Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993–1999): Season 4, Episode 24 - Body Parts - full transcript
After a visit to his homeworld and finding out about his impending doom, Quark ponders auctioning off his body parts. Meanwhile, an accident while traveling through the wormhole transfers Chief O'Brien's unborn son from his wife to Major Kira.
I never should have let her go,
not in her condition.
Chief, I am certain
Dr. Bashir and Major Kira
are taking good care
of your wife.
And besides,
you know there's no way
you could have kept
Keiko from going.
She's been talking
about the botanical
mysteries on Torad V
for a long time.
You're lucky she agreed
to limit the trip to three days.
Three days
in the Gamma Quadrant.
Do you know what she
wanted to do last week?
What?
She wanted to go back to Bajor
and rappel down
the cliffs of Undalar
to get a fungus sample.
Rappel to get fungus.
It's as if I have to remind her
that she's pregnant.
Yeah.
I guess the extra weight,
the morning sickness
the mood swings
the medical examinations--
they aren't reminders enough.
I have work to do.
Hey!
Dabo!
Very good!
We have a winner!
Rom! My brother!
I'm glad to see you.
Let me pour you a snail juice.
Okay, but only one.
My shift starts in 33 minutes.
I'll make it a tall one
and it's on the house.
We're celebrating.
Celebrating?!
What?
My return from two weeks
on Ferenginar.
Didn't you miss me?
Uh, I suppose.
And I missed you.
That's two reasons
for celebrating.
Enjoy.
Thanks.
Just the way you like it?
Perfect.
So, how was your trip?
Did you close
the vole belly deal?
The what?
Oh, yeah. Closed it
on the first day.
15 percent profit margin.
Great.
Did you see Moogie?
Mother's fine.
She sends her love.
What else did you do?
Well, let's see, uh...
I closed the deal--
told you that.
Did some shopping...
Made a pilgrimage
to the Great Marketplace.
And, uh... oh, yes.
I found out, uh...
I'm...
I'm dying!
What are you all looking at?
Haven't you ever seen
a dying man before?
You're dying?
I got my results
from my annual
insurance physical.
All the tests came back
negative except for one.
I have Dorek syndrome.
But... that's incurable.
That's right
which explains the dying part.
But... Dorek syndrome...
it's so rare.
It strikes
only one out of every
five million Ferengi.
I finally beat the odds.
How long do you have before...?
According to Dr. Orpax,
six days...
maybe seven.
Is he sure?
Oh, of course, he's sure.
He's one of the most
expensive doctors
on Ferenginar.
He charges two slips of latinum
just to walk
into the waiting room.
This is terrible!
I don't want you to die,
Brother.
Maybe you should get
a second opinion.
Have Dr. Bashir examine you
when he gets back
from the Gamma Quadrant.
Bashir?
How good could he be?
He doesn't even charge.
Besides, what could
a hu-man doctor know
about Dorek syndrome?
You're going to die!
I have six days to take care
of everything-- my will...
Moogie's pension.
I have to make
funeral arrangements.
Pay off my debts.
That's a lot of debts, Brother.
Yes, but half of those
are to hu-mans, Bajorans
a couple of Klingons.
Rule of Acquisition 17:
A contract is a contract
is a contract
but only between Ferengi.
Exactly.
But you're right.
It's still a lot of debt.
You could always sell
the desiccated remains
of your corpse
on the Ferengi Futures Exchange.
Who'd want to buy a disk
of desiccated Quark?
I'm nobody--
just some bartender
with a domineering mother
and an idiot brother.
You were the Grand Nagus.
For a week.
If I'm lucky, I'll be a footnote
in some...
Ferengi financial almanac.
You anticipated
the change of administrations
here on the station.
And as a reward
I'm inextricably linked
to the Federation.
I'm a joke on Ferenginar.
Starfleet's favorite bartender!
The synthehol king!
What a legacy.
You're not a joke here.
You're a respected
businessman...
a pillar of the community
a man with... many friends.
Friends?
Community?
You sound like
some sniveling hu-man.
The only opinions I care about
are those of my peers--
Ferengi businessmen.
In their eyes
I'm a second-rate,
small-time operator.
Stop it!
Stop it, Brother!
You are somebody.
You'll see.
You march right over
to that com link
and offer your
vacuum-desiccated remains
for sale
on the Futures Exchange.
You'll see.
Bids'll come flooding in
from all over
the Ferengi Alliance.
Everyone will want a disk
of Quark on their desk.
In fact, there may
not be enough of you
to meet the demand.
You're a liar, but I love you.
Just wait.
When you see how much
your body is worth
you're going to wish
you died years ago...
or something like that.
Captain, something's coming
through the wormhole.
On screen.
Magnify.
The Volga.
It has been damaged.
Dr. Bashir is requesting
emergency transport
to the lnfirmary.
Two patients:
Major Kira...
Keiko O'Brien.
Major.
Keiko's still in surgery
but she's going to be just fine.
And the baby?
Oh, my God.
No, no, Chief.
The baby's fine.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Everything's okay.
The baby...
just had a change of address,
that's all.
What do you mean?
Your son's living here now.
Major Kira almost had us clear
of the asteroid field
and then the deflectors
became overwhelmed.
We were sideswiped by a rock
the size of this room.
A fuel pod exploded
and Keiko was thrown
against the bulkhead.
She had a concussion,
broken ribs
internal hemorrhaging.
I managed to stabilize her
but the baby's autonomic
functions were failing.
I had to find another womb
for the baby
and the only two people
available
were Major Kira... and me.
I think you made
the right choice, Doctor.
But... the Major's Bajoran.
How can she carry a human baby?
Well, I had to stimulate
Kira's estrogen
and progesterone production
and administer high doses
of tesokine to enable the baby
to metabolize
Bajoran nutrients.
But the bottom line is
it worked, right?
Right.
So, uh, when will Keiko
be strong enough
to take the baby back?
Well, Keiko should be
up on her feet again
in a day or two.
However, the baby...
What?
Major Kira will have to carry
the baby to term.
You see, Chief, Bajoran women
carry their children
for less than five months.
Because they have
such a short gestation period
they vascularize very quickly.
Mother and child form
a complex interconnecting
network of blood vessels.
And in order to transfer
the baby back to Keiko
I would have to sever those ties
which would likely cause massive
internal hemorrhaging in Kira
and a severe respiratory trauma
for the baby.
So...
what you're telling me
is that...
Major Kira's going to have
my baby?
What is it?
Hello, Brother.
You wanted to see me?
Come here.
Did you get lots of bids?
I wouldn't say lots.
How many?
Let me count.
One.
Oh?
17 bars, three strips
and five slips of latinum
for the entire collection.
It's a generous opening bid.
It's an insultingly low offer.
Oh, and it also happens to be
the exact sum total
of your life savings.
Oh?
What a coincidence.
Stop it.
I don't want your charity.
It's not charity.
I want to have something
to remember you by
when you're gone.
I knew this was a mistake.
But, Brother,
you've got to give it time.
Your body's only been
on the Exchange--
Oh, forget the bidding!
This has all been a mistake.
My life...
coming here...
putting a bar on this Cardassian
monstrosity of a station.
What was I thinking?!
Brother, come here quick.
It's a bid.
A bid.
A huge bid.
500 bars of latinum...
for the entire set.
That's 10,000 strips.
That's one million slips.
That sounds even better.
It doesn't say
who the bidder is.
It's not me.
No kidding.
You think it's Moogie?
No. She doesn't
like me that much.
She might buy one disk
but all 52?
No.
Who could it be?
Who could afford to spend
500 bars of latinum on me?
Grand Nagus Zek.
The Nagus?
Of course.
It makes perfect sense.
He always liked me.
He used you when it
suited his needs.
I don't think
it's the same thing.
Don't you see?
He used me because he liked me.
He couldn't admit
that in public.
So he made this anonymous bid
as a gesture of his
appreciation and gratitude.
That doesn't sound
like the Nagus I know.
But it doesn't matter
who made the offer.
The important thing is
this could stimulate
further bidding.
Well, now let's
not be foolish, Rom.
If we wait, the Grand Nagus
might just change his mind.
Going once, going twice, sold.
Congratulations, Brother.
Yeah.
It took me my whole life...
but I'm going to die a winner.
-Hi.
-Hi.
How are you feeling?
Like I've been hit
by a ten-ton rock.
Julian says I'll be
on my feet tomorrow.
How are you?
Fine.
Though...
I think I've put
on a little weight.
You carry it well.
You know, what...
what you're doing for me
and for us, l...
I don't know how to thank you.
Oh.
Keiko...
this is your baby.
That will pay off Moogie
Ieaving 196 bars of latinum
to pay off Uncle Gorad
and Cousin Gaila.
Is that clear?
I think so.
Good. Now,
on to my funeral arrangements.
First...
Quark?
I want my eulogy
to take place in the holosuite.
We'll charge admission--
two slips a head.
I don't know about that.
You're right.
Make it three.
Quark.
Huh?
I just received an odd message
from a Dr. Orpax of Ferenginar.
He wanted me to tell you
that he's very sorry
but you don't have
Dorek syndrome.
Does that make any sense to you?
You don't have Dorek syndrome?
Do you know what that means,
Rom?
It means you're going to live!
It means I get to sue Dr. Orpax
for malpractice!
And I'm going to live.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
I-l-l'm coming!
Computer, lights.
Come in already.
Brunt, FCA.
Don't tell me
this is a surprise audit.
Not this time.
I'm here to...
check on my merchandise.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you.
I paid 500 bars of latinum
for your desiccated remains
and I'm here to collect.
You're the anonymous buyer?
Well, who did you expect?
-The Nagus?
-The Nagus?
Of course not.
I'm just a little surprised
it was you.
I guess you haven't
heard the news.
You mean that you
don't have Dorek syndrome?
I know all about it.
But, uh, I don't understand.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to get what I paid for.
The contract calls for 52 disks
of vacuum-desiccated Quark
available within six days.
I'm here to make sure
you deliver
the merchandise.
Maybe I wasn't clear.
I'm not dying.
Maybe I wasn't clear.
I don't care.
I want...
my merchandise.
I have a thousand ideas
of how to defile your remains.
Want to hear my favorites?
I see.
How foolish of me.
I forgot to mention
that on top of your full refund
you'll also be receiving an
additional five bars of latinum
for your troubles.
Did I say five?
I meant ten.
You drive a hard bargain.
12-- that's my final offer.
Look, it's late,
you've come a long way.
Why don't we stop this haggling
and you just tell me
how much you want?
What I want...
is 52 disks
of vacuum-desiccated Quark--
nothing more
nothing less.
But I'm not going
to die just yet!
What do you expect me to do?
Kill myself?
Of course not.
You can have someone
do it for you.
I recommend strangulation--
Ieaves the body
relatively unmarked
for desiccation.
You can't be serious.
A contract is a contract...
Is a contract.
I know that.
But you don't collect
on contracts
under these circumstances.
We're not Klingons.
We're businessmen.
This is not business.
Quark...
this is personal.
But why?
What have I ever done to you?
Done to me?
And you call your brother
an idiot?
Nothing you have
ever done to me
has been more than
a minor inconvenience, no.
Protecting your mother
from an FCA audit
and secretly settling
with your striking employees
were nothing more than symptoms
of a vile
and insidious weakness...
a weakness
that makes me loath you--
not for what you've done
but for who you are,
what you are.
A bartender?
A philanthropist.
I am not.
You give your customers
credit at the bar!
You only take
a 30 percent kickback
from your employees' tips
and you sold food and
medicine to Bajoran refugees
at cost!
That's not true.
It was just above cost.
Close enough.
It was still a generous
humanitarian gesture.
You've gone Starfleet.
You might as well be wearing
one of their uniforms.
It's people like you
that give honest Ferengi
businessmen a bad name.
I can reform.
I'll start gouging
the customers again.
I'll revoke all
my employees' vacation time.
You gave them vacations?
I didn't give them anything.
They contributed
to a central fund
which I manage...
You...
disgust me.
Look!
I understand your anger.
You're absolutely
right about me
but there must be some
accommodation we can make--
something other than
me killing myself.
Of course, there is.
You can break the contract.
Me-- break a Ferengi contract?
Never.
Never?
Uh-uh.
I wonder if there's
enough Ferengi left in you
to stick to that.
Part of me hopes you will
break it, because then
everything you and your
family own on Ferenginar
will be confiscated
and sold to the lowest bidder.
Your mother will be forced
to live on the streets,
begging for scraps of food
and, of course, no Ferengi
will do business with you
or even talk to you.
You'll be cut off from all
contact with your own people.
I like Ferengi.
I-l feel comfortable
around them.
Well, we don't feel
comfortable around you.
You're a disease, Quark
a festering tumor
on the lobes of Ferengi society
and it's my job to cut you off.
One step at a time.
Yeah...
we're almost there.
Prepare for docking.
Thrusters back to half.
Yes.
Nice landing, Captain.
Let me know when you want
to get underway again.
I think I'll stay here a week.
Did you see Kira today?
Yeah.
I saw her in Ops.
I was thinking about
inviting her to dinner.
Good idea. Maybe she could
come by every evening.
Even if she came by every
evening, it wouldn't be enough.
I know I'm being selfish.
I should be grateful
that my baby's alive and well.
But I shouldn't have
to make appointments
to be with my own child.
Miles, what are we going to do?
I don't know.
I know what you're thinking,
Brother--
that you can't break
a sacred Ferengi tradition.
But the truth is defying
Ferengi tradition isn't so bad.
I did it--
I formed a union.
Everyone said I was crazy
that no Ferengi would have
anything to do with me.
They didn't want
anything to do with you
before you formed the union.
If you try the trousers on first
you'll see I've added
some extra padding to the seat
which should make swiveling
on your barstool
much more comfortable.
I'm afraid your pants won't be
ready until next week, Quark.
That's not why I'm here.
Ah! And what can I do for you?
I want to hire you,
not as a tailor--
as an assassin.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, yes, you do.
You weren't always a tailor.
You're right.
I used to be a gardener.
Now, if you have something you
want weeded, you let me know.
Not something...
someone.
You're going to have
Brunt killed.
I didn't think
you had it in you, Brother.
What a bold,
uncompromising move.
Would you be quiet?
I don't want you to kill Brunt.
I want you to kill me.
You want me to kill you.
Well, that's different.
Something swift and painless
and preferably bloodless...
though I imagine
that's not always possible.
Wait a minute!
You can't do this.
I thought you were going
to break the contract.
What are
the key words there?
You thought.
But, Brother...
Don't "Brother" me, Rom.
I'm not like you or Nog
or Moogie
or the rest
of our pathetic family.
I'm a Ferengi businessman.
And I made a contract.
And a contract
is a contract is...
Don't quote
Rules of Acquisition to me!
This is your life
we're talking about!
That's right.
My life!
What's the most important
thing in my life?
Business.
That's who I am.
That's what I do.
I'm a businessman.
And more than that,
I'm a Ferengi businessman.
Do you know what that means?
It means that I'm not exploiting
and cheating people at random.
I'm doing it according
to a specific set of rules.
The Rules of Acquisition.
And I won't disregard them
when I find them inconvenient.
Inconvenient?
You're going to die!
Yes.
And when I arrive at the gates
of the Divine Treasury
the Registrar will accept
my bribe and usher me inside
and do you know why?
Because I died
exactly the way I lived--
as a Ferengi!
Garak, let's talk about death.
He's kicking so hard.
Do you think he's all right?
Oh, it's a good sign.
Molly--
I thought she was going
to kick her way out of me.
Lower back, huh?
Hold on.
I have just the thing.
It was so thoughtful of you
to share this with us.
Thank you, Major.
Please... Nerys.
So, um, any morning sickness?
What's that?
Well, I don't know
how it is for Bajorans
but, typically, human mothers
wake up feeling nauseous.
Well, it doesn't work
that way for Bajorans.
Typically, we start
sneezing-- uncontrollably.
But this is a human baby.
I don't know what to expect.
Here you go.
Oh...
Slide that in there.
Get this side...
Sorry.
Better?
I'm hungry.
Oh, much.
Put your feet up.
Oh, no, no, that's fine.
It is about that time.
I'll get dinner started.
I should be going
back to my quarters.
Why? Have dinner with us.
I don't want to impose.
Nerys, you're having
our baby.
You're family now.
That's right.
In fact, Keiko and I have been
talking about something.
Well, we have an idea
that we'd like you to consider.
It's just an idea.
We don't want to pressure you.
I understand.
What is it?
Go ahead.
Mmm... mmm!
Ooh.
Mmm.
How's that?
Awful!
Did you hear that sound
of bone snapping?
I don't want that to be
the last thing I hear.
It wasn't that loud.
You don't have these ears.
Snapping vertebrae is out.
We're running
out of options, Quark.
You don't want to be vaporized
because you need a body.
The disrupter ruined
your clothing,
the knife was too savage
the nerve gas smelled bad
hanging took too long
and poison...
What was wrong with poison?
It doesn't work!
If I know the food is
poisoned, I won't eat it.
Could you get rid of this?
The sight of it
is making me sick.
Computer, remove corpse.
For a man who wants
to kill himself
you are strangely
determined to live.
I'm going to die--
don't you worry about that.
I just want to find
the right way.
Right way?
I don't want to see it coming
or hear it or feel it
or smell it.
I just want to go on with
my life and then... I'm dead.
Ah.
You want to be surprised.
Exactly. I want to wake up
in the Divine Treasury
and have no idea
how I got there.
I see.
Perhaps that can be arranged.
Really.
You have my word.
You'll never know
what hit you.
Computer?
Lights.
Garak, if you're in here...
I'm not going to be surprised!
Where am l?
"Please have your profit
and loss statement
"ready for inspection...
before entering
the Divine Treasury."
I'm dead.
Garak, you're good.
I'm really dead.
You're not just dead, Quark...
you're an idiot!
Who... are you?
I am Gint,
the first Grand Nagus.
You look like...
Iike my brother Rom.
That's because this is
a dream, you imbecile.
So...
I'm not dead.
What a clever boy--
always thinking.
I'm asleep.
That explains why this place
looks so tacky.
I mean, the Divine Treasury...
please.
Don't blame me
for your limited imagination.
Now, I'll make it simple.
You have to break
the contract with Brunt.
You got to be joking.
You're Gint.
You wrote
The Rules ofAcquisition--
the scared precepts upon which
all Ferengi society is based.
Oh, you of all people
can't expect me to break them.
Why not?
They're just rules.
They're written in a book
not carved in stone.
And even if they were in stone,
so what?
A bunch of us just made them up.
Are you saying
they don't matter?
Of course, they matter.
That's why
they're a best seller.
But we're talking
about your life here.
The Rules are nothing
but guideposts...
suggestions.
Then why call them "Rules"?
Would you buy a book called
Suggestions ofAcquisition?
Doesn't quite have
the same ring to it, does it?
You mean it was
a marketing ploy?
Shh!
A brilliant one.
Rule of Acquisition 239:
"Never be afraid
to mislabel a product."
I've based my entire life
around these Rules.
How can I just walk
away from them?
Because I'm telling you to.
But you can't do that.
You're not Gint.
This is just a dream.
Exactly.
And I wouldn't be here
if you didn't want
to break the Rules.
You just need
someone's permission.
So I'm giving it to you.
I suppose...
if the First Nagus Gint
came to me in a vision
and told me
to break the Rules...
that would be all right.
Quark, hold it right there!
Brunt, FCA.
What are you doing here?
This is a private vision.
I'm here to remind you
of the consequences
of disregarding the Rules--
poverty, destitution
exile.
I know.
I know, but look!
Gint himself has come
to me in a vision.
He's telling me
to break the contract.
That is not Gint.
Gint was a lot taller.
You listen to that fraud,
you'll regret it
for the rest
of your miserable life.
I say we kill him right now.
This is a dream.
You can't kill me.
However...
people have been known
to die in their sleep.
Come on!
Rom!
Gint-- whatever your name is!
Help me.
He's got a point, Quark.
It's a dream.
I can't really do anything.
But if you want to live,
break the contract.
It's your only hope.
I'm alive.
I find it surprising
that someone with such long,
slender and nimble fingers
has never practiced oo-mox.
Come to beg for your life?
What is this?
I am returning
your 500 bars of latinum
plus interest.
I told you I wasn't
interested in a refund.
I know.
I'm breaking the contract.
I knew it.
You're just like
the rest of your family--
weak-lobed degenerates...
another loser
in a long line
of failed Ferengis.
Look, I've broken the contract
so do your job--
take my assets, revoke
my Ferengi business license.
Do whatever you have to do,
then get out.
And if I ever see you
walk into my bar again...
Yes?
You won't walk out.
May I have your attention,
please?!
Brunt, FCA.
As of this moment,
no further Ferengi commerce
may be conducted in this bar.
No Ferengi may be
employed by this bar
no Ferengi may eat or drink
in this bar
and no Ferengi--
no Ferengi!--
may do business with that man!
Confiscation of assets
will begin immediately.
Ladies and gentlemen...
this bar is closed
until further notice.
Thank you for your patronage.
Come in.
I'll take that, Major... Nerys.
Is this it?
Oh, I travel light.
Would you like to see your room?
Sure.
Welcome to your new home.
At least until the baby is born.
Are you my aunt?
Well...
Sounds right to me.
Aunt Nerys.
Aunt Nerys,
can I play in your room?
Anytime you want.
How are you, Brother?
How am l?
I'm broke...
ruined...
destitute...
a pariah.
How are things with you?
Not bad.
Glad to hear it.
They took everything?
Mm-hmm.
Including this shirt.
I'm supposed to send it to Brunt
in the morning.
Don't worry.
I have some old clothes
I was going to throw out.
Hmph.
I'd rather be naked.
Okay.
Brother, the way
you stood up to Brunt...
Well, I want you to know
that I'm very proud of you.
Well, then...
I guess throwing my entire
life away was worth it.
I wouldn't go that far.
Mmm.
So, what are you going
to do now?
Well, Rom...
I've been thinking long and hard
and you know what?
I don't have a clue.
Quark, where do you want this?
What is it?
A case of Alvanian brandy.
A patient sent it as payment,
but I can't accept it.
Nice try, Doctor
but I don't want your charity.
Oh, it's not charity.
I find it undrinkable.
So, do you want it
or shall I dump it?
Quark, my sister sent me these.
I thought you might want them.
But they're really ugly.
They're not as ugly
as the old ones
but they're pretty bad.
This is all very amusing
but I can't start a bar
with a case of bad brandy
and a set of...
ugly glasses.
Quark.
Yes, Captain?
We're doing
some structural repair
on Level 2 of the Habitat Ring.
We need a place to store
some extra furniture
for the next few months
and it looks like
you have the room.
Captain, where do
you want me to put
all this furniture?
We have three levels,
Constable, use them all.
Understood.
Captain, you can't do this!
Not without paying
a storage fee.
A minimum storage fee--
practically nothing.
Send me the bill.
All right.
Don't just stand there, Odo.
Move it all in.
Ah!
Look at them, Brother.
And you thought
you had no assets.
Sisko, Dax
Bashir, Morn...
they're my assets?
To name a few.
I guess you're right.
Huh.
I need a drink.
Li...
not in her condition.
Chief, I am certain
Dr. Bashir and Major Kira
are taking good care
of your wife.
And besides,
you know there's no way
you could have kept
Keiko from going.
She's been talking
about the botanical
mysteries on Torad V
for a long time.
You're lucky she agreed
to limit the trip to three days.
Three days
in the Gamma Quadrant.
Do you know what she
wanted to do last week?
What?
She wanted to go back to Bajor
and rappel down
the cliffs of Undalar
to get a fungus sample.
Rappel to get fungus.
It's as if I have to remind her
that she's pregnant.
Yeah.
I guess the extra weight,
the morning sickness
the mood swings
the medical examinations--
they aren't reminders enough.
I have work to do.
Hey!
Dabo!
Very good!
We have a winner!
Rom! My brother!
I'm glad to see you.
Let me pour you a snail juice.
Okay, but only one.
My shift starts in 33 minutes.
I'll make it a tall one
and it's on the house.
We're celebrating.
Celebrating?!
What?
My return from two weeks
on Ferenginar.
Didn't you miss me?
Uh, I suppose.
And I missed you.
That's two reasons
for celebrating.
Enjoy.
Thanks.
Just the way you like it?
Perfect.
So, how was your trip?
Did you close
the vole belly deal?
The what?
Oh, yeah. Closed it
on the first day.
15 percent profit margin.
Great.
Did you see Moogie?
Mother's fine.
She sends her love.
What else did you do?
Well, let's see, uh...
I closed the deal--
told you that.
Did some shopping...
Made a pilgrimage
to the Great Marketplace.
And, uh... oh, yes.
I found out, uh...
I'm...
I'm dying!
What are you all looking at?
Haven't you ever seen
a dying man before?
You're dying?
I got my results
from my annual
insurance physical.
All the tests came back
negative except for one.
I have Dorek syndrome.
But... that's incurable.
That's right
which explains the dying part.
But... Dorek syndrome...
it's so rare.
It strikes
only one out of every
five million Ferengi.
I finally beat the odds.
How long do you have before...?
According to Dr. Orpax,
six days...
maybe seven.
Is he sure?
Oh, of course, he's sure.
He's one of the most
expensive doctors
on Ferenginar.
He charges two slips of latinum
just to walk
into the waiting room.
This is terrible!
I don't want you to die,
Brother.
Maybe you should get
a second opinion.
Have Dr. Bashir examine you
when he gets back
from the Gamma Quadrant.
Bashir?
How good could he be?
He doesn't even charge.
Besides, what could
a hu-man doctor know
about Dorek syndrome?
You're going to die!
I have six days to take care
of everything-- my will...
Moogie's pension.
I have to make
funeral arrangements.
Pay off my debts.
That's a lot of debts, Brother.
Yes, but half of those
are to hu-mans, Bajorans
a couple of Klingons.
Rule of Acquisition 17:
A contract is a contract
is a contract
but only between Ferengi.
Exactly.
But you're right.
It's still a lot of debt.
You could always sell
the desiccated remains
of your corpse
on the Ferengi Futures Exchange.
Who'd want to buy a disk
of desiccated Quark?
I'm nobody--
just some bartender
with a domineering mother
and an idiot brother.
You were the Grand Nagus.
For a week.
If I'm lucky, I'll be a footnote
in some...
Ferengi financial almanac.
You anticipated
the change of administrations
here on the station.
And as a reward
I'm inextricably linked
to the Federation.
I'm a joke on Ferenginar.
Starfleet's favorite bartender!
The synthehol king!
What a legacy.
You're not a joke here.
You're a respected
businessman...
a pillar of the community
a man with... many friends.
Friends?
Community?
You sound like
some sniveling hu-man.
The only opinions I care about
are those of my peers--
Ferengi businessmen.
In their eyes
I'm a second-rate,
small-time operator.
Stop it!
Stop it, Brother!
You are somebody.
You'll see.
You march right over
to that com link
and offer your
vacuum-desiccated remains
for sale
on the Futures Exchange.
You'll see.
Bids'll come flooding in
from all over
the Ferengi Alliance.
Everyone will want a disk
of Quark on their desk.
In fact, there may
not be enough of you
to meet the demand.
You're a liar, but I love you.
Just wait.
When you see how much
your body is worth
you're going to wish
you died years ago...
or something like that.
Captain, something's coming
through the wormhole.
On screen.
Magnify.
The Volga.
It has been damaged.
Dr. Bashir is requesting
emergency transport
to the lnfirmary.
Two patients:
Major Kira...
Keiko O'Brien.
Major.
Keiko's still in surgery
but she's going to be just fine.
And the baby?
Oh, my God.
No, no, Chief.
The baby's fine.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Everything's okay.
The baby...
just had a change of address,
that's all.
What do you mean?
Your son's living here now.
Major Kira almost had us clear
of the asteroid field
and then the deflectors
became overwhelmed.
We were sideswiped by a rock
the size of this room.
A fuel pod exploded
and Keiko was thrown
against the bulkhead.
She had a concussion,
broken ribs
internal hemorrhaging.
I managed to stabilize her
but the baby's autonomic
functions were failing.
I had to find another womb
for the baby
and the only two people
available
were Major Kira... and me.
I think you made
the right choice, Doctor.
But... the Major's Bajoran.
How can she carry a human baby?
Well, I had to stimulate
Kira's estrogen
and progesterone production
and administer high doses
of tesokine to enable the baby
to metabolize
Bajoran nutrients.
But the bottom line is
it worked, right?
Right.
So, uh, when will Keiko
be strong enough
to take the baby back?
Well, Keiko should be
up on her feet again
in a day or two.
However, the baby...
What?
Major Kira will have to carry
the baby to term.
You see, Chief, Bajoran women
carry their children
for less than five months.
Because they have
such a short gestation period
they vascularize very quickly.
Mother and child form
a complex interconnecting
network of blood vessels.
And in order to transfer
the baby back to Keiko
I would have to sever those ties
which would likely cause massive
internal hemorrhaging in Kira
and a severe respiratory trauma
for the baby.
So...
what you're telling me
is that...
Major Kira's going to have
my baby?
What is it?
Hello, Brother.
You wanted to see me?
Come here.
Did you get lots of bids?
I wouldn't say lots.
How many?
Let me count.
One.
Oh?
17 bars, three strips
and five slips of latinum
for the entire collection.
It's a generous opening bid.
It's an insultingly low offer.
Oh, and it also happens to be
the exact sum total
of your life savings.
Oh?
What a coincidence.
Stop it.
I don't want your charity.
It's not charity.
I want to have something
to remember you by
when you're gone.
I knew this was a mistake.
But, Brother,
you've got to give it time.
Your body's only been
on the Exchange--
Oh, forget the bidding!
This has all been a mistake.
My life...
coming here...
putting a bar on this Cardassian
monstrosity of a station.
What was I thinking?!
Brother, come here quick.
It's a bid.
A bid.
A huge bid.
500 bars of latinum...
for the entire set.
That's 10,000 strips.
That's one million slips.
That sounds even better.
It doesn't say
who the bidder is.
It's not me.
No kidding.
You think it's Moogie?
No. She doesn't
like me that much.
She might buy one disk
but all 52?
No.
Who could it be?
Who could afford to spend
500 bars of latinum on me?
Grand Nagus Zek.
The Nagus?
Of course.
It makes perfect sense.
He always liked me.
He used you when it
suited his needs.
I don't think
it's the same thing.
Don't you see?
He used me because he liked me.
He couldn't admit
that in public.
So he made this anonymous bid
as a gesture of his
appreciation and gratitude.
That doesn't sound
like the Nagus I know.
But it doesn't matter
who made the offer.
The important thing is
this could stimulate
further bidding.
Well, now let's
not be foolish, Rom.
If we wait, the Grand Nagus
might just change his mind.
Going once, going twice, sold.
Congratulations, Brother.
Yeah.
It took me my whole life...
but I'm going to die a winner.
-Hi.
-Hi.
How are you feeling?
Like I've been hit
by a ten-ton rock.
Julian says I'll be
on my feet tomorrow.
How are you?
Fine.
Though...
I think I've put
on a little weight.
You carry it well.
You know, what...
what you're doing for me
and for us, l...
I don't know how to thank you.
Oh.
Keiko...
this is your baby.
That will pay off Moogie
Ieaving 196 bars of latinum
to pay off Uncle Gorad
and Cousin Gaila.
Is that clear?
I think so.
Good. Now,
on to my funeral arrangements.
First...
Quark?
I want my eulogy
to take place in the holosuite.
We'll charge admission--
two slips a head.
I don't know about that.
You're right.
Make it three.
Quark.
Huh?
I just received an odd message
from a Dr. Orpax of Ferenginar.
He wanted me to tell you
that he's very sorry
but you don't have
Dorek syndrome.
Does that make any sense to you?
You don't have Dorek syndrome?
Do you know what that means,
Rom?
It means you're going to live!
It means I get to sue Dr. Orpax
for malpractice!
And I'm going to live.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
I-l-l'm coming!
Computer, lights.
Come in already.
Brunt, FCA.
Don't tell me
this is a surprise audit.
Not this time.
I'm here to...
check on my merchandise.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you.
I paid 500 bars of latinum
for your desiccated remains
and I'm here to collect.
You're the anonymous buyer?
Well, who did you expect?
-The Nagus?
-The Nagus?
Of course not.
I'm just a little surprised
it was you.
I guess you haven't
heard the news.
You mean that you
don't have Dorek syndrome?
I know all about it.
But, uh, I don't understand.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to get what I paid for.
The contract calls for 52 disks
of vacuum-desiccated Quark
available within six days.
I'm here to make sure
you deliver
the merchandise.
Maybe I wasn't clear.
I'm not dying.
Maybe I wasn't clear.
I don't care.
I want...
my merchandise.
I have a thousand ideas
of how to defile your remains.
Want to hear my favorites?
I see.
How foolish of me.
I forgot to mention
that on top of your full refund
you'll also be receiving an
additional five bars of latinum
for your troubles.
Did I say five?
I meant ten.
You drive a hard bargain.
12-- that's my final offer.
Look, it's late,
you've come a long way.
Why don't we stop this haggling
and you just tell me
how much you want?
What I want...
is 52 disks
of vacuum-desiccated Quark--
nothing more
nothing less.
But I'm not going
to die just yet!
What do you expect me to do?
Kill myself?
Of course not.
You can have someone
do it for you.
I recommend strangulation--
Ieaves the body
relatively unmarked
for desiccation.
You can't be serious.
A contract is a contract...
Is a contract.
I know that.
But you don't collect
on contracts
under these circumstances.
We're not Klingons.
We're businessmen.
This is not business.
Quark...
this is personal.
But why?
What have I ever done to you?
Done to me?
And you call your brother
an idiot?
Nothing you have
ever done to me
has been more than
a minor inconvenience, no.
Protecting your mother
from an FCA audit
and secretly settling
with your striking employees
were nothing more than symptoms
of a vile
and insidious weakness...
a weakness
that makes me loath you--
not for what you've done
but for who you are,
what you are.
A bartender?
A philanthropist.
I am not.
You give your customers
credit at the bar!
You only take
a 30 percent kickback
from your employees' tips
and you sold food and
medicine to Bajoran refugees
at cost!
That's not true.
It was just above cost.
Close enough.
It was still a generous
humanitarian gesture.
You've gone Starfleet.
You might as well be wearing
one of their uniforms.
It's people like you
that give honest Ferengi
businessmen a bad name.
I can reform.
I'll start gouging
the customers again.
I'll revoke all
my employees' vacation time.
You gave them vacations?
I didn't give them anything.
They contributed
to a central fund
which I manage...
You...
disgust me.
Look!
I understand your anger.
You're absolutely
right about me
but there must be some
accommodation we can make--
something other than
me killing myself.
Of course, there is.
You can break the contract.
Me-- break a Ferengi contract?
Never.
Never?
Uh-uh.
I wonder if there's
enough Ferengi left in you
to stick to that.
Part of me hopes you will
break it, because then
everything you and your
family own on Ferenginar
will be confiscated
and sold to the lowest bidder.
Your mother will be forced
to live on the streets,
begging for scraps of food
and, of course, no Ferengi
will do business with you
or even talk to you.
You'll be cut off from all
contact with your own people.
I like Ferengi.
I-l feel comfortable
around them.
Well, we don't feel
comfortable around you.
You're a disease, Quark
a festering tumor
on the lobes of Ferengi society
and it's my job to cut you off.
One step at a time.
Yeah...
we're almost there.
Prepare for docking.
Thrusters back to half.
Yes.
Nice landing, Captain.
Let me know when you want
to get underway again.
I think I'll stay here a week.
Did you see Kira today?
Yeah.
I saw her in Ops.
I was thinking about
inviting her to dinner.
Good idea. Maybe she could
come by every evening.
Even if she came by every
evening, it wouldn't be enough.
I know I'm being selfish.
I should be grateful
that my baby's alive and well.
But I shouldn't have
to make appointments
to be with my own child.
Miles, what are we going to do?
I don't know.
I know what you're thinking,
Brother--
that you can't break
a sacred Ferengi tradition.
But the truth is defying
Ferengi tradition isn't so bad.
I did it--
I formed a union.
Everyone said I was crazy
that no Ferengi would have
anything to do with me.
They didn't want
anything to do with you
before you formed the union.
If you try the trousers on first
you'll see I've added
some extra padding to the seat
which should make swiveling
on your barstool
much more comfortable.
I'm afraid your pants won't be
ready until next week, Quark.
That's not why I'm here.
Ah! And what can I do for you?
I want to hire you,
not as a tailor--
as an assassin.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, yes, you do.
You weren't always a tailor.
You're right.
I used to be a gardener.
Now, if you have something you
want weeded, you let me know.
Not something...
someone.
You're going to have
Brunt killed.
I didn't think
you had it in you, Brother.
What a bold,
uncompromising move.
Would you be quiet?
I don't want you to kill Brunt.
I want you to kill me.
You want me to kill you.
Well, that's different.
Something swift and painless
and preferably bloodless...
though I imagine
that's not always possible.
Wait a minute!
You can't do this.
I thought you were going
to break the contract.
What are
the key words there?
You thought.
But, Brother...
Don't "Brother" me, Rom.
I'm not like you or Nog
or Moogie
or the rest
of our pathetic family.
I'm a Ferengi businessman.
And I made a contract.
And a contract
is a contract is...
Don't quote
Rules of Acquisition to me!
This is your life
we're talking about!
That's right.
My life!
What's the most important
thing in my life?
Business.
That's who I am.
That's what I do.
I'm a businessman.
And more than that,
I'm a Ferengi businessman.
Do you know what that means?
It means that I'm not exploiting
and cheating people at random.
I'm doing it according
to a specific set of rules.
The Rules of Acquisition.
And I won't disregard them
when I find them inconvenient.
Inconvenient?
You're going to die!
Yes.
And when I arrive at the gates
of the Divine Treasury
the Registrar will accept
my bribe and usher me inside
and do you know why?
Because I died
exactly the way I lived--
as a Ferengi!
Garak, let's talk about death.
He's kicking so hard.
Do you think he's all right?
Oh, it's a good sign.
Molly--
I thought she was going
to kick her way out of me.
Lower back, huh?
Hold on.
I have just the thing.
It was so thoughtful of you
to share this with us.
Thank you, Major.
Please... Nerys.
So, um, any morning sickness?
What's that?
Well, I don't know
how it is for Bajorans
but, typically, human mothers
wake up feeling nauseous.
Well, it doesn't work
that way for Bajorans.
Typically, we start
sneezing-- uncontrollably.
But this is a human baby.
I don't know what to expect.
Here you go.
Oh...
Slide that in there.
Get this side...
Sorry.
Better?
I'm hungry.
Oh, much.
Put your feet up.
Oh, no, no, that's fine.
It is about that time.
I'll get dinner started.
I should be going
back to my quarters.
Why? Have dinner with us.
I don't want to impose.
Nerys, you're having
our baby.
You're family now.
That's right.
In fact, Keiko and I have been
talking about something.
Well, we have an idea
that we'd like you to consider.
It's just an idea.
We don't want to pressure you.
I understand.
What is it?
Go ahead.
Mmm... mmm!
Ooh.
Mmm.
How's that?
Awful!
Did you hear that sound
of bone snapping?
I don't want that to be
the last thing I hear.
It wasn't that loud.
You don't have these ears.
Snapping vertebrae is out.
We're running
out of options, Quark.
You don't want to be vaporized
because you need a body.
The disrupter ruined
your clothing,
the knife was too savage
the nerve gas smelled bad
hanging took too long
and poison...
What was wrong with poison?
It doesn't work!
If I know the food is
poisoned, I won't eat it.
Could you get rid of this?
The sight of it
is making me sick.
Computer, remove corpse.
For a man who wants
to kill himself
you are strangely
determined to live.
I'm going to die--
don't you worry about that.
I just want to find
the right way.
Right way?
I don't want to see it coming
or hear it or feel it
or smell it.
I just want to go on with
my life and then... I'm dead.
Ah.
You want to be surprised.
Exactly. I want to wake up
in the Divine Treasury
and have no idea
how I got there.
I see.
Perhaps that can be arranged.
Really.
You have my word.
You'll never know
what hit you.
Computer?
Lights.
Garak, if you're in here...
I'm not going to be surprised!
Where am l?
"Please have your profit
and loss statement
"ready for inspection...
before entering
the Divine Treasury."
I'm dead.
Garak, you're good.
I'm really dead.
You're not just dead, Quark...
you're an idiot!
Who... are you?
I am Gint,
the first Grand Nagus.
You look like...
Iike my brother Rom.
That's because this is
a dream, you imbecile.
So...
I'm not dead.
What a clever boy--
always thinking.
I'm asleep.
That explains why this place
looks so tacky.
I mean, the Divine Treasury...
please.
Don't blame me
for your limited imagination.
Now, I'll make it simple.
You have to break
the contract with Brunt.
You got to be joking.
You're Gint.
You wrote
The Rules ofAcquisition--
the scared precepts upon which
all Ferengi society is based.
Oh, you of all people
can't expect me to break them.
Why not?
They're just rules.
They're written in a book
not carved in stone.
And even if they were in stone,
so what?
A bunch of us just made them up.
Are you saying
they don't matter?
Of course, they matter.
That's why
they're a best seller.
But we're talking
about your life here.
The Rules are nothing
but guideposts...
suggestions.
Then why call them "Rules"?
Would you buy a book called
Suggestions ofAcquisition?
Doesn't quite have
the same ring to it, does it?
You mean it was
a marketing ploy?
Shh!
A brilliant one.
Rule of Acquisition 239:
"Never be afraid
to mislabel a product."
I've based my entire life
around these Rules.
How can I just walk
away from them?
Because I'm telling you to.
But you can't do that.
You're not Gint.
This is just a dream.
Exactly.
And I wouldn't be here
if you didn't want
to break the Rules.
You just need
someone's permission.
So I'm giving it to you.
I suppose...
if the First Nagus Gint
came to me in a vision
and told me
to break the Rules...
that would be all right.
Quark, hold it right there!
Brunt, FCA.
What are you doing here?
This is a private vision.
I'm here to remind you
of the consequences
of disregarding the Rules--
poverty, destitution
exile.
I know.
I know, but look!
Gint himself has come
to me in a vision.
He's telling me
to break the contract.
That is not Gint.
Gint was a lot taller.
You listen to that fraud,
you'll regret it
for the rest
of your miserable life.
I say we kill him right now.
This is a dream.
You can't kill me.
However...
people have been known
to die in their sleep.
Come on!
Rom!
Gint-- whatever your name is!
Help me.
He's got a point, Quark.
It's a dream.
I can't really do anything.
But if you want to live,
break the contract.
It's your only hope.
I'm alive.
I find it surprising
that someone with such long,
slender and nimble fingers
has never practiced oo-mox.
Come to beg for your life?
What is this?
I am returning
your 500 bars of latinum
plus interest.
I told you I wasn't
interested in a refund.
I know.
I'm breaking the contract.
I knew it.
You're just like
the rest of your family--
weak-lobed degenerates...
another loser
in a long line
of failed Ferengis.
Look, I've broken the contract
so do your job--
take my assets, revoke
my Ferengi business license.
Do whatever you have to do,
then get out.
And if I ever see you
walk into my bar again...
Yes?
You won't walk out.
May I have your attention,
please?!
Brunt, FCA.
As of this moment,
no further Ferengi commerce
may be conducted in this bar.
No Ferengi may be
employed by this bar
no Ferengi may eat or drink
in this bar
and no Ferengi--
no Ferengi!--
may do business with that man!
Confiscation of assets
will begin immediately.
Ladies and gentlemen...
this bar is closed
until further notice.
Thank you for your patronage.
Come in.
I'll take that, Major... Nerys.
Is this it?
Oh, I travel light.
Would you like to see your room?
Sure.
Welcome to your new home.
At least until the baby is born.
Are you my aunt?
Well...
Sounds right to me.
Aunt Nerys.
Aunt Nerys,
can I play in your room?
Anytime you want.
How are you, Brother?
How am l?
I'm broke...
ruined...
destitute...
a pariah.
How are things with you?
Not bad.
Glad to hear it.
They took everything?
Mm-hmm.
Including this shirt.
I'm supposed to send it to Brunt
in the morning.
Don't worry.
I have some old clothes
I was going to throw out.
Hmph.
I'd rather be naked.
Okay.
Brother, the way
you stood up to Brunt...
Well, I want you to know
that I'm very proud of you.
Well, then...
I guess throwing my entire
life away was worth it.
I wouldn't go that far.
Mmm.
So, what are you going
to do now?
Well, Rom...
I've been thinking long and hard
and you know what?
I don't have a clue.
Quark, where do you want this?
What is it?
A case of Alvanian brandy.
A patient sent it as payment,
but I can't accept it.
Nice try, Doctor
but I don't want your charity.
Oh, it's not charity.
I find it undrinkable.
So, do you want it
or shall I dump it?
Quark, my sister sent me these.
I thought you might want them.
But they're really ugly.
They're not as ugly
as the old ones
but they're pretty bad.
This is all very amusing
but I can't start a bar
with a case of bad brandy
and a set of...
ugly glasses.
Quark.
Yes, Captain?
We're doing
some structural repair
on Level 2 of the Habitat Ring.
We need a place to store
some extra furniture
for the next few months
and it looks like
you have the room.
Captain, where do
you want me to put
all this furniture?
We have three levels,
Constable, use them all.
Understood.
Captain, you can't do this!
Not without paying
a storage fee.
A minimum storage fee--
practically nothing.
Send me the bill.
All right.
Don't just stand there, Odo.
Move it all in.
Ah!
Look at them, Brother.
And you thought
you had no assets.
Sisko, Dax
Bashir, Morn...
they're my assets?
To name a few.
I guess you're right.
Huh.
I need a drink.
Li...