Speechless (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - C-H-O-CHOIR - full transcript

[Festive music playing]

Oh, my gosh.

Wow.

I know.

It's perfect, isn't it?

Other than the two feet
of it on the ceiling.

No more sad, fake tree.

A real one, to cherish

and, after a month,
drag to the sidewalk and dump,

where it will mock us for weeks

while we shout, "Who was
supposed to pick this up?



Is there a number we can call?"

D-Does Rockefeller
Center know it's missing?

This beautiful tree is a symbol

of what our Christmas
will be like this year...

Big, big, big, and sappy!

"Why?"

Because, for the first time ever,

I am full of Christmas spirit.

I believe in the
goodness of my fellow man.

I mean, it's been a fantastic year.

You kids are in a great new school.

Kenneth is making our lives better.

Did you just compliment Kenneth?

Did I?



I guess that's goodbye to Ol' Bessie.

Eh.

Stick her in the bathroom,

we'll have toilet brushes forever.

We're a "toilet brush" family now?

Well, you know the best thing?

I have been squirreling a little away,

so don't hold back
on your Christmas lists.

No practical gifts.

No sweet, homemade,
"It's the thought that counts."

This year, it is th presents that count!

How big are we talking?

- New sneakers?
- Bigger.

"Cool headphones?"

Bigger.

We each get our own computer?

I mean... no, man. No.

Can we please stop for gas?

No time, Ray.

My day is scheduled to the millisecond.

Drop you off,

make snacks for Dylan's
track-team-parent meeting,

get the groceries, pick up Dylan,

take her to orthodontist,

get presents, track-team meeting.

I mean, I'd hope to pee,

but it's gonna have
to wait till tomorrow.

The gauge is now below "E"!

Oh, trust the van, Ray.

Remember our Hanukkah miracle?

We thought it was gonna run
out of gas after one mile,

and what happened?

It ran out after eight.

♪ ♪

Hey! Hey, where you going, bud?

Not college.

I just had a meeting with
my guidance counselor.

She said I'm not sufficiently
well-rounded enough

for today's top universities.

But you've got really good grades.

That's not enough, Kenneth! Wake up!

I need extracurriculars!

Is there a "taking a tone
with the wrong guy" club

- you can join?
- [Chuckles]

You should be freaking out, too, JJ.

You're not in any extracurriculars.

"Wheelchair essay. Hello, Harvard."

Is that the plan?

Nice.

This is very helpful. Thanks.

Come on, kiddo. It's not that big a deal.

You got a couple years.
Just pick an activity.

I need more than that.

I need to distinguish myself.

I need to join something
and be amazing at it.

"Don't worry.

I'll remember you when
I sell my tech company."

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

Come on!

[Laughs]

He looks like Bill Gates a little bit.

["Jingle Bells" plays]

In the van, apples! No time!

In the van, materialism! No time!

In the van, braces! No time!

Group: [Flatly] ♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord has come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her King ♪

♪ Let every ♪

Leave us alone.

We're not bothering anyone.

No, I'm not here to cause trouble.

I'd like to speak with the
president of the choir.

Well, there is no president.

There is now.

Tad: Thank you all for being here.

Before we move on, a couple thank you's.

For chairing our bake sale,
Amy, thank you.

For serving as parking coordinator,

Tom, thank you.

For making our Family
Fun Run such a success,

Carly, thank you.

Next item...

Approving the minutes
from our last meeting.

We started by acknowledging the success

of the car-wash fundraiser.

For this, Natalie was thanked.

[Thud]

Well done, Natalie.

Cheers, yeah?

Mm, that's me.

[Insects chirping]

And finally, we need someone

to record times at
tomorrow's Reindeer Run.

Any takers?

Ahh!

Maya, thank you.

Making a note so I don't forget.

[Whispering] What am I
pretending to write down?

- [Whispering] Reindeer Run.
- Reindeer Run.

And that concludes our meeting.

So soon?

Always leave them wanting more, Tad.

Thank you.

Thank you.

My van. It's gone.

- What?
- Someone stole my van!

Are you sure you didn't
park somewhere else?

Of course not! It was stolen!

This is a very safe
neighborhood, Mrs. DiMeo.

It seems pretty unlikely.

Last week, I lost my car at the mall.

I was sure it was on P4,

but I found it an hour later.

You'll never guess where I found it.

P3.

What, you think there's
a downstairs, do you?

It's a bloody street, love.

My van has been stolen...
My child's wheelchair van.

I bet she parked it somewhere else.

- Than...
- Do not say "thank you"!

[Flatly] ♪ Mah, may, mee, moe, moo ♪

Oh, sorry. Did I not mention?

♪ Guess who got a solo
in the Winter Festival ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me ♪

You joined choir?

- "For your résumé?"
- At first.

But a funny thing happened
on the way to Stanford.

Turns out, I rock at choral singing.

When you think about it,
it's meant to be.

Do, re, mi?

Get it... Ray, me.

Yeah, he is. A big one.

It's not just the van.

They stole Christmas, Jimmy.

- [Door closes]
- All the gifts.

The video games,
the classic comic books...

the fancy heated toilet seat.

You... You got me that?

I did, and it's gone.

Okay, hey.

All right, we need to
be strong for the kids.

But... did it have, like, the...
the... the water jets?

Yeah, like the fountains at the Bellagio.

"I was thinking..."

Hey, kids. Uh, we have some bad news.

Yeah, I was in the track meeting,

and, uh, when I came outside,
the van was stolen.

What? Our van?

But... Oh, no. How's JJ gonna get around?

Don't worry. We filed a report.

They'll either replace it
or insurance will cover it.

In the meantime, we'll make it work.

Someone took a kid's wheelchair van?

At Christmas?

[Scoffs] The world is a terrible place.

No, the world is good.

One bad act doesn't change that.

I mean, maybe whoever took
it needed it more than us.

Huh?

"I need it kind of a lot."

Dylan: Mom's right, guys.

I mean, I believe in her

and her Christmas spirit.

This is going to be the
best Christmas ever,

with the love and the tree.

Ray: "And the presents...
Tons and tons of presents."

Yeah, you're right.

They didn't take that
stuff too, did they?

I, uh...

No. No one did.

I made you a promise,
and I am gonna deliver.

Nothing has changed.

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Starting now.

♪ God rest ye merry, gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

- ♪ Remember Christ, our Savior ♪
- What is your plan?

- ♪ Was born on Christmas day ♪
- Why is he singing?

♪ Oh, tidings of com... ♪

Ray.

Please stop.

Mom, Dad said you're coming to my race?

Yes!

This is the best gift you could give me.

You're gonna see me run.

Want a little sneak peek?

Sure, I'd love a...

Very impressive!

Okay, JJ's power chair
only fits in the van,

so you take the kids to school,

throw this chair in the back of your car.

You gonna be okay in this?

JJ is first-class.

This is economy-plus at best.

"I hate the push chair."

Fine, I'll I'll get the
power chair to school.

I can't believe someone stole that van.

People are the worst.

Bup! No, no, no.

Christmas spirit.

Smell the tree, listen to the dweeb.

♪ Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o... ♪

I have to take all the kids?

♪ ...o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria ♪

All right, let's go, y'all.

Maya: Bye.

- Bye!
- Bye!

- It's gonna be a good day.
- Yeah.

We are gonna get this Christmas season

back on track.

I'm gonna call the insurance
about the van,

find a way to get the power chair to JJ,

and meet you at the mall.

All right.

Now... uh.

How do you even work this thing?

I see you playing in that all the time.

Okay, bye.

[Whirring]

- [Indistinct conversations]
- Oh, yeah.

What's going on here?

Did ever guy in school join choir?

Yeah, man. The teacher's so hot.

I mean, I guess she has
a certain mature appeal.

I'm not gonna say I had no thoughts.

Not Mrs. Wofford. She retired.

The new teacher.

Hello, everyone! Welcome to choir!

Ms. Bloom.

What a thrill to have so many people here

for the pure joy of music.

Now, who's ready to
get into a little "treble"?

[Laughter]

It's funny, right?

This is ridiculous.

What kind of perverts would join choir

just to ogle over some woman?

Kenneth: "Hello, there.

I'm here to join choir."

You've got to be kidding me.

♪ ♪

Come on, battery.

Christmas miracle.

[Beep-boop]

Did that last block in eight minutes.

Better.

Phew! Whew!

Punch it.

[Bus tires screech, hiss]

It's a miracle. Move.

Hey, can you lower the lift, please?

Sorry, sir. Full up.

You're gonna turn me away?
I'm a guy and a wheelchair.

You're not in a wheelchair.

You heard me wrong.

I said "a guy and a wheelchair" fast

so it would sound more sympathetic.

- Come on, let me on.
- Sorry.

[Sighs] Or somebody get off.

I got to get my kid his wheelchair.

Nobody. Okay.

Merry Christmas. Enjoy Hell.

[Door hinges squeak]

Okay.

This card's been declined, as well.

Declined. Declined.

Library card. Declined.

Try the library card again.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm going to appeal
to your Christmas spirit.

I already bought all these things

for my kids yesterday.

They were stolen. Please help me.

This could be one of those
viral holiday stories...

Christmas is saved,
all because of the big heart

pounding inside the chest of...

"Trainee."

This is some test for
my training, isn't it?

No.

No, I will not give
away free merchandise.

Merry Christmas.

[Beep-boop]

[Beep-boop]

[Beep-boop]

[Beep-boop, wheelchair powers down]

[Lever rattling]

And it's dead.

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

Better.

Definitely heard fewer
fart sounds that time.

But, remember,
the goal is no fart sounds.

These meatheads.

They should be out on
the field, not in choir.

Kenneth: "Don't put us
meatheads in a box."

Can't you go stare at
a girl somewhere else?

This is so dumb. You can't even sing.

Oh, was... is that crazy?

"I've got a better voice than you."

What does that even mean?

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't drag me in the middle
of some brother thing.

These pipes are for healing,
not for hurting.

Ms. Bloom: Now, as I'm sure you've heard,

this year's Winter Concert will
feature a solo performance.

So, which one of you songbirds
is going to audition?

[Scattered clamoring]

Oh, no, um, I'm sorry.

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Ms. Wofford already
gave me the solo, so...

Do I look like Ms. Wofford?

[Indistinct exclamations]

Okay!

Let's get started.

Please.

[Flatly] ♪ Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi ♪

Russell, is it?

[Chuckles]

Asher.

[Loudly] ♪ Mi, mi ♪

Next!

JJ.

Let's hear what you've got.

♪ O holy night ♪

♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪

JJ...

That was breathtaking.

Now take it from the bridge.

♪ Fall on your knees ♪

A little more vibrato.

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
hear the angel voice-e-es ♪

Together: ♪ O night divine ♪

Can I point something out?

I have heard the voice of an angel.

And his name is JJ.

You just earned yourself a solo!

[Cheers and applause]

"Looks like I can sing."

[Elevator dings]

Oh. That's not the face of
someone who saved Christmas.

Let's just go to Dylan's race.

[Sighs] Where's the car?

Uh-oh.

Do you remember where you parked?

Yes. Somewhere.

Great. That eliminates nowhere.

Well, we know it's on P3.

Which aisle?

The one with the Prius.

Okay, um, Dylan's
race is in a half an hour.

- Let's split up.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

Excuse me. Hi.

Are you leaving?

Could we please have your space?

You know, I actually can't find my car.

Could you give me a lift 'round so I...

[Window whirs]

I'm trying to believe in humanity here!

[Gasps] Did you find it?

No, but the insurance
company called about the van.

Did they find that? What, is it in here,

along with ever other car in the world?

They are prepared to send us a check.

They have valued the van at $250.

No!

That's what I said,

but even more high-pitched.

It was embarrassing.

I can't deal with this now, Jimmy!

We've got to find the car!

Are you sure it was on P3?
Maybe I should check P4.

Who do you think I am, hmm?

That dingbat from the track-team meeting?

It is not on P4!

So, technically, you were right.

It wasn't on P4.

Please don't be kind to me right now.

Darling.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

I did everything I could.

Did I miss much?

Oh.

- I failed at everything.
- [Sighs]

I have literally no idea where we parked.

♪ It's the most wonderful
time of the year ♪

♪ ♪

We need to talk!

I'm sick of this, JJ!

Give me back my solo.

Say something!

"Concert tomorrow. Saving my voice."

[Sighs] Come on, man!

You know choir is my thing.

"Never tell me what I can't do."

[Scoffs] You don't
even care about the solo.

You just want to take it away from me.

You're a bully.

But I can never fight back,
because you're JJ!

Well, congratulations. You win.

Take the solo.

Take the whole stupid
choir, because I quit.

I don't even get a dramatic exit!

[Branches rustle, ornaments clink]

- Why couldn't you just be there?
- [Gasps]

Oh, darling.

[Box thuds]

I'm sorry.

I take full responsibility.

I have no excuse.

What happened?

It was everybody else's fault!

I was trying to replace the presents.

They were in the van when it was taken.

What?

Nobody helped when it was stolen,

nobody helped when I was
trying to replace them,

and nobody helped when I
was looking for the car

on the identical, bloody P3, 4, 5,

and... For some reason... L2.

Why?!

Why didn't you just tell
us about the presents?

'Cause it's miserable!

I don't want you thinking the
world is a miserable place,

especially at Christmas.

Sounds like it kind of is.

Oh.

I know. It's a bit harsh, isn't it?

[Sighs]

It's okay.

Can I help you hang up
the rest of the ornaments?

[Sniffles] They're all in there.

[Voice breaking] Isn't it pretty?

[Piano playing, tap-shoes clicking]

[Applause]

Christmas... What a crock.

Yeah, kids, forget what I said

about goodwill towards my fellow man.

It's rubbish.

There's the DiMeos,
and there's the rest of the world.

Why is that man staring at us?

That's Tad.

He just said our name.

And now the real show begins.

I heard you.

What are you talking about?

Actually, come with me.

You're about to find out.

Attention, everyone.

I have a special announcement.

As many of you have heard,

one of our own families, the DiMeos,

recently had their van stolen,

right from the school parking lot.

In the spirit of the holidays,

we wanted to do a little something

to help them through this tough time.

What?

Tad: So we started up a collection

so you can buy a new van.

[Applause]

Maya: Oh, such beautiful people!

[Applause continues]

Our family is so lucky to be part

of such an incredibly generous community.

Dylan, I was wrong.

People aren't awful.

Well, I mean, not...
not... not all of you.

I mean, I never doubted you.

And now we'd like to
say a few thank you's.

To the Miller family, thank you.

[Applause]

To the Chang family, thank you.

Maya: Thank them, Tad! Thank them all!

We'll stay here all night.

To the Goldstein family, thank you.

Oh, you really are gonna
read them all, aren't you?

[Sighs]

To the Nakamuras, thank you.

"You got a little lump in your throat?"

A bunch of strangers just
did that for your family.

I know it's a tough act to follow,

but I think you can do it.

[Cheers and applause]

And now, everyone
please give a special welcome

to our soloist, JJ DiMeo!

[Cheers and applause]

I know it's about the kid,
but you could widen the spotlight.

It's just silly after a point.

[Microphone stand slides]

["Joy to the World" plays on piano]

[Clears throat]

"Stop. Stop the music.

There's someone else
who deserves this solo.

Ray?"

- [Applause]
- Man: Whoo!

Wait, don't go.

It's better as a duet.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her King ♪

♪ Let ev'ry heart prepare Him room ♪

[Wavering] ♪ And Hea... ♪

♪ Hea-Heav... ♪

[Choir humming]

[Whispering] Dude, what?

You nervous?

Well, just... just
picture everyone naked.

Oh, this about her?

Put her clothes back on!

Sweater!

Sweater!

Oh, man, she looks good in that sweater.

Man: Sing something!

♪ And Heaven, and Heaven ♪

- ♪ And nature sing ♪
- ♪ And... and ♪

♪ ♪

[Ramp whirs]

[Clank]

This van is the coolest thing ever.

Seriously, if a stranger pulled up

and told me to get in it, I would do it.

He wouldn't even have to offer me candy.

Sometimes the best things come

from the worst things to happen to us.

Yes.

Thank you, whoever stole our old van.

♪ ♪

[Rustling]

I know I set the parking brake.

Someone must have
broken in and undone it.

Very sad. At Christmas.

"Do we have to retu..."

We have to return the new van.

Maya: A least we have our gifts now.

Some gifts are so big that
they can't even fit in the van.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

Ms. Bloom: Welcome to dance-team tryouts.

I'll demonstrate, and
you can come up and try.

Okay. Ray, you want
to come up and give it a try?

In the spirit of Christmas,
JJ, why don't you take it?

I've got this.

Come on up.

5, 6, 7, 8, ah!

♪ ♪

Ray: Stick to singing, JJ.

[Both laugh]