Spaced (1999–2001): Season 1, Episode 1 - Beginnings - full transcript

Daisy Steiner is looking to move out of a London squat; Tim Bisley's girlfriend dumps him and kicks him out. The two meet by chance in a coffee shop and hatch a plan to pose as a couple to rent a great apartment from a landlord who is looking to rent to a professional couple only. In this episode, Daisy and Tim meet, pull off their ruse, and meet their odd neighbors as they get settled in to their new home.

Why? I don't understand.
Is it something I've done?

Look, it's just not gonna work, OK?

Five years, you know? Five years!

I... I was drunk.

Oh, we had fun! You know?
We had good times.

To be honest, I don't...
remember much about it.

I don't und... Just... Eugh!

Give me a reason! You know?

You think I'm unemotional, don't you?
I can be emotional.

Jesus, I cried like a child
at the end of Terminator 2.

With the thumb and the molten...
You know?

Is there someone else?

- Sort of.
- Don't... What!

My boyfriend.

- That bastard! I bloody knew it!
- I'm sorry, I really am.

It was just a bit of fun, you know?

It just doesn't feel right. OK?

- Fine.
- All right?


Look, there's a bit of change.

Sarah, please! Don't do this!

You can leave your stuff here
until you find somewhere else.

- I love you!
- (Window slams)

(? Fatboy Slim: The Weekend Starts Here)

Excuse me. Excuse me!
Mind if I sit here?

- Er, no, no.
- OK. Thanks.

What you looking for?

What have you got?


What have you got?

- No, I mean what are you looking for?
- (Laughs)

I thought you were a drug dealer.

- Oh, thanks.
- That's all right.

- No, I'm flat hunting.
- Oh, right.

Yeah. Oh!

I was staying with these mates,
well, people I'd met in a squat,

I didn't meet them in a squat, I moved
into a squat with them, which was fine...

Are you interested? Anyway,

there was this guy,
and I didn't really know, well...

I suppose... no.
Really what happened was...

- No, rather than confront, I thought...
- Skip to the end.

So, I'm moving out.

I see.

I hate flat-hunting. Yeah.
I do not envy you at all.

- Could I borrow that after you?
- Yeah.

- Do you mind if I sit here?
- Oh, no.

- Any luck?
- No. It's early days yet, so...

(? Marni Nixon: Getting to know you)

? Getting to know you

? Getting to know all about you

? Getting to like you

? Getting to hope you'll like me

- (Sighs) Hi.
- Hi.

- How's it going?
- Oh, same as always.

- That bad, huh?
- (Sighs)

(? Getting to know you)

(Sobs) I can't do this any more!

Now... whoa, there, Pickle.

Every morning I wake up and it's the same.

(Sobs) I buy the paper
and I circle them all and I phone them,

only to discover they've been taken by
a bunch of fucking psychic house-hunters!

- You've only looked at a few.
- They've all been cold, infested rat holes.

I'm in the same boat,
you don't see me cry... (Sobs)

(Both sob alternately)

Hang on... I didn't see that one.

"Spacious two-bedroom apartment,
fully furnished, ?90 a week."

- Oh, "professional couple only".
- (Sobs loudly)

Why?! Why?! Why?!

- You could always pretend.
- What do you mean?

Well, have you got
any homeless male friends?

(Clears throat)

I do have one homeless male friend.

(Laughs nervously)


OK. You were born in Highgate to John
and Gillian Bisley on 17th September, 1974.


Your little sister Katie once used all your
Batman comics to decorate a cardboard car.

Unable to salvage the comics,
you drove the car into a pond,

hit your head on the fountain,
which is where you got your scar.

You've got a best friend called Mike
who's a weapons expert.

- (Cat meows)
- Yes!

Er... yeah.

You have a potentially fatal allergy
to brazil nuts.

I have no memory of Christmas 1979.

I've got no memory of Christmas 1994 either.

- Oh, why not?
- I don't know.

You're an aspiring graphic artist
and you hope one day to work for...?

- Dark Star Comics.
- Dark Star Comics.

Work to date includes a sleeve design
for your sister's boyfriend's brother's band.

You supplement the 50 quid you got from that
by working in a comic shop, Fantasy Bazaar.

I'm the assistant manager.

- How many people work for you?
- It's just me and Bilbo.

- Who's Bilbo?
- The manager.

- You're not a sci-fi nerd?
- No!

You spend evenings on the Internet
discussing symbolism in the X-Files?

Modern science fiction can be interesting.

The speculations of contemporary authors
have probably never been closer to the truth.

(Aliens giggle)

Right. Your preferred mode of transport
is skateboarding.

You like music and regularly masturbate
over pictures of Gillian Anderson.

- Who told you that?
- It was a joke!

FHM voted her sexiest woman in the world.

- What about you?
- I wasn't placed.

You recently split up with your girlfriend
who got off with your friend Duane.

He is not my friend!

Well, we don't need to talk about that.
We can if you want, it obviously hit you hard.


You prefer a tight-legged cotton pant
as opposed to the boxer.

- Is all this necessary?
- What if we're asked personal questions?

We're supposed to be a couple. Do me.

OK. You were born in Richmond in 1975
to Ben and Emily Steiner.

You have a brother and a sister,
older and younger respectively.

- You graduated from Kingston Poly...
- University.

Whatever, in 1996 with a degree
in humanities for which you got a third.

Which is fine, what I expected.

Michelle from EastEnders got a third.

Anyway it's not the grade that matters,
it's being there that counts.

- Your boyfriend Richard is studying in Hell.
- Hull.

We won't mention him. You want to be a
journalist but you haven't quite tried that yet.

Your best friend's called Twist
and she works in fashion.

Er... yeah.

You've got no skin-care routine to speak of.

You're scared of mice and spiders

but fear they will crossbreed
to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders

who will immobilise humans
in giant webs in order to steal cheese.

- I never said that.
- It'd be good, though.

That's it.

- By the way, my name's Daisy.
- I'm Tim, hi.

Hey! What's that for?

We could do that thing like in that film with
Andie MacDowell and G?rard Depardieu -

where they get married
so he can get an American work permit.

A green card?

- Yeah. What's it called?
- I don't know.

That should do it.

(Whispers) Five eight three - this is it.
Five eight three, five eight three.

- Five eight three, five eight three...
- Five eight three, five eight three...


- I forgot what you had for your fifth birthday.
- Er, miniature drum kit.

- (Sighs)
- Hey! Hey!

- I don't want to seem too pushy.
- All right.

- (Buzzer)
- Come on!

Hello. I'm Marsha.

- Hi. Er, we're a...
- A couple. (Laughs)

Oh, yeah, it's really nice.

Yeah, it's a great flat.

Tim got a miniature drum kit
for his fifth birthday.

- You what?
- What's through there?

This is the guest bedroom,
which you can use for storage or utilities,

or if the pair of you
want to bring another life into the world.

(Both laugh)

- Yes, perfect for a child.
- Very, er...

- Homy.
- Homy, yeah, homy. It's very homy.

What's this?

(Both scream)

(Both) We've finished cleaning the cupboard,
Mrs Klein.

- Ah. Did it take you long?
- Yes, it took forever.

(Both) And ever. And ever.

It's bob-a-job week.

So, what do you both do for a living?

- Journalist.
- Graphic artist.

Ooh, lovely. You working?

- What?
- Working, earning money, cash?

- Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Yes, we are.

- We're very...
- Busy.

- (Snores)
- For all your comic needs... Fantasy Bazaar.

- Oh, yeah, we're very, very busy.
- Yeah. Phew!

- We're so busy! We don't stop.
- I don't sleep. Ever.

That's an exaggeration but we are very busy.

We don't know what to do with it.

So, how long you been together?

(Both) Five years, eight months, three days.


you can move in when you're ready.

- Really?
- Yep.

Don't you wanna... see our photos?

Yeah... (Laughs nervously)

Come 'ere, you!

Right. That's it, guys, I'm off.

I'm outta here!

I'll probably give you a call
about bills and stuff.

Ooh! We haven't got a phone, so...

Well, that's it, I'm off, I'm going. Bye.

Bye! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye!


It's yours.



Do you have a phone number
in case I need to contact you about bills?

L-I'm not sure, Daisy's sorting that out.

- Daisy?
- Yeah.

- Who's Daisy?
- The girl I'm moving in with.

What do you mean? When did you meet her?

- About two weeks ago.
- And you're about to move in with her?

Yeah. You've got no right to be upset.

You're the one that ended this,
you're the one seeing someone else.

I've got to get on with my life.
I'm sorry if that upsets you, it's the way it is.

You can't dangle the bogus carrot
of possible reconciliation in front of me

whilst riding some other donkey. You know?

I'm moving on, Sarah.
If you don't like that, that's too bad.

- Do you love her?
- What?

Do you love her?

No, of course I don't love her, I love you!
Nobody could ever love you as much as I do.


(Dutch accent) Hey! Crazy-Iooking naked
girl with no nipples, what are you doin' here?!

Cover yourself up, love.
Come on, cover yourself up.

- (Banging)
- Tim?




Argh! Oh!

- What are you doing?
- Hi, Tim... Oh!

I was just cleaning and, erm...

Did you see the... Cos I changed the table...
Anyway... You don't like it, do you?

I heard a noise and I thought it was you
cos I was talking to myself...

BT called and we've been connected.
So, do you want a tea?

You know, I like this room, it's lovely.
I like the... I like what you've done.

Do you want a cup of tea?

- What noise?
- I heard a noise, I thought I'd have a look.

- Yeah, so... Did I tell you about BT?
- Yeah, we've been connected.

- Just investigating.
- Playing Scooby Doo?

Yeah. I was always Daphne when I was little.
Who were you?

Freddy, obviously.

Freddy. Yeah. Now look at us.

(? Ghostly chords)

This guy's called the Bear, he's like a mutant.

He's essentially a nice guy but he's driven
to violence by the society he inhabits.

- Right. Who's that, then?
- That's Doktor Mandrake.

- Doctor Mandrake.
- Dok-tor Mandrake, it's got a K in it.

He's a mad scientist. He invented this steroid
called oxypheromalkahyde.

He tested it on this orphan kid
but it didn't work, did it?

So he chucked out his research,
chucked the kid out onto the street,

but when the kid reached puberty,

the dormant oxypheromalkahyde interrupted
DNA coding and he mutated into the Bear.

Doktor Mandrake has dedicated his life
to capturing the Bear

to rediscover
the effects of oxypheromalkahyde.

So, why didn't the doctor
just make the oxypoxydrin again?

Well... because he'd invented it by accident,
didn't he?

These mutants are mistakes he's made
as he's tried to recreate the serum.

- Like, see, that guy's got a really big head.
- Oh.

- So, do you like my comic?
- Yeah. Yeah.

That reminds me,
I was talking to Marsha about the rubbish.

There's a door that opens onto the back yard,
so we have to take it to the basement.

I'll take those bin bags out, then, shall I?

- Do you want another cup of tea?
- No, thanks. Twelve's my limit.

(Door creaks)




- Daisy, this is Brian.
- Oh, hi! Do you rent downstairs?

- Do you mean am I gay?
- What?

Do you mean am I gay?

No, no, I meant
are you renting the downstairs flat?

Oh, right. Yep, sort of.

- Are you gay?
- What?

- Are you gay?
- No.

All right.

Would you like a glass of wine or something?

Yeah, I can't stay long.

And he invited me back to stay with his family
in Istanbul and I didn't like to say no.

But his sisters kept me in the house all day.

They made me eat green eggs
and watch Turkish television.

So I had to escape through the window
in the small toilet.

Hopefully, I'll get some publishers interested.

- What do you do, Brian?
- An artist.

I'm an artist.

- Oh! What kind of thing do you do?
- Anger.

- (? Hardcore punk)
- Aarrgghh!


- (? Screechy violins)
- Ow!


- (? Eerie chimes)
- (Chatters) Ohh.



- Watercolours or...?
- It's a bit more complex than that.

- Tim does cartoons.
- It's a little bit more complex than that.

Processing concept into substance and
trying to create a string of independent forms.

Like sausages?

I see contemporary art as a dirty plate
heaped with worthless junk food

and I want something more nourishing.

Like sausages?

(Door slams)

(Voices above)

(Footsteps on stairs)

- What's that?
- (Door slams and car starts)

- That's... Amber, Marsha's daughter.
- (Knock on door)


Don't ask her
if she wants to talk about it.

It was the fucking dog.

It was like the dog
was some kind of replacement.

He used to let her sleep in the bed,
actually in the bed.

Sometimes I used to wonder.

Anyway, eventually I had to say
"It is the dog or me."

- (Tim snores)
- And he chose the dog.


- (Phone rings)
- Ahh! Sarah!

- Sarah?
- Sarah! I'm here.

I'm here, it's OK. His pet name for me.

Hm. Where does that come from?

My ex-girlfriend.


- It's me, Richard.
- Oh, hello.

I got your phone number from your mum.
How's it going?

Oh, it's fine, you know, good, thanks.

- What's the flat like?
- Erm, very nice.

Cool. Listen, I've been thinking, wondering
about that Tim guy you've moved in with.


(Whispers) Look, I can't really talk now.
There's some people here. OK?

Oh, OK.

- (American accent) I love you, Daisy Duke!
- I love you, too, Boss Hogg.

- I can't hear you!
- I love you, too, Boss Hogg.

- Bye.
- 'Bye.'

(Daisy sighs)

That was, er... Boss Hogg.

- How long have you been together?
- (Both) Five years, eight months, three days.

That's what you said two days ago.


It's at times like this I wish I was telepathic.
Don't you, Tim?

Oh, damn!

- Daisy and me have two anniversaries.
- OK.

Daisy takes it from when we kissed,

I take it from
the first time we were physically intimate.

- Oh, that's sweet!
- (Laugh nervously)

Whose is it today?

- It's Daisy's.
- Mine.

So you had sex before you kissed?


- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Happy anniversary.

Well, good night.

Are you gonna keep the table here? Cos
I always think it works better by the window.

It's up to you though, innit? It's your flat now.


- Night, Brian.
- Night.

- Are you and Mar...
- Sh!

(Footsteps on stairs)

Night. Thanks, see you later.

That was close.

You're telling me.

Well... didn't get much unpacking done,
did we?


- Ooh! Well...
- Well! (Laughs nervously)

- Well, well, well.
- Well, well, well, well, well.

- Good night.
- Oh, OK. Night.

- Off to beddy-byes.
- Yeah. (Laughs)

- Well done to that.
- (Yawns loudly)

- I'm knackered.
- Me too.

- So, good night.
- Good night.

(Both laugh nervously)

- OK. Night.
- OK, well... You... Good night.