Spaced (1999–2001): Season 1, Episode 6 - Epiphanies - full transcript

(? Dexys Midnight Runners: Come on Eileen)

? Come on, Eileen, to-loo-rye-ay

? Come on, Eileen, to-loo-rye-ay

? Now you have grown,
now you have shown

? Oh, Eileen

? Said, come on, Eileen

? I need to-loo-rye-ay

? Come on, I need to-loo-rye-ay

? Now I must say, more than ever

? Things round here have changed, I said

? Too-ra, loo-ra, too-ra, loo-rye-ay



(Music stops)

(Groans)

(Radio)? ... verge on dirty

? Ah, come on, Eileen

(Moans)

What are you doing playing army on Sunday
morning? You're missing Grange Hill.

The TA is no game, Tim.

It isn't the TA, Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.

You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're
thinking "It's Sunday, I'd rather be in bed."

And you're thinking "It's Sunday,
I'd rather be in Apocalypse Now."

(Duck call)

That's easy for you to say.
What are you doing later on?

- It's classified.
- Why don't you come round? I'm bored.

I can't - combat canoeing.



I'm learning to Eskimo roll with a two-stone
rucksack on my back, holding a loaded rifle.

They don't have rifles
in the Rough Ramblers, Mike.

- Hand grenades?
- No.

- Anthrax?
- Mike!

Listen, Tim, gotta go. Looks like we're
moving out. Roger Bravo Tango Alpha.

Come on, Mike.

- (Door buzzer)
- Yay! Danny Kendall's about to die.

'(Thud)'

(Both cheer)

You're right, that is better than
when Jeremy went into the swimming pool

to retrieve Fay's necklace
and suffered a brain embolism.

Bronson's got to pay.

(Laughs) Bronson's got to pay!

Tim, Bronson's got to pay.
He's got a toupee.

Can I bring the bike in? Your landlady's
got the look of a bike thief about her.

What, ageing female divorcee? What's
she gonna do, sell it to buy Jacob's Creek?

Don't get sarky, that bike's my living. Not like
you pretending to be a struggling cartoonist,

poncing off the state while decent taxpayers
like me fund your drink problem.

I wouldn't mind so much,
but you seem to be having such a shit time.

Anyway, I was just coming back from a club,
right, passed your gaff and I remembered -

you owe me 20 quid.

Daisy, this is Tyres,
he bikes my drawings round for me.

Tyres! Yeah, Tim told me
he had more than one friend,

I didn't believe him, but here you are -
it's The Village Of The Damned!

(Laughs)

- Are youse two...?
- What, hand? I don't...

- Are youse two an item?
- (Both Laugh)

No! No. That's... No. Well...

No, Daisy's not like that.
That's funny, that's actually funny.

- No, we're just mates, aren't we? Chums.
- Get off me!

Oh, I see, youse are er..."friends".

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Did you want a cup of tea, Tyres?

I couldn't eat a thing,
my stomach's like a walnut.

- Can't you even have tea?
- No, no solids.

- Something orange?
- Er, water?

Water? OK.

(Phone rings)

(? Dance beat)

(Different sounds add to the beat)

- (? Dance beat stops)
- Hello? What, already?

All right. I'll see you later.

- Who was that?
- It was Mike.

He just nearly drowned doing an Eskimo roll.
He put too many pebbles in his rucksack.

Last time I seen Mike he was on Crimewatch.

No, that was a case of mistaken identity.
Police had his house surrounded last week.

- No, this was about two months ago.
- Oh, yeah, that was him.

What did you do last night?

Last night? Last night was A1,
tip-top, clubbing jam fair.

It was a sandwich of fun on ecstasy bread,
wrapped up in a bag like disco fudge.

Doesn't get much better than that. I just wish
I could control these fucking mood swings!

So what did youse two friends do last night?

Oh, we just stayed in, didn't we?
Had a laugh, played Scrabble.

(? Roberto Picardo: Lena Sequence)

Six. Seven. Six.

Live, or live.

Shazam. It is a word. It is a word.
I've got a pile of comics this big.

- Captain Marvel says it.
- It's a nonsense invented word.

You're only doing that so you can use Z.
Take it off, it's not a word.

Pro V. Pantene Pro V.

You can't have Pantene Pro V!

It's the ingredient in the shampoo
that makes the hair silky and smooth!

It's a word they made up
to make shampoo sound important!

You're so naive. I cannot believe...

It probably isn't a word!

Fuck!

- What?
- The last four letters you threw spelt "fuck".

Oh. What do you think that means?

I see. So you skipped the sex part
and went straight to the Scrabble.

I can't get my head round this platonic
inter-gender relationship malarkey.

It just doesn't seem right.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind
having a chinwag with a honey,

but I just like to do it after waggling her chin,
you know what I mean?

- (Laughs) Yeah.
- You like to waggle your willie on her chin?

Don't come your post-feminist,
art-school bollocks with me, sunflower,

if that's your real frigging name, all right?

- I work for a living. What do you do?
- I write, actually.

Oh, do you? In other words,
you're on the dole.

So anyway, are youse two friends
coming out with me tonight or what?

- (Both) No money.
- I'll lend you the money.

- I already owe you 20 quid.
- Do you?

No.

- Oh, look, there's Madonna.
- Where?

- So we'll see you later, then, yeah?
- Cool, right.

OK, I'm going off for a shower, a shit and
a shave. I'll be back for youse about eleven.

Pack your party bags, people,
cos tonight is gonna be a large one, all right?

Be lucky! Oi-oi! (Laughs)

- What was all that about Madonna?
- Tyres has got a really short attention span.

I remember once... Oh, look, wrestling.

- Get the stick, get the stick!
- Come on.

- Aargh!
- Sorry, mate.

- Bastard!
- Sorry. God.

I haven't been to a club in ages.
I think we should ask Brian to come.

(Laughs) I don't really see Brian throwing
shapes in the church of dance, do you?

Well, he might if we ask Twist to come.

- Brian and Twist?
- Yeah! Get with the programme!

- Although Tyres'll think we're double-dating.
- Urgh.

He was funny, wasn't he? (Laughs)

What did you mean
when you said "Daisy's not like that"?

- I never said that.
- You did.

He said "Are you two...?"
And you said "No, Daisy's not like that."

- I just wondered what you meant.
- I just meant... I meant you're not like that.

I don't see you in that way.

- What am I? Chopped liver?
- (Laughs) I wish!

You're too hung up on your ex-girlfriend to
even notice the existence of another woman.

Who said that?!

No, I'm serious. I'm serious,
I think you've got a big problem.

Shut up! You don't know anything
about my problems!

Yes, I do. Half a bottle of Galliano
and that's all you talk about.

- Bloody Galliano.
- No, it's an obsession, Tim, it's unhealthy.

I heard you call her name out in your sleep
the other night.

How did you know I was asleep?

Why would you call her name out
if you were awake?

All I'm saying is I think you've got
a V big problem with your ex-G-friend.

Just back off, will you?
What do you care about what I do, anyway?

All right! I was just making an observation.

Yeah, well, don't, all right?
You don't know what you're talking about.

- Sorry!
- It's all right.

(Sighs)

You gonna ask Brian if he wants to come out?

(Annoyed) Yes!

- Are you gonna sulk all day?
- No!

(Whipping)

Can't come out.

We're going to a club later.
Do you want to come?

- I don't go to clubs.
- What do you mean, you don't go to clubs?

I'm working, Tim. Working.
Do you understand?

No, sorry. Got me there.

Trying to... avoid...

clich?s

by not actually placing my brush
on the canvas.

Wow. Right.

- I'm using my penis.
- Finally!

Do you want to see?

No, I'm just about to have my tea.
Why don't you come out? It'll be good for you.

No, it won't.

- (Whipping)
- Twist'll be there.

Will she?

Can't.

Huge.

- It's a no.
- Shh!

(Woman upstairs) Money, money,
that's all you care about.

- What do you know about what I care about?
- More than you think, young lady!

Leave me alone!

Oh, I feel for Amber.

(? Grunge)

(Scream of anguish)

I feel for Amber. (Wicked laugh)

? Why you gotta play that song so loud?

? Because we want to, because we want to

(Sobbing upstairs)

- (Knock on door)
- That'll be Marsha.

No!

- Hi, Marsha.
- Hello.

Sorry about the noise. Periods, you know.

- Her dad left.
- I thought he left when she was two.

Yeah, yeah. She is milking it slightly.

- So do you want a tea?
- No, no, I won't intrude.

Yeah, all right, then, I'll have a small one.

One small tea.

It's difficult, isn't it? Me and my mum
used to row all the time.

I'll worry about you
if you stay out later than ten.

- Try to think about my feelings.
- Oh, all right.

- Bye, Mum. Love you.
- Bye, dumpling. Love you too.

(Sighs) Oh, yeah! She used to go ballistic.

She'd say "You're not going out"
and I'd say "Yes, I am." (Laughs)

It was a nightmare.
She was just so unreasonable.

- For God's sake, she was worried about you.
- No, she wasn't.

She was scared to face a life without me
so she tried to stop me from growing.

That is so self-obsessed,
as if everything revolved around you.

She probably looked forward to you going
but wanted to show she cared about you.

If she'd wanted to do that,
she could have bought me that pony.

That's what it boils down to with you -
money, money, money. It's all you care about.

- What do you know about what I care about?
- More than you think, young lady.

Oh, leave me alone!

(Sound of speeding vehicle)

You got any biscuits?

(Weak whistle)

How is she?

The fibreglass on the outer casing
was severely damaged in the incident.

- What happened?
- Showing off, Tim.

I had fifteen rocks in my rucksack
instead of the regulation five.

I knew something was wrong when I got her
in the water. She was sitting so low.

So low.

But I didn't stop, Tim. Fifteen rocks
in my rucksack and everyone knew it.

So what happened when you rolled?

I lost control of the vessel
two feet from the shore.

As I struggled to right her,
I banged into the jetty,

damaging the canoe's carcass.

The ramble leader had to dive in
and rescue me from beneath the canoe.

So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll,

it was more a case of rolling right Inuit!

Inuit's another word for Eskimo.

(Sobs) I've been thrown out, Tim. The
Rough Ramblers don't want me any more.

Come on, come on. Come on.

I've gotta face it, Tim.
I'm not the big man, not the leader.

No-one's ever gonna look up to me.
I feel like a failure.

You're not a failure, Mike, you're not.

You're too good for them.
They're not ready for you.

You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.

- Yeah, like the A-Team.
- Yeah, you're like Mr T but white and hairy.

- I am, aren't I?
- I feel sorry for anybody who says you're not.

- I pity the fool.
- I pity the fool.

- "I ain't going on no plane, sucker."
- Stop that.

- I'll never be in the real army, though, will I?
- No.

- Cos of what happened.

I know, Mike, and I'm sorry,
but this was a long time ago.

I haven't let you down since, have I?

No.

- And I never will.
- I know.

Come 'ere, you big twat.

- Ahem! Excuse me.
- Just a second.

OK.

Mike!

- Cheap Dutch lager for the lady?
- No, thanks.

- Oh, thanks(!)
- I'm on a special diet. I have to eat like a bird.

What, like this?

(Daisy laughs)

- Where's Brian?
- Yeah, Tim, where's Brian?

- Up his own arse.
- You don't like him?

I do like him, I'm just not sure why.

How are you, Mike?

- Yep.
- That's a well-fitted body warmer, Mike.

It's a life jacket.

- Have you been yachting?
- I've been all-terrain rambling.

Kind of off-road rambling.
Comes in all forms of outdoor pursuits -

walking, canoeing, killing.

- Killing?
- No, no. No killing.

- Maybe you should take the jacket off now.
- He will when he's ready.

- Coming out tonight, Mike?
- I don't know. I don't really go out much.

- I haven't got anything to wear.
- Come on, Mike. Come on! Let's all go out.

Let's get dressed up and go out.
We'll be like a gang. Like a group.

Like an army. Yeah.

- Try this.
- Hey, is this mine?

- That's mine!
- I let you borrow my clothes.

Why would I want to borrow your clothes?

(Wolf whistle)

Oh, you look fantastic!

- Too tight?
- (Twist and Daisy) No!

It does look really good. Maybe you could
tie something round your waist...

(Twist and Daisy)
If you feel a bit self-conscious.

- The style's a bit feminine, isn't it?
- (Twist and Daisy) No!

Of course it's too feminine, it's a girl's top!
Get away from him.

Mike, don't let them dress you up
like a giant cock.

I had to dress up
as an elderly Israeli woman once.

- Did you?
- I didn't have to.

We should talk.

(? Dance music)

Is this too much?

- (Both) Yes.
- No!

Oh, hi, Bri.

- Can I use your video while you're out?
- What are you gonna do?

Stick it to canvas as part of a piece depicting
a society populated by cathode junkies

selling their imagination for quick-fix
media hits from the Blockbuster syringe?

No, I want to record Ready Steady Cook.

OK.

- You're sure you don't want to come out?
- No, I don't go to clubs.

- Oh, why?
- Erm...

- Just don't.
- (Door buzzer)

Get that, will you, Mike?

So, er... packed the party bag?

Yes, two fresh jumpers, two fresh T-shirts,
two woolly hats, all right?

You saved any small countries
from tyranny recently?

- No.
- I like a soldier that minds his own business.

Wahey! Oh, you lucky people!

- Who's this?
- It's Brian. He's not coming.

- Why are you not coming?
- Well... Yeah, why aren't you coming?

Why aren't you coming, Brian?
It won't be the same without you. Please!

I don't go clubbing!

Hello, everyone.

- Oh, hi, Marsha.
- Hi, Marsha.

You all going out?

(AIl) Yeah, except Brian.

Looks like it's just you and me, then, Brian.

(? Dance music)

- I'm gonna put my coat in the cloakroom.
- Yeah, take mine, will you, Daisy?

- Take mine, too.
- There's no point us both queuing, is there?

Thanks very much, little lady.

- Who wrote the music?
- What?

- Who wrote the music?
- I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

What?

(Whistle)

(? Dance beat pounds)

(? Dance beat slows)

(? Dance beat kicks in once more)

I've got to dance!

Let's weave!

(Music stops)

(Music fades back in)

Hey, listen, I'm sorry about earlier on,
snapping at you.

I was so out of order. I'm really sorry.

No!

No, it's fine. It was fine. It's good.

- Is it?
- Yeah, we're on another level.

Yeah, we are, cos we can snap at each other
and it doesn't matter

and it's not a problem, it's not an issue,
you know what I mean?

It's beneath us, yeah.

Yeah, cos I like you, I do.
I just like living with you, it's fun.

You know, you're so talented,
you're gonna do so well.

You are. You are. No, you are.

- You're so good.
- No.

- You're such a good artist.
- Am I?

- You are! You're so good.
- I am.

You're gonna be fine,
we're both gonna be fine, gonna do well.

We're gonna do so well and when we do,
we'll get a big house in Hampstead

and we'll get a room in the house
and have our own club.

Have a club and we'll get all our friends in.

We'll be like the King and Queen of Clubland,
you and me.

Yeah, you and me.

(Both laugh)

Yaaay! Ah-ha-ha!

Terribly sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

I was just wondering if you two friends
would like to come and join the collective.

(Cheering)

- I'm sorry I left you in the queue.
- I had a great time. Where's Mike?

- Where's Mike?
- Where's Mike?

He's over there.

(Cheering)

(? Remix of A- Team theme tune)

My work here is done.

(Chokes)

? Ooh, only for the, only for the

? Only for the hardcore UK raver

? Ba-ba-nyow-nyow-ne-ne

? Havin' it large, havin' it major,
havin' it large, havin' it major

? Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh

? Rewind!?