SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 11, Episode 12 - Drive Happy/Old Man Patrick - full transcript

Are you ready, kids?

all:
Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

all:
Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!



♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

- all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

♪ ♪

[imitates engine revving]

I'm a stunt driver,
and I'm making donuts!

[screeches]
Out of the way!



[screeches]
Look out!

Where'd you learn
to drive, buddy?

Oh, Mrs. Puff's
Boating School?

Me too!
[laughs]

Ahh, the bridge is out!

Ahhh!

That's a sweet little boat.

You're a smart shopper.

Oh, I'm not shopping.
I'm playing.

Playing, huh?

Well, we have some very
playful items here for a--a...

Ehh-ehh.

...sophisticated motorist
like yourself.

Whoa!

The Nerdmobile.

It comes with
pocket protectors,

corrective lens windshield
and seat wedgies.

- Ah-ow! Wow.
- No, this isn't right.

I got something
more your style.

Whee!

The Wimp Wagon.

It includes unlimited tissues
for crying,

a security blanket,

and a bumper bonnet for your
delicate fontanel.

Oh, these are very nice,

but I don't have
a driver's license.

No license, huh?

Well, you don't need a license

to drive a self-driving boat.

Self-driving?
[whimpers]

Meet Coupe.
It's very classy.

Chrome-plated exterior,
titanium hubcaps,

turbine engine,

and personal driver narration.

Ooh.
Whaaa!

Sold!

Oh, thanks.
[laughs]

Ahhh!
My very own boat.

Ah!

Huh?
But there's no key!

And no steering wheel!

[stammering]
Where is that--I gotta--

[cat meows]

How do you--

Settle down,
Mr. SquarePants.

Wow, you talk.
How'd you know my name?

I can feel your
square pants on my seat.

Where to, Mr. SquarePants?

Oh, why don't we just
go for a drive?

You've got it.

Oh.

Whoa, careful!

And stay in your lane!
Stop sign! Stop sign!

Truck, truck, truck, truck.
Ahh!

Relax, Mr. SquarePants.

I'm an expert driver.

Make yourself at home
and leave everything to me.

Hmm. Huh?
[horn honks]

Hi, Squidward.

[instrument blares,
horn honks]

Oh, I need to erase this
from my mind.

[grunting]

Duh!
What's a SpongeBob?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Puff.

What do you think
of my classy new boat?

Hello, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob, ah!

You're not driving.

I know.
Isn't it great?

- [horn blares]
- Ahhh!

[groans]

Oh, that was the best day
of non-driving ever.

Coupe, is there anything
I can get you?

Warm glass of oil?
Triple-foam conditioner?

I'm fine.
Good night, Mr. SquarePants.

Good night, Coupe.

[thunder rumbles]

[horn honks]

What's wrong, Coupe?

I'm getting wet.

Whoa!

Here, take this!

[horn honks]

- What's up?
- I'm cold.

Aww.

There you go,
my widdle self-driver.

Nice and snuggy-wuggy.

I don't like it out here.
I want to be inside.

Inside?

[sawing]

All right, Coupe.
Come on in.

[woman screaming on TV,
engine revving]

[dinosaurs growling,
monster growling]

Hey, you know what'd be fun?

If I sat in you
and we pretended

we were in a drive-in movie.

No, it wouldn't.

Okay, so I guess you're
just gonna click through

the channels looking for a boat
commercial all night, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was a guest here.

Of course you are.

Well, I'm tired.
You can stay up.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, Coupe?

Good-night.
I had a wonderful day.

[sounds from
television continue]

[whimpers]

- Ohh!
- Ow.

Gary, what is what?

[hyperventilating]

[horn blares]

Sorry, Mr. SquarePants,
I'm so...[yawns]

I know, Coupe.

You're tired.
We're all tired.

[horn blaring rhythmically]

[sighs]

[horn continues blaring]

[both snoring]

[horn blares, both scream]

Ow.

[groaning]

Mr. SquarePants,
I can drive you to work.

Why are you walking?

Oh, yeah, well,
I didn't want to wake you.

You were sleeping like a baby.

Heh. Baby buggy!
[laughs] Baby buggy...

Hey SpongeBob,
how about a ride?

Well, sure, Patrick.
Hop in.

Yay!

[horn blares]

Oh, oh boy!

Buttons!

[laughing]

Patrick, could you not--

I don't think he--
Don't get your--

Butt on buttons!

Uh, Patrick, I don't think
Coupe likes that.

Passenger, settle down.

Hey, ice cream.
Where's the cone?

Oh, don't worry.
It's down there somewhere.

Ahh.

[excited grunting]

[Coupe groans, spits]

[excited grunting]

Ugh, Eww.
All right, that's enough!

Thanks for the ride!

Here we are.

Here we are, where?

Where I work,
the Krusty Krab.

What?
I can't be seen here.

I'm a classy car.

This place is tacky.
[flatulence sound]

[groaning]

Coupe, open the door!
I'll be late.

Yow!
But I have to go to work!

Ah.

You obviously
have no taste,

so today we're going to do
what I want to do.

But I have to go to work.
[groans]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[gargling]

[groaning]

I have to go to work.

[tools whirring, clanging]

But I have to go to work!

Huh?
[cash register dings]

Ugh.

- I have to go--
- Go to work?

No, go to the bathroom.

You can hold it.

Or I could just go.
[fly unzips]

Ugh. Make it snappy.

Ow!
[groans]

Hmm?
Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Eh?
[whistles]

[tense music]

Hmm.
[stammering]

Very funny, Coupe.
Very funny.

- What's in the bag?
- Oh, nothing.

Hey, wait!

What are you doing,
SquarePants?

I'm going to work.

[dramatic music]

[groaning]

- [tires screeching]
- Ooh.

- Did that hurt?
- Of course not.

I'm a boat.
I don't feel physical pain.

Good to know,
because I'm a stunt driver,

and I'm making donuts.

[Coupe screaming]

Oh, no you don't.

Give me that!

- Yahh!
- Ohh!

[all screaming]

[Coupe laughs]

Now this is where
I should be living.

Penthouse parking lot, please.

[ding]
Thank you.

Hi, how you doing today?
Good?

[whistles]

[tropical music]

- Well played, Coupe.
- Indeed.

And now we can get to
the Krusty Krab the fast way!

What? No! No!
Noooo!

- No, you don't.
- [straining]

No, no, we're not going
into the tacky Krusty Krab.

You're right, we're going
through the drive-thru!

Triple Krabby Patty with five
scoops of ice cream please.

[straining]

Squidward, you see me
struggling with this boat,

and you act like
you don't care.

It's not an act.

I hate do you this to you,

Triple Krabby Patty
with five scoops of ice cream,

but I have no choice.

Oh, no, stop!
I don't like that.

- [tires screech]
- Hey, SpongeBob!

Oh, not this idiot again.

Ahhh!

[soft thud]

Ah, I thought
I smelled ice cream.

My self-driving days
are over.

What do you plan on doing
with me, SquarePants?

Eh, I have an idea.

These self-driving boats
are real classy.

[laughing]

[grumbles]
It stopped again.

Don't worry, Patrick.

Here's a whole bag
of quarters

so you can ride forever.

Ohh!

[exciting gibberish]

Please, somebody,
strip me, sell me for parts.

Just put me
out of my misery.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

[excited chatter]

It's too high.
I can't!

Cannonball!
Ohh!

Now you've got water wings.
Try them.

Hmm?
Huh?

Ahh-ahh-ahh!

Marco!

- Eeh.
- Marco?

- No, I'm Joshua.
- Okay, bye.

Marco.

Polo.

[both laugh]

Marco!

[whistle blows]

Shady Shoals residents,
out of the pool.

- I pooped.
- Come along, Mortimer.

Huh?
Oh.

[elephant trumpets]
Huh?

I'm covered in wrinkles.

Oh, we all are, dear.

I call them oldie foldies.

[strains]

Hurry, Mortimer.

Shady Shoals is serving
prune ice cream today.

Dah!
Ice cream, oh, oh!

Wait for me!

Marco!

- Marco!
- [grumbles]

- Marco?
- Yeah, I'm-a Marco!

- What do you want?
- Oh, I don't want you.

I want Patrick.

Then stop
a-yellin' my name!

Ugh.
[softly] Marco.

Attention, everyone.

We found a lost
elderly gentleman

who goes by the name
of Mortimer.

Can anyone claim him?

[tires squeal]

[overlapping chatter]

Come on, let's move it!

I want prune ice cream.

all: Ohh.

[straining]

[all cheering]

[straining]

Mortimer, ice cream time.

Ahh!
[panting]

Ahh.

[gulps, belches]

[groans]

Brain freeze!

Clear!

Clear!

[whimpers]

Oh. Ah.

Brain food.

[gentle music]

Eh?

Ehh?

Eh.
[straining]

Oh?

[laughter]

[straining]
Eh?

[laughter]

[beeping]

[flat-lines]

[grumbles]

Got you!

[laughter]

Marco!

[grumbles]

Marco!

You!

What I tell youse
about-a yellin' my name?

Ahh!
I-I don't remember.

Um, sometimes
it helps me to remember

if I go into a trance.

I'm seeing a small farmhouse
painted white.

Does that have
any significance to you?

My parents had
a white farmhouse.

What's this?
A baby has been born.

A boy.
There is much happiness.

That's-a me.
I was-a born there.

They are about
to name the boy...

Marco.
They named him Marco.

It's Marco.
Marco!

Polo.

Ahh! If I catch anyone
a-yellin' my name again,

I'm-a gonna hurt them.

Whoo-hoo!
[screaming]

[groans]

- Marco.
- Polo.

Ah-ha-ha!
Found you!

Now it's your turn
to call Marco.

Do I know you,
young man?

Patrick, it's me.
Remember?

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea ♪

I don't know.
A wizard?

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

Ehh.

SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ ♪

[laughs]
The one and only.

Okay, now it's your turn
to call Marco Polo.

Whoa-oh, I can't do that.

I'm all wrinkled now.

I do old stuff.

Old stuff?
Like what?

Check it out.

This is called doddering.

[straining]

Oh, here's another thing
I do now.

It's called gumming.

[lips smacking]

Neat, huh?

Now this part's really fun.

It's called complaining.

These kids today,
they don't know diddly squat.

Ah. Hmm.

Wow, Patrick,
those are all great things,

but wouldn't you rather
go jelly fishing?

Ohh!
No, that hurts.

We could be sand castles.

It's not
structurally sound.

Well, how 'bout
blowing bubbles?

Nothing bad about a bubble.

Ooh.

[explodes]

Are you trying
to kill me, son?

No, I just think
we should act our age.

Remember when
we used to look forward

to rainy days
and building cushion forts?

These days,
I only look forward

to my final exit.

Oh, he was too young.

No, I wasn't!

all: No, he wasn't.
We are not young.

Come on, people.

Just 'cause you're old doesn't
mean you're rotting fish.

You're still vital,
full of life.

Fresh.

Fresh, you say?

Ahh.

[straining]

Okay, you young-at-hearters,

today you are gonna climb
that tree.

[all grumbling]

Yes, yes, that's right!

Put those flabby arms to use.

Laugh at your lumbago.
Cackle at your cataracts.

[all straining, grumbling]

Is it nap time yet?

Nope! It's time
for the dance party!

Everybody on board.

[all muttering]

Are you ready to get down?

Yeah.
[all snoring]

No, not like that.
Like this!

[ragtime music]

Now--now--now--
Now you're talking.

Now let's kick it up
a hundred notches.

[dance music]
Yeah!

- [all grumbling]
- Oh, what's happening?

[flat-line]

Oh, clear!

[panting]

[laughs]

Isn't it great
to get outdoors

with the fresh air
and sunshine?

Stop this rug!

Bunny Buns.
Bunny Buns.

all: Bunny Buns!
Bunny Buns!

Bunny Buns?
That's a good idea.

Nothing makes people
feel young

like arcade games,
grease and sugar.

[upbeat music]

[children chattering, laughing]

This is fun!

♪ ♪

You're coming in too fast
on the bridge

and you're blowing clams.

Ah.
Ohh!

[crying]

Now that's
what I call jazz.

Ha ha. So sorry.

Let me just take this.

[grumbles]
Hmm.

I can help you with that.

[groaning]

- Eww.
- Hey!

[both laughing]

[gurgling]

- Old people, behave!
- Whoa!

[dinging]

23 skidoo!

Oh.
[groans]

SpongeBob!

I'm drowning.
[straining]

I'm coming, Patrick!

[grumbles]

- Thanks, old-timer.
- Oh, you're welcome.

What, who you calling
old-timer?

Whoa.

Where have the years gone?

[both groaning]

I'm losing steam.

[groans]

Wait, hey, man.

Don't make a scene in front
of all my old friends.

Oh.
Ohh.

Now I can't dodder.

[dramatic music]

[beeping]

Here you go, friend.

[flat-lines]
Huh?

[groans]

Got you!

[laughter]

You got me again.

- Marco.
- Polo.

- Marco!
- Oh, that's it!

I said I was-a gonna
clobber the next-a person

what-a calls my name!

No one clobbers Clarabelle!

[engine revs, tires screech]

[groans]

Oh, Marco?

Polo.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪