Stag (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode 2 - full transcript
At gun-point the gamekeeper accuses the group of stealing his dog before leaving to look for her. One of the party, Cosmo, makes a break for it whilst the others are somewhat mysteriously joined by an apparent friend of Johnners, Christoph, who soon becomes the leader. An annoyed Sledge leaves, taking another of the stags, Mex, with him . Ian and Johnners throw their lot in with Christoph before being forced to abandon him. Then the killer strikes again.
'It's Ian.
'Your future brother-in-law. '
I'm here for the stag.
'For 2K all-in, we're guaranteed
a weekend's worth of pure man shit,
'my friends. '
River says no.
There'll be no hunting this weekend.
- Now, hang on, matey.
- What are we paying you for?
To the kill! The kill.
Aitken?
Argh!
Shit!
Whoever finds him shouts to
the other one, we meet back here.
Wendy.
Oh, God.
If only Christoph was here,
he'd know what to do.
He's not here, is he?
'I'm as broke as it comes.
The others, '
they talked me into sinking
all my cash
into some stupid offshore scheme
in Guernsey.
Come on, Neils!
Run!
I'm going to enjoy this.
What the bloody hell's that?
And by five o'clock
Everything's dead...
Hey!
What the bloody hell
are you playing at?
Get off the track -
you want to get yourself killed?
...Sleep in their beds
Like the doped white mice
in the college lab...
I'm going to ask you one question.
And you're going to give me
a straight answer.
What have you done...
with Katie?
Who?
My bitch.
My dog!
I don't know, I mean, we couldn't
care less about your dog.
I mean, I...
We like her,
but we don't know where she is,
currently.
Do we, guys? No.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
- What have you done with my dog?
- OK, now, listen... matey.
Killing any more of us,
I mean, it's not going to
prove anything, is it?
I think you've made your point.
Oh, we all know what's going on
here, don't we?
I mean, these guys work in banks.
I mean, they earn more in an hour
than you do in an entire year.
But they pay less tax!
And you resent them for it.
And they get that.
We know where you're coming from.
But enough now.
Seriously.
Having said that...
...if there genuinely
is no changing your mind,
could I just point out that I,
myself...
...do not work in the City.
Um, I'm a television executive.
One of the good guys.
A grafter.
Fill it.
Right, here's what's
going to happen next.
I'm going to take my Land Rover
and I'm going to find my dog.
Then I'm going to come back here
and take care of you.
The cap's a bit loose, be careful.
Right, fuck this
for a game of conkers, I'm off.
He just told us not to go anywhere.
Exactly.
And trust me, the second
that tartan psycho finds his pooch,
he'll be back to butcher us all.
If he was going to kill us,
he would have done it just then.
The man has Aitken
hanging up in his kitchen.
I mean, think about it - who else
has Ledge pissed off
since we've been here?
I mean, who else owns a harpoon?
Let the twat go, that's what I say.
"I'm just a TV exec.
Kill them, not me. "
Last chance.
Fine.
Your funerals.
Wait, Cosmo!
You can't just leave.
Not like this.
If you're right
and he's the killer, then...
we're dead.
If you're wrong, you are.
You've known these guys for years.
You can't just not say goodbye.
Your cummerbund's upside down.
You might want to get inside.
Yeah.
There.
Oh, what the hell.
Shit!
I'm not sure we should,
to be honest.
That looks like an expensive bottle.
We don't want to piss him off.
I think that ship might have sailed.
To Aitken.
To Wendy.
To Neils.
To Cosmo.
Well, it's pretty likely.
Yes?
Nothing, it's just... I just noticed
that you didn't put
your little finger up.
- I'm sorry?
- Your pinkie.
- It wasn't perky.
- He's right, you know.
So, that's a forfeit.
Trousers down...
drink what's left!
What, all of it?
- "Finish", it says here.
- If it flows, it goes.
Fine.
Maybe Fatty lost his nerve.
Maybe Grumpy found his dog.
Maybe it's the Fear Mor?
Positions!
This is my space! Go!
- Mex!
- Aaiii!
G'day, boys!
Argh! Christ!
Ian!
Christoph, are you OK?
Christoph?
What the actual fuck?
It's a fork.
Hnnn! Still got it. Ahh!
Yeah, still got it.
'I'm so sorry about your arm. '
How did you know we were here?
That is a very good question, Mex.
That is very pertinent indeed.
I sent you the e-mails.
- Hm, did you?
- Yes.
- Did you?
- Yes.
Did you?
I thought I did.
But did you?
Or did you just try and cut me out,
like you normally do, by sending
them to my Hotmail account?
The one you know
I haven't looked at since 2002.
You don't look at
your Hotmail account?
Well, you know, whatever.
It's fantastic you found us, buddy.
How did you find us, by the way?
It wasn't easy.
I had to get a cab
all the way from Glasgow, didn't I?
The cab driver was in a foul mood
the whole way,
because A, he's Scottish...
...and B, he'd only just got back
from dropping off some ponce
in a dinner jacket.
I'm so sorry about your arm.
Yeah, you said.
Taxi!
Taxi!
Wait, please, driver.
Yep.
Fulham Palace Road, please, mate.
You, er...
might want to reset that.
I've only just got in.
Friend.
Hey.
Hey!
Oh, God.
Eurgh! Oh, God.
Fuck!
Nothing happens at all
The needle returns
to the start of the song
And we all sing along
right before...
Oh, come on!
Really? Really?
Closed-circuit cameras
in department stores
Shoot the same movie every day
And the stars of these films
neither die...
So tell me a bit more
about this bloke.
This gamekeeper.
- Saying he's got a harpoon?
- And a shotgun. -And a crossbow.
And we've got to assume he's got
a rifle. The man's a huntsman.
So he'll have binos, he'll be
carrying a blade,
that's an absolute given.
He's got a Land Rover.
He's in a ute.
And he's got beef.
Significant beef with you lot.
He's bound to.
So the killer is armed, dangerous
and he's specifically told you
he's coming back here
to take care of you.
Do you want to fill me in,
if it's not too much trouble,
on the thought process behind
actually waiting for him
to get back here?
Continue for 16.4 miles
and bear right onto the...
Yeah, all right, mate.
Keep it down.
Turn around where possible.
Turn around where possible.
Turn around where possible.
'OK, we plunder
this joint for anything useful. '
I'm talking about waterproof
clothing, fresh socks, food, fluids.
I cannot overemphasise
the need to have dry feet
and hydration in terrain
such as this.
Why are you talking like
you're in charge all of a sudden?
I'm best man here, mate.
I didn't want to have to be
the one to say this, Ledge, but...
you left me no choice.
You've led our friends
into harm's way.
No-one's going to think
any less of you if you just...
do the decent thing and step aside.
It's what everyone's thinking.
If you've got cage fighting gloves,
now would be a good time
to put 'em on.
We leave here at sunrise.
That's in less than an hour.
Dick.
Hands in the air.
I can't.
Now.
I can't.
Brave girl.
First-come, first-served. Go on.
Hey!
What's that in there?
Ordnance Survey.
1:25,000 scale, it's like the Bible.
Geography teacher.
There.
That's a phone box.
That's a public ruddy phone box.
Boys... it's time.
Come on, boys. Let's do it.
The secret to covering territory
is a steady rhythm.
Your boot heels should be striking
the ground twice a second,
every second. Win the land.
Did he just say, "Win the land"?
I feel so much safer
now Christoph's in charge.
I don't know what the hell
this shirt thinks it's made of.
Bastard's at least 60% evil.
All right, boys, we're four miles
shy of the phone box.
Not too shabby. Have we got some
shrapnel for when we get there?
999 is free...
you Neanderthal.
What if they don't pick up? Eh?
What then, best man?
What if who doesn't pick up?
It's not one guy sitting there,
on his own.
999 isn't his extension.
Is that your angry face?
Are you angry at me?
Or angry at yourself because
you can't think of a comeback?
Whoa, guys, stop!
We stick together, right?
We get to the phone box together
and then no-one has to talk
to anyone else ever again.
Animal.
Her wee bottle's in my jacket there.
She can wee in a bottle?
Um... Listen...
I just wanted to say...
I am so sorry that I thought
you were responsible for all this.
Whoever that's doing it
certainly wants it to look that way.
No, we should have listened to you
from the get-go.
Stayed on the other side
of the bloody river.
Well, if you'd have done that,
you'd never have found her.
What do you think hurt her?
The Fear Mor.
No, I'm only kidding!
She probably caught herself
in one of my snares.
These woods...
...they're full of traps.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
How much further?
Going to cross that gully, over that
scrub and down into those woods...
All-in, we're looking
at about four miles.
Four miles?
You said that about five miles ago.
What, you got
a fucking trundle wheel?
Why do we have to do all that?
Why do we have to go through
the woods at all?
Cross that ridge and we'll be about
a mile away,
we can be there in half an hour.
Would you boys allow me to point out
a very simple fucking fact?
Is that OK?
If we head up over that ridge,
we're betraying our position.
We're advertising our whereabouts.
And if that's what you want, if you
want a fucking harpoon in the face,
then by all means, go for your life.
But if you prefer your faces
unharpooned then you stay with me.
You stick with old Chris.
I said I'd get you
out of here and I will.
It's a question of trust.
Jamie and Tamara
have had their baby.
8lbs 4oz.
Not a bad weight.
You've got a fucking phone?
Come off it, it had no signal.
Besides, I can't be the only one.
Where are your phones?
We put them all in a carrier bag...
and then lost them.
Well, that was stupid.
What did you do that for?
One bar.
If that.
That's because we're standing
in an effing ditch.
I'm sick of walking and my nipples
are stinging like shit.
I'm taking this phone up that hill.
It's the quickest way home
and I suggest you all join me.
They're not going anywhere, mate.
Really? Shall we ask them,
shall we?
Mex, buddy, let's do this.
Ian... mate...
I know we've had our banter,
you overheard me saying
you look like Sandi Toksvig.
Uh, I didn't hear you say that.
Oh.
Let's just put it behind us.
Because this makes sense.
Whatever happens,
I'm sticking with Angus, so...
What, Johnners?
Johnny boy? John Travolta?
- Ledge...
- John the Baptist.
...before you get into all
the nicknames...
Jon Bon Jovi?
...this group of mates
has always stuck together.
Whatever's happened,
you know, wherever we've gone.
If we lose that, then...
...we lose everything.
I love you, buddy, but...
we're nearly there, you know,
we've got to stay
as a group on this one.
OK?
Guys, come on.
Oh, bugger!
Can't say I'll be sad to see him go.
Good girl, good girl.
Where'd you learn to do that?
Great Dane taught me.
She'd have died.
I'd have drowned myself in the loch.
No question.
Anyway...
you want to come inside
for a wee dram?
I've got a single malt
that's been waiting...
...25 years for an occasion
such as this.
- I should really get going.
- Oh.
God knows how.
Och...
...here.
Angus...
Angus, I'm not sure about this.
Bad things happen
when we go into the woods.
Ian, relax, we're in safe hands.
I don't think we are in safe hands.
I think we might be in
dangerous hands.
Ian... what are you saying?
OK, look...
whatever was happening yesterday
hasn't been happening
since Christoph showed up.
Where has he been for the past day?
How did he really find us like that?
Why didn't he check his phone for
signal at the hut
or while we were walking?
Or ask us about our phones
before we found his?
And why the hell has he got a knife?
He's got a knife?
Yeah. In his underpants.
Look, I know he's your friend
and everything, but...
you've got to admit,
he's a bit creepy.
He's not creepy, he's just...
...Christoph.
Christoph?
Chris... Christoph?
I'm going back for the others.
And you're coming with me.
In case we get hungry.
Where'd you get that?
Not from a fucking deli.
'How did you and
Christoph meet, again?'
Are you old school friends?
No.
He came along later.
Met him on our gap year.
It was meant to just be the two of
us, AJ and the Legend touring Oz.
Then we met
Crocodile Dumb-dee in Bondi
when we were trying
to score some blow.
Haven't been able
to shake the prick since.
He's like knotweed.
Been trying to cut him
out of stuff for years,
but he just keeps popping up.
No idea what Johnners sees in him.
He even tried to get him
into the Guernsey scheme.
I said, there's no way
that sofa-surfing pleb
has 200K lying around.
Whoo!
Anyway...
for some reason,
the guy just does not like me.
'Well, she's got half a tank of
diesel in her. '
Just keep heading west,
you'll hit the road for Pitlochry.
Come with me.
No.
I built that bothy with my father.
Married Jill here.
Nursed her through
her final few days.
No, I'm not leaving, not a chance.
You don't turn your back
on the important things.
What if the killer comes back?
He'd better hope I'm not in.
Hey, um...
We... were meant to
have one each, but...
Well, it's not going
to happen, so...
What the hell did that sound mean?
It means let's keep moving.
Who's the gamekeeper now?
What the hell?
Mex!
It's OK.
It's OK, come here.
Come on.
'What did you do?'
The man had an ashtray
in the middle of his kitchen table.
When you boys told me he was running
around killing everyone,
I left the gas on.
You know what they say -
smoking kills!
- Jesus, Christoph.
- You murdered him.
He's the murderer, mate.
I'm just the judge and executioner.
And you boys, well...
- you're the jury.
- We weren't unanimous!
Some of us think...
...some of us think
the killer might still be around.
The forest ends just there.
300 yards beyond that line...
that's the phone box.
That's your call home.
You boys could be back at work
first thing Monday morning.
Foreign investors'
lunch at Mirabelle.
- Mm-hm. - Testing Year 9s
on the mountains and rivers.
All we've got to do now is
sit tight and wait for nightfall.
- What?
- Eh?
Set up camp.
Lie low. Refuel.
Shall we do that...
...after the phone call?
The phone box is in open ground.
It's a sniper's wet dream.
In fact, you'd be hard-pressed
to find a better spot for an ambush.
If you're saying that the killer
might still be at large
and that you made a dreadful mistake
by pointing your finger
at the poor gamekeeper
then we've got no choice
but to wait for darkness.
Darkness is our only friend.
You...
dig a hole for a fire.
And you...
collect wood.
What will you be doing?
I'm going to peel me a fox.
I can't believe we climbed up here.
It's pretty steep.
We won't be going down.
This is the end for me.
I'm going to die alone.
We're all in the same boat, Ledge.
No, we're bloody not.
Everyone else has a reason to run.
Johnners has that
Fran chick on the go.
Cosmo's busy ballsing up something
he actually wants
to do with his life.
Christoph's on permanent half-term.
As for the others...
at least they left a legacy.
I mean, even Wendy...
OK, so he had zero property
to his name,
but at least he had a family.
The point is...
...you and me, mate...
...we're single...
...we've wasted our
best years in the City.
Whether we're together or not...
we're dying solo.
May I?
You've achieved stuff.
Senior risk analyst
for Europe at 29?
You've always had
the latest Audi TT.
And what about that Emma girl,
what's happening there?
She's pregnant.
Well, that's...
good...
isn't it?
If you love her.
It's not mine.
Oh, she did a test?
She didn't need to.
She should have a test.
Put it this way, buddy...
...I'm not exactly going
to be having kids of my own.
Well, buddy...
...for a somewhat different reason,
I probably won't, either.
You're...?
Ledge...
...I want you to stop
calling me the Mexican.
From now on, I'd like
you to address me as...
...Hitesh.
You can't just make up
your own nickname, mate.
That's not how it works.
Do you want me to dig
you a grave, too?
Or shall we just spoon?
Look, here's what I don't get.
If you were so worried about...
then... why didn't
you go with Ledge?
Because I made a promise.
To my sister.
I said that I'd stay with you.
Take care of you, have your back.
OK...
While we're making promises,
how about this?
Next time his guard's down,
I'll get his knife,
you cover me with that...
Not bad.
- You'll need some paper, start the fire...
- Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now, steady on.
That's illegal.
Burn it.
That stuff's worth nothing out here.
This land...
this situation...
it's one great leveller.
It's every fucker for himself.
Oh, save a note each,
to snort through.
You boys are playing catch-up!
Might want to get some camo on.
What did you give him?
I don't know.
Guy at Glasgow station
just called it a pick 'n' mix.
He's better off asleep anyway.
They all are.
These people are worthless, Ian.
They call themselves friends,
take you for a pint
at the King's Road,
promise to cut you in
on their deals...
their investments.
"Oh, yeah, we'll sort
you out, mate, yeah.
"Chat to Wendy,
he'll run the numbers. "
It's the old school network, mate.
It's who you know.
Turns out the people I know...
people I took to be my mates,
are nothing but disrespectful,
disloyal,
self-serving, materialistic cocks.
If that's how you feel then...
why come?
To end it.
To bow out in style.
One last weekend of carnage.
'Maybe I could move
here and raise goats. '
- Oh, God.
- No, I'm serious.
Like my grandad did
in the mountains of Gujarat.
- Herding's in the blood.
- Mex!
What do we do? Wave or hide?
I mean, that's
the gamekeeper, right?
Look, there's a tree
near the bottom.
We run, we keep running,
we go either side of that tree,
we break each other's fall.
- You understand?
- Yes, mate.
- And you're up for it?
- No, mate.
Don't let me stop you.
No, I can't!
It doesn't work unless
we both do it.
That's how we get out of this!
OK?
Three...
two...
one...
'It's your turn. '
No. It's...
I'm fine. Thank you, though.
It's your turn.
- I don't mean to sound ungrateful...
- Then take one.
No.
- Take one.
- Don't want to.
It's a stag do.
Take a pill, then we're
going to do some Charlie,
then we're going to eat that fox.
There you go, mate. There you are.
- There you are.
- Ahh!
There you go. Eh?
Feels better?
What will happen now?
I don't know. It's a pick 'n' mix!
Hold on.
Where are the others?
Cosmo! You selfish shit.
It's great to see you.
The rest?
They went with Christoph.
Christoph's here?
He showed up in a taxi.
It's not cooked.
Sly bastard's still pink.
Come on, Angus.
Wakey-wakey!
You're missing the adventure.
We're still out in the woods,
just killing shit for a laugh!
I mean, that's what
you're into, isn't it? Eh?
Putting innocent creatures
through unnecessary pain?
"Oh, yeah, Christoph's
all right, yeah.
"No, Christoph's good for a crack,
we'll hang out with him for sure.
"But when he actually comes
all the way to London,
"we'll just drop him like a sack of shit. "
- Urgh!
Just chill out,
Christoph, deep breaths,
don't let him mess
with your melon...
Get off me, you little penguin man!
Oh, yeah?
Come on, then.
I'll give you one thing...
At least you didn't try and
stab me in the back
like the rest of those bastards.
No, Angus! Johnners, stop!
Stop! Don't kill him!
Don't kill him.
What are we going to do with him?
You've made a disgusting mistake.
I've done nothing to either of you.
I barely even know you.
And, Johnners, mate,
you're making a fool of yourself.
For Christ's sake, a fool!
Yeah, OK, I'm sorry.
I get a bit intense on the pingers,
I know that!
You proved your point.
Hey, boys...
Ha-ha, very funny, yeah,
"It's a stag do,
let's bury the Aussie. "
One of us should stay here.
Keep lookout.
Good idea.
I'll go.
Are you sure?
I said I'd look after you, didn't I?
Besides, you know...
...nothing's happened all day,
Christoph's in the ground...
gamekeeper's out of the picture.
Can't we drive any closer?
I'm not sure we should.
We don't even know if it works.
Might be safer if one of us
goes on foot.
Good idea. Off you go.
- Why me?
- Are you scared?
No. I just want to know
why I have to be the one to go.
Well... you're closer.
- Now you definitely have to go.
- What? I mean... Look, I don't mind...
- Great.
- I'm not even the best runner.
Mex, mate, stop banging on,
you're going to miss it. Go on.
He needs to go back.
- He's almost there, mate.
- We have to make him go back.
Look, pylons.
So?
They're not there.
- Not where?
- Here, on the map!
They should be marked.
The only thing on here is
the phone box. It's as if...
...as if it's the only place
we're supposed to go.
Cosmo!
Cosmo, go back!
Cosmo! Cosmo, go back!
They're still alive!
Yeah, but where's Christoph?
Hello?
Why did he put money in?
999 is free, what part of that
don't you people understand?
He's doing it.
He's calling.
'Good afternoon,
Duncan Galloway's office. '
Hello, Georgie? It's Cosmo.
'My God, he's been trying
to reach you since Thursday.
'Let me put you through. '
No! No, no, no. I...
'Cosmo, you clown, where you been?
- 'I've been e-mailing, I've
been calling... ' - Duncan...
'Listen, ITV2 want to
commission a series!'
Duncan, I don't care.
- I need you to do something...
- 'Don't care? It's insane news!
'How To Look Good Homeless.
'Caroline Flack's already
on board... '
- Duncan!
- '.. really excited, mate. '
Just shut up...
and write this down.
Simon Aitken, Paul Wendy
and Neils Gjundarsson
- have all been murdered...
- 'Is this on Netflix?'
...but Angus Johnson,
Harry Ledgewood-Scott,
Hitesh Palashranjan and...
...some guy called Ian
are all still very much alive.
'What the hell was that?
'This line is terrible, mate.
'What was the last name, Ian who?
'Cosmo! Ian who?'
I didn't catch his surname.
I think he might be repped
by that dwarf agency!
'Oh, yeah, I know the one. '
Could you call 999?
'OK... But where are you?'
We're in Scotland.
Not far from some green trees.
'Cosmo?'
Oh, God!
There!
Over there!
OK, slow down, slow down, slow down!
Here they come.
Run!
Go!
Where's Christoph?
He's in the trees, shooting at us,
where do you think he is?
Er, no, he-he isn't.
He might be!
- He's not.
- Guys...
where... is... Christoph?
Hitesh, turn the car around.
Hitesh, turn it around!
- Mexico!
- What?
- Listen...
- Ow!
...Cosmo came back for us.
We owe it to Cosmo
to go back for Christoph.
- Yes? -
Yes. - Yes.
- What's that?
- What?
- Keep going, Mexico, mate.
- Mexico, yeah.
Put your foot down.
Who the fuck is that?
I don't know.
Not too fast.
- Not too bloody slow, either.
- We don't want to hit him.
Hey!
Hey, over here!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, what the fuck?!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Guys, what are you doing?
What are you...?
Guys, there's no time!
What are you...?
Guys, stop! Stop!
Johnners, mate.
You take this as my formal
RSVP to your wedding.
Christoph, don't do this, mate.
I never actually got the invite.
Perhaps you sent it to my Hotmail...
Perhaps you didn't, but either way,
I'll not be attending.
I hope you have a beautiful day.
Christoph,
we're not leaving you, OK?
- Not again.
- I've seen the world, boys.
I've done it all, I'm through.
You've all got your jobs
and your mortgages
and your cars to worry about.
I'm an expendable.
I'm a pawn.
And you're fucking kings.
It's checkmate for old Chris.
But you boys can play on.
I said I'd get you out
of here and I will.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Ian!
- Ian, what the hell?!
- What are you doing?
Topping up your camouflage.
Yeah, I'd rather you didn't, mate.
I'm pretty sure that's deer shit.
Ian, come on!
Go! Go!
Hide, mate. Hide. Go.
Well, come on, then.
Let's do this.
Oh! Ah, you're dreaming!
What are you doing here?
I haven't seen you since...
When was it, Chiggy's wedding?
Right.
That's confiscated.
'Your future brother-in-law. '
I'm here for the stag.
'For 2K all-in, we're guaranteed
a weekend's worth of pure man shit,
'my friends. '
River says no.
There'll be no hunting this weekend.
- Now, hang on, matey.
- What are we paying you for?
To the kill! The kill.
Aitken?
Argh!
Shit!
Whoever finds him shouts to
the other one, we meet back here.
Wendy.
Oh, God.
If only Christoph was here,
he'd know what to do.
He's not here, is he?
'I'm as broke as it comes.
The others, '
they talked me into sinking
all my cash
into some stupid offshore scheme
in Guernsey.
Come on, Neils!
Run!
I'm going to enjoy this.
What the bloody hell's that?
And by five o'clock
Everything's dead...
Hey!
What the bloody hell
are you playing at?
Get off the track -
you want to get yourself killed?
...Sleep in their beds
Like the doped white mice
in the college lab...
I'm going to ask you one question.
And you're going to give me
a straight answer.
What have you done...
with Katie?
Who?
My bitch.
My dog!
I don't know, I mean, we couldn't
care less about your dog.
I mean, I...
We like her,
but we don't know where she is,
currently.
Do we, guys? No.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
- What have you done with my dog?
- OK, now, listen... matey.
Killing any more of us,
I mean, it's not going to
prove anything, is it?
I think you've made your point.
Oh, we all know what's going on
here, don't we?
I mean, these guys work in banks.
I mean, they earn more in an hour
than you do in an entire year.
But they pay less tax!
And you resent them for it.
And they get that.
We know where you're coming from.
But enough now.
Seriously.
Having said that...
...if there genuinely
is no changing your mind,
could I just point out that I,
myself...
...do not work in the City.
Um, I'm a television executive.
One of the good guys.
A grafter.
Fill it.
Right, here's what's
going to happen next.
I'm going to take my Land Rover
and I'm going to find my dog.
Then I'm going to come back here
and take care of you.
The cap's a bit loose, be careful.
Right, fuck this
for a game of conkers, I'm off.
He just told us not to go anywhere.
Exactly.
And trust me, the second
that tartan psycho finds his pooch,
he'll be back to butcher us all.
If he was going to kill us,
he would have done it just then.
The man has Aitken
hanging up in his kitchen.
I mean, think about it - who else
has Ledge pissed off
since we've been here?
I mean, who else owns a harpoon?
Let the twat go, that's what I say.
"I'm just a TV exec.
Kill them, not me. "
Last chance.
Fine.
Your funerals.
Wait, Cosmo!
You can't just leave.
Not like this.
If you're right
and he's the killer, then...
we're dead.
If you're wrong, you are.
You've known these guys for years.
You can't just not say goodbye.
Your cummerbund's upside down.
You might want to get inside.
Yeah.
There.
Oh, what the hell.
Shit!
I'm not sure we should,
to be honest.
That looks like an expensive bottle.
We don't want to piss him off.
I think that ship might have sailed.
To Aitken.
To Wendy.
To Neils.
To Cosmo.
Well, it's pretty likely.
Yes?
Nothing, it's just... I just noticed
that you didn't put
your little finger up.
- I'm sorry?
- Your pinkie.
- It wasn't perky.
- He's right, you know.
So, that's a forfeit.
Trousers down...
drink what's left!
What, all of it?
- "Finish", it says here.
- If it flows, it goes.
Fine.
Maybe Fatty lost his nerve.
Maybe Grumpy found his dog.
Maybe it's the Fear Mor?
Positions!
This is my space! Go!
- Mex!
- Aaiii!
G'day, boys!
Argh! Christ!
Ian!
Christoph, are you OK?
Christoph?
What the actual fuck?
It's a fork.
Hnnn! Still got it. Ahh!
Yeah, still got it.
'I'm so sorry about your arm. '
How did you know we were here?
That is a very good question, Mex.
That is very pertinent indeed.
I sent you the e-mails.
- Hm, did you?
- Yes.
- Did you?
- Yes.
Did you?
I thought I did.
But did you?
Or did you just try and cut me out,
like you normally do, by sending
them to my Hotmail account?
The one you know
I haven't looked at since 2002.
You don't look at
your Hotmail account?
Well, you know, whatever.
It's fantastic you found us, buddy.
How did you find us, by the way?
It wasn't easy.
I had to get a cab
all the way from Glasgow, didn't I?
The cab driver was in a foul mood
the whole way,
because A, he's Scottish...
...and B, he'd only just got back
from dropping off some ponce
in a dinner jacket.
I'm so sorry about your arm.
Yeah, you said.
Taxi!
Taxi!
Wait, please, driver.
Yep.
Fulham Palace Road, please, mate.
You, er...
might want to reset that.
I've only just got in.
Friend.
Hey.
Hey!
Oh, God.
Eurgh! Oh, God.
Fuck!
Nothing happens at all
The needle returns
to the start of the song
And we all sing along
right before...
Oh, come on!
Really? Really?
Closed-circuit cameras
in department stores
Shoot the same movie every day
And the stars of these films
neither die...
So tell me a bit more
about this bloke.
This gamekeeper.
- Saying he's got a harpoon?
- And a shotgun. -And a crossbow.
And we've got to assume he's got
a rifle. The man's a huntsman.
So he'll have binos, he'll be
carrying a blade,
that's an absolute given.
He's got a Land Rover.
He's in a ute.
And he's got beef.
Significant beef with you lot.
He's bound to.
So the killer is armed, dangerous
and he's specifically told you
he's coming back here
to take care of you.
Do you want to fill me in,
if it's not too much trouble,
on the thought process behind
actually waiting for him
to get back here?
Continue for 16.4 miles
and bear right onto the...
Yeah, all right, mate.
Keep it down.
Turn around where possible.
Turn around where possible.
Turn around where possible.
'OK, we plunder
this joint for anything useful. '
I'm talking about waterproof
clothing, fresh socks, food, fluids.
I cannot overemphasise
the need to have dry feet
and hydration in terrain
such as this.
Why are you talking like
you're in charge all of a sudden?
I'm best man here, mate.
I didn't want to have to be
the one to say this, Ledge, but...
you left me no choice.
You've led our friends
into harm's way.
No-one's going to think
any less of you if you just...
do the decent thing and step aside.
It's what everyone's thinking.
If you've got cage fighting gloves,
now would be a good time
to put 'em on.
We leave here at sunrise.
That's in less than an hour.
Dick.
Hands in the air.
I can't.
Now.
I can't.
Brave girl.
First-come, first-served. Go on.
Hey!
What's that in there?
Ordnance Survey.
1:25,000 scale, it's like the Bible.
Geography teacher.
There.
That's a phone box.
That's a public ruddy phone box.
Boys... it's time.
Come on, boys. Let's do it.
The secret to covering territory
is a steady rhythm.
Your boot heels should be striking
the ground twice a second,
every second. Win the land.
Did he just say, "Win the land"?
I feel so much safer
now Christoph's in charge.
I don't know what the hell
this shirt thinks it's made of.
Bastard's at least 60% evil.
All right, boys, we're four miles
shy of the phone box.
Not too shabby. Have we got some
shrapnel for when we get there?
999 is free...
you Neanderthal.
What if they don't pick up? Eh?
What then, best man?
What if who doesn't pick up?
It's not one guy sitting there,
on his own.
999 isn't his extension.
Is that your angry face?
Are you angry at me?
Or angry at yourself because
you can't think of a comeback?
Whoa, guys, stop!
We stick together, right?
We get to the phone box together
and then no-one has to talk
to anyone else ever again.
Animal.
Her wee bottle's in my jacket there.
She can wee in a bottle?
Um... Listen...
I just wanted to say...
I am so sorry that I thought
you were responsible for all this.
Whoever that's doing it
certainly wants it to look that way.
No, we should have listened to you
from the get-go.
Stayed on the other side
of the bloody river.
Well, if you'd have done that,
you'd never have found her.
What do you think hurt her?
The Fear Mor.
No, I'm only kidding!
She probably caught herself
in one of my snares.
These woods...
...they're full of traps.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
How much further?
Going to cross that gully, over that
scrub and down into those woods...
All-in, we're looking
at about four miles.
Four miles?
You said that about five miles ago.
What, you got
a fucking trundle wheel?
Why do we have to do all that?
Why do we have to go through
the woods at all?
Cross that ridge and we'll be about
a mile away,
we can be there in half an hour.
Would you boys allow me to point out
a very simple fucking fact?
Is that OK?
If we head up over that ridge,
we're betraying our position.
We're advertising our whereabouts.
And if that's what you want, if you
want a fucking harpoon in the face,
then by all means, go for your life.
But if you prefer your faces
unharpooned then you stay with me.
You stick with old Chris.
I said I'd get you
out of here and I will.
It's a question of trust.
Jamie and Tamara
have had their baby.
8lbs 4oz.
Not a bad weight.
You've got a fucking phone?
Come off it, it had no signal.
Besides, I can't be the only one.
Where are your phones?
We put them all in a carrier bag...
and then lost them.
Well, that was stupid.
What did you do that for?
One bar.
If that.
That's because we're standing
in an effing ditch.
I'm sick of walking and my nipples
are stinging like shit.
I'm taking this phone up that hill.
It's the quickest way home
and I suggest you all join me.
They're not going anywhere, mate.
Really? Shall we ask them,
shall we?
Mex, buddy, let's do this.
Ian... mate...
I know we've had our banter,
you overheard me saying
you look like Sandi Toksvig.
Uh, I didn't hear you say that.
Oh.
Let's just put it behind us.
Because this makes sense.
Whatever happens,
I'm sticking with Angus, so...
What, Johnners?
Johnny boy? John Travolta?
- Ledge...
- John the Baptist.
...before you get into all
the nicknames...
Jon Bon Jovi?
...this group of mates
has always stuck together.
Whatever's happened,
you know, wherever we've gone.
If we lose that, then...
...we lose everything.
I love you, buddy, but...
we're nearly there, you know,
we've got to stay
as a group on this one.
OK?
Guys, come on.
Oh, bugger!
Can't say I'll be sad to see him go.
Good girl, good girl.
Where'd you learn to do that?
Great Dane taught me.
She'd have died.
I'd have drowned myself in the loch.
No question.
Anyway...
you want to come inside
for a wee dram?
I've got a single malt
that's been waiting...
...25 years for an occasion
such as this.
- I should really get going.
- Oh.
God knows how.
Och...
...here.
Angus...
Angus, I'm not sure about this.
Bad things happen
when we go into the woods.
Ian, relax, we're in safe hands.
I don't think we are in safe hands.
I think we might be in
dangerous hands.
Ian... what are you saying?
OK, look...
whatever was happening yesterday
hasn't been happening
since Christoph showed up.
Where has he been for the past day?
How did he really find us like that?
Why didn't he check his phone for
signal at the hut
or while we were walking?
Or ask us about our phones
before we found his?
And why the hell has he got a knife?
He's got a knife?
Yeah. In his underpants.
Look, I know he's your friend
and everything, but...
you've got to admit,
he's a bit creepy.
He's not creepy, he's just...
...Christoph.
Christoph?
Chris... Christoph?
I'm going back for the others.
And you're coming with me.
In case we get hungry.
Where'd you get that?
Not from a fucking deli.
'How did you and
Christoph meet, again?'
Are you old school friends?
No.
He came along later.
Met him on our gap year.
It was meant to just be the two of
us, AJ and the Legend touring Oz.
Then we met
Crocodile Dumb-dee in Bondi
when we were trying
to score some blow.
Haven't been able
to shake the prick since.
He's like knotweed.
Been trying to cut him
out of stuff for years,
but he just keeps popping up.
No idea what Johnners sees in him.
He even tried to get him
into the Guernsey scheme.
I said, there's no way
that sofa-surfing pleb
has 200K lying around.
Whoo!
Anyway...
for some reason,
the guy just does not like me.
'Well, she's got half a tank of
diesel in her. '
Just keep heading west,
you'll hit the road for Pitlochry.
Come with me.
No.
I built that bothy with my father.
Married Jill here.
Nursed her through
her final few days.
No, I'm not leaving, not a chance.
You don't turn your back
on the important things.
What if the killer comes back?
He'd better hope I'm not in.
Hey, um...
We... were meant to
have one each, but...
Well, it's not going
to happen, so...
What the hell did that sound mean?
It means let's keep moving.
Who's the gamekeeper now?
What the hell?
Mex!
It's OK.
It's OK, come here.
Come on.
'What did you do?'
The man had an ashtray
in the middle of his kitchen table.
When you boys told me he was running
around killing everyone,
I left the gas on.
You know what they say -
smoking kills!
- Jesus, Christoph.
- You murdered him.
He's the murderer, mate.
I'm just the judge and executioner.
And you boys, well...
- you're the jury.
- We weren't unanimous!
Some of us think...
...some of us think
the killer might still be around.
The forest ends just there.
300 yards beyond that line...
that's the phone box.
That's your call home.
You boys could be back at work
first thing Monday morning.
Foreign investors'
lunch at Mirabelle.
- Mm-hm. - Testing Year 9s
on the mountains and rivers.
All we've got to do now is
sit tight and wait for nightfall.
- What?
- Eh?
Set up camp.
Lie low. Refuel.
Shall we do that...
...after the phone call?
The phone box is in open ground.
It's a sniper's wet dream.
In fact, you'd be hard-pressed
to find a better spot for an ambush.
If you're saying that the killer
might still be at large
and that you made a dreadful mistake
by pointing your finger
at the poor gamekeeper
then we've got no choice
but to wait for darkness.
Darkness is our only friend.
You...
dig a hole for a fire.
And you...
collect wood.
What will you be doing?
I'm going to peel me a fox.
I can't believe we climbed up here.
It's pretty steep.
We won't be going down.
This is the end for me.
I'm going to die alone.
We're all in the same boat, Ledge.
No, we're bloody not.
Everyone else has a reason to run.
Johnners has that
Fran chick on the go.
Cosmo's busy ballsing up something
he actually wants
to do with his life.
Christoph's on permanent half-term.
As for the others...
at least they left a legacy.
I mean, even Wendy...
OK, so he had zero property
to his name,
but at least he had a family.
The point is...
...you and me, mate...
...we're single...
...we've wasted our
best years in the City.
Whether we're together or not...
we're dying solo.
May I?
You've achieved stuff.
Senior risk analyst
for Europe at 29?
You've always had
the latest Audi TT.
And what about that Emma girl,
what's happening there?
She's pregnant.
Well, that's...
good...
isn't it?
If you love her.
It's not mine.
Oh, she did a test?
She didn't need to.
She should have a test.
Put it this way, buddy...
...I'm not exactly going
to be having kids of my own.
Well, buddy...
...for a somewhat different reason,
I probably won't, either.
You're...?
Ledge...
...I want you to stop
calling me the Mexican.
From now on, I'd like
you to address me as...
...Hitesh.
You can't just make up
your own nickname, mate.
That's not how it works.
Do you want me to dig
you a grave, too?
Or shall we just spoon?
Look, here's what I don't get.
If you were so worried about...
then... why didn't
you go with Ledge?
Because I made a promise.
To my sister.
I said that I'd stay with you.
Take care of you, have your back.
OK...
While we're making promises,
how about this?
Next time his guard's down,
I'll get his knife,
you cover me with that...
Not bad.
- You'll need some paper, start the fire...
- Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now, steady on.
That's illegal.
Burn it.
That stuff's worth nothing out here.
This land...
this situation...
it's one great leveller.
It's every fucker for himself.
Oh, save a note each,
to snort through.
You boys are playing catch-up!
Might want to get some camo on.
What did you give him?
I don't know.
Guy at Glasgow station
just called it a pick 'n' mix.
He's better off asleep anyway.
They all are.
These people are worthless, Ian.
They call themselves friends,
take you for a pint
at the King's Road,
promise to cut you in
on their deals...
their investments.
"Oh, yeah, we'll sort
you out, mate, yeah.
"Chat to Wendy,
he'll run the numbers. "
It's the old school network, mate.
It's who you know.
Turns out the people I know...
people I took to be my mates,
are nothing but disrespectful,
disloyal,
self-serving, materialistic cocks.
If that's how you feel then...
why come?
To end it.
To bow out in style.
One last weekend of carnage.
'Maybe I could move
here and raise goats. '
- Oh, God.
- No, I'm serious.
Like my grandad did
in the mountains of Gujarat.
- Herding's in the blood.
- Mex!
What do we do? Wave or hide?
I mean, that's
the gamekeeper, right?
Look, there's a tree
near the bottom.
We run, we keep running,
we go either side of that tree,
we break each other's fall.
- You understand?
- Yes, mate.
- And you're up for it?
- No, mate.
Don't let me stop you.
No, I can't!
It doesn't work unless
we both do it.
That's how we get out of this!
OK?
Three...
two...
one...
'It's your turn. '
No. It's...
I'm fine. Thank you, though.
It's your turn.
- I don't mean to sound ungrateful...
- Then take one.
No.
- Take one.
- Don't want to.
It's a stag do.
Take a pill, then we're
going to do some Charlie,
then we're going to eat that fox.
There you go, mate. There you are.
- There you are.
- Ahh!
There you go. Eh?
Feels better?
What will happen now?
I don't know. It's a pick 'n' mix!
Hold on.
Where are the others?
Cosmo! You selfish shit.
It's great to see you.
The rest?
They went with Christoph.
Christoph's here?
He showed up in a taxi.
It's not cooked.
Sly bastard's still pink.
Come on, Angus.
Wakey-wakey!
You're missing the adventure.
We're still out in the woods,
just killing shit for a laugh!
I mean, that's what
you're into, isn't it? Eh?
Putting innocent creatures
through unnecessary pain?
"Oh, yeah, Christoph's
all right, yeah.
"No, Christoph's good for a crack,
we'll hang out with him for sure.
"But when he actually comes
all the way to London,
"we'll just drop him like a sack of shit. "
- Urgh!
Just chill out,
Christoph, deep breaths,
don't let him mess
with your melon...
Get off me, you little penguin man!
Oh, yeah?
Come on, then.
I'll give you one thing...
At least you didn't try and
stab me in the back
like the rest of those bastards.
No, Angus! Johnners, stop!
Stop! Don't kill him!
Don't kill him.
What are we going to do with him?
You've made a disgusting mistake.
I've done nothing to either of you.
I barely even know you.
And, Johnners, mate,
you're making a fool of yourself.
For Christ's sake, a fool!
Yeah, OK, I'm sorry.
I get a bit intense on the pingers,
I know that!
You proved your point.
Hey, boys...
Ha-ha, very funny, yeah,
"It's a stag do,
let's bury the Aussie. "
One of us should stay here.
Keep lookout.
Good idea.
I'll go.
Are you sure?
I said I'd look after you, didn't I?
Besides, you know...
...nothing's happened all day,
Christoph's in the ground...
gamekeeper's out of the picture.
Can't we drive any closer?
I'm not sure we should.
We don't even know if it works.
Might be safer if one of us
goes on foot.
Good idea. Off you go.
- Why me?
- Are you scared?
No. I just want to know
why I have to be the one to go.
Well... you're closer.
- Now you definitely have to go.
- What? I mean... Look, I don't mind...
- Great.
- I'm not even the best runner.
Mex, mate, stop banging on,
you're going to miss it. Go on.
He needs to go back.
- He's almost there, mate.
- We have to make him go back.
Look, pylons.
So?
They're not there.
- Not where?
- Here, on the map!
They should be marked.
The only thing on here is
the phone box. It's as if...
...as if it's the only place
we're supposed to go.
Cosmo!
Cosmo, go back!
Cosmo! Cosmo, go back!
They're still alive!
Yeah, but where's Christoph?
Hello?
Why did he put money in?
999 is free, what part of that
don't you people understand?
He's doing it.
He's calling.
'Good afternoon,
Duncan Galloway's office. '
Hello, Georgie? It's Cosmo.
'My God, he's been trying
to reach you since Thursday.
'Let me put you through. '
No! No, no, no. I...
'Cosmo, you clown, where you been?
- 'I've been e-mailing, I've
been calling... ' - Duncan...
'Listen, ITV2 want to
commission a series!'
Duncan, I don't care.
- I need you to do something...
- 'Don't care? It's insane news!
'How To Look Good Homeless.
'Caroline Flack's already
on board... '
- Duncan!
- '.. really excited, mate. '
Just shut up...
and write this down.
Simon Aitken, Paul Wendy
and Neils Gjundarsson
- have all been murdered...
- 'Is this on Netflix?'
...but Angus Johnson,
Harry Ledgewood-Scott,
Hitesh Palashranjan and...
...some guy called Ian
are all still very much alive.
'What the hell was that?
'This line is terrible, mate.
'What was the last name, Ian who?
'Cosmo! Ian who?'
I didn't catch his surname.
I think he might be repped
by that dwarf agency!
'Oh, yeah, I know the one. '
Could you call 999?
'OK... But where are you?'
We're in Scotland.
Not far from some green trees.
'Cosmo?'
Oh, God!
There!
Over there!
OK, slow down, slow down, slow down!
Here they come.
Run!
Go!
Where's Christoph?
He's in the trees, shooting at us,
where do you think he is?
Er, no, he-he isn't.
He might be!
- He's not.
- Guys...
where... is... Christoph?
Hitesh, turn the car around.
Hitesh, turn it around!
- Mexico!
- What?
- Listen...
- Ow!
...Cosmo came back for us.
We owe it to Cosmo
to go back for Christoph.
- Yes? -
Yes. - Yes.
- What's that?
- What?
- Keep going, Mexico, mate.
- Mexico, yeah.
Put your foot down.
Who the fuck is that?
I don't know.
Not too fast.
- Not too bloody slow, either.
- We don't want to hit him.
Hey!
Hey, over here!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, what the fuck?!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Guys, what are you doing?
What are you...?
Guys, there's no time!
What are you...?
Guys, stop! Stop!
Johnners, mate.
You take this as my formal
RSVP to your wedding.
Christoph, don't do this, mate.
I never actually got the invite.
Perhaps you sent it to my Hotmail...
Perhaps you didn't, but either way,
I'll not be attending.
I hope you have a beautiful day.
Christoph,
we're not leaving you, OK?
- Not again.
- I've seen the world, boys.
I've done it all, I'm through.
You've all got your jobs
and your mortgages
and your cars to worry about.
I'm an expendable.
I'm a pawn.
And you're fucking kings.
It's checkmate for old Chris.
But you boys can play on.
I said I'd get you out
of here and I will.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Ian!
- Ian, what the hell?!
- What are you doing?
Topping up your camouflage.
Yeah, I'd rather you didn't, mate.
I'm pretty sure that's deer shit.
Ian, come on!
Go! Go!
Hide, mate. Hide. Go.
Well, come on, then.
Let's do this.
Oh! Ah, you're dreaming!
What are you doing here?
I haven't seen you since...
When was it, Chiggy's wedding?
Right.
That's confiscated.