Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987–1994): Season 4, Episode 20 - Qpid - full transcript

Captain's log, star date 44741.9.

We have arrived at Tagus III, where
the Enterprise will serve as host

for the Federation Archaeology
Council's annual symposium.

I look forward

to giving tomorrow's keynote
address with great anticipation.

Come!

The Council members have beamed
aboard and been assigned quarters.

Excellent.

Captain, it really is quite late.

About my lecture, what do you think
will give the greater clarity?

A chronological structure



or the division of each expedition's
findings into religious,

sociological and environmental
sub-groupings?

Didn't you decide
on a chronological structure?

There's something to be said
for a more scientific approach.

- May I make a suggestion?
- By all means.

Relax.
You've written a brilliant speech.

It will need to be.

I'm addressing the greatest
scientific minds in the Federation.

Switzer, Klarc-Tarn-Droth,
McFarland!

Giants in archaeology! Compared
to them, I'm just an amateur.

I doubt they see you as an amateur.
Not when it comes to Tagus III.

Well, it's true,
I have done my homework.

I have examined the findings of every
expedition conducted on the planet.

It is unfortunate the Taguans no
longer allow visitors to the ruins.



Especially since we know
so little about their origins.

But I think I have constructed
some plausible theories of my own.

I'm sure the Council members
will agree.

Your support is appreciated.

Now, goodnight, Captain.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Bring back any memories?

Vash!

How did you get in here?

I came in through the window.

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages
of the Starship Enterprise.

Its continuing mission,
to explore strange new worlds,...

..to seek out new life
and new civilizations,...

..to boldly go
where no one has gone before.

I had no idea you were a member
of the Archaeology Council.

- You are a member, aren't you?
- More or less.

Why did you come to Tagus III?

To see you, of course.

- Is that the only reason?
- Isn't it enough?

I wish I could believe you.

I really have missed you.

Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late.

Excuse me.
I didn't realize you had company.

That's alright. Let me introduce you.

This is Beverly... Dr Beverly.

Dr Beverly Crusher. This is Vash.

A friend
from the Archaeology Council.

Sorry to interrupt. The Captain and I
often share morning tea together.

Yes, I know.
Jean-Luc has told me all about you.

Really?

When was that?

- On Risa, where we met.
- I see!

That must have been
during your vacation last year.

No. Yes!

Yes.

Well,
I am surprised he didn't mention you.

So am l.

- Doctor, are you busy?
- Not at the moment.

I'd love to see some more
of this marvellous ship.

I'd be delighted to show it to you.

I...

That is,
if it's alright with you, Jean-Luc.

Of course.

Don't worry.
I promise to behave myself.

And this is ten-forward,
where the reception will be held.

I can't think of a better location.
Does Jean-Luc come here often?

Not often. The Captain
is a very private man.

- Would you like something to drink?
- Please.

- Eternity never looked so lovely.
- Excuse me?

I was referring to the view.
Eternity never looked so lovely.

You must be Cmdr Riker.

- You have me at a disadvantage.
- I didn't mean to interrupt.

I believe you were about
to tell me that

my eyes are as mysterious
as the stars.

You're Betazoid.

Not at all. It's just that Jean-Luc
does a very good imitation of you.

He does?

- I see you two have met.
- Not exactly.

This is Vash, a member
of the Archaeology Council.

- and a friend of the Captain's.
- So I gather.

They met on Risa.

On Risa? That vacation
must have been better than he let on.

You mean he never mentioned me
to you, either?

Dr Crusher, report to sickbay.

I'm afraid
I won't be able to finish our tour.

But perhaps Cmdr Riker
could take over for me?

It would be my pleasure.

This is the main bridge,
the command centre,

and our last stop.

Vash, Cmdr La Forge, Cmdr Data.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

And this is Lt Worf.

- Hello.
- Something wrong?

Council members have not
been granted bridge clearance.

We can make an exception.
Vash is a guest of the Captain.

- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.

- Is this where Jean-Luc sits?
- That's the big chair.

Well, I can see where being
a starship captain has its rewards.

I'm glad that you approve.

I'll go to my room
and get ready for the reception.

By all means.

Well, I suppose
I'll see you then... then.

I'll look forward to it.

Fascinating woman.

I thought being ship's Counsellor
meant the Captain confided in you?

He does,
when he thinks it's necessary.

And he never spoke to you about me?

- Not that I recall.
- Not even a hint?

You must understand
the Captain is a very...

..private man. I know.

- Excuse me.
- Of course.

Nice legs.

For a human.

Jean-Luc, we need to talk.

Excuse me.

- The reception's going well.
- Forget that for a moment.

Why have you never mentioned me
to your friends?

- What should I have said?
- That we met,

had an adventure together,
some fun.

- It wouldn't be possible.
- Why not?

It would be inappropriate.

I wasn't expecting you
to go into intimate details.

A captain does not reveal
his personal feelings to his crew.

Is that a Starfleet regulation,
or did you make that up yourself?

I'm sorry if you're upset.

And I'm sorry if I embarrass you.

- How was the reception?
- Splendid.

Jean-Luc, wonderful to see you again.
How about a big hug?

- Don't stand there. Say something.
- Get out of my chair!

And I was hoping
for something more like,

"Welcome back, Q, my old friend."

- We're not friends!
- You wound me, mon capitaine.

There. Perhaps now
your manners will improve.

Why are you here? Have the Continuum
banished you once again?

Hardly! They're still apologizing
for the last time.

What do you want?

Do I always have to have a reason
to stop by?

I was merely in the sector, I was...

You force a confession from me.
The truth is, I have a debt to repay.

- A debt?
- To you.

And it gnaws at me and
it interferes with each of my days.

What are you talking about?

Without your assistance
I would never have survived.

I would have taken my life
but for you.

We all make mistakes.

Your good deed made possible
my reinstatement in the Continuum,

and I resent owing you anything.

So I'm here to pay up. Tell me, what
is it you wish? And I'll be gone.

Just be gone. That'll do nicely.

No, no! It must be something
more constructive.

- That's my new word for the day.
- Another time, Q.

I have matters to attend to.

Your speech? I read it. It's dull,
plodding, pedantic, like yourself.

- I could help you with it.
- No, thank you.

You've never been to the ruins
at Tagus III, have you?

No. They were sealed off
over a century ago.

Well, that explains it, then.

How can you write about something
that you've never seen?

I know! Why don't I take you there?

Out of the question.
We'd be breaking Taguan law.

Must you always be so ethical?
We could travel back in time.

You could see Tagus
as it was two billion years ago.

They really knew
how to party back in those days.

My answer is still no.

My lecture will have to stand
on its own. Now please leave my ship!

You are the most impossible
person to buy a gift for!

Cmdr Riker,
will you report to my ready room?

Yes, Captain?

I've just been paid a visit from Q.

Q? Any idea what he's up to?

He wants
to do something nice for me.

I'll alert the crew.

Captain.

- Who's there?
- It's me.

- Who?
- Jean-Luc.

- Yes?
- May I come in?

Let me try to explain. I...

I am by no means embarrassed
by your presence here.

On the contrary.

What's this? A map of the ruins?

I thought that I was the only reason
you came to Tagus.

I never fooled you for a second.

Still,
you are the most important reason.

Am l?

That's the problem
with being such a well-known liar.

Even when I'm telling the truth,
no one believes me.

These have to be confiscated.

Is that necessary?

If the Taguans caught you there...

Come on! You gave me
the same warning about Sarthong V.

- I remember.
- It didn't stop me.

I brought back
some impressive artefacts!

And sold them
for an impressive profit?

That's what I do!

Not on board my ship.
I will not allow it!

Get one thing straight. I cannot
change who I am for you or anyone.

Nor can I change who I am.

Then we have nothing more to say.

So it would seem.

Sleeping alone?

I'm in no mood
for your foolishness, Q.

There's something different
about you.

You seem tense, preoccupied,
somewhat smaller.

I thought it was your
horrible lecture, but I was wrong.

Whatever your game is
it will have to wait till tomorrow.

I had such high hopes for you,
Picard.

I thought you were more evolved
than the rest of your species.

But now I realize
you're as weak as all the others.

Still, it pains me to see the great
Picard brought down by a woman.

What woman?

Don't play coy with me, Captain.

I witnessed
your little spat with Vash.

Nor will I forget the anguish
on your face. The pain, the misery.

If I didn't know better, I'd have
thought you were already married.

Your imagination
is running away with you!

This human emotion, love.

It's a dangerous thing
and you're ill-equipped to handle it.

She's found a vulnerability in you,
something I've looked for for years.

If I'd known sooner,
I would have appeared as a female.

Mark my words, Picard.
This is your Achilles heel.

Believe what you wish.

Do you deny
that you care for this woman?

I'd be doing you a favour
if I turned her into a Klabnian eel.

- Stay away from her, Q!
- I was just trying to help.

- My debt to you...
- Is hereby nullified!

I don't want your help,
your advice, your favours,

or, for that matter, you.
Understand? Once and for all!

You'd have me stand idly by
as she led you to your destruction?

Yes!

As you wish.

Ladies and gentlemen, members
of the Archaeology Council, welcome.

Mystery.

It is the mystery of Tagus III
that brings us here together today.

It is a mystery that has invited
more argument, more deduction,

more speculation
than the best works of fiction.

And, if you will excuse the conceit,

I want to tell you
about my detective story.

For several years, I've tried
to unravel the secrets of Tagus III.

I've not succeeded.

However, I have found some new
information that, if nothing else,

only raises a new set of mysteries
which I hope we can discuss together.

There have been 947
known archaeological excavations

on the planet's surface.

Of those, 74 have revealed
findings of major importance.

The earliest
was some 22,000 years ago.

What the hell...?

Q!

Is this Tagus III?

I doubt there are many oak trees
on Tagus.

No. I think
this is supposed to be Earth,

somewhere
round about the 12th century.

This is England, or to be precise,
Q's recreation of Sherwood Forest.

That explains the costumes.

Right, Number One.
Or should I say John Little.

If he's Little John,
that makes you...

I know! Robin Hood.

Sir, I protest! I am not a Merry Man!

On the contrary, Lt Worf,

your clothing identifies you
as Will Scarlet.

Geordi's mandolin
identifies him as Alan-a-Dale.

You, Mr. Data, bear a striking
resemblance to Friar Tuck.

I will not play the fool
for Q's amusement!

I have you at last, Robin Hood.

Quick, into the forest!

Mr. Worf, that's an order!

Enough, you fools!

We'll never find them
in the greenwood.

I've managed to stop the bleeding.

Q! It's about time you showed up.

I would prefer you to address me
as the High Sheriff of Nottingham.

We will not share
in this pointless fantasy!

Fine! Stay here and do nothing.

By midday tomorrow, your crew
will be safely aboard their ship.

But you'll have to accept
the consequences of your inaction.

Consequences?

What is the one thing
that Robin Hood is most famous for?

He robs the rich to give to the poor.

Besides that.

Perhaps you refer to the rescue of
Maid Marian from Nottingham Castle?

Yes, Data!

And it just so happens
Sir Guy of Gisbourne has decreed

Maid Marian's head
shall come off tomorrow at noon.

- Vash!
- It's your choice, Robin.

Either take your ease
in this sylvan glade

or risk your life to save the woman
you care nothing about.

My feelings for Vash are irrelevant.

I would try to save
any innocent life, as you know.

What about your Merry Men? Will you
jeopardize their lives as well?

Is Vash's life worth more
than Data's or Troi's or Worf's?

Worf, you'd make a perfect throw rug
in Nottingham Castle.

Q, end this before someone gets hurt!

That's impossible.

I've given this fantasy,
as you call it, a life of its own.

I have no more idea what will happen
than you do.

But of one thing
I am absolutely sure.

If you dare come
to Nottingham Castle,

blood will be spilt.

You'll wear yourself out
with all that pacing, milady!

I told you to stop calling me that.
The name is Vash.

My poor lamb. You've got
a brain sickness, for sure!

Can't I get something
to ease your suffering?

I could use a drink.

I wasn't thinking of spirits,
but I've some nice fresh leeches.

- To drain the fever.
- Out! Get out!

- Her mind's in a turmoil, Sir Guy!
- Who the hell are you?

Milady, everyone in Nottingham knows.
Sir Guy of Gisbourne!

- Sir Guy of what?
- Leave us.

Do not mock me, Lady Marian.

I'm prepared to offer you
one last chance to change your mind.

Will you marry me?

I see.

Then the execution
will proceed as scheduled.

What execution?

I warn you.

This pathetic feigning of madness
will not save your life.

You mean I'm the one being executed?
Sir Guy, wait a minute!

Couldn't we talk this over?

I admit,
I haven't been myself lately.

Maybe we've both been a bit hasty?

Please?

Sorry.

Data!

Are you alright?

The arrow impacted
above my sixth intercostal support,

penetrating
my secondary subprocessor.

Fortunately,
my biofunctions seem unaffected.

Do not be concerned, Counsellor.
I believe your aim is improving.

We must get out of here, Captain.

Not "we", Number One.
You must all stay here till I return.

- You're going to save her yourself?
- It's not a mission. It's personal.

It's between Q and me.
I don't want you involved.

- Captain!
- You have your orders, Commander.

And I expect you to follow them!

A touch sharper, shall we?

Such benevolence! Allowing
the prisoner a breath of fresh air?

You're mistaken, Sheriff.

- Maid Marian promises to be my wife.
- What?!

- But that's impossible!
- Not at all.

Though I admit a maiden
seldom wins such a noble husband.

A toast.

To the most beautiful bride-to-be
in the whole of England.

Don't drink that! It could be poison.

- Have you gone mad?
- A foul scheme of Robin Hood's.

- She's in league with him.
- Robin Hood?

Robin Hood!
Well, that was over long ago.

You're still in love with him!

That's a lie! He bewitched me.
He put me under some evil spell.

I suspected as much.

Add sorcery to the list of charges
against that rogue.

If anyone's bewitched here, it's you.

Silence!

Any more impudence
and it'll be your head on the block!

Guard!

Escort Lady Marian to her chamber.

I'd rather stay here with you.

Of course you would, my child!
But I have important business.

- Lovely creature!
- Intriguing.

One step closer, I'll scream!

- Vash, damn it, it's me!
- Jean-Luc!

You won't believe
what I've been going through!

Suddenly, I'm in Nottingham.
They were gonna chop my head off.

Now I have to marry this Sir Guy,

and everyone insists
on calling me Marian!

- Yes, I know.
- You do? But how?

You're Robin Hood!

My staff and I were brought here
by an old adversary, Q.

I'll tell you more when we're safe.
Quick!

- The others are outside?
- Back in the forest.

- You came alone?
- Right.

- What kind of plan is that?
- A good one.

- You know our lives are at stake?
- Only too well.

Your best strategy
is one man against a castle?

You have a better one?

- How about you go and I stay here?
- And do what?

- Marry Sir Guy if I have to.
- That's brilliant!

If there's a way to escape,
I'll find it eventually,

with my head still attached!

- You believe I'd leave you here?
- I can look after myself.

You are the most stubborn woman
I ever knew.

There'll be no escape this time,
Robin Hood!

Stay behind me.

- You should have left.
- Well done, my dear.

Consider it my wedding gift, darling.

Congratulations, Sir Guy.
You've snared the jackal.

It's Marian who deserves the credit.

Took him with his own sword.

- You sent for me, milady?
- Take this to Robin's men.

Me, go to Sherwood Forest
at this time of night?!

- Leave immediately.
- But it's dark. I'll get lost.

And it's not safe, with all them
hedge robbers lurking about.

Please. This is urgent.

You'd be better off with Sir Guy.

He has a future. You'll be living
in London afore long!

You must go, or they'll kill him!

Out!

How dare you barge in!

I wish to apologize
for my harsh words.

- I'd no idea you were so ruthless.
- Most gracious of you!

I admit I was surprised,
but no more than Jean-Luc.

You're Q!

Yes. And you are
a very interesting woman.

What is this?

- Give that to me!
- A letter to Riker!

"Quick! Come to the castle.
Save the Captain." This is wonderful!

What marvellous duplicity.
You certainly fooled Sir Guy.

Me, as well!
I think you're worth further study.

Am l?

Unfortunately,
we just don't have the time.

Guards!

Take this traitor away! It appears
there'll be a double execution.

- This whole thing is your fault.
- My fault?!

Yes, your fault.

If you hadn't grabbed my sword,
we'd be in Sherwood now.

I grabbed your sword
to stop you being killed.

Really? Not as a wedding present
for Sir Guy?

You know I wouldn't go through
with that.

- Do l? You shouldn't interfere.
- You're the one interfering!

- I was rescuing you!
- Next time, don't bother.

- I won't.
- Don't you two ever stop arguing?

Tell me, Robin, as you face the
termination of your insect existence,

do you see what brought you
to this end? Was she worth it?

Can we just get this over with?

Are you implying
that I'm not worth it?

Q, your game was for my benefit.
She is innocent in all of this.

She is many things,
none of them innocent.

- Let her go!
- Jean-Luc, you do care!

A gallant gesture, Robin,
but a futile one.

Farewell. I hope the two of you
are happy together.

You have been found guilty
of outlawry and high treason.

Anything to say
before sentence is carried out?

- I...
- Prepare them for the block!

There are too many of them.

Data, we need a diversion now.

Guards! Take Marian to the tower!

I'll have you know I'm the greatest
swordsman in all of Nottingham.

Very impressive!

There's something you should know!

- And what would that be?
- I'm not from Nottingham.

Jean-Luc!

It's over, Q!

Get us out of here!

My compliments, Picard. Robin Hood
himself couldn't have done better.

- If you've hurt any of my people...
- Sadly enough, they're all fine.

My point is, they might
have been killed. So might you.

All for the love of a maid.
My debt to you, Picard, is paid,

If you've learned how weak you are,

if you see how love
brings out the worst in you...

You're absolutely wrong!
It's brought out the best in him.

His nobility, courage,
self-sacrifice, tenderness...

You're good. You're really good!

Enough of this!

Indeed.

- Is everyone here?
- Where's Vash?

Computer,
locate Council Member Vash.

Council Member Vash
is not aboard the Enterprise.

Hello, Jean-Luc.

This is a relief.
I thought Q had found you...

- He had things to discuss with me.
- Indeed?

Surprised he's not
gloating over his victory.

He was right about one thing.

As ridiculous as it was, his game
did prove that you still care.

I may not show my feelings
to my crew, but I do have them.

I'll miss you, Jean-Luc.

- So, where are you off to now?
- I haven't made up my mind.

She has the entire universe
to choose from.

- Meet my new partner.
- Him?

- Why not?
- I'll tell you why not!

Jean-Luc, let's not be unkind.

He's devious, amoral, unreliable,
irresponsible and...

- ..and definitely not to be trusted!
- Remind you of someone you know?

As a matter of fact, it does.

We're going to have fun. I'll take
her places no human has ever seen.

Who can resist an offer like that?

As payment in full of your debt
to me, you will guarantee her safety.

She will not be harmed,
I promise you that.

Are you going to kiss her goodbye?

Alright.

Well? Aren't you?

I'm sorry.

I forgot my hat.

Goodbye, Jean-Luc.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.