Spy (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Codename: Bookclub - full transcript

I'm just asking to spend
a little more time with him.

Is that unreasonable?

Would you stop whining?

But why can't I join
your book club?

You thought Nabokov played
left-back for Chelsea.

Well, I was joking.

I thought you're being
a little unfair, Marcus.

Philip would have
known the answer.

Really don't want to
hear about Philip.

No offense, Philip.

Don't worry about me, bro.



Are you sure everything's
alright, Philip?

Why do you ask?

You do seem a little tense.

- You're embarrassing yourself, Philip.
- You're not the boss of me.

What's the matter
with you two?

- Nothing.
- Private.

Alright then.

- She keeps me out of bedroom.
- Philip!

- It's been two weeks.
- What did you do?

I just said she reminded me slightly,
slightly of Noel Edmonds.

Yeah. No, she hates that.

- Yeah, but I like Noel Edmonds.
- We're not talking about this here.

I mean can you imagine
what it's like to,

you know, go without
for two whole weeks?



- Yeah.
- No.

But I can't
take it anymore.

- I'm a very sexual person.
- Wow, thanks for that.

Please take me back, my love!

Really don't think
this is the place, Philip.

- This is exactly the place.
- Really?

There's nothing more natural
than talking about sex.

- Not in front of a child, though.
- Especially in front of a child.

No. You know what?
You want to play? Fine.

Let's play, because as of
now I am rejecting you.

So how do you like
them apples?

Boom!

No.

Yeah, way to go, Philip!
Yeah!

And Marcus, as for you
and your lousy book club,

I don't even want to...
No, I do. I really do.

I want to join, please. Can I?

You can join when you demonstrate
you've learned something.

Alright. How hard
can that be?

Who wrote "Bleak House?"

I want to say
Snow Patrol?

Spy 01x04
Codename Book Club

- Tim Elliott.
- Identified.

Useless.

The lie detector.

An invaluable tool
for interrogation.

You have seen in your textbooks that
for the most accurate results

you want to keep your subject
absolutely calm and relaxed.

I disagree!
So what is your name?

Mo-Mo-Moritz Skink.

I don't think so.

Let's try that again, shall we?

Come on, please?

- Please?
- Ssshh!

Please.

What does that even mean,
teach me culture?

You know books and art,
and books.

And why would
I want to do that?

Because you're
intelligent and kind.

Uh-hum.

And I cover all
your overtime.

Go on.

And it would be
your chance to have

complete control over
another human being.

You'd be like
my Eliza Doolittle.

Right, like I'd be able
to talk to animals.

Come on then, I'll do it.

- Yes!
- Yes! He gets it.

So, once gain. What is
the cube root of 216?

Six!

- No!
- It is!

You're lying.

Come in, come in!

- Hi!
- Book... Hi!

- Hi!
- Hello! Hi!

Book club is upstairs.

I would join you but
I'm actually busy tonight.

Yeah, right.

I am.
Get.

- Hello!
- What are you doing here?

Judith's meant
to babysit.

- Colonic.
- Right, of course. Tuesday.

- You're looking cute.
- Thanks.

You smell good too.
Do you mind?

Yeah.

Oh!

- Are you missing Judith?
- No. Not so much.

No? Didn't think so.

Okay, I'm off. If you need
anything just call me.

Will do.

- Oh, and Philip?
- Yep?

Don't have sex
with the furniture!

10-4.

Ma-Marcus?

Marcus, is the Wi-Fi on?

Marcus,
where is the rooter?

Marcus?

Whoa!

Hey, Phil!

Marcus!

- Are you ready for this?
- Yeah. It does seem a bit...

- What?
- very not fun.

Oh, just give it a chance,
you might enjoy it.

Yeah. I'll give it a try.

I don't think you're
going to need that.

No?

Not really
that kind of event.

Yeah, I just.

- Drink?
- Yeah, it'd be great.

You've got to send
them home, right now!

I'm still your headmaster,
I cannot be associated with this!

I thought we could
just take a moment.

Hey, now. Don't you
try to sweet talk me.

As if I would disrespect
you like that.

- I'm hurt.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I just wanted to check in.
See how you're doing.

How are things between
you and Judith?

- Much the same.
- Must be frustrating.

Oh it's, doing okay.

You're strong,
that's why I admire you.

I love her so much.

Let it out big guy.
You'll get about.

Do you think so, really?

Hey, Hey! Who can
resist this face, huh?

Now do you have
a smile for me?

Who am I like?

Oh here's a thought.
Oh, no. No, forget it.

What?

No, no, you
wouldn't be interested.

Marcus, tell me what is it.

I'm not interested in
the tears, princess.

I want fair and square,
and you know it.

Now hand over the chips.

Caching.

Everyone,
your attention, please!

I would like you to welcome
our newest platinum member.

Hello!
I'm Philip.

We use code names, dude!

What would you like
to be called?

- Are you sure?
- Hell yeah!

Everyone, Cheetara.

Nice.

That's enough.

Welcome to book club, Cheetara!
The first rule of book club is?

You do not talk
about book club.

No!

- That would be ridiculous.
- How would you get people to join?

- That's commercial suicide.
- Basic marketing.

I'm so embarrassed right now.

I'm sorry, Marcus.

- There go the code names.
- Oh, come on!

What is wrong
with you today?

I'm sorry. It's just
so much pressure.

Okay, people!
Let's make some money.

You and me, let's go!

Sirens crack
with a liquid spleen,

ash-burned bones
velvet the unctuous chasm.

his heart elliptical yet complete,
empties a wash with furious glee

while alone she weeps a
tearless soliloquy.

Thanks.

- Wasn't that incredible?
- Yeah, oh yeah! Very moving.

- Oh! I saw you.
- What?

- Eyes closed.
- Right.

- Listening hard.
- Yeah, exactly! Listening,

with, with the ears.

Listen I really want to thank you
for bringing me tonight.

I had a great time.

Me too.

What was...

- I should probably get going.
- Yeah, good plan.

I'm sure Marcus is probably
wondering wonder where you are.

Wouldn't bet on it.

You sure you okay
getting home on your own?

I'm carrying a Snubnose 9mm,
so yeah, I like my chances.

Uh hum, yep.

Alright.
Good night!

Good night!

Yeah.

- See you at work!
- Yeah, at work. Excellent.

Hello?

Philip?

Marcus?

And that basically is
quadratic equations.

Hi, Tim!

- Is everything okay?
- Marcus here, good as gold.

- How was the poetry night?
- Fantastic.

- What?
- Loved it.

You just give me a few more days and
I'm going to be ready to join book club.

Yeah well,
let's not be too hasty.

Takes more than a few days
to become a literate.

Yeah, how long?

- It's hard to say.
- Yeah, could be a while.

Okay.

Tim!

- Tim!
- Hmm?

Check it out.
My diner look...

Must everything in
your world be so base?

- Oh, what's your problem?
- No problem.

It's called being cultured.

Ah, yes. Your literally
dates with Caitlin.

- They're not dates.
- They're dates.

No.

We go out, we listen to poetry,
we go home - alone.

I didn't say they
were good dates.

See I'm not like you, Chris.
I'm just interested in the learning.

- Oh right, so you don't like her?
- Of course I like her.

Right, but you
don't fancy her.

Sure, she's pretty.

Specially when she does that thing,
when she smiles, that's really nice.

But you wouldn't
be sad if she,

I don't know canceled
one of your evenings?

No, might be a little disappointed,
but certainly not sad.

Good to know,
'cos she did cancel.

What? Why?
She never s...

- There's nothing on that.
- Ahh! You do like her.

Oh my god, I really do.

- How long have you known this?
- For a quite while, now.

I want to know everything.

- How long have I been feeling this way?
- Pretty much from the start.

Are you saying that
I'm in love with her?

- Maybe.
- This is huge, dude.

Well Tim, luckily for you
you happen to know

the number one
love guru in the district.

Yeah, I can't bother
Mr. Prokesch again.

- I meant me!
- No! Yeah! I'm... Go on.

Okay, well the trick is you've got to
play it very cool. Very enigmatic.

Think I know how to be cool.
Thank you very much.

Alright, well let's see
what've you got, big guy.

You look like
you've had a stroke.

Copy me.
Come on.

- Come on!
- Coming.

Repeat after me.
You don't care!

I don't care!

You score a new chick
every day of the week.

- I score a... well, I don't.
- She doesn't know that.

Kind of does.

- Tim!
- Okay!

- You're a player!
- I'm a player!

- You're a ladies' man!
- I'm a ladies' man!

- You're a prat!
- I'm a... Hey, Marcus!

- How long have you been there?
- Long enough.

We were just, um practicing
a ancient African ritual.

I'm surprised you
haven't seen it before.

- Leaving in five minutes.
- Five minutes, check!

Look at me, look at me.

Tim, tonight you are going
to unleash the Tim-tornado.

You're feelin' it.

You have
disappointed me, Allan.

I swear I never said
anything to anyone.

Haven't I looked
after you?

Of course, Marcus!
I owe you everything.

I'd never do
anything to hurt you.

And why didn't Mrs. Godfree
appoint me chess captain?

I don't know.
You have to believe me.

I know it was you, Allan.
You broke my heart.

I don't want anything to happen
to him while Miley Cyrus is alive.

Yes?

We've been going
through the accounts.

- Just give me the headlines.
- Turnover up 67%.

- Memberships?
- Stable.

What about profits?

The profit margin isn't
quite what we wanted to be.

I asked you
about the profits!

We made a loss.

Turnover's up
and we make a loss?

There were some
unexpected write-offs.

What are you telling me?

For god's sakes it's Philip,
you've given him his credit lines.

- Paul, don't.
- No Daniel, he's got to know.

Philip is massively in debt to
the house and can't pare off.

I've let my heart cloud my judgement.
I'll deal with this personally.

You've been seeing a
lot of Kathy recently.

- Caitlin.
- Ugly name.

- It means unfaithful.
- No, it doesn't.

Slutty, or slut-like.

- Did you want something?
- You do know she's a lesbian?

- She's not a lesbian.
- She could be a lesbian.

You could be a lesbian.

No, but you might as well stop
hanging around if she's not interested.

Well, I will find out
soon enough.

- What does that mean?
- Nothing.

We'll see about that.

Morning!

Sure.

- You alright?
- Ah, yeah.

If you need to pigeonhole
me, I am alright.

- Tim?
- Shoot!

- Have you soiled yourself?
- No, that's how men walk.

Incontinent men, maybe.

More importantly, what is the
dealio with tonight's activités?

I've planned something
a bit special actually.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's going to be at
my house, if that's okay.

That is perfection.

But I should warn you,
there may be some nudity.

Nudity?

Don't worry, I think
you man enough for it.

I think I'm man.

Tim,

- a word.
- Yeah.

See you later!

Tim, I want to know what's going
on between you and Caitlin.

No, what're you
talking about?

Tim, came on!
Do you think I'm a fool?

Well... no!
No way!

I mean you know the policy
on interoffice romance.

- Forbidden.
- Forbidden?

'course it's not forbidden.
God no, why would it be forbidden?

Because some people feel
interoffice relationships can

alienate other members of staff,
not to mention the increased risk

of blackmail, which could
potentially endanger the safety of

the government, the monarchy
and the entire British population?

- Twaddle.
- Right.

Come on, god where you supposed to
hook up with someone if it's not at work?

I mean sure, you can hang
around rehab clinics, but...

- is that really acceptable?
- No.

Well, probably,
but what would I now?

What do you think?

Spit it out, lad,
come on.

I agree with
everything you say.

Good answer,
well done.

Okay, Tim.
You have my blessing.

Thank you, Sir.

I just ask that you
let me watch.

You're joking.

Yeah, I can see how would
that sound more appropriate.

Is he okay,
do we think?

He's fine.
But he is a fire hazard.

It's okay.

- I'm really not sure about this.
- Would you please, just trust me?

- Okay, you are early.
- Yeah. Okay, bye then!

Whoah, no hold on, hold on.
I've left you food in the fridge.

Yeah.

And my mobile
number is on the side!

Fine, good-bye!

- What're you doing?
- We have orders not to let you in.

What?
Since when?

- Evening fellas!
Good evening, Sir!

See?

Right, Marcus?
Marc-Marcus! Marcus!

Marcus! Tell your
boys to let me in.

No can do Cheetara,
I'm cutting you off.

Please! Just,
just one more night.

I need you to follow
these gentlemen now.

What? No!

No!

- How can I ever repay you?
- I'll think of something.

Hi.

Hello!
Are you coming in?

I don't know. Am I?

Yes?

Do you want me to
take your... Oh, my!

You like?

Are those your nipples?

We'll just keep that our
little secret, shall we?

We can try.

Everyone, this is Tim.

- Hi, Tim!
- Hello, Tim!

Tim, this is my
life-study class.

Hi.

No more bets.

Looks like business
is doing well.

Just giving the people
what they want.

People want a lot of things that
aren't necessarily good for them.

- I'm not here to judge.
- Just exploit?

- Thank you for dropping by.
- I want to play!

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

I want to play you.

- What do you want to play?
- 21?

- Your bet?
- I don't have any money.

- In that case then...
- So I'll just bet this.

- Is that a problem?
- I gave that to you.

But you'll
accept it, right?

Stick or twist?

I'll stick.

- Did she just stick on 14?
- I know.

Statistically Marcus
almost can't lose.

I'll twist.

He's got her now.
It's all over.

- Passed.
- What?

- Bad luck.
- It happens.

Oh, and don't forget that.

We should set up
a rematch sometime.

I'm thinking of
retiring, actually.

That sounds like
smart move.

I'll see you around.

I don't understand how you lost.
What cards did you have?

I forget.

That was a bad beat, Marcus.

Sometimes you have to
lose in order to win.

I'm serious. Martha,
not going to tell you again.

- Just ignore her.
- She's freaking me out.

It is a funny thing.

When you were talking of here,
about there being some nudity,

I thought you meant...

- Me?
- You.

- Naked?
- I know.

- Get out of here.
- I wish I could.

What bit of what I said
made you think that?

Umm, the words?

Well, I'm sorry to
disappoint you, Tim.

Well, I'm not
disappointed, Caitlin.

I mean who wants to
see us naked?

- Put your hand down, Martha!
- Put your hand down, Martha!

Hold on, if it isn't you
getting naked, than who...

Oh, no!

I have studied poetry,
sculpture, architecture,

and now the painting of
the semi-human form.

In the name of all that is holy,
please can I join the book club?

Tim?

You can join
the book club.

- Really?
- Really.

Well this is
a huge honor.

Thank you.

Congratulations.
Here.

What is this? My official
appointment to the club?

Not exactly. It's formal notice
that the book club has,

as of 7 o'clock this evening
been dissolved.

Dissolved?

Sorry about that.
Though break.

- I need to be alone for a while.
- I understand.

Don't you think that was
just a little mean?

He's fine.
He enjoys it, really.

What would've been mean is
if I had admitted to tell him...

- Oh, God!
- Get out!

By the way, Philip and
Judith are up there!

- Yes, thanks!
- Hey buddy!

Get, hey! No, no!
Don't leave on my account!