Spaced (1999–2001): Season 2, Episode 4 - Help - full transcript

Damian Knox, the President of Darkstar Comics, is searching for a new idea, and asks for Tim's portfolio. Anxiously, Tim organizes his portfolio, being careful to remove anything that might prevent him from getting the job. Such as a demeaning drawing he drew of Knox after their last encounter, when Knox laughed Tim out of his office. After Tyres stops by to pick up the package to be delivered, Tim notices that the demeaning drawing of Knox is not where he left it. Trying to help Tim out, Daisy slipped it back into the portfolio, thinking Tim forgot to include it. It turns into a race against time to get to the portfolio before Knox looks at it. Meanwhile, Marsha asks Daisy to go jogging and Daisy's competitive spirit gets the best of her.

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)

(Man) Sophie, could you
come in here, please?

Yes, Damien?

(Scottish accent) I've been thinking.

We've become rather staid recently.

We haven't really produced

any truly interesting titles
for some time.

We need some new... blood.

(Computer gunfire)

Did you have anyone in mind?

I was rather hoping you might.

How about Peter Gibbons?

I don't think so.

Jason Murray?

Too... arty.

- Tim Bisley.
- Bisley?

Why do I know that name?

(Sophie) 'He came in last year.

'You laughed him out of the office.

'He had blond hair.

'Small ears.'

Yes, Bisley. That's right.

I remember his work now.

All muscles and guns. Most amusing.

Give him a ring, will you Sophie?

- Get me his portfolio.
- 0K.

I think it's time we gave
young Mr Bisley another shot.




♪ 0h, baby

♪ 0h, baby

♪ 0h, baby ♪


You idiot.

- Morning. Coffee and Kilroy?
- No thanks.

- Tea and Tricia?
- No!

Why are you scrimmaging around?

- Sophie from Darkstar called.
- Sophie.

Damien Knox wants to see
my portfolio.


No, Damien Knox.
The head of Darkstar Comix.

He wants to see my portfolio.
I am a little nervous.

God, wow. He wants
to see your portfolio?

God, what a break.
That's brilliant.

- Is it, Daisy?
- Yeah.

God, well done.

That's excellent. Really good.
Well done, you.

Well done.

(Banging above)

- What's that?
- I don't know.

It's upstairs. Maybe it's Marsha.

- Maybe it's Mike.
- Maybe it's Mike AND Marsha.

Ready to go again, soldier?

Cock-locked and ready to rock.

Got anything planned?

I have got a bit of a project.

I'm gonna be
as inactive as I can

in order to get into the psyche
of someone unemployed,

vocationally and cerebrally,

to see if enforced passivity
exacerbates itself.

Does inactivity breed laziness?

- You writing an article on it?
- No. I can't be bothered.

I'm not really a praying man and
I never really ask you for much,

so if you could see your
way clear to helping me today,

I would be really grateful.

Thank you very much. Amen.

(Banging upstairs)

"I'm a massive wanker."


It's all right.
It's my messenger.

- That's weird.
- What?

- There's nobody there.
- 0i oi!

You lucky people.

(Both) 0h, hi, Tyres.

I understand you two "friends"
wanted to talk to me.

I was wondering if you could run
my portfolio over to Darkstar.

I see. You don't
call me for weeks

and all of a sudden
you want a favour.

That's nice. The last time
I seen you, you said

you wished I was your da

and hugged me
for the entire length

of Josh Wink's Higher State
of Consciousness.

And now you want me to ferry
round your "art"?

- Yes, please.
- 0K.

By the way, you owe me 20 quid.

0h, right. Yeah.

How are you,
my pocket Shakespeare?

Come up with any exciting
literary characters?

Yes, actually.

Dizzy Steinway.

I like it.

What is she, some sort of
crime-busting jazz singer?

No. It's the name
I'm using to sign on.

You want to get off your arse

and get a job, Dizzy,
or whatever your name isn't.

- Nice hair, by the way.
- There you go, mate.

- Cheers.
- My livelihood is in here.

- Guard it with your life.
- As ever. You out this weekend?

I'm a bit strapped for cash actually.
Lend me 20 quid?

- Yeah, sure.
- Great.

What's that noise?


- (Both) We don't know.
- I like it.

(♪ Dance music)

(Phone rings in time)

You better get off.
That's got to be there by 11.

Right, sir. I've got a good
feeling about this parcel.

Hopefully things
might start going my way.

You know what it's like.
Door, please, Timmy.


(Tyres singing)

That was close.
He nearly went disco.

(Banging continues)

What is that noise?

I don't know. I'm gonna find out.

- Can you tell Mike I need him?
- What for?

No reason, I just... need him.

(Woman on TV) 'Can you feel it
in your butt? That's good.'

(Daisy) Marsha?

Come in, kitten. It's open.

'... two, turn, one... '

- Morning, Daisy.
- Hi, Mike.

- Nice outfit.
- Thanks.

- Tim wants you.
- Wants me or needs me?

Needs you.

Right. Ladies.

So what you up to, Marsha?

It's Cher's new fitness video.
Thong for Europe.

Mike reckons I got
between 15 and 20 years

to find hubby number three
and I want to look my best.

Why don't you come
for a jog with me?

0h, no. No.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Get off your ass.
Get the adrenaline pumpin'.

No, I shouldn't do sport
of any kind.

I'm actually allergic to endorphins.
I get very competitive.

Anyway, who wants
to look like these people?

Go to the gym all day, go to
some premiere in a low-cut dress

to get on the cover
of some magazine.

What kind of a life is that?

I'm happy right where I am.

- Where is it?
- Where's what?

There was a picture
of a man with a white eye

saying "I am a massive wanker."

And if you put it
in my portfolio I cannot begin

to describe the damage
you may have done.

Well, I...

We want this to be easy.
You're amongst friends.

- I just...
- What?

- What you done with it?
- Did you put it in my portfolio?

I put it in A portfolio.


I put it in your portfolio.


Did she say what I think?

- She put it in my portfolio.
- What?!

I thought you'd forgotten it.
I was trying to help.

That was a picture of a man
who is about to decide

whether I work for Darkstar Comix.

You see why I left it out?

Yes! Yes, yes. And I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.

Don't! If you're going to help,
get off your ass and help yourself.

Why is everyone
talking about my ass?

Mike. We've got
to try and stop Tyres.

Don't worry, Daisy.

Tim's just really angry at you

because you've jeopardised
his future, 0K?

I was just trying to help.

(Door closes)


Ow, ow, ow.

- All right, Kitten?
- Yes!

Sure you don't want
to come for a jog?

- Yes.
- You got work to do?

(Sighs) No.

What you gonna do, then?

Sit around the house waiting
for Tim to come home?

I'll get my plimsolls.

Is Brian there?

Why are you dressed like that?

Thought you might like
to come for a run.

Might ease your frustration.

What frustration?

(Twist) Why? I like going out!
(Brian) I want to stay in.

(Twist) And have sex?
That's all you ever want.

I'm not here for one thing.
I want you to see me as a whole.

- I do.
- Whole with a "w".

(Brian moans)

Just thought you might like a jog.

No, can't. Mum's coming,
we're going out for lunch.

Is that why you're
dressed like that?

She thinks I'm a lawyer.

Bloody 'ell.

I thought I knew
all your little secrets.

No wonder you're so tense.

Come on! (Honks horn)

Come on!

What is the hold-up?

There's been an accident.

Somebody got hurt.

- Who?
- A lady.

- How d'you know?
- Because we hit her.

- Did we?
- Yeah. That's her there.

- Ah!
- What the hell are you doing?

It's broad daylight!

You have no consideration
for cyclists.


What the hell are you doing?
It's broad daylight.

You have no consideration
for cyclists.

All right.
What's your problem?

(Tyres screech)


- You all right?
- Yeah.

- Think you can go on? Come on.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.


That's not gonna happen

cos he's a small fish
in a big pond

and I'm a big... shark!

Yes, yes. OK. Bye.

Hi, Mum.

- Hello, love.
- Shall we go?

Aren't we going in?

No, I've got the builders in.
They're making a wall.

I know a good place to eat.

This is all right.

- What did I tell you?
- It's quite fun.

(Listening to dance music)

Shit, there he is.



What about you?

- Don't deliver that parcel.
- Why?

There's something
I don't want them to see.


No. Where's my portfolio?

I delivered that half an hour ago.


Did you get it?

- Nice outfit.
- Thanks.

Tim Bisley's portfolio
has arrived.


Actually, I'll look
at it after lunch.

(Tim) Couldn't we go get it?

Not even I can get
to the upper reaches.

Parcels are left at reception
and collected by personnel.

- (Both) Damn.
- They must let some people up.

- Not without an appointment.
- Shit.

How am I gonna get my
picture back? Mike, any ideas?


Yeah, but we'll need
another walkie-talkie.

- (Beeping)
- 0r two.

Can I have a large half-caff
frappuccino, please?

With whipped cream
and marshmallow dunkers... Mum?

Yes. I'll have one of those, too.

When in Rome.

- So how is everything?
- Good.

- How's Twist?
- Good. 0ut of town.

Can't wait to meet her.

Very busy.

Well, fashion is big business
these days, Brian.

You know that.


0h, are they friends of yours?

Never seen them before.

- Brian, what is it?
- Sorry?

- What is it?
- It's me again.

- I can see that.
- Third time today.

Have you got something to deliver?

I was thinking, I'm getting a bit

long in the tooth
with this cycling lark.

The old pins ain't
what they used to be.

What's your point?

I was wondering what it's like
to be a security guard.

I really look up to people like you.

Do you?

Yeah. How'd I get to be like you?

Well, tell you what,
give us your name and address,

and I'll send you
all you need to apply.

- Would you?
- Sure. Why not?

Brilliant. All right.
My name's Henry Krinkle.


154, Hopper Avenue.

- Hopper?
- Yeah, Hopper.

(Groans) Ow. Ow.

Colin! Stop her.


Who does he think he is?
Bob bloody Kane?

Tell him I'd make more money
pimping his grandmother.

How's Dad?

0h, you know him. Frustrated as ever.
He's taken up art classes.

- What?
- Yes.

I think he'd always fancied
himself as an artist.

He keeps it to himself.

We always hoped you might
go in for that sort of thing.

You were so good at it at school.

It might have given you something
to talk about with your father.

- Mum.
- What, love?

Something I should tell you.

What is it?

This is it. Fourth floor.

- You ready?
- I was born ready.

- But are you ready now?
- Yeah.

We've only got to get the
picture back and not get caught.

How hard can that be?

Tell Stan I'll speak to him later.

After I've put Bisley
out of his misery.

There it is.

- Shit.
- Is it locked?

No, I was joking.


- What are we gonna do?
- Er... there.

- What?
- Ventilation shaft.

Simple and classic.



- I can't believe this.
- I'm sorry.

- Why?
- I thought you'd be disappointed.

That's so silly.
We don't mind what you do,

so long as you're not gay.

I bet you made up Twist, as well.

I should've known.
What sort of a name is Twist?

- No, she's real.
- Well, that's something.

- So, you're an artist.
- Yep.

What sort of thing do you do?

Um, anger.








Do you go clubbing much?

No, do a lot of night work.

I love night work.
I'm usually up all hours.

- Speeding through the night?
- Something like that.

0K, stay out of sight.

If anybody comes,
warn me on the walkie.

- Roger.
- Let's go.


- How's your knee?
- I'll live.

My teeth hurt.

I wish I hadn't started this now.

I'm sorry, Marsha,
but I did warn you.


It was the same with netball.

At school.

(♪ Grange Hill music)

'I remember playing a friendly
in the upper sixth.

'I played goal attack.

'And I had a wee rivalry with
the goalie on the other team.

'She was called Nina.

'I remember the goal shooter
took a shot

'and it was obvious
Nina was gonna save.

'So I did what I had to do.

'I saved the game.

'But I lost a lot of friends.'

I just shouldn't exercise.

It's not just bad for me,
it's bad for everybody.

I don't know.
I'm really feeling the benefit now.


Come on, let's fuck off home.

Hmm. I wonder if Tim's back.

What's Colin looking at?


Where's he off to?

0h, my God!

So, when did you decide
to become an artist?

I think it was,
you know, when the dog died.

0h, you never did get over that.

(Daisy) Colin!




Not again.

(Daisy) Colin!

(Engine racing)



What the hell do you think
you're doing?

0oh, um. Well.

- I... was just...
- Looking for this?

Yes. Yeah, um...

I had to get it back, you see.

I mean if Mr Knox saw it, then...

It wouldn't really
do you any favours?

No, no, no.

No, um.

How are you, Sophie?

Fine, thanks.

Good, good.

I forgot you worked here.


(Mike) 'Tim, that girl you fancy's
coming into the office.'

Thanks, Mike.

How's Damien?

I'm sorry. You just
ran out in front of me.

I know you.
You're a massive wanker.

I said I was sorry.

I've had enough of keeping fit.
It's too bloody dangerous.

If people throw themselves
in front of cars, what do you expect?

She could sue you.

For what?

Dangerous driving.

Bloody hell, you're not a lawyer?

No, he's an artist.

- Here's your picture.
- Thanks.

I think I'll keep this one.

Yeah, fine.

It was nice to see you again, Tim.

You're nice, too.
It was nice to see you, too.

- Tim.
- Yes.

- What are you doing on Friday?
- What?

Would you like to go out for a drink
with me on Friday?


Great. I'll give you a ring.


- See you Friday.
- See you Friday.

You get it?

That's not all I got.

Leave the coffee!

No, never been to Ibiza.

You should go, mate.

Went to Gran Canaria.
I got some pictures, actually.

- What the...
- The cat is out of the bag.

the cat is out of the bag.'

(Both) Shit.

He's taking the stairs,
get the lift.

'He's taking the stairs,
get the lift! '

(Both) Shit.


(Squeaks) Hi.

Well now. You're keen, aren't you?

Haven't had a chance to look
over your stuff yet.

- 0h, that's all right.
- (Thumping)

- Everything all right, Willis?
- Sorry, sir.

Thought I saw unauthorised
personnel on the monitor.

I haven't seen anybody.

I'll get back to me desk, then.

- Hello, Mike.
- Hello.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm with Tim.

Right. You coming to TA Saturday?

0h, yes. Stealth and tactics
weekend. I wouldn't miss it.

(Mike) I've an idea for an
infiltration technique.

It involves draining a man's
blood, replacing it with Tizer.

Sounds great.
Look forward to that.

- See you Saturday.
- Yeah.


Yes, right.

Good to see you looking
so enthusiastic, Bisley.

I'll let you know either way.

Thanks, Mr Knox.

- Damien.
- Thanks, Damien.

- Nice outfit.
- 0h, thanks.

He's nice, isn't he?

So, we happy?

Are we happy.

Right, mine's a pint
of the black stuff.

You can't drink
a pint of Bovril.


What do you think?

Very good. Very good indeed.

Schedule him in
for a meeting next Tuesday.

I think we're going to be seeing
a lot of young Mr Bisley.

- 0i oi.
- 0h. Hello.

Hi. Listen, I got that picture back.

- That's not all he got.
- Mike.

- I got off me ass.
- Did you?

- Yeah.
- What happened?

I bumped into a friend of yours.

Really? Why don't you
tell me all about it?

- My ass?
- Yeah, if you like.

Where's Tyres?


(Honks horn repeatedly)

(Beeping stops)

(Horn honks)


Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)