Spitting Image (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
In the first episode, we find out how Donald Trump got coronavirus, deep dive into the presidential debate and see what Prince Andrew has to say for himself.
Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.
The producers of Spitting Image
have very kindly
offered me a chance to speak
directly to you, the public.
"Come down," they said.
"Sit right there in that chair,"
they said,
"and hold you head just like this."
So, I...
Urgh!
Melania, wake up.
I need help with this tweet.
Urgh, for the last time!
There's only two Fs in covfefe.
Now, put that away and go to sleep.
I can't. I have to retweet
five fake stories,
deny one real one,
and call Meghan Markle an idiot.
Can't someone else do it?
But who?
Who could really capture my style
and swagger?
Got it!
Oh, no...
..not that asshole.
HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS
SQUEAKING AND POPPING
HE STRAINS
KEYBOARD TAPS
Good boy.
I say this,
it spells better than you.
TWEET SENDING TONE
TAPPING
TEXT ALERT
Doesn't that asshole ever sleep?
My family or yours?
Dom, I've been looking at the speech
that you've written.
Rather harsh, you know,
a bit of a sledgehammer.
I'm not sure about starting,
"Attention, you the underclass."
Yes, we should cut the niceties
and get straight to,
"Sacrifice yourself
for the good of the hive."
And by "hive", you mean...?
I mean, future of the hive...
I mean, country.
Are you dissatisfied with me?
Perhaps you would like to fire me.
I don't think
that will be necessary.
I thought not.
BABY GURGLES
So, this is what you call a baby?
Ah, yes. It looks delicious.
May I eat it?
Ha-ha, jolly good.
'Fraid not,
Carrie would be furious.
Then I shall not do that.
Instead, I shall eat
some of your Earth snacks.
SNUFFLING AND SQUELCHING
Ah, good-oh.
Now, you write,
"Composting the drones
"will ensure the survival
of the elite."
Is there a problem?
Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne
type of policy.
It is not Liberal or Conservative,
it is basic hive maintenance.
Yeah, I just want it
a bit more sunlit uplands,
Pimm's in deckchairs,
and a bit less vaporising strikers
with death rays.
EERIE PULSATING NOISE
I didn't come all the way
from Epsilon 5,
I mean Durham, to write a speech
with no death rays.
Perhaps you would like to fire me?
Oh, I don't think
that will be necessary.
I thought not.
I have consumed my snack.
Are you sure I can't eat the baby?
Yes,
I'm sure you can't eat the baby.
EERIE PULSATING NOISE
If I did, would you fire me?
Er, you know,
I don't think that's necessary.
HE MURMURS
And now the weather forecast
with Greta Thunberg.
HOT!
That was the weather
with Greta Thunberg.
Welcome to Case Western
Health Center,
the finest venue in America
for this debate,
since it's a geriatric clinic.
Here are the candidates,
President Donald Trump.
Boo, you're a loser.
OK, the debate rules
specifically said,
you wouldn't throw shoes at me.
Meh!
And former Vice President Joe Biden.
SNORING Huh? Malarkey!
First question, Mr President,
about your taxes.
There's been a lot of fake news
about that.
So fake I had to invent a new word,
phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
So it's not true
you only paid $750 in taxes?
I want to apologise to America
for that.
I'm a smart businessman.
I should have paid nothing.
My accountant didn't tell me
you could deduct gravy funnels.
HE GULPS
Rebuttal, Mr Biden?
Folks, I want to level with you.
Camera's over here.
Thanks.
I mean, let's get the country going
in the right direction.
Next on the agenda,
two minutes of interruptions.
Here's the deal...
Not smart at all...
Nothing done...
Shut up, man...
Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
That actually went as planned.
For the next question,
we will fact check your answers
in real time.
Vice President Biden, where do
you stand on Medicare for all?
Hey, folks, I've always stood
exactly where I am right now,
which, I believe,
is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.
Fact checker?
Partially true.
It does look like
Aunt Ellie's parlour.
My turn! I've been the best
President ever on healthcare.
Better than that loser Washington.
He had zero ventilators
at Pearl Harbor.
I did an excellent job
on this answer.
I'm strong, too.
I can lift a couch.
Buy Trump steaks.
Fact checker?
GUNSHOT
That's the kind of violence you can
expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.
Oh, guys.
I am not taking the bait
from this clown.
Not kindly Uncle Joe
from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania?
I'll beat you like a drum.
THEY BOTH STRAIN
Liar boy!
That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks!
It actually was more dignified
than expected.
Fill her up, mate.
I'm Lewis Hamilton,
Formula 1 driver,
crusader against injustice,
and VAT dodger.
It's time to call out
the big oil and gas polluters
messing up our planet,
apart from my sponsors
Petronas Oil and Gas,
who do a bloody good job
and will not be beaten on price.
CAR REVS THEN SPLUTTERS
Fill her up again, please, mate.
What up, Dom Heads?
It's the Raabocop,
Foreign Secretary
and martial arts madman!
Ha! Ha! Hi-yah!
SMASHING
Today, I'm going to show you
some of my personal,
ultimate fighting master moves.
It's not karate, it's...
Move one - someone's coming in hard
with a tough question.
What do you do?
Use that anywhere.
On radio, Newsnight,
talking to black people.
Put your foot in your mouth.
Move two -
the country's going to shit,
you're supposed to do something,
you have no idea what.
Try this...
Hi-yah!
Don't see no problems in here!
Move three -
you've got things under control,
the press is leaving you alone,
but you need press, man.
How do you get it?
Oh, Raab-arama!
I do this every day.
Zoom right to page one.
That's got to hurt.
Hurts so good.
Ka-Raab-te!
Don't forget to ring the bell
and subscribe.
Our company has to take a stand.
Consumers need to feel like
we care about social justice.
We need to show our product line
opposes systemic racism.
It's 2020, people.
Unlike 2019, it's time for us
to acknowledge the suffering
of black people in America.
But also merchandising.
I got the answer right here.
Black baby Yoda.
Hey!
Matter black lives too.
My gosh, we're woke.
So you're back, you disgusting worm.
Just remember, no photographs,
no touching, no mentioning Ben
& Jerry's ice cream. No, mistress.
So, what repulsive kink
do you want today?
Well, I'd like...
Oh, it's so nasty.
I'd like
unpopular Conservative opinions
only you can get away with.
WHIP CRACKS
Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.
Mm.
We must limit all immigration.
Except for Israelis.
Ooh, you can say it
because you're Asian.
If single mothers
can't afford babies,
they should have abortions.
If they want abortions,
they shouldn't have had sex.
Yes.
You can say it
because you're a woman.
Although it would be nice
if it made sense.
People should only qualify
for universal credit
if they don't need universal credit.
Why do young people love rocket?
It's just smelly leaves.
Black Panther is a terrible movie.
Yes, we think it, you say it.
Oh, I'm close.
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth?
No, I'm close to figuring out
how to chop up he NHS
and sell it in little pieces,
and therefore also close to orgasm.
Sell poppers in corner shops.
Trans women are ducks.
Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.
Enact mandatory morris dancing.
That's too Conservative.
Stop, stop!
Had enough, slime? Yes.
Right, now you do me.
Year on year, fiscal returns
have outpaced projections
by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.
God, I love dull men!
God, I could use a drink.
I can't believe
they figured out our scheme
to reclassify the parliamentary pub
as a canteen
so that it could stay open past ten.
Don't worry, sir,
I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.
Foam party!
God, I love a loophole.
I'm David Attenborough.
Although I'm 94 years old,
I've learned how to use Instagram.
Because our planet is in great...
You look at the phone, David.
Oh, fucking Instagram!
All right, I've finished my clippy.
Where it says signature,
do I put the royal seal?
That's not necessary, Mr...
..Of Wales.
I see here that your previous career
was in realty.
Royalty. But it wasn't a career.
My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't?
But I want a real job,
honest work,
roll up my sleeves,
put jammy on my own scones.
Please read the sign.
Oh, that's a lot to read.
Do you have it on audiobook?
Tell me about
your marketable skills.
I can fly an Apache
tank-killing helicopter.
And have you killed many tanks?
None that I was supposed to.
Hm. Anything else?
I'm good at collecting cheques
from the government.
Do you have that here?
Oh, that's called unemployment.
To get it, you have to have
an actual job first.
Right, right.
Oh, I could cut ribbons
to open hospitals.
I've got my own scissors.
Don't worry, they're safety.
Oh, it's OK.
The same thing happened
at the children's hospital.
Ho-ho, the kids loved it!
Mr and Vice President,
welcome to the CDC labs.
Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.
It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting
for you scientists
to do something about this virus.
It's hanging around
like Eric's aftershave,
Sir, the vaccine is already in
phase three safety
and efficacy line trials.
Uh-huh.
Mansplain that to me, VP.
Sticking people with needles,
seeing what happens.
Not good enough.
I need things to happen now!
Give me something to work with,
lady.
You're smart.
I mean, look at you.
Out on the street you're a five,
but in here with these nerds?
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
As a woman in science,
that's still the most respectful
thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, where is this virus?
In this little beer nut tray?
Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.
Living in its own food, eh?
Let's get Jared working on that
for me.
You scientists gotta treat
this virus like a businessman.
Make a deal, bang his wife,
declare bankruptcy, skip town.
Er, what are you proposing?
Get me across the table
with this virus dude.
I'll negotiate us a great deal,
people are saying the best deal.
Huh. Well, this is kind of
out of the blue, but, er...
..we do have a shrink ray.
Less yappin', more zappin'.
SHRINK RAY WHIRS
Coroney, you got New York style.
I think you and I can make a deal.
There's an art to it, according to
the guy who wrote my book.
Why should I make a deal?
Things are going great for me.
I can make things easier.
You leave the rest of us alone
and you can have all the old people.
We're talking men over 90,
women over 27.
Throw in fat people.
Fat women? And men.
No deal.
I'm already letting you have
all the poor and ethnic types.
We never asked for them.
Well, they're yours.
No take backs.
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.
This negotiation is over.
I'm not leaving without a win.
What is that?
A squirt gun.
Filled with
the longest word I know -
Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy-
chlorocline.
Mm, good stuff.
Can I get some more?
You know, Coroney?
You're everything I like.
You're tough, you're sneaky,
you're a threat to humanity.
I want you in my organisation.
Interesting.
What did you have in mind?
I'll explain it on the way up.
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.
WHIRRING
THEY GASP
Oh, my God, sir!
You brought it back with you!
Pence...
..you're fired.
I knew the hydroxy
would kill something annoying.
BOTH LAUGH EVILLY
Say hello
to your new Vice President.
GASPS
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas
now that I'm in charge of
the Anti-Virus Task Force.
It's great to have a guy like this
just a heartbeat away
from the presidency.
SPLAT
Hey, it's the husband
formerly known as Prince.
Any luck getting a job?
They had me driving for Uber Eats,
but there were too many damn rules!
"Don't touch the food, don't taste
the food, drive on the road."
I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.
But then, I was driving
down the sidewalk in Hollywood
and I saw something amazing!
People dress up in costumes,
like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow,
and pose with tourists,
a dollar a photo!
That's perfect!
You love people, you're good
at getting your photo taken.
And I've already got a costume!
All right,
who's ready for a photo with Hitler?
Anybody?
How about Hitler and Pikachu?
Who wouldn't want a picture
with Hitler and Pikachu?
GRUFF VOICE: Pikachu!
Agh!
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
SNIFFS Mm-mm.
Real brainteaser, that.
It's all edge!
Now, what's this I hear about
a problem with the college students?
Because of the rise
in campus infection rates,
we had to impose
some mild restrictions.
Love it. What have we done?
We've locked them up.
I see no problem.
The larvae flourish when confined
to their hexagonal pods.
D-d-doesn't that make
the universities rather...
..prisony? Shut up, Hancock.
Sorry, fair point.
I'll stand behind the plant.
This quadruples the prison
population at a stroke.
Hashtag vote winner!
The students are complaining
that they're stuck in their rooms,
they have to attend lectures online
and they can't go home
for the holidays.
Let me get this straight.
These kids lie around all day
in their jim-jams,
spaffing on the internet,
non-stop rummage in the scrummage,
and there's absolutely no way
they'll see their family
at Christmas?
Yes, Prime Minister.
Hey, what's that?
ALL GASP
So, fellow students,
who fancies two pints of vodka
and a game of human Jenga?
Who are you again?
I'm the new boy, Johnson B,
The Bozemeister.
Reading Classics,
like I give a damn, right?
Erm, boundaries?
As in let's cross them, eh?
Well, break out the green,
I brought the parliamentary bong.
Smoking marijuana
is cultural appropriation.
Crikey, statue topplers, eh?
What do you do for kicks
around here?
I'm teaching myself coding.
I'm curating a web page
for vegan profiteroles.
Sounds rather serious.
University is serious.
We're here to study,
not to waste time.
Not at £9,000 a year.
How much?! 9,000.
What's that?
What a bunch of idiots.
Well, the costume thing went OK,
but not great.
Somebody gave me $20.
For a single picture?
Yeah, to stay out of
a single picture.
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is -
Prince, Hitler...
Maybe I'm just not qualified
for anything.
That's not true!
You're a great husband,
a good-hearted man,
you've got big, muscular teeth.
Thanks, Meg.
And I guess now
I'm qualified for this!
Unemployment!
Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer!
Hi. It's me again.
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star,
enviro-campaigner
and offshore tax haven lover.
Human rights abuses
have got to stop now. End of.
Apart from in China, Russia and
Bahrain - I do have to race there.
But apart from them, sort it out!
REVS ENGINE
I used to date a Pussycat Doll!
PIANO PLAYS
Kier, loving your whole radical
shake-up of the Labour Party.
Love. In'. It.
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.
Please, just Elton.
Anyway, bit of advice -
I think you could
zhoosh this up a bit.
I don't know. I don't want to
distract from my message.
The look IS the message.
You're going up against Boris
Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera
Johnson.
'Ere, let's try something.
You see, that's better already,
love.
Now, pretend
I'm the House of Commons.
All right...
Under proposed changes
to Universal Credit...
No!
Stop. Stop!
There's still something missing.
Hang on.
I think we've cracked it.
You do know we're the Labour Party?
Shut it! Now, give it some zazz.
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.
No. I'm sorry,
it's still not quite working.
There's only one option.
But, Elton...
SIR Elton!
We call for another urgent review...
Buhh! I tell you
what the problem with you is,
I'm not on drugs.
GENERAL HUBBUB AND SHOUTING
Seven of you?
Gathered together?
No, no, no.
This is dangerous and i-illegal.
MURMURED APOLOGIES
You know how to make
an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.
ALL CHEER
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.
Happy Sunday, everybody.
We're only a few weeks away
from the election,
arguably the most important day
in our country's history
since the premiere of
Jumanji 2: Welcome To The Jungle!
Now, I've never endorsed
a presidential candidate,
although I have endorsed
pretty much everything else,
including The Rock's
delicious Tequila!
Great before, during
or after your workout.
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.
That's why I'm taking the bold step
of bravely endorsing the odds-on
favourite presidential candidate -
Joe Biden.
MUFFLED VOICE: Aren't you forgetting
something, you giant goose?
It's my little pocket pal,
Kevin Hart!
Don't forget to plug our new movie!
That's not what this is about,
Kevin.
Don't miss Jumanji 3:
This Time It's Contractual.
Oh, and Kamala Harris.
Can I have a Kevin snack?
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!
What a fantastic day in New Zealand.
Meat pies, ginger crunch
and a positive balance of trade
with China.
I know, but sometimes I think...
..couldn't things here
be MORE fantastic?
Where there's a wish, there's a way!
BOTH: Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern!
Kia ora, children.
What healthful weather we're having.
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.
Why, Jacinda Ardern,
are you boasting?
Practically perfect people
never boast,
they just get re-elected forever.
♪ In a world of strongmen
A nice lady came along
♪ I'm kind and smart and young and
Kind and good and kind and young
♪ When I became New Zealand's boss
I knew just what to do
♪ Initiate a nanny state
And turn our grey skies blue!
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda
♪ Never mean and always green
And such a lovely grin-na
♪ If a virus comes around
She'll stop it going in ya
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda!
♪ Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie
Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch
♪ I banned all assault weapons
And enforced a living wage
♪ I gave birth to a child
At an advanced maternal age
♪ I put us into lockdown
Faster than the Yanks and Brits
♪ And now NZ is virus-free
We've kicked it in the tits! Oh!
♪ Super-quick Jacinda
Taking action straight away
♪ That virus had no chance against
Our badass Kiwi bae
♪ With her gentle touch
And iron fist
♪ Cleared COVID off the scene
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪
COUGHS Young man,
do you have the impertinence
to be ill in New Zealand?
I was just clearing my throat.
I'm probably fine.
Do you know how hard it is
to quarantine two small islands
with low population
and a wealth of natural resources
that renders us
completely self-sufficient?!
Not... that... hard?
That's quite enough of that. I can
see there's only one thing to do.
SPLAT
I am delighted to announce
no new cases of coronavirus!
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪
The ignorant and lazy adults that
have robbed me off my future,
by which I mean network executives,
have told me to bring
a lighter touch
and also to cover
afternoon drive time.
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.
Chance of sprinkles,
don't forget your brellie.
All clear by your evening commute.
Tomorrow
and for the rest of eternity -
HOT!
TYPING AND SENDING NOISE
Subtitles by ITV SignPost
The producers of Spitting Image
have very kindly
offered me a chance to speak
directly to you, the public.
"Come down," they said.
"Sit right there in that chair,"
they said,
"and hold you head just like this."
So, I...
Urgh!
Melania, wake up.
I need help with this tweet.
Urgh, for the last time!
There's only two Fs in covfefe.
Now, put that away and go to sleep.
I can't. I have to retweet
five fake stories,
deny one real one,
and call Meghan Markle an idiot.
Can't someone else do it?
But who?
Who could really capture my style
and swagger?
Got it!
Oh, no...
..not that asshole.
HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS
SQUEAKING AND POPPING
HE STRAINS
KEYBOARD TAPS
Good boy.
I say this,
it spells better than you.
TWEET SENDING TONE
TAPPING
TEXT ALERT
Doesn't that asshole ever sleep?
My family or yours?
Dom, I've been looking at the speech
that you've written.
Rather harsh, you know,
a bit of a sledgehammer.
I'm not sure about starting,
"Attention, you the underclass."
Yes, we should cut the niceties
and get straight to,
"Sacrifice yourself
for the good of the hive."
And by "hive", you mean...?
I mean, future of the hive...
I mean, country.
Are you dissatisfied with me?
Perhaps you would like to fire me.
I don't think
that will be necessary.
I thought not.
BABY GURGLES
So, this is what you call a baby?
Ah, yes. It looks delicious.
May I eat it?
Ha-ha, jolly good.
'Fraid not,
Carrie would be furious.
Then I shall not do that.
Instead, I shall eat
some of your Earth snacks.
SNUFFLING AND SQUELCHING
Ah, good-oh.
Now, you write,
"Composting the drones
"will ensure the survival
of the elite."
Is there a problem?
Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne
type of policy.
It is not Liberal or Conservative,
it is basic hive maintenance.
Yeah, I just want it
a bit more sunlit uplands,
Pimm's in deckchairs,
and a bit less vaporising strikers
with death rays.
EERIE PULSATING NOISE
I didn't come all the way
from Epsilon 5,
I mean Durham, to write a speech
with no death rays.
Perhaps you would like to fire me?
Oh, I don't think
that will be necessary.
I thought not.
I have consumed my snack.
Are you sure I can't eat the baby?
Yes,
I'm sure you can't eat the baby.
EERIE PULSATING NOISE
If I did, would you fire me?
Er, you know,
I don't think that's necessary.
HE MURMURS
And now the weather forecast
with Greta Thunberg.
HOT!
That was the weather
with Greta Thunberg.
Welcome to Case Western
Health Center,
the finest venue in America
for this debate,
since it's a geriatric clinic.
Here are the candidates,
President Donald Trump.
Boo, you're a loser.
OK, the debate rules
specifically said,
you wouldn't throw shoes at me.
Meh!
And former Vice President Joe Biden.
SNORING Huh? Malarkey!
First question, Mr President,
about your taxes.
There's been a lot of fake news
about that.
So fake I had to invent a new word,
phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
So it's not true
you only paid $750 in taxes?
I want to apologise to America
for that.
I'm a smart businessman.
I should have paid nothing.
My accountant didn't tell me
you could deduct gravy funnels.
HE GULPS
Rebuttal, Mr Biden?
Folks, I want to level with you.
Camera's over here.
Thanks.
I mean, let's get the country going
in the right direction.
Next on the agenda,
two minutes of interruptions.
Here's the deal...
Not smart at all...
Nothing done...
Shut up, man...
Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
That actually went as planned.
For the next question,
we will fact check your answers
in real time.
Vice President Biden, where do
you stand on Medicare for all?
Hey, folks, I've always stood
exactly where I am right now,
which, I believe,
is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.
Fact checker?
Partially true.
It does look like
Aunt Ellie's parlour.
My turn! I've been the best
President ever on healthcare.
Better than that loser Washington.
He had zero ventilators
at Pearl Harbor.
I did an excellent job
on this answer.
I'm strong, too.
I can lift a couch.
Buy Trump steaks.
Fact checker?
GUNSHOT
That's the kind of violence you can
expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.
Oh, guys.
I am not taking the bait
from this clown.
Not kindly Uncle Joe
from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania?
I'll beat you like a drum.
THEY BOTH STRAIN
Liar boy!
That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks!
It actually was more dignified
than expected.
Fill her up, mate.
I'm Lewis Hamilton,
Formula 1 driver,
crusader against injustice,
and VAT dodger.
It's time to call out
the big oil and gas polluters
messing up our planet,
apart from my sponsors
Petronas Oil and Gas,
who do a bloody good job
and will not be beaten on price.
CAR REVS THEN SPLUTTERS
Fill her up again, please, mate.
What up, Dom Heads?
It's the Raabocop,
Foreign Secretary
and martial arts madman!
Ha! Ha! Hi-yah!
SMASHING
Today, I'm going to show you
some of my personal,
ultimate fighting master moves.
It's not karate, it's...
Move one - someone's coming in hard
with a tough question.
What do you do?
Use that anywhere.
On radio, Newsnight,
talking to black people.
Put your foot in your mouth.
Move two -
the country's going to shit,
you're supposed to do something,
you have no idea what.
Try this...
Hi-yah!
Don't see no problems in here!
Move three -
you've got things under control,
the press is leaving you alone,
but you need press, man.
How do you get it?
Oh, Raab-arama!
I do this every day.
Zoom right to page one.
That's got to hurt.
Hurts so good.
Ka-Raab-te!
Don't forget to ring the bell
and subscribe.
Our company has to take a stand.
Consumers need to feel like
we care about social justice.
We need to show our product line
opposes systemic racism.
It's 2020, people.
Unlike 2019, it's time for us
to acknowledge the suffering
of black people in America.
But also merchandising.
I got the answer right here.
Black baby Yoda.
Hey!
Matter black lives too.
My gosh, we're woke.
So you're back, you disgusting worm.
Just remember, no photographs,
no touching, no mentioning Ben
& Jerry's ice cream. No, mistress.
So, what repulsive kink
do you want today?
Well, I'd like...
Oh, it's so nasty.
I'd like
unpopular Conservative opinions
only you can get away with.
WHIP CRACKS
Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.
Mm.
We must limit all immigration.
Except for Israelis.
Ooh, you can say it
because you're Asian.
If single mothers
can't afford babies,
they should have abortions.
If they want abortions,
they shouldn't have had sex.
Yes.
You can say it
because you're a woman.
Although it would be nice
if it made sense.
People should only qualify
for universal credit
if they don't need universal credit.
Why do young people love rocket?
It's just smelly leaves.
Black Panther is a terrible movie.
Yes, we think it, you say it.
Oh, I'm close.
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth?
No, I'm close to figuring out
how to chop up he NHS
and sell it in little pieces,
and therefore also close to orgasm.
Sell poppers in corner shops.
Trans women are ducks.
Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.
Enact mandatory morris dancing.
That's too Conservative.
Stop, stop!
Had enough, slime? Yes.
Right, now you do me.
Year on year, fiscal returns
have outpaced projections
by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.
God, I love dull men!
God, I could use a drink.
I can't believe
they figured out our scheme
to reclassify the parliamentary pub
as a canteen
so that it could stay open past ten.
Don't worry, sir,
I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.
Foam party!
God, I love a loophole.
I'm David Attenborough.
Although I'm 94 years old,
I've learned how to use Instagram.
Because our planet is in great...
You look at the phone, David.
Oh, fucking Instagram!
All right, I've finished my clippy.
Where it says signature,
do I put the royal seal?
That's not necessary, Mr...
..Of Wales.
I see here that your previous career
was in realty.
Royalty. But it wasn't a career.
My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't?
But I want a real job,
honest work,
roll up my sleeves,
put jammy on my own scones.
Please read the sign.
Oh, that's a lot to read.
Do you have it on audiobook?
Tell me about
your marketable skills.
I can fly an Apache
tank-killing helicopter.
And have you killed many tanks?
None that I was supposed to.
Hm. Anything else?
I'm good at collecting cheques
from the government.
Do you have that here?
Oh, that's called unemployment.
To get it, you have to have
an actual job first.
Right, right.
Oh, I could cut ribbons
to open hospitals.
I've got my own scissors.
Don't worry, they're safety.
Oh, it's OK.
The same thing happened
at the children's hospital.
Ho-ho, the kids loved it!
Mr and Vice President,
welcome to the CDC labs.
Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.
It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting
for you scientists
to do something about this virus.
It's hanging around
like Eric's aftershave,
Sir, the vaccine is already in
phase three safety
and efficacy line trials.
Uh-huh.
Mansplain that to me, VP.
Sticking people with needles,
seeing what happens.
Not good enough.
I need things to happen now!
Give me something to work with,
lady.
You're smart.
I mean, look at you.
Out on the street you're a five,
but in here with these nerds?
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
As a woman in science,
that's still the most respectful
thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, where is this virus?
In this little beer nut tray?
Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.
Living in its own food, eh?
Let's get Jared working on that
for me.
You scientists gotta treat
this virus like a businessman.
Make a deal, bang his wife,
declare bankruptcy, skip town.
Er, what are you proposing?
Get me across the table
with this virus dude.
I'll negotiate us a great deal,
people are saying the best deal.
Huh. Well, this is kind of
out of the blue, but, er...
..we do have a shrink ray.
Less yappin', more zappin'.
SHRINK RAY WHIRS
Coroney, you got New York style.
I think you and I can make a deal.
There's an art to it, according to
the guy who wrote my book.
Why should I make a deal?
Things are going great for me.
I can make things easier.
You leave the rest of us alone
and you can have all the old people.
We're talking men over 90,
women over 27.
Throw in fat people.
Fat women? And men.
No deal.
I'm already letting you have
all the poor and ethnic types.
We never asked for them.
Well, they're yours.
No take backs.
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.
This negotiation is over.
I'm not leaving without a win.
What is that?
A squirt gun.
Filled with
the longest word I know -
Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy-
chlorocline.
Mm, good stuff.
Can I get some more?
You know, Coroney?
You're everything I like.
You're tough, you're sneaky,
you're a threat to humanity.
I want you in my organisation.
Interesting.
What did you have in mind?
I'll explain it on the way up.
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.
WHIRRING
THEY GASP
Oh, my God, sir!
You brought it back with you!
Pence...
..you're fired.
I knew the hydroxy
would kill something annoying.
BOTH LAUGH EVILLY
Say hello
to your new Vice President.
GASPS
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas
now that I'm in charge of
the Anti-Virus Task Force.
It's great to have a guy like this
just a heartbeat away
from the presidency.
SPLAT
Hey, it's the husband
formerly known as Prince.
Any luck getting a job?
They had me driving for Uber Eats,
but there were too many damn rules!
"Don't touch the food, don't taste
the food, drive on the road."
I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.
But then, I was driving
down the sidewalk in Hollywood
and I saw something amazing!
People dress up in costumes,
like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow,
and pose with tourists,
a dollar a photo!
That's perfect!
You love people, you're good
at getting your photo taken.
And I've already got a costume!
All right,
who's ready for a photo with Hitler?
Anybody?
How about Hitler and Pikachu?
Who wouldn't want a picture
with Hitler and Pikachu?
GRUFF VOICE: Pikachu!
Agh!
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
SNIFFS Mm-mm.
Real brainteaser, that.
It's all edge!
Now, what's this I hear about
a problem with the college students?
Because of the rise
in campus infection rates,
we had to impose
some mild restrictions.
Love it. What have we done?
We've locked them up.
I see no problem.
The larvae flourish when confined
to their hexagonal pods.
D-d-doesn't that make
the universities rather...
..prisony? Shut up, Hancock.
Sorry, fair point.
I'll stand behind the plant.
This quadruples the prison
population at a stroke.
Hashtag vote winner!
The students are complaining
that they're stuck in their rooms,
they have to attend lectures online
and they can't go home
for the holidays.
Let me get this straight.
These kids lie around all day
in their jim-jams,
spaffing on the internet,
non-stop rummage in the scrummage,
and there's absolutely no way
they'll see their family
at Christmas?
Yes, Prime Minister.
Hey, what's that?
ALL GASP
So, fellow students,
who fancies two pints of vodka
and a game of human Jenga?
Who are you again?
I'm the new boy, Johnson B,
The Bozemeister.
Reading Classics,
like I give a damn, right?
Erm, boundaries?
As in let's cross them, eh?
Well, break out the green,
I brought the parliamentary bong.
Smoking marijuana
is cultural appropriation.
Crikey, statue topplers, eh?
What do you do for kicks
around here?
I'm teaching myself coding.
I'm curating a web page
for vegan profiteroles.
Sounds rather serious.
University is serious.
We're here to study,
not to waste time.
Not at £9,000 a year.
How much?! 9,000.
What's that?
What a bunch of idiots.
Well, the costume thing went OK,
but not great.
Somebody gave me $20.
For a single picture?
Yeah, to stay out of
a single picture.
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is -
Prince, Hitler...
Maybe I'm just not qualified
for anything.
That's not true!
You're a great husband,
a good-hearted man,
you've got big, muscular teeth.
Thanks, Meg.
And I guess now
I'm qualified for this!
Unemployment!
Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer!
Hi. It's me again.
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star,
enviro-campaigner
and offshore tax haven lover.
Human rights abuses
have got to stop now. End of.
Apart from in China, Russia and
Bahrain - I do have to race there.
But apart from them, sort it out!
REVS ENGINE
I used to date a Pussycat Doll!
PIANO PLAYS
Kier, loving your whole radical
shake-up of the Labour Party.
Love. In'. It.
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.
Please, just Elton.
Anyway, bit of advice -
I think you could
zhoosh this up a bit.
I don't know. I don't want to
distract from my message.
The look IS the message.
You're going up against Boris
Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera
Johnson.
'Ere, let's try something.
You see, that's better already,
love.
Now, pretend
I'm the House of Commons.
All right...
Under proposed changes
to Universal Credit...
No!
Stop. Stop!
There's still something missing.
Hang on.
I think we've cracked it.
You do know we're the Labour Party?
Shut it! Now, give it some zazz.
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.
No. I'm sorry,
it's still not quite working.
There's only one option.
But, Elton...
SIR Elton!
We call for another urgent review...
Buhh! I tell you
what the problem with you is,
I'm not on drugs.
GENERAL HUBBUB AND SHOUTING
Seven of you?
Gathered together?
No, no, no.
This is dangerous and i-illegal.
MURMURED APOLOGIES
You know how to make
an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.
ALL CHEER
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.
Happy Sunday, everybody.
We're only a few weeks away
from the election,
arguably the most important day
in our country's history
since the premiere of
Jumanji 2: Welcome To The Jungle!
Now, I've never endorsed
a presidential candidate,
although I have endorsed
pretty much everything else,
including The Rock's
delicious Tequila!
Great before, during
or after your workout.
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.
That's why I'm taking the bold step
of bravely endorsing the odds-on
favourite presidential candidate -
Joe Biden.
MUFFLED VOICE: Aren't you forgetting
something, you giant goose?
It's my little pocket pal,
Kevin Hart!
Don't forget to plug our new movie!
That's not what this is about,
Kevin.
Don't miss Jumanji 3:
This Time It's Contractual.
Oh, and Kamala Harris.
Can I have a Kevin snack?
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!
What a fantastic day in New Zealand.
Meat pies, ginger crunch
and a positive balance of trade
with China.
I know, but sometimes I think...
..couldn't things here
be MORE fantastic?
Where there's a wish, there's a way!
BOTH: Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern!
Kia ora, children.
What healthful weather we're having.
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.
Why, Jacinda Ardern,
are you boasting?
Practically perfect people
never boast,
they just get re-elected forever.
♪ In a world of strongmen
A nice lady came along
♪ I'm kind and smart and young and
Kind and good and kind and young
♪ When I became New Zealand's boss
I knew just what to do
♪ Initiate a nanny state
And turn our grey skies blue!
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda
♪ Never mean and always green
And such a lovely grin-na
♪ If a virus comes around
She'll stop it going in ya
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda!
♪ Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie
Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch
♪ I banned all assault weapons
And enforced a living wage
♪ I gave birth to a child
At an advanced maternal age
♪ I put us into lockdown
Faster than the Yanks and Brits
♪ And now NZ is virus-free
We've kicked it in the tits! Oh!
♪ Super-quick Jacinda
Taking action straight away
♪ That virus had no chance against
Our badass Kiwi bae
♪ With her gentle touch
And iron fist
♪ Cleared COVID off the scene
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪
COUGHS Young man,
do you have the impertinence
to be ill in New Zealand?
I was just clearing my throat.
I'm probably fine.
Do you know how hard it is
to quarantine two small islands
with low population
and a wealth of natural resources
that renders us
completely self-sufficient?!
Not... that... hard?
That's quite enough of that. I can
see there's only one thing to do.
SPLAT
I am delighted to announce
no new cases of coronavirus!
♪ Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! ♪
The ignorant and lazy adults that
have robbed me off my future,
by which I mean network executives,
have told me to bring
a lighter touch
and also to cover
afternoon drive time.
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.
Chance of sprinkles,
don't forget your brellie.
All clear by your evening commute.
Tomorrow
and for the rest of eternity -
HOT!
TYPING AND SENDING NOISE
Subtitles by ITV SignPost