Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Veritas - full transcript
Mariner, Boimler, Tendi, and Rutherford are caught off guard when aliens force them to testify about a series of seemingly unrelated events.
Oh, God, Oh, God.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
This is bad. This is very bad.
I'm not supposed to be here.
I have a pottery class at 0900!
Hey, just calm down.
We don't know what this is.
Are you kidding me?! Creepy
stone walls, jagged metal bars.
This has alien prison
written all over it.
A prison? Nah. No way, man.
- This is a dungeon.
- That's even worse!
Hello? Can someone give us
some context in here, please?
A dungeon?! But we
didn't do anything. Did we?
Oh.
I've been replicating
a lot of ice.
Are we not supposed to do that?
I really like ice.
I saw the captain
and the bridge crew
get taken into another room.
What if they
were replicating ice, too?!
Guys, this is basically a resort
compared to what
the Klingons do to you.
I'm sure it's not a big...
- Uh, hi?
- Oh, man,
they have all of our commanders
suspended in a beam!
- They must be on trial.
- For what?
Fellow Primes!
These Federation witnesses
have been brought before you
to speak truth
about the senior officers
of the Federation starship
Cerritos.
I-I didn't witness anything.
Did you?
I don't know. What's the
difference between witnessing
and just lookin' at something?
You will speak only
into the Horn of Candor!
With this horn,
one of our most sacred horns,
you must only speak the truth.
Happy to be here.
I-I don't even know
what we're supposed
to be telling the truth about.
The first to give testimony
will be
Ensign Beckett Mariner.
Ship logs state
you were present on the bridge
when the Cerritos made contact
with the Clicket ship Tweerk
on stardate 57818.4.
Uh, I was, but I don't know
what you want me to...
Tell us
of those wondrous events!
Okay. It started off
as a usual day.
We were just hanging out.
I mean, we were just doing work
in the repair bay.
Roga Danar? Are you nuts?
I said "Who's
the all-time biggest badass?"
not "Who's a dude
nobody's heard about?"
Uh, everyone knows Roga Danar.
- No, they don't.
- He totally outsmarted Picard,
and he has amazing hair!
Well, what about Khan, right?
Khan was a genetically
engineered supervillain!
Dude was a space seed.
Ooh, ooh, pause for a second.
I want to talk about Khan
and that thicc, thicc chest,
but I got to pee.
Roga Danar.
Get the out of my face.
Guys, the ship's at red alert.
Uh, no, it isn't.
Yeah, that's impossible.
I messed with our speakers
so they'd be extra loud
during a red alert.
We'd know for sure.
You messed
with the red alert speakers?
Uh, it's, like, red alert
everywhere except here!
- Rutherford!
- Aw, man.
Oh, we're gonna get
in such big trouble for this.
We have to get to our stations!
Gah, why did we have
to have bridge duty today?
We're gonna walk in
and everyone's gonna be
- lookin' at us.
- No, they won't. Just chill.
Okay, we'll just explain what
happened and why we're late.
It'll-it'll be fine.
You want Rutherford fired? No.
Just follow my lead, all right?
We'll fake it.
- Fake what?!
- It!
I'm not faking on the bridge.
That's insane!
The captain already knows
what she wants you to do,
so just nod and agree with her,
or we'll all end up
getting kicked off the ship
and then we'll have
to live on Earth,
where there's nothing to do
except drink wine
and hang out at vineyards
and soul food restaurants!
Ugh, these guys are maniacs.
Captain, what happened?
They just randomly attacked me
for thanking them.
This injustice will not stan.
We gave you the map,
and now you turn on us?!
Captain, this is all
a misunderstanding.
I simply showed gratitude for
your map of the Neutral Zone.
Gratitude?! How dare you!
- Who is this guy?
- Who cares, man?
Bug alien. Roll with it.
I meant no offense.
I think your people have
a different definition
of "gratitude."
Give us back the map!
Ugh, this guy is really buggin'!
Mariner, what do you think?
I think you know exactly how
to handle this, Captain.
You're right about that.
Ensign Boimler, I want options.
Uh, about the... this alien guy?
Yes. Obviously.
Uh, what specifically do
you wish to know?
Aw, come on, man!
This is your chance to prove
you got what it takes!
Oh! Well,
I-I don't know, uh, who, uh...
Well, the truth is...
Uh, I think we should do,
uh, what you want to do, Cap'n.
Cap'n's choice.
I'm not asking you
to kiss my ass.
Come on. No wrong answers.
Uh, okay.
We could do evasive maneuver
eighty...
eight...?
Is he ing serious?
That was the wrong answer!
- I meant 84.
- In this situation?
- Are you crazy?
- Mariner!
Have you
not been paying attention?
That could get us killed.
No, no, no, no. I was kidding.
Let's just... Let's use the
impulse drive to... Crazy Ivan.
- Ugh! Who the hell is he talking about?
- What in the world is that?!
- What? -That's insane.
- But-but-but-but...
Son,
you're embarrassing yourself.
You got a lot to learn. Mariner,
why don't you send
our friends a message.
Good call, Captain.
- What?! -Are you insane?!
- What the hell are you doing?!
You said "Send them a message."
That means phasers!
It means to send them a message
to invite them to dinner!
No, it doesn't!
Target their bridge!
Stop! Stop!
What are you talking about?!
What? I'm just telling you
what happened.
You expect me to believe
a Starfleet officer
wouldn't know what's going on
with their ship
at all times?!
Look, I'm not proud of it,
but yeah.
What about the map?
Tell me about the map!
Uh, there was a map?
That's the most important part!
Dude, look, I work
on a spaceship, all right?
We don't have maps.
We have stellar cartography.
What is wrong with you?!
Place her
in the Tank of Contempt!
Oh! We got eels.
There's eels over here.
Mariner's not lying!
I was there!
We didn't see a map!
Perhaps this is
a misunderstanding.
You may go un-eeled.
For now.
Better luck next time, eels.
Why does this guy care so much
about a map of the Neutral Zone?
Yeah, it's so neutral.
Yeah, like, what would you
even do with a map like that?
I have no idea.
Ensign Samanthan Rutherford,
perhaps you
can illuminate me more
than your unobservant
compatriots.
Um, well, I mean,
my cyborg implant
does give me perfect memory.
That will be of great use!
Tell me of stardate 57791.1.
All right.
Stardate 5779, eh... Hey.
Wait, are you sure
you want that one?
Just 'cause I have
so many great stardates in here.
Other than that one.
I want the one I said!
Uh, you're not gonna like it.
So, there I was,
rotating the EPS capacitors.
See, they overheat
when you leave them
facing one direction too long.
Hey, sirs!
You want to rotate with me?
Maybe sing a little song?
If you heard the one earlier...
No! Does your implant
have Romulan flight manuals
- and repair information?
- Uh, not right now.
- I'd need to update it.
- Then do it. Now!
Uh, well, usually I like
to update it while I'm asleep
'cause it kind of messes
with my...
- No! Do it now!
- You do it right this second!
Okeydokey.
30 seconds until restart.
- Is it done yet?!
- What? No. It just started.
While we wait, I'll fill you in
on the plan.
Oh, uh, first off:
do you have all your shots?
- Wait. Which shots? Like, with needles?
- Ten seconds.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Let me just...
We don't want you getting
Dinobulan flesh-eating bacteria
- on your pe...
- Hold up just a second. My implant is also...
- It'll eat right through your underpants.
- My what?!
I've seen it happen.
Terrible way to die.
- Restarting Rutherford.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa. I think I blacked out
and lost a little bit of time
during that update.
Great work nerve-pinching
those Vulcans, baby bear.
Who knew you'd be better
at it than they are?
- I did? But I don't know how to nerve-pinch.
- Ha!
Tell that to Spock and Spock.
Oh, when my implant
was rebooting,
it must have taken control.
We're entering the atmosphere.
Brace for turbulence.
Sirs, you don't understand.
I don't know what's going on.
When we're in the museum, our
window's gonna be really tight.
- Museum?
- We have to deploy now!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Verifying update. System will
restart in three seconds.
- Ah! Romulan Bird-of-Prey?
- Quiet!
We don't want
to draw any attention.
- From who? What are we doing? What's happening?
- Hey!
What are you two doing
back here?
You've drawn my attention.
Distract him with the fan dance!
I'm sorry. My what now?
- Dance, boy! Dance!
- Ooh. Ooh. Yeah.
Feels good, feels right...
Hey! Stop that!
Now you're distracting me!
Right. Right.
I want the regular fan dance!
What are you doing?!
My best.
Verifying download.
Aah! What the heck?!
Hello? How am I standing
in space?
Huh?
Ah.
Cloaked Bird-of-Prey.
Wait. Did I steal this?!
- Aah, Mark Twain's got a gun!
- Billups! Oh, man, are you okay?
- Tasha, no! The garbage bag's behind you!
- Oh, no.
Sir,
you have nitrogen intoxication.
You only have 60 seconds
of air left!
Stop goofing around!
Get in here!
Verifying update.
System restart in ten second.
Watch it!
No, no, no, over there!
Stupid... cloaked Bird.
- Updating Klingon fonts.
- What?!
Why do I even need that?
Watch out for the controls!
They're set to...
Gorn wedding!
Aah! Get me out of here,
implant!
Nice try, Gorns!
It's still the Gorn wedding?
Ouch. Help! Help!
Come on, Gorns, please!
A Gorn wedding?!
How has this become
about a Gorn wedding?!
What are you avoiding?
Look, I'm just telling you
the events
of stardate 57791.1, all right?
Damn. Rude.
I want details on how
you stole the Bird-of-Prey!
I know, man. Me, too!
Wait. Why would Shaxs
make him steal
some old Bird-of-Prey? What
would they even do with that?
Beats me. I mean,
it could be for anything.
Like, who even knows?
Take him!
Eels?!
Dude, are you not
paying attention?
- Hey! Leave them alone!
- Oh?
Well, perhaps you,
Ensign D'vana Tendi,
can prove more illuminating.
Oh, I've always wanted
to testify about stuff!
This is so cool!
Hi, everyone!
Don't talk to them!
Have you
and Commander Jack Ransom
ever set foot
in the Romulan Neutral Zone?
I can't tell you that.
Oh, come on!
This is an easy one!
Why are you making this
so difficult?
...Tendi,
just tell him what he wants!
All right, fine! But this was
a classified mission,
so I'll have
to leave some things out.
I had just been given
a major assignment.
Mariner! Mariner, guess what?
I get to tidy
the conference rooms!
Ah! What should I wear?
Probably just my uniform, right?
Ugh! How are you so excited?
You know you're just gonna be
wiping cat fur off chairs.
Uh, do you know how many
big decisions happen
in those conference rooms?
That's where
they talk about the Borg.
You can talk about the Borg
anywhere.
Yeah, but when you do it
in a conference room,
it becomes a conference.
I never get
to clean the conference room.
Wow.
The captain's chair.
Oh, I'm gonna make you
extra clean. Huh?
Secure the room, Lieutenant.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, stop.
You can't omit details
like that!
Yeah, but I already did, so...
Are you so stubborn
that you're willing
to risk death by eels?
Yes, that's correct.
Then continue.
You must be The Cleaner.
Yes, sirree.
And happy to be here.
Glad to have you. This
mission is highly classified.
From here on out, you're
- and.
- Wow.
All right, everybody,
listen up. I'm serious.
This is important.
If we're captured...
He's glad to have me!
Gosh, it's just so nice
to be recognized for my work.
And cleaning the conference room
is important. I knew it.
Wait, I should be
paying attention.
This is why we got
matching tattoos.
- 10-4.
- Lock and load.
We're for life.
Check out this map.
It's gonna lead us
- straight into the Neutral Z...
- ...one.
The Neutral what, now?
The package is located here.
Guards are stationed
here and here on weekends.
If we run into trouble,
Cleaner will extract us.
Let's this up!
Yeah...
Phaser rifles.
Oh, snap!
That's the ship from my stor!
I knew
I should have made it clear
that I wasn't supposed
to be there,
but every time I was about to...
So, here is a very funny thing.
Um, I think that there was
a misunderstanding,
- and I...
- Everyone quiet! They're scanning the area.
- Ah...
- That was close.
We're lucky we have this
Bird-of-Prey, or we'd be toast.
Uh, but what I was saying was...
Shh! They're scanning again.
They stopped scanning.
Cleaner, what was that?
- What I was saying was...
- Oh, no, they're scanning!
Okay, now they're not
scanning anymore.
- Anything important... Whoa!
- What I was...
Stop! I'm picking up scannin!
Okay, they're done scanning.
Oh, God!
They're scanning again!
No, no. That was on me.
That was wrong. No, I wasn't!
Uh, so, a-about me
being "the cleaner..."
Yeah, yeah. At your age,
it's very impressive.
Comm silence from here on out.
Whoa.
- You know who I hate? Remans.
- Oh, they're the worst.
Sorry.
Apologizing to the enemy?
- That's cold, Cleaner.
- You're playing
some real up mind games.
- Stay here, cover our six.
- Six what?
Copy.
Is that the package?
Cleaner, do your thing!
What's my thing? I have a thing?
What's my thing?!
Whoa, I thought she was
just supposed to beam us
- out of here.
- She was.
I do not know what's going
on here. This is crazy.
Congrats, boys.
The package is safely on board,
and there's no indication
that the Rom...
...ulan high council
detected us.
Yeah!
Too bad we have to deny
this ever happened,
because you were awesome.
You,
you're crazy.
This is where Billups sits.
Stop!
You expect me to believe that?
Yes, that is where Billups sits.
You did not do martial arts
on multiple armed guards!
You're right. I didn't.
I tried to be reasonable.
I tried to get to the truth.
Today didn't have to end
in eels!
Ignite the burners!
Oh!
Why would you have burners
and eels? It's redundant!
Just tell me about the package.
What was inside the package?
I don't know, but whatever
it was, I'm sure it was great.
I think you're hurting the eels!
This can all be
over if you just tell me
what your bridge crew did!
We can't tell you.
Why? Why?
Because we don't know!
We never know anything!
We're lower decks.
No one ever tells us
what's going on.
We're not important enough
to have anything
to lie to you about.
You're Starfleet.
Surely you must be briefed
on every contingency.
Yeah, I wish.
The senior officers
don't always have time
to keep us up to speed.
Hell, sometimes, they don't
even know what's going on.
Impossible!
Human lies!
You are the best of the best!
Your senior officers
are always in full control!
No, they're not.
They mess up all the time.
Like whenever Q shows up.
Voilà!
- Oh, what?
- Damn you, Q!
Good luck solving
my little puzzle, mes amis.
Tell me, now, can you prove
that humanity is worth saving?
I think not.
Well, he clearly wants us
to play something.
Ah! It's soccer. Okay.
- Oh!
- What's humanity all about?
It's puzzle time.
It's puzzle time.
- Ugh. Any ideas? Anybody?
- Oh!
Or half of Ransom's alien dates
that he doesn't do
any research for.
You are so funny, Mary Anne.
How about we keep this party
going in my quarters?
Hey. Hey, Jack. FYI, you're
hitting on a salt vampire.
Yeah, right. Nice try.
Salt vampires died out
more than a century ago.
- All right. Cool, be safe.
- Come on, Mary Anne.
Let's get out of here.
I'll give you the tour
of casa de Ransom.
Salt vampire!
- You're making this up.
- Nuh-uh.
I read all their logs. They'e
stepping in it all the time.
Captain. Captain!
Someone is replacing
everyone on the ship
with imposters
who claim not to know me.
We might be
in a parallel dimension.
- And you are?
- Uh...
Wait, is this...
is this not the Cerritos?
This is the Alhambra.
Did you get on the wrong ship?
They all look the same!
Who the hell was that?
Why are you doing this to me?
I need you to tell me
that your senior officers
are infallible heroes.
Well, they're not.
And that's okay.
We all joined Starfleet
to dive headfirst
into the unknown.
We're explorers.
Of course we don't always know
what's going on.
Did Picard know about the Borg?
Did Kirk know about
that giant Spock on Phylos?
Did Dr. Crusher know about
that ghost in the lamp thing
from the Scottish planet
that she hooked up with
that one time? That whole thing.
You clearly want us to say
that the captain
and her crew messed up,
but we simply don't have
the full story,
and that's the truth!
Whatever they did, I guarantee
you it was all for good.
You have shown no evidence
that they're guilty of a crime.
In fact, I find you guilty
of trying to take them down
with this sham of a trial!
Drumhead!
Wait, you think this is a trial?
Uh, yes?
- It's not?
- Yeah, I mean, it's pretty trial-y.
Could someone
bring up the lights?
This isn't a trial.
It's a party,
for this brave crew
who rescued me
from the Romulans.
What?
I was kidnapped by Romulans
and held for over a year
until they saved me.
Imperium Magistrate Clar, you're
safe now, aboard the Cerritos.
Thank you, Captain Freeman.
Thank you.
You must come and celebrate
with me on K'Tuevon Prime.
Your deeds and my victory
will forever be etched
- onto our great history stone.
- Can't say no to a party.
Oh, great, guess I'll have
to shave my.
Yeah, maybe you should.
What's that about?
I don't know, man.
Something dumb.
This was supposed
to be my special day.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
This is a trial.
You said we were witnesses,
- you said we had to testify.
- Are you stupid?
How could you think
this was a trial?
Because you've got our bosses
suspended in a scary-ass beam.
That is the beam of celebration!
It is an honor
to be in this beam.
Shut up, Billups!
Hey, man, this is not on us.
I mean, all of that chanting,
and the-the metal gavel?
This is, like, alien trial 101.
You raised us up on a platform
into a creepy courtroom.
Creepy? This is one
of our nicest event silos.
- I got married here!
- Wh... Well, then, who's this judge?
This guy's just been, like,
scowling at us the whole time.
- I don't know him.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just here
to set up for a birthday later
for my little girl.
- She's turning 100.
- Aw.
Okay, all right, Clar,
time's up.
- Etchers down.
- But-but...
we didn't even get
to do any etching.
No, no, no, no. You only paid
for 22 minutes.
Other people got to etch.
Oh, come on.
But-but wh... Okay, what about,
what about the eels?
You held us in contempt,
of eels.
All right, come on.
That's enough.
- You dipped us in eels!
- You ruined my party!
Those were eels
you dipped us in!
- You did that! You did it!
- You ruined my party!
Today you four almost
got yourselves killed
at a thank-you dinner.
But, the way you stood up
for Starfleet
while you thought you were
staring death in the face
deserves commendation.
I guess.
Going forward,
we'll make an effort
to keep the crew more informed.
The Cerritos will be
synonymous with clarity.
Wait, so then what did
Clar do to get captured
by the Romulans?
I-I missed that part.
Well, it's-it's complicated.
Why did you let him
hurt us with eels
if you knew it wasn't a trial?
We have to honor the local
customs of alien governments.
And can you tell me
who was on that secret team
that infiltrated
the Neutral Zone?
Uh, I'm not at liberty to...
And why couldn't you just ask
the Vulcans to borrow
the Bird-of-Prey?
And where did they get it?
And why was that a job
for the Cerritos?
Why couldn't it have just been
a job for, like, the Enterprise,
- or...
- Okay, you know what? It's classified.
It's all classified. Dismissed!
Hey, everybody, look, we got
Captain Clarity over here.
I said dismissed!
Honestly, this is fine with me.
Knowing things means more work.
Well, I, for one, knew
it was a party the whole time.
Yeah, right, dude.
- I did.
- Then why were you crying?
I just... i-it was cold in there.
I've got sensitive corneas.
I told you.
I challenge you all to a duel.
Pick your weapons.
I pick the mind.
Get out of here, Q! No.
We are done
with random stuff today.
We're not dealing
with any of your Q bull.
Oh, s'il vous plaît, Mariner.
I want to put humanity
to the ultimate test.
Okay, I'm not French. No.
- Go find Picard.
- Oh, Picard.
He's no fun, he's always
quoting Shakespeare,
he's always making wine.
Chirp.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
This is bad. This is very bad.
I'm not supposed to be here.
I have a pottery class at 0900!
Hey, just calm down.
We don't know what this is.
Are you kidding me?! Creepy
stone walls, jagged metal bars.
This has alien prison
written all over it.
A prison? Nah. No way, man.
- This is a dungeon.
- That's even worse!
Hello? Can someone give us
some context in here, please?
A dungeon?! But we
didn't do anything. Did we?
Oh.
I've been replicating
a lot of ice.
Are we not supposed to do that?
I really like ice.
I saw the captain
and the bridge crew
get taken into another room.
What if they
were replicating ice, too?!
Guys, this is basically a resort
compared to what
the Klingons do to you.
I'm sure it's not a big...
- Uh, hi?
- Oh, man,
they have all of our commanders
suspended in a beam!
- They must be on trial.
- For what?
Fellow Primes!
These Federation witnesses
have been brought before you
to speak truth
about the senior officers
of the Federation starship
Cerritos.
I-I didn't witness anything.
Did you?
I don't know. What's the
difference between witnessing
and just lookin' at something?
You will speak only
into the Horn of Candor!
With this horn,
one of our most sacred horns,
you must only speak the truth.
Happy to be here.
I-I don't even know
what we're supposed
to be telling the truth about.
The first to give testimony
will be
Ensign Beckett Mariner.
Ship logs state
you were present on the bridge
when the Cerritos made contact
with the Clicket ship Tweerk
on stardate 57818.4.
Uh, I was, but I don't know
what you want me to...
Tell us
of those wondrous events!
Okay. It started off
as a usual day.
We were just hanging out.
I mean, we were just doing work
in the repair bay.
Roga Danar? Are you nuts?
I said "Who's
the all-time biggest badass?"
not "Who's a dude
nobody's heard about?"
Uh, everyone knows Roga Danar.
- No, they don't.
- He totally outsmarted Picard,
and he has amazing hair!
Well, what about Khan, right?
Khan was a genetically
engineered supervillain!
Dude was a space seed.
Ooh, ooh, pause for a second.
I want to talk about Khan
and that thicc, thicc chest,
but I got to pee.
Roga Danar.
Get the out of my face.
Guys, the ship's at red alert.
Uh, no, it isn't.
Yeah, that's impossible.
I messed with our speakers
so they'd be extra loud
during a red alert.
We'd know for sure.
You messed
with the red alert speakers?
Uh, it's, like, red alert
everywhere except here!
- Rutherford!
- Aw, man.
Oh, we're gonna get
in such big trouble for this.
We have to get to our stations!
Gah, why did we have
to have bridge duty today?
We're gonna walk in
and everyone's gonna be
- lookin' at us.
- No, they won't. Just chill.
Okay, we'll just explain what
happened and why we're late.
It'll-it'll be fine.
You want Rutherford fired? No.
Just follow my lead, all right?
We'll fake it.
- Fake what?!
- It!
I'm not faking on the bridge.
That's insane!
The captain already knows
what she wants you to do,
so just nod and agree with her,
or we'll all end up
getting kicked off the ship
and then we'll have
to live on Earth,
where there's nothing to do
except drink wine
and hang out at vineyards
and soul food restaurants!
Ugh, these guys are maniacs.
Captain, what happened?
They just randomly attacked me
for thanking them.
This injustice will not stan.
We gave you the map,
and now you turn on us?!
Captain, this is all
a misunderstanding.
I simply showed gratitude for
your map of the Neutral Zone.
Gratitude?! How dare you!
- Who is this guy?
- Who cares, man?
Bug alien. Roll with it.
I meant no offense.
I think your people have
a different definition
of "gratitude."
Give us back the map!
Ugh, this guy is really buggin'!
Mariner, what do you think?
I think you know exactly how
to handle this, Captain.
You're right about that.
Ensign Boimler, I want options.
Uh, about the... this alien guy?
Yes. Obviously.
Uh, what specifically do
you wish to know?
Aw, come on, man!
This is your chance to prove
you got what it takes!
Oh! Well,
I-I don't know, uh, who, uh...
Well, the truth is...
Uh, I think we should do,
uh, what you want to do, Cap'n.
Cap'n's choice.
I'm not asking you
to kiss my ass.
Come on. No wrong answers.
Uh, okay.
We could do evasive maneuver
eighty...
eight...?
Is he ing serious?
That was the wrong answer!
- I meant 84.
- In this situation?
- Are you crazy?
- Mariner!
Have you
not been paying attention?
That could get us killed.
No, no, no, no. I was kidding.
Let's just... Let's use the
impulse drive to... Crazy Ivan.
- Ugh! Who the hell is he talking about?
- What in the world is that?!
- What? -That's insane.
- But-but-but-but...
Son,
you're embarrassing yourself.
You got a lot to learn. Mariner,
why don't you send
our friends a message.
Good call, Captain.
- What?! -Are you insane?!
- What the hell are you doing?!
You said "Send them a message."
That means phasers!
It means to send them a message
to invite them to dinner!
No, it doesn't!
Target their bridge!
Stop! Stop!
What are you talking about?!
What? I'm just telling you
what happened.
You expect me to believe
a Starfleet officer
wouldn't know what's going on
with their ship
at all times?!
Look, I'm not proud of it,
but yeah.
What about the map?
Tell me about the map!
Uh, there was a map?
That's the most important part!
Dude, look, I work
on a spaceship, all right?
We don't have maps.
We have stellar cartography.
What is wrong with you?!
Place her
in the Tank of Contempt!
Oh! We got eels.
There's eels over here.
Mariner's not lying!
I was there!
We didn't see a map!
Perhaps this is
a misunderstanding.
You may go un-eeled.
For now.
Better luck next time, eels.
Why does this guy care so much
about a map of the Neutral Zone?
Yeah, it's so neutral.
Yeah, like, what would you
even do with a map like that?
I have no idea.
Ensign Samanthan Rutherford,
perhaps you
can illuminate me more
than your unobservant
compatriots.
Um, well, I mean,
my cyborg implant
does give me perfect memory.
That will be of great use!
Tell me of stardate 57791.1.
All right.
Stardate 5779, eh... Hey.
Wait, are you sure
you want that one?
Just 'cause I have
so many great stardates in here.
Other than that one.
I want the one I said!
Uh, you're not gonna like it.
So, there I was,
rotating the EPS capacitors.
See, they overheat
when you leave them
facing one direction too long.
Hey, sirs!
You want to rotate with me?
Maybe sing a little song?
If you heard the one earlier...
No! Does your implant
have Romulan flight manuals
- and repair information?
- Uh, not right now.
- I'd need to update it.
- Then do it. Now!
Uh, well, usually I like
to update it while I'm asleep
'cause it kind of messes
with my...
- No! Do it now!
- You do it right this second!
Okeydokey.
30 seconds until restart.
- Is it done yet?!
- What? No. It just started.
While we wait, I'll fill you in
on the plan.
Oh, uh, first off:
do you have all your shots?
- Wait. Which shots? Like, with needles?
- Ten seconds.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Let me just...
We don't want you getting
Dinobulan flesh-eating bacteria
- on your pe...
- Hold up just a second. My implant is also...
- It'll eat right through your underpants.
- My what?!
I've seen it happen.
Terrible way to die.
- Restarting Rutherford.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa. I think I blacked out
and lost a little bit of time
during that update.
Great work nerve-pinching
those Vulcans, baby bear.
Who knew you'd be better
at it than they are?
- I did? But I don't know how to nerve-pinch.
- Ha!
Tell that to Spock and Spock.
Oh, when my implant
was rebooting,
it must have taken control.
We're entering the atmosphere.
Brace for turbulence.
Sirs, you don't understand.
I don't know what's going on.
When we're in the museum, our
window's gonna be really tight.
- Museum?
- We have to deploy now!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Verifying update. System will
restart in three seconds.
- Ah! Romulan Bird-of-Prey?
- Quiet!
We don't want
to draw any attention.
- From who? What are we doing? What's happening?
- Hey!
What are you two doing
back here?
You've drawn my attention.
Distract him with the fan dance!
I'm sorry. My what now?
- Dance, boy! Dance!
- Ooh. Ooh. Yeah.
Feels good, feels right...
Hey! Stop that!
Now you're distracting me!
Right. Right.
I want the regular fan dance!
What are you doing?!
My best.
Verifying download.
Aah! What the heck?!
Hello? How am I standing
in space?
Huh?
Ah.
Cloaked Bird-of-Prey.
Wait. Did I steal this?!
- Aah, Mark Twain's got a gun!
- Billups! Oh, man, are you okay?
- Tasha, no! The garbage bag's behind you!
- Oh, no.
Sir,
you have nitrogen intoxication.
You only have 60 seconds
of air left!
Stop goofing around!
Get in here!
Verifying update.
System restart in ten second.
Watch it!
No, no, no, over there!
Stupid... cloaked Bird.
- Updating Klingon fonts.
- What?!
Why do I even need that?
Watch out for the controls!
They're set to...
Gorn wedding!
Aah! Get me out of here,
implant!
Nice try, Gorns!
It's still the Gorn wedding?
Ouch. Help! Help!
Come on, Gorns, please!
A Gorn wedding?!
How has this become
about a Gorn wedding?!
What are you avoiding?
Look, I'm just telling you
the events
of stardate 57791.1, all right?
Damn. Rude.
I want details on how
you stole the Bird-of-Prey!
I know, man. Me, too!
Wait. Why would Shaxs
make him steal
some old Bird-of-Prey? What
would they even do with that?
Beats me. I mean,
it could be for anything.
Like, who even knows?
Take him!
Eels?!
Dude, are you not
paying attention?
- Hey! Leave them alone!
- Oh?
Well, perhaps you,
Ensign D'vana Tendi,
can prove more illuminating.
Oh, I've always wanted
to testify about stuff!
This is so cool!
Hi, everyone!
Don't talk to them!
Have you
and Commander Jack Ransom
ever set foot
in the Romulan Neutral Zone?
I can't tell you that.
Oh, come on!
This is an easy one!
Why are you making this
so difficult?
...Tendi,
just tell him what he wants!
All right, fine! But this was
a classified mission,
so I'll have
to leave some things out.
I had just been given
a major assignment.
Mariner! Mariner, guess what?
I get to tidy
the conference rooms!
Ah! What should I wear?
Probably just my uniform, right?
Ugh! How are you so excited?
You know you're just gonna be
wiping cat fur off chairs.
Uh, do you know how many
big decisions happen
in those conference rooms?
That's where
they talk about the Borg.
You can talk about the Borg
anywhere.
Yeah, but when you do it
in a conference room,
it becomes a conference.
I never get
to clean the conference room.
Wow.
The captain's chair.
Oh, I'm gonna make you
extra clean. Huh?
Secure the room, Lieutenant.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, stop.
You can't omit details
like that!
Yeah, but I already did, so...
Are you so stubborn
that you're willing
to risk death by eels?
Yes, that's correct.
Then continue.
You must be The Cleaner.
Yes, sirree.
And happy to be here.
Glad to have you. This
mission is highly classified.
From here on out, you're
- and.
- Wow.
All right, everybody,
listen up. I'm serious.
This is important.
If we're captured...
He's glad to have me!
Gosh, it's just so nice
to be recognized for my work.
And cleaning the conference room
is important. I knew it.
Wait, I should be
paying attention.
This is why we got
matching tattoos.
- 10-4.
- Lock and load.
We're for life.
Check out this map.
It's gonna lead us
- straight into the Neutral Z...
- ...one.
The Neutral what, now?
The package is located here.
Guards are stationed
here and here on weekends.
If we run into trouble,
Cleaner will extract us.
Let's this up!
Yeah...
Phaser rifles.
Oh, snap!
That's the ship from my stor!
I knew
I should have made it clear
that I wasn't supposed
to be there,
but every time I was about to...
So, here is a very funny thing.
Um, I think that there was
a misunderstanding,
- and I...
- Everyone quiet! They're scanning the area.
- Ah...
- That was close.
We're lucky we have this
Bird-of-Prey, or we'd be toast.
Uh, but what I was saying was...
Shh! They're scanning again.
They stopped scanning.
Cleaner, what was that?
- What I was saying was...
- Oh, no, they're scanning!
Okay, now they're not
scanning anymore.
- Anything important... Whoa!
- What I was...
Stop! I'm picking up scannin!
Okay, they're done scanning.
Oh, God!
They're scanning again!
No, no. That was on me.
That was wrong. No, I wasn't!
Uh, so, a-about me
being "the cleaner..."
Yeah, yeah. At your age,
it's very impressive.
Comm silence from here on out.
Whoa.
- You know who I hate? Remans.
- Oh, they're the worst.
Sorry.
Apologizing to the enemy?
- That's cold, Cleaner.
- You're playing
some real up mind games.
- Stay here, cover our six.
- Six what?
Copy.
Is that the package?
Cleaner, do your thing!
What's my thing? I have a thing?
What's my thing?!
Whoa, I thought she was
just supposed to beam us
- out of here.
- She was.
I do not know what's going
on here. This is crazy.
Congrats, boys.
The package is safely on board,
and there's no indication
that the Rom...
...ulan high council
detected us.
Yeah!
Too bad we have to deny
this ever happened,
because you were awesome.
You,
you're crazy.
This is where Billups sits.
Stop!
You expect me to believe that?
Yes, that is where Billups sits.
You did not do martial arts
on multiple armed guards!
You're right. I didn't.
I tried to be reasonable.
I tried to get to the truth.
Today didn't have to end
in eels!
Ignite the burners!
Oh!
Why would you have burners
and eels? It's redundant!
Just tell me about the package.
What was inside the package?
I don't know, but whatever
it was, I'm sure it was great.
I think you're hurting the eels!
This can all be
over if you just tell me
what your bridge crew did!
We can't tell you.
Why? Why?
Because we don't know!
We never know anything!
We're lower decks.
No one ever tells us
what's going on.
We're not important enough
to have anything
to lie to you about.
You're Starfleet.
Surely you must be briefed
on every contingency.
Yeah, I wish.
The senior officers
don't always have time
to keep us up to speed.
Hell, sometimes, they don't
even know what's going on.
Impossible!
Human lies!
You are the best of the best!
Your senior officers
are always in full control!
No, they're not.
They mess up all the time.
Like whenever Q shows up.
Voilà!
- Oh, what?
- Damn you, Q!
Good luck solving
my little puzzle, mes amis.
Tell me, now, can you prove
that humanity is worth saving?
I think not.
Well, he clearly wants us
to play something.
Ah! It's soccer. Okay.
- Oh!
- What's humanity all about?
It's puzzle time.
It's puzzle time.
- Ugh. Any ideas? Anybody?
- Oh!
Or half of Ransom's alien dates
that he doesn't do
any research for.
You are so funny, Mary Anne.
How about we keep this party
going in my quarters?
Hey. Hey, Jack. FYI, you're
hitting on a salt vampire.
Yeah, right. Nice try.
Salt vampires died out
more than a century ago.
- All right. Cool, be safe.
- Come on, Mary Anne.
Let's get out of here.
I'll give you the tour
of casa de Ransom.
Salt vampire!
- You're making this up.
- Nuh-uh.
I read all their logs. They'e
stepping in it all the time.
Captain. Captain!
Someone is replacing
everyone on the ship
with imposters
who claim not to know me.
We might be
in a parallel dimension.
- And you are?
- Uh...
Wait, is this...
is this not the Cerritos?
This is the Alhambra.
Did you get on the wrong ship?
They all look the same!
Who the hell was that?
Why are you doing this to me?
I need you to tell me
that your senior officers
are infallible heroes.
Well, they're not.
And that's okay.
We all joined Starfleet
to dive headfirst
into the unknown.
We're explorers.
Of course we don't always know
what's going on.
Did Picard know about the Borg?
Did Kirk know about
that giant Spock on Phylos?
Did Dr. Crusher know about
that ghost in the lamp thing
from the Scottish planet
that she hooked up with
that one time? That whole thing.
You clearly want us to say
that the captain
and her crew messed up,
but we simply don't have
the full story,
and that's the truth!
Whatever they did, I guarantee
you it was all for good.
You have shown no evidence
that they're guilty of a crime.
In fact, I find you guilty
of trying to take them down
with this sham of a trial!
Drumhead!
Wait, you think this is a trial?
Uh, yes?
- It's not?
- Yeah, I mean, it's pretty trial-y.
Could someone
bring up the lights?
This isn't a trial.
It's a party,
for this brave crew
who rescued me
from the Romulans.
What?
I was kidnapped by Romulans
and held for over a year
until they saved me.
Imperium Magistrate Clar, you're
safe now, aboard the Cerritos.
Thank you, Captain Freeman.
Thank you.
You must come and celebrate
with me on K'Tuevon Prime.
Your deeds and my victory
will forever be etched
- onto our great history stone.
- Can't say no to a party.
Oh, great, guess I'll have
to shave my.
Yeah, maybe you should.
What's that about?
I don't know, man.
Something dumb.
This was supposed
to be my special day.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
This is a trial.
You said we were witnesses,
- you said we had to testify.
- Are you stupid?
How could you think
this was a trial?
Because you've got our bosses
suspended in a scary-ass beam.
That is the beam of celebration!
It is an honor
to be in this beam.
Shut up, Billups!
Hey, man, this is not on us.
I mean, all of that chanting,
and the-the metal gavel?
This is, like, alien trial 101.
You raised us up on a platform
into a creepy courtroom.
Creepy? This is one
of our nicest event silos.
- I got married here!
- Wh... Well, then, who's this judge?
This guy's just been, like,
scowling at us the whole time.
- I don't know him.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just here
to set up for a birthday later
for my little girl.
- She's turning 100.
- Aw.
Okay, all right, Clar,
time's up.
- Etchers down.
- But-but...
we didn't even get
to do any etching.
No, no, no, no. You only paid
for 22 minutes.
Other people got to etch.
Oh, come on.
But-but wh... Okay, what about,
what about the eels?
You held us in contempt,
of eels.
All right, come on.
That's enough.
- You dipped us in eels!
- You ruined my party!
Those were eels
you dipped us in!
- You did that! You did it!
- You ruined my party!
Today you four almost
got yourselves killed
at a thank-you dinner.
But, the way you stood up
for Starfleet
while you thought you were
staring death in the face
deserves commendation.
I guess.
Going forward,
we'll make an effort
to keep the crew more informed.
The Cerritos will be
synonymous with clarity.
Wait, so then what did
Clar do to get captured
by the Romulans?
I-I missed that part.
Well, it's-it's complicated.
Why did you let him
hurt us with eels
if you knew it wasn't a trial?
We have to honor the local
customs of alien governments.
And can you tell me
who was on that secret team
that infiltrated
the Neutral Zone?
Uh, I'm not at liberty to...
And why couldn't you just ask
the Vulcans to borrow
the Bird-of-Prey?
And where did they get it?
And why was that a job
for the Cerritos?
Why couldn't it have just been
a job for, like, the Enterprise,
- or...
- Okay, you know what? It's classified.
It's all classified. Dismissed!
Hey, everybody, look, we got
Captain Clarity over here.
I said dismissed!
Honestly, this is fine with me.
Knowing things means more work.
Well, I, for one, knew
it was a party the whole time.
Yeah, right, dude.
- I did.
- Then why were you crying?
I just... i-it was cold in there.
I've got sensitive corneas.
I told you.
I challenge you all to a duel.
Pick your weapons.
I pick the mind.
Get out of here, Q! No.
We are done
with random stuff today.
We're not dealing
with any of your Q bull.
Oh, s'il vous plaît, Mariner.
I want to put humanity
to the ultimate test.
Okay, I'm not French. No.
- Go find Picard.
- Oh, Picard.
He's no fun, he's always
quoting Shakespeare,
he's always making wine.
Chirp.