SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - New Leaf/Once Bitten - full transcript

Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, Captain.

I can't hear you.

Aye, aye, Captain!

I surrender!

I wonder what form of trickery

is up that miniature cyclops' sleeve this time.

All right, Plankton,

I don't know what you're trying to pull on me,

but I'll tell you right now it ain't gonna work!

There's no pulling, Krabs.



Can't you see my peace offering?

What is this?

Ha-ha!

Very funny, Plankton!

But you're gonna have to do a lot better

than taking a stab at my illiteracy to offend me!

Don't you get it, Krabs?

I give up.

I'm through competing with you!

But what about all those fevered attempts

at trying to steal my Krabby Patty recipe?

Exactly! They've all been just attempts,

and every single one a miserable failure!

I can feel my arteries clogging up with anxiety



just thinking about it.

Let me show you something.

Look at this place!

Aah! Crimony, Plankton!

You ever hear of spring cleaning?

What's the point?

Do you know when the last time I had a customer was?

Actually, I can't recall you everhaving a customer.

Well, there he is!

That's why I've decided to quit

the restaurant business altogether

and turn the Chum Bucket into...

this!

You want to turn your restaurant into a pile of junk?

No! These are knickknacks...

for the new gift shop I'm opening up!

Come on, this has got to be a joke, right?

I'm serious, Krabs.

Soon the Chum Bucket will be a nice little store

for bric-a-brac and bubblegum.

All right, Plankton, but be aware:

I'm not letting me guard down.

Guard away, my ex-enemy.

I'll just be here starting my new competition-free career.

What's going on, Mr. Krabs?

Plankton's concocted another hair-brained scheme

to steal me recipe-- so keep your eyes peeled.

Whatever you say, Cap'n!

Now, that's an employee who follows orders.

What in blazes is that noise?

Ah, would you look at that!

I have a feeling I'm gonna like this new life of novelty items.

Uh-huh! Clever, Plankton!

Two can play at this game!

Mr. Krabs,

look at this cool knickknack I got at the Chumporium!

Hmm. I know there's a microphone or camera in here somewhere.

Uh, Mr. Krabs, I really don't think

there's anything weird in there.

Eh, we'll see about that.

I'll just put this in here for safekeeping.

You hear, Plankton?

Join your other friend from the past!

Now nobody's getting to see anything!

Don't you understand?

This is all part of his ruse-- it's just cosmetic.

He thinks he can fake us out.

But we'll show him.

We're gonna out-fake the faker! Ha-ha!

Well, it looks like old Plankton's

really going through with it.

I guess we don't have to worry about himanymore.

Yep, we sure whipped him this time.

Okay, boys, the coast is clear!

Plankton's turned over a new leaf!

That's some good news, Mr. Krabs!

It sure is, you little half-wit.

And you know what else is good news?

We can finally use that deejay system.

Hit it, SpongeBob!

Right away, sir!

Let's party!

Ow! I won!

It's time to boogie!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

This is idiotic.

Dance or you're fired.

You got it, Mr. Krabs.

How do you like themapples, you little...

Come on, buddy, let's get some shut-eye.

We've got a big day ahead of us at the Chumporium Gift Shop.

Wait a minute!

What the...?

Store shelves?

Novelty toys?

Lava lamps?!

Useless knickknacks?!

Very convincin'...

but I'm still not buying it!

You want a battle, Plankton?

I'm gonna give you a war!

Ah, a clean snow globe is a happy snow globe.

Plankton!

You may have fooled everyone else,

you might have even fooled yourself,

but you ain't foolin' me!

I get it-- you caught me red-handed.

Those were the days, huh, Eugene?

But I found there was more to life

than just trying to steal your formula.

I found it all right here, in novelty items.

Bupkes!

Oh, Eugene...

stuck in your old ways.

Bupkes! If there's one thing that is certain in this world,

it's that you can't resist me formula!

You know

you want it.

Thanks... but no.

Uh-huh! Uh-huh! I knew it!

It was all a trick to get me to hand over me...

Wait. Did you say... no?

Well, if you don't believe me, that's yourproblem, not mine.

Problem?! I don't have a problem!

You're the one with the problem!

Look at this.

It means nothing!

It's all a facade! A hoax!

A con! A front!

A sham! A snow job!

Baloney with a side of flimflam

and an order of jive!

See? Who's the one with the problem?!

Look... what you've done.

This is my livelihood!

Sureit is!

And this isn'tthe formula that you don'twant.

Come on, eh? Eh?

Woop. Too slow.

Ah, ga-ga- ga-ga-ga.

Get... out!

Oh. I get it.

Stick to your guns and eventually we'll all believe it.

Soften us up, then when our backs are turned,

you make your move.

Oops.

What's this?

Hey, Krabs!

Huh? What? I knew you'd come back.

You forgot something.

Can't you understand, I've wasted so much time

chasing after you, and now I have something that's mine.

And it makes me... happy.

I never thought I'd see the day.

What happened to the invertebrate I usedto know?

Plankton!

Coming, coming.

Yo.

Uh, Plankton?Eugene?

Uh... hey.

Hey.

Listen, uh, I just wanted to...

you know... apologize for my behavior today.

Wasn't right what I done, and...

and I realized I hurt the feelings of, uh...

...of, uh, someone I care about.

You still there?

Yeah.

I'm still here.

Good.

I want to make it up to you.

What do you say we grab a soda?

Sure.

Glad you could make it, buddy.

So... what's this about, Krabs?

I thought that since we're no longer archenemies,

maybe...

maybe we can... start over?

Yes.

Yes, I would like that very much.

I guess I won.

Uh, I don't know about this, Plankton.

Oh, come on, just fall back.

Trust me, I'll catch you.

That was truly amazing, Plank, old buddy.

I guess I really can trust you 100%.

Thanks, Eugene.

That... means a lot to me.

And just to prove it to you,

I want you to have something.

No, no, come on, now, no gifts.

No, no. I want you to have this.

It's me secret formula.

I can't believe you would even think...

But things are different now.

Honestly, it would mean a lot to me.

You... you're serious.

Eugene, if I take this formula from you now,

there will always be a hint of doubt.

Come on, take it.

You sure?

Life is good, Krabs.

Sure is, buddy.

Sure is.

Yeah, baby!

This is it!

Yeah!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

I got it! I got it!

My diabolical, extremely convoluted plan worked!

I should have been a politician.

I'd never give you the formula!

I fooled you with an even more convoluted charade!

What a sun-tastic day!

Whoa!

Snail trail.

That SpongeBob needs to keep his pet out of my yard.

I am sick of cleaning up after him.

Not my pet rock collection.

That's it!

This isn't the first time you've soiled my yard

with your revolting excretions.

But mark this down in your little notebook.

It will be the last time!

This cheap splintery wood will keep even Gary out.

Now I feel safe.

SpongeBob!

Hi, Squidward.

Hey, SpongeBob.

Keep your shell vermin off of my property!

Then next time, my annoyingly yellow neighbor,

your wet pet oozes on my lawn,

you'll leave me no choice

but to call snail control.

That little monster...

He bit me!

Gary!

No, dirty boy.

This isn't like you.

Oh, but it's just like you, SpongeBob,

to raise such a misbehaved mollusk.

Gary's not misbehaved.

But there does appear to be something wrong with him.

I'll say. I hope he's had his shots.

Oh, of course.

All of his shots?

Affirmatory.

For rabies?Yep.

Snail pox and soft shell dance?Yupie.

Bagitis, lumpy-bump trump, teen angst?Yep, yep, yep.

Let's not forget the worst of them all.

Mad snail disease.

You mean your pet hasn't been vaccinated

for mad snail disease?

Looks like the rash has already started.

Rash?

Tell me, do you have any soreness of throat?

Well, now that you mention it

my throat is a little dry.

This disease will ravage your body

with bloodshot eyes, loss of balance, Whoa.

messy pants,

ticklish rib cage,

severely untrimmed toenails

and finally, the bite from that infected snail

will turn you into...

A zombie.

You need to get that snail of yours to a doctor

before he bites someone important.

There's a mad snail on the loose!

Gary? Gary? Gary? Gary?!

The mad snail is coming!

If he bites you, you'll turn into a zombie.

Jeepers, what's with all the lunatics?

Oh, look, honey, isn't he the cutest?

Come here, little buddy.

He's just adorable.

Mad snail disease is real!

I'm a zombie. I've been bitten by a mad snail.

I've got mad snail disease!

Then I've got it! A snail just bit me, too!

We interrupt this program to bring you a news blast.

This just in...

Fear and disease is spreading like wildfire

as a killer snail has been biting the denizens

of Bikini Bottom.

Infecting them with...

Ask any old fish on the street and they'll tell you

that germs enter through the bite radius.

Traveling upstream until the entire host body

is full of...

We now take you to Action News Reporter Perch Perkins

live on the scene.

Perch Perkins here with with the first victim

of this epidemic.

Tell me, Mr. Tentacles, when did you first

begin to suspect you were a zombie?

Well, after I was bitten by a mad snail

I began to get a rash.

Followed by loss of balance, ticklish rib cage

and a few other symptoms.

Hey, I was bitten by a snail.

I kind of feel off balance.

Whoa.

Hey, I have ticklish ribs, too.

And I haven't even been bitten.

Oh, no, it's spreading through the air!

Well, you heard it here first.

We're all doomed to a horrible demise,

thanks to a diseased snail.

Gary?

I can't believe that sweet and slimy snail

would cause all this destruction.

I'm a zombie,

here to dine on your squishy yellow flesh.

It's locked!

Somebody let me in.

SpongeBob, come in, boy.

And bring your friends in, too.

They look hungry.

Stop! You can't let anyone in!

But they just want to dine on some krabby patties.

They're zombies.

They only want to dine on our flesh.

All right, but it's coming out of your paycheck.

I don't work here.

But, Mr. Krabs, it's me SpongeBob.

But how do we know you haven't become

one of those voracious flesh-eaters?

Could a voracious flesh-eater do this?

SpongeBob, it's you.

That's right, so let me in before I'm eaten.

Yeah, that's SpongeBob all right.

Or is it?Huh?

I don't believe that's the real SpongeBob.

He looks pretty zombie-fied.

Just look at how yellow he is.

Come on, Patrick, would a zombie have a picture of his best buddy

in his wallet?

Perhaps not.

But I've got my eye on you.

If you could pull out your eye and put it on him,

wouldn't that make you

a zombie, too?

You're right.

I'm a zombie!

Who's to say we're not all zombies?

The snail!

Gary!

Are you okay, buddy?

Come here, boy.

No, don't get near it.

Oh, the pity of it all.

I can't watch.

All those people think you're a monster,

but I know you're just a snail.

Gary...

...how could you?

SpongeBob's been infected by his own pet snail.

Oh, the irony.

Quick, we must quarantine that infected snail

before he bites every last Bikini Bottomite.

Let's get that snail.

Yeah!

No, don't hurt him.

Hand over the snail.

It's for his own good, SpongeBob.

No, I won't let you touch Gary.

Stop the madness, man.

The mad snail disease ends now.

Seize the snail.

Halt!

Did someone say mad snail disease?

Is that what all this fuss is about?

Yeah. What do you know about it?

Funny you should ask.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Dr. Gill Gilliam.

S.D.E. + S.E.

"S.D.E. + S.E."?

Snail disease expert and snail expert.

I'm sorry to break this to you all,

but that "mad snail disease" you're talking about

it doesn't exist.

That's right, no such thing.

It's an old urban legend, a myth.

Well, does that mean we're not zombies?

Of course not.

No one is.

It's just mass hysteria.

But what about my severely untrimmed...?

Those are only moderately untrimmed.

All the supposed symptoms are just common ailments.

Easy, boy.

But what about Gary then?

If he doesn't have a disease,

why'd he bite all those people including me?

Uh-huh, the problems right here.

He's got a little splinter

in his foot.

I'm sure this was causing him distemper.

Making for serious grouchy snailitis.

Oh, Gary, I knew you weren't disease-ridden.

Do you still love me?

Meow.

Good old Gary's back.

Hey, Squidward, you're not a zombie, remember?

Oh, yes, I am.

Welcome to the Krusty Krab.

May I take your order?

All's well that ends well.