SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Spy Buddies/Boat Smarts/Good Ol' Whatshisname - full transcript

(beeping)

(trilling, lock opens)

What are you doing, Mr. Krabs?

Just making sure the Krabby
Patty formula is safe.

Plankton hasn't tried to steal
the formula in over a month.

He must be planning
something big.

Hello.

One of you will have
to volunteer for some
extra work.

Good-bye.

I was just going
to ask

if someone
could spy on
Plankton.



Spy?!

Whoo-ooh-ooh!

PATRICK:
Hey, SpongeBob,

l can see you
through this straw.

Patrick, I'm going
to be a spy!

You're a spy?!

I want to be a spy, too!

Shh! Okay, okay!

You can be a spy.

Just be quiet.

Yay, we're spy buddies!

(stammering)

(softly):
Spy buddies!

Your instructions
are on this Krabby Patty.



But remember,

the fate of The Krusty Krab

rests in your hands, SpongeBob.

In my hands... wh-ooh.

Ooh!

MR. KRABS:
Your mission... if you choose
to accept it...

is to discover
what Plankton's up to.

Don't let him out of your sight.

And you need to rustle up
some spy gadgets.

If you don't accept it,
you're fired!

This patty will self-destruct
in ten seconds.

(both shouting)
(patty beeping)

Get rid of it!
Get rid of it!
Get rid of it, Patrick!

That's gonna leave a mark.

Hi, Sandy.

Hey, SpongeBob,
Patrick.

What y'all doing?

Do you know anything about
spying, Sandy?

Well, I know you need
a lot of crazy gadgets

like jet packs and
laser-equipped Bermuda shorts

with walkie-talkies.

MAN (over walkie-talkie):
10-4, good buddy.

Cameras that fit up your nose,
high-powered magnifying glasses,

and my favorite,

the knockout ray.

(snoring)

Huh?

Wow, Sandy, with these gadgets,

Patrick and I
will be great spies.

(laughs)

I wouldn't trust you two
with any of this stuff.

What do we do now, Patrick?

(snoring)
(laughing)

What's he doing now?

Nothing yet.

Wait! Wait! He's...

buying baby clothes?

We got to get closer.

Excuse me!

Do you have anything
in a size negative five?

(laughs)

Sorry, bud,
that's as small
as they come.

(sighs)

Wow, Plankton has
to buy baby clothes?

How embarrassing.

SpongeBob to Krabs,
come in, Krabs.

Krabs here. Go ahead.

Plankton just bought some
baby clothes.

Baby clothes? Hmm...

What's he doing now?

Hold on.

He's buying...

Yeah, yeah?

A... stamp.

A stamp.

This is the most elaborate
scheme ever.

Keep on him, SpongeBob.

We're right behind him,
and he has no idea.

(snickering)

(thudding footsteps)

(growls)

Would you stop making
all that racket?!

(squeaky ranting)

What's he doing now?

I can't tell.

(sizzling)

Whew! Gosh, it's hot.

(screaming)

He's getting away!

Quick, Patrick,
use the jet pack!

Can do!

(screaming)

Whew! Huh?

(screaming)

(shrieking)

(screaming)

Boy, it was lucky
the sidewalk broke
our fall.

Oh, we've lost Plankton!

To the spymobile!

Hmm...

Mines, oil slick,

smoke screen, shield...

PATRICK:
Self-destruct!

(beeping)

(both laughing)

(phone rings)

There's a call
coming through
on my Pants-a-Phone.

Krabs to Agent SpongeBob.
Come in, SpongeBob.

It's for you.

Agent SpongeBob here.

You found out what
Plankton's up to?

I'm afraid we lost him,
Mr. Krabs.

Well, find him, lad.

I'm not paying you to goof off
with Patrick.

You're not paying me
at all, Mr. Krabs.

Exactly. So get to work.

(receiver beeping)

RECORDING:
If you'd like to make a call,
please deposit 25 cents.

Okay, Patrick,
we're in position.

Now how do we get inside?

I think the front door's open.

Spies don't use the
front door, Patrick.

We've got to figure out
a complicated way
to get inside.

This looks like a job for
Patrick Star Laser Pants!

Wh-ooh!

(grunting)

(Patrick grunts loudly)

Good work, Patrick.

Now it's my turn.

I thought you were holding
the rope.

I am. You need
to be quiet.

We're on a secret mission.

Secret mission, eh?

(both scream)

Don't you think
I know what you're up to?

You want to eat
at the Chum Bucket

without your boss knowing.

Karen, we've got a customer.

I'll let you two
look over the menu.

SpongeBob, I have to go.

Can't you go later?

My laser pants aren't
working right.

(grunting)

(sighs)

Could I interest you
in a raspberry iced tea?

No, thanks.

Or perhaps a bran muffin?

SpongeBob, I have
to go now!

Prune Danish?

What the...?

(all screaming)

Destroy my lab, will ya, Krabs?

Well, if it's war you want,
it's war you'll get!

Is it dark, or have I put off
my cataract surgery too long?

No, Mr. Krabs,
it's that time
of the month.

MR. KRABS:
Merciful Neptune!

Man your battle stations!

I'm on it!

(alarm blaring)

(toilet flushes)

Bring it on, Plankton!

Oh, I will.

We'll see if you have a customer
left after I pump up the volume.

(loud Muzak plays)

Oh, brother, I hated the
real version of this song.

(all grumbling)

He's driving me customers away.

All right, Plankton,
you want my customers so badly?

You can have 'em!

Do your worst, Krabs!

I hate my job.

It's up to you and me, buddy.

Abandon ship!

(yelling)

Pointy-headed projectile
on the port side!

(alarm beeping)

(laughs, gasps)

(Krabs screams)

I win! I always win!

(laughs)

Not to rain on
your parade or anything,

but you always lose.

No, SpongeBob, I always win!

Mr. Krabs?

That's right.

I stole me own formula.

But if you're Mr. Krabs,
then who's...?

Mr. Krabs is a robot!

No, you idiot.

Plankton?!

What the barnacles

is going on here?

You see, we had a bet.

Plankton's been trying
for 20 years

to steal the formula

and he's never done it.

I almost had it 37 times,
and you know it!

Tell it to the claw, sister.

Last time he failed,
we made a bet.

(laughing)

You can't beat me, Plankton.
l always win.

(sobbing)

You've got the easy part.

I'd like to see you do my job.

Oh, yeah, right.

If I was you,

I could steal the formula
on me first try.

Ha! The usual wager?

You're on.

So, through a series
of events

far too elaborate
to go into right now,

we flawlessly assumed
each other's lives

and I beat Plankton
at his own game

and destroyed his
place of business.

(laughs)

Now pay up.

Here you go, Eugene,
one dollar.

Not so fast!

Squidward?

Then, then, who are you?

I'm not...

wearing a disguise.

Hmm, if he's Squidward,
then you must be...

Sandy?

Whoops, wrong outfit.

You're me!
Then I must be...

Patrick!

Nah, I'm just kidding.

I really am Patrick!
(laughs)

(laughing):
Good one, Patrick!

(both laughing)

There's just one thing
l don't understand.

What's that, laddie?

That.

(both laughing)

This driving safety film
is brought to you by:

(horn honks)
Citizens of Bikini Bottom

United to Keep
SpongeBob SquarePants

Off The Road and
Out of Boats All Together.

Good day, future motorists.

I'm Mrs. Puff, state accredited
driving instructor.

Today we'll be discussing
the differences

between a driver
with boat smarts...

Ripping good day
for a spot of driving.

... and a driver
without boat smarts.

Hey, Squidward!

Look what I can do with my feet!

(groaning)

Let's see some examples,
shall we?

Before you can even think
about boating,

the boater who uses boat smarts
always fills his tires

to the appropriate level.

While this driver
pays no heed to boat smarts.

(high pitched squeal)

As demonstrated by this driver,

he has enough boat smarts
to use his seat belt

and avoid a serious casualty
as a result of a collision.

Notice how he comes gently
to a stop sign.

Now this driver,
with no regard for safety...

(screaming)

(screams)

Well, at least
he had his seat belt on.

(screaming)

What's our boat smarts
boater up to now?

You guessed it.

He's adjusting his mirror

before he begins boating,
unlike this degenerate boater.

(screaming)
(screaming)

Ah, perfect.

Hey, use your mirrors, fool!

Mirrors?

Oh, that reminds me.

I haven't adjusted this one yet.

Ah! Can't see!

D'oh!

(giggles)

(screaming)

(glass shattering)

Ow.

Finally, and most importantly,

a driver with boat smarts
always pays attention

to his surroundings
and avoids distractions.

Notice how this driver's eyes
are locked firmly on the road.

And here we have the epitome
of a driver

who is carelessly
distracting himself

from the road and safety.

(humming)

(horns honking)

(groaning)

(grumbling)

(honking)

(screams):
Jerk!

Hi, there.

Help! Lunatic driver!

(screams)

How's it going?

l can't feel my head!
(screaming)

SpongeBob, I mean, a boater

without boat smarts
shows contempt

for his boater brethren
and the law.

(singing)

Wee!

Hi, Squidward.

Hi, Mrs. Puff.

(screaming)

(gasping)

(screaming)

Looks like you guys forgot
your boat smarts!

(laughing)

MRS. PUFF:
Never mind.

(laughing)

Exciting reading,
Mr. Krabs?

Oh, you bet you,
SpongeBob.

Listen to this.

Individuation of
the end user

will substantially
broaden

the probability of multiple
subsequent visits

generating an inverse
negative revenue margin

of three quarters of
a half of one percent.

Meaning, if you call
the customers by their name,

they keep coming back to spend
more of their greenbacks.

So I want you two

to learn the names
of every customer.

I have an important
life to live,

and it doesn't include
chattering with you two ninnies.

I thought you might say that.

So I decided to turn this
into a contest.

The employee who learns
more names wins this.

A tropical getaway?

On the triple-decker
Con-Huge-Go cruise liner.

Sunbathing.

Parcheesi.

Ballroom dancing.

This is going to be so easy.

SpongeBob doesn't realize that
I'm the face of The Krusty Krab.

While he's isolated
in the kitchen all day,

I've been out here
building a rapport

with the customer.

Hello. May I get you
anything else, Miss...

Since when do you
give two shrimps

about customer service,
Mr. Grouchy SquidGuy?

SPONGEBOB:
Hi, Sally.

Hi, Sadie.

Hi, Shooby.

How does SpongeBob know
all these names?

Right back at you, Lenny.

Hey, SpongeBob,

could you take a look
at the cash register?

I think it's broken.

Oh, sure, Squidward.

l think you might
need a closer look.

Let me give you a hand.

I can't see anything
in here, Squidward.

Keep looking, SpongeBob.

Keep on looking.

So what's your name?

Hi, Thaddeus.

Good-bye SpongeBob.

That should buy me

enough time
to win that cruise.

Good day, young sir.

My name is...

Gus!
He's right.

This guy's so good

you should give him a prize.

How in Neptune's creation

do you know all of
these names, SpongeBob?

Well, I simply compiled the name
of every customer in this book.

Thanks, SpongeBob.

Let's see.

Halbert, Norma, Isabel, Gus,

Chas, Pilar, Jess, Cara, Ivy,

Harv, Mabel, Mavis.

And your name is...

Susie Fish, correct?

Yes.

And you'd also be correct
in saying you ruined my food

with your sweat,
you nitwit!

Mr. Krabs!

That's the last customer.

Do I win?

Well, actually,
I wasn't keeping score.

But I'll just say that you

and SpongeBob
are neck and neck.

And that mystery
guy over there

will be the tiebreaker.

Uh, that's, that's...

Oh, that's, that's...

I know him, it's, it's...

(mumbling)..
.something.

He's the ticket to your prize.

Out of the way, loser!

Um, hello.
My name is Squidward.

Uh, so...

what's your name?

What's it to you?

Um, it's just that
l was going to...

um, enter your name
in our sweepstakes.

So, what should
l put down.

First and last name?

Sure.

Yeah, why don't you
write this on your form.

What's it...

(inhales deeply)

to you?!

Now leave me alone!

I see he wants
to play hard to get.

So be it.

I have ways of making
the likes of him talk.

Uh, sir,

you forgot your soda.

I didn't order any soda.

It's on the house.

What the barnacles
are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry!
I slipped.

Here, let me clean
that up for you.

Okay, there must be a name tag
or some form of ID in here.

I don't need your help.

I'm out of here.

SQUIDWARD:
Hey!

Look up in the sky!

A giant meteor is
hurtling towards earth.

Where?

Oh, you'll see it.

Just keep looking.

I can't see it.

Well, that's too bad.

Because I found what
l was looking for.

(laughing)
Hey!

Come back here!

Give me my wallet!

(laughing)

(indistinct radio transmission)

Holy sea cow!

That hooligan ran a stop sign!

Stop, thief!

You know that guy?

Hardly.

He stole my wallet.

What?

That makes him a dual offender!

Let's get him!

(laughing)
(whistle blowing)

(laughing)

Finally, the moment of truth.

Say good-bye to anonymity,
Mister...

Freeze, thief!

No, you don't understand.

l only want
the wallet for...

We know exactly why you want it.

Wallet snatcher!

(grunting):
This isn't as it seems.

That's what you'll be saying
in the slammer, punk!

(gasps):
His driver's license!

(laughing)

At last! At last!

And your name is...!

Mr. What Zit Tooya?

What kind of ridiculous
name is that?

It's my ridiculous name!

What's it to ya?

That's enough of that, ballyhoo.

But, but, but,

I-I-I didn't intentionally
do anything wrong.

Tell it to the judge,
law breaker.

(siren blaring)

(sighing)

Only 364 days

and nine years left

until I exchange
this concrete tomb

for a multi-story
ocean liner cruise.

SPONGEBOB:
Hey, Squidward.

SpongeBob.

The boy and I just
thought we'd stop by

and check on our
convict friend.

Call me what you may.

The fact of the matter is

I found out the mystery
customer's name first.

So I win.

I win, I win, I win,
I win, I win, I win!

Enjoy your prize.

Whoo-hoo!

Tropical vacation, here I come!

Vacation?

Who said anything
about vacation?

What?

ln the brochure
it specifically mentions

an ocean liner vacation.

Oh, you mean that brochure?

Well, that was the prize.

The brochure.

It was taking up too much room
in me drawers, you know,

so it's your prize.

You mean... no vacation?

Nope, just the brochure.

Well, got to get back
to counting me loot.

Enjoy your new
prize, Squidward.

See you on the outside
in ten years, buddy.

(laughing maniacally)

Oh, well, at least
I'll have some peace and quiet

for the next ten years.

PATRICK:
Hey, Squidward.

Parcheesi?