St. Elsewhere (1982–1988): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Count - full transcript

- TONIGHT ON ST. ELSEWHERE.
- THAT'S VERY GOOD. YOU SEEM
TO BE AN OLD HAND AT THIS.

I HEAR YOU PUT IN A PACEMAKER
TODAY WITH YOUR OWN TWO HANDS.

HE DID NOT NEED THAT PACEMAKER.

WELL, I WOULD THINK LONG
AND HARD, YOUNG LADY,

BEFORE I STARTED TOSSING
AROUND SUCH SERIOUS ACCUSATIONS.

- YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO THIS GUY IS?
- HAROLD HUBNER.

[Chuckles] THIS IS A
WORLD-CLASS EROTIC FILM STAR.

SEX HAS NEVER BEEN
PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I THINK WHAT YOU DO IS IMMORAL.

WHERE'S THE LAUNDRY
TICKET? WHAT LAUNDRY TICKET?

THIRTY-SIX HOURS ON CALL,
SOME OF US LIKE TO GO HOME,



HAVE A NICE SHOWER AND
PUT ON SOME CLEAN CLOTHES.

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GONNA WITHHOLD SEXUAL
FAVORS FROM ME AGAIN TONIGHT, VICTOR?

YOU WANT YOUR SHIRT?
HERE'S YOUR SHIRT! YES.

DON'T YOU DARE RIP THAT!
DON'T YOU RIP THAT! THERE IT IS!

THERE ARE ONLY TWO
REASONS WHY A SURGEON WOULD

NEEDLESSLY OPERATE ON
ANOTHER HUMAN BEING...

BECAUSE HE'S
CRAZY OR HE'S BROKE.

DR. ANDREWS IS A
VERY SUCCESSFUL...

AND WEALTHY SURGEON.

WHY WOULD HE DO
A THING LIKE THAT?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA EVEN BOTHER TO
FIND OUT IF WHAT I'M SAYING IS TRUE.

GET OUT OF MY HOSPITAL.

[Woman On P.A.]
DR. McKAY TO O.R.

DR. McKAY TO O.R.



[Weeping]

LONG DAY, HUH?

OH, YEAH. LONG MONTH.

HEAR FROM NANCY PAXTON?

NOPE.

WELL, IT TAKES A
WHILE TO GET SETTLED.

YEAH, I GUESS.

MAIL'S A LITTLE SLOW
FROM CLEVELAND.

SO, WHAT'D YOU DO TO
DRIVE HER AWAY THIS TIME?

THAT WAS A LOW BLOW. I'M SORRY.

HANG IN THERE. YEAH.

[Woman On P.A.] MISS KING TO ADMITTING.
MISS MAGGIE KING TO ADMITTING.

HAROLD HUBNER? YES.

I'M DR. CAVANERO.
HOW'RE YOU FEELING?

WICKED. YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST
DOCTOR I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT SAYS HERE YOU HAVE A DUODENAL
ULCER. HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD ONE?

SINCE I WAS 15. AND YOU'RE IN
FOR YOUR SIX-MONTH TUNE-UP?

HMM. I WILL BE OUT OF HERE BY TOMORROW
NIGHT, CORRECT? I WOULD THINK SO.

ANY CHANCE I COULD
GET OUT A LITTLE EARLIER?

I HAVE A RATHER
PRESSING ENGAGEMENT.

CATCHING THE CONCORDE BACK HOME?

THE MASSACHUSETTS TURNPIKE. I
HAVEN'T LIVED IN ENGLAND FOR 10 YEARS.

ARE YOU MARRIED, MR. HUBNER?

CONFIRMED BACHELOR. USED TO
BE QUITE RESPECTABLE, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOUR PARENTS LIVING?
MY MOTHER... IN ENGLAND.

ANY BROTHERS OR
SISTERS? JUST ME AND MUM.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

I'M SORT OF IN TRANSIT
AT THE MOMENT,

BUT I WILL BE LIVING IN
WEST DORSET, VERMONT.

AND YOUR PROFESSION?
I DEAL IN RARE BOOKS.

MMM. MOBY-DICK.
WHALE OF A STORY.

WELL, MR. HUBNER, HAVE
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

WE'LL GET YOU STARTED ON THE UPPER G.I.
SERIES BRIGHT AND EARLY TOMORROW MORNING.

I AWAIT YOUR CALL WITH
GREAT ANTICIPATION.

GOOD NIGHT, MR. HUBNER.
HAROLD, PLEASE.

GOOD NIGHT.

LARRY! MARK.

CAUGHT YOUR ARTICLE ON
CARDIOMYOPATHIES IN THIS WEEK'S JOURNAL.

WHAT'D YOU THINK?
NOT BAD, NOT BAD.

WELL RESEARCHED, THOROUGH.

NOT EXACTLY HEMINGWAY,
BUT, UH... NO OFFENSE INTENDED...

GOTTA GET 'EM TO
TURN THE PAGE, LARRY.

A LITTLE DRY, YOU
THINK? AS A BONE.

STRUNK AND, UH, WHITE,
ELEMENTS OF STYLE.

YOU OUGHTA READ THAT.

I NOTICED THAT EHRLICH ASSISTED
IN THE OPEN-HEART ON MONDAY.

DID HE CUT THE
MUSTARD? VERY WELL.

AND BRUMMER? STILL SHAKING?
TREMORS OF INTENTION.

NO PROBLEM. WHAT
ABOUT DR. ARMSTRONG?

WHO? WENDY ARMSTRONG,
THE LITTLE ORIENTAL.

AH. SHE SEEMS VERY
CAPABLE. I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

SHE HAS A VERY GOOD ATTITUDE, AND...
THANK GOD... SHE CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.

TOO MUCH TENNIS?

NO, I'VE BEEN SHOVELING
SNOW OFF MY DAMN DRIVEWAY.

THAT HOUSE IS GETTING
TOO MUCH FOR ME.

MY HOUSE IS ON THE MARKET, IF
YOU'RE INTERESTED. I DON'T THINK SO.

SHORT DRIVEWAY.

IT'S A LITTLE TOO MODERN FOR MY
TASTE, THOUGH MY WIFE IS CRAZY ABOUT IT.

THIS IS MY REALTOR, IN
CASE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

OH, ALL RIGHT, LARRY.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE WAY YOU WORK,
THE WAY YOU MOVE, AND I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

YOU'RE EFFICIENT, YOU TAKE DIRECTION WELL
AND I LIKE THE EXTRA STARCH IN THE COLLAR.

SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOU WOULD
COME OVER TO MY PLACE SOMETIME,

AND WE COULD PLAY
SWEDISH MAID AND THE INVALID.

NO SPANKING. FISCUS.

LATER, EHRLICH. ONE OTHER
THING... ANY COMMUNICABLE DISEASES?

WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE?

EHRLICH, I AM THIS FAR AWAY FROM
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THAT BROODMARE.

WHERE'S THE LAUNDRY TICKET?

THE WOMAN IS FROM TEXAS.
SHE'S BROKEN IN BRONCOS.

I-I CAN'T LET MYSELF
GET TOO CRAZY.

WHERE IS THE LAUNDRY
TICKET? WHAT LAUNDRY TICKET?

YOU FORGOT TO BRING
IT IN AGAIN, DIDN'T YA?

TEMPORARY AS IT WAS INTENDED,
YOU'RE STAYING AT MY PLACE. THE LAUNDRY.

AND THIS IS THE THIRD TIME IN TWO
WEEKS I'VE ASKED YOU TO BRING IT IN.

IT'S THE THIRD TIME ALSO YOU
HAVEN'T DONE IT. LAUNDRY. I'M SORRY.

THIRTY-SIX HOURS ON CALL,
SOME OF US LIKE TO GO HOME,

HAVE A NICE SHOWER AND
PUT ON CLEAN CLOTHES.

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GONNA WITHHOLD SEXUAL
FAVORS FROM ME AGAIN TONIGHT, VICTOR?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY. ONE
SECOND, MAN. HEY, VICTOR.

LISTEN, THREE WEEKS AGO YOU
WERE EVICTED, OUT ON THE STREET.

AND I TOOK YOU IN OUT OF THE GOODNESS
OF MY HEART. HOW HAVE YOU REPAID ME?

YOU USE ME, YOU
EXPLOIT ME. OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OKAY. HERE.

HERE'S A COUPLE OF BUCKS. GO OUT
AND GET YOURSELF SOME UNDERWEAR.

NO, THIS IS NOTHING. YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO DIG A LOT DEEPER THAN THAT.

BE SPECIFIC. I'LL BE
VERY SPECIFIC, OKAY?

WE HAVE $20 FOR FOOD YOU OWE ME.

YOU OWE ME 13.50 FOR A
LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALL TO TORONTO.

YOU OWE ME 8.98 FOR MY SIDNEY RUBINSON
RECORD, WHICH YOU TOTALLY TRASHED,

NOT TO MENTION THE NEEDLE.

YOU OWE ME 17.50
FOR A RED PAISLEY TIE...

MY SHIRT. YOU'RE
WEARING MY HA... MY SHIRT!

YEAH. YOU MIND?

WHY SHOULD I MIND YOU'RE
WEARING MY HAWAIIAN

SHIRT, MY FAVORITE
POSSESSION IN THE WORLD?

I FOUND IT HANGING IN
THE CLOSET. IN MY CLOSET.

I'M SORRY, VICTOR. I DIDN'T
HAPPEN TO HAVE A CLEAN SHIRT.

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU DIDN'T
HAPPEN TO HAVE A CLEAN SHIRT? WHY?

BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO BRING IN
THE LAUNDRY! BRING IN THE LAUNDRY!

BRING IN THE LAUNDRY!
BRING IN THE LAUNDRY!

EXCUSE ME. I'M LOOKING
FOR A HAL BEAUMONT.

DOCTOR? PATIENT.

I GOT A SUMMONS TO SERVE.
CHECK WITH ADMITTING.

I DID.

UH, TRY NURSE
ROSENTHAL RIGHT THERE.

HOW'S IT GOING,
FISCUS? ROOMMATES.

I'VE BEEN WITH EHRLICH THREE WEEKS.
I'M THINKING OF GETTING AN ANNULMENT.

IT'S LIKE LIVING
WITH FELIX UNGER.

HOW WAS THE, UH,
LECTURE AT B.U.?

GOT POSTPONED UNTIL FRIDAY.

NOT ONLY WAS I LOOKING
FORWARD TO LOOKING AT

NUBILE READY-TO-PLEASE
FEMALE MED STUDENTS,

BUT I WAS ACTUALLY
FULLY PREPARED FOR IT.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHO'S FELIX UNGER?

[Knocking] YEAH?

DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?
SURE. FINE. WHAT'S UP?

MR. BRICKER, THIS IS
DR. WESTPHALL. MR. BRICKER.

MR. BRICKER IS HERE TO
SERVE A SUMMONS. TO WHOM?

HAL BEAUMONT, ALSO
KNOWN AS THE COUNT,

ALSO KNOWN AS THE
COUNT LUIS OBISPO.

[Chuckles] WHAT'S HE WANTED
FOR? BREACH OF CONTRACT.

[Rosenthal] HE'S A MOVIE
STAR. I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

BLUE MOVIES.

UH-HUH.

WELL, UH, MR. BRICKER, WHAT
MAKES YOU THINK HE'S HERE?

HE'S GOT AN ULCER.

MY SOURCES SAY HE CHECKED
HIMSELF IN HERE YESTERDAY.

THERE IS NOBODY HERE UNDER THE
NAME OF BEAUMONT OR THE COUNT.

YEAH? WELL, 25 YEARS IN THIS
BUSINESS TELLS ME HE'S HERE,

AND I'M NOT GETTING
THE KIND OF COOPERATION

WE, THE PEOPLE, EXPECT
FROM AN INSTITUTION.

WELL, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

- WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE ME TO DO?
- FIND HIM.

OR LET ME FIND HIM.
BELIEVE ME, I WILL.

ROOM BY ROOM.

WELL, I SUPPOSE IF...

IF YOU DON'T BOTHER ANY OF THE OTHER
PATIENTS OR THE STAFF, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

HOW MANY FLOORS YOU
GOT IN THIS PLACE? SIX.

TWENTY-TO-ONE THE
ELEVATOR DON'T WORK.

VERY GOOD. KEEP PROBING
AROUND FOR THAT VEIN. THAT'S IT.

LOOK AROUND. TRY TO YOUR
LEFT, DOWN JUST A LITTLE.

THERE IT IS. GOOD. GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S NICE.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

PACER WIRE.

CATHETER GUIDE.

FLUOROSCOPY ON.

THE WIRE APPEARS TO
BE IN THE RIGHT VENTRICLE.

NOT BAD, DR. ARMSTRONG.

PACEMAKER NOW.

TWO-OH NYLON TIE.

PACEMAKER MONITOR.

CHECK THE VOLTAGE AND
AMPS FOR 72 BEATS PER MINUTE.

[Monitor Pinging]

THAT'S RIGHT. THE BEAT
HAS A REGULAR R-WAVE SPIKE.

GOOD CAPTURE.

PICKUPS AND METZ.

RETRACTOR TO DR. ANDREWS.

MAKE THE SUB-Q POUCH JUST LARGE
ENOUGH TO HOUSE THE PACEMAKER.

DR. ANDREWS, DID YOU SPEAK AT THE
CARDIOLOGISTS' CONVENTION THIS WEEK?

NO, I HAD TO CANCEL.

MY WIFE AND I HAD SOME PEOPLE COMING
UP TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS OF OUR HOUSE.

THAT'S VERY GOOD, DR. ARMSTRONG.
YOU SEEM TO BE AN OLD HAND AT THIS.

WHAT ARE THE PHOTOGRAPHS
FOR? ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST.

THEY WANT TO DO A
PIECE ON OUR HOUSE.

OH. YOU LIVE IN IPSWICH,
DON'T YOU, DR. ANDREWS? YES.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE
HOUSE. IT'S A BEAUTY!

YES, WE LIKE IT VERY MUCH, THOUGH
THE FACT IS WE'VE PUT IT ON THE MARKET.

WE HAVE OUR EYE
ON SOMETHING ELSE.

IRRIGATION.

PERFECT FIT. SKIN SUTURE.

I WAS A BARRISTER IN
LONDON... YOU KNOW, A LAWYER.

I KNOW. THIS IS JUST A FOLLOW-UP
X-RAY. IT WON'T TAKE BUT A MINUTE.

NEEDED A CHANGE OF
VENUE, SO TO SPEAK, SO I

PACKED MY BAG AND
HOPPED A FLIGHT TO AMERICA.

JUST LIKE THAT? ACTUALLY, I
THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE.

READ ALL YOUR YANKEE AUTHORS...
HAWTHORNE, MELVILLE, EMERSON.

AMERICA SOUNDED TO ME LIKE A NEW
BEGINNING, A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.

DID YOU HAVE A JOB
LINED UP HERE? NOPE.

I BROUGHT A SUITCASE
OF MY FATHER'S RARE

BOOKS AS WELL AS A
LOVE OF GREAT LITERATURE.

ANNIE? HI, BEN.

YOU, UH, HAVE A MINUTE? SURE.

HI. HELLO!

ALL SET? [Woman] ALL SET.

OKAY, HAROLD. PICTURE. I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK. [Woman] OKAY.

UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A COUPLE OF TICKETS
FOR THE BOSTON POPS FOR THIS EVENING.

YOU INTERESTED? SURE!
HOW'D YOU GET THEM?

UH, NANCY ORDERED
THEM ABOUT SIX WEEKS AGO.

IT'S NOT REALLY MY KIND
OF MUSIC, YOU KNOW?

WELL, THANKS A LOT,
BEN. SURE. ANYTIME.

LISTEN, UH, WHAT'S
WITH THE COUNT? WHO?

COUNT LUIS OBISPO.

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO THIS GUY IS? HAROLD HUBNER.

THIS IS A WORLD-CLASS
EROTIC FILM STAR. HAROLD?

THIS IS PRACTICALLY THE
LAURENCE OLIVIER OF BLUE MOVIES.

THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISCO,
UH, BYRON ON THE HEATH,

UH, THEODORA AND JUSTINIAN.

THESE CLASSICS DON'T
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU? NO.

WELL, I GUESS
YOU'RE NOT INTO FILM.

THAT IS ONE TALENTED MAN.

SOMETHING THE MATTER?

ARE YOU THE COUNT
OF MONTE CRISTO?

OH. ARE YOU?

COUNT LUIS OBISPO.
I'M AFRAID SO.

YOU'RE A PORNO MOVIE STAR?

IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING, YES.

WHY ARE YOU REGISTERED
AS HAROLD HUBNER?

I DON'T WANT CERTAIN
PERSONS TO KNOW I'M HERE.

YOU SEE, I'VE BEEN UNDER
CONTRACT TO HYACINTH PICTURES...

TO MAKE FIVE FILMS, OF
WHICH I'VE MADE THREE.

BUT I WANT TO GET OUT OF
THE MOTION PICTURE BUSINESS.

HYACINTH PICTURES HAS BEEN
ATTEMPTING TO SERVE ME A SUMMONS...

TO FULFILL THE REMAINDER
OF MY CONTRACT.

THEN ALL THIS TALK ABOUT RARE
BOOKS AND DORSET, VERMONT, IS A LIE.

NO.

I HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARY
COLLECTION OF RARE BOOKS,

AND I RECONVERTED A
BARN IN WEST DORSET.

ONCE I'VE DISAPPEARED
ACROSS THE BORDER,

MR. BRICKER WILL BE UNABLE
TO SERVE ME THE SUMMONS.

HIS JURISDICTION ONLY APPLIES TO
THE COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS.

MR. BRICKER? THE MAN WHO'S...

SERVING THE SUMMONS.
SHORT, DISHEVELED CHARACTER.

YOU WON'T LET ON, WILL YOU?

[Sighs] I AM NOT A FAN
OF PORNO MOVIES,

MR. WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS,

AND I DON'T PARTICULARLY
LIKE BEING LIED TO.

AN ORDERLY WILL BE IN TO
TAKE YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

THE ONLY REASON I LET THAT IDIOT MOVE IN
IS HE GOT THROWN OUT OF HIS APARTMENT.

BUT IT'S LIKE HAVING A
PET, A BARNYARD ANIMAL...

A PIG, A COW.

NO OFFENSE INTENDED.

HEY, WENDY. HOW'S YOUR
ANKLE? GETTING BETTER.

I HEAR YOU PUT IN A PACEMAKER TODAY
WITH YOUR OWN TWO HANDS. HOW'D IT FEEL?

OKAY. "OKAY"? JUST OKAY?

NO RUSH, NO THRILL? WHAT'S THE
MATTER? YOU'RE NOT INTO ECSTASY?

OH, IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S
THE PATIENT, MR. STANDAR.

HIS ARRHYTHMIA ON THE E.K.G. MONITOR
WASN'T SIGNIFICANTLY ABNORMAL.

WELL, MAYBE HIS HEART WAS
ON GOOD BEHAVIOR TODAY.

MAYBE. BUT I GOTTA TELL
YOU SOMETHING, VICTOR.

I DON'T THINK HE
NEEDED THAT PACEMAKER.

I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU IN THE
GLOBE WITH THAT CROWD OF YOURS.

WHAT CROWD? OH, YOU KNOW...
THE COBBS, THE WHEELERS.

REAL FAST COMPANY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU READ THE
SOCIETY PAGE, MARK. I DON'T.

MY WIFE READ IT TO
ME OVER BREAKFAST.

I MEAN, THE GUEST LIST SOUNDED LIKE A
WHO'S WHO IN BOSTON. REAL BLUE BLOODS.

WHAT WAS THE OCCASION? FUND-RAISER
FOR THE BOSTON YOUTH SOCIETY.

MY WIFE IS ALWAYS ON ME TO GET WITH
IT WITH THE SOCIAL CROWD. YOU KNOW, I...

[Laughing] I'M CURIOUS, LARRY.

WHAT DID IT COST YOU
FOR A SEAT AT THAT TABLE?

2,500 A PLATE. [Coughing]

[Gasps] WELL, IT WAS
FOR A VERY GOOD CAUSE.

WELL, THAT'S
DEBATABLE. [Laughing]

I'M SERIOUS. WE'VE GOT THE COMPLETE
COLLECTION OF JAN AND DEAN ALBUMS.

WHAT'S THIS USE
OF THE ROYAL "WE"?

EXCUSE ME. VICTOR HAS
THE COMPLETE COLLECTION.

YES, VICTOR ALSO HAD
THE ENTIRE BEACH BOY

COLLECTION TILL HE
TRASHED ONE OF THE ALBUMS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?

I GOT A CAT OVER THE
WEEKEND. OH? WHAT'S HIS NAME?

I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.

DEAR ABBY SAYS THAT WHAT YOU
NAME YOUR CAT SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOU.

WELL, IF DEAR ABBY SAYS SO...

I HAD A PSYCH PROFESSOR
WHO ONCE SAID IF

YOU CALL YOUR CAT BY
AN EVERYDAY HUMAN NAME,

LIKE PETER, RALPH
OR ALICE, YOU'RE

OBVIOUSLY SEEKING AN
EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP.

WATCH THE SHIRT, FISCUS.

WHEREAS AN IMPERSONAL NAME LIKE
TORONTO, FRESNO OR HOUSEBOAT...

SUGGESTS A PERSON AFRAID
OF EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT.

WATCH THE SHIRT,
FISCUS! RELAX, VICTOR.

THERE ARE, IN FACT, THREE
NAMES A CAT MUST HAVE.

WHY THREE? WELL, FIRST
THERE IS HIS EVERYDAY NAME.

BUT THEN HE MUST
HAVE A SPECIAL NAME...

TO GO WITH THE VERY
SPECIAL WAY THAT A CAT HAS.

[Cavanero] LIKE?

WELL, LIKE, UH, MINNALOUSHE...

OR BALTHERSLEITE
OR, UH, JELLYRUMPOLE.

BET THOSE ARE REALLY
HIGH ON YOUR LIST.

BUT THEN THERE
IS THE THIRD NAME.

WELL?

WELL, IT IS THE MOST
IMPORTANT NAME.

IT IS A NAME THAT YOU MUST FIND.

WELL, IT IS THE NAME THAT
THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS.

[Disgusted Grunt]

EXCUSE ME. KNOW WHERE THE MEN'S
ROOM IS? YEAH. AROUND THE CORNER.

OH, DR. CAVANERO.

THE STAFF ON 4-W WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD DO US A FAVOR. SHOOT.

WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD GET
US AN AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF THE COUNT.

HOW DID YOU KNOW HE
WAS IN THE HOSPITAL?

UM, MORGEN HEARD IT FROM CARUSO,

WHO RECOGNIZED HIM FROM
HIS MOVIE, THE BATTLE OF MALDEN.

AND WE WERE THINKING THAT SINCE
YOU'RE HIS DOCTOR, YOU COULD GET US ONE.

I DON'T THINK HE HAS ANY
PHOTOGRAPHS WITH HIM.

WE DIDN'T THINK THAT HE WOULD.

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPECT
ME TO GET ONE FOR YOU?

IT'S NOT WIDE-ANGLE,
BUT A PROFILE SHOT'LL DO.

[Woman] DR. CAVANERO.

YES?

DR. CAVANERO,
THIS IS MR. BRICKER.

I HEAR YOU HAVE A PATIENT
HERE WITH AN ULCER.

THAT'S CORRECT. YEAH, WELL,
I'VE GOT A SUMMONS FOR HIM.

REALLY? THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT FOR? BREACH OF CONTRACT.

WHAT DID HE DO, STIFF THE RETIREMENT
HOME FOR LAST MONTH'S RENT?

IS HE AN OLD GUY? DEPENDS
ON WHAT YOU CALL OLD.

IS 80 OLD? GOD'S SAKE!

[Woman] I NEED SOME HELP
OVER HERE. [No Audible Dialogue]

THANK YOU. [Man]
OKAY. I'LL WAIT.

WE JUST FOUND OUT. I GUESS
I'M EIGHT WEEKS. REALLY?

WE'RE REAL EXCITED. THAT'S GOOD.

SAY HI TO NINA FOR ME.

[Woman] ST. ELIGIUS EMERGENCY.

NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE
YOU WORKING THE ROOM.

SHE'S PREGNANT. THAT'S SICK,
MORRISON. VERY, VERY SICK.

YOUR WIFE MUST BE GETTING
CLOSE. WHEN'S SHE DUE?

UH, FIRST WEEK IN MAY.

FISCUS! OH.

OH, HELLO, DR. MAURI.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?

I DON'T KNOW. WHERE WAS I
SUPPOSED TO BE? OVER AT B.U., FISCUS.

THE LECTURE. THAT'S
NOT UNTIL FRIDAY.

DIDN'T YOU GET MY MESSAGE? NO.

I TOLD YOUR ROOMMATE THAT WE
WERE ON FOR THIS MORNING. I DIDN'T...

THERE WERE 40 PEOPLE
THERE THIS MORNING, FISCUS.

YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL. IT
WASN'T INTENTIONAL. IT WAS A MISTAKE.

IT'S ALWAYS A MISTAKE
WITH YOU, ISN'T IT?

THERE ARE A LOT OF RESIDENTS AROUND
HERE THAT COULD HAVE DONE THIS LECTURE,

BUT YOU SEEMED MOST QUALIFIED.

YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL,
FISCUS, AND I'M NOT GONNA FORGET THIS.

HOW ARE YOU
FEELING? FINE. AND YOU?

MR. BRICKER ASKED ME ABOUT YOU.

DON'T WORRY. I LIED FOR YOU.

THANK YOU. I HAVE TO
CHECK YOUR GASTRIC JUICE.

I'D LIKE TO GET YOU OUT OF
HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

YOUR X-RAY STUDY
SHOWED NO ACTIVE ULCER.

WHY DID YOU LIE FOR ME?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST DID.

CAN I ASK YOU A
QUESTION? ANYTHING.

YOU SEEM LIKE AN INTELLIGENT,
DECENT HUMAN BEING.

WHAT MAKES YOU DO PORNO MOVIES?

WE PREFER TO CALL THEM "EROTIC
FILMS," BUT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,

I WAS DOWN TO MY LAST DOLLAR
AND SITTING IN A RESTAURANT EATING...

WHEN A MAN APPROACHED ME AND
ASKED ME IF I'D LIKE TO BE IN A MOVIE.

HE NEEDED SOMEONE WITH AN ENGLISH
ACCENT. ADDS A TOUCH OF CLASS, YOU KNOW.

IT'S THE TRUTH. THEY QUICKLY
DISCOVERED THAT I HAD A...

HOW SHALL I SAY IT? TALENT.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE BROKE OUT
THERE, BUT THEY DON'T DEGRADE THEMSELVES.

MOST OF MY MOVIES
ARE QUITE FUNNY REALLY.

VICTORIAN ROMANCES, HISTORICAL
MELODRAMAS, SWEEPING ADVENTURES...

THAT SORT OF THING. WITH
NUDITY AND SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

YES. HOW DO YOU DO
IT? EMOTIONALLY, I MEAN.

SEX HAS NEVER BEEN
PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I'VE ALWAYS FOUND A GREAT BOOK FAR MORE
DEMANDING AND SATISFYING, EMOTIONALLY.

I SUPPOSE MY
DIFFICULTY, OR LACK OF IT,

REFLECTS A DEEP-ROOTED PSYCHOLOGICAL
PROBLEM, BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY.

I THINK WHAT YOU DO IS
IMMORAL. YES, I KNOW YOU DO.

YOU EVER SEEN ONE
OF MY PICTURES? NO.

THEY'RE REALLY VERY
FUNNY, YOU KNOW.

PERSONALLY, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY PEOPLE FIND THEM TITILLATING.

I SUPPOSE THAT REFLECTS A LACKING
ON THEIR PART, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

I'M REALLY VERY HIGHLY
RESPECTED IN THE

PHILIPPINES, NORTH AFRICA
AND THE MIDDLE EAST.

ALBUQUERQUE TOO.

ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO?

HMM. I WAS VOTED,
UH, STAR OF THE YEAR...

AT THE ALBUQUERQUE
EROTIC FILM FESTIVAL.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
HAD ONE. NEITHER DID I.

WHY DO THEY CALL
YOU THE COUNT OBISPO?

MY FIRST PRODUCER WAS FROM
SAN LUIS OBISPO IN CALIFORNIA.

THE "COUNT" WAS
ADDED FOR EFFECT.

I PLAY A MEXICAN-CASTILIAN
INDO-EUROPEAN GERMAN ARISTOCRAT.

SORT OF TOUCHING ALL BASES. BUT
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME CHARACTER.

"TORN BETWEEN LUST AND DUTY."

THE COUNT MANAGES
BOTH QUITE WELL.

I'VE RESCUED JOAN OF
ARC FROM THE FLAMES,

MARIE ANTOINETTE FROM THE
GUILLOTINE, HELEN FROM TROY.

I'VE STORMED THE BASTILLE,
KHARTOUM, TOWER OF LONDON.

BUT THE COUNT HAS
RESCUED HIS LAST FAIR MAIDEN.

HE WANTS TO RETIRE WITH
HIS BOOKS TO VERMONT.

NOT A VERY DRAMATIC
ENDING, IS IT?

[Sighs] I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE
THIS THE WRONG WAY, HAROLD,

BUT YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE A
VERY ROMANTIC PERSON TO ME.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT.

LET'S SEE IF YOU HAVE ANY
UPPER-GASTRIC TENDERNESS.

THIS IS WHERE WE KNOCK
YOU INTO SHAPE, BILL.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA TAKE TO GET
THAT BEEF OF YOURS BACK INTO SHAPE AGAIN?

WHAT? I'M GONNA RUN YOU RAGGED.

BECAUSE, YOU SEE,
BILL, YOU'RE THE GUY...

THAT NEVER LEARNED THE
WORD "ENOUGH," DID YOU?

WELL, UH, I DO HAVE A HARD
TIME SAYING "NO" TO CHOCOLATE.

WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO
KID? IT'S NOT JUST CHOCOLATE.

IT'S ICE CREAM AND BEER AND ANYTHING
ELSE YOU CAN STUFF INTO YOUR FACE, TRUE?

TRUE. WELL, NOW,
WE'RE GONNA PAY FOR IT.

UH, EXCUSE ME, DR, CRAIG.
WHAT IS IT, ARMSTRONG?

MAY I SPEAK WITH
YOU FOR A MOMENT?

3:00 SHARP, BILL.

WELL? I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT DR. ANDREWS.

OKAY. I'VE BEEN ASSISTING
HIM FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS.

I'M AWARE OF THAT. [Sighs]

AND, WELL... WHAT?

I THINK HE'S INSERTING PACEMAKERS
INTO PEOPLE WHO DON'T NEED THEM.

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU
THINK A THING LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE THE CONDITIONS OF HALF
THE PATIENTS DIDN'T WARRANT IT.

IN THE LAST FOUR WEEKS DR. ANDREWS
HAS INSERTED 28 PACEMAKERS,

AND I'VE LOOKED AT THE CASE
HISTORIES OF 14 OF THOSE PATIENTS.

JUST THIS MORNING WE OPERATED
ON AN ALFRED STANDAR, 52 YEARS OLD,

WITH NO HISTORY OF HEART
DISEASE PRIOR TO A MINOR INFARCTION.

I SAW HIS E.K.G.
TRACING, DR. CRAIG.

HE DID NOT NEED THAT PACEMAKER.

YOU DIDN'T THINK
IT WAS NECESSARY.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A
HEART SURGEON, ARMSTRONG?

DR. CRAIG, I'M NOT
TRYING TO... HOW LONG?

I'M NOT A HEART
SURGEON. WHAT ARE YOU?

I'M A RESIDENT, A
FIRST-YEAR RESIDENT.

I WOULD THINK LONG
AND HARD, YOUNG LADY,

BEFORE I STARTED TOSSING
AROUND SUCH SERIOUS ACCUSATIONS.

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE.

BALLROOM DANCING? SURE. IT'S A
LOT OF FUN. TANGO, SAMBA, RUMBA.

I'M NOT A VERY GOOD
DANCER. I WASN'T EITHER.

YOU START OUT SLOW. GET
DOWN HERE. ONE, TWO, THREE NOW.

ONE, TWO, THREE. ONE,
TWO, THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU PINK
SWINE! BEAT IT, LUCILLE!

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?

YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO GET A MESSAGE
FROM DR. MAURI FOR ME, DID YOU?

MAURI? SOMETHING
ABOUT A LECTURE?

OH, YEAH! MAURI.
I'M SORRY. I FORGOT.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO A LECTURE FOR 40
MEDICAL STUDENTS AT B.U. THIS MORNING,

AND YOU FORGOT, YOU'RE SORRY.

THIS IS NOT A LAUNDRY TICKET,
VICTOR. THIS IS MY CAREER!

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT'S ONLY A
LECTURE. TO YOU IT'S ONLY A LECTURE!

TO ME IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY
TO GET IN WITH DR. MAURI!

YOU THINK I'M GONNA BE HIGH ON
HER LIST FOR AN E.R. FELLOWSHIP NOW?

THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE
SURE YOU TALKED TO HER YOURSELF.

I WAS COUNTING ON YOU! HEY,
I'M NOT YOUR ERRAND BOY, FISCUS.

I'M NOT YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE.

YOU ARE THOUGHTLESS,
INCONSIDERATE! YOU ARE SELFISH!

HOLD ON, YOU SNIVELING
LITTLE WATER RAT.

DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME ABOUT
SELFISH! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT SELFISH IS?

HOW ABOUT I COOK
A CHICKEN SO I HAVE

SOMETHING TO EAT
WHEN I GET OFF AT 4:00 A.M.

I OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR...
YOU DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE ME A WING!

YOU ARE PETTY, PETTY! PETTY?

I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT
PETTY. AND YOU'RE THE

MOST THOUGHTLESS PERSON
ON THE WHOLE PLANET!

YOU BORROW MY SISTER'S CAR TO VISIT
ONE OF YOUR BIMBOS IN NORTH ANDOVER.

FOURTEEN DEGREES OUT, I GO OUT THERE,
YOU DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE ME A DROP OF GAS.

YOU GOT A GAS CAN IN THE CAR, A GAS STATION
THREE BLOCKS AWAY. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT AN EMERGENCY ROOM FELLOWSHIP.

BUT I AM TALKING ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MY CAREER, BUT
I'M TALKING ABOUT MY COMFORT IN MY HOME!

OUT OF THE KINDNESS
OF MY HEART, I TAKE YOU IN

WHEN I SHOULD HAVE THROWN
YOU OUT IN THE STREET!

WHAT DO YOU DO?
WHERE'S YOUR GRATITUDE?

YOU EAT ALL MY FOOD,
YOU SOIL MY SHEETS,

YOU EVEN HAVE THE TOTAL
GALL TO WEAR MY SHIRT...

'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO LAZY
TO PICK UP THE LAUNDRY!

YOU WANT YOUR SHIRT?
YOU WANT YOUR SHIRT? YES.

HERE'S YOUR SHIRT. DON'T YOU
DARE RIP THAT. DON'T YOU RIP THAT!

"DON'T YOU RIP IT"? THERE IT IS!

OH, THAT'S GREAT!
THAT'S JUST GREAT!

[Woman On P.A.]
DR. TYLER TO MATERNITY.

DR. ANN TYLER TO
MATERNITY. [Clicking Tongue]

[Man On TV] HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

HEY, COUNT!

ANY LUCK, MR. BRICKER?

[Man On TV] TO START YOU OFF ON YOUR
ATTEMPT TO WIN ONE MILLION DOLLARS,

YOU CAN CHOOSE A $1,000,
$2,000 OR A $3,000 QUESTION.

[Woman On TV] OH! I'M GONNA
GO FOR THE BIG ONE... 3,000.

[Man On TV] ALL RIGHT. FOR
$3,000, NAME THE FIVE LARGEST...

THIS FOUR? WHAT?

THE FLOOR. IS THIS ONE FOUR?

UH, YEAH.

THERE'S MINK CRAWLING
ALL OVER THIS PLACE.

YOU A DOCTOR? YUP.

YOU GUYS MUST HAVE
MINK COMIN' OUT YOUR EARS.

HEY, YOU KNOW A
GUY, HAL BEAUMONT?

THE COUNT. YEAH!

IS HE HERE?

[Groans]

[Woman On P.A.] DR. CRAIG.
DR. MARK CRAIG TO I.C.U.

OH, GOOD. ANNIE, UH, I THINK
YOU BETTER GET UPSTAIRS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? BRICKER.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

DON'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, HAROLD. JUST
GET INTO BED AND LIE DOWN ON YOUR STOMACH.

PROUST? WHAT IS THIS,
YOUR NEXT FILM, COUNT?

ACTUALLY, I'M RETIRING
FROM FILM. WHAT?

WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY MY... SHUT
UP, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND DON'T MOVE.

I REALLY WISH YOU... BRICKER!

PROUST. THIS IS THE GUY THAT
PUT RIP VAN WINKLE TO SLEEP.

HEY. OKAY IF I LOOK
AROUND? CERTAINLY.

SURE. TOOK THE STAIRS, HUH?

YEAH. NICE MINK.

I THINK HIS
SCHISTASOMIASIS IS DORMANT.

WHAT? HIS
SCHISTASOMIASIS IS LOW.

OH, SCHISTASOMIASIS. YEAH. WELL, I THINK,
IN THAT CASE, WE SHOULD DO A CYSTOSCOPY.

YOU THINK? SURE. WHY NOT?

HUH. WHO'S THAT GUY?

PROUST. UH, RONALD PROUST.

- LET'S SEE HIS FACE.
- NO!

UH, LISTEN, ANNIE.

IF MR. BRICKER WANTS TO TAKE A LOOK
AT MR. PROUST'S FACE, WE SHOULD LET HIM.

AFTER ALL, IT'S HIS JOB.

HOWEVER, I SHOULD WARN YOU
YOU DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN'? SEE,
MR. PROUST HAS ICTERIC CONJUNCTIVITIS.

YEAH? INFECTIOUS, YEAH.

TURNS YOUR EYES
YELLOW PERMANENTLY.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT
HIM. WE HAD OUR SHOTS.

BUT THERE'S ONLY A 50-50
CHANCE OF YOUR CONTRACTING IT.

GO ON. HAVE A QUICK PEEK.

CAN I GET IT JUST BEIN' IN
THE SAME ROOM WITH HIM?

OOH. LISTEN, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF THAT.

ANNIE, WHAT DO
YOU... I DON'T... [Groaning]

I'D CHECK WITH MY
PHYSICIAN, IF I WERE YOU.

YOU THINK? I WOULD.

OH, ABSOLUTELY. YEAH. RIGHT.

THANKS.

[Exhales]

COUNT, NOW, WHAT
IS THIS NONSENSE...

ABOUT YOU QUITTING
THE MOVIES, HUH?

[Craig] KEEP YOUR HEAD UP! CONTROL
YOUR BREATHING AND HANG ON TO THE RAIL.

COME ON, BILL! YOU'RE BEGINNING
TO DRAG. PICK UP THOSE KNEES.

ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO!

I'M DYING. YOU'RE NOT
DYING, BILL. YOU'RE PATHETIC.

BARGES OF FAT
CLOGGING YOUR ARTERIES.

NEXT TIME YOU'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE
ROLLING YOURSELF OVER TO THE DINNER TABLE.

HOW FAR HAVE I GONE? HOW FAR? YOU'RE
NOT EVEN OUT OF THE STARTING BLOCKS.

COME ON! KEEP UP THAT
PACE! OR I'LL DO IT FOR YOU!

NO, NO. PLEASE. LOOK
HERE. COME HERE A SECOND.

YOU SEE THIS, BILL?

YOU ARE A BUCKET OF FRIED
CHICKEN AWAY FROM JOINING THIS CLUB.

THANKS A LOT.
NOW, KEEP IT UP, BILL.

WILL THEY EVER LEARN? I
DON'T HOLD OUT TOO MUCH HOPE.

THIS ONE'S BEEN OUT OF POST-OP
JUST SIX MONTHS. HE'S SMOKING AGAIN.

LARRY, AS THE CHIEF OF
SURGERY AROUND HERE,

I'D FEEL IT LESS THAN
RESPONSIBLE IF I DIDN'T ASK YOU THIS.

YEAH?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT I'M IN
ANY WAY IMPUGNING YOUR INTEGRITY.

WHAT IS IT?

I'VE BEEN TOLD YOU'VE
UNNECESSARILY INSERTED PACEMAKERS...

IN YOUR CARDIAC PATIENTS.

WHO SAID THAT?

I'M SORRY, LARRY. I
CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT
ME TO SAY THEN? PLEASE, LARRY...

I HAVE BEEN AFFILIATED WITH
THIS HOSPITAL FOR FIVE YEARS,

AND YOU, MARK, SHOULD
KNOW AS WELL AS ANYONE...

IT'S NOT FOR LACK OF OFFERS FROM OTHER
INSTITUTIONS, INCLUDING BOSTON GENERAL.

I'VE STAYED HERE BECAUSE OF MY
AFFECTION FOR THIS INSTITUTION...

AND WHAT I BELIEVED WAS A DEEP
RAPPORT WITH MY COLLEAGUES.

ARE YOU SURE THAT
MR. STANDAR'S ARRHYTHMIA...

WAS SEVERE ENOUGH TO
WARRANT A PACEMAKER?

OF COURSE I'M SURE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH THE MAN'S CONDITION.

WELL, MARK, YOU'RE MORE THAN
WELCOME TO EXAMINE THE FILES.

THEN IT'S NOT TRUE. OF
COURSE IT'S NOT TRUE.

CONSIDER THE MATTER CLOSED.

A GUY COMES INTO E.R. WITH A
KNAPSACK ON HIS BACK, RIGHT?

SAYS HE'S GOT 300 PLACENTAS HE
WANTS TO SELL. PLACENTAS? FROM WHERE?

URUGUAY. URUGUAY?

URUGUAY. "URUGWIE."
EXCUSE US A MOMENT, PLEASE.

SEE YOU LATER.

DID YOU COMPLAIN TO DR. CRAIG
ABOUT MY SURGICAL PRACTICES?

[Sighs] YES, DR. ANDREWS, I DID.

FOR WHAT REASON?

I DON'T FEEL THAT MANY OF
THE INSERTIONS WERE INDICATED.

COULD YOU BE A LITTLE
MORE SPECIFIC PERHAPS?

I STUDIED THE CASE HISTORIES OF
MR. CUNNINGHAM AND MR. TIMBERLAND,

NEITHER OF WHOM HAD EVER BEEN
PUT ON ANY CARDIAC MEDICATION.

AND WHEN I WORKED ON
MR. STANDAR'S HEART THIS MORNING...

HIS HEART WAS NOT IN BAD SHAPE,

EVEN THOUGH HE HAD SUFFERED A
MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION TWO YEARS AGO.

YOU'RE WRONG, DR. ARMSTRONG,

BUT WHAT I FIND EVEN MORE
OFFENSIVE THAN YOUR ARROGANCE...

IS THE LACK OF CHARACTER
AND BACKBONE YOU SHOWED...

BY TRYING TO GET AT ME THROUGH DR. CRAIG,
RATHER THAN CONFRONTING ME YOURSELF.

I DID WHAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT.

WHAT YOU DID WAS SLANDEROUS,

BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY,
VOID OF ANY THOUGHT.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO REASONS WHY A
SURGEON WOULD NEEDLESSLY OPERATE...

ON ANOTHER HUMAN BEING...
BECAUSE HE'S CRAZY OR HE'S BROKE.

WELL, I'M NEITHER.

I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A
VINDICTIVE PERSON, DR. ARMSTRONG,

BUT IF I WERE, YOU'D BE SPENDING
THE REST OF YOUR RESIDENCY...

WORKING FOR THE
PUBLIC HEALTH SYSTEM.

[Craig] I DIDN'T
SAY THAT, ELLEN.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT!

I REFUSE TO LIVE IN
A SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE.

THEY'RE UGLY.

MIGHT AS WELL MOVE INTO A TRACT HOUSE
OR ONE OF THOSE CRACKER-BOX CONDOS.

[Knocking] YEAH?

DR. CRAIG? WHAT
IS IT, ARMSTRONG?

NO. TUDOR... TUDOR
IS ACCEPTABLE TO ME.

YES. WHAT'S THE ACREAGE?

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?

DR. ANDREWS SPOKE WITH ME
THIS AFTERNOON. OH, HE DID, DID HE?

NO, NO, THAT SOUNDS
VERY SKIMPY TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHATEVER.

I TOLD YOU, SWEETHEART, THE CAR
WILL NOT BE READY UNTIL TOMORROW.

I'LL SEE YOU IN 20
MINUTES. THANK YOU. BYE.

SO?

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF LOOKING UP
HIS RECORDS. THAT MATTER WAS CLOSED.

PLEASE, DR. CRAIG.

NOW, I KNOW I CANNOT PROVE THAT
WHAT DR. ANDREWS IS DOING IS ILLEGAL,

BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN
DISCREPANCIES, IRREGULARITIES.

LIKE WHAT?

THERE HAVE BEEN MARKUPS ON MEDICARE
PATIENTS WHO'VE UNDERGONE THE PROCEDURE.

DR. ARMSTRONG, THE
PACEMAKER INSERTION...

COSTS BETWEEN $2,000 AND $5,000.

NOW, THE DIFFERENCE IN
THE COST HAS NOTHING TO DO...

WITH THE PATIENT'S INCOME, BUT
RATHER THE COMPLEXITY OF THE SURGERY.

YES, I REALIZE THAT I'M
DEALING IN GRAY AREAS.

NEXT IRREGULARITY.

SEVERAL INAPPROPRIATE DISEASE ENTITIES
HAVE BEEN USED TO JUSTIFY INSERTIONS.

WHAT ENTITIES?

SEVERAL PATIENTS WITH SECOND-DEGREE
HEART BLOCK HAVE BEEN GIVEN INSERTIONS.

I'M AWARE OF THE ARGUMENT THAT
INSERTIONS AREN'T ALWAYS EFFECTIVE...

WITH ALL SECOND-DEGREE
HEART BLOCKS,

BUT AT THIS POINT, THE
EVIDENCE IS INCONCLUSIVE.

NOW, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

ALL OF THE PACEMAKERS
THAT DR. ANDREWS HAS USED...

ARE FROM THE SAME
COMPANY, CRESTLINE.

CRESTLINE MAKES AN EXCELLENT,
HIGH-QUALITY PRODUCT.

THERE'S NOTHING
UNUSUAL WITH THAT.

NOT UNLESS DR. ANDREWS
IS GETTING KICKBACKS.

I HAVE SEEN THESE MANUFACTURERS
AND THEIR HIGH-PRESSURE SALESMEN...

"CREATING A DIALOGUE"... HAMMERING
THEIR CUSTOMERS WITH STOCK OPTIONS,

PAYMENTS FOR MEDICAL
EVALUATIONS, VACATION TRIPS, GIFTS.

DR. ANDREWS...

IS A VERY SUCCESSFUL
AND WEALTHY SURGEON.

NOW, WHY WOULD HE DO A
THING LIKE THAT? I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW? WELL, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING, DR. ARMSTRONG.

YOUR EVIDENCE DOESN'T EXIST.

NOW, YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN
ALIENATING A VERY POWERFUL...

AND RESPECTED
MEMBER OF THIS HOSPITAL!

AND NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR
OWN HEAD ON THE BLOCK.

NOW, YOU WANT MY ADVICE,
YOU'LL APOLOGIZE TO DR. ANDREWS...

AND DO YOUR BEST TO
MAKE PEACE WITH THE MAN.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

DR. CRAIG, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

I AM A RESIDENT, AND DR. ANDREWS
IS AN ACCOMPLISHED SURGEON,

AND BECAUSE OF THAT,
YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA

BOTHER TO FIND OUT IF
WHAT I'M SAYING IS TRUE.

AND I THINK THAT STINKS.

YEAH, LISTEN, I WANTED TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY VACATION.

YEAH. OKAY. WELL, LISTEN.
COULD YOU COME BY?

I'D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT
ALL THOSE THINGS YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE TO TAKE
CARE OF WHILE I'M GONE.

GREAT. THANKS A LOT,
KATHLEEN. BYE-BYE.

UH, MRS. HULICKI IN 117... WHO
ORDERED BICARBONATE OF SODA?

I DON'T KNOW. WELL, LET'S
SEE. WHO ADMITTED HER?

DR. FISCUS. AHA! DR. FISCUS.

WOULD YOU PLEASE
ASK DR. FISCUS...

IF HE ORDERED BICARBONATE
OF SODA FOR MRS. HULICKI?

ARE YOU PARALYZED?
DO IT, PLEASE.

DR. FISCUS, DR. EHRLICH
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW...

IF YOU ORDERED BICARBONATE
OF SODA FOR MRS. HULICKI.

TELL HIM, YEAH.

YEAH. GOOD. ASK HIM WHY.

DR. EHRLICH WOULD
LIKE TO KNOW WHY YOU...

AND SO WOULD I. WHY WHAT?

WHY THE TWO OF YOU ARE
BEHAVING LIKE MY 10-YEAR-OLD.

HE STARTED IT.
THEN YOU FINISH IT.

[Woman On P.A.]
DR. JACKSON, 2-8-4-0.

DR. HENRY JACKSON, 2-8-4-0.

I'M SORRY, VICTOR. I
DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE LAUNDRY. I'M
SORRY ABOUT EATING YOUR CHICKEN.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I
DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT SOILING THE
SHEETS. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?

HOW 'BOUT MY SHIRT? AND MOST OF ALL,
I'M SORRY ABOUT DESTROYING YOUR SHIRT.

I'M GONNA REPLACE IT.

I'M GONNA CALL MANNY TUSUPINS IN LAHAINA
AND HAVE THEM SEND YOU ANOTHER ONE.

GOOD. BUT WE GOTTA
END THIS COLD WAR.

I WILL AMEND MY WAYS. I
WILL BE A BETTER ROOMMATE.

I WILL NOT BE THOUGHTLESS
OR SELFISH OR INCONSIDERATE.

ON MY MOTHER'S HONOR. [Laughing]

THIS I SWEAR TO YOU.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WE'LL SEE.

[Sighs]

CAN WE GO, MARK?
I'M DOUBLE-PARKED.

WHY DIDN'T YOU PARK IN
MY SPACE? SOMEBODY'S IN IT.

WHO? I DON'T KNOW WHO.

WHAT WAS THE MAKE OF THE CAR?

I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST
IDEA. CAN WE GO?

WELL, NEXT TIME GET
THE LICENSE NUMBER.

WELL, YOU CAN FORGET
THE TUDOR IN WELLESLEY.

WHY'S THAT? NO
BACKYARD, NO TREES.

BY THE WAY, THE TUTHILLS HAVE
INVITED US FOR SUNDAY BRUNCH.

STONEWALL IT.

I SAW A HOUSE IN NEWTON,
RIGHT NEXT TO BOSTON COLLEGE.

THE NOISE WAS TERRIBLE.

THEN I SAW LARRY ANDREWS'S
HOUSE AGAIN, AND IT'S A DREAM.

HOW MUCH? 350.

THAT'S NOT A DREAM.
THAT'S A NIGHTMARE.

MARK, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

FOUR BEDROOMS,
TWO BATHS, MM-HMM.

THREE ACRES, TENNIS COURT,
GUEST HOUSE, SWIMMING POOL.

IT'S TOO MODERN.

EVERY TIME I SEE SOMETHING
I LIKE, YOU SHOOT IT DOWN.

I MEAN, IT JUST
LOOKS SO, UH, NEW.

THAT'S JUST THE WAY
IT'S BEEN DECORATED.

IT'S A NORTH AND
SOUTH TENNIS COURT.

AND THE SWIMMING
POOL IS ENORMOUS!

REALLY, MARK, YOU WOULD LOVE IT.

I TALKED TO THE
BROKER ABOUT IT, AND HE

SAID IT'S SUPPOSED TO
LOOK LIKE A PACEMAKER.

A PACEMAKER?

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

GO HOME. I JUST FOUGHT
RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC TO GET HERE.

GO HOME.

[Sighs, Clicks Tongue]

HI. HELLO THERE.

YOUR G.I. TRACT IS INTACT.

YOU HAVE NO ACTIVE ULCER AT
THE PRESENT. PITY I'M RETIRING.

OTHERWISE I COULD INCORPORATE
THIS EXPERIENCE IN MY NEXT FILM. REALLY?

ALTHOUGH THE COUNT IS
USED TO RESCUING THE DAMSEL,

RATHER THAN THE DAMSEL
RESCUING THE COUNT.

YOU WERE SPLENDID. THANK YOU.

AND PLEASE THANK YOUR
FRIEND. BEN SAMUELS.

AWFULLY ACCOMMODATING FELLOW.

LISTEN, UH, IF EVER
YOU'RE IN WEST DORSET...

WE CAN CATCH A MOVIE?

NOT BY A LONG SHOT. IT'S TOO
BEAUTIFUL UP THERE TO SIT IN A DARK ROOM.

I'VE GOT A LOVELY
OLD BARN BY A STREAM.

DOWN THE ROAD THERE'S A
COVERED BRIDGE 150 YEARS OLD...

AND A STONE WALL THAT RISES AND
FALLS WITH THE ROLL OF THE LAND.

I'M GONNA PLANT AN ENGLISH
GARDEN AND READ MY BOOKS...

AND ALWAYS THINK OF YOUR
COURAGE AND KINDNESS.

OH, HOW YOU DO GO
ON, COUNT OBISPO.

I GUESS THE ONLY THING STANDING
BETWEEN YOU AND DORSET IS MR. BRICKER.

OH. IS HE STILL AROUND?

DON'T WORRY.

I THINK WE CAN GET THE
COUNT OUT OF HERE ALL RIGHT.

[Knocking] COME IN.

LARRY. THANKS FOR
DROPPING BY. PLEASE.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT WENDY ARMSTRONG.

OH, THAT'S KIND OF A SORE
SPOT WITH ME TODAY, MARK.

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. I WAS
VERY ANGRY WITH HER MYSELF.

[Chuckles]

THE THOUGHT OF A RESIDENT
ACCUSING ONE OF MY TOP SURGEONS...

WELL, I FOUND THAT
VERY IRRITATING.

IS THAT CLEAN? MM-HMM.

SO I CHALKED THE WHOLE THING UP
TO HER INEXPERIENCE AND NAÏVETÉ.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T FIND
ANYTHING UNUSUAL...

WITH YOUR USING CRESTLINE
PACEMAKERS EXCLUSIVELY.

I MEAN, THEY MAKE A
GREAT PRODUCT, RIGHT?

SO I CAN'T HONESTLY SAY THAT
I FOUND ANYTHING CRIMINAL...

IN THESE FILES.

YOU'RE A CLASSY GUY, LARRY.

YOU GOT A GREAT
MIND, A LOT OF STYLE,

NOT TO MENTION A BEAUTIFUL HOME
AND A BEAUTIFUL NEW SWIMMING POOL.

TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR IT.

THAT'S NONSENSE.

YOU'RE A CROOK, LARRY.

ARMSTRONG KNOWS IT, YOU
KNOW IT, AND NOW I KNOW IT.

MARK, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, WHEN ELLEN AND
I BOUGHT OUR FIRST HOUSE,

I HAD A CALL FROM THE I.R.S...

ABOUT SOME DISCREPANCIES
THEY FOUND IN MY RETURN.

I WAS 35, JUST BEGINNING
TO MAKE A FEW BUCKS.

OH, BOY, THEY SPOOKED ME.

I TOLD THEM EVERYTHING THEY
WANTED TO KNOW AND MORE.

THE ONLY THING IS, I
WASN'T TALKING TO THE I.R.S.

I WAS TALKING TO A PEDIATRICIAN
BY THE NAME OF HENRY WINSTON,

WHO LOVED TO PLAY
PRACTICAL JOKES.

THAT'S VERY AMUSING, MARK.

WELL, IT WASN'T AT THE
TIME, BUT I LEARNED A LESSON.

IF YOU ACT WITH AUTHORITY,
PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I JUST PLAYED THAT
SAME DIRTY TRICK ON YOU.

MR. JOSEPHSON OF WEGNER POOL
COMPANY WAS VERY COOPERATIVE.

YOUR POOL WAS PAID
FOR BY CRESTLINE,

THE SAME CORPORATION THAT MAKES THE
PACEMAKERS THAT YOU USE EXCLUSIVELY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, THAT MAY NOT
BE A FELONY, LARRY,

BUT AT THE VERY LEAST
IT'S A CONFLICT OF INTEREST,

AND I KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

IT'S A BRIBE, LARRY.

SO I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA GO AFTER YOU
WITH EVERYTHING I'VE GOT.

IT MAY TAKE A DAY...
OR A MONTH OR A YEAR,

BUT I'M GONNA GET YOU.

UNLESS YOU SAVE ME THE TROUBLE.

AND?

GET OUT OF MY HOSPITAL.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE TO
STAY WHERE I'M NOT WANTED.

I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO
UNDERSTAND THIS, MARK,

BUT IT TAKES A LOT OF MONEY
FOR ME TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES.

IT WASN'T CRIMINAL.

THOSE PROCEDURES WERE INDICATED.

GET OUT, AND BE SURE TO
CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND YOU.

ARMSTRONG.

[Woman On P.A.] SECURITY TO
ADMITTING. SECURITY TO ADMITTING.

THERE ARE A LOT OF TEMPTATIONS
OUT THERE FOR A SURGEON, ARMSTRONG.

IF EVER I CATCH YOU EVEN
NIBBLING AT ONE OF THEM,

I'LL PUT YOU ON A
SLOW BOAT TO CHINA,

THE SAME ONE I JUST
PUT DR. ANDREWS ON.

[Clears Throat] MR. BRICKER.

HOW DO THEY LOOK?

WELL, COULD BE
THE LIGHT. YA THINK?

COULD BE.

NOT BAD, CAVANERO. THANKS.

I'VE GOT AN EXTRA TICKET
TO THE POPS TONIGHT.

YOU'RE ON.

[Mews]