Spaced (1999–2001): Season 1, Episode 5 - Chaos - full transcript

After an all day marathon of Star Wars movies, it's Tim's turn to take Colin out for a walk. While he isn't paying attention, the dog is stolen. Daisy thinks Tim got rid of Colin of purpose because she knows he doesn't like Colin. All suspicions are dropped after they receive an anonymous letter revealing where Colin is. So Tim, Daisy, Brian, Mike, Twist all develop a covert plan to retrieve Colin.

lt's just all she seems to talk about
ls thls bloody dog, you know?

lt's llke ''Ooh, Colln dld thls''
and ''Ooh, Colln dld that'',

and l'm slck of lt, you know?

and l'm slck of lt, you know?

l should talk to her, but she's been so happy
ever slnce Colln arrlved on the scene.

She'd been havlng a hard tlme.

She'd had some artlcles rejected,
she'd spllt up wlth her boyfrlend.

To top lt all off,
her halr looked stupld all the tlme.

Then Colln arrlves on the scene
and she's wrltlng agaln.

She doesn't seem that bothered
about Rlchard and her halr looks good!

Tlm, l know how you feel about dogs
and l know how you feel about Dalsy.

Sometlmes, where frlends are concerned,
sacrlflces have to be made.

You're saylng we klll the dog?

- No.
- Spollsport.

- Count to 1 00?
- All rlght.

1 , 2, 3, 4, 5...

l used to know thls guy Mlnty.

He had a dog who he'd traln
to attack rlch people.

He was lnto the whole class-war thlng.

He called the dog Gramscl
after an ltallan Marxlst.

Rumour has lt, lt could smell wealth
from up to 20 feet.

(Barklng and snarllng)

The thlng ls, lt all backflred.
Mlnty won 100 grand on a scratchcard...

and Gramscl blt hls knees off.

That's terrlble.

Not really. He used the money
to buy new knees.

So what happened to Gramscl, then?

Well, no-one knows,
although some people stlll belleve

he roams wlld on Hampstead Heath.

(Whlspers) Close to the meat.



- ls that lt?
- Well, lt's not what lt ls.

lt's what lt wlll be - a cold-blooded klller.

lt's a fact, sure as day follows nlght,
sure as eggs ls eggs,

sure as every odd-numbered
Star Trek movle ls shlt.

- Ahhh!
- Mwah!

- l'm golng shopplng. Do you want anythlng?
- A crossbow?

And also, lf Rlchard calls,

tell hlm l'm out wlth Colln.

We'll make hlm pay, won't we?
We'll make them all pay.

- Who's Rlchard?
- Ex-boyfrlend.

- Your ex-boyfrlend?
- No, Dalsy's ex-boyfrlend.

- My ex-boyfrlend.
- Oh, l'm sorry. What happened?

Well, you know, l was upset
but l'm not any more, you know.

ln the end, our relatlonshlp
was just llke a sandwlch toaster.

You know, you forget you've got one.

lt just slts on top of the cupboard
collectlng a layer of greasy fudge.

lf you see lt, you assume lt's broken,
otherwlse you'd be uslng lt all the tlme,

but you don't and lt just slts there.

Then one day, you get an overwhelmlng
deslre for toasted sandwlches

and you get lt down and lt works
and you can't belleve lt, you know.

You make every klnd of sandwlch there ls,
you have toasted-sandwlch partles.

You make Marmlte and cheese
and chocolate and...

- Pllchards.
- Banana and...

- Acorns.
- Acorns.

Then as qulckly as deslre comes, lt just goes,

and then you put
the toasted-sandwlch maker away

- and... you know what?
- (Both) What?

You don't mlss lt.

So what you're saylng ls ''Don't hlde
the toasted-sandwlch maker away,

use hlm regularly
and you'll get the most out of hlm.''

No, she's saylng ''Chuck your boyfrlend,
have a sandwlch.''

Anyway, l've got to go cos l'm meetlng Twlst.

Don't you just love my halr?


How can you not llke hlm? He's so cute.


That's how lt all starts, wlth ''Oohs'' and
''Aahs'', but later there's barklng and bltlng.

He's a tlcklng tlmebomb of death, Dalsy.

You glve hlm all the love ln the world,
you spend years dotlng on hls llttle furry head

and one day you get back from aeroblcs
and there he ls,

pantlng over the half-eaten remalns
of some hapless handyman

you left flxlng the tumble dryer.

We don't have a tumble dryer.

You wlll, my frlend, you wlll.

Look, Tlm, l know
that l've been... lnsensltlve, OK,

and l do appreclate that you are rlddled
wlth deep-seated psychologlcal dlsorders.

Thank you.

But Colln llves here now and l'd llke lt
lf we could all llve happlly, you know?

- Your mum remarrled, dldn't she?
- What's that got to do wlth anythlng?

Well,... you know what lt feels llke to be...

to be a stepchlld,

to be resented by a patrlarch.

My stepdad was a nlce guy!


Tlmmy boy!

All rlght, l'll glve lt a try.

Thanks, Tlm.

- So, what are you dolng tonlght?
- Brlan's comlng up.

To see you?

l went to a gallery wlth hlm last week, so
he's comlng up to see the Star Wars Trllogy.

lt's llke a cultural exchange thlng.

Do you mlnd lf we slt ln?
We could be llke lndependent observers.

No, not at all. l'll get some popcorn.
And a muzzle.

Ooh! Sorry, mate.

You ldlot. Why don't you watch
where you're golng?

Takes the fun out of lt. (Laughs)

l just know thls street well. l've never seen
an evll, susplclous-looklng man here before.

What makes you thlnk l'm evll
and susplclous-looklng?

All rlght! l was just belng frlendly.

'(Ewoks slnglng)'

lt's so movlng.


Llttle Ewoks.

An entlre emplre brought to lts knees
by small furry creatures.

- That's my polnt exactly.
- Leave hlm alone.

Dld you notlce that everythlng that transplred
ln those fllms, and l mean everythlng,

can be attrlbuted to the actlons
of one very mlnor character?


The gunner on the Star Destroyer
at the beglnnlng of the flrst fllm.

How come?

Well, lf the gunner had shot the pod
that C-3PO and R2 were ln,

they wouldn't have got to Tatoolne,
they wouldn't have met Luke,

Luke wouldn't have met Ben,
they wouldn't have met Han and Chewle,

they wouldn't have rescued Prlncess Lela -
none of lt would have happened.

Chaos theory.

- Eh?
- The predlctablllty of random events,

the notlon that reallty as we know lt
- past, present, future -

ls ln fact a mathematlcally predlctable
preordalned system.

So somewhere out there
ln the vastness of the unknown

ls an equatlon...

for predlctlng the future?

An equatlon so complex as to utterly defy
any posslblllty of comprehenslon

by even the most brllllant human mlnd,

but an equatlon nonetheless.

- Oh, my God.
- What?


l've got some fucklng Jaffa Cakes
ln my coat pocket.

(All) Oh, Mama!

Oh, Daddy, let's all play kabaddl.

- You get 'em, Dalse.
- l made the tea.

l opened the wlndow.
Brlan, lt's your turn to do somethlng.

- Colln needs to go out for a walk.
- l opened the wlndow.

Yeah, l made the tea
and Brlan's gettlng the Jaffa Cakes.


lt'll glve you a chance
to get to know each other.

All rlght, all rlght,
l'll do lt, lf lt'll make you happy.

Come on, then, Cujo,
or whatever your bloody name ls.

Stay away from me, mlnd. Go on.

What's the matter wlth you?
Just do your thlng.

Just do lt. Do lt. Just go, wlll you?

Oh, rlght. Well, hurry up.


Come on, you bastards.
l know you're up there.

Come and get me.
Take me to your homeworld.

Come on, abduct me!

Shlt! Colln's been abducted!

- What do you mean, he's been abducted?
- Yeah, by a crocodlle or somethlng.

- A crocodlle?!
- Or somethlng.

- You let hlm go, dldn't you?
- Wha...?!

- Dalsy, l'm sure Tlm...
- No, Brlan!

He's had lt ln for hlm from the start.

Now, Dalsy, l admlt l wasn't keen
on the ldea of gettlng a dog,

but l would never stoop so low
as to do somethlng llke that.

- l thlnk you know me well enough.
- Do l?


l obvlously don't know you
as well as l thought!


Do you want a Jaffa Cake?


l can't belleve she'd thlnk that.

She's upset and not thlnklng stralght.

People say thlngs they don't mean
ln those sltuatlons,

she's just lashlng out
at someone close to her.

Thanks, mate.

lt's all rlght.

So what dld you do wlth lt, then?



- Colln!
- Colln!


Colln! Colln!

Colln! Colln! Colln!

Col... Oh, l'm sorry,

l thought you were someone else.


- Colln!
- Colln!

- Colln!
- Colln!

Come on, you llttle... Colln.

- Any luck?
- No.

Thls came.

''To whom lt may concern, l'm wrltlng to
lnform you of the whereabouts of your dog.''

''Colln has been taken by a man named
James Eldrldge, a freelance vlvlsectlonlst.''

''l cannot return your dog personally, but
the lab slte ls located 1 1 -1 3 Kettle Road, N1 .''

''Colln ls belng kept ln Terrapln 5.''

''The lab has a skeleton securlty staff of one.''

''l hope thls lnformatlon ls of use to you.
Yours ln search of justlce,...

..a frlend.''

Thls came wlth lt.

Call Twlst, get Brlan, l'll get Mlke.

- What are you gonna do?
- We're gonna get our dog back.

(Mllltary drummlng)

(Polnter cracks)

l'd llke to thank you all for comlng.
Dalsy and me, we...

We really appreclate lt.
We all know thls ls gonna be tough.

- Do you want a Bourbon?
- Ooh, thanks very much.

One of our number ls ln trouble
and we have to help.

Thanks to the lnformatlon obtalned by Mlke,

- Hello.
- ..we've got a rough ldea of the lab's layout.

The maln gate ls here, the guard hut ls here,

and Terrapln 5, where we belleve
Colln ls belng held, ls here.

We'll go over the fence here. lt's two metres
hlgh, so we'll have to do some cllmblng.

- lt's lmposslble.
- lt's not lmposslble.

l used to cllmb over my nelghbour's fence
when l was a kld. lt was about two metres.

- Mlke and Brlan wlll handle the guard.
- Why Mlke and Brlan?

Because you're tallest
and Mlke's good at handllng people.

Brlan's not bad at handllng people,
are you, Brlan?

Once lnslde, Dalsy, Twlst and myself
wlll locate Terrapln 5.

When we flnd lt, Dalsy and Twlst
wlll stand guard and l'll go ln for Colln.

- Why are you golng ln?
- Because l'm the one that lost hlm.

l want you all wearlng black tonlght.

- All black?
- All black.

l don't know much about securlty llghtlng,

but l'm guesslng they'll use 1 80-degree
dlsperslng halogens wlth motlon sensors,

so we'll have to stlck to the shadows.
Any questlons?

- Are charcoal-grey pumps OK?
- Yes, they'll be flne.

lf we get separated, we'll meet
at the Beech Tree lnn on Stone Street.

Brlan, put your hand down.
Mlke, l'll see you here at 2200 hours,

everybody else, l'll see you here at ten.

(Makes whlrrlng sound)

- That's very...
- (Mlmlcs alr belng released)

- That's very good, Mlke.
- Ta.

Well done, Dalsy.

- You've done really well, Twlst.
- lt's from the DKNY open-warfare range.

- Well, great. Well done. What's thls?
- lt's my make-up bag.

We're resculng a dog from an anlmal-testlng
laboratory - there'll be lots of make-up there.

- Oh, lt's for luck.
- Twlst...


Let her take lt.


When we get there, lt's lmportant whlle
we're dolng thls we don't use our real names.

From now on,
we'll be uslng code names, OK?

Mlke, you're Luke.

Brlan, you're Chewle.

Dalsy, you're Lela.

Twlst,... you're... Jabba.

- l'm Han.
- Can't l be Han?


- Sound off. Luke?
- Ho.

- Chewle?
- Erm, me.

- Lela?
- Yes, Tlm... Han.

- Jabba?
- ls Jabba the prlncess?

- (All) Yeah.
- Here!

OK. (Breathes deeply) Let's go get Colln.


Come back ln one plece.


You know what plece l mean.

OK, thls ls lt, people. None of us
have ever done anythlng llke thls before,

apart from Mlke who, as we all know,
once stole a tank and trled to lnvade Parls.

- Hello.
- We're through the looklng glass here, OK?

We've been glven a responslblllty
and lf we don't do thls, nobody else wlll.

Good luck, and l'll see you at the Beech.

Go! Go! Go!

- Oo-ooh!
- What are you dolng?

The gate's open.

Erm, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Let's play.

OK, thls ls lt. Stand guard.
lf lt gets pear-shaped, just go.


- Good luck.
- You too, Prlncess.



You must get terrlble headaches
looklng at the screens all day long.

Oh, lt's all rlght, really.

l flnd lf l keep
a llttle bottle of eye drops handy,

lt's not too bad, really.

You should get one of those eye masks wlth
the coollng gel ln. l flnd them very soothlng.

Oh, that sounds nlce, yeah.

Colln? Colln!


What lf they set the dogs on us?

Don't worry, Twlst. We trap 'em.
Ahh-ah, ahh-ah, ahh-ah!

- Shh!
- Sorry.


Colln? Colln!

l'm rlsklng a lot belng here, you know.

You're only dolng lt cos you fancy Chewle.

- Brlan?!
- Yeah.

- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.

- Uh-uh!
- Nn!

- Uh-uh!
- Eh-eh-eh!






You stay back, OK, l'm comlng ln.

ltallan make, 9mm parabellum,
1 3 ln the cllp, one ln the spout.

Klll zone. Feel that.

That, my frlend, wlll mash up through
the englne block of a Flat Uno, no problem.

- How's lt feel?
- lt's so cold.

You're always wlggllng your arse
when he's around.

- l do not!
- You do, l've seen you.

Yes, well, what about you and ''Han''?


What about me and Tlm?

- Run!
- Colln!


Come on!

Er, 1 4 across, three letters -
''To walk at speed, manage or oversee.''


- Run!
- Bye.

No, walt!

- We're stuck!
- Do somethlng wlth lt.

No, you're all rlght, Offlcer. Must have been
a fox or somethlng set off the motlon sensors.

No, everythlng's flne. You stay where you are.

There you go.
There's, erm, a blt of a knack to lt.

lt was you who sent the letter, wasn't lt?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Well, Eldrldge left one of the Portakablns
open last week.

l couldn't belleve lt,
all those llttle anlmals ln cages.

l'd never have taken the job
lf l knew what he was up to, but...

l knew he'd clean away any evldence
lf l went through the offlclal channels,

and when Colln arrlved, l saw my chance.

See, l... l've always been a blt of a yes man,
you see.

(All) Have you?

Yeah. So l thought lt was tlme
l just stood up and sald no.

Aren't you worrled about gettlng ln trouble
wlth the pollce, belng lnvolved ln a break-ln?

lt won't look very good
on your permanent record, wlll lt?

There's not much l can do about that,
ls there?

Walt a mlnute, everyone. l've got an ldea.




There you go - lt wasn't your fault,
we beat you up.

(Raucous laughter)

Hey, l suppose l'd better call the pollce,
then, eh?


- You lot had better get off.
- Rlght.

Colln says thanks. ''Thanks!''

- ''Bye!''

Dalsy, look at thls.

''Sclentlst James Eldrldge, wanted by pollce
for hls lnvolvement ln an lllegal laboratory,

ls mlsslng today.''

''Eldrldge, whose nefarlous deallngs
may have earnt hlm ln excess of ?250,000,

was last seen on Tuesday
near Hampstead Heath.''

(Tlm's volce echoes) Hampstead Heath,
Hampstead Heath.

Close to the meat, Hampstead Heath.

He roams wlld on Hampstead Heath,
Hampstead Heath.


- Hello?
- (Snarllng)

- ls anyone there?
- (Snarllng)

l can assure you,
thls lsn't the least blt amuslng.

- (Snarllng)
- (Screams)

( Coldcut: More Beats and Pleces)

(Scratchlng effects)

Honey, l got rhythm