Squidbillies (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - Rich Dan, Poor Dan - full transcript
Dan Halen finds financial bankruptcy less enjoyable than moral bankruptcy.
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 12 Episode 05 (TV release: S12E06)
Episode Title:
"Rich Dan, Poor Dan"
♪ All my hopes and my dreams
have been buried ♪
♪ Oh, sometimes I wish the sun
would explode ♪
♪ Oh, when my God calls me to
heaven ♪
♪ Whoo, lawd, I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ Yeah, let her blow ♪
♪ Let her blow ♪
♪ Let her blow, let her blow,
let her blow ♪
Hey, man, let me play that thing,
come on!
Do not touch the trim!
Payday baby!
- Money! Hell yeah! Whoo!
- Thanks, brody.
"Have a great weekend.
See you Monday"?
What the hell?
Relax, you'll get your paychecks,
just not today.
You see, we're experiencing a
kink in the new payroll system.
Uhh, for the third payroll
period in a row?
Ooh!
It's just a question!
This is an informational
meeting, not a q&a.
Okay, so everyone have
a dynamite weekend
and we'll see you all
bright and early Monday morning.
Clear the room.
Alright, y'all heard him,
now get on out of here!
- Git on!
- Okay, I'm going.
Have a good weekend!
Just blows my mind,
the lack of patience.
You've supported these people
for how many years?
Uhh, this one-act play
is tiresome.
Over the table?
Well, that's a nice change.
"I'm so glad
we're friends."
me, too, mr. Halen,
but, uh, where's the money?
You know,
kink in the payroll system.
You heard me
explain it before.
But I'm not on the payroll,
I'm on the take.
This is dirty money
you give me.
Just give me some more of
the dirty money, right?
Just between us,
I'm not as liquid as I would prefer.
Well, hell,
neither am I!
Look, I'll be your muscle,
Mr. Halen, but not on credit.
Muscle? Huh.
You boston cream doughnut
of a man.
You'll do what I say
when I say where I say.
And you'll get paid
when I choose to pay you.
Clear the room.
Come on!
Git! Have a good weekend!
Denny, no!
- Blows my mind!
- Thank you, Denny.
We'll settle up
next week.
Yep, kink in the payroll.
Unlike some people,
I get it!
Hey, uh, did you hear anything
else about our checks...
It's a kink
in the payroll system!
You think
you're the only one this affects?!
Hey, daddy!
What are you doing here today?
Yeah, you usually ghost us
on the weekends.
I know!
But how in the hell
am I supposed to spend
my weekend dranking
if I don't get paid?!
And what am I supposed to tell
all them folks
at the liquor store, huh?
Hell,
they depend upon me!
I've got mouths to quench.
One mouth. My mouth!
Daddy, where you takin'
that stove?
To the goddamn pawn shop,
I guess!
I need a son of a bitchin'
drank.
Well, it looks like
someone's on the take.
- Nice work, detective.
- You better keep your head
on a swivel, little man,
'cause the minute
you take
that flak jacket off,
you're in for
a world of hurt.
...You're in
for a world of hurt.
Hmm, internal affairs might
be interested to hear this.
And you run
internal affairs.
Well,
isn't that convenient.
You appointed me 'cause your ass
was too lazy to do it.
I had enough
on my plate
doing my illegal side hustle
for mr. Halen!
...Doing my illegal
side hustle for mr. Halen.
Well, I got a tape recorder,
too, tough guy.
...Doing my illegal
side hustle for mr. Halen.
Damn it,
it's my word against mine!
I'm screwed!
Huh. An eviction notice?
This is Mr. Halen's house.
Looks like he ain't been paying
his rent, either.
I mean... It's a kink
in the payroll system, right?
That's what he told you?
What did he pay you
to beat my brains in?
A valentine's card?
Yeah. Look.
Mine plays music.
The only kink
in that payroll system
is there ain't no money
in it.
Come on, let's go do some
legitimate work for once.
What do you mean
I'm not big enough to not fail?
I just skirted under
the not fail-able line?
I mailed the payment.
Did you not receive it?
Well, in that case,
I rescind my wish of happy valentine's day!
Now who's a hot fudge sundae
in a suit?
Ow, ow!
Hombres, vamanos!
Tomalo todo!
This property and everything
in it now belongs to the bank!
Por favor, no!
Don't drag the obelisk.
At least put a slider under it!
Be careful with that lamp!
Show some respect,
that was once a man!
That's a mythological
creature!
I purchased that former
NBA All-star Allen Iverson!
Kink in the payroll, huh?
You know what,
just go ahead.
Take it all,
they're just possessions.
I can buy them again,
just as I bought you!
Well... well,
we're not for sale.
Anymore.
Everyone has a price.
And yours was less than his,
by my reckoning.
How much did you get?
Please, let's not
talk about this.
It just makes it weird,
man.
You think this is the first time
I've been down?
I'll be back.
I am a winner!
No, not the window!
The door was open!
Ohh, what were you thinking?
I should have stuck to
my core business...
Tape, mud, and gypsum.
The basics!
But no,
you had to have more.
And now you don't have
a pot to piss in.
That's a nice story.
20 bucks, sugar.
Send the invoice to melissa.
We pay in net 30.
Net 60 for you,
though you're a new vendor.
Ellis!
Wait, wait, wait!
Here, take this lamp.
And why don't you
plug it in,
maybe shed a little light
on the mistakes
that led you to shed
your clothes for a living!
Whoa, hold on now, Ellis.
This oughta cover it.
Oh, thank you, baby.
And some of that
fancy-ass party liquor
with the gold flakes
in it.
We'll have that.
How do you have money?
I pawned my family's cast-iron
stove so I could get toe up.
I'm a big wheel tonight!
Yes, I remember
how that felt.
But the wheels have completely
fallen off for me.
Oh, you'll be back.
Once you figure out
that kink in the payroll...
There is no kink
in the payroll system.
My business has cratered.
Dan, I know
what you goin' through.
It don't feel good
to be stretched thin.
Oww! Oooh!
Damn, this hurts.
No, it do not feel good
to be stretched thin.
Let go, Ellis!
Ow, God!
Here, this liquid
will make you feel better.
It plays a magic trick
on your mind-brain.
Go ahead,
guzzle it down.
Hell yeah!
Come on! Let's beat the shit
out of somebody!
Whoa!
Hold up now, chicken-dog!
Hey, daddy,
ain't this your boss man?
Used to be.
Flip him over so he don't
choke on his own regergitant.
Is that a griffin?
Griffin meat's good meat.
Don't you touch
this man's ride!
That's all he's got left
in this world.
Aww.
Hey, mr. Halen.
Hey, boy! Wake up!
Git you some breakfast.
Wakey, wakey,
paint's a-flaky!
I like peeling it off
in long strips.
Like flatbread.
You'd think eggshell would be tastier,
bein' named for a food.
But that's marketing
for ya.
You started on the new section
without me?
Where the hell's
your manners?
Can I...
get a ride into town?
I'll give you a ride!
I'll give you the ride
of your damn life!
Whoo! Whoo!
Wha-ha-hooooo!
Hell yeah, bay-bay!
Come on!
Belt ya out a whoo, Dan!
It's short for "whoo-hoo!"
whoo!
- Are we going anywhere?
- This is it.
The journey is the destination,
as they say.
Yes, they say that
to dumb people.
So we're going to drive in these
circular shapes all day?
Pfff, I ain't got enough gas
for all day.
Well, okay.
It's no wonder you've never
left your mark on the world.
Oh, I've left my mark
on this world.
That there's my mark
right there.
"Push butt."
oh, oh. Hold on.
Hold on now.
A muse is a-callin' me.
"Pu butt!"
'Cause poo comes out of
the butthole!
I just plushed
this son of a bitch!
Yes, you'll be remembered in the
history books.
Well, just what kind of
cool shit have you ever done?
I don't have to
scratch my letters
into a hand warmer
with a buck knife!
My letters are embossed
in 20-foot-high solid br...
Oh, my God!
I had
hundreds of employees.
The largest building
in all of appalachia!
I owned this town
and all of those within it.
But it was all a mirage,
a facade propped up
by shady junk bonds.
Sure, I cut corners
to make it work... who doesn't!
But every year we had to
make our sheetrock
thinner and thinner
to make the knot,
until those paper-thin walls
came crashing!
Stop spinning, you moron!
I'm pouring out
my soul here!
Hey, can I have me this here
spinny business chair?
So, you're back to
square one.
Square one ain't too bad.
Me? I never left
square one.
I was born here,
I lived my whole life here,
and I'll die here within
the next 6 to 12 months
because of something badass
I'm gonna do
involving a roman candle
and my butthole.
It's the simple things,
Dan.
I got land, I got the sun,
the wind.
And...
I got me
a big letter, too!
This is
the early building now!
Hell yeah!
You know what,
you're right.
It's about
the simple things.
I see it now.
I see it now!
Whoo!
Wa-hoo!
The journey
is the destination!
Whoo!
That's right!
That's the lesson
I've been teachin'.
Whoo-hoo, I say!
Ow!
Aw, shit.
I done throwed the caster.
I need to get me some off-road
tires for this son of a bitch.
Wee! Wee! Wee!
What the hell?
Daddy, you gon' wanna
see this.
You were right, early.
It's the simple things.
It's not about
owning possessions.
- It's about leasing!
- What the hell!
You have the land,
the sun, the wind.
I'm just leasing it
as a third-party broker!
No! Get this tree huggin'
bull off of my land!
Hell,
I didn't sign nothin'!
Oh, you don't own it.
She does.
We've arranged
a barter situation.
Mmm, griffin meat's
good meat.
Goons, clear the room.
But this is a porch!
Ow!
A... and it's private property!
Tell it to my muscle.
You hear that Denny?
He called me muscle.
And I'm back!
Whoo-hoo!
Sync corrections by srjanapala
Whoo, this one made in
georgia, baby!
Season 12 Episode 05 (TV release: S12E06)
Episode Title:
"Rich Dan, Poor Dan"
♪ All my hopes and my dreams
have been buried ♪
♪ Oh, sometimes I wish the sun
would explode ♪
♪ Oh, when my God calls me to
heaven ♪
♪ Whoo, lawd, I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ Yeah, let her blow ♪
♪ Let her blow ♪
♪ Let her blow, let her blow,
let her blow ♪
Hey, man, let me play that thing,
come on!
Do not touch the trim!
Payday baby!
- Money! Hell yeah! Whoo!
- Thanks, brody.
"Have a great weekend.
See you Monday"?
What the hell?
Relax, you'll get your paychecks,
just not today.
You see, we're experiencing a
kink in the new payroll system.
Uhh, for the third payroll
period in a row?
Ooh!
It's just a question!
This is an informational
meeting, not a q&a.
Okay, so everyone have
a dynamite weekend
and we'll see you all
bright and early Monday morning.
Clear the room.
Alright, y'all heard him,
now get on out of here!
- Git on!
- Okay, I'm going.
Have a good weekend!
Just blows my mind,
the lack of patience.
You've supported these people
for how many years?
Uhh, this one-act play
is tiresome.
Over the table?
Well, that's a nice change.
"I'm so glad
we're friends."
me, too, mr. Halen,
but, uh, where's the money?
You know,
kink in the payroll system.
You heard me
explain it before.
But I'm not on the payroll,
I'm on the take.
This is dirty money
you give me.
Just give me some more of
the dirty money, right?
Just between us,
I'm not as liquid as I would prefer.
Well, hell,
neither am I!
Look, I'll be your muscle,
Mr. Halen, but not on credit.
Muscle? Huh.
You boston cream doughnut
of a man.
You'll do what I say
when I say where I say.
And you'll get paid
when I choose to pay you.
Clear the room.
Come on!
Git! Have a good weekend!
Denny, no!
- Blows my mind!
- Thank you, Denny.
We'll settle up
next week.
Yep, kink in the payroll.
Unlike some people,
I get it!
Hey, uh, did you hear anything
else about our checks...
It's a kink
in the payroll system!
You think
you're the only one this affects?!
Hey, daddy!
What are you doing here today?
Yeah, you usually ghost us
on the weekends.
I know!
But how in the hell
am I supposed to spend
my weekend dranking
if I don't get paid?!
And what am I supposed to tell
all them folks
at the liquor store, huh?
Hell,
they depend upon me!
I've got mouths to quench.
One mouth. My mouth!
Daddy, where you takin'
that stove?
To the goddamn pawn shop,
I guess!
I need a son of a bitchin'
drank.
Well, it looks like
someone's on the take.
- Nice work, detective.
- You better keep your head
on a swivel, little man,
'cause the minute
you take
that flak jacket off,
you're in for
a world of hurt.
...You're in
for a world of hurt.
Hmm, internal affairs might
be interested to hear this.
And you run
internal affairs.
Well,
isn't that convenient.
You appointed me 'cause your ass
was too lazy to do it.
I had enough
on my plate
doing my illegal side hustle
for mr. Halen!
...Doing my illegal
side hustle for mr. Halen.
Well, I got a tape recorder,
too, tough guy.
...Doing my illegal
side hustle for mr. Halen.
Damn it,
it's my word against mine!
I'm screwed!
Huh. An eviction notice?
This is Mr. Halen's house.
Looks like he ain't been paying
his rent, either.
I mean... It's a kink
in the payroll system, right?
That's what he told you?
What did he pay you
to beat my brains in?
A valentine's card?
Yeah. Look.
Mine plays music.
The only kink
in that payroll system
is there ain't no money
in it.
Come on, let's go do some
legitimate work for once.
What do you mean
I'm not big enough to not fail?
I just skirted under
the not fail-able line?
I mailed the payment.
Did you not receive it?
Well, in that case,
I rescind my wish of happy valentine's day!
Now who's a hot fudge sundae
in a suit?
Ow, ow!
Hombres, vamanos!
Tomalo todo!
This property and everything
in it now belongs to the bank!
Por favor, no!
Don't drag the obelisk.
At least put a slider under it!
Be careful with that lamp!
Show some respect,
that was once a man!
That's a mythological
creature!
I purchased that former
NBA All-star Allen Iverson!
Kink in the payroll, huh?
You know what,
just go ahead.
Take it all,
they're just possessions.
I can buy them again,
just as I bought you!
Well... well,
we're not for sale.
Anymore.
Everyone has a price.
And yours was less than his,
by my reckoning.
How much did you get?
Please, let's not
talk about this.
It just makes it weird,
man.
You think this is the first time
I've been down?
I'll be back.
I am a winner!
No, not the window!
The door was open!
Ohh, what were you thinking?
I should have stuck to
my core business...
Tape, mud, and gypsum.
The basics!
But no,
you had to have more.
And now you don't have
a pot to piss in.
That's a nice story.
20 bucks, sugar.
Send the invoice to melissa.
We pay in net 30.
Net 60 for you,
though you're a new vendor.
Ellis!
Wait, wait, wait!
Here, take this lamp.
And why don't you
plug it in,
maybe shed a little light
on the mistakes
that led you to shed
your clothes for a living!
Whoa, hold on now, Ellis.
This oughta cover it.
Oh, thank you, baby.
And some of that
fancy-ass party liquor
with the gold flakes
in it.
We'll have that.
How do you have money?
I pawned my family's cast-iron
stove so I could get toe up.
I'm a big wheel tonight!
Yes, I remember
how that felt.
But the wheels have completely
fallen off for me.
Oh, you'll be back.
Once you figure out
that kink in the payroll...
There is no kink
in the payroll system.
My business has cratered.
Dan, I know
what you goin' through.
It don't feel good
to be stretched thin.
Oww! Oooh!
Damn, this hurts.
No, it do not feel good
to be stretched thin.
Let go, Ellis!
Ow, God!
Here, this liquid
will make you feel better.
It plays a magic trick
on your mind-brain.
Go ahead,
guzzle it down.
Hell yeah!
Come on! Let's beat the shit
out of somebody!
Whoa!
Hold up now, chicken-dog!
Hey, daddy,
ain't this your boss man?
Used to be.
Flip him over so he don't
choke on his own regergitant.
Is that a griffin?
Griffin meat's good meat.
Don't you touch
this man's ride!
That's all he's got left
in this world.
Aww.
Hey, mr. Halen.
Hey, boy! Wake up!
Git you some breakfast.
Wakey, wakey,
paint's a-flaky!
I like peeling it off
in long strips.
Like flatbread.
You'd think eggshell would be tastier,
bein' named for a food.
But that's marketing
for ya.
You started on the new section
without me?
Where the hell's
your manners?
Can I...
get a ride into town?
I'll give you a ride!
I'll give you the ride
of your damn life!
Whoo! Whoo!
Wha-ha-hooooo!
Hell yeah, bay-bay!
Come on!
Belt ya out a whoo, Dan!
It's short for "whoo-hoo!"
whoo!
- Are we going anywhere?
- This is it.
The journey is the destination,
as they say.
Yes, they say that
to dumb people.
So we're going to drive in these
circular shapes all day?
Pfff, I ain't got enough gas
for all day.
Well, okay.
It's no wonder you've never
left your mark on the world.
Oh, I've left my mark
on this world.
That there's my mark
right there.
"Push butt."
oh, oh. Hold on.
Hold on now.
A muse is a-callin' me.
"Pu butt!"
'Cause poo comes out of
the butthole!
I just plushed
this son of a bitch!
Yes, you'll be remembered in the
history books.
Well, just what kind of
cool shit have you ever done?
I don't have to
scratch my letters
into a hand warmer
with a buck knife!
My letters are embossed
in 20-foot-high solid br...
Oh, my God!
I had
hundreds of employees.
The largest building
in all of appalachia!
I owned this town
and all of those within it.
But it was all a mirage,
a facade propped up
by shady junk bonds.
Sure, I cut corners
to make it work... who doesn't!
But every year we had to
make our sheetrock
thinner and thinner
to make the knot,
until those paper-thin walls
came crashing!
Stop spinning, you moron!
I'm pouring out
my soul here!
Hey, can I have me this here
spinny business chair?
So, you're back to
square one.
Square one ain't too bad.
Me? I never left
square one.
I was born here,
I lived my whole life here,
and I'll die here within
the next 6 to 12 months
because of something badass
I'm gonna do
involving a roman candle
and my butthole.
It's the simple things,
Dan.
I got land, I got the sun,
the wind.
And...
I got me
a big letter, too!
This is
the early building now!
Hell yeah!
You know what,
you're right.
It's about
the simple things.
I see it now.
I see it now!
Whoo!
Wa-hoo!
The journey
is the destination!
Whoo!
That's right!
That's the lesson
I've been teachin'.
Whoo-hoo, I say!
Ow!
Aw, shit.
I done throwed the caster.
I need to get me some off-road
tires for this son of a bitch.
Wee! Wee! Wee!
What the hell?
Daddy, you gon' wanna
see this.
You were right, early.
It's the simple things.
It's not about
owning possessions.
- It's about leasing!
- What the hell!
You have the land,
the sun, the wind.
I'm just leasing it
as a third-party broker!
No! Get this tree huggin'
bull off of my land!
Hell,
I didn't sign nothin'!
Oh, you don't own it.
She does.
We've arranged
a barter situation.
Mmm, griffin meat's
good meat.
Goons, clear the room.
But this is a porch!
Ow!
A... and it's private property!
Tell it to my muscle.
You hear that Denny?
He called me muscle.
And I'm back!
Whoo-hoo!
Sync corrections by srjanapala
Whoo, this one made in
georgia, baby!