Spaced (1999–2001): Season 1, Episode 7 - Ends - full transcript

Oooh!

(Laughter)

Eeee!

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Hi. Hi!

- Yeah. No, I just... I'm just...
- Uhhh!

...you know, just hanging out... Stop it!

Er, no. Nobody, nobody.

Erm, yeah.

Today? All right, yeah. OK.



Well, I'II, er... I'll see you later, then. Bye.

That was Sarah. She wants to see me today.

- I wonder what that's all about.
- I dunno.

Maybe she wants her CD player back.

- Oooh!
- Maybe she's getting married.

Ooh!

- Maybe she's pregnant.
- Aaaarghhhh!

- So what's the attraction of this, then?
- What?

- Skateboarding.
- What do you mean?

- Why do you do it?
- It's quicker than walking.

- Is it easy?
- Daisy! I'm kinda busy at the moment.

- Have you seen my chocolate beanie?
- I was just asking.

The only woman in my life
I've ever cared about

who isn't computer-generated
or a fictional FBI agent



has just phoned up and asked to see me.

You've picked a weird time to take
a spontaneous interest in my travel habits.

- Thanks!
- All right, don't get upset.

You hate skateboarding, anyway.
You're always saying it's childish,

which really pisses me off because it's not.

- All right, calm down.
- I am calm!

I thought you were gonna take me to the ICA
to see Akira.

Yeah, well, you know...
we'll watch it on video.

What was all that stuff you were saying about
"You've gotta see it on the big screen"?

Well, we'll just... sit close to the telly.

All right, well... take care of yourself.

- Thank you.
- That's what you're best at, isn't it?

(? Teo Usuelli: Piacere Sequence)

So, er... how's it going?

Tim, I've split up with Duane.

What are you telling me for?

Daddy cool. (Chuckles)

Ow! Hi.

- Hi.
- Shall we go in?

- (Thump)
- Argh!

Can you believe it?
He's going out to meet her!

So? I see all of my ex-boyfriends.

I see my ex-girlfriends.

Well, not so much see as... watch.

- They might get back together.
- That's what she wants him to think.

She's gonna look really good,
to remind him of how much he likes her,

and say things like
"I'm just... I'm really confused."

What kind of creature does that...

and knowingly tortures someone
just to satisfy her own vanity?

- What are you doing today, Brian?
- Going to an exhibition later.

Tunde Aragundade's White Paintings
of the 20th Century.

- Sounds riveting.
- Is he the one who does the white paintings?

Yeah.

And he wears cheesecloth shirts?
I know who you mean.

D'you wanna come?

The thing is, I can't really walk in these heels.
They're more for sitting down than moving.

Oh, OK.

I'll pop back later if you change your...

shoes.

Bye.

- Did Brian just ask you out?
- No.

- Yes, he did.
- No, he didn't.

- Yes, he did.
- Don't be silly.

Yes, he diiiiid!

Did he?

So, er... how's it going?

Tim, I've split up with Duane.

(? Fantastic Plastic Machine: S'il Vous Pla?t)

Hey!

- How did it go?
- Pretty good.

- Pretty good?
- Yeah, she's split up with Duane.

- Right.
- She said she felt a little bit confused,

but basically... I think she wants me back.

We're gonna meet at the Bell later on,
talk at length.

- Right.
- Yes, and I've got a funny feeling

she's gonna want me
to move back in with her.

(Alarm sounds)

- What was that?
- It was our new doorbell.

I bought it back from the shop.
It was gonna be a surprise.

- It was a surprise.
- Good.

What do you mean,
you've got a funny feeling?

I just know, you know.
I can read her like a book.

- Don't judge a book by its cover.
- He who dares wins.

- Look before you leap.
- Do you believe in life after love?

- That's a song.
- (Whispers) Shit.

How do you know she's not gonna
change her mind and dump you again?

(Alarm sounds)

- That's the doorbell again.
- Go on, then.

All right!

It's Mike. Gotta take him for his re-evaluation.

- Hello, Daisy.
- Tim, I think we should talk about this.

Did I ever tell you how Mike and myself
became such good friends?

It's quite an interesting story.
It happened when we were children,

a long, long time ago.

(Daisy) Tim?

Tim? Tim!

What?!

- What?
- I can't believe you wanna move out.

I don't want to...

I don't want to move out from you,
I just want to move in with her.

- I don't understand.
- What is your problem?

- I thought you'd be happy for me.
- Oh, I am. Yes, I am.

It's what I want, Daisy.
You must have things you want.

You always go on about wanting to go to Asia
and see the Taj Mahal. I don't complain.

Yeah, I wanna go to Asia,
I wanna see the Taj Mahal.

But the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with its boss
behind my back and break my heart!

(Door slams)

Yeah, well, it might if you go to Asia.

What's her problem?

Maybe she's worried about you
stumbling blindly into a doomed relationship,

getting badly hurt again,

while losing this place and the friendship
you've built up over the past six months.

It must mean a lot to her or she wouldn't be
so bothered about your emotional wellbeing.

Get in the car, you big ape.

OK, then.

Just be yourself, OK? Don't do anything odd.
It's really important for me that you get this.

- It isn't your fault, Tim.
- It is, Mike.

- Isn't.
- Is.

- Isn't.
- Is.

- Isn't.
- Is.

- Is.
- Isn't...

- Ooh, why, you...
- Ahh!

It is my fault, Mike.
I know we were only little, but...

I can still see you up that tree.

Come on!

Come on!

(Clucks like a chicken)

(Splat)

If you hadn't jumped, your retinas'd still
be attached - you'd be in the regular army.

- You don't know that, Tim.
- Just...

- Give it your best shot, OK?
- Can't you come in with me?

I'm not your dad, Mike.

Here's your sandwiches.
I'll pick you up at five.

I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab,
I'm Andy McNab,

I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andie MacDowell...
(Whimpers)

(Military drums)

Mr Watt, we're here to ascertain whether
you're ready to rejoin the Territorial Army.

Yes.

It's important to establish that you understand
the reasons for your original suspension.

- I do, sir.
- Go on.

In 1994, while on weekend manoeuvres
in France,

I commandeered a Chieftain tank without
the permission of my immediate superiors.

I then attempted to invade Paris.

However, en route I stopped at Disneyland,
or Eurodisney as it was then called,

and was subsequently apprehended
on Space Mountain.

Do you have any explanation
as to why you might have done this?

At the time, I was suffering serious emotional
problems that clearly affected my judgment.

I had immersed myself in a fantasy world
of my own creation

and as a result I became very insular
and uncommunicative.

Why do you think that was?

I dunno.

Thanks for the shoes, Daise.

Ahh, are you sure
you don't want to come, mm?

No, better not, I've got loads of work to do.

- Well, maybe I could...
- (Door slams)

(Twist) Oof!

Kick. Kick. Kick!

Kick! Kick!

(Sighs)

- I'm going to pick up Mike from the TA.
- Yeah, all right.

What time are you meeting Sarah?

Will you get off my back?!

- I'm not on your back.
- You are!

Yeah... I can feel you, you're there,
like Jabba's little mate - "Wa-ha-ha!"

Why can't you just wish me luck
and say "Have a good time"?

I'm not a hypocrite, I wouldn't wish you luck
with something I think is bad for you.

- Well, can't you pretend?
- No.

- You just don't want me to move out, do you?
- What?

- You don't want me to move out.
- Is that what you think this is about?

- Well...
- You conceited little shit!

Don't you dare flatter yourself to think that
I would stand in your way for my own ends.

For your information,
I would be sad if you moved out,

but it isn't about me.

I'm your friend, and friends
are supposed to look out for each other,

and I think you're making a mistake.

If you're too stupid to see that, then someone,
a friend, me, should point it out to you.

Well, OK, while we're being friends,
maybe I should be a friend to you

and point out that
you're using my personal problems

as another in a long line of excuses not to get
out your bloody typewriter and do some work!

I am not avoiding work.

Oh, right, OK..."Ooh, let's have a party."

"Ooh, let's do some theatre."

"Ooh, let's get a dog."

"Ooh, let's spend hours in front of
our bedroom mirror bogling to Aswad!"

- That was research!
- You keep telling yourself that, Daisy,

but I think I am big enough and ugly enough
to make my own mistakes!

Well, Sarah obviously does.

(Computer game) Ha! Ha!

Nina Williams wins!

Ha-ha-ha!

Daisy Steiner wins!

Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha ha-ha!

(Knock at door)

- Oh, hi, Marsha.
- Hello. Are you busy?

Erm, well, yes, I'm...

working.

But I could do with a breather.

Listen... I couldn't help
overhearing you and Tim rowing.

- Really?
- Oh, it's all right.

It was ever so loud.

...bogling to Aswad!
- That was research!

Sorry.

That's all right. Do you want
a splash of vino collapso?

Once again, the fruit of my loins has fucked
off to Top Shop with the housekeeping.

Well, I'll just have the one.

I just saw that friend of yours, Twit,
leaving with Brian.

- What's that all about, then?
- They're just going to an exhibition together.

Is it serious?

Tunde Aragundade.

Bloody hell.

Oh, well. C'est la vie.

Et tu, Brian?

What is going on between you and Brian?

- This one?
- War.

- This one?
- Bombs?

- This one?
- Guts.

Guns.

Guts and guns.

Butterfly.

Butterfly with a bomb.

Finally, Mr Watt,
how does this make you feel?

(Chuckles) Nice.

Welcome back, Mike.

You and Brian?

Yeah.

Well...

one night he came up here, begging me
to let him stay cos he couldn't pay his rent.

We had a couple of bottles
of duty-free grappa.

Next thing I know...

I'm riding him like a bitch from hell.

(Splutters) You became lovers?

No, it was his rent, really.

Did he leave a deposit?

To tell you the truth,

I'm not sure how interested he is in women.

Nice Arse.

1957.

The Fifth Elephant.

Mm.

I mean, look at them, they're all so...

They're really...

Samey.

(Whispers) Yeah.

Exactly.

(Marsha laughs)

(Slurred) So, what have you and Tim
been rowing about?

- He says he wants to move out.
- Oh, dear.

Trouble in paradise.

He says I was avoiding work.

- Well, are you?
- No!

Yes.

Aah, don't worry, he'll come back.

- If he doesn't, are you gonna chuck me out?
- No!

I like having you here.

I feel like you've always lived here.

I hope you never leave.

(Echoes) Never leave... Never leave...
Never leave... Never leave...

(? Aswad: Don't Turn Around)

(Gasps)

Sorry, Marsha, I think...
I've got to get on with some work.

Oh, it's all right, kitten.

I'm gonna go and have a lie down, I'm pissed.

Listen...

you can tell your friend Twit
she can have Brian.

His housing benefit's come through, anyway.

- Good night.
- Night.

Right. You're coming with me.

(? Theme from Murder, She Wrote)

This was really inspiring, thank you, Brian.

- I got you a postcard.
- Thanks.

Oh, my favourite!

Well... I suppose... I'll see you.

Exhibition on next week. Sounds good.

- Really?
- It's Roman Duchamp's insect faecal matter.

Faecal? Lovely.

I was thinking...

afterwards, if you, er...

er, want to go for a drink?

Yep, OK.

(? Uptempo Brazilian music)

(? Sleazy slow jazz)

I've held you in my arms a thousand times

Closed my eyes
and known we would always be together

I smiled at you through all your many lies

Unknowing and unthinking
that eternity would be never

As distance dulls the memory
and bitter history grows hazy

I realise my one true love
is in fact a girl called...

- Hi.
- Hi! Hi, hi.

Ooh! (Laughs)

- Your hair looks nice.
- Thanks.

I see you're still murdering yours
with peroxide.

Ah! Don't know what you mean.

I guess we've got a lot to talk about.

Yeah, yeah. I guess we have.

- (? Murder, She Wrote)
- Paper... paper... I need more paper.

(Sighs) Paper.

Ah!

(Phone rings)

- Hello?
- Hi, Daisy, it's me.

Oh, Tim. Where are you?

I'm in the pub. Look, do you fancy a drink?

Erm... not really.

'Oh.'

Is Sarah still there?

- No, she's gone.
- Oh, I see. Right.

All right. Well, you get them in and I'll see you
in a few minutes. All right, mate?

- Hiya.
- Ah! Well...

I've been writing.

- Have you?
- Yep.

After you left, I just sat down in front of
my typewriter and it just poured out.

- Really?
- Yeah.

"Winter skin care: Dos and don'ts",

er, "Sex and food:
The modern woman's addiction",

and "Bogling - is it the new tango?".

Wow! So it was research?

Yeah.

So, I'm thinking Bella for the first two,
Observer for the bogling.

It's probably for the best.

Yeah, I know and before you say anything,
it was my decision.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She wanted me back but I said no.

Wow.

L-I just had a moment of clarity, you know.
I woke up.

It's like... you know
when you have an orgasm on your own?

You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa

watching some porn movie you bought
on a drunken, Ionely night in Soho,

and everything is really great.

You're getting totally turned on
by these absurdly graphic images,

everything seems so right,
and suddenly... bingo! You wake up.

And you're lying there sweating,

desperately looking for the tissue
which you know is still in your pocket

and the remote control
which is somewhere on the floor,

and it's like walking in on yourself, you know.

It's just like "What you doing?"

That's how I felt tonight, feeling my heart
miss a beat every time the door opened.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Well, that's love, isn't it? A load of old wank.

Life just isn't like the movies, is it?
You know?

We're constantly led to believe in resolution,
in the re-establishment of the ideal status quo

and it's just not true.

Happy endings are a myth

designed to make us feel better
about the fact that life is a thankless struggle.

(? Is You Is, Or Is You Ain't My Baby?)

Do you want to dance?

Do you know what? I think I do.

? Now, I got a woman who's always late

? Every time we make a date

? But I love her

? And I want her

? Gonna walk up to her gate

? See if I can get it straight

? Cos I love her

? I'm gonna ask her

? Is you is, or is you ain't my baby?

? The way you're acting lately
makes me doubt

? Yes, it does

? You is still my baby, baby

? It seems my flame in your heart's
done gone out

(Laughs manically)

Do you really watch porn in the flat?

Er, only when you're out.

Sometimes when you're asleep
on the beanbag.

- Can I borrow some?
- Er, yeah.

Thanks.

? When you find the one you love

? She's gone and made a change

? But is you is, or is you ain't my baby?

? Maybe baby's found somebody new

? Or is my baby

? Still my baby true??

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