Squidbillies (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 4 - The Reenactment of the Repulsion of the Siege of Cuyler Mountain - full transcript
Early finds a priceless civil war relic and sells it for the right price.
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish that sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes to carry me
to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
- ♪ Let it blow ♪
- My turn.
Hell no.
Hey, man, let me drive
- that thing, come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 12 Episode 04
TV release: S12E05
What the hell
you doin'?
Well, I'm... I'm dumping
garbage in the garbage ditch.
The garbage ditch?!
No!
I done told you
you separate the glass
and your plastics
and you dump those
- in the recycling ditch.
- Like this?
Then you pour used
motor oil on these
car batteries,
and that's how you set it on fire.
Then the smoke rises
up to the sky
where Jesus turns it into
white, fluffy clouds.
So that's how
recycling works?
Well, it takes
a few extra steps,
but it's the right
thing to do.
What the hell is this?
Ooh! It's one of
them jade eggs
you put up
your vajayjay.
It's for
a spiritual detox.
Oh!
Give me that!
This here is
an authentic cannonball
from the war betweenst
the states.
I guess sherman
must have dropped it
on his March
to burn up atlanta.
Atlanta didn't
never burn!
Atlanta was a false flag
operation,
and Abraham Lincoln
was a crisis actor.
We stopped ol' sherman
dead in his tracks right here!
The repulsion of the siege
of cuyler mountain.
My great-grandaddy,
your step-brother,
Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler,
single-handedly defended
this mountain
from a union brigade
for two straight days
using nothing but one single
solitary cannonball.
Didn't even
have a cannon.
Are you saying that this could
be that very cannonball?
The one and the same!
Come on!
This is a priceless relic
of the confederacy!
Oh, we gonna donate it
to the museum or somethin'?
Nope.
- Die, yankee!
- Whoo!
The south's
gonna rise again!
- Hey!
- Whoo!
That's my car, early.
Hell, I know.
We staging a reenactment.
Your car is the yankees,
and it ain't going
well for y'all.
Rusty, get away
from that projectile.
Aw, it ain't
gonna blow up.
I been trying to explode
this damn thing all morning.
Early! Hmm.
Looks like a six-inch bore.
Feels like, hmm...
About 18 pounds.
This ordinance
is worth some money.
Well, we ain't
sellin' it.
Daddy says this cannonball
is priceless.
Hold on, shut up.
What kind of price
you talkin' 'bout?
My buddy ollie buys
and sells relics like these.
He's an expert on the civil war
and a super-cool guy.
Sharif! What are you
thinkin' bringin'
a potentially
explosive ordinance
to my civil war
replica booth?
You want to blow my priceless
inventory sky-high?
oh, my lord!
Early!
Don't do that again.
Talkin' about
it's just a dud.
How much you
give me for it?
Stand back, everyone.
I see a dewy field.
This is
my favorite part.
Early morning, 1864,
a low fog hangs over the valley.
The tension can be cut
with the blade of a bayonet,
and it'll need to be,
as gunpowder
is in dangerously short supply.
The soldiers are merely boys
striving to become men,
but many of them will greet the
sunset as corpses on this day.
And I've lost it.
I can't see any more.
Sharif, set up
the podcast equipment.
All right.
We need to get out
the episode right now.
I'm sorry, ollie,
I think I left the windscreen
back at the house.
Fine. We'll just pop our p's
straight into the laptop
like a couple
of amateurs!
You're the most
pitiful producer!
What do you
even provide?
Damn, sheriff, you gonna let him
talk to you like that?
Just whose bitch are you,
his or mine?
Uh, I brought you a guest.
I mean, early here found
this cannonball.
We could have him on.
Yep.
Oh!
The bloodiest battle
of the civil war
was fought on my land
with this very ball.
Oh, that's funny,
'cause I always thought
chickamauga
was the bloodiest.
But what would I know?
I'm only the author of three
self-published
e-books on the subject.
And three, two...
Whoo, a rebel yell
and a hi-howdy-do, guys!
Welcome to the podcast
of northern aggression.
I'm your host,
oliver peppercorn,
I'm poppin' my p's
all over the place, sharif.
- Who do I have with me today?
- Um...
- Closer to the mic.
- Uh...
My name's
earlan jubal stonewall cuyler,
and this here is
my world-famous cannonball...
The sherman slayer.
Yeah, yeah.
Closer, early.
My great-grandaddy held off
all of sherman's army
for two whole months
in the dead of winter.
He killed 150 mans with this
single cannonball,
and he'd climb up
in the tree
and drop it on their heads
like a big ol' coconut!
Even old bill sherman hisself
- couldn't stop it.
- Hey, you get down from there. Oh!
Well, that sounds
like a blatant lie.
But your ordinance
appears to be authentic.
But some pockmarks
and the aging,
I suppose I could tender...
$10 for it.
Why, that's
a $50 ball, oliver.
And there we go!
Watch as my profit margin sinks
like the merrimack.
Every time you speak, sharif,
it costs me money.
- Wha-hoo!
- Hell yeah!
We gonna find us
some more money balls
right where that
one come from.
Man, you told me there's
just... just one ball.
You think my great-grandaddy
took out a whole army
with just
one damn ball?
Hell no!
He had a whole sumbitchin'
arsenal of balls.
Well, he had one
magic ball
that would hit people
in the head...
...and return back to him
just like a boomerang.
He could shake that thing,
and it had a little window
in it that would pop up
and tell him
where the opposing
troops was.
Our land is chock full
of them $50 balls,
and we gonna find
every last one of 'em!
All right, granny!
Aah!
Sift through this dirt and try
to find some more cannonballs.
I don't see none.
Well, keep looking!
Hell, I know they're here,
'cause I said so!
Good news, y'all!
Ollie investigated
the repulsion
of the siege
of cuyler mountain,
and he feels like
there's something to it.
Yes, there was
a certain incident
that merits re-enactment.
I told you, didn't I?
This here is where ol'
sherman met his maker.
Lincoln, too...
Probably.
And we'll cover the whole
enchilada live on the podcast.
We also done and found
some more priceless relics,
so we can sell 'em
for the right prices.
This here is
an authentic plastic
mountain dew bottle
from 1865.
And this here is
robert e. Lee's personal...
...Tree root.
I appraise all of it
at say...
$50, like you done
for the ball.
No, thank you.
I'm just here
to stage a historically
accurate version of
"your little battle."
why you do that with
your fingers like that?
Whoo-hoo! A rebel yell
and a hi-howdy-do, guys.
Welcome to the podcast
of northern aggression's
live re-enactment of
the "siege of cuyler mountain."
gimme that!
And be sure to come by
my munitions depot
afterwards to purchase some
authentic civil war cannonballs!
They come in historically
accurate weights,
sizes, and colors.
Damn, that's good.
That explains the
smash-and-grab
at the bowling alley
last night.
Keep your
face down, denny!
Ollie will tear
you a new one
if he sees his corpses out here
chit-chatting like this.
dead soldier,
shut your yap hole.
Give me some smoke.
Need to set the mood.
Oh, okay, I got it.
A yankee rout has scattered
the confederate battalion
to the winds.
Dead bodies of brave men
litter the grounds.
A lone, eight-legged
figure emerges
from a rotted tree trunk.
This is
jefferson beauxregard cuyler.
- Whoo!
- To the north, the enemy waits,
which is why
jefferson beauxregard cuyler
turns tail to head south,
halting only to abscond with
a cannonball for personal gain.
This cast-iron ball
should fetch a pretty penny.
And I'll sell in town
and spend my two bits
on a lady of ill repute,
filling her with my
crippling gonorrhea.
Oh, I call bullshit!
Ain't no cuyler gonna
disclose that he had
the damn gonorrhea.
It's true.
They don't tell you
till afterwards.
Please don't
interrupt the flow.
Thank you.
Young jefferson rolled the ball
for two days straight,
all the way
from lexington.
Pshaw.
I sure have built up
a mighty hankering
for food now.
He opened his rucksack
and looked through
his meager rations,
but there was no salted
pork, no hardtack.
Perhaps this coat will make
for a mighty lean broth.
And so, being
an uneducated rube,
he boiled the coat
in muddy creek water,
making for a thin
nutritionalist gruel
which he called
rebel broth.
That's a secret family recipe
you're giving out!
He needed his strength
to kill ol' sherman with
the one cannonball,
like I done and told ya!
Get on to that part!
Unfortunately, the lead
from the coat buttons
leeched into jefferson's mind
And his body.
And his final hours were spent
hallucinating that he was
rififi,
queen of the birds,
trying to hatch
and eggling.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
I am rififi,
queen of all birds!
Hatch forth, my prince!
That didn't happen!
I have the diaries!
Jefferson expired from
a combination of lead poisoning
and an easily-curable infection
gotten from self-pleasuring
with a poison sumac leaf.
A less dignified death
could not be imagined.
The end.
thank y'all.
- Yeah, thank y'all.
- Oh, no!
Whoa, whoa, hold it!
Hold it!
You skipped the scene
where he fights off
an entire union battalion
for two damn months
in the dead of winter.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We didn't do that scene
because that didn't happen!
- What the hell?!
- Wait a minute!
You... you had us
get all dressed up
in period-specific
costumes
just to lay face-down
in a damn mud puddle?
Stop flapping
your gums, sharif,
you're still
a corpse, remember?
Boom! That there
is how it went down!
Boom! Boom!
Hey, sheriff, people need
to see the truth!
Yeah, that sounds
like more fun.
- Yeah, let's do this one.
- Hell yeah!
- I'm down with that.
- Bam!
Ping, pow!
Yeah.
All right,
help me down on this.
This is not
how it happened, y'all!
Ow, sharif!
Stand down, soldier.
Yeah, the truth hurts,
don't it, ollie?
You're off
the podcast, sharif.
And give me back my ball.
I paid $50 for that.
Oh, I'll give you
your ball back.
Fire!
oh, my lord!
You're lucky
this ball is...
Wow.
Whoa.
We just saw
a dude die.
Here, taste this.
Um...
It needs
a little more coat.
Yeah, rebel broth ain't
no good without wool coat.
Well, you can take
my coat,
'cause I'm done
with the civil war.
And I'm done
with ollie.
The podcast is over.
When is this supposed
to kick in?
Yeah, I think
I'm feelin' somethin'.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
she's tweaking!
- Ca-caw!
- Ca-caw!
Caw, caw!
I feel it, too!
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish that sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes to carry me
to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
- ♪ Let it blow ♪
- My turn.
Hell no.
Hey, man, let me drive
- that thing, come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 12 Episode 04
TV release: S12E05
What the hell
you doin'?
Well, I'm... I'm dumping
garbage in the garbage ditch.
The garbage ditch?!
No!
I done told you
you separate the glass
and your plastics
and you dump those
- in the recycling ditch.
- Like this?
Then you pour used
motor oil on these
car batteries,
and that's how you set it on fire.
Then the smoke rises
up to the sky
where Jesus turns it into
white, fluffy clouds.
So that's how
recycling works?
Well, it takes
a few extra steps,
but it's the right
thing to do.
What the hell is this?
Ooh! It's one of
them jade eggs
you put up
your vajayjay.
It's for
a spiritual detox.
Oh!
Give me that!
This here is
an authentic cannonball
from the war betweenst
the states.
I guess sherman
must have dropped it
on his March
to burn up atlanta.
Atlanta didn't
never burn!
Atlanta was a false flag
operation,
and Abraham Lincoln
was a crisis actor.
We stopped ol' sherman
dead in his tracks right here!
The repulsion of the siege
of cuyler mountain.
My great-grandaddy,
your step-brother,
Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler,
single-handedly defended
this mountain
from a union brigade
for two straight days
using nothing but one single
solitary cannonball.
Didn't even
have a cannon.
Are you saying that this could
be that very cannonball?
The one and the same!
Come on!
This is a priceless relic
of the confederacy!
Oh, we gonna donate it
to the museum or somethin'?
Nope.
- Die, yankee!
- Whoo!
The south's
gonna rise again!
- Hey!
- Whoo!
That's my car, early.
Hell, I know.
We staging a reenactment.
Your car is the yankees,
and it ain't going
well for y'all.
Rusty, get away
from that projectile.
Aw, it ain't
gonna blow up.
I been trying to explode
this damn thing all morning.
Early! Hmm.
Looks like a six-inch bore.
Feels like, hmm...
About 18 pounds.
This ordinance
is worth some money.
Well, we ain't
sellin' it.
Daddy says this cannonball
is priceless.
Hold on, shut up.
What kind of price
you talkin' 'bout?
My buddy ollie buys
and sells relics like these.
He's an expert on the civil war
and a super-cool guy.
Sharif! What are you
thinkin' bringin'
a potentially
explosive ordinance
to my civil war
replica booth?
You want to blow my priceless
inventory sky-high?
oh, my lord!
Early!
Don't do that again.
Talkin' about
it's just a dud.
How much you
give me for it?
Stand back, everyone.
I see a dewy field.
This is
my favorite part.
Early morning, 1864,
a low fog hangs over the valley.
The tension can be cut
with the blade of a bayonet,
and it'll need to be,
as gunpowder
is in dangerously short supply.
The soldiers are merely boys
striving to become men,
but many of them will greet the
sunset as corpses on this day.
And I've lost it.
I can't see any more.
Sharif, set up
the podcast equipment.
All right.
We need to get out
the episode right now.
I'm sorry, ollie,
I think I left the windscreen
back at the house.
Fine. We'll just pop our p's
straight into the laptop
like a couple
of amateurs!
You're the most
pitiful producer!
What do you
even provide?
Damn, sheriff, you gonna let him
talk to you like that?
Just whose bitch are you,
his or mine?
Uh, I brought you a guest.
I mean, early here found
this cannonball.
We could have him on.
Yep.
Oh!
The bloodiest battle
of the civil war
was fought on my land
with this very ball.
Oh, that's funny,
'cause I always thought
chickamauga
was the bloodiest.
But what would I know?
I'm only the author of three
self-published
e-books on the subject.
And three, two...
Whoo, a rebel yell
and a hi-howdy-do, guys!
Welcome to the podcast
of northern aggression.
I'm your host,
oliver peppercorn,
I'm poppin' my p's
all over the place, sharif.
- Who do I have with me today?
- Um...
- Closer to the mic.
- Uh...
My name's
earlan jubal stonewall cuyler,
and this here is
my world-famous cannonball...
The sherman slayer.
Yeah, yeah.
Closer, early.
My great-grandaddy held off
all of sherman's army
for two whole months
in the dead of winter.
He killed 150 mans with this
single cannonball,
and he'd climb up
in the tree
and drop it on their heads
like a big ol' coconut!
Even old bill sherman hisself
- couldn't stop it.
- Hey, you get down from there. Oh!
Well, that sounds
like a blatant lie.
But your ordinance
appears to be authentic.
But some pockmarks
and the aging,
I suppose I could tender...
$10 for it.
Why, that's
a $50 ball, oliver.
And there we go!
Watch as my profit margin sinks
like the merrimack.
Every time you speak, sharif,
it costs me money.
- Wha-hoo!
- Hell yeah!
We gonna find us
some more money balls
right where that
one come from.
Man, you told me there's
just... just one ball.
You think my great-grandaddy
took out a whole army
with just
one damn ball?
Hell no!
He had a whole sumbitchin'
arsenal of balls.
Well, he had one
magic ball
that would hit people
in the head...
...and return back to him
just like a boomerang.
He could shake that thing,
and it had a little window
in it that would pop up
and tell him
where the opposing
troops was.
Our land is chock full
of them $50 balls,
and we gonna find
every last one of 'em!
All right, granny!
Aah!
Sift through this dirt and try
to find some more cannonballs.
I don't see none.
Well, keep looking!
Hell, I know they're here,
'cause I said so!
Good news, y'all!
Ollie investigated
the repulsion
of the siege
of cuyler mountain,
and he feels like
there's something to it.
Yes, there was
a certain incident
that merits re-enactment.
I told you, didn't I?
This here is where ol'
sherman met his maker.
Lincoln, too...
Probably.
And we'll cover the whole
enchilada live on the podcast.
We also done and found
some more priceless relics,
so we can sell 'em
for the right prices.
This here is
an authentic plastic
mountain dew bottle
from 1865.
And this here is
robert e. Lee's personal...
...Tree root.
I appraise all of it
at say...
$50, like you done
for the ball.
No, thank you.
I'm just here
to stage a historically
accurate version of
"your little battle."
why you do that with
your fingers like that?
Whoo-hoo! A rebel yell
and a hi-howdy-do, guys.
Welcome to the podcast
of northern aggression's
live re-enactment of
the "siege of cuyler mountain."
gimme that!
And be sure to come by
my munitions depot
afterwards to purchase some
authentic civil war cannonballs!
They come in historically
accurate weights,
sizes, and colors.
Damn, that's good.
That explains the
smash-and-grab
at the bowling alley
last night.
Keep your
face down, denny!
Ollie will tear
you a new one
if he sees his corpses out here
chit-chatting like this.
dead soldier,
shut your yap hole.
Give me some smoke.
Need to set the mood.
Oh, okay, I got it.
A yankee rout has scattered
the confederate battalion
to the winds.
Dead bodies of brave men
litter the grounds.
A lone, eight-legged
figure emerges
from a rotted tree trunk.
This is
jefferson beauxregard cuyler.
- Whoo!
- To the north, the enemy waits,
which is why
jefferson beauxregard cuyler
turns tail to head south,
halting only to abscond with
a cannonball for personal gain.
This cast-iron ball
should fetch a pretty penny.
And I'll sell in town
and spend my two bits
on a lady of ill repute,
filling her with my
crippling gonorrhea.
Oh, I call bullshit!
Ain't no cuyler gonna
disclose that he had
the damn gonorrhea.
It's true.
They don't tell you
till afterwards.
Please don't
interrupt the flow.
Thank you.
Young jefferson rolled the ball
for two days straight,
all the way
from lexington.
Pshaw.
I sure have built up
a mighty hankering
for food now.
He opened his rucksack
and looked through
his meager rations,
but there was no salted
pork, no hardtack.
Perhaps this coat will make
for a mighty lean broth.
And so, being
an uneducated rube,
he boiled the coat
in muddy creek water,
making for a thin
nutritionalist gruel
which he called
rebel broth.
That's a secret family recipe
you're giving out!
He needed his strength
to kill ol' sherman with
the one cannonball,
like I done and told ya!
Get on to that part!
Unfortunately, the lead
from the coat buttons
leeched into jefferson's mind
And his body.
And his final hours were spent
hallucinating that he was
rififi,
queen of the birds,
trying to hatch
and eggling.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
I am rififi,
queen of all birds!
Hatch forth, my prince!
That didn't happen!
I have the diaries!
Jefferson expired from
a combination of lead poisoning
and an easily-curable infection
gotten from self-pleasuring
with a poison sumac leaf.
A less dignified death
could not be imagined.
The end.
thank y'all.
- Yeah, thank y'all.
- Oh, no!
Whoa, whoa, hold it!
Hold it!
You skipped the scene
where he fights off
an entire union battalion
for two damn months
in the dead of winter.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We didn't do that scene
because that didn't happen!
- What the hell?!
- Wait a minute!
You... you had us
get all dressed up
in period-specific
costumes
just to lay face-down
in a damn mud puddle?
Stop flapping
your gums, sharif,
you're still
a corpse, remember?
Boom! That there
is how it went down!
Boom! Boom!
Hey, sheriff, people need
to see the truth!
Yeah, that sounds
like more fun.
- Yeah, let's do this one.
- Hell yeah!
- I'm down with that.
- Bam!
Ping, pow!
Yeah.
All right,
help me down on this.
This is not
how it happened, y'all!
Ow, sharif!
Stand down, soldier.
Yeah, the truth hurts,
don't it, ollie?
You're off
the podcast, sharif.
And give me back my ball.
I paid $50 for that.
Oh, I'll give you
your ball back.
Fire!
oh, my lord!
You're lucky
this ball is...
Wow.
Whoa.
We just saw
a dude die.
Here, taste this.
Um...
It needs
a little more coat.
Yeah, rebel broth ain't
no good without wool coat.
Well, you can take
my coat,
'cause I'm done
with the civil war.
And I'm done
with ollie.
The podcast is over.
When is this supposed
to kick in?
Yeah, I think
I'm feelin' somethin'.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
she's tweaking!
- Ca-caw!
- Ca-caw!
Caw, caw!
I feel it, too!