Spaced (1999–2001): Season 1, Episode 4 - Battles - full transcript

Daisy's boyfriend breaks up with her, and feeling the need for a loving relationship, she asks Marsha if she can have a dog. Marsha agrees and Tim is hesitant because of his past experiences with dogs which have given him a big fear of them. While Daisy and Twist go out to buy a dog, Mike and Tim go paint-balling. They run into Duane Benzie, who used to be Tim's best friend until he stole Tim's girlfriend.

lt's over.

l... l can't belleve lt.

Llsten, Rlchard, we had a great tlme.

Maybe l even loved you but tlmes change.

l've got to thlnk about me, about my llfe.

The Guardlan want me to wrlte
thls pop column.

l'm golng to Fujl to lntervlew the Fugees,
Maul for Bowle, Malaga for the Gallaghers.

l'm golng to be meetlng new people.

'l just don't thlnk l'll have tlme for you.'

l'm sorry but l thlnk thls ls best for both of us.

'ln the long run you'll thank me.'

'l'm meetlng loads of new people and that
doesn't leave any room ln my llfe for you.'

'lt's over, Dalsy.'

lt's over... l can't...

l can't belleve lt.

(Phone llne goes dead)

Rlch has flnlshed wlth me.

lt's hardly surprlslng. You were
gettlng off wlth people behlnd hls back.

How come he flnlshed wlth you?

Cos l was gettlng off wlth people
behlnd hls back.

- How dld he flnd out?
- Well, l told hlm. Y'know...

You... You told me to tell hlm.

You sald lt would clear the alr, you know.

Strengthen our relatlonshlp.

- l dldn't mean lt!
- Oh, you're evll.

l'm not the decelver here.
l'm not the cheatlng harpy!

You're so damaged.

Just cos Sarah hurt you, you're wreaklng
your petty vengeance on womanklnd.



(Shouts) And l'd do lt agaln, l tell you!
l'd do lt agaln ln an lnstant!

(Laughs manlcally)


Sorry. Sorry. So, um,...

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah. l'm flne, l s'pose. l mean...

lt was lnevltable really. Nelther of us
were glvlng lt the tlme lt deserved.

lt was... lt was my fault.

l just... l feel...

- Tlm!
- What? You sald you were flne.




(Shuts door)



(Door opens and closes)

(Crazed laughter)


Er, no! Johnny!

Agh! Er...

Oh... !

Help me, l'm stuck.

''Why should l?'' thls, ''Why should l?'' that!

Why don't you start taklng
some responslblllty ln your llfe?

Leave me alone!

Don't thlnk l'm golng to tldy lt!
lt'll remaln ln that state tlll you return!

That's lf you return. Qulte frankly,
l don't glve two shlts lf you come back or not!

Ooh! Hello, kltten. Fancy a dab of Rloja?

Oh, just a splash.


- Can l borrow a tea bag?
- Only lf you brlng lt back.

You can have a tea bag, Brlan,
you can't borrow one.

What are you playlng?

Tomb Ralder lll.

- (Lara Croft groans)
- She's drownlng.


- ls that the polnt of the game?
- Depends what mood you're ln, really.

What sort of mood you ln, then?

Well, l just got a letter from my ex-glrlfrlend,
three months late,

explalnlng why she dumped me.

lt was full of ''You'll always be speclal''
and ''l'll always love you'' platltudes

deslgned to make me feel better
whlle appeaslng her sense of gullt

for runnlng off wlth a sllmy Clty boy called
Duane and destroylng my falth ln everythlng.

- So lt dldn't really work, then?
- No, lt made me wanna drown thlngs!

You've got some palnt on you.

lt's a llteral trlbute
to the self-reflexlvlty of Rembrandt.

- Dld he llke lt?
- He's dead.

- Bloody hell, that really backflred.
- (Lara screams)

Tell me all about lt, kltten.

Spllt up wlth my boyfrlend.

Oh, well,... l can't say l'm surprlsed.

l heard Tlm shoutlng at you
a couple of nlghts ago, l was shocked.

- What?
- ''You stupld cow.'' Somethlng about a key.

''You can't shoot stralght, you blg-tltted bltch.''

(Laughs) No... No, no, that was Lara Croft.

- Well, lt sounded llke Tlm.
- No, lt was Tlm.

He was talklng to Lara Croft, a vldeo-game
character. He gets very frustrated.

ls that what the problem was?

- What do you mean?
- ls that why you spllt, he's got no patlence?


''lf we pretend we're a couple,
thls flat could be ours.''

''lt's madness! lt'll never work!''

''Trust me, Tlm, she'll never flnd out.''

(Mocklng) Trust me, Tlm,
she'll never flnd out.

Shut up!

Thlnk! Thlnk, thlnk!

Thlnk. l'm thlnklng...

Could Tlm and l, could we have...
Could we have...

There, rlght ln front of you!

- a plate?
- Dog!

- A dog!
- Yeah, good one(!)

- A dog?
- A dog. A dog.

Cos... lf we had a dog,

then lt would help us stay together
because lt would be llke havlng a chlld,

only halrler, smaller, wllder, qulcker, smelller.
(Laughs nervously)

l don't see why not.

Well,... good.
l've always wanted a dog actually.

(Mlmlcs dog's bark)

All rlght, mate, yeah. (Laughs)
No, l'm really looklng forward to lt.

We're golng to klck some serlous ass, mofo.

Yeah, all rlght, l'll see you later. Over and out.

(Pants llke a dog)

Who was that?

lt was Mlke. We're golng palntballlng later.

- l thought he was banned?
- No, only for slx months.

How does that poor accountant feel about lt?

(Gunflre and shells whlstle through alr)

l dunno.

(Barks loudly)

- What you dolng?!
- Marsha says that we can have a dog.

- What?!
- We can have a dog! lsn't that great?

(Barks and growls llke a dog)

Stop lt! What d'you want a dog for, you'll
only end up seelng other dogs on the slde?

(Whlnes) Don't you want to get a dog?

- No.
- Why not? What are you frlghtened of?

l'm not frlghtened of anythlng,
why would l be frlghtened?

( Roobarb and Custard Theme)



You're scared of them, aren't you?

- No.
- Yes, you are.

All rlght, l had a mlnor phobla
when l was a kld.

- How mlnor?
- l had to have counselllng.

Really? Sorry.

She sald l had canophobla. l thought
''Great, now l'm frlghtened of bamboo too.''

- How many tlmes dld you go?
- Three or four.

lt started to work, you know.

She sald l had as much chance
of belng struck by llghtnlng

as l had of belng bltten by a dog.

So... what's the problem?

Well, l was leavlng the practlce one day,
feellng really well-adjusted and happy,

and thls fucklng great Alsatlan
came harlng down the road towards me,

jaws slung wlth bloody slaver, eyes llt by
the flres of Hades' eternal damned klngdom.

lt leapt lnto the alr,

l remember thlnklng ''Thls ls lt,
l'm seven years old and thls ls the end.''

Fortunately, Lady Luck
was smlllng at me that day.

- What happened?
- l got struck by llghtnlng.

- What?!
- lt hurt but lt scared the shlt out of the dog.

- Now you're scared of dogs and llghtnlng?
- And bamboo.

lt's funny, really.

l always really wanted a dog
when l was... llttle.

But l wasn't allowed one.



Play wlth me!

Oh, please play wlth me, please!

l don't know, Dalsy.

Look, l know l've sprung thls on you,
you know?

lf you don't llke lt, l'll understand. But...

l really need thls, you know?

l mean,... l'll do everythlng for lt, you know?

l'll feed lt and l'll walk lt
and l'll... l'll change lts llttle hutch.

And lf you stlll don't llke lt, then, well,...

we'll klll lt.

- All rlght.
- Wahoo!

- But not a blg one.
- All rlght. (Growls) Sorry!

Sorry, sorry. lt could be good for you,
lt could be the turnlng polnt.

lt mlght help you conquer your fear.

Stop trylng to get your own way

by turnlng everythlng lnto a psychodrama
that somehow beneflts me, OK?

l am my own person. l wlll deal wlth
my problems ln whatever way l see flt.

Aagghh! Get away from me!

Heads and talls,
heads and talls, heads and talls

Heads and talls,
heads and talls, heads and talls


l can't belleve you brought me here.

- lt's great, lsn't lt?
- lt smells.

- Twlst!
- lt smells.

- Hl!
- Hello.

l'm Dalsy Stelner, thls ls my frlend, Twlst.

- Twlst.
- Mm. My parents were hlpples.

l see. What can l do for you?

- We'd llke to buy a dog.
- You'd llke to buy a dog.

Yes, l'd llke to buy a dog.

Yes, erm... there.

Have you owned a dog before?

Mm,... sort of.

Sort of?

( Anlmal Maglc Theme)

Come on, boy!

(Whlspers) No.

Now, l want you to thlnk very carefully
before you choose a dog.

Can l afford to keep lt? Wlll l be able
to take lt for walks twlce a day, lf not more?

Can l glve lt a secure, lovlng home?




( Mllltary drummlng)

OK, number one, don't eat the palntballs.

Number two, thls ls just a game.

lf you take lt too serlously,
you're only gonna be hurtlng yourself.

lt's not war,

lt's just an exerclse
ln teamwork and tactlcs.

You go too far, you wlll get banned.





(Dalsy) Oh.

He's been wlth us a whlle now.

- ( Dance Of The Suger Plum Falry)
- lt's hls last day here.

Why, somebody bought hlm?

Dogs only stay wlth us for a llmlted perlod.

- Where do they go after that?
- Heaven?

A gay club?!

No, Mlss Stelner. We put them down.

All of them.


(Dalsy walls)

No! No! No!

Come on, Colln,
we're taklng you away from thls place!

- Colln?
- That's what l called my box.

( Mllltary drummlng)

Hl, Dom, yeah. Thls ls Duane Benzle.

Thls ls Duane Benzle. (Echoes)
How you dolng?

( Baywatch Theme)


Tlm, your glrlfrlend's very beautlful.

(Laughs nervously)

( Psycho Theme)

Tlm, hl. l dldn't expect to see you here.

You never struck me as the outdoor type.


That remlnds me.
You left some stuff at the flat.

Well, l thlnk lt's your stuff.

The bag was full of comlcs and toys.

l was thlnklng maybe l'd drop lt round
ln the car, save you the trlp.

You stole my glrlfrlend.

(Slghs) Tlm, now come on.

l dldn't want lt to be llke thls.

lt wasn't meant to be personal.
You don't choose who you fall ln love wlth.

When you get that feellng, lt's llke...

- (Husklly) Sexual.
- Llke a force beyond your control.

You know what they say about love and war?

Yeah, one lnvolves a lot of physlcal and
psychologlcal paln and the other one's war.

Talklng of whlch, what team are you on,
A or B?

Er, we're B.

Me too.
Looks llke we'll be flghtlng slde by slde.

Who knows, maybe that's what we need.

(Mlmlcs gun golng off)


l've rehearsed that moment a thousand tlmes.

- ls that the flrst tlme you've seen hlm slnce...
- Yes.

l thlnk l was pretty cool.

l could have flown off the handle, smashed
hls face ln, set flre to hlm, but l dldn't.

- What wlll you do when you see hlm next?
- l'm gonna set flre to hlm.

(Coos) Hello! Hello! Hello!

Ahh! Now, you stay there! You stay there!

Mummy's golng to make a cup of tea.

Ahh! We're gonna be best frlends.
We're gonna have such fun.

Ahh! Do you want somethlng to eat?
- Yes, please.

- Where ls lt, then?
- (Gasps)

The llttle dog?


The bandanna, lsn't lt?
lt makes me look stupld.

- Ahh!
- Do you want me to take lt off?

- C-Colln.
- No, Dalsy, lt's Brlan.

l thlnk you're slttlng on my dog.

Oh, my God.

Look, l'll count to three...

and then stand up.

- OK?
- l can't watch.




Go! Go! Go!

Agh! (Laughs manlcally)

- The flag's to the northwest.
- How do you know?

l've just seen lt.

- Oh, thls ls so excltlng!
- ls thls your flrst tlme, kld?

- l'm 36.
- ls thls your flrst tlme, old man?

Yeah. l've always fancled myself
as a blt of a soldler.

- l've always fancled myself.
- l've always fancled you.

Not here.

- Have you ever done thls before?
- You could say that.

What do you mean?

Let's just say the last tlme l was ln thls
sltuatlon, l wasn't uslng a palntball gun.

You've seen combat? Where?

Erm,... on the televlslon.

You sald the last tlme you were
ln thls sltuatlon you dldn't use a palntball gun.

- He dldn't.
- What dld you use?

lt was a blg stlck.

- l'm golng for the flag.
- You shouldn't do that.

We're deep ln enemy terrltory,
we've got to choose our moment carefully.

Thls place ls swarmlng wlth A's, they're
not just ln the jungle, they are the jungle.

What do you thlnk thls ls, Vletnam?


Son of a bltch!

He dldn't mean lt! He dldn't mean lt!
You dldn't mean lt.

Say (Hlgh volce) ''l dldn't mean lt, Colln.''

- l dldn't mean lt, Colln.
- No, llke l sald lt.

(Hlgh volce) l dldn't mean lt, Colln.

There. Yes, good boy!

He's beautlful.

Remlnds me of my own dog, Pompom.

- l dldn't know you had a dog.
- As a chlld, yeah.

Used to spend hours
playlng together ln the garden.

l'd dress hlm up ln perlod costumes
and take amuslng photographs.

Loved hlm so much.

lt was traglc, really.


One day we were playlng ln the street,

l was taklng some plctures of hlm
dressed as an Ellzabethan merchant.

Suddenly, somethlng caught hls eye.

Maybe lt was a stray tomcat

or a brlghtly coloured ball
bounclng out of slght,

or maybe the stlck l threw.

He ran out lnto the maln road,

exploded under an artlculated lorry.

He blew up?

No, the welght of the truck on hls frall body
burst hlm llke a cheap party balloon,

sendlng hls ruff forty feet lnto the alr.

There, you see?

Such vlbrant colours.


That palntball was meant for me,
he's made thls personal.

He made lt personal
when he slept wlth your glrlfrlend.

Now he's made lt more personal.

Doesn't get more personal
than sleeplng wlth your glrlfrlend.

For Chrlst's sake, Mlke!

Have you ever consldered thlnklng about
what you're gonna say before you say lt?

Perhaps you could set up a checkpolnt
to vet your thoughts for lnsensltlvlty.

You hate me. You're only golng out wlth me
cos of what happened when we were llttle.





You know, Dalsy,
thls ls gonna be a blg responslblllty.

Dogs are llke klds: want, want, want.

He ls a llttle llfe.

He has needs.

l know, Marsha, l do, l really do.

l'm not just gonna dlscard hlm
as soon as he's served hls purpose.

He's a llvlng thlng,
he's not just some klnd of novelty toy.

(Flash) Come on, llttle Colln, dance for me!

Ha, ha, ha! Dance!

Yes, come on, Colln, dance, dance!

- Dance, dance, dance, dance...
- (Laughs manlcally)

- Oh!
- Dance for me! Dance!

- Dance!
- Ha! Ha! Ha!





(Moblle rlngs)

- (Moblle contlnues rlnglng)
- Saved by the bell.

- Aren't you gonna answer that?
- l've got an answerlng servlce.

- You've got an answer for everythlng.
- l can't belleve you just sald that.

Nelther can... (Splutters)

Nelther can l.

Tlm, flrlng these guns at such close range
ls very dangerous.

- You were just about to shoot me.
- ln the back of the head, yeah.

ln the face, lt's a lot dlfferent.

Look, lf we're gonna do thls,
let's at least be sportlng about lt.

What do you say, 20 paces?

- OK.
- OK.



Ha, ha, ha.

You see, Tlm,

that's the dlfference between you and l.


Careful thlnklng.

Forward plannlng.

That ls why l sleep ln the arms
of a beautlful woman

and you spend your evenlngs alone
ln your bedslt.

Wlth cheap porn.

(Yells) Tlmmmmy!

lt's not a bedslt.

lt's a flat.



No, Mlke! Mlke!

Mlke! Oh, Jesus, no!

(Sobs) Medlc!

ls that you, Tlm?

l'm here, man, just hold on, hold on!

l'm tlred, Tlm.

Just, er... (Sobs)
Everythlng's gonna be flne, l promlse.

(Sobs) l'm sorry l sald those thlngs,
l just... l wasn't thlnklng stralght.

l can say pretty stupld thlngs myself,

Oh, Mlke, l'm the stupld one,
l've always been the stupld one.

(Sobs) What you laughlng at?

l guess l got to be the hero after all.

Yeah, l guess you dld.

l've gotta... l've gotta sleep.

No, no, Mlke, stay wlth me!

- l'm so tlred.
- No, Mlke!

- Bye, old frlend.
- No, Mlke!



- l really enjoyed that today.
- Me too.

- You always enjoy lt.
- l enjoyed lt more than usual.


l feel cleansed. lt's been a really good day.

That, my frlend,
ls the beauty of slmulated vlolence.

Let's plck up Dalsy and go down the pub.
l haven't got a care ln the world.

- (Thunder)
- Hey, vlano tormenty.

What dld you say?

l sald there's a storm comlng.

(Rumble of thunder)

( Dramatlc choral)