Special (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Vagina Momologues - full transcript
[soft music playing]
Hi.
Hi.
I like waking up next to you
every morning.
I'm kind of on the fence about it.
[Karen chuckles]
[gasps] Oh, God, it's 10:30.
Oh, my God.
I didn't think it was physically possible
for me to sleep this late.
- [Karen sighs]
- Surprise, you can do it.
Come back to bed.
No, I... What? I have so much stuff to do.
Not all of us can be retired
and live a life of leisure.
I'll have you know,
I've earned that life of leisure.
Hey, did you know that I was voted
Fireman of the Month...
multiple months?
That is not a thing.
Argh.
Come here.
No, I gotta go. Come on, just get up.
I gotta go to my mom's.
I told Ryan I would come over.
Didn't you just visit him yesterday?
- Have his dad drop by.
- Do you have his number?
'Cause I think I misplaced it
23 years ago.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay, shh.
Come here.
Come here.
- Mm-mm...
- Mm-hmm...
[Karen gasps]
No. Oh, wait.
Wait, what are you doing?
Checking the weather.
What do you think I'm doing.
Don't.
Relax.
I know what I'm doing.
Wait, I have to... Get out of here.
Go, get out!
Mom,
what about this?
God, no.
That's hideous.
Oh, Mom, you can't be so picky.
You need new clothes.
You can't go around looking like this.
- I am fine.
- [Karen gasps]
Ooh.
- What?
- That's pretty.
Oh.
Now, that's darling.
Why don't you try that one on?
- That's a great color for you.
- Thank you.
- I want to see you in it.
- Okay, come watch me.
What do you think?
You look gorgeous.
And so versatile, too.
It goes from day to night.
[woman] And you can dress it up or down.
[Karen] Yeah? I don't know.
Hey, Mom, what do you think?
Oh, it's fine.
Fine?
You said it was darling.
I'm gonna wait outside.
Okay. I don't know.
I just... I guess I'll take it.
It's so weird to be buying
a dress like this.
But this... this man I've been seeing,
he...
[Karen] Not "seeing."
I don't know what you call it these days.
[Karen] We're two adults,
just getting to know each other.
Anyway,
he said I always wear mom jeans.
I was like, "God, no!
These jeans are from Zara!"
Well, he didn't even know what Zara was.
Which is a whole 'nother conversation.
[phone ringing]
Ah.
Hey, Ry!
Mom, can you come over?
It's urgent.
Oh.
[Karen's mother] Hurry up!
I gotta go the bathroom!
Okay.
I'll see you later.
You not coming in?
I got to go. Ryan needs me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's an emergency.
I told you not to let him live on his own.
I...
Look, I'll come back.
Well, don't do it on my account.
[sighs] Fuck.
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
What did you eat?
A salad.
And some fries.
And a cake pop,
which was really unsatisfying.
Ugh.
I tried plunging it earlier, but it...
it wasn't budging.
[Karen grunts]
Okay, all right.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing?
Mom, what are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
No, Mom, seriously. Do not do that. Stop.
- Stop, Mom, seriously...
- Okay, Ryan, go to your room.
It's fixed.
Mom, I'm sorry.
I could've tried plunging it again.
Well, you know, I thought about
having you do it on your own,
and then I thought you wouldn't be able
to put the gloves on yourself,
and then if you just did it
with your hands,
you would get all dirty
and you might not wash them thoroughly,
and then you would be touching your face,
and, you know, picking your skin,
and, anyway, you might get sick,
and you live alone, so...
It's fine.
Besides, you'll be scooping my poop
when I'm 80.
Mom, I can't even deal with my own shit.
Oh, God, let's not talk about this.
Oh, my God.
I think you have something in your hair.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, Ryan!
Oh, God!
[tap running]
[Ryan] Mom.
- Oh.
- [Ryan] That dress.
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's great.
You hate it.
Is it too short?
No, it's just...
I've never seen you in a dress before.
It's different.
[phone chimes]
[notification sound]
Oh, is that the boy
from your housewarming party?
No. And I regret even
telling you about him.
Well, come on.
Look, you haven't told me about
any boy you liked forever
and it's huge.
Mom, seriously, stop.
There's, like, nothing to say.
Oh, my God.
There's a movie playing with that actress,
Ser-shay Ryan.
Saoirse Ronan.
- Right, that's what I said.
- No, it wasn't.
Anyway, do you want to go tonight?
Oh, I can't.
I already made plans with Kim.
Okay, don't you see enough of Kim at work?
Are you kidding?
You can never have enough Kim.
[sighs] I just want to spend some time
with you alone.
We're alone now.
Without me coming to your rescue.
For sure. We will.
I love the shit out of you, Mumsy!
- Don't...
- Get it?
Too soon?
[piano music playing]
[door opens and closes]
[Karen] Mom? I'm back.
Hi.
Mom.
I got you these groceries.
Some of the little ice cream sandwiches
that you like.
[music stops]
Mom?
[water running]
Hey.
Mom?
Hey.
Oh...
Hey...
What happened?
Did you cut yourself?
Oh, it's nothing.
Oh, Mom!
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
I don't know.
You are so good at this.
Huh.
Remember when you wanted to be a doctor?
Well, I'm a nurse.
Which is not a doctor.
What can I say? Plans change.
Where did you get that dress?
With you, today.
Oh, honey, you should take it back
right away.
Somebody of your age should not
be showing that much skin.
[scoffs]
Thank you.
Well, I'm just giving you my opinion.
Well, you can stop now.
Thanks.
I'm hungry.
Okay. Come on, get up.
I'm gonna make you some dinner.
Get up.
No. I want to eat in here on my tray.
Suit yourself.
Oh! Law & Order.
- Stay and watch one with me.
- Ugh.
We never get quality time together.
Sometimes I feel like
you just treat me like
one of your patients.
[sighs]
All right. I'm going to get up
and make you some supper.
Can I have an ice cream sandwich, too?
Yeah. Vanilla or chocolate?
Chocolate.
[Karen's mother] Oh, Karen.
[Karen's mother] I changed my mind.
[scoffs]
[sniffles]
[knocking on door]
Hey.
Let's go out tonight.
Really?
You think I'm pretty enough
to take outside?
I do.
- [both chuckle]
- I want to go to a movie with...
oh, with that Irish actress
with the weird name. Cersei...
Saoirse.
Cer... Ryan.
And I want to go for fancy drinks
with silly ingredients,
like cardamom and green tea extract.
And then I want to go for nachos.
I love nachos.
Fuck, I love nachos, too.
Let's do this.
Pick me up in 30 minutes.
All right.
Ah, wait.
Don't change that dress, though.
Because you look amazing.
I want you to kiss me.
["Fever, Fever" playing]
Hi.
Hi.
I like waking up next to you
every morning.
I'm kind of on the fence about it.
[Karen chuckles]
[gasps] Oh, God, it's 10:30.
Oh, my God.
I didn't think it was physically possible
for me to sleep this late.
- [Karen sighs]
- Surprise, you can do it.
Come back to bed.
No, I... What? I have so much stuff to do.
Not all of us can be retired
and live a life of leisure.
I'll have you know,
I've earned that life of leisure.
Hey, did you know that I was voted
Fireman of the Month...
multiple months?
That is not a thing.
Argh.
Come here.
No, I gotta go. Come on, just get up.
I gotta go to my mom's.
I told Ryan I would come over.
Didn't you just visit him yesterday?
- Have his dad drop by.
- Do you have his number?
'Cause I think I misplaced it
23 years ago.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay, shh.
Come here.
Come here.
- Mm-mm...
- Mm-hmm...
[Karen gasps]
No. Oh, wait.
Wait, what are you doing?
Checking the weather.
What do you think I'm doing.
Don't.
Relax.
I know what I'm doing.
Wait, I have to... Get out of here.
Go, get out!
Mom,
what about this?
God, no.
That's hideous.
Oh, Mom, you can't be so picky.
You need new clothes.
You can't go around looking like this.
- I am fine.
- [Karen gasps]
Ooh.
- What?
- That's pretty.
Oh.
Now, that's darling.
Why don't you try that one on?
- That's a great color for you.
- Thank you.
- I want to see you in it.
- Okay, come watch me.
What do you think?
You look gorgeous.
And so versatile, too.
It goes from day to night.
[woman] And you can dress it up or down.
[Karen] Yeah? I don't know.
Hey, Mom, what do you think?
Oh, it's fine.
Fine?
You said it was darling.
I'm gonna wait outside.
Okay. I don't know.
I just... I guess I'll take it.
It's so weird to be buying
a dress like this.
But this... this man I've been seeing,
he...
[Karen] Not "seeing."
I don't know what you call it these days.
[Karen] We're two adults,
just getting to know each other.
Anyway,
he said I always wear mom jeans.
I was like, "God, no!
These jeans are from Zara!"
Well, he didn't even know what Zara was.
Which is a whole 'nother conversation.
[phone ringing]
Ah.
Hey, Ry!
Mom, can you come over?
It's urgent.
Oh.
[Karen's mother] Hurry up!
I gotta go the bathroom!
Okay.
I'll see you later.
You not coming in?
I got to go. Ryan needs me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's an emergency.
I told you not to let him live on his own.
I...
Look, I'll come back.
Well, don't do it on my account.
[sighs] Fuck.
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
What did you eat?
A salad.
And some fries.
And a cake pop,
which was really unsatisfying.
Ugh.
I tried plunging it earlier, but it...
it wasn't budging.
[Karen grunts]
Okay, all right.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing?
Mom, what are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
No, Mom, seriously. Do not do that. Stop.
- Stop, Mom, seriously...
- Okay, Ryan, go to your room.
It's fixed.
Mom, I'm sorry.
I could've tried plunging it again.
Well, you know, I thought about
having you do it on your own,
and then I thought you wouldn't be able
to put the gloves on yourself,
and then if you just did it
with your hands,
you would get all dirty
and you might not wash them thoroughly,
and then you would be touching your face,
and, you know, picking your skin,
and, anyway, you might get sick,
and you live alone, so...
It's fine.
Besides, you'll be scooping my poop
when I'm 80.
Mom, I can't even deal with my own shit.
Oh, God, let's not talk about this.
Oh, my God.
I think you have something in your hair.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, Ryan!
Oh, God!
[tap running]
[Ryan] Mom.
- Oh.
- [Ryan] That dress.
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's great.
You hate it.
Is it too short?
No, it's just...
I've never seen you in a dress before.
It's different.
[phone chimes]
[notification sound]
Oh, is that the boy
from your housewarming party?
No. And I regret even
telling you about him.
Well, come on.
Look, you haven't told me about
any boy you liked forever
and it's huge.
Mom, seriously, stop.
There's, like, nothing to say.
Oh, my God.
There's a movie playing with that actress,
Ser-shay Ryan.
Saoirse Ronan.
- Right, that's what I said.
- No, it wasn't.
Anyway, do you want to go tonight?
Oh, I can't.
I already made plans with Kim.
Okay, don't you see enough of Kim at work?
Are you kidding?
You can never have enough Kim.
[sighs] I just want to spend some time
with you alone.
We're alone now.
Without me coming to your rescue.
For sure. We will.
I love the shit out of you, Mumsy!
- Don't...
- Get it?
Too soon?
[piano music playing]
[door opens and closes]
[Karen] Mom? I'm back.
Hi.
Mom.
I got you these groceries.
Some of the little ice cream sandwiches
that you like.
[music stops]
Mom?
[water running]
Hey.
Mom?
Hey.
Oh...
Hey...
What happened?
Did you cut yourself?
Oh, it's nothing.
Oh, Mom!
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
I don't know.
You are so good at this.
Huh.
Remember when you wanted to be a doctor?
Well, I'm a nurse.
Which is not a doctor.
What can I say? Plans change.
Where did you get that dress?
With you, today.
Oh, honey, you should take it back
right away.
Somebody of your age should not
be showing that much skin.
[scoffs]
Thank you.
Well, I'm just giving you my opinion.
Well, you can stop now.
Thanks.
I'm hungry.
Okay. Come on, get up.
I'm gonna make you some dinner.
Get up.
No. I want to eat in here on my tray.
Suit yourself.
Oh! Law & Order.
- Stay and watch one with me.
- Ugh.
We never get quality time together.
Sometimes I feel like
you just treat me like
one of your patients.
[sighs]
All right. I'm going to get up
and make you some supper.
Can I have an ice cream sandwich, too?
Yeah. Vanilla or chocolate?
Chocolate.
[Karen's mother] Oh, Karen.
[Karen's mother] I changed my mind.
[scoffs]
[sniffles]
[knocking on door]
Hey.
Let's go out tonight.
Really?
You think I'm pretty enough
to take outside?
I do.
- [both chuckle]
- I want to go to a movie with...
oh, with that Irish actress
with the weird name. Cersei...
Saoirse.
Cer... Ryan.
And I want to go for fancy drinks
with silly ingredients,
like cardamom and green tea extract.
And then I want to go for nachos.
I love nachos.
Fuck, I love nachos, too.
Let's do this.
Pick me up in 30 minutes.
All right.
Ah, wait.
Don't change that dress, though.
Because you look amazing.
I want you to kiss me.
["Fever, Fever" playing]