Star Trek: Voyager (1995–2001): Season 5, Episode 22 - Someone to Watch Over Me - full transcript

So, Harry throws it in gear,
floors the gas

and backs us right through
a burrito stand.

- When are you teaching me to drive?
- You sure you're ready?

I've piloted starships.
I think I can handle a car.

You'd be surprised. The clutch
on a '69 Mustang can be pretty tricky.

Take a look. She's watching us again.

She's working. Relax.

- Dessert?
- What is it?

Some cheese I prepared for our
Kadi guest. Tell me what you think.

- It's a little bland.
- Just a little? Oh, that's bad.

The Kadi don't approve of spices.



- You've taken this very seriously.
- The Kadi are easily offended.

Their representative will be left with me
while the captain's at the colony.

- I'm sure you're up to it, Ambassador.
- I hope so.

- She's watching us again.
- You're imagining things.

- I don't think so.
- B'Elanna...

- Enjoying the view?
- Explain.

You've been staring at us all night.

In fact, you followed us yesterday
on the way to engineering.

And the day before
when I was outside the shuttlebay.

You are correct.
I have been observing you

as part of my research
on human mating behaviour.

"Stardate 52647, 1400 hours.

"Subjects quarrel in corridor
outside female's quarters.

"Male returns with 12 flowering plant
stems, species rosa rubifolia,



"effecting a cessation of hostilities.

"Stardate 52648, 0300 hours.
Intimate relations resume."

How the hell do you know
when we're intimate?

There is no one on deck 9, section 12
who doesn't know it.

- Is there a problem?
- I want all your data.

I haven't completed the study.

Then study this - Borg provokes Klingon.
Klingon breaks Borg nose.

- B'Elanna.
- Call sickbay.

There's about to be an emergency.

- B'Elanna, let's go have a nightcap.
- This time you've crossed the line.

I was surprised at B'Elanna's report.

I didn't violate protocols.

This is a starship,

not a nature preserve.

I'm missing a pip.

You told me to study human behaviour.

It's not your goals, it's your methods.

You shouldn't take notes on the crew.

Have you considered trying it yourself?

Romance, I mean.

I do not require a romantic relationship.

Why did you collect 30,000 gigaquatts

of data on the subject?

I'm late.

Kadi monks wash with purified water

so sonic showers are out.

I've equipped his quarters

with an ablutionary fountain.

They observe eight daily services.

I don't want the ambassador going back

with tales of how immoral we are.

Energise.

The ritual greeting.

Travellers who have left the sanctity

of their home and family,

we welcome you
into our home, our family.

Accept these symbols of our purity
and the Goddess Mother's blessing.

Commander Tuvok,
who will accompany me,

and Mr Neelix, who will familiarise
your ambassador with Voyager.

Tomin, will help us determine

whether your crew is worthy
of receiving our minerals.

He's in very good hands.

It is time to welcome you to our home.

This way, Ambassador.

Voyager's an Intrepid Class starship
with a crew of 146,

designed for long-term exploration.

We'll start with a tour,
first stop - engineering.

I was hoping I might sample a food item
I noted earlier in your data files.

- Hasperat.
- It's a Bajoran dish. Very spicy.

I believe that your dietary protocols
prohibit flavourful foods.

I want to broaden my palate
while I'm here,

in the interests of better understanding.

In that case, first stop - the mess hall.

Your cortical implants are efficient,
nanoprobe levels stable. Complaints?

- None.
- I heard about the mess hall incident.

The crew can efficiently disseminate
information, when they choose.

They say gossip travels faster
than warp speed.

So why were you studying
Tom and B'Elanna?

- Scientific curiosity.
- Are you sure?

Perhaps there's a reason that hasn't
occurred to you. You're a woman.

Is that an observation or a diagnosis?

A simple biological fact. With
repercussions that are hard to deny.

What is your proposed treatment?

Perhaps you should consider expanding
your research to the realm of dating.

- Dating? You mean procreation?
- One step at a time.

Dating is a human ritual, wherein
two people get to know each other.

It can lead to a romantic involvement
and, if all goes well, even marriage.

One step at a time.

This could be an important stage in your
social development. It's worth exploring.

The captain would seem to agree.

- How shall I proceed?
- I'll prepare a lesson plan.

Meet me on holodeck 2 in one hour.

Most women start dating a little younger
than you, but better late than never.

I've prepared an introduction.
I call it "Love Amid the Stars".

The Milky Way, home to
thousands of humanoid species

and countless courtship rituals.

Klingon males initiate courtship
by biting the female.

Here, two Bolians get to know
one another.

The courtship rituals of some species
remain shrouded in mystery.

For example, Species 8472 appears
to have as many as five sexes.

Bystanders better keep their distance.

You're most likely to interact with
humans, so without further ado,

lesson one - First Contact.

There are any number of ways
humans meet prospective mates.

Here, we see the "chance encounter”.

Equally common
is the "formal introduction".

When first contact is successful,
romance ensues

and, in happy circumstances,
procreation.

Here, we see how "fortress ovum" is
besieged by countless little warriors.

Doctor, I am familiar with the
physiological processes of sexuality.

Oh. Then, let's skip ahead
to the first of the practical exercises.

Lesson two -
Encounter in a Public Place.

Computer, initiate holoprogram Paris 3.

- Our location?
- Chez Sandrine.

On Earth, in a city called Marseilles.

Ensign Paris whiled away
his Academy years here,

to the detriment of his
scholastic performance.

Now, pull up a bar stool
and pretend you've come here

to meet the man of your dreams.

- "Hi, there."
- "Hello."

- "Come here often?"
- "This is my first time."

"You must be new in town.
How do you like the south of France?"

"It is very quaint,
exactly as I've always pictured it."

- "May I buy you a drink?"
- I don't require a liquid supplement.

- You're not giving this a chance.
- It's pointless.

It may seem pointless but small talk is
a vital skill. It helps to build a rapport.

Perhaps there's something
to be said for assimilation.

All right, why don't you try
your own approach

on that gentleman over there?

- Go ahead.
- Very well.

- Hello.
- Hello.

May I buy you a drink?

Sure. Steven Price.

- And you are?
- Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of...

- You may call me Seven.
- Seven. That's an unusual name.

Ah, please, have a seat.

Is Sandrine's under new management?
Who deleted my pool table?

- School is in session.
- More social lessons?

Watch. You might learn something.

- Curious jewellery.
- It's a Borg implant. I was a drone.

- Oh, so then it's a family heirloom.
- Borg do not have families.

They have unimatrices.

In that case, why don't you tell me
about your unimatrix?

They're hitting it off, don't you think?

- He's a hologram.
- Your point?

You programmed him. Real people
don't respond the same way.

Under my guidance,
she'll be dating real people in no time.

You're teaching Seven how to date?

Talk about
the blind leading the blind.

I've had my share
of romantic encounters.

Are you implying Seven
couldn't get a date?

Are you kidding?
Men would jump at the chance.

But getting a date is one thing, keeping it
from turning into a disaster is another.

I have every confidence
in her social skills.

Fine. Let's say you get her a date.
This is the holodeck.

The cards are stacked in her favour.

But to really put her to the test,

you have to do it in the real world
where anything can happen.

Neelix is hosting a reception
for the Kadi ambassador on Thursday.

Not only will Seven arrive with a date,

he will be eating
out of the palm of her hand.

Put your latinum where your mouth is.

If Seven brings a date
and leaves with him on good terms,

causing no diplomatic incident,

I will work double shifts in sickbay
for a month.

- And if she fails?
- I get a month off.

It's a bet.

- Where are you going?
- Our small talk is terminated.

I have mastered this exercise.
We can proceed to the next.

If I were you I'd start looking
for somebody to fill in for me.

One Katarian pudding.

The texture is so frothy. It seems
to be evaporating in my mouth.

The recipe includes a catalytic agent
designed to do just that.

If we don't hurry we'll miss Lieutenant
Torres. She's been waiting half an hour.

You're right. Engineering.
Your warp core. I must see that.

In our society, males and females
work separately,

but I can see the wisdom
of your approach.

Promotes a more stimulating
environment.

- It's time for third prayer.
- Yes, it is.

But I can forego this service and
perform the appropriate penance later.

It's more important that I continue
exploring your culture.

Perhaps another dessert.

Good morning.
It's time for lesson three.

- Getting to Know You.
- Elaborate.

The key to finding a compatible partner

is learning how to share
your interests and goals.

We'll start with hobbies.
What do you do with your spare time?

- Regenerate.
- Tell me about your tastes.

- Your likes and dislikes.
- I dislike irrelevant conversations.

OK, which brings us to goals.
What do you want out of life?

- Perfection.
- A laudable goal for oneself.

But you can't expect it from others.
I learnt that lesson when first activated.

One of the ways I adapted

was to pursue interests
people could identify with.

- Holophotography, for example. Opera.
- Music is mathematically intriguing.

Excellent.

Perhaps we can mold this curiosity
into an interest you can share.

Let's see how much you know.

- Here we see...
- A basic major musical phrase.

- I've done a preliminary study.
- Sing it for me.

Seven, has anyone ever told you
you have a beautiful voice?

- It's a true gift.
- The "gift" is from the collective.

It's designed to facilitate the sonic
interface with Borg transponders.

- Let's try something more challenging.
- "You Are My Sunshine".

It's a simple melody from Earth's 20th
Century. Good for beginners. Sing.

The other night, dear.

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms.

That was... flawless.

But try putting a little more emotion
into it. Like this.

When I awoke, dear

I was mistaken.

And I hung my head.

And cried.

See? Computer,
add instrumental accompaniment.

On to the chorus. Together, now.

You are my sunshine.

My only sunshine.

You make me happy.

When skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear.

How much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

You are my sunshine.

My only sunshine.

You make me happy.

When skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear.

How much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

- I need the data from the last scans.
- In a moment.

That looks like the crew manifest.

- The Doctor said to pick a candidate.
- For what?

- Lesson ten - The First Date.
- Your first date?

I've narrowed the list to two,
based on compatible interests.

- I didn't know you had any interests.
- Neither did I.

But apparently they include astronomy,
quantum mechanics and music.

- I play the clarinet, you know.
- You are not one of the candidates.

Well, maybe I can help you
pick Mr Right.

Ensign Bronowsky, assigned to the
airponics bay. He plays the accordion.

Badly. Very badly.
He's got no sense of humour.

Lieutenant Chapman,
structural engineering.

Chapman's a nice guy.

We worked together on
an away mission. He seemed efficient.

- If that's Robertson, I need a spanner.
- It is not.

I apologise, I didn't mean to startle you.

No, my fault.
You need something?

Your presence is required...
Or rather, it is requested.

Tonight. 1900 hours. Holodeck 2.

- Another engineering simulation?
- Dinner.

- Dinner?
- Consumption of nutritional biomatter.

No, I know what dinner is. I just...

- Are you asking me to join you?
- Yes.

State your response.

OK.

- Yes.
- Please be punctual.

I will. Thanks.

A dropped tool can be a workplace
hazard. Be more careful next time.

Please state the nature
of the medical emergency.

I have a date.

- Sorry I'm late.
- It's all right.

In fact, why don't you
take the day off? Relax.

Those double shifts are going
to take a lot out of you.

- Oh?
- Seven has a date tonight.

If all goes well, as I'm sure it will,
he'll accompany her to the reception.

- Who did she pick?
- Lieutenant William Chapman.

- Chapman! Good luck!
- What's that supposed to mean?

- He's nervous around women.
- So?

Are you kidding?

Seven's dominant personality
will have him running for the airlock.

She's only reacting
to the way people treat her.

In fact, she's an efficient
and charming young woman.

Efficient, I'll give you that.
But charming?

Most people don't look
beyond her exterior.

Did you know she has
a lovely singing voice?

No, I didn't, but then again
I've never asked her to sing for me.

What are you implying?

It sounds like you're infatuated
with your star pupil.

Infatuated? That's absurd.

- Whatever you say, Maestro.
- It was part of a lesson plan!

You're meeting him in 10 minutes.
Why aren't you ready?

I am.

Aren't we forgetting lesson eight -
Dress for Success?

- My appearance is sufficient.
- Yes.

But you could use
a little more panache.

Let's start by doing something different
with your hair.

I don't have much first-hand
experience with this, but...

Try shaking your head a little bit.

- Is this more appropriate?
- Yes.

When I first designed
your dermaplastic garment,

I also tried my hand
at some casual attire.

- You might want to replicate one.
- How shall I choose?

I think you'd look very nice
in... this one.

I am uncertain how to wear
such a garment. Assist me.

I-I'm sure you'll manage.
I'll go prepare the holodeck.

Remember, the idea is to have fun.
I'll expect a full report in the morning.

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

You look beautiful as well.

Thank you.

Er, would you like to sit down?

- Where is our designated location?
- Best table in the house.

- I wasn't sure you'd show up.
- I requested you presence.

To be honest, I thought
one of my friends put you up to it.

Um, champagne?

Synthehol impairs my cortical function.

- Mind if I...?
- Proceed.

- I must admit, I'm a little nervous.
- Elaborate.

Let's just say it's been a long time
since I've been out on a date.

I've never been on a date. As a result,
I am experiencing anxiety as well.

That means
we've got something in common.

Garcon!

Server, report to this station.
We require your assistance.

- Problem?
- This creature has an exoskeleton.

It's a lobster.
They're a delicacy on Earth.

Try it.

- I will replicate you a new garment.
- I'm fine. Fine.

It's just a little bit of exoskeleton.
Maybe we should order dessert.

- You wish to accelerate our encounter?
- No, no. I didn't say that. It's just...

I'm having a very... interesting evening.

- Would you like to dance?
- That's covered in lesson 35.

- I haven't reached it yet.
- I'm not much of a dancer myself.

- But it might be fun.
- As you wish.

Relax.

Try to relax. You seem a little tense.

That would disrupt
my chronographic sequencer.

- It allows me synchronous movement.
- That's handy.

But maybe you could ignore
your chronographic sequencer

and let me lead.

That's better.

- You are damaged.
- No. I'll be all right.

You've torn a ligament. I'm afraid
you'll have to report to sickbay.

Mr Paris will treat you.
No need to mention how this happened.

I've had a great time, Seven.

Let's do this again. Some day.

- I have failed.
- Nonsense.

Even Romeo and Juliet
hit a few snags at first.

- He's not the only lobster in the sea.
- I wish to terminate our lessons.

Just because you didn't achieve
perfection your first time out,

doesn't mean you should give up.

Dating is a poor means of interaction.

We communicate more efficiently.

We say what we mean,
simply and directly.

You and I do have a rapport,
but we're colleagues.

- We're not pursuing romance.
- No.

I'm certain you'll master
these basic skills in short order.

- My first date was certainly short.
- Was that a joke?

- Lesson six - Beguiling Banter.
- Now you're getting the hang of it.

This evening doesn't
have to end abruptly.

Let's cover lesson 35 -
Shall We Dance?

Computer, play "Someone to Watch
over Me". Instrumental only.

We'll begin with some simple steps.

Place your left hand on my shoulder
and your right hand in my left.

Now, follow me, one step at a time.

Don't worry.
I don't have any ligaments to tear.

Another drink!

- Ambassador!
- Neelix!

My friend, my host, my saviour!

Neelix, I want you to meet...

...Alandra...and Tria.

- What are you doing?
- I'm sampling yet another entrée

on the menu of pleasure
that you have opened up for me.

They're not today's menu.
Coffee, black.

I decided to go exploring
and I found your holodecks.

I discovered this little gem
still simmering in the memory buffer.

You can explore it later. Right now,
we've got to get you to your reception.

- Pungent taste. What is it?
- Coffee. There's plenty more.

No coffee on our colony.

Nothing to tempt the appetite
of weak-willed novitiates.

Neelix, a confession!

I am thinking of leaving the colony,
joining Voyager.

I want to throw off my vows

and immerse myself
in your wonderful culture.

- That's just the synthehol talking.
- No.

I've never been more clear-headed
about anything.

- And... I have you to thank.
- That's right. There we go.

- It's all you.
- Here.

- Hard at work?
- Our lessons have disrupted my duties.

Then I suppose you're too busy
to attend the reception?

- My presence is not required.
- True.

But it might be an opportunity
to apply your new social skills.

- Lesson 11 - Life of the Party.
- Exactly. Join me?

- Are you asking me on a date?
- I suppose I am.

Then I accept.
Is my appearance sufficient?

You look perfect.

How do you bend
a hologram's ear?

Use a prism.

What did the counsellor
say to the hologram?

You're projecting.

This humour, it's a revelation.

Very good.

Wouldn't you prefer
some more coffee?

Coffee? Yes, I'll have that, too. Go.

Neelix, is it my imagination,
or is our guest of honour drunk?

Commander, I tried.
I had an itinerary.

I set up a prayer dais in his quarters.
But I just couldn't control him.

The captain is due back in the morning
with the Kadi minister. What do I do?

Pray.

Well, well, well.
What do we have here?

I believe you know Seven of Nine,
my date for the evening?

Oh, you don't say.

Your last date ended up in sickbay.
I hope this one goes a little smoother.

There's no need to be insulting.

It's all right.
He's merely engaging in small talk.

- May I get either of you a drink?
- Yes, gin and tonic with a twist.

You know I don't drink.
I don't have the stomach for it.

A well-crafted joke, Doctor.

Impressive.
You've actually taught her to be polite.

But don't think you've won our bet.
She was supposed to bring a real date.

Photons and force fields, flesh and
blood - why quibble over details?

I'm as real as any of you.

- Where's the funny man?
- Mr Tomin, please.

- Why don't we sit down?
- There he is.

Ensign Paris, tell us another one
of those hologram jokes!

- You've been stealing my material?
- He's so drunk, he'll laugh at anything.

There he is -
the Ambassador of Humour.

I could use a little help here.

Seven,
perhaps now would be a good time

to review lesson 23 -
Toast of the Town.

Very well.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I require your attention.

May cultural differences encourage us
to build bridges of understanding.

To all that makes us unique.

- Who is that extraordinary female?
- Seven of Nine.

- I want to meet her.
- Take a number.

- That was lovely.
- Thank you.

I've got to admit it, you've done
wonders. All right, you win.

Win?

I know when I'm licked.
When do I start those double shifts?

You made a wager regarding me?
Clarify.

- It's not what you think.
- Don't blame him. It was my idea.

I believed your interest
in my development was sincere,

not motivated by personal gain.

It was sincere.

Clearly, I am not the only one
who requires social lessons.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Hey, why don't we go back
to my quarters

and study human mating rituals?

Remove your hand
or I will remove your arm.

Did you hear what she said to me?
I am the guest of honour.

Ambassador, it's been a long day.
You need some rest.

No, I'm not leaving!
I want another drink!

Synthehol wasn't supposed
to have this effect on people.

The enzymes that break down synthehol
aren't present in his bloodstream.

- Can you counteract the effects?
- It will take days.

Days? The captain
is back in the morning.

Maybe he needs a cold shower.

If his superiors see this
he'll be banished

and our trade
agreement will go out the airlock.

Oh, Seven of Mine.

We could encode my nanoprobes
to assimilate the synthehol molecules.

- Assimilate me.
- There may be adverse effects.

- Please.
- But it's worth a try.

The Kadi have rules about medical
procedures that haven't been sanctified.

He's already violated a few.
What's one more?

We treat him or he remains intoxicated.
You're his caretaker, decide.

Nanoprobes.

I owe you an apology.

Nanoprobe extraction is insignificant.
My systems will adapt.

No, I'm referring to the wager
I made with Ensign Paris.

I can see you might have felt
manipulated, but I assure you

that was never my intention.

I accept your apology.

I want to make this perfectly clear,
so there's no misunderstanding.

I asked you to go to the reception
because I enjoy your company.

In fact, over the last few days,

I feel as though we've...

grown closer.

Closer?

We've become more than colleagues.

We're...

...friends?

Friends? Agreed.

- I should begin.
- Of course.

I'll take over from here.

Mr Paris, hypothetically,

if one develops romantic feelings
for another person,

how does one usually go about
expressing them?

It's for one of Seven's social lessons.

I recommend the direct approach.
Tell the person how you feel.

- What if the feelings aren't mutual?
- Well, that's the risk you always take.

Oh, thank you.

Why don't you tell her?
Come on, Doc.

It's obvious the ambassador's
not the only one intoxicated.

Impossible. She's my student.

A hologram and a Borg?
Stranger things have happened.

Just look at me and B'Elanna.

- Could we walk a little slower?
- They're due back any minute.

But my throat feels like parchment.
Can't we go back to Sandrine's for...

No, no, no!

- Those doors, they're so loud.
- You've got a hangover.

I don't remember much of last night,
but I might have said some things...

You charmed the entire crew. Your
reception was a success. Understand?

Yes. Neelix, you've been most patient.

Well, that's my job,
and it isn't over yet.

- Welcome back.
- Good to be home. How's it going?

All systems functioning normally.

Ensign Kim detected a minor fluctuation
in the sensor array, but took care of it.

I was referring to Ambassador Tomin.
Did he enjoy his visit?

Well, I would say
that he enjoyed himself immensely.

There are many distractions
aboard this vessel.

You didn't indulge in any of their more
colourful traditions?

Of course not.

We followed the itinerary
that you approved.

- Oh, shame.
- Your Holiness?

It isn't a violation
to explore new experiences.

- As long as you don't make a habit of it.
- I see your point.

- Shall we conclude, Captain?
- By all means.

- I'll show you to the briefing room.
- Good work, Ambassador.

Do you like them?

Species rosa rubifolia.

State your intention.

I wanted to congratulate you on the
latest phase of your social development.

Why don't you read the card?

"You are my sunshine.”

These past few days
have been...

...unforgettable.

You've brought light into my life,
Seven.

- You have romantic feelings for me.
- It's as if you're part of my program.

When we're apart,
I feel like I'm missing a subroutine.

I don't expect you to reciprocate.

But I wanted you to know how I feel.

Computer, end program.

Enter.

- Seven.
- I wish to speak with you.

What a coincidence.
I was hoping to speak with you as well.

- Regarding?
- You first.

- What's this?
- It's a medical tricorder.

I enhanced its scanning resolution
by 33%.

You once stated you desired
a more efficient instrument.

- I suppose I did.
- It is a gift.

Lesson 22 - Thanks for the Memories.

- Is it insufficient?
- No.

No, it's very thoughtful.

I chose now to convey my gratitude
as I no longer require your assistance.

There are no mates for me on Voyager.

If I encounter a compatible individual
in future, I will again seek your guidance.

Guidance. Of course.

You said you had something to tell me.

I just wanted to say...

...the past few days...

...have been unforgettable.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Computer, activate holoprogram
Paris 3.

Won't you tell her please.

To put on some speed.

Follow my lead.

Oh, how I need.

Someone to watch over me