Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Much Ado About Boimler - full transcript

Who knew repairing
the station grid

would involve so much sprinting?

No talk. Sleep.

- What the (beep)? Hey, no, no. Down.
- I did it!

- I updated the dog!
- Down.

- What does that even mean? Hey! Mm-mm.
- In Medical,

they encourage us
to do side projects.

- No! Why?!
- So I took a bunch of inert carbon

- and built myself a fluffy friend from scratch.
- Shut up!

- No! Aah!
- It's supposed to look like a dog.

- You know, from Earth.
- Tendi,



- please get it out of here.
- Oh, of course.

Come here! Come here.

- Ah.
She's five percent faster

and six percent smarter.
You know, I hand-edited

- all six billion sequences.
It was really fun!

When did you even find time
for that?

Sometimes when I say
that I'm going to the bathroom,

I'm really recoding her DNA.

This little lady's protein bonds
totally accepted

the Cas9 snipping without
any cellular degradation.

Who has malleable protein bonds?
You do.

- Yes, you do.
- I don't get it.

You could've built any life-form
at all, and you did this?

It just looks like a normal dog.



That's exactly what
I was going for!

I'll go grab my notes so
I can read you the juicy parts.

You're going to love how
I reorganized her mitochondria.

No spoilers, but...

...it's super funny!

Just to be clear,
this is a normal dog,

and she's messing with us.

Oh, God. Not a normal dog.

Wake me up if it turns into
something I need to care about.

- First officer's log.
- An elite team from the Cerritos

has been selected
by Admiral Syltrack to liaise

with the Pisepian agricultural
colony in disputed territory.

Captain Freeman, Shaxs,
and myself

have been enlisted
to join the mission

due to our expertise in
the germination of rulot seeds.

In our absence,
the Cerritos will receive

a temporary transfer of command
to a visiting captain.

Visiting captain?
No! So lame.

I figured you'd love a break
from our usual guys.

Sub caps never know
what they're doing.

They're all like,
"Buffer the phase coils."

And we're like,
"What are you talking about?"

What are you talking about?

I don't want
some babysitter Jellico-type

hovering over us

when we're already going
to a bog planet,

which is, like,
the worst kind of planets,

as far as planets go.

Bogs are actually fascinating.
Did you know

- that the spore count can...
- I don't want to know about a bog!

It's a gross word
for a gross place!

Well, you're being
very unscientific.

Anyway, I'm into it.

We get to rub shoulders
with the visiting crew,

maybe impress another captain.

Oh, you're just excited to kiss
a whole new butt, aren't you?

Well, I wouldn't put it
like that.

But yes, very.

Hmm...

Rutherford!

The visiting crew's
gonna be here any minute.

Hey, if I part my hair
like this, do I look

more promotable or less?

More? Less?
More? Less?

- Yeah, sure.
- You didn't even look!

Sorry.
It's this transporter, man.

I'm trying to make it go
.07 seconds faster.

Mariner wouldn't help me
test it.

She said she wanted to wait
until I ironed out the kinks.

But how am I supposed to do that
if nobody's gonna

- help me test it?
- Ooh! I'll do it.

I can tell the new captain that,
in my spare time,

- I enjoy improving efficiency.
- Okay, cool.

I'll just transport you
back and forth

super quick.
Real easy.

Okay. Beam me up.
I mean,

Boim me up.
You know what I'm saying.

Okeydokey!

That was, like, half a second
faster than normal!

I can't believe it's working.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Run me through it again!

Do it again! Do it again!

- Uh...
- Aw, man.

- I thought I solved this.
- What?!

Sorry, it's just the last part
of the transporter process!

It can be a bit sticky!

Sticky?! Am I gonna die?!

No, no! You're just off by,
like, one millicochrane!

- It's just cosmetic!
- What's that noise?!

Is that me?!

You hardly notice it!

You got to fix me before
the visiting crew gets here!

- I can't look like this!
- What?!

Oh, well, here we go.
Babysitter time

in three, two, one...

Amina?

There she is!

Are you surprised?

Oh, my gosh. I thought
you were on the Oakland.

Eh, couldn't pass up
a water filtration repair.

This is crazy!

Wait, and you're
a freakin' captain now?

Get those title bumps, girl.

Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.

I've even got a team.

Warren, Prachett, Durga,

this is my old friend
I was telling you about.

Captain Ramsey... speaks fondly
of your time at the Academy.

Oh, boy.
What'd she tell you?

That when it comes
to boots-on-the-ground

planetary action,
you're the best.

And you look damn good doing it.

Curious
that you're still an ensign.

Ensign Boimler

reporting for duty!

Dude! What is wrong with you?!

Nothing! I'm just phasing!

No biggie!

Disagree!
It's kind of a biggie!

Ensign, report to sickbay!

But that's for sick people!

- Now!
- Aw.

How long is this going to last?!

How am I supposed to know?!

You look
like a goddamn science project!

Then... ow! why are you
still taking samples?!

I figured it out!

All right.
Boimler's back, baby!

Time to kiss some visiting butt.

Wait, I'm still all phase-y.

Yeah. But you're
not making the sound anymore,

which was the worst part, right?

Oh, yeah. That was terrible.

I'm literally hard to look at.

I mean, what if... what if...

Nobody wants a sparkly cap'n!

Oh, all right, all right.
Calm down.

I already alerted Division 14.

The time travel police?

No! D-14 handles
unsolvable space illnesses

and science mysteries.

And they can make me
a real boy again?

They've got this great
medical spa on Endicronimas V.

En...
Endicron...

Everyone just calls it
"The Farm."

You'll be pampered and tended to
like a precious gem.

You and Mr. Whatever The Hell
That Thing Is over there.

Don't worry, The Dog.
I won't let them hurt you.

Wait, you named it "The Dog"?

Of course. Why wouldn't I?

She's a totally normal dog.

Mm, I'm starting to think
you know more about DNA

- than you do about dogs.
- We don't have any on Orion.

- We're really missing out.
Dogs are great.

Aw, look at you.

You're just
a cute little cinnamon roll.

Yes, you are!

Visiting captain's log.

Stardate 57752.6.

The Cerritos is en route
to the planet Khwopa to...

perform a repair of
their water filtration system.

Once completed, we will...
rendezvous

with the USS Rubidoux. End log.

Will you stop it?

Sorry, I just love
captains' trinkets, you know?

Come on.
Give me the dirt.

Have you seen
Ransom's photon torpedo?

Barf! No! Disgusting.

No, for real, that is big barf.

So, how long do we have you?

I mean, it's gonna take a while
to catch you up

on all the crazy stuff
I've been up to.

Yeah. That's why I want you
at my side.

Getting your perspective
on the Cerritos crew

would be invaluable.

I mean, come on, nobody likes
a babysitter captain.

Babysitter captain? What?
I don't even know what that is.

- What?
- So, what do you say?

Want to be my first officer?

Oh! Of course!
You've got the dream team.

It's about time
this bridge had a kickass crew.

I mean, the usual guys are fine,
but they're kind of... eh.

Oh, wait, are...
Wait, are you kidding?

No, you're kidding, right?

- I'm not kidding!
- Then yes!

All right. Let's do this...

Number One.

Greetings.

I am the Division 14
medical specialist.

Aw, thank you. I'm Tendi,
and this is my dog, The Dog.

And let the record show
we're here under protest.

I must warn you,

stepping aboard this vessel
is consent

to be surrounded
by dark abnormalities

and the clinically obscene.

Uh, how long will it take
to get to the spa?

I wasn't sure
how many books to bring.

Do not trouble yourself
with the journey.

The Farm cures all.

So, we were surrounded
by four Borg, right?

And nobody ever talks
about this, but they smell

like old trash bags.

What? Four? How'd you get out?

It required unorthodox tactics.

Durga kicked their butts
with Vulcan jujitsu.

Yeah, well,
this one time, Ramsey and I

stole Professor Rubichik's
old, special car

and drove it into the bay.

It was hilarious.
He was so pissed.

I love Saul Rubichek.
He was my mentor at the Academy.

That car was his life.

- I spoke at his funeral.
- Uh, well, that was a long time ago.

I still do stuff like that
all the time.

Last week, I put a scorpion
in Ransom's bed.

It was bad. He almost died.

Do you often disrupt missions?

No, I mean, I do
regular Starfleet stuff, too.

Everyone ready?

Let's roll out.

Reports indicate
that first contact here

was a little tricky.
The bogs didn't help.

Let's see if we can get ahold
of the local authorities.

Copy that.

Hey, are you
on a different mission,

or are you coming with us?

Oh. Uh, sorry. Right.

I'll just, uh...

When we're done here,
you'll be back to enjoying

crystal clear water,
King Phibeas.

We osmose
our most brackish gratitude.

So, uh, you and Ramsey

are pretty tight, huh?
How'd you guys meet?

I do not believe
that information

has any bearing
on our current objective.

Damn, Durga.
I was just making chitchat.

Critical overpressure.

One of the cascade valves
must be jammed open!

We've got 30 seconds

till the whole system blows!

Mariner, the tricorders.

Um, uh, I...
You know, I think I left them

in the transporter room.

Try clearing it
with a subsonic pulse.

I must have grabbed
the wrong crate.

I-I left all our tricorders
back on the Cerritos.

Which is the least useful place
for them to be,

First Officer Mariner.

Captain Ramsey,

I just wanted to take
a brief pause

from our covert operation
to check in

- on my ship.
- The Cerritos and her crew

have performed admirably,
Captain Freeman.

We've repaired the waste pipe
on Khwopa

and are waiting on the Rubidoux.

Very good. I've got to go.

These rulot seeds
are highly volatile.

I may be called to plant them
at any moment.

Godspeed, Captain.

Okay, so,
they might plant seeds?

Well, sounds like they're
on a very important mission.

Strange. The Rubidoux
should have arrived by now.

Well, Captain Dayton
isn't exactly punctual,

but we may as well follow up.
Initiate long-range scan.

Mariner,

- if you don't mind?
- Oh! Me.

Right. Sure thing.

Uh, here we go.

Ah! Uh, s-sorry! Hold on. Uh...

Perhaps Mariner isn't as apt
as you recall.

Nobody move! Just wait. It'll...

- It'll tire itself out.
- Hey.

- Just breathe. You've got this.
- Uh...

Huh.

Wow, I never knew there were

this many accidents
in Starfleet.

Which is exactly why
Division 14 exists:

to hide the mistakes
Starfleet would like to ignore.

- Oh, well, that doesn't sound very Starfleety.
- The admirals

wouldn't want to jeopardize
the allegiance of their officers

by forcing them
to work alongside

a man whose body is equal parts

accelerated growth
and reverse aging.

That's right. Stare at me.

- I-I wasn't s-staring.
- The freak

infected by an alien horse bite,

doomed to live out his days
as half a rascal.

Everyone would rather avert
their gaze instead of curing us.

We're inconvenient.

But aren't there specialists
who specialize in this?

Tell that to Ensign Jenna,

exposed to delta radiation.

Or Ellis and Sanderson.

Neutrino field
transporter accident.

- We have two of everything.
- Almost everything.

And Anthony.

Hi, Anthony.
Did it used to be a man?

Yeah,
that's what we're assuming.

Don't worry, The Dog. You don't
belong here with these freaks.

I'll break you out
first chance I get.

Come on, you're making it
sound worse than it is.

I mean, we're all going
to a resort planet

with gentle nurses and whatnot.

It's gonna be great.

The Farm?

You really think they're
taking us to a paradise planet?

Wait, yeah. I...
Then where are we going?

Nowhere.
We've been here for months.

This is The Farm!

It's the Rubidoux, Captain.

All systems
appear to be off-line.

I told Dayton to get her energy
coils replaced last month.

Looks like I was right.

If power's out, they're probably
holed up in a safe room,

waiting for rescue,
just like last time.

Durga, Mariner, Warren,

you're with me.
Let's give them a jump.

Power has been interrupted
in engineering.

Durga, get the main systems
back on line.

Mariner and I will figure out
where the crew is holed up.

Should be a simple repair
for me, Captain.

Check in every 15 minutes.
Oh, and someone make sure

to get a picture of me
and Captain Dayton

when she thanks me
for saving her ass again.

Sorry. Uh, new boots.

Wait is going on with you?
I really need you to step it up.

Sorry. Yeah, no, I'll do better.

You know, it's these darn boots.
These boots are, like...

I got... I...
Well, I wanted to get,

- like, a taller boot.
- Stop with the boots!

What's up, girl?

What's wrong? You...
You want walkies?

Oh, come on. Let's go.

Listen up.
There's a shift change at 0200.

It's our chance
to take the ship.

You're talking about a mutiny.

Exactly.
We'll find our own planet

where we won't be treated like
failed science experiments.

Tonight, freaks fight back!

Freaks fight back!
Freaks fight back!

Brother, freaks united
are freaks no more.

Say it with me.
Freaks fight back!

Yeah. Freaks fight back.

Freaks fight back!

Freaks fight back!
Freaks fight back!

...is what they were all
chanting. We were all doing it

in unison.

Mutiny? On my ship?
How dare they!

Sir, they just want
more information.

I think if we all sat down
in a conference room

and talked it out...

If those freaks
think they can mutiny,

they're in for a rude awakening.

No, no, no! The only reason I
told you is so nobody gets hurt.

We're all Starfleet.
We have to follow the rules.

- I am the rules.
- Wait!

We can talk this out! Sir!
Don't tell them I tattled!

Don't tell them I tattled!

Um, hello?

Hello, Rubidoux people? Hello?

Oh, where are these guys?

How do you do this every day?
It is so boring.

You used to love
space mysteries.

Yeah. I used to be dumb.

That's one way to look at it.

- What does that mean?
- I expected

to be working with
the capable Starfleet badass

I knew at the Academy,
not whatever you are now.

Yeah, and I expected to be
working with my fun friend,

- not a total...
- Hold it.

These doors
have been manually sealed.

- I don't want to die.
- Stand down. We're Starfleet.

- I don't want to die. I don't want to die.
- Captain Dayton.

Whoa, Captain, Captain,
you're gonna be okay.

No! That thing is still
out there!

There's nothing outside
except the Cerritos.

You don't understand!
We're inside of it!

It's time.
Let's shake the ship!

- What do you think you're doing?
- Uh... nothing.

Mutiny makes you traitors!

Mutiny?
No, these are just props

that we're using for our...
our musical, right, guys?

Stop lying! Boimler told me
everything! Brad Boimler.

- Ooh, no, no, no.
- Right there... Brad Boimler.

Boimler, what the hell?!

Freaks fight back?

From now on, everyone is
confined to their quarters.

I suggest
you spend the time alone,

thinking about how
to be more like Brad.

Wait, wait, wait. I have no idea
how he found out, guys.

- That's crazy.
- Get the rat!

- Get him!
- Guys, no. Help! So many freaks!

We shut down systems
because it feeds on electricity.

Durga, do not restore power.

Durga, Durga...
restore power.

Captain, artificial gravity
is coming back on line.

What the hell?!

Oh, stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

How big is this thing?

All right, everyone with me.
We need to stay calm.

Hallway, now!

Ramsey to Cerritos.
Prepare for emergency transport.

Damn thing must be
blocking signals.

I don't want to die in space!
I don't want to die in space!

- We're all gonna...
- Pick her up.

We have to get to the bridge.
That's where we beamed in.

- There's a good chance we can still get a signal out.
- Ugh.

Where has this Mariner been
all day?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- No, no, no, no.

Something's going on here.

Been non-stop screwing up,
then suddenly, you're back

to taking charge and
punching out captains and...

Wait a minute.

Maybe let's talk, like, after
the giant space emergency.

You were taking a dive,
weren't you?

You figured out I was gonna
offer you a spot on the Oakland.

Yeah, well, maybe
I didn't want my best friend

trying to trick me
into a job I didn't want.

- You ever think of that?
- Ugh!

We all thought you'd be the
first captain from our class.

You got the best grades,
you kept us all on track.

Now it seems like
you don't even like Starfleet.

You used to do whatever
you wanted whenever you wanted.

Now you got to check in
with Durga every five minutes.

Because I love leading a team
that puts their trust in me.

Fine, but I don't love

that everyone's
always screaming at me

to rank up and take charge.

Why can't I just be
a super great ensign?

Look, how about you stop
pretending to be a,

and I'll stop trying
to recruit you,

- and we can go save these people?
- Deal!

Got you.

A rat trapped in an airlock.

That sounds about right.

Any last words?

Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me!

I'm just a freak like you, see?

It wore off!
I'm not a freak anymore!

Hey, would you look at that!
Great!

You're normal now.

Enjoy your walk in space.

Wait. Why is the air not
being forced from my lungs?

The Farm! It's real?

Isn't it beautiful?
The missions might be long,

but it's worth it
every time we get back.

Ooh! Do I have egg on my face.

Sir, I'm sorry for the whole...

- mutiny thing.
- I get it.

The Farm does seem unbelievable.

No, I'm sorry I reacted
the way I did.

We should have just
talked it out.

Which is what I said
we should do!

Next time, we'll avoid
a mutiny before it happens.

Maybe paint the ship
some friendlier colors,

turn on some lights
so it isn't so creepy.

Enjoy your path
to recovery, my friends.

Oh, it's just the way I laugh.

This is where
we have to say goodbye.

I never wanted to leave you.

You're not a freak.
You're just a good dog.

I will never give up trying
to get you back home.

Tendi, you have been
an exemplary creator.

But do not cry.
I like it here!

There's far more space to run

and many fascinating things
upon which to urinate.

Oh, wow.
I'm so glad you're happy!

Well, The Dog,
then I guess this is goodbye.

Farewell, Tendi.

May the suns shine upon you.

Wait. You knew
she could talk and walk?

Yeah, of course she can talk.
She's a dog.

- Normal dogs don't do any of that stuff.
- They don't?

Wait. But normal dogs
hover and spit lightning, right?

- No, none of that!
- Oh!

Well, then this is starting
to make a lot more sense.

Hey, you are a freak.

I know!
I just didn't want you to worry.

Oh, she's such a good girl.

Oh, we call dibs on this cutie.

- Oh.
- No, he shouldn't

even be here.
He's not a freak anymore.

- You're not?
- I, uh, I have acid reflux.

That's kind of freakish.

Wait, wait, wait!

No.

Not today, snot!

Durga, report.

There's some sort of alien
entity inside the ship.

- Oh, you think?
- Okay, everybody,

we're gonna get you out of here.

- Warren, beam us out of here.
- I'm trying. There's too many.

- We-we won't have time.
- Rutherford!

We need your transporter
thing up and running now!

It made Boimler weird!

Boim us out of here!

- Hold on!
- Rutherford!

Come on, baby.
Give Rutherford the juice!

Oh, man, I knew
you could do it, Ruthy!

Why are we still in phase?

Ah, it's just cosmetic.

It's just cosmetic.

Captain's log.

The evacuation of the U.S.S.
Rubidoux was a success,

thanks to the quick thinking
of the Cerritos crew.

While the exact classification
of this space entity eludes us,

we believe it to be peaceful,
in search of a home.

You're cured?

I mean, see?
I knew you'd be fine.

Listen, you got
to mess me up again.

Not permanently, but maybe,
like, a nice two-week freak.

I have been tinkering
with some ancient plasmas.

Aw. Good afternoon.
I'm Tendi.

How are you today?
Ugh. Ugh!

Ugh! She licked me.
What a weirdo!

Would you look at that?

Nothing like a big,
crazy alien to remind you

why "space explorer" is
such a great gig.

Yeah, it's the best.

Well, Starfleet isn't perfect,
but my offer still stands.

If you want a chance to lead
by example, I'd have your back.

Yeah, if I was gonna rank up
for anyone, it would be you,

but, you know, I still have
some stuff to figure out

while I'm lower decks,
about who I want to be.

Like, maybe I'll buckle down
and become a captain.

Maybe I won't.
Probably won't.

- I just need time to find me.
- I know you will.

Well, well, well,
beautiful Captain Ramsey.

I'd love to buy you a drink.

Oh. Sorry, Ransom.
Instincts kicked in.

I'll take a pass on that drink.

Good one, Ramsey.

That's our thing.
She's kidding.

Chirp.