Spaced (1999–2001): Season 2, Episode 5 - Gone - full transcript

Sophie calls off a date with Tim at the last minute, citing that she has to work late. Having experienced the same thing with his last girlfriend who left him for her boss and his best friend, Tim begins to freak out. Daisy convinces Tim to go out on the town with her that night, leaving Brain and Mike to keep an eye on Colin, which they fail at. Tim and Daisy have an exciting night of drinking, escaping from angry college boys looking to get some weed, an irritating conversation with Tim's arch-nemesis, Duane Benzie, and losing their car/house keys.

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)

(Tyres screech)

- (Groans) What?
- You know what.

I do not know what.

Take a wild guess.

Um... It...

Is it because I sang the music
from the Kia-0ra advert?

I remember that.
♪ It's too orangey for crows ♪

You think this is funny?


I guarantee in about three minutes
you will definitely not be laughing.

Look, boys, if you think
I am gonna stand by

and let you beat up my friend,
you've got another thing coming.

0h, we're gonna beat you up, too.


What do you think we should do?

Let 'em have it.

Vegetables, a lot of people
are scared of them.

Take potato,
a lot of people would peel it,

a lot of people would cube it.

I don't like to, I just like to
put it down, bang, two halves.

In the pan, potato stew,
it's a bit simple,

it's a bit sexy.

- Mike, how sexy am I?
- 0oh, very.

- In a salad...
- Daisy. a sausage sandwich,

- with a cup of tea...
- Daisy.

How sexy am I?

Very. You look good.

Really. Good. You look nice.

You don't want to look
like you've made

too much of an effort,
you know what I mean?

I'll change my shirt.

This, my friend, is gonna
be one of the all-time great

- chicken stew, d'you know why?
- No.

Because of this.

(Italian accent) 0regano.

Or oregano to you.

'I got it from
a wise old herb merchant

'on one of my many travels.'

(Bell on door rings)

This is the good shit.

Woo, mama!


- Hello.
- Hi, is that Daisy?

- Yeah.
- 'Hi, it's Sophie.'

- 0h, hi.
- Nice to speak to you finally,

- Tim's told me all about you.
- Has he? What did he say?

0h, you know, the usual.

What sort of thing?
You know, specifically?

Well... that... you're friends,

you share a flat,

and your name's Daisy.

0h, right.

Is Tim there?

0h, yes. Yes. He's just
getting his clothes on.

- It's Sophie.
- 0h, cheers.

(Squeaks) Hello.

- Hey, how are you?
- 'Good.'

Good. Had a nice time last night.

'Me, too. What are you up to? '

You know,
just making myself beautiful.

- (Tim giggles)
- Listen,

I can't come out tonight.

- Damien's got me working late.
- Really?

There's been a misprint on the
cover of one of the new issues.

- 'Which one? '
- Total Cult.

- Well, 0K. Fine, fine.
- 'We can do it another night.'

We can do it next week.

How do you mean, do it?

You'll find out next week.


Bye, Bisley.


I can't believe she's
sleeping with her boss!

- You what?
- This is how it starts.

It's excuses!
0h, I've got to work late.

A presentation, I've got to speak
to the New York office,

they're five hours behind.

I can't come round because
I've had ever such a long day.

It's me and Sarah.
It's Milly and Egg.

It's textbook. 0w.

What'd you do that for?

Well, you said to me that every time
you suffered emotional paranoia

as a result of your break-up
with Sarah,

I was to slap you round the face.

Yes, I did say that. Thank you.


(Game beeping)

We could go out.

What, you and me?


What about your stew?

It's finished.
I've just got to let it simmer.

I don't know, Daisy.

Come on, it'd be fun.

What else are you gonna do?

0K, then.



- Who is it?
- Brian.

Do you wanna come in?

Thought you were going out.

(Tutting) Twist's in a mood.

0oh, what a surprise.
An unreliable girlfriend.

- What's the matter with her?
- I don't know.

- She didn't really specify.
- That's right. You've got to guess.

Must be strange being a woman.

- All that power.
- You what?

They are the true creators,

because all men do is destroy things.


They are the true children of nature.
Gaia's foot soldiers.

- They look like us.
- Speak for yourself.

Two arms, two legs.

Two faces.

There's so much more
to it than that.

If a group of women
spend enough time together,

their menstrual cycles synchronise.

- Men have got that, too.
- Mike.

No, no. Men have got
an unspoken telepathy.

A biological connection
between male psyches.

Whether they know each other
or not, put a group together,

- always the same.
- What d'you mean?

Shall we show him?

Mike, I really am not...

- 0ooooh.
- 0h, shit.

(Simulating gunfire)

- Boom.
- Phuuuuuu.



- Bang.
- Prrrrrrrrrrrr.



Phat phat.


- Brrrrrrrrr.
- Brrrrrrrrrr.




- You ready?
- Yeah.

- Manoeuvres tonight?
- Reconnaissance.

- Tanks?
- Tim, I've learnt me lesson.

- 0h, yeah?
- I'm not gonna steal another tank.

- Right.
- What time are you going?

2100 hours.

- That's 9 o'clock.
- Right.

Would you mind taking Colin
for a walk about eight?


- 2000 hours.
- 0h, yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(Laughter on TV)

That's never happened to me before.

- Minicab?
- No, thanks.

Look after my stuff. You're less
likely to get searched than I am.

- Why?
- You look like a teacher.

- That's enough of that.
- Sorry, miss.

- What's the plan?
- Right.

'We get the Tube into Soho

'and go for drinks
in a fashionable gay bar,

'before catching a play
by a hip playwright,

'preferably with a swearword
in the title.

'Then we go to a swinging coffee
house and discuss the play

'before retiring to a jazz bar
to listen to xylophone music

'and talk about life until it's
time to catch the last Tube.'

- What d'you think?
- I'm gonna go home.

What do you wanna do?

Right, we get
the Tube into Camden and head

for the nearest
bog-standard indie bar.

'We smoke a fatty boom-batty
on the way

'so we're munted when
we order our first drink.

'We stay a few hours,
where, if all goes to plan,

'we'll end up laughing
like a couple of twats.

'We relocate to a high-street pub

'with an eclectic jukebox
and keep drinking until we

'A: Fall over, B: Puke
or C: Fall over and puke.'

I like my idea better.

- You would.
- It's more interesting.

- Toss a coin?
- 0K.

Two pints of cider.

- And crisps.
- Crisps as well.

- Two packets.
- Two packets.

- And nuts.
- Nuts.

- Honey roast.
- I'm ordering the drinks.

I can't remember what I was
gonna say. Fuck it.

- Two tequila slammers, please.
- Yes!

It's ups and downs.

Like when you're travelling.

More than normal.
Not more ups and downs.

- Do you know what I mean?
- No.

What did you wanna be
when you were a kid?

- Monkey.
- A Monkee.

No, Monkey.

- Monkey.
- Yeah, Monkey.


It was great.

- What did you wanna be?
- Elvis.

That's stupid, he's a bloke.

♪ I don't wanna be a tiger

♪ Cos tigers play too rough ♪

Go on.


There's a good little fellow.

Right, off to enjoy
a night of running round

in the dark with a gun.

You've got to stay and be good
for Uncle Michael.

Settle down, relax and get comfy
because you, my friend...

are going nowhere.

0h, bollocks.

Colin! Colin.

Colin! Colin!

Colin. Colin!



I'm glad we decided
to stay in, Twist.

It's so nice here.

Just you and me together.

- (Door opens)
- Been naughty.

- Naughty?
- I've lost Colin.

- How?
- He ran off.

- 0h.
- Brian, we've got to find him.

- Probably come back.
- What if he doesn't?

I've learnt one thing
from the military,

- never leave a man behind.
- He's a dog.

- 0r a dog.
- 0K.

Bye, Twist.

- Sophie seems very nice.
- Yeah, she's cool.

Cool, yeah.

She's quite quiet.

You're joking.
She talks more than you do.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And she's very funny as well.
She really makes me laugh.

0h well, I'm glad for you.
Really glad. Glad.

- What about you?
- Glad.

You got someone special?

No, I think I put men off.

- No.
- No, I do. Trust me.

Hey, come on. Pull my finger!

(Squeaky fart)

Look, you're a beautiful,
talented woman.

I'm gonna go to the toilet.
I bet when I come back

some bloke'll be chatting you up.




You having a good night?


Are you having a good night?

Yeah. You?

0h, yes.

Listen, you don't know
where I could get me hands

- on some puff?
- Er, not at the moment.

- Have you got any?
- A couple of spliffs' worth.

Can I buy it off you?

No, no. It's for me and my dog.

(Chuckles) D'you remember
the Kia-0ra advert with...

♪ It's too orangey for crows ♪

- Brilliant.
- What are you talking about?

You remember that.


(Toilet flushes)


(Husky voice) Hi, Dom.
This is Duane Benzie.

(Echo) 'This is Duane Benzie.'

Tim, hi. I didn't expect
to see you here.

You stole my girlfriend.

(Maniacal laughter)

- 0h, Tim. This is...
- Duane.

Tim, hi.

This isn't the kind of place
I'd expect to find you.

Funny. It's exactly the sort of
place I'd expect to see you.

What's that supposed to mean?

- You work it out.
- All right, then.

You're Duane. The Duane Duane.

Duane Benzie.

The Duane Benzie that...

Stole my girlfriend.

Well, that depends on
which way you look at it.

I think Tim looks at it that way.

Yes, I do.

So, Tim. How have you been?
Haven't seen you since...

Yeah, well. No hard feelings, eh?

You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.

Like I said, no hard feelings.

You're lucky I didn't sue.

- Why didn't you?
- I'm not a monster, Tim.

Besides, I know you don't have
much in the way of assets.

I... heard you got back
together with Sarah.

She came to her senses.

She not out tonight?

- No, she's...
- Working late?

- A presentation.
- (Huskily) Putting in overtime?

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You work it out.


Daisy, we're leaving.

Well, nice to meet you, Daisy.

Yeah, yeah. Pull my finger.

- (Squeaky fart)
- Daisy.

At last I will emerge as the victor.

At last I will have revenge.

- Minicab?
- No thanks.

I'm glad we got out
of there when we did.

That could have got
a little bit nasty.

How about that spliff?

I told you, we're not selling.

- We're not buying.
- You what?

Blondie's got something for me,

- ain't you?
- No.

(Squeaks) Yes.
Daisy, give 'em the stuff.

- They're only about 12.
- Look at them.

(Cracks neck)


Woo, mama!

Just what
I've been looking for.

- I cannot believe this.
- Tim.

- I got mugged by the Red Hand Gang.
- Come on.

And my girlfriend's
sleeping with her boss.

She's not sleeping with her boss.
Besides, what if she is?

Sometimes it pays to be single.
Look at Marsha.

- You know what she told me?
- What?

I was gonna be
an 0lympic athlete, you know.

What's that got
to do with anything?

I'll tell you.

I was a sprinter. A fast one.

Why d'you think
I've got such ace pins?

They're me souvenirs.

Fork-lightning Klein, they called me.

I was all set for stardom.

Sailed through the districts in '67.

Walked the nationals,

all set to wow the 0lympic Selection
Committee when suddenly, bang.

- You got shot?
- Might as well have done.

I was coming back
from training one night,

when suddenly this Mini Cooper
comes out of nowhere

and knocks me off my bike.

Next thing I know,
I'm sprawled on the pavement

with this pillock in tight
trousers standing over me

saying, "0h, sorry love, didn't
see you, I was going too fast.

"I was drunk."

He gives me his bottle
of Jack Daniel's.

"I don't drink," I said.

"0h, go on, love,
it'll help with the pain."

He was not wrong.

My God.

Fractured me tibia,
fell behind on me training,

eventually lost interest.

What happened to the pillock?

I married him in '69.

I often wonder
what would have happened

if I hadn't been knocked off my bike.

Where would I be now?

(Well-spoken) 'Thanks, Des.

'Coming up, the latest from
the Five Nations at Twickenham

'and a report
from the Davis Cup. Tim.'

Thanks. I'm being stupid, I know.

I'm paranoid. I've been hurt.

I keep thinking about
what happened with Sarah.

That is in the history.

Yeah? That's past.
Stop thinking about Sarah.

Well, I don't.
I don't think about her, really.

I don't miss her. I don't think
what it would have been like

to get married, move into
a nice house in Highgate,

have a couple of kids
and a surround-sound TV.

I don't think about that.
And a studio.

- Thanks.
- You're a winner.

Sod the grass.
You've got good friends.

You've got a good job
and you've got a foxy lady.

I'm the luckiest man in town.

Have a nice night, Tim.

Get on that.

This isn't grass.

- What?
- It's oregano.

How can you tell?

I'm a catering student.

Get the car.

Can you make your way out now,

We should do this more often.

We could have a blowout
for your birthday.

That'd be cool. Hey, here's a plan.

We go home, we watch some telly
and we eat some stew.

Now that's a plan I like.

- Have you got your keys?
- No.

Shit, I've left mine
in the other pub.

It'll be closing in five minutes.

(Tyres screech)

(Groans) What?

You know what.

He who laughs last, laughs longest.


(Tyres screech)

What do you think we should do?

Let 'em have it.

(All) 0oooh!

(Simulating gunfire)

(Machine gun fire)

(♪ Samuel Barber:
"Adagio for Strings")

(As in slow motion) Noooooo...

Tim, let's go!

- Minicab?
- Yes, please.

Step on it!

Come on!

(Engines revving)



You bloody idiot.

Have you any idea
how much this car cost?

Why don't you piss off back
to Romford where you belong?

You little prick.

Eh? Eh?

Clever boys.

(Duane screaming)

(Duane) I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

(Daisy) Thanks, bye.

I can't believe
you said "step on it".

- Why?
- I wanted to say it.

(Holds down buzzer)

(Releases buzzer)

(Buzzes again)

D'you think we'll have to
wait here all night?


I'm cold.

Do you know what
I was saying earlier on?

About what?

About being single and that.

I think the thing is just
not to go looking for it, you know?

I think things happen
when you least expect 'em to.




- Isn't that your dog?
- Aren't those your keys?


I must have had 'em all along.

Come on.

Have you two been taking Colin
out for a midnight stroll?

(Both) Yes.

- Didn't you do reconnaissance?
- Um, sort of.

Come on, you're
just in time for stew.

Come on, chop chop.

That was a great stew, Daisy.

Think I'll make another one.

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)