SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - Potato Puff/There Will be Grease - full transcript

- Are you ready, kids?

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!



- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

[upbeat ukulele music]

♪ ♪

[baby cooing]

- Oh!
- [laughing]



- [screaming]

- I can't see!

I can't see!

[tires screech, both screaming]

- Mama! Papa! No!

[suspenseful music]

both: Whoa!

[tires squeal, both screaming]

- Bikini Bottom's long-awaited
dynamite factory

is now open!
- Look out!

- Huh?

both: Whoa!

Oh, phew.

[both scream]

- Hey, Mrs. Puff, I can see
your house from up here.

Huh?

[quirky music]

- [sighs]

Look at that.
You saved me a commute.

Just let yourself out.

- Well, if you're sure...

See you tomorrow, Mrs. Puff!

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

- Maybe he really
is unteachable.

I give up.

No, Puff, not yet.

You're a driving instructor!

Instructing that boy
is your duty.

You just need
a little guidance.

[calm music]

[phone ringing, vibrating]

- The universe greets you.

Allow me to guide
your celestial vessel.

- SpongeBob...

driving...

me...

crazy!

- [yelps]

Oh, Mrs. Puff.

Perhaps it would help

if you find a way to be
with SpongeBob

without being
with SpongeBob, hmm?

Okay.

Feel free to annoy me
for money again soon.

Goodbye.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

♪ ♪

Ah...

Less stress.
[bell dings]

- Being with SpongeBob
without being with SpongeBob.

[groans]
But how?

[grunts]

[breathes deeply]

[harmonious music plays]
Huh?

Where is that music
coming from?

A submarine?

That gives me an idea.

[grunts]

[music continues]

♪ ♪

- [humming]

- I knew it!

Where there are sailors,
there are always potatoes.

♪ ♪

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

- Huh?
Qu'est-ce que c'est?

- [grunting]

There.
That should do it.

- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
- Huh?

Gah!
- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

- [panting]

- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

[grunts]
D'oy!

Oh, Mrs. Puff!

It's been so long!
Did you miss me?

- Oh, yes, SpongeBob.

I missed you so much.

It's so good to see you...

from here.

- Ooh! Did you get a new hat?

It really brings out
all your eyes.

[suspenseful music]

[laughs]

- All right...

Time to focus on the road,
my excellent little noodle.

- Oh! I must live up
to your noodle-spectations!

[tires squealing]

[grunts]

How was that?

- That was very good.

Okay, take a right here.

Now keep going right.

- Feels right to me!
[laughs]

- Ah, yes, it does.

Now I can catch up
on my stories.

- Oh, Dwayne.

The only thing
I've ever loved...

[bell rings]
Is a skull-cracking smackdown!

[grunts]
[cheering]

- That's right!

[static whirs]
- Keep going right?

All right.
- Um, yeah.

Sure, SpongeBob.

- Boy, I really feel like
I'm getting the hang

of this turning-right thing.

Hey, this is the longest I've
ever driven without crashing.

- [grunts]
Huh?

Oh.
There's none left.

[static whirs]
Left.

- Left?
But I'm still working on right.

Do you really think I'm ready?

[static whirs]
- Yeah!

- Oh, okay,
if you think so.

[tires squealing, horn blares]

Oh!
[chuckles]

Sorry about that.

[screams]

[tires squeal]
- Whoa!

Huh.

Some people will do anything
to use the carpool lane.

Huh?
Uh-oh.

[screaming]

[grunts]

[popcorn popping]

[microwave beeps]

[grunting and cheering on TV]

[horn honks]

- Oh, SpongeBob?

Your driving is immaculate.

Just keep turning right.

- Oh, I'm great at that.

[all giggling]

[tires squealing,
all screaming]

Wow!

Whoa!
[static whirs]

- Keep that righty nice
and tight-y.

- Tightening my rightening.

[alarm ringing]

[all screaming]

[all laughing]

- This is
the most fulfilling day

I've ever had as a teacher.

Mmm.
[chokes]

[stoplight dings]
Bleh!

[choking and coughing]
- Uh-oh.

Swallowed a bug, huh?
- [choking and coughing]

- Attention all units--

major traffic violations
in progress.

- [gasps]
- Please pursue

as fast as possible.

[suspenseful music]

- [gasps]

[siren wailing]

This must be
an advanced lesson.

[tires squeal, sirens wailing]
- Huh?

[panting]

[siren wailing]

- Hey, that's him--
the jerk with the spud!

- Let's get him, boys!

- Ooh!
[siren wailing]

[all growling]
[panting]

[siren wailing,
tires squealing]

both: Ah!

- This historic
dynamite factory

has been open for one
entire day with no accidents.

Isn't that amazing?
[siren wailing]

- Huh?

[siren wailing]

[static whirs]
- Breaker, breaker, Cabin Boy.

Hard to port.
- Oh, a 10-4, Mrs. Puff!

[tires squeal]

- [panting]

[all screaming]

- I'm gettin'
too old for this.

[grunting]

[all screaming]

[climactic jazz music]

[grunting and screaming]

- We interrupt
"Headlocks and Heartbreaks"

with an emergency
news bulletin.

High-speed sponge
terrorizes Bikini Bottom

with potato prisoner--

last seen pursued by
band of bandit bikers

along Kraken Avenue.

Who knows where
he may strike next?

- Wha...

[suspenseful music]

- My leg!

♪ ♪

- Uh, SpongeBob?

Gah! Hello?

Hello?

Oh, Neptune.

Enough of this leisure wig.

Time for the pursuit wig!

[screams]

[grunts]

[screaming]

[siren wailing]

I'm a driving instructor,

and I'm commandeering
this vehicle!

- I can dig it, mohawk mama.

- [grunts]

[tire squeals,
siren wailing]

[tires screech]

[wailing continues]

- [screams]
Turn around!

- Ooh, whatever you say!

Whoa!

[laughing]

- Phew.

[all growling]

Oh, dear.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [grunting]

[gasps]
Mrs. Puff!

You've been mashed!

[cries]

- Ahem.

- Huh?
She's alive!

Oh, you sure are resilient,
Mrs. Puff.

- From now on, SpongeBob,
I'll uphold my duty

as your driving instructor
to keep you safe on the road.

Mm.

- [grunts]
[all grumbling]

[hard rock music]

[gasps]
Wait a minute!

You're Puff the Tuff!

Will you sign my cast?

- Oh.
- I love you!

- [laughing]
- What a legend!

- Oh, hi, boys.

[sirens wailing]

- Looks like you got things
under control here.

Let's scram!

- [sighs]
I know the drill.

[calypso instrumental]

♪ ♪

So...

what are you in for?

[sighs]

[upbeat ukulele music]

♪ ♪

- [whistling]

- [humming]

- Nice work, boy-o.

She looks cleaner than
a freshly scraped hull.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Krabs, I--
[gasps]

Your feet!

- Hmm?

- [shivering]

- Whew!
That was close.

You almost tracked goo all over
your nice, clean restaurant.

- [chuckles]
Good save, huh?

[groans]

- Huh?

Hmm...

Oh, looks like this puddle here
is the culprit.

Don't worry, Mr. K.,

I'll have her cleaned up
in no time.

Hmm...
Aha!

[engine turning over, revving]

[gargling]

- Okay, you just pour this
in here, and--

Huh?
[screams]

"It's a beautiful day,"
you said.

"Why not do some evil science
outside?" you said.

SpongeBob!

What in Neptune's navel
are you doing?

- Oh, sorry, Plankton.

I was just cleaning up
this goo puddle for Mr. Krabs.

- That doesn't look like goo.

It looks like oil.

Holy moly, Karen!

We're sittin'
on a mountain of moolah!

- [screaming]

That oil's mine, you hear?

My employee found it,
and besides,

it's on me property!

- Not so fast, Krabs.

That's my oil,

and it's on my property!

[both grunting]

[both growl]

- Mmm.
Actually, you're both wrong.

It's not oil at all.

both: It's not?

- According to my analysis,

it's a combination
of Krabby Patty grease

and Chum runoff,

which your two restaurants
have been leaking

into the ground for decades.

- So it's just
worthless old grease?

- I wouldn't call it
"worthless."

It has a high viscosity index

and impressive flavor-imparting
characteristics.

- So its "worthful"?

- Yes, however,

the deposit appears to be
evenly split

between your restaurants.

- Well, Plankton, looks like

if we want to make
a lot of money...

- We'll have to do it as...

- [groans]
both: Partners.

- Come on, Krabs.

There's got to be some use
for this stuff we can agree on.

Mm, let's sell it
to the military!

Imagine--
fuel for flamethrowers,

lubricant for killer robots,

bombs that smell
like French fries!

[laughs]

all: Mmm.

- We'll use it to boost
business at The Krusty Krab...

a flavorful new
sandwich topping

a savory new milkshake,

and a lovely new scent
for the restrooms.

[all sniffing]

- Oh, no!

We're not using my grease
to drive customers

to your restaurant!

- Oh, you...
- Why, I ought to...

[both grunting]

Oh, gosh, I don't see why
you need to find just one use

for this stuff.

I started using it
for everything.

- What?
- Huh?

- Toothpaste,

bodywash, deodorant,

shoe polish,

all-night face mask,

Gary's breakfast,

my own breakfast.

It even cured my bursitis!

What I mean is,

if you can use it for anything,

why not sell it for everything?

[cash register bell dings]

[cash register bell dings,
horn toots]

- Not bad.

- Well, we better get some
customers here, Eugene.

I was up all night
painting that sign.

- Have a little faith,
Plankton.

[gasps]

Behold, the lunch rush!

- [humming]

[both scream]

Whoa!

[all groaning]

- [giggles]

Time to get to work!
- [laughs]

[babies crying]

- [screams]

- Pardon me, ma'am,
but how about some

Dr. Krabton's Miracle
Everything Juice

to quiet the little angels?
[grunts]

- [sighs]

[grunts]
Hmm...

- [groans]

- why, Dr. Krabton
can fix up your boat for you!

See?

There you go.
Good as new.

- Say, it really works!

Three cheers
for Everything Juice!

all: Hooray!

[indistinct chatter]
- We'll take one!

[excited chatter]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Look at all this cash, Krabs!

We're rich!
- Not rich enough.

We got to take our show
on the road!

[boat beeping]

All right, Plankton.

Let a real salesman show you
how it's done.

[doorbell rings]

- Eugene?
What a surprise.

Uh, we don't have
a lunch date today, do we?

- Not with me.
Your date today is with value.

Suppose I told you
there was one product

that could fuel
all your boats...

[engines rev]
Reinvigorate

old lighthouse paint jobs...
- [grunts]

- And even cover up those...
[clears throat]

Maturation lines
around your eyes.

- Plank.

♪ ♪

- How dare you?

Give me ten bottles.

- You did pretty good
back there, Krabs.

But now it's time
to watch a master!

- Ooh, gladly.
[doorbell rings]

Let me know when he gets here.
[laughs]

- Howdy.
- Greetings, Sandra.

I am here to tell you
about our latest invention.

It'll fertilize your lawn.

- [grunts goofily]

- Polish your dome glass...

- Oh.

[hums]
- [chirping]

- And give even your oldest
nuts that fresh-picked shine!

[snickers]

[grunts]

It's Dr. Krabton's
Miracle Everything Juice!

[fanfare plays]

- I ain't some hayseed,
Plankton.

I'm a scientist.

I don't believe in miracles.

- Well, but it can also keep
oxygen machines running

in top shape!

- Huh...

[machine wheezing and coughing]

Well, I do like breathin'.

I'll take a whole case!

- This door-to-door stuff's
taking too long.

We got to go big!
- How big?

- Musical big!

[upbeat music plays]

♪ ♪

[crowd oohing]

♪ Hey, there, mister,
would you like to know ♪

♪ About a very
a special something ♪

♪ That makes
all your problems go away? ♪

- What is it?

- It's Everything Juice.
- What?

- ♪ Hey, there, madam,
can I help you out ♪

♪ With those
false teeth of yours ♪

♪ It must be very hard
to shout hooray ♪

- [screams]
- ♪ For Everything Juice ♪

- ♪ Can it make my voice
sound much more creepy? ♪

- Probably.
- ♪ Will it fix the smell ♪

♪ Of my pet Kiki? ♪

- Buy it and see!
- Indeed!

- ♪ Hey, there, son,
looks like you might need ♪

♪ To find some
slickening solution ♪

♪ So your marbles
can get up to speed today ♪

Try Everything Juice!

♪ Pardon me,
but I see you chose ♪

♪ Not to trim that
rather lengthy hair ♪

♪ Protruding from your nose,
but that's okay ♪

With Everything Juice!

- How much does it cost?
- Quite a lot!

[cash register bell dings]
- I don't care.

Give me everything you've got.

both: ♪ Yes, my friends,
this is the greatest stuff ♪

♪ It's a wonder,
it's a miracle ♪

♪ You just can't have enough ♪

♪ So we say hey ♪

♪ Get some today ♪

♪ There's no excuse ♪

♪ Everyone needs
Everything Juice ♪

[crowd clamoring]

[cash register bell dings]

- A million one,
a million two,

a million three.

- Eugene, is this what
friendship feels like?

- Perhaps it is, Sheldon.
Perhaps it is.

both: Money fight!
[giggling]

[elevator bell dings]
- Huh?

[all yelling]

- Hey!
What are you all doing in here?

[all yelling]

- We are unsatisfied customers!

Just look at what your grease
did to my air!

[yelling continues]

all: Ew.

- Your grease gave me pink eye!

- Well, at least your...
[clears throat]

Maturation lines are gone.

- [grunts]

I'll take two more bottles.

- No more!

You two have ruined
the whole town!

all: We want our money back!

- Huh?
[chuckles nervously]

[whimpers]

- [sighs]
I knew you would mess this up.

You always mess things up.

- Me?

I'm not the one who came up
with that lousy song.

- [grunting]

[pump wheezes]

Must be running low on grease.

- Oh, well, it wasn't me
who sold it

as fire extinguisher
recharging fluid.

- All right, all right.

But I'm not the one who sold it

as acne treatment
to high schoolers.

- Oh, but you did market it
as drinkable vitamins!

- That's it!

This friendship is over!

We are mortal enemies
once more!

- Fine by me!

I don't want to see you
ever again, ever!

[doors slam]

[suspenseful music]

- Whoa, whoa.
[screams]

- [groans]

- This is all your fault!

- You trapped us in here!

- Oh, I wish I'd never met you!

- That goes double for me!

- Oh, boy!

The three best friends
buried alive together forever,

and it's all thanks to...

♪ Everything Juice ♪