Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 10 - The Magnificent Ferengi - full transcript

At the request of the Grand Nagus, Quark puts together a mission to rescue Quark's mother, who is in the hands of the Dominion.

Just set them on the bar.

Morn, no touching.

You know what this is?

Three cases of syrup of squill.

l love syrup of squill on my groatcakes
but l haven't seen a jar in years.

- No one has.
- Does that mean the drought is over?

There never was a drought on Balancar.

lt was a ploy
by their farming consortium.

They've been stockpiling squill
in order to drive the price up.

- That's dishonest.
- l couldn't agree more.

You see, l know the nephew of
the cousin of the stepsister of a friend

of the secretary to the
consortium's chief accountant.

Nephew... Cousin...
Stepsister... Friend...

Yeah, that's right.

And he told me in passing

that the accountant had bought
a pair of Ferengi rain slippers.

And if there was a drought,
he wouldn't need rain slippers.

My thoughts exactly.

So, l set up a meeting
with this accountant

and l told him that he either provide me
with a shipment of syrup

or l would expose them
to the entire quadrant.

Tomorrow morning, we are having
a special on groatcakes,

topped with syrup of squill.

That is, for everyone who can afford it.

Why are you standing around?
Get it to the storeroom.

This stuff is worth its weight in latinum.

Which reminds me of another
little economic episode of mine.

lt was 11 or 12 years ago,
shortly before l came on the station...

Dax! Julian! You're back.
l was worried.

l told you we'd be OK.

Then why all the secrecy
about your mission?

- We weren't supposed to talk about it.
- But it's OK now.

The mission's over, we're debriefed.
We took the Defiant behind enemy lines.

The first mission into Cardassian space
since the Dominion's retreat.

The first to make it back, anyway.

lf that isn't reason to celebrate,
l don't know what is.

- Three synthales.
- Coming up.

- Something wrong, Quark?
- Yes, there is.

A bunch of self-satisfied
Starfleet officers

just stole my audience.

They're not just Starfleet officers.
They're heroes.

Let's face it, there's nothing heroic
about earning profit.

- There is on Ferenginar.
- We're not on Ferenginar.

The nagus, calling me now?

Ah. He must have found out about
the squill. l have to send him a jar.

Better make it a dozen. He loves squill.

There you are. l've been looking
all over the station for you.

Well, you found me.
Now you go hide, and l'll search for you.

Rom, brace yourself. l have bad news.

Our mother's been taken prisoner
by the Dominion.

Moogie...a prisoner?

lt gets worse.
The nagus wants me to rescue her.

You? Rescue Moogie?

- From the Dominion?
- Yes.

- Uh-oh.
- ''Uh-oh'' is right.

So how do you plan
on rescuing Moogie?

You mean, how do we
plan on rescuing Moogie?

- You didn't say the nagus wanted me.
- Maybe he doesn't, but l do.

- Besides, lshka's your mother, too.
- And l love her, but l can't go with you.

l'm married, l have responsibilities,
and they don't want me to die.

l don't want to die either,
so let's just concentrate on the reward.


- 50 bars of gold-pressed latinum.
- 50 bars!


Which l'm willing to share with you.

- An even split?
- Absolutely!

- 30 bars for me and 20 for you.
- That's not even.

lt is when you include my finder's fee.


There's one thing l don't understand.
How did they get hold of Moogie?

They captured the transport ship
she was on.

But she's a female.
They're forbidden to travel.

The nagus gave her dispensation
to travel to Vulcan for her operation.

- What operation?
- She wanted to have her ears raised.

- l had no idea.
- That she was so vain?

- That the nagus could be so generous.
- He certainly is.

But why is he being so good to Moogie?

There's something l need to tell you.

That ten bars of latinum is an overly
generous fee? l already know that.

- lt's about the nagus and Moogie.
- What about them?

- They're lovers.
- No...

- lt's been going on for over a year.
- No... !

She's his secret adviser.
She helps him run the Ferengi Alliance.

- No... !
- Would you stop saying that?

May l help you, gentlemen?

l was following you.

- We must have taken a wrong turn.
- lt looks that way.

Much better.

You know, brother, l've been thinking.

We can't rescue Moogie
from a Dominion jail.

- Not alone, anyway.
- You're right. We'll need help.

We could form a commando team, get
the toughest mercenaries we can find.

- Nausicaans, Breen, Klingon!
- Shh!

- We don't need Nausicaans or Klingon.
- Humans?

- We'll just use Ferengi.
- Then we'll all die!

No, we won't!
Ferengi can be as tough as Klingons.

- They can?
- Of course they can.

They just need opportunity, training,
and some latinum as incentive.

- Coming out of my share, l suppose.
- No!

We'll split the reward
with whoever joins us.

- All 20 bars of it.
- But the nagus offered 50.

As far as anyone else is concerned,
he said 20.

20 it is, then.

Now the only question is,
who's our first recruit?

- Not me.
- But Nog...

- Moogie needs you.
- And your nagus.

They need you, we need you,
say you'll join us! Please.

l'm a Starfleet officer. l can't go running
off on some half-baked rescue mission.

- l have duties.
- But you know how to fire a phaser.

Forget it, Rom. Don't beg.

Too bad, though. We were going to
make you Strategic Operations officer.

- You mean, like Commander Worf?
- Exactly like him.

Think of it. You'll devise the tactics,
come up with a plan of action.

You can be the drill instructor,
prepare us for combat.

- Turn us into soldiers.
- That's a big job.

That's why we need you.

- How big is the team?
- Right now?

Now, remember,
Leck is not your typical Ferengi.

- His priorities are different than ours.
- l understand.

- No, you don't, but you will.
- l hope this is a secure channel.

- l followed your instructions to the letter.
- Very good.

- Who do you want eliminated?
- lt's not that kind of job.

- Then why call an Eliminator?
- What's an Eliminator?

l'm putting together a rescue mission
and l'd like you in my team.

- l work alone.
- You'll be paid in latinum.

l don't care about latinum.

You're right. His priorities are different.

All right. Forget the latinum.
l hear you like to test your abilities.

- l enjoy a challenge.
- Then you should know this:

the person we're rescuing
is being held by the Dominion.

- The Dominion?
- Should be quite a challenge.

How the mighty have fallen.

Cousin Quark.

l heard you were arrested
on Thalos Vl for vagrancy.

lt's all your fault.

l was a thriving weapons merchant...
until l went into business with you.

You ruined me.

lf l ever get out of here, cousin,
l'll make you pay for what you did to me.

Lower the force field.

Now, what exactly
were you going to do to me?

l don't understand.

Quark paid your fine. You're a free man.

- What do l have to do in return?
- Earn some latinum.

Tell me more.

On the bar is a padd with the schematic
of a Dominion internment centre.

You may now examine the schematic.

How can we be sure
these schematics are accurate?


No need to stand on formality here.
Just call me Leck.

- No, l meant you should call me ''sir.''
- Don't be ridiculous.

- You mean, ''Don't be ridiculous, sir.''
- Gentlemen, please.

- We're a team, Nog.
- We're a team, sir.

- Stay out of this. Nog...
- That's it. l quit.

You can't quit. This is not a game.

How are we supposed to get
to this ''internment centre,'' anyway?

- By ship.
- Do we have a ship?

- We'll get one.
- We don't have a ship?

l said, we'll get one! We'll find one.

- Where?
- l don't know! lt's a challenge.

- Liquidator Brunt!
- That's ex-Liquidator Brunt.

Thanks to Quark, l'm no longer
with the Ferengi Commerce Authority.

A child...

...a moron...

...a failure...

...and a psychopath.

- Quite a team you put together.
- What do you want?

l'm here to sign up.
l'm going to help rescue your mother.

- What?
- How did you know about Moogie?

l know a lot of things.

You think if you help save her
the nagus will give you your job back.

- When do we leave?
- We're not leaving. Not with you.

- That's one thing we can all agree on.
- Nobody likes Liquidators.

- Or even ex-Liquidators.
- The team has spoken.

Besides, there's a 20 bar reward
to consider.

Better to split it five ways than six.

Fine. l'll just get in my ship and leave.

- Did you say ship?
- That's right.


Now we are six.

Don't move! You're surrounded.


Don't shoot! l surrender!

No, no, no! Computer, freeze program.
Reset Jem'Hadar.

- l think we're improving.
- No. This is the eighth run-through.

You haven't hit a single Jem'Hadar.
And you shot Moogie!

l saw we were going to fail
so l put her out of her misery.

Who invited him along?

Maybe we should start
with something easier.

- Like what?
- Like ambushing a couple of Bolians.

You couldn't ambush a Bolian
if he was tied to a tree!

That's enough!

Get out of here, all of you.
You heard me...go.

But, brother,
don't you want to keep practising?

We're wasting our time, Rom.

We couldn't get anywhere near Moogie,
let alone rescue her.

l guess we're not cut out
to be heroes after all.

And to think, just a few short days ago
l was sitting on top of the world.

The King of Squill.

You should have been there, brother.
lt was a very delicate negotiation.

But l took my time, picked my moment,
and then went in for the kill.

lt was beautiful to behold.

Brother...l think we've been
going about this the wrong way.

We're not commandos,
we're negotiators.

We make deals.
That's what we're good at.

The Dominion has something we want,

so we need to find
something they want...

And then we make a trade!

- That way, everyone goes home happy.
- Happy and alive.

Now, what do we have to trade?

Captain, l can't thank you enough
for all your help.

Don't thank me. Thank Major Kira.

She convinced me
to talk to Starfleet for you.

Consider it payback, Quark,
for rescuing me from the Dominion.

Breaking you out of a cell is one thing,
what you're planning is more dangerous.

Every negotiation
has its share of danger.

lf you say so.

- l guess it's time to pick up my prisoner.
- Just don't turn your back on him.

- He's not to be trusted.
- Neither am l.

Excuse me.


- This isn't a ship, it's a closet.
- lf you don't like it, leave.

l'll go. That leaves more room
for the rest of you.

Besides, this isn't a rescue anymore,

it's a prisoner exchange.
l don't know why Quark needs us.

Because he doesn't trust the Dominion.
And neither do l.

Why would the Dominion pick a deserted
Cardassian station to make the trade?

They didn't pick it, Quark did.

l've been there. lt's the same design
as DS9 so we know the layout.

Well, you have nothing to worry about.

You'll have plenty of places
to run and hide.

This is Keevan.
We're going to trade him for lshka.

Hi. l'm Rom.

- This is Nog, that's Brunt...
- Rom...he doesn't care.

Truer words have never been spoken.

l advise you all to send final messages
to your loved ones.

- And make sure your wills are in order.
- Why?

Because the moment we leave,
you sign your death warrants.

Now if you don't mind,
l'm going to take a nap.

- All clear!
- Are you sure?

Tricorder indicates no other life-forms.

- All right. Let's head for base camp.
- ''Base camp''?

He means the lnfirmary. lt's over there.

Come on. Let's move it!

Well, what are you waiting for?

Two slips of latinum for the first man
who makes it to the lnfirmary.

- l mean ''base camp.''
- You don't pay soldiers to do their duty.

You do if they're Ferengi.

Great! Another closet.

We've chosen this spot for a reason.

For one thing, it's a confined area
with only two ways in or out:

this one, and that one over there.

lt's near the airlock
for access to our ship.

And it's on the Promenade
where the prisoner exchange will be.

- Don't touch that.
- This medical equipment still works.

- Anything for an upset stomach?
- What you need is a new backbone.

Hey! l'm a weapons dealer, not a soldier.

- Cousin!
- Shall we set up our defence perimeter?

- Good idea. How much will it cost me?
- Don't worry. No charge.

Starfleet has really corrupted you,
hasn't it?

Start by getting external sensors
back on line.

l want to know when a Dominion ship
gets within ten million kilometres.

l'll set up a transport jamming signal.

That way, the Dominion
can't beam our prisoner away.

We certainly wouldn't want
that to happen, would we?

You don't seem too happy
at the prospect of rejoining your people.

Believe me,
l have nothing to be happy about.

Vorta are meant to commit suicide
when captured.

l failed to follow
that rather...harsh policy.

So they'll execute you?

After what is surely going to be
a most unpleasant debriefing.

Sorry to hear that, but it's not my
problem. All l want is Moogie back.

When the Dominion is done with you,
all you'll want is a quick death.

Take him next door
and see he stays there.

We'll post a guard. Four-hour shifts.

You heard him, move.
Perhaps you can clarify something.

What's the most vulnerable part
of a Jem'Hadar's body?

All right. You have your orders.
Let's get to work.

- My son the soldier.
- They've ruined him.

- What was that?
- lt's Gaila!

- Where's the Vorta?
- l don't know.

You were guarding him!

- He must have gone while l was asleep.
- Who said you could sleep?

l couldn't help it. l was tired.
l hadn't had any rest.

- The ship...
- lf Keevan gets away, we're finished!

Going someplace?

Apparently not. l couldn't
get the impulse engines on line.

That's because l had Rom
disengage the induction matrix.

Then why bother chasing me?

Because sometimes
my brother gets things wrong.

All right. No harm done.
We still have our prisoner.

- What's that?
- The alarm l set up.

A Dominion ship is approaching.

- To the lnfirmary!
- Let's go!

- Now what?
- Someone turned the alarm off.

Maybe it went off by itself.

- Do you hear something?
- Someone's out there.

One of us should go check
to make sure.

- l nominate Quark.
- Me?

l'll go.

Firing line take aim.

- Anybody there?
- You could say that.

- l wonder what they're doing out there.
- l don't hear anything.

- Why are we hiding?
- There are Jem'Hadar out there.

Of course they're out there.
We asked them to come.

He's right.
Everything's going according to plan.

All you have to do, Quark,
is negotiate the exchange.

- Remember, be firm, strong.
- But don't get them angry.

Good luck, brother.
Say ''Hi'' to Moogie for me.

- What if it's a trap?
- Of course it's a trap.

They're not here to negotiate.
They're here to kill us all.

- You think?
- Don't listen.

- He's just trying to save his own neck.
- l'm trying to save all our necks.

Ferengi, show yourself.

- We're here to trade.
- Don't go out there.

We must get back to the ship.
Our only hope is to escape.

We're not going anywhere,
not without Moogie.

Right, Uncle?


- Ferengi, l don't like to be kept waiting.
- l'm coming.

l'm coming!

- And you two are coming with me.
- l was afraid he was going to say that.


- Moogie!
- My boys. l knew you'd come.

You look beautiful.

My lobes haven't been this firm
in over a century.

- l guess that makes all this worthwhile.
- Don't you start with me, Quark.

What a touching and heartfelt reunion.
l'm glad l was here to witness it.

Now, where's Keevan?
l wish to conclude this transaction.

All in good time,
but first, l need some assurances.

What kind of assurances?

Well, for one thing, l don't want
any Jem'Hadar on this station.

That would leave me
in a very vulnerable position.

One Vorta against six Ferengi.

lf it makes you feel better,
these two can stay.

l feel safer already.

- Now, where's Keevan?
- Hold on, l'm not done yet.

Then, you're going to tell your helmsman

to head back
to Dominion territory, warp nine.

- That would leave me stranded here.
- For a few days.

l see, and by the time they return
you'll be long gone.

That's the idea.

On the other hand, we could
storm the lnfirmary and kill you all.

l like our plan better.

Attack us and Keevan
will be the first to die.

Keevan's fate has already been sealed.

Maybe, but before he dies,

l'll bet you'll want to know
what secrets he's revealed.

He's got you there, Yelgrun.

Your people have
a reputation for cunning.

l see that it's well-earned.

Perhaps one day
the Ferengi will take their place

as valued members of the Dominion.

Anything's possible.

l will evacuate the Jem'Hadar at once.

We can exchange the prisoners
in half an hour.

We'll be waiting.

One more thing. How do we know
that's Moogie, not a changeling?

l think that uniform
is too tight on you, Nog.

lt's cutting off circulation to your brain.

Sounds like Moogie.

Only one way to find out.


This should be interesting.


- Yeah. That's blood all right.
- l knew it was Moogie.

Now let's see if you're a changeling.

- That's no way to tell.
- You're right. Give me that knife.

l don't think so.

- understand.
- Not really. l was cloned.

No parents? That explains a lot.

No parents, no sweetheart.
No investment portfolio.

And no patience.

We'll meet back here in one half hour.
Don't be late.

You heard him, Quark.
Rom, l'm counting on you.

Remember...Moogie loves you.

You should have seen my brother.
He was brilliant.

ln a half hour we'll have Moogie back
and we can all go home. the torrential rains
of Ferenginar.

You know what l miss most?
The rotting vegetation.

- Yep.
- And the dampness.

Oh, to stand once more
in those rivers of muck.

l only wish l could be there with you.

l can't believe it,
we're going to get the reward.

- 50 bars of gold-pressed latinum.
- 50 bars? You said the reward was 20.

- That's what Rom said. 20.
- He said 50.

- You said you didn't care about latinum.
- l don't, l just don't like to be cheated.

Everyone calm down.

- When my cousin is cheating me?
- l'm not cheating anyone.

- And the other 30 bars?
- There are no other 30 bars, are there?

- Not really.
- He's lying. They're in it together.

- You won't get away with this, Quark!
- l risk my life, and for what?

You've had this coming
for a long time, cousin!

l hate Ferengi.

You idiot.

What will we do? We can't have
a prisoner exchange without a prisoner.

lf they find out he's dead, they'll kill us.

Will you stop saying that?

Maybe, if we surrender,
they won't hurt us.

l have a better idea.
Let's sneak back to my ship and escape.

lt's a big station.
lf we hide, maybe they won't find us.

No one's hiding and no one's escaping,
and no one's surrendering.

What's wrong with you? Have you
forgotten the Battle of Prexnak?

Who could forget the greatest
battle in Ferengi history?

Ten Ferengi stood alone
against 273 Lytasians.

As l recall,
all ten Ferengi were slaughtered.

The point is, we Ferengi are
just as tough as anyone in the galaxy.

And this is our chance to prove it...
once and for all.

Quark's right. Let's do it for lshka.

Let's do it for the grand nagus.
Let's do it for Ferengis everywhere!

Let's do it for equal shares
of 50 bars of gold-pressed latinum.

lt always comes down to profit
with you people.

- We're Ferengi.
- And that's why l love you!

50 bars it is...
minus my usual finder's fee.

Well, there's no doubt about it.

According to these readings,
this man is dead.

- Thank you, Dr Nog.
- l just wanted to be sure.

l thought maybe we could revive him,
but l guess not.

- He's alive!
- No, he isn't.

lt's the neural stimulator,
it caused a reflex in his cerebellum.

l never knew you studied medicine.

l didn't, but if you think about it,
medicine is like engineering.

lt's about keeping things running,
fixing broken parts.

Are you thinking what l'm thinking?

Find me more neural stimulators!

lt's time.
Bring out your prisoner.

- Stall them, Uncle.
- l'll try.

l've done as you asked.

The Jem'Hadar are on their way
back to Dominion territory.

- We are alone on the station.
- Wonderful.

Now bring out Keevan
and we can conclude our business.

Keevan. Right. Absolutely.

- l'm waiting.
- He'll be right out.

But brother has to run
some sensor scans

to make sure they have really left.

That is unnecessary.
The Jem'Hadar are gone.

- Now bring me Keevan.
- l will, in a few minutes.

No, not in a few minutes. Now!

Or maybe you've changed your mind
and don't want her back. Kill her.

- No!
- Give them what they want, Quark.

- l intend to.
- Excellent.

Once my brother completes his scans.

And l thought the Breen were annoying.

Very well. Five minutes.

But l will not tolerate any more delays.

- Neither will l.
- That goes for me, too.

You see, we're all in agreement. more thing.

Why am l not surprised?

The prisoner exchange...
l'd like it to take place outside airlock 3.

What's wrong with the Promenade?

Nothing, except my ship is docked
at airlock 3. You understand.

Only too well.

But l must say
your lack of trust saddens me.

Ah, well...a sign of the times.

- Nog, you have five minutes.
- All right. Here we go.

7,500 lots of hypicate futures?

The hypicate root is very versatile.

lt's used in medicines, diffractive optics
and even some beauty supplies.

Here, feel how smooth my head is.

Cream of hypicate. l apply it twice a day.

You see, a diversified portfolio can
mean greater profits and healthier skin.

Fascinating. l'd love to hear more,

but if your son doesn't show up soon
l'm going to have to kill you.


- You ready?
- l've been ready for hours.

On a count of three,
we release our prisoners. Agreed?





What have they done to him?

Straighten him out.

- Straighten him out.
- l'm trying.

Stop them!

- Would you please turn him off?
- l can't. The transceiver is jammed.

Quark, the grand nagus
is going to be so proud of you.

l know l am.


- What do we do with this one?
- We'll take him with us.

A gift to Starfleet. They gave us a Vorta,
we'll give them one.

- Ferengi...
- l know, l hate us.

All right, you...get moving!

This is the sloppiest, most amateurish
operation l've ever seen.

lf you ever do something
like this again...count me in.

You'll be the first one l call.

lf l even think about doing
something like this again, shoot me.

So, brother, how does it feel
to be a...hero?

You tell me.

lt feels...good?

You bet it does.