I was just thinking that.
- Yeah, is that cinnamon?
- It's, uh... it's chicory.
Mmm, chicory.
Teal'c?
Ah!
- Isn't that hot?
- Extremely.
Just... stay on the base.
We're going to need to keep an eye
on you for the time being.
- I feel fine.
- As do l, Daniel Jackson.
For someone who just drank
half a gallon of steaming hot coffee!
Right.
- Hungry?
- Yeah.
Try the pie.
So I'm running a full diagnostic on that...
- Wow!
- Oh, yeah.
- This is the best pie I've ever had.
- Well, what's so different about it?
- Same old pie.
- It is most satisfying.
- Why do they taste so good?
- I don't know.
All I do know is...
I don't even like yoghurt.
(Tannoy) SG-1, report to med lab 3.
Wait. Sorry... Sorry.
(Dr Fraiser) The scans have a percentage
of error. It looks like an errant pixel.
But it's in the same place
on each of the scans.
Yeah. Thank you.
So I had to run
a comparative analysis to be sure.
It's in the exact same spot
in each of your brains but...
..you're talking about something
smaller than a pinhead.
Barely large enough to show on an X-ray.
Right. Which is why I also needed
to run an electron resonance scan, and...
This is, uh,
magnified several thousand times, sir.
That thing's in all of us?
I'm afraid so.
Can these devices be removed?
Not without causing
irreparable brain damage, sir.
What's the downside?
How they were implanted without
any injury to the cortex is beyond me.
- What threat do they pose?
- All desserts on base are in grave danger.
An electromagnetic field is being emitted.
But I'm not sure what that means.
All we've noticed are some cravings
and an increased acuity in our senses.
Especially taste and smell.
Until we find out the true purpose
of these objects, I'm quarantining you...
..with a 24-hour guard.
(man) Boring!
- Who said that?
- It wasn't me.
What d'you say we all go do somethin'?
Teal'c?
- Did you hear that?
- I did.
- Who's there?
- OK!
I'll make it so that you can all see me,
but only because you asked.
- You all can see me, right?
- Apparently.
Oh, good, I'm so glad.
Hello, hello, hello. (chuckles)
- Now you all say it.
- (all) Hello, Urgo.
(laughs) You're all much better-looking
on the outside than on the inside.
On the inside, it's so complicated.
Oooh, please!
Airman!
Could you come here?
Do you see an intruder
in this room anywhere?
No, sir.
Right. Dismissed.
(chuckles)
- All right. What are you?
- Urgo.
Which might explain why
we all just said "Hello, Urgo."
- No, you are not dreaming.
- You read our thoughts?
Don't panic. Just the thoughts
you're having at the moment.
Of course.
You're... actually in our heads, aren't you?
You are so smart, Samantha.
I love that about you!
Carter?
The technology
implanted in our brains, sir.
We're looking at a visual communication
interface: controlled hallucination.
So...
I...
- Uh... What?
- He gets confused!
By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?
This is incredible. I mean,
the devices must be linked somehow.
Dr Fraiser said they're emitting
a small EM field - Iike radio frequencies.
The devices in our brain are
some sort of wireless computer network?
Yeah, an incredibly sophisticated one,
able to work over significant distances.
We were all drawn to the commissary
when Colonel O'Neill was eating dessert.
- He can make us do stuff?
- No, never.
In spite of what you're thinking, never.
But you can make suggestions,
can't you?
- And enhance our sensory perception.
- Like making things taste better.
- Well, didn't it?
- Well, why not?
I mean, he's tapped into our brains.
He's making us all see and hear him.
Boring! By the way,
who decorated this room?
It is so plain!
Don't tell me your whole planet's
like this. Not the whole planet!
Hey, couldn't we go someplace else -
that's not here?
Someplace, y'know...
..that's not here?
Um... Kree!
Anywhere. (whispers) Boring.
OK. So what does he look like?
A famous tenor.
What's this?
And you're seeing the exact same thing
at the exact same time?
Yep.
- What is this?
- It's a defibrillator.
Ahhh, interesting. Thank you.
Is it... defibrillating... now?
He, um...
it seems to crave new experiences.
The paddles administer a shock to people
whose hearts are beating irregularly.
Ah! And then they feel better?
Does it feel good? Does it hurt?
- Woo! It hurts!
- I would think so.
- Let's try it.
- No, I don't think so.
Why not?
It's not gonna kill you, is it? Or is it?
It talks to you?
It's experiencing things through us,
using our senses to collect information.
Try the paddles.
So do you experience any...
physi...cal sensations?
Hey!
- Teal'c!
- Will you loosen up?
Hey... I'm loose.
He doesn't have total control over us.
Just the power of suggestion.
He can also enhance our enjoyment
of experiences in order to motivate us.
Really?
- He's unresponsive to direct questioning.
- No. No, that's not true.
I'm picking your brains.
You can pick mine. I'll tell you anything.
Ask me. Ask me anything. What? What?
- How do we remove you from our brains?
- Oh... (blows raspberry) Except that!
- Duh!
- You said anything.
Why do you wanna remove me
from your brains? I'm in your brains.
I know you like me. You can't fool me.
No, Urgo. We don't like you.
- Oh, admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?
- No smidgen.
I wouldn't blame you.
I have endearing qualities.
- He will not cooperate, O'Neill.
- Why, you...!
Years from now,
when you think of me, you'll say...
.."How did I ever get along without
that wonderful constant companion?"
Woof.
- Years from now?
- Woof?
There is no way to remove me
from your brains. Forget about it.
What are you doing there
in the first place?
Well... (chuckles) She got it. You got it.
I'm here to learn.
I'm here to experience your world.
So we've been tagged - Iike we do with
wild animals when we wanna study them.
- We are not wild animals.
- Speak for yourself, big fella.
Hang on a second. The race who created
you and put these things in our brains.
They're gonna want the information
you're collecting.
- I suppose.
- So how do they get it?
- You don't wanna know.
- Let's say I do.
You will never have to find out.
Aren't you programmed?
I mean, how can you defy your creators?
Because they're evil, scary evil, and we
don't want anything to do with them.
If we contact whoever created
the technology...
That would be bad. Very bad.
- Why should we listen to you?
- OK.
I know you only like me a little bit, but I
like you a lot and I do not want you to die.
- Die?
- Yes, as in dead. They're gonna kill ya.
They open your brains
with a giant can-opener,...
..and then they scoop me out
with a big scoopy thing.
That's how it works.
It's death... or me.
Me or death. You have to decide.
Me... or death.
Well?
We're thinking.
(Urgo) Me me me me me-me me me-me
Me, me, me me me
Me me me me me-me-me
Me-me me-me me me me me-me me
(singing continues)
- Will you stop it?
- Jeez!
Please.
So this technology
is living vicariously through you.
I say we risk it all
and go back to the planet.
What if he's telling the truth
about his creators?
- There's no way to get him out of us here.
- No. No way.
- No.
- See? (chuckles) She knows.
Maybe there's another way.
I haven't studied the technology,...
- ..but I can figure out how to turn him off.
- Turn me off?
- Please.
- Don't waste your time. It's impossible!
Hey! I got an idea.
Why don't we play hide-and-seek?
You hide and I'll, you know...
I'm not gonna cheat.
You know, cos I have... But I'm not...
One, two, three...
- Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.
- Thank you.
..six, seven, eight,...
..nine, ten.
I don't have time to play, Urgo.
I don't care if I'm "it".
I have work to do!
No, I am not hungry.
Go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill.
- I'm very busy right now.
- Major.
- Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
- I see.
- Oh, I wish you did.
- Urgo, Major Carter would like...
Uh, Janet, he's... over here.
Well then, Urgo,
Major Carter would like to be left alone.
Janet, um,
as much as I appreciate it, please...
- Urgo, that is rude!
- What did he say?
Uh... if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do.
Doctor, are we entirely sure that the
members of SG-1 are... What's the word?
- Sane?
- That's the one.
Yes, sir. Everything we hear or see
is processed in the brain.
Urgo is creating an image of himself
that they're responding to.
If you say so.
Way off. Not even close.
Not a chance. Forget about it.
- Carter.
- I believe I have a solution, sir.
Please!
The electromagnetic field indicates
these devices are based on electronics.
- So smart and yet... so wrong.
- I don't think so.
- An EM pulse should do it, sir.
- Ahhh!
- Ow!
- Oh! Ooh.
- Urgo, that's hot!
- I didn't mean to.
Yes, you did. Now stop it.
Urgo's been trying to distract me
since I started thinking about it,...
..so I'm probably on the right track.
I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm really sorry.
- I'll live.
- She forgives me.
A strong EM pulse can knock out
most electronic-based technologies.
It would be harmless to us
but it should render Urgo impotent.
Could you, uh... rephrase that? Uh...
- Do it.
- (Urgo) Oh, please. Please don't do this.
Hey, listen. I didn't mean to scald you.
I-l like you. I really, really do.
Uh, please. It was an accident.
This room is shielded, so it won't affect
any of the base's technology.
Don't do this, please.
What can I do to make you like me?
- You sure this won't hurt us?
- No. It's gonna hurt me.
- We won't even feel it.
- But I will.
I throw myself at your mercy.
Please, have mercy! (nervous laugh)
Ooh, I know. I can be smaller.
- How's this?
- Ready?
I'm here. Look how teeny-weeny I am!
How could anything this teeny-weeny
hurt anybody?
Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull?
What a nice grey. Want some white bread
with mayonnaise? Wanna watch golf?
- Will you flip that switch?
- No. Oh. How about this?
Can you resist this?
Oh, don't do that. Oh, sacrebleu!
I'm melting. I'm melting!
What a world! What a world...
Pulse hasn't gone off yet. It's on a timer.
Oh. How much time do l...
- That's it?
- Yep.
- I feel no differently.
- Listen.
What?
Exactly.
Way to go, Sam.
We'll see.
The devices are still present, but the EM
field that was emitted by them is gone.
Everything else checks out.
Request permission for SG-1
to go back to work... sir.
- Give it a week.
- A week?
Well... everything looks normal.
- How are you feeling?
- Great. I just wanna get back to work.
Next weekend,
Cassandra and I are going to the lake...
..and we're going to rent a rowboat.
Like to come?
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Great.
- Can you send Daniel up next?
- Yeah. OK.
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is...
(O'Neill) ..merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
And row, row, row your boat...
(Jackson) Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily...
(Teal'c) Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
(all continue singing the round)
I was not singing.
I'd know if I was singing.
I don't even know the words to...
..merrily
Life is but a dream
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
OK. If you call that singing.
Urgo.
I couldn't help myself!
No!
- I was so sure it would work.
- Oh, it did. Don't feel bad.
It did work for a while. Everything went
away. It was very sad. Very, very sad.
And then all of a sudden I was back
in your brains where I belong.
The system must have
some sort of reset. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too, because as long as that
device is capable of influencing you,...
- ..you're relieved of active duty.
- General, is that necessary?
Whether you admit it or not,
you've been compromised.
The fact is, an alien entity
has control over you - however limited.
- We don't know what it's capable of.
- He can't make us do anything, sir.
Then why did I treat your arm for a burn?
Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
- I didn't mean to.
- He didn't mean to.
It was not his intention.
I trust I've made my point.
Come on, Urgo. Be a mensch.
How do we get rid of ya?
I have no idea. I really... I just don't know.
- He really may not know, sir.
- How could he not know?
- He's just the program.
- Program?
Your software doesn't know
how your computer works.
Hey! My software doesn't make me sing
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
Don't fight. I'm here.
What's the difference how?
I'm not gonna make another noise.
Not a peep. Nothing.
I'm gonna be quiet, like a little
tiny mouse - not a peep. Watch.
I got an idea! Why don't we play a game -
some sort of a wonderful game?
Something with a dictionary. It's fun.
You know, you get a word and...
you write what you think the word is.
It's a lot of laughs - and educational.
It's really nice. I think you'll like it.
Chevron seven encoded and locked.
- What's that?
- Actually, it's our version of you.
But not as suave and sophisticated,
n'est-ce pas?
It's equipped with sensors,
video camera, microphone.
- We use it to explore, like you do...
- Carter.
Sorry. I don't know why
I was telling him that.
Hello!
Oh! How beautiful!
Can we go there?
It's an illusion. Your creators do this
in order to lure people into their trap.
See, I told you they were mean.
That's mean!
The MALP is on-line, General.
This is General Hammond of Earth.
We know the images being transmitted
to us are false. We request a dialogue.
Please respond.
(whispers) Why is he doing that?
We want to communicate
with your creators.
No. Bad. No.
It's our last alternative before we
resort to actually going back there.
You were just thinking of Maui,
with the big beaches and the little bikinis.
That's where we should go, cos it's nice
and warm there - instead of being here.
(male voice) Who dares challenge Togar?
(whispers) That voice. That's him!
Dr Jackson?
This is Dr Daniel Jackson.
We don't mean to challenge you.
We've found your devices in our brains.
We'd like you to remove them. Him.
Him?
- Urgo.
- How do you know this name?
He told us.
- He interacts with us.
- He's driving us crazy!
That is an error.
Return the subjects.
Urgo will be removed.
- You heard the man.
- Sir, we could be risking our lives.
OK. Let's ask the question:
do we wanna give up SG-1 ...
..and walk around the rest of our lives
with him yappin' away in our heads?
(whispers) Yes. Say yes.
Or... do we try and find a way to get rid
of him so we can get on with our lives?
- No. Say no.
- Sorry... Urgo.
That's good enough. Teal'c?
If we are to remain
in the service of this world,...
..Urgo must be removed.
Sam. Sammy.
You like me.
I remind you of your Uncle lrving.
Bubeleh!
(pop!) Remember?
Yeah, I guess you do a little.
Carter.
Sorry. Sorry...
- I guess I say we... we go.
- Then it's settled.
What do you suppose Togar
really meant by "an error"?
He meant Urgo wasn't supposed
to be interacting with us.
Oh, please. Please don't go.
He's gonna kill you. He really will.
He's nasty.
It'll be a painful and awful death.
Honest.
OK. OK, fine.
He's gonna kill me. You heard him!
Oh, you people, for cryin' out loud!
Don't you have any feelings?
- Do you?
- Carter! Why do you humour him?
He's programmed for self-preservation.
Sir, that voice, Togar,
said that this was an error.
We're probably not even supposed
to know he's here.
You aren't supposed to interact with us.
Well, um... Actually, when I first, uh...
..and we got to be f... Technically?
No.
- Can you describe how you're feeling?
- Me? Nervous. Agitated.
A little hungry.
- Afraid?
- Oh, sure. OK.
- Of what?
- Oh, going away, like last time.
Not experiencing.
Not being here with you.
- Of death?
- Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Big time.
He's gonna kill me, and that's why...
that death thing keeps poppin' up.
- Sir...
- Carter.
- Wait a minute, Jack.
- Daniel.
What constitutes a sentient life form?
- Self-awareness. Consciousness.
- I'm me. No doubt about that.
- What else?
- The ability to think independently.
I'm independent.
I just, you know... Iike company.
- Fear of death?
- I got that, too!
You're not gonna convince me it's alive.
Look!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
He's not really here.
He's here. In our heads.
Many life forms
require other life forms to live.
Then you are a parasite. Like the Goa'uld.
(mocks Teal'c) A parasite.
Like the Goa-ooh.
Or a Tok'ra. Just being parasitical by
nature doesn't make you inherently bad.
- It's a machine.
- That hurts.
Sir, he's artificial intelligence but...
..just because somebody made him
doesn't mean he isn't alive.
- Listen to her!
- So what are you saying?
I'm saying that we should consider it.
Maybe this error wasn't an error, but
a kind of higher technological evolution.
The birth of a whole new life form.
- I can't believe this, but I agree with Sam.
- What?
- Well, sir, it's just...
- No! Hammond said it.
We've been compromised.
We explain the situation to this Togar guy.
He can deal with Hugo
once he's out of our heads.
- Urgo.
- Urgo.
Let's go.
Oh...!
I'm doomed.
I hate it when that happens.
Ooh, this is bad! This is very bad.
Very bad.
Do not move,
or I will render you unconscious!
If necessary.
You're Togar?
Yes. Togar!
As handsome as he is evil.
- There is no reason to fear us.
- I fear you not.
(whistles)
Ooh, he's a madman. He's an evil,
terrible madman. Run for your lives.
- I hear you. Be silent.
- Wait. You hear him?
Yes. Hear and see.
Then you should be able
to see that he's afraid.
Relocate. Hm?
Togar, I'd like to point out
that when I called you madman,...
..l meant it in the nicest possible way.
Come.
Come forward.
Come forth.
Stay.
Watch.
Urgo... is this.
The specimen is unharmed.
As you will be.
- What about Urgo?
- It will be destroyed.
See? Oh, what'd I tell you?
Oh, please! Don't let him do this to me.
Teal'c? Help.
Kree! Jump him.
Give him a double Jaffa-Jaffa kick. Go on!
- Your technology is very advanced.
- Yes.
They're too scared to experience things...
Enough!
We're grateful that you will
take Urgo out of our minds.
The point is,
we think Urgo may actually be alive.
- He is an error.
- Maybe he is.
- Another word for it might be miracle.
- That is ridiculous.
Well, what you call an error
has somehow resulted in life.
He's self-aware, he thinks independently,
he's afraid of his own death.
By any definition, he's acting alive.
All we're saying is that maybe there's
a way of doing this without... killing him.
- There is not!
- OK. Had to ask.
I don't understand. Why not?
The unit must be in a life form.
It cannot exist on its own.
There has to be some way. You created it.
- You'd be killing something you gave life.
- Dad...
That's a terrible idea.
I'd rather die a painful and horrible death.
It was just a thought.
I wanna live. I wanna experience
the universe and I wanna eat pie.
- Who doesn't?
- Enough babbling. Explain.
I was just thinking that maybe...
you'd wanna put Urgo in you.
No! I wouldn't do that. I'd rather
be in that... with the eyes and... No!
The purpose of the technology
is to observe and explore.
But the technology is different now.
We don't know you, but I get the distinct
feeling that Urgo is everything you're not.
You can say that again.
But I think that he's everything
you wish you were.
Outgoing, adventuresome...
Annoying.
(Jackson) It would be a chance to change.
To maybe... experience some of the
things that you're afraid to do yourself.
No! Not afraid.
Why do you not explore worlds
through the Stargate yourself?
It could help me learn
how the error occurred.
- Then you'll do it?
- I could try.
Count me out. I don't wanna do it. He's
mean and boring and... and... and... mean.
We're giving you a chance here.
- Him or death!
- No, l...
- Death or him.
- Oh, dear.
- Well?
- I'm thinking.
He's so... so... uh...
- Mean?
- Yeah.
- Boring?
- Mm!
- So change him.
- Me change him?
Ha ha ha ha ha. (sighs)
OK. I'll do it.
Urgo thinks it's a great idea.
I'm sure you'll enjoy his presence.
See, I knew it.
I knew you liked me. I was right.
Maybe... a little.
- How about a hug?
- Don't push it.
Urgo?
- Urgo is here.
- I'm here! I'm here!
Well, Togar... Thanks for your hospitality.
We appreciate it.
I will return you to your planet now.
Wait. Togar... How do we know
that Urgo's really alive?
- I'm here! I'm here! Tell 'em!
- I will, as soon as you are quiet.
(both) He's alive.
Urgo says... goodbye,
and I say... thank you.
Bye, Urgo.
Now we've gotten to know each other
and helped each other out,...
..maybe we could
share information about...
Ohh, I'm gonna miss 'em!
- Hey, I know. Why don't we...
- No!
- Why not?
- No!
- It's fun.
- No.
Are you sure that
we're thinking the same thing?
- Positive.
- But you don't know what you're missing!
(Stargate alarm)
Stand down.
- Quarantine, stand by.
- Glad you're back safe, SG-1 .
Was the mission successful?
Uh...
General, didn't we just...
You've been gone over ten hours, Major.
- Oh, boy.
- Report to the infirmary.
Yes, sir.
Temperature's 78?F,
barometric pressure is normal.
No obvious signs of civilisation.
P4X-884 looks like
an untouched paradise, sir.
Appearances may be deceiving.
- One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
- A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Never run with scissors?
- Were you trying to make a point, Major?
- Yes, sir.
We should perform a recon mission.
Mineral and biological survey - to see if
884 is a viable site for a research colony.
- Very well. You have a go.
- Mmm! Mineral survey. My favourite!
- Colonel.
- I know, General.
It's all fun and games
until someone breaks a nail.
Au revoir, mon general.
- I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
- Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao.
Ciao means adios.
Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara.
Which all, loosely translated, mean...
..goodbye?
Stand down.
What happened?
- What happened?
- That's what I just asked you.
Will someone please explain?
General, we just left. We went through
the gate and we came back... here.
Major, you've been gone over 1 5 hours.
Blood work is normal.
So far, you check out fine.
What about the lost time?
Could we have been
drugged with something?
There's no new marks on your skin to
indicate injections or any kind of struggle.
What's the last thing you remember?
We were walking up the ramp.
O'Neill was explaining
the meaning of ciao.
We stepped through,
we stepped back through.
That's... what happened
as far as we're concerned.
When you didn't come back,
we sent a second MALP.
All it showed was the same image
of the alien planet we saw before.
There was no sign of you
and no response to our radio call.
That's why there were two MALPs
in the gate room.
Both came back just before you.
We assumed you sent them.
It wasn't us, sir.
This is the Mark Il MALP's transmission.
- That's what we saw, Major.
- Yes, sir. Same as the first.
Except where is it?
If this is the second MALP, we should see
the first MALP near the Stargate.
Isn't that thing supposed to...
probe a little?
Well, then there'd be tracks, sir,
and there are none in this image.
Watch what happens when you run
the playback frame by frame.
There.
- (Jackson) Hello.
- What is it?
I'm not sure. Their technology
is advanced beyond ours.
- Then the previous image was faked?
- There's no other explanation, sir.
The images portraying this planet
seem to have been manufactured...
- ..and then broadcast back to us.
- (Hammond) Why?
Possibly with the intended purpose
of luring us into this room.
See? I knew it was too good to be true.
Wow! This coffee's great.
I was just thinking that.
- Yeah, is that cinnamon?
- It's, uh... it's chicory.
Mmm, chicory.
Teal'c?
Ah!
- Isn't that hot?
- Extremely.
Just... stay on the base.
We're going to need to keep an eye
on you for the time being.
- I feel fine.
- As do l, Daniel Jackson.
For someone who just drank
half a gallon of steaming hot coffee!
Right.
- Hungry?
- Yeah.
Try the pie.
So I'm running a full diagnostic on that...
- Wow!
- Oh, yeah.
- This is the best pie I've ever had.
- Well, what's so different about it?
- Same old pie.
- It is most satisfying.
- Why do they taste so good?
- I don't know.
All I do know is...
I don't even like yoghurt.
(Tannoy) SG-1, report to med lab 3.
Wait. Sorry... Sorry.
(Dr Fraiser) The scans have a percentage
of error. It looks like an errant pixel.
But it's in the same place
on each of the scans.
Yeah. Thank you.
So I had to run
a comparative analysis to be sure.
It's in the exact same spot
in each of your brains but...
..you're talking about something
smaller than a pinhead.
Barely large enough to show on an X-ray.
Right. Which is why I also needed
to run an electron resonance scan, and...
This is, uh,
magnified several thousand times, sir.
That thing's in all of us?
I'm afraid so.
Can these devices be removed?
Not without causing
irreparable brain damage, sir.
What's the downside?
How they were implanted without
any injury to the cortex is beyond me.
- What threat do they pose?
- All desserts on base are in grave danger.
An electromagnetic field is being emitted.
But I'm not sure what that means.
All we've noticed are some cravings
and an increased acuity in our senses.
Especially taste and smell.
Until we find out the true purpose
of these objects, I'm quarantining you...
..with a 24-hour guard.
(man) Boring!
- Who said that?
- It wasn't me.
What d'you say we all go do somethin'?
Teal'c?
- Did you hear that?
- I did.
- Who's there?
- OK!
I'll make it so that you can all see me,
but only because you asked.
- You all can see me, right?
- Apparently.
Oh, good, I'm so glad.
Hello, hello, hello. (chuckles)
- Now you all say it.
- (all) Hello, Urgo.
(laughs) You're all much better-looking
on the outside than on the inside.
On the inside, it's so complicated.
Oooh, please!
Airman!
Could you come here?
Do you see an intruder
in this room anywhere?
No, sir.
Right. Dismissed.
(chuckles)
- All right. What are you?
- Urgo.
Which might explain why
we all just said "Hello, Urgo."
- No, you are not dreaming.
- You read our thoughts?
Don't panic. Just the thoughts
you're having at the moment.
Of course.
You're... actually in our heads, aren't you?
You are so smart, Samantha.
I love that about you!
Carter?
The technology
implanted in our brains, sir.
We're looking at a visual communication
interface: controlled hallucination.
So...
I...
- Uh... What?
- He gets confused!
By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?
This is incredible. I mean,
the devices must be linked somehow.
Dr Fraiser said they're emitting
a small EM field - Iike radio frequencies.
The devices in our brain are
some sort of wireless computer network?
Yeah, an incredibly sophisticated one,
able to work over significant distances.
We were all drawn to the commissary
when Colonel O'Neill was eating dessert.
- He can make us do stuff?
- No, never.
In spite of what you're thinking, never.
But you can make suggestions,
can't you?
- And enhance our sensory perception.
- Like making things taste better.
- Well, didn't it?
- Well, why not?
I mean, he's tapped into our brains.
He's making us all see and hear him.
Boring! By the way,
who decorated this room?
It is so plain!
Don't tell me your whole planet's
like this. Not the whole planet!
Hey, couldn't we go someplace else -
that's not here?
Someplace, y'know...
..that's not here?
Um... Kree!
Anywhere. (whispers) Boring.
OK. So what does he look like?
A famous tenor.
What's this?
And you're seeing the exact same thing
at the exact same time?
Yep.
- What is this?
- It's a defibrillator.
Ahhh, interesting. Thank you.
Is it... defibrillating... now?
He, um...
it seems to crave new experiences.
The paddles administer a shock to people
whose hearts are beating irregularly.
Ah! And then they feel better?
Does it feel good? Does it hurt?
- Woo! It hurts!
- I would think so.
- Let's try it.
- No, I don't think so.
Why not?
It's not gonna kill you, is it? Or is it?
It talks to you?
It's experiencing things through us,
using our senses to collect information.
Try the paddles.
So do you experience any...
physi...cal sensations?
Hey!
- Teal'c!
- Will you loosen up?
Hey... I'm loose.
He doesn't have total control over us.
Just the power of suggestion.
He can also enhance our enjoyment
of experiences in order to motivate us.
Really?
- He's unresponsive to direct questioning.
- No. No, that's not true.
I'm picking your brains.
You can pick mine. I'll tell you anything.
Ask me. Ask me anything. What? What?
- How do we remove you from our brains?
- Oh... (blows raspberry) Except that!
- Duh!
- You said anything.
Why do you wanna remove me
from your brains? I'm in your brains.
I know you like me. You can't fool me.
No, Urgo. We don't like you.
- Oh, admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?
- No smidgen.
I wouldn't blame you.
I have endearing qualities.
- He will not cooperate, O'Neill.
- Why, you...!
Years from now,
when you think of me, you'll say...
.."How did I ever get along without
that wonderful constant companion?"
Woof.
- Years from now?
- Woof?
There is no way to remove me
from your brains. Forget about it.
What are you doing there
in the first place?
Well... (chuckles) She got it. You got it.
I'm here to learn.
I'm here to experience your world.
So we've been tagged - Iike we do with
wild animals when we wanna study them.
- We are not wild animals.
- Speak for yourself, big fella.
Hang on a second. The race who created
you and put these things in our brains.
They're gonna want the information
you're collecting.
- I suppose.
- So how do they get it?
- You don't wanna know.
- Let's say I do.
You will never have to find out.
Aren't you programmed?
I mean, how can you defy your creators?
Because they're evil, scary evil, and we
don't want anything to do with them.
If we contact whoever created
the technology...
That would be bad. Very bad.
- Why should we listen to you?
- OK.
I know you only like me a little bit, but I
like you a lot and I do not want you to die.
- Die?
- Yes, as in dead. They're gonna kill ya.
They open your brains
with a giant can-opener,...
..and then they scoop me out
with a big scoopy thing.
That's how it works.
It's death... or me.
Me or death. You have to decide.
Me... or death.
Well?
We're thinking.
(Urgo) Me me me me me-me me me-me
Me, me, me me me
Me me me me me-me-me
Me-me me-me me me me me-me me
(singing continues)
- Will you stop it?
- Jeez!
Please.
So this technology
is living vicariously through you.
I say we risk it all
and go back to the planet.
What if he's telling the truth
about his creators?
- There's no way to get him out of us here.
- No. No way.
- No.
- See? (chuckles) She knows.
Maybe there's another way.
I haven't studied the technology,...
- ..but I can figure out how to turn him off.
- Turn me off?
- Please.
- Don't waste your time. It's impossible!
Hey! I got an idea.
Why don't we play hide-and-seek?
You hide and I'll, you know...
I'm not gonna cheat.
You know, cos I have... But I'm not...
One, two, three...
- Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.
- Thank you.
..six, seven, eight,...
..nine, ten.
I don't have time to play, Urgo.
I don't care if I'm "it".
I have work to do!
No, I am not hungry.
Go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill.
- I'm very busy right now.
- Major.
- Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
- I see.
- Oh, I wish you did.
- Urgo, Major Carter would like...
Uh, Janet, he's... over here.
Well then, Urgo,
Major Carter would like to be left alone.
Janet, um,
as much as I appreciate it, please...
- Urgo, that is rude!
- What did he say?
Uh... if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do.
Doctor, are we entirely sure that the
members of SG-1 are... What's the word?
- Sane?
- That's the one.
Yes, sir. Everything we hear or see
is processed in the brain.
Urgo is creating an image of himself
that they're responding to.
If you say so.
Way off. Not even close.
Not a chance. Forget about it.
- Carter.
- I believe I have a solution, sir.
Please!
The electromagnetic field indicates
these devices are based on electronics.
- So smart and yet... so wrong.
- I don't think so.
- An EM pulse should do it, sir.
- Ahhh!
- Ow!
- Oh! Ooh.
- Urgo, that's hot!
- I didn't mean to.
Yes, you did. Now stop it.
Urgo's been trying to distract me
since I started thinking about it,...
..so I'm probably on the right track.
I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm really sorry.
- I'll live.
- She forgives me.
A strong EM pulse can knock out
most electronic-based technologies.
It would be harmless to us
but it should render Urgo impotent.
Could you, uh... rephrase that? Uh...
- Do it.
- (Urgo) Oh, please. Please don't do this.
Hey, listen. I didn't mean to scald you.
I-l like you. I really, really do.
Uh, please. It was an accident.
This room is shielded, so it won't affect
any of the base's technology.
Don't do this, please.
What can I do to make you like me?
- You sure this won't hurt us?
- No. It's gonna hurt me.
- We won't even feel it.
- But I will.
I throw myself at your mercy.
Please, have mercy! (nervous laugh)
Ooh, I know. I can be smaller.
- How's this?
- Ready?
I'm here. Look how teeny-weeny I am!
How could anything this teeny-weeny
hurt anybody?
Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull?
What a nice grey. Want some white bread
with mayonnaise? Wanna watch golf?
- Will you flip that switch?
- No. Oh. How about this?
Can you resist this?
Oh, don't do that. Oh, sacrebleu!
I'm melting. I'm melting!
What a world! What a world...
Pulse hasn't gone off yet. It's on a timer.
Oh. How much time do l...
- That's it?
- Yep.
- I feel no differently.
- Listen.
What?
Exactly.
Way to go, Sam.
We'll see.
The devices are still present, but the EM
field that was emitted by them is gone.
Everything else checks out.
Request permission for SG-1
to go back to work... sir.
- Give it a week.
- A week?
Well... everything looks normal.
- How are you feeling?
- Great. I just wanna get back to work.
Next weekend,
Cassandra and I are going to the lake...
..and we're going to rent a rowboat.
Like to come?
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Great.
- Can you send Daniel up next?
- Yeah. OK.
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is...
(O'Neill) ..merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
And row, row, row your boat...
(Jackson) Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily...
(Teal'c) Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
(all continue singing the round)
I was not singing.
I'd know if I was singing.
I don't even know the words to...
..merrily
Life is but a dream
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
OK. If you call that singing.
Urgo.
I couldn't help myself!
No!
- I was so sure it would work.
- Oh, it did. Don't feel bad.
It did work for a while. Everything went
away. It was very sad. Very, very sad.
And then all of a sudden I was back
in your brains where I belong.
The system must have
some sort of reset. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too, because as long as that
device is capable of influencing you,...
- ..you're relieved of active duty.
- General, is that necessary?
Whether you admit it or not,
you've been compromised.
The fact is, an alien entity
has control over you - however limited.
- We don't know what it's capable of.
- He can't make us do anything, sir.
Then why did I treat your arm for a burn?
Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
- I didn't mean to.
- He didn't mean to.
It was not his intention.
I trust I've made my point.
Come on, Urgo. Be a mensch.
How do we get rid of ya?
I have no idea. I really... I just don't know.
- He really may not know, sir.
- How could he not know?
- He's just the program.
- Program?
Your software doesn't know
how your computer works.
Hey! My software doesn't make me sing
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
Don't fight. I'm here.
What's the difference how?
I'm not gonna make another noise.
Not a peep. Nothing.
I'm gonna be quiet, like a little
tiny mouse - not a peep. Watch.
I got an idea! Why don't we play a game -
some sort of a wonderful game?
Something with a dictionary. It's fun.
You know, you get a word and...
you write what you think the word is.
It's a lot of laughs - and educational.
It's really nice. I think you'll like it.
Chevron seven encoded and locked.
- What's that?
- Actually, it's our version of you.
But not as suave and sophisticated,
n'est-ce pas?
It's equipped with sensors,
video camera, microphone.
- We use it to explore, like you do...
- Carter.
Sorry. I don't know why
I was telling him that.
Hello!
Oh! How beautiful!
Can we go there?
It's an illusion. Your creators do this
in order to lure people into their trap.
See, I told you they were mean.
That's mean!
The MALP is on-line, General.
This is General Hammond of Earth.
We know the images being transmitted
to us are false. We request a dialogue.
Please respond.
(whispers) Why is he doing that?
We want to communicate
with your creators.
No. Bad. No.
It's our last alternative before we
resort to actually going back there.
You were just thinking of Maui,
with the big beaches and the little bikinis.
That's where we should go, cos it's nice
and warm there - instead of being here.
(male voice) Who dares challenge Togar?
(whispers) That voice. That's him!
Dr Jackson?
This is Dr Daniel Jackson.
We don't mean to challenge you.
We've found your devices in our brains.
We'd like you to remove them. Him.
Him?
- Urgo.
- How do you know this name?
He told us.
- He interacts with us.
- He's driving us crazy!
That is an error.
Return the subjects.
Urgo will be removed.
- You heard the man.
- Sir, we could be risking our lives.
OK. Let's ask the question:
do we wanna give up SG-1 ...
..and walk around the rest of our lives
with him yappin' away in our heads?
(whispers) Yes. Say yes.
Or... do we try and find a way to get rid
of him so we can get on with our lives?
- No. Say no.
- Sorry... Urgo.
That's good enough. Teal'c?
If we are to remain
in the service of this world,...
..Urgo must be removed.
Sam. Sammy.
You like me.
I remind you of your Uncle lrving.
Bubeleh!
(pop!) Remember?
Yeah, I guess you do a little.
Carter.
Sorry. Sorry...
- I guess I say we... we go.
- Then it's settled.
What do you suppose Togar
really meant by "an error"?
He meant Urgo wasn't supposed
to be interacting with us.
Oh, please. Please don't go.
He's gonna kill you. He really will.
He's nasty.
It'll be a painful and awful death.
Honest.
OK. OK, fine.
He's gonna kill me. You heard him!
Oh, you people, for cryin' out loud!
Don't you have any feelings?
- Do you?
- Carter! Why do you humour him?
He's programmed for self-preservation.
Sir, that voice, Togar,
said that this was an error.
We're probably not even supposed
to know he's here.
You aren't supposed to interact with us.
Well, um... Actually, when I first, uh...
..and we got to be f... Technically?
No.
- Can you describe how you're feeling?
- Me? Nervous. Agitated.
A little hungry.
- Afraid?
- Oh, sure. OK.
- Of what?
- Oh, going away, like last time.
Not experiencing.
Not being here with you.
- Of death?
- Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Big time.
He's gonna kill me, and that's why...
that death thing keeps poppin' up.
- Sir...
- Carter.
- Wait a minute, Jack.
- Daniel.
What constitutes a sentient life form?
- Self-awareness. Consciousness.
- I'm me. No doubt about that.
- What else?
- The ability to think independently.
I'm independent.
I just, you know... Iike company.
- Fear of death?
- I got that, too!
You're not gonna convince me it's alive.
Look!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
He's not really here.
He's here. In our heads.
Many life forms
require other life forms to live.
Then you are a parasite. Like the Goa'uld.
(mocks Teal'c) A parasite.
Like the Goa-ooh.
Or a Tok'ra. Just being parasitical by
nature doesn't make you inherently bad.
- It's a machine.
- That hurts.
Sir, he's artificial intelligence but...
..just because somebody made him
doesn't mean he isn't alive.
- Listen to her!
- So what are you saying?
I'm saying that we should consider it.
Maybe this error wasn't an error, but
a kind of higher technological evolution.
The birth of a whole new life form.
- I can't believe this, but I agree with Sam.
- What?
- Well, sir, it's just...
- No! Hammond said it.
We've been compromised.
We explain the situation to this Togar guy.
He can deal with Hugo
once he's out of our heads.
- Urgo.
- Urgo.
Let's go.
Oh...!
I'm doomed.
I hate it when that happens.
Ooh, this is bad! This is very bad.
Very bad.
Do not move,
or I will render you unconscious!
If necessary.
You're Togar?
Yes. Togar!
As handsome as he is evil.
- There is no reason to fear us.
- I fear you not.
(whistles)
Ooh, he's a madman. He's an evil,
terrible madman. Run for your lives.
- I hear you. Be silent.
- Wait. You hear him?
Yes. Hear and see.
Then you should be able
to see that he's afraid.
Relocate. Hm?
Togar, I'd like to point out
that when I called you madman,...
..l meant it in the nicest possible way.
Come.
Come forward.
Come forth.
Stay.
Watch.
Urgo... is this.
The specimen is unharmed.
As you will be.
- What about Urgo?
- It will be destroyed.
See? Oh, what'd I tell you?
Oh, please! Don't let him do this to me.
Teal'c? Help.
Kree! Jump him.
Give him a double Jaffa-Jaffa kick. Go on!
- Your technology is very advanced.
- Yes.
They're too scared to experience things...
Enough!
We're grateful that you will
take Urgo out of our minds.
The point is,
we think Urgo may actually be alive.
- He is an error.
- Maybe he is.
- Another word for it might be miracle.
- That is ridiculous.
Well, what you call an error
has somehow resulted in life.
He's self-aware, he thinks independently,
he's afraid of his own death.
By any definition, he's acting alive.
All we're saying is that maybe there's
a way of doing this without... killing him.
- There is not!
- OK. Had to ask.
I don't understand. Why not?
The unit must be in a life form.
It cannot exist on its own.
There has to be some way. You created it.
- You'd be killing something you gave life.
- Dad...
That's a terrible idea.
I'd rather die a painful and horrible death.
It was just a thought.
I wanna live. I wanna experience
the universe and I wanna eat pie.
- Who doesn't?
- Enough babbling. Explain.
I was just thinking that maybe...
you'd wanna put Urgo in you.
No! I wouldn't do that. I'd rather
be in that... with the eyes and... No!
The purpose of the technology
is to observe and explore.
But the technology is different now.
We don't know you, but I get the distinct
feeling that Urgo is everything you're not.
You can say that again.
But I think that he's everything
you wish you were.
Outgoing, adventuresome...
Annoying.
(Jackson) It would be a chance to change.
To maybe... experience some of the
things that you're afraid to do yourself.
No! Not afraid.
Why do you not explore worlds
through the Stargate yourself?
It could help me learn
how the error occurred.
- Then you'll do it?
- I could try.
Count me out. I don't wanna do it. He's
mean and boring and... and... and... mean.
We're giving you a chance here.
- Him or death!
- No, l...
- Death or him.
- Oh, dear.
- Well?
- I'm thinking.
He's so... so... uh...
- Mean?
- Yeah.
- Boring?
- Mm!
- So change him.
- Me change him?
Ha ha ha ha ha. (sighs)
OK. I'll do it.
Urgo thinks it's a great idea.
I'm sure you'll enjoy his presence.
See, I knew it.
I knew you liked me. I was right.
Maybe... a little.
- How about a hug?
- Don't push it.
Urgo?
- Urgo is here.
- I'm here! I'm here!
Well, Togar... Thanks for your hospitality.
We appreciate it.
I will return you to your planet now.
Wait. Togar... How do we know
that Urgo's really alive?
- I'm here! I'm here! Tell 'em!
- I will, as soon as you are quiet.
(both) He's alive.
Urgo says... goodbye,
and I say... thank you.
Bye, Urgo.
Now we've gotten to know each other
and helped each other out,...
..maybe we could
share information about...
Ohh, I'm gonna miss 'em!
- Hey, I know. Why don't we...
- No!
- Why not?
- No!
- It's fun.
- No.
Are you sure that
we're thinking the same thing?
- Positive.
- But you don't know what you're missing!
(Stargate alarm)
Stand down.
- Quarantine, stand by.
- Glad you're back safe, SG-1 .
Was the mission successful?
Uh...
General, didn't we just...
You've been gone over ten hours, Major.
- Oh, boy.
- Report to the infirmary.
Yes, sir.