Space Force (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
[rumbling]
[rocket engine whooshing]
[loud rock drumming]
[cell phone vibrating]
[K-pop ringtone playing]
[Mark] We would like
to thank you for coming here
all the way from Washington D.C.
to meet with us.
And if there's anything we can get for you
before we begin, some coffee or a...
General Naird, with a new administration
comes a new budget,
and your budget
has been drastically slashed.
So no coffee or...
Cruller?
No. All right.
We understand that
we are entering a period of austerity.
How slashed are we talking about?
Almost half.
Unacceptable.
- Oh, God.
- Science can't be nickeled and dimed.
All right. You know what? We can
tighten our belts a little bit. Sure.
When I was behind enemy lines,
I learned how to make a daily ration
last for three weeks.
The secret is that
you have to swallow a lot of air.
Trick your stomach
into thinking that it's full.
It is not good physically.
It inflates your... your intestine
like a balloon, and that...
I'll need your red-line reductions
by midday.
Okay. Midday.
And if you can't do it,
it'll be done for you.
Some manners would be nice.
Excuse me?
What?
Thank you very much, Miss, uh...
- [door slams]
- Hmm.
Wow, what a pill.
They better not cancel my Mars mission.
Dr. Chan and I
personally birthed that project.
I'm... It's not gonna... It's fine.
Not to mention there is
an astronaut up there halfway to Mars.
What do I tell him?
"Hey, Captain Lancaster,
you know the bone mass you lost
traveling through space alone
for nine months?"
"Well, it was all for nothing.
Enjoy your osteoporosis."
I know, I know, I know, Adrian.
We just need to be specific
and surgical about our cuts, that's all.
[door opens]
That woman just took
my prescription office chair.
Who gives a lab rat's ass
about your office chair, Brad?
Well, it was specifically designed
to support my testis.
You can use a regular office chair
for your testis, Brad.
You're not a Fabergé egg.
Look, we just have
to find ways to pinch pennies.
Okay. Well, here's a perfect example.
3D printers for on-site rover repair.
That can be cut.
Sure, let's cut those, because it's not
like we're doing rocket science here.
Right? Oh, wait, it is. Or it was.
I don't know if this helps or not,
but my aunt pees in the dark
to save on her light bill.
Doesn't help.
[scoffs]
You bought a stock?
Do you even know anything about stocks?
[girl on phone] Not a thing.
My boyfriend told me about it,
and I made almost two grand in one day.
And I didn't have to do anything.
Really?
That sounds a little too good to be true.
But then again,
being paid to do nothing
is actually my dream job.
My boyfriend says
you have to buy in now while it's cheap.
How much do I have to invest?
Just depends on how rich you wanna get.
Takes money to make money.
I could use my college fund.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Is it?
Okay. I think the data supports
a wide range of interpretations.
If we look back at quadrant one here,
when you see the...
Stocks. What do we think?
Like, they're good for you, right?
Uh, what?
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Am I interrupting something?
[Chan] Well...
Rocket stuff?
No. We're trying to figure out
if Angela's into me or not.
Yeah, you know what?
I definitely don't like these numbers.
Your ratio of text to response
is five to one.
Yeah, maybe it's the emojis you're using.
Well, see, I don't use emojis.
I use emoticons.
See how cute this one is?
Uh, well, no one uses emoticons anymore.
Really?
Mm-mm.
Why didn't anyone tell me?
All these brainiacs, and nobody told me
nobody uses emoticons anymore?
I look like an idiot out here.
- Wait. So you and Angela are like dating?
- That's what we're trying to figure out.
Let me walk everyone
through the timeline one more time. Okay?
So, Angela returns from the moon,
we kiss, and we spend the night
in the hotel room.
And, you know, we fool around,
things are going great, and then boom.
For some mysterious reason, she ghosts me.
Which hotel?
[both] Mm-hmm.
Courtyard by Marriott.
- I'm a Bonvoy Rewards member.
- [both] Mmm.
What? Does she think I'm cheap?
[both sigh]
I upgraded the room with points.
I got the Garden View.
I mean, it's a junior executive suite.
I couldn't get
the Executive executive suite.
That's just too much money.
I can't afford that.
And then we got
the continental breakfast...
D-D-Dude. You're spinning like OJ 287.
[all chuckle]
Jeez. It's a quasar. It's the fastest
rotating object in the universe.
That's so cool.
Yeah. Oh.
- Yep. [sighs]
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
You're overthinking it.
Focus up. Focus up, please.
Eyes over here.
What I have in my hands right now,
press schedule, all right?
Now, as you know, Space Force
is very much under the microscope.
The press has
a love-hate relationship with us.
"What does that mean, Tony?"
Let me explain it to you.
They love to hate us,
and they hate to love us.
So we all have to be
on the same exact page
about how we're gonna answer questions
about what happened on the moon.
Right. Like, "Hey, Space Force,
did y'all almost start
a moon war with China?"
Exactly. But... But did we though?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Or... was there
"a brief communication breakdown,
but with diplomacy and cooperation,
both nations worked together
to return home to Earth"?
Womp-womp!
That, my friend in the biz,
is what we call a spin. [chortles]
So do we tell the press
what happened to my bird?
Absolutely not.
That bird is the bird from the moon.
Eddie never killed or ate
any living thing.
I don't regret it. I'd do it again.
What's going on
with that bird after the show?
You're not gonna eat that bird
because that bird is Pella's precious pet.
I have no connection to this bird.
Our relationship is a lie.
You got 30 minutes to make it true.
Is that enough time?
No.
Okay. Remember our mantra, everybody.
Whatever happened on the moon...
stays on the moon.
Wow! Whatever happens on the moon...
[all] ...stays on the moon.
Great. This is what's gonna happen now.
We're gonna go through some
practice questions. I'll play the press.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
One person. Are you ready?
- [flatly] Yes, let's do it.
- I'm so ready.
You, sir, in the back.
Oh, me? Thank you for calling on me.
Ron Stimply, National Geographic.
Quick quest for all you
guardians out there.
Uh, do you know any fun facts
about the moon?
Uh, yes. Hello. I do, uh, Ron Stimply.
Yes, that's me. I'm Ron Stimply.
The moon always
shows the Earth the same face.
Oh my! Very fun.
I love how into it you are.
Now is the time where I will ask
other people that same question. You, sir.
Well, it's flat, Ron.
No, of course it's not. It is round.
So is a pizza.
But it is also flat.
Just trust me. I've eaten one.
I'm glad someone finally said
what we're all thinking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, there's been
a change of plans. Listen up.
Only Angela and the bird
are going to be meeting the press.
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No!
- Don't know that I can be alone.
- Gotta push my cameo.
General Naird believes,
and I believe as well,
Angela Ali,
that is the future of Space Force.
She is the next "shero"
in our great American "herstory."
I don't think this is such a good idea.
Remember, I was the one who said,
"It's good to be Black on the moon."
- Remember that?
- Yeah.
And America ate it up
like a meth-sprinkled,
deep-fried Snickers bar
you get at a state fair.
Angela, you're a queen.
You're America's queen.
Wear your crown.
I spent $600 on a makeover.
And you look beautiful.
Move that right out.
[soft marching tune plays]
Please put that printer in my car.
- What else are they taking next?
- [sighs]
This is bullshit.
Ah, NASA. You say NASA?
Ah, of course, NASA.
Nerds of Average Science Ability.
[man] Yeah, well, Adrian,
a little birdie told me
that your budget has been cut in half.
Fuck you.
[man] Fuck you.
Fuck you!
- Fuck y...
- [hangs up]
Anyway...
Well, this room is a big energy suck.
Well, what do you expect? I had to let go
a third of my science team this morning.
Good news. Anybody hungry?
Because I sprung for lunch.
Hope you brought your "McAppetites."
What about lunches
from the executive dining room?
The executive dining room's gone,
so we're gonna brown-bag it.
But I ordered blackened Cajun salmon
with cranberry vinaigrette.
Look, everybody, I know that it's tough.
I know that you are all sacrificing, but...
let me tell you a little story.
- My parents were having a tough year.
- [rattling]
And I knew there were going to be
no presents under the tree that Christmas.
So, Christmas morning, what did my dad do?
My dad got down,
and he crawled under the tree.
[sad violin music playing]
And then my mom crawled under the tree.
And then I crawled under the tree.
And the three of us lay there,
under the tree,
presents to one another.
Looking up at all those dead branches.
And it was depressing. And awful.
But still, within that,
there was a beauty.
And that is the kind of spirit
I am looking for here at Space Force.
Two points.
Uh, it's March,
and that story's very alarming.
Even when my parents were broke,
they still put something under the tree.
One year, we couldn't afford
a karaoke machine,
and they still bought me
a four-dollar plastic mic from CVS.
- Nice.
- You got McNuggets, you spoiled brat.
Stand down, Brad.
I would like to hear
a "Space Force spirit" on three.
One, two, three.
[Brad and Mark] Space Force spirit!
Ah.
Jesus.
We deactivated satellites,
cut non-essential personnel.
Uh, the executive chef,
dining room, it's all gone.
It wasn't easy,
but I think we made our target.
- You're not even close.
- Wha...
You calculated for a calendar year,
not the fiscal year.
You still need to cut
three months of expenses.
There's one item you could slash.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
The Mars mission, that...
that is a no-fly zone.
[chuckles] It's a very, very
important project for Dr. Mallory.
If that were cut, it would crush him.
Then I suggest
you tell him sooner rather than later.
You are so mean.
Ah!
That's my daughter.
[mumbling]
- [Mallory whispers] Oh, oops.
- [Mark exhales]
B-7.
[machine rattling]
Stupid machine.
I mean, you're programmed to do one thing,
so what remains clouded in mystery?
Is it the "B"? Is it the sev... Hey.
You okay?
Fantastic.
It's just a snack, Adrian.
No, I just received
an unwelcome bit of news.
You did?
Yeah, Jerome called.
He had to put the cat down.
Oh!
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't... I didn't realize you had a cat.
It's Jerome's cat, really.
Oh.
Anyway, you wanted to talk to me?
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you
about the Mars...
What?
...bar. The Mars bar.
Does this machine have a Mars bar?
There it is.
Boy, do I love those.
This point, I'd take any snack
out of this fucking machine.
Tell me about it. All right.
Well... anyhoo, good luck with the cat.
Oh shit.
- [mic feedback]
- Welcome! Hello, everybody. Take a seat.
What... What is happening? [chuckles]
You know, I've seen a lot of press,
but this has to be by far
the most attractive and intelligent press
I've seen in my entire life.
Where did they get you from?
Are you models? You all fake press?
Look at this. Model, model, model, model.
This is insane.
Ladies and gentlemen,
without any further ado,
- a hero, a legend...
- [inspirational music playing]
...the guardian of Space Force,
give it up for Captain Angela Ali.
Let's go!
[applause]
[Angela] Fuck.
Hey. Back in the room.
Here we go. Thank you.
- [Tony] How you doing, Captain?
- Great.
[Tony] Very good. Let's start it off.
Raising hands.
Looking for a first question.
How about you, sir,
with the razor-sharp cheekbones
in the front row.
Lemme hear a question.
I know you got a good one.
Where are the other astronauts?
The other astronauts all had
previous personal or dental appointments.
You don't worry about that.
Do you have a question for this hero?
I do. Two military superpowers
were on the moon together.
- [bird whistles]
- Was there any tension
coordinating a safe return
for both nations' astronauts?
Yeah. Um...
There... There was a brief
communication breakdown,
but through diplomacy and cooperation,
we were able to work together
to return safely home to erp.
"Erp"?
What? Nah, I said "Earth."
I heard "Earth." You said "Earth." Right?
She said Earth, everybody.
Unbelievable. Diplomacy and cooperation.
I love that answer.
- Great question. Great answer.
- [bird whistles]
Can't believe I get to watch this.
What about a second question?
[Angela] We have to stay calm or...
You're sucking up our air!
That's American air!
Typical American.
Think they own everything.
You're in our ship!
You're eating our food!
It's our food too!
We're Americans.
We're used to very large portions.
Guys, there's plenty of air.
Air's not going anywhere.
- There's plenty of food too. We're fine!
- And poultry.
[Angela] It's fine. We just have
to stay calm, or else we're going to die.
[woman] Captain Ali.
Captain Ali?
Sorry. What? Did...
Uh, what was the question?
Hey, can we all
stop whispering our questions?
Listen, I know she's a hero,
but it doesn't mean she has super hearing
like Daredevil or Spider-Man, okay?
So, speak up and use our real voices.
Here we go. One more time. In the middle.
Captain Ali, who or what
did you miss most
when you were on the moon?
Shh, shh. Quiet. Here it comes.
Who or what
did I miss the most on the moon?
Um...
Chile picante Corn Nuts.
- Ooh.
- [low chuckles]
That hurts.
Unless your nickname is Corn Nuts.
[giggles]
Shut up, Xyler.
I didn't say anything.
Hey, you should buy her
some of those chile picante Corn Nuts.
You think so?
You don't think that's too pushy?
No. No. I think it shows that you listen.
It's a nice gesture, and it's romantic.
In a mildly spicy way.
That's a great idea.
Corn Nuts? Know how much money
we could be making?
We do not drop names
until Kraft drops checks.
That's our motto.
What is going on with you?
Sorry. The bird kinda threw me off.
Broke my concentration.
Don't blame the bird.
The bird is trending right now.
"Moon bird" is the number one thing,
and nobody has figured out
that it's a totally different bird.
I love that bird.
So let's think about the next interview.
No, I cannot do the next interview.
Or any interview.
Look, I'm gonna be real with you.
I feel like I'm having a hard time.
Okay? Since I got back.
I'm not able to do even small things.
I don't do laundry.
I just... I just buy new clothes,
then I wear 'em until they get dirty,
and I throw 'em out a window.
- That's normal.
- No, it is not.
It is normal. Absolutely.
I don't know anybody
who doesn't love buying new clothes,
and who likes doing laundry?
I think I just need a vacation
from talking about the moon.
It's... It's everywhere I go.
"Hey, oh, there's Moon Girl.
Sign my husband's back."
- I need to stop talking about the moon.
- Okay. All right.
Maybe this can be of some help.
Oh, thank God.
- No, no. Of course not.
- What?
- Immediately you put it in your mouth?
- I don't know.
That is an anchorman's earpiece.
You put that in your ear.
I'm gonna be off to the side
feeding you lines.
You just say what I say.
You could shut off your brain for a sec.
You really think this is gonna work?
I know it'll work.
Baby, I know it'll work.
- [cell phone vibrating]
- [sighs]
Albertson, now is not a good time.
I am not in the mood
for your NASA bullshit.
I wouldn't hang up on me
if I were you, Adrian.
I have some info
you might be interested in.
Mallory yawns.
The little birdie that told me
about your budget cuts,
he or she has a friend in the Pentagon,
and they're looking at replacements
for, guess who, General Naird.
Hey, do you have
any real evidence of this?
Or it's just
your "little birdie" bullshit?
Is a copy of the official list
of candidates enough evidence for you?
Shit. This day just keeps getting worse.
Uh, I think I'll take that one, please.
Thank you.
- Buying a muffin?
- I am, yes.
Good choice. Is that cranberry?
Cranberry, yeah.
They were out of blueberry, so...
Darn. Well.
I love muffins.
Uh, Mark, I... I was wondering,
might I be able
to speak with you privately?
Sure. Yeah.
Actually, I need to talk to you too,
in private.
Okay.
Why don't we go outside? Go for a walk.
Yeah. Let's...
We should, yeah, outside, I think.
Out of the... the doors. Outside.
That sounds good.
Get outside. Get some fresh air.
- Sure.
- Away from people.
Away from people and breakable objects.
- Yeah. I can eat my muffin out there.
- Do you want a bag for that?
No. I'm good. I'm good.
- A napkin?
- No, I'll just go commando.
Ah. Okay.
- Nice to be outside.
- Yeah.
It is nice outside. Uh...
- [Mark sighs]
- Never knew we had so many guards.
So, Mark, um...
there's no way to sugarcoat this.
I have some very bad news to impart.
You have bad news for me?
Yes, you're gonna hate it. I hate it.
Adrian, I have... I have bad news for you.
Oh, believe me. Mine's worse.
I think mine's worse.
But how would we determine that
without first knowing both bits of news?
Well, that's true, but what's worse?
Getting the bad news first...
- First. Second.
- I think it's second.
- Well... It's...
- Or first.
You know what? Just rip the Band-Aid off.
Tell me my bad news.
The administration
is looking to replace you at Space Force.
What?
A colleague of mine,
rather a parasite
that attached itself to my gills at NASA,
found out, and he sent me the list
of possible replacements.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want to see the list of po...
But you said to rip the Band-Aid off.
Yes, I did, but I didn't say
rub salt in the wound
and then put a lit cigarette in it.
- No, but I told you my news was worse.
- Oh...
- No, no, mine is worse.
- I told you.
No, it can't... What is it?
The Mars mission is canceled.
- No!
- Yes.
- [gasps] No!
- I'm sorry.
- I tried to warn you... Yes.
- No! Say no!
- I'm not saying no because it's yes.
- Please! Say no.
- I can't.
- Fuck!
Fuck, I know. I know.
Fuck!
Fuck!
- [kicking continues]
- Okay.
Get it out.
[Mallory sighs]
[exhales]
- Better?
- Yeah. Fine.
- [sighs]
- You?
Fine. Fine.
Your muffin isn't.
Yeah.
They told me I had four months.
Yeah, I hate those cheap,
lying D.C. bean counters.
I know.
Well, I'm sorry about the Mars mission.
I know you would've saved it
if you could've.
Well, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- [Mallory sighs]
Oh Jesus.
You know who we have to tell
about the Mars mission?
[Mallory] Who?
[Mallory] Oh, boy.
[Mark] Yeah, "Oh, boy."
[Mark] All right. All right.
It has to be done.
Do you want me to do this?
It's okay. I'll do it.
It's my job. [clears throat]
Okay.
Oh, yay! A call!
[laughs] Guys, this is great. Hi! Hi!
- Hello, Captain Lancaster. How are you?
- Hello.
I'm... Fine. I'm fine.
You know, I miss... I miss Earth,
and, uh, my family,
and food,
and, uh, standing up in gravity,
and, you know...
Apparently, my heart
has shrunken a little bit.
But that's... I'm okay.
You know, nobody likes a whiner,
so tell me to shut up. [chuckles]
It'll all be worth it
when I finally set foot on Mars.
Thrill of a lifetime that I've...
that I've waited my whole existence for.
My name will be written in history.
Yes, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, but wait, wait. I...
Sorry. I have so many questions. Um...
How's my boy?
I haven't held him since he was born.
Doing well. Doing well.
He spoke his first words.
What were they?
"I...
love daddy."
[Mark] What the fuck are you doing?
That's wonderful. That's wonderful.
[clears throat emotionally]
- [grunts]
- Yeah.
Okay. Hey, how are my New York Jets doing?
- [whispers] You have to tell him.
- The Jets...
Uh...
- I... I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
General Naird has something to tell you.
Nah. All right. Yes.
- Go ahead.
- Okay. Yep.
Hello, Captain Lancaster.
This is General Naird.
And there's something
that I need to tell you.
Your Jets are going to the Super Bowl!
- [laughs] Oh my.
- They're probably gonna win.
A miracle. A miracle.
Yep.
[softly] Jesus Christ.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
What if it backfires?
[girl on phone] Prepare to get rich, girl.
Okay. Get ready.
Three, two, one.
I did it. [chuckles]
Captain Ali, you've been the subject
of so much attention
since returning from the moon.
Is it hard adjusting to the spotlight?
- Funny thing about a spotlight.
- [Angela repeating verbatim]
It illuminates the exteriors
when the real light of a person
- ...shines most from within.
- ...shines most from an inn.
Um, an inn?
Like a Days Inn?
- Within. Sorry. I made a mistake.
- Within. Sorry. I made a mistake.
- Within.
- [reporter] Ah. Within.
- [chuckles] Okay.
- Sorry.
The Chinese and American astronauts
both returned home in the same capsule.
Yes.
Was there ever a moment on the moon
when you thought,
"I might not be coming home."
- Definitely not.
- Definitely.
- Not!
- Not.
- Definitely not.
- Say, "Definitely not."
Def... I said, "Definitely not."
Is what I said.
Okay, um, shall we move on?
- [Angela] Yep.
- Okay.
Something so many of us want to know...
You have been called an American hero.
What does the word "hero" mean to you?
This is a great question.
- This is a great... Yeah, thank...
- Thanks for asking.
Heroes. Rosa Parks.
- No. I'm sorry. I can't do this.
- Serena Williams.
- I cannot handle the word "hero."
- No? What are you doing?
I'm done with it today, okay?
I'm done. I'm not a hero.
I'm an astronaut.
General Naird, he gave me
an opportunity to go to the moon.
And I did, and I came back safely.
We did that under his leadership.
We were just... We were just doing our jobs.
And... I don't know.
I am not a hero,
but you know who is a real hero?
And I'm serious about this.
The people who make
chile picante Corn Nuts.
- [chuckles]
- I know.
But they are.
Or whoever makes my awesome drum kit.
That's a hero.
Little kids
who do their homework every day.
People who do their laundry. I don't...
I don't do any of that, and I'm...
Those are the real heroes. Not me.
[inspirational music playing]
Well, you heard it here first.
We're all heroes.
And this coming from a real American hero.
And apparently, a drummer.
[laughing] Thank you so much.
You did an amazing job.
- Thanks. Sorry.
- "We're all heroes"?
- I know.
- No, it was amazing. Look at this.
"Drummer Moon Girl"
is trending right this second.
There's already a meme of you.
Look at that thing go.
[drumming]
[scoffs] Great.
Yeah! It's super great.
What a day, huh?
What a shit show.
We've all lost resources.
We lost the Mars mission.
Brad lost his testicle chair.
So we thought it might be a good idea
to gather everyone together
and wish you
a merry Christmas!
[both] Merry Christmas.
- [Chan] But it's March.
- [Mark] Come on in!
- [Brad] Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.
- Whoa.
- Merry Christmas.
- Nice.
[excited chatter]
I'm helping with this.
Karaoke machine!
- Wow!
- "Party Rocker Max."
- Cool.
- Thank you, General.
- [Mark] You're welcome.
- Wait, I can't find any dance music.
Check Dua Lipa.
No, but they got "Jingle Bells."
It's mostly public domain Christmas music.
What about the collected works
of Alvin and the Chipmunks?
"O Holy Night."
[Xyler] Mariah Carey.
[Mallory] Mariah Carey.
What do you think about this text?
I think I'm gonna send it
with a singing emoji.
Cute.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- [cell phone chimes, vibrates]
- [sighs]
[sighs heavily]
[clothes thudding against branches]
[shoes thumping below]
[loud drumming]
[all singing]
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year... ♪
Where's Angela?
I don't know. She just left.
Hey, be honest.
Do you think she's seeing another guy?
I don't know. Let's join in. Here we go.
♪ ...and a happy New Year ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
[shaky harmonizing]
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
[theme music playing]
[rocket engine whooshing]
[loud rock drumming]
[cell phone vibrating]
[K-pop ringtone playing]
[Mark] We would like
to thank you for coming here
all the way from Washington D.C.
to meet with us.
And if there's anything we can get for you
before we begin, some coffee or a...
General Naird, with a new administration
comes a new budget,
and your budget
has been drastically slashed.
So no coffee or...
Cruller?
No. All right.
We understand that
we are entering a period of austerity.
How slashed are we talking about?
Almost half.
Unacceptable.
- Oh, God.
- Science can't be nickeled and dimed.
All right. You know what? We can
tighten our belts a little bit. Sure.
When I was behind enemy lines,
I learned how to make a daily ration
last for three weeks.
The secret is that
you have to swallow a lot of air.
Trick your stomach
into thinking that it's full.
It is not good physically.
It inflates your... your intestine
like a balloon, and that...
I'll need your red-line reductions
by midday.
Okay. Midday.
And if you can't do it,
it'll be done for you.
Some manners would be nice.
Excuse me?
What?
Thank you very much, Miss, uh...
- [door slams]
- Hmm.
Wow, what a pill.
They better not cancel my Mars mission.
Dr. Chan and I
personally birthed that project.
I'm... It's not gonna... It's fine.
Not to mention there is
an astronaut up there halfway to Mars.
What do I tell him?
"Hey, Captain Lancaster,
you know the bone mass you lost
traveling through space alone
for nine months?"
"Well, it was all for nothing.
Enjoy your osteoporosis."
I know, I know, I know, Adrian.
We just need to be specific
and surgical about our cuts, that's all.
[door opens]
That woman just took
my prescription office chair.
Who gives a lab rat's ass
about your office chair, Brad?
Well, it was specifically designed
to support my testis.
You can use a regular office chair
for your testis, Brad.
You're not a Fabergé egg.
Look, we just have
to find ways to pinch pennies.
Okay. Well, here's a perfect example.
3D printers for on-site rover repair.
That can be cut.
Sure, let's cut those, because it's not
like we're doing rocket science here.
Right? Oh, wait, it is. Or it was.
I don't know if this helps or not,
but my aunt pees in the dark
to save on her light bill.
Doesn't help.
[scoffs]
You bought a stock?
Do you even know anything about stocks?
[girl on phone] Not a thing.
My boyfriend told me about it,
and I made almost two grand in one day.
And I didn't have to do anything.
Really?
That sounds a little too good to be true.
But then again,
being paid to do nothing
is actually my dream job.
My boyfriend says
you have to buy in now while it's cheap.
How much do I have to invest?
Just depends on how rich you wanna get.
Takes money to make money.
I could use my college fund.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Is it?
Okay. I think the data supports
a wide range of interpretations.
If we look back at quadrant one here,
when you see the...
Stocks. What do we think?
Like, they're good for you, right?
Uh, what?
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Am I interrupting something?
[Chan] Well...
Rocket stuff?
No. We're trying to figure out
if Angela's into me or not.
Yeah, you know what?
I definitely don't like these numbers.
Your ratio of text to response
is five to one.
Yeah, maybe it's the emojis you're using.
Well, see, I don't use emojis.
I use emoticons.
See how cute this one is?
Uh, well, no one uses emoticons anymore.
Really?
Mm-mm.
Why didn't anyone tell me?
All these brainiacs, and nobody told me
nobody uses emoticons anymore?
I look like an idiot out here.
- Wait. So you and Angela are like dating?
- That's what we're trying to figure out.
Let me walk everyone
through the timeline one more time. Okay?
So, Angela returns from the moon,
we kiss, and we spend the night
in the hotel room.
And, you know, we fool around,
things are going great, and then boom.
For some mysterious reason, she ghosts me.
Which hotel?
[both] Mm-hmm.
Courtyard by Marriott.
- I'm a Bonvoy Rewards member.
- [both] Mmm.
What? Does she think I'm cheap?
[both sigh]
I upgraded the room with points.
I got the Garden View.
I mean, it's a junior executive suite.
I couldn't get
the Executive executive suite.
That's just too much money.
I can't afford that.
And then we got
the continental breakfast...
D-D-Dude. You're spinning like OJ 287.
[all chuckle]
Jeez. It's a quasar. It's the fastest
rotating object in the universe.
That's so cool.
Yeah. Oh.
- Yep. [sighs]
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
You're overthinking it.
Focus up. Focus up, please.
Eyes over here.
What I have in my hands right now,
press schedule, all right?
Now, as you know, Space Force
is very much under the microscope.
The press has
a love-hate relationship with us.
"What does that mean, Tony?"
Let me explain it to you.
They love to hate us,
and they hate to love us.
So we all have to be
on the same exact page
about how we're gonna answer questions
about what happened on the moon.
Right. Like, "Hey, Space Force,
did y'all almost start
a moon war with China?"
Exactly. But... But did we though?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Or... was there
"a brief communication breakdown,
but with diplomacy and cooperation,
both nations worked together
to return home to Earth"?
Womp-womp!
That, my friend in the biz,
is what we call a spin. [chortles]
So do we tell the press
what happened to my bird?
Absolutely not.
That bird is the bird from the moon.
Eddie never killed or ate
any living thing.
I don't regret it. I'd do it again.
What's going on
with that bird after the show?
You're not gonna eat that bird
because that bird is Pella's precious pet.
I have no connection to this bird.
Our relationship is a lie.
You got 30 minutes to make it true.
Is that enough time?
No.
Okay. Remember our mantra, everybody.
Whatever happened on the moon...
stays on the moon.
Wow! Whatever happens on the moon...
[all] ...stays on the moon.
Great. This is what's gonna happen now.
We're gonna go through some
practice questions. I'll play the press.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
One person. Are you ready?
- [flatly] Yes, let's do it.
- I'm so ready.
You, sir, in the back.
Oh, me? Thank you for calling on me.
Ron Stimply, National Geographic.
Quick quest for all you
guardians out there.
Uh, do you know any fun facts
about the moon?
Uh, yes. Hello. I do, uh, Ron Stimply.
Yes, that's me. I'm Ron Stimply.
The moon always
shows the Earth the same face.
Oh my! Very fun.
I love how into it you are.
Now is the time where I will ask
other people that same question. You, sir.
Well, it's flat, Ron.
No, of course it's not. It is round.
So is a pizza.
But it is also flat.
Just trust me. I've eaten one.
I'm glad someone finally said
what we're all thinking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, there's been
a change of plans. Listen up.
Only Angela and the bird
are going to be meeting the press.
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No!
- Don't know that I can be alone.
- Gotta push my cameo.
General Naird believes,
and I believe as well,
Angela Ali,
that is the future of Space Force.
She is the next "shero"
in our great American "herstory."
I don't think this is such a good idea.
Remember, I was the one who said,
"It's good to be Black on the moon."
- Remember that?
- Yeah.
And America ate it up
like a meth-sprinkled,
deep-fried Snickers bar
you get at a state fair.
Angela, you're a queen.
You're America's queen.
Wear your crown.
I spent $600 on a makeover.
And you look beautiful.
Move that right out.
[soft marching tune plays]
Please put that printer in my car.
- What else are they taking next?
- [sighs]
This is bullshit.
Ah, NASA. You say NASA?
Ah, of course, NASA.
Nerds of Average Science Ability.
[man] Yeah, well, Adrian,
a little birdie told me
that your budget has been cut in half.
Fuck you.
[man] Fuck you.
Fuck you!
- Fuck y...
- [hangs up]
Anyway...
Well, this room is a big energy suck.
Well, what do you expect? I had to let go
a third of my science team this morning.
Good news. Anybody hungry?
Because I sprung for lunch.
Hope you brought your "McAppetites."
What about lunches
from the executive dining room?
The executive dining room's gone,
so we're gonna brown-bag it.
But I ordered blackened Cajun salmon
with cranberry vinaigrette.
Look, everybody, I know that it's tough.
I know that you are all sacrificing, but...
let me tell you a little story.
- My parents were having a tough year.
- [rattling]
And I knew there were going to be
no presents under the tree that Christmas.
So, Christmas morning, what did my dad do?
My dad got down,
and he crawled under the tree.
[sad violin music playing]
And then my mom crawled under the tree.
And then I crawled under the tree.
And the three of us lay there,
under the tree,
presents to one another.
Looking up at all those dead branches.
And it was depressing. And awful.
But still, within that,
there was a beauty.
And that is the kind of spirit
I am looking for here at Space Force.
Two points.
Uh, it's March,
and that story's very alarming.
Even when my parents were broke,
they still put something under the tree.
One year, we couldn't afford
a karaoke machine,
and they still bought me
a four-dollar plastic mic from CVS.
- Nice.
- You got McNuggets, you spoiled brat.
Stand down, Brad.
I would like to hear
a "Space Force spirit" on three.
One, two, three.
[Brad and Mark] Space Force spirit!
Ah.
Jesus.
We deactivated satellites,
cut non-essential personnel.
Uh, the executive chef,
dining room, it's all gone.
It wasn't easy,
but I think we made our target.
- You're not even close.
- Wha...
You calculated for a calendar year,
not the fiscal year.
You still need to cut
three months of expenses.
There's one item you could slash.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
The Mars mission, that...
that is a no-fly zone.
[chuckles] It's a very, very
important project for Dr. Mallory.
If that were cut, it would crush him.
Then I suggest
you tell him sooner rather than later.
You are so mean.
Ah!
That's my daughter.
[mumbling]
- [Mallory whispers] Oh, oops.
- [Mark exhales]
B-7.
[machine rattling]
Stupid machine.
I mean, you're programmed to do one thing,
so what remains clouded in mystery?
Is it the "B"? Is it the sev... Hey.
You okay?
Fantastic.
It's just a snack, Adrian.
No, I just received
an unwelcome bit of news.
You did?
Yeah, Jerome called.
He had to put the cat down.
Oh!
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't... I didn't realize you had a cat.
It's Jerome's cat, really.
Oh.
Anyway, you wanted to talk to me?
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you
about the Mars...
What?
...bar. The Mars bar.
Does this machine have a Mars bar?
There it is.
Boy, do I love those.
This point, I'd take any snack
out of this fucking machine.
Tell me about it. All right.
Well... anyhoo, good luck with the cat.
Oh shit.
- [mic feedback]
- Welcome! Hello, everybody. Take a seat.
What... What is happening? [chuckles]
You know, I've seen a lot of press,
but this has to be by far
the most attractive and intelligent press
I've seen in my entire life.
Where did they get you from?
Are you models? You all fake press?
Look at this. Model, model, model, model.
This is insane.
Ladies and gentlemen,
without any further ado,
- a hero, a legend...
- [inspirational music playing]
...the guardian of Space Force,
give it up for Captain Angela Ali.
Let's go!
[applause]
[Angela] Fuck.
Hey. Back in the room.
Here we go. Thank you.
- [Tony] How you doing, Captain?
- Great.
[Tony] Very good. Let's start it off.
Raising hands.
Looking for a first question.
How about you, sir,
with the razor-sharp cheekbones
in the front row.
Lemme hear a question.
I know you got a good one.
Where are the other astronauts?
The other astronauts all had
previous personal or dental appointments.
You don't worry about that.
Do you have a question for this hero?
I do. Two military superpowers
were on the moon together.
- [bird whistles]
- Was there any tension
coordinating a safe return
for both nations' astronauts?
Yeah. Um...
There... There was a brief
communication breakdown,
but through diplomacy and cooperation,
we were able to work together
to return safely home to erp.
"Erp"?
What? Nah, I said "Earth."
I heard "Earth." You said "Earth." Right?
She said Earth, everybody.
Unbelievable. Diplomacy and cooperation.
I love that answer.
- Great question. Great answer.
- [bird whistles]
Can't believe I get to watch this.
What about a second question?
[Angela] We have to stay calm or...
You're sucking up our air!
That's American air!
Typical American.
Think they own everything.
You're in our ship!
You're eating our food!
It's our food too!
We're Americans.
We're used to very large portions.
Guys, there's plenty of air.
Air's not going anywhere.
- There's plenty of food too. We're fine!
- And poultry.
[Angela] It's fine. We just have
to stay calm, or else we're going to die.
[woman] Captain Ali.
Captain Ali?
Sorry. What? Did...
Uh, what was the question?
Hey, can we all
stop whispering our questions?
Listen, I know she's a hero,
but it doesn't mean she has super hearing
like Daredevil or Spider-Man, okay?
So, speak up and use our real voices.
Here we go. One more time. In the middle.
Captain Ali, who or what
did you miss most
when you were on the moon?
Shh, shh. Quiet. Here it comes.
Who or what
did I miss the most on the moon?
Um...
Chile picante Corn Nuts.
- Ooh.
- [low chuckles]
That hurts.
Unless your nickname is Corn Nuts.
[giggles]
Shut up, Xyler.
I didn't say anything.
Hey, you should buy her
some of those chile picante Corn Nuts.
You think so?
You don't think that's too pushy?
No. No. I think it shows that you listen.
It's a nice gesture, and it's romantic.
In a mildly spicy way.
That's a great idea.
Corn Nuts? Know how much money
we could be making?
We do not drop names
until Kraft drops checks.
That's our motto.
What is going on with you?
Sorry. The bird kinda threw me off.
Broke my concentration.
Don't blame the bird.
The bird is trending right now.
"Moon bird" is the number one thing,
and nobody has figured out
that it's a totally different bird.
I love that bird.
So let's think about the next interview.
No, I cannot do the next interview.
Or any interview.
Look, I'm gonna be real with you.
I feel like I'm having a hard time.
Okay? Since I got back.
I'm not able to do even small things.
I don't do laundry.
I just... I just buy new clothes,
then I wear 'em until they get dirty,
and I throw 'em out a window.
- That's normal.
- No, it is not.
It is normal. Absolutely.
I don't know anybody
who doesn't love buying new clothes,
and who likes doing laundry?
I think I just need a vacation
from talking about the moon.
It's... It's everywhere I go.
"Hey, oh, there's Moon Girl.
Sign my husband's back."
- I need to stop talking about the moon.
- Okay. All right.
Maybe this can be of some help.
Oh, thank God.
- No, no. Of course not.
- What?
- Immediately you put it in your mouth?
- I don't know.
That is an anchorman's earpiece.
You put that in your ear.
I'm gonna be off to the side
feeding you lines.
You just say what I say.
You could shut off your brain for a sec.
You really think this is gonna work?
I know it'll work.
Baby, I know it'll work.
- [cell phone vibrating]
- [sighs]
Albertson, now is not a good time.
I am not in the mood
for your NASA bullshit.
I wouldn't hang up on me
if I were you, Adrian.
I have some info
you might be interested in.
Mallory yawns.
The little birdie that told me
about your budget cuts,
he or she has a friend in the Pentagon,
and they're looking at replacements
for, guess who, General Naird.
Hey, do you have
any real evidence of this?
Or it's just
your "little birdie" bullshit?
Is a copy of the official list
of candidates enough evidence for you?
Shit. This day just keeps getting worse.
Uh, I think I'll take that one, please.
Thank you.
- Buying a muffin?
- I am, yes.
Good choice. Is that cranberry?
Cranberry, yeah.
They were out of blueberry, so...
Darn. Well.
I love muffins.
Uh, Mark, I... I was wondering,
might I be able
to speak with you privately?
Sure. Yeah.
Actually, I need to talk to you too,
in private.
Okay.
Why don't we go outside? Go for a walk.
Yeah. Let's...
We should, yeah, outside, I think.
Out of the... the doors. Outside.
That sounds good.
Get outside. Get some fresh air.
- Sure.
- Away from people.
Away from people and breakable objects.
- Yeah. I can eat my muffin out there.
- Do you want a bag for that?
No. I'm good. I'm good.
- A napkin?
- No, I'll just go commando.
Ah. Okay.
- Nice to be outside.
- Yeah.
It is nice outside. Uh...
- [Mark sighs]
- Never knew we had so many guards.
So, Mark, um...
there's no way to sugarcoat this.
I have some very bad news to impart.
You have bad news for me?
Yes, you're gonna hate it. I hate it.
Adrian, I have... I have bad news for you.
Oh, believe me. Mine's worse.
I think mine's worse.
But how would we determine that
without first knowing both bits of news?
Well, that's true, but what's worse?
Getting the bad news first...
- First. Second.
- I think it's second.
- Well... It's...
- Or first.
You know what? Just rip the Band-Aid off.
Tell me my bad news.
The administration
is looking to replace you at Space Force.
What?
A colleague of mine,
rather a parasite
that attached itself to my gills at NASA,
found out, and he sent me the list
of possible replacements.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want to see the list of po...
But you said to rip the Band-Aid off.
Yes, I did, but I didn't say
rub salt in the wound
and then put a lit cigarette in it.
- No, but I told you my news was worse.
- Oh...
- No, no, mine is worse.
- I told you.
No, it can't... What is it?
The Mars mission is canceled.
- No!
- Yes.
- [gasps] No!
- I'm sorry.
- I tried to warn you... Yes.
- No! Say no!
- I'm not saying no because it's yes.
- Please! Say no.
- I can't.
- Fuck!
Fuck, I know. I know.
Fuck!
Fuck!
- [kicking continues]
- Okay.
Get it out.
[Mallory sighs]
[exhales]
- Better?
- Yeah. Fine.
- [sighs]
- You?
Fine. Fine.
Your muffin isn't.
Yeah.
They told me I had four months.
Yeah, I hate those cheap,
lying D.C. bean counters.
I know.
Well, I'm sorry about the Mars mission.
I know you would've saved it
if you could've.
Well, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- [Mallory sighs]
Oh Jesus.
You know who we have to tell
about the Mars mission?
[Mallory] Who?
[Mallory] Oh, boy.
[Mark] Yeah, "Oh, boy."
[Mark] All right. All right.
It has to be done.
Do you want me to do this?
It's okay. I'll do it.
It's my job. [clears throat]
Okay.
Oh, yay! A call!
[laughs] Guys, this is great. Hi! Hi!
- Hello, Captain Lancaster. How are you?
- Hello.
I'm... Fine. I'm fine.
You know, I miss... I miss Earth,
and, uh, my family,
and food,
and, uh, standing up in gravity,
and, you know...
Apparently, my heart
has shrunken a little bit.
But that's... I'm okay.
You know, nobody likes a whiner,
so tell me to shut up. [chuckles]
It'll all be worth it
when I finally set foot on Mars.
Thrill of a lifetime that I've...
that I've waited my whole existence for.
My name will be written in history.
Yes, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, but wait, wait. I...
Sorry. I have so many questions. Um...
How's my boy?
I haven't held him since he was born.
Doing well. Doing well.
He spoke his first words.
What were they?
"I...
love daddy."
[Mark] What the fuck are you doing?
That's wonderful. That's wonderful.
[clears throat emotionally]
- [grunts]
- Yeah.
Okay. Hey, how are my New York Jets doing?
- [whispers] You have to tell him.
- The Jets...
Uh...
- I... I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
General Naird has something to tell you.
Nah. All right. Yes.
- Go ahead.
- Okay. Yep.
Hello, Captain Lancaster.
This is General Naird.
And there's something
that I need to tell you.
Your Jets are going to the Super Bowl!
- [laughs] Oh my.
- They're probably gonna win.
A miracle. A miracle.
Yep.
[softly] Jesus Christ.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
What if it backfires?
[girl on phone] Prepare to get rich, girl.
Okay. Get ready.
Three, two, one.
I did it. [chuckles]
Captain Ali, you've been the subject
of so much attention
since returning from the moon.
Is it hard adjusting to the spotlight?
- Funny thing about a spotlight.
- [Angela repeating verbatim]
It illuminates the exteriors
when the real light of a person
- ...shines most from within.
- ...shines most from an inn.
Um, an inn?
Like a Days Inn?
- Within. Sorry. I made a mistake.
- Within. Sorry. I made a mistake.
- Within.
- [reporter] Ah. Within.
- [chuckles] Okay.
- Sorry.
The Chinese and American astronauts
both returned home in the same capsule.
Yes.
Was there ever a moment on the moon
when you thought,
"I might not be coming home."
- Definitely not.
- Definitely.
- Not!
- Not.
- Definitely not.
- Say, "Definitely not."
Def... I said, "Definitely not."
Is what I said.
Okay, um, shall we move on?
- [Angela] Yep.
- Okay.
Something so many of us want to know...
You have been called an American hero.
What does the word "hero" mean to you?
This is a great question.
- This is a great... Yeah, thank...
- Thanks for asking.
Heroes. Rosa Parks.
- No. I'm sorry. I can't do this.
- Serena Williams.
- I cannot handle the word "hero."
- No? What are you doing?
I'm done with it today, okay?
I'm done. I'm not a hero.
I'm an astronaut.
General Naird, he gave me
an opportunity to go to the moon.
And I did, and I came back safely.
We did that under his leadership.
We were just... We were just doing our jobs.
And... I don't know.
I am not a hero,
but you know who is a real hero?
And I'm serious about this.
The people who make
chile picante Corn Nuts.
- [chuckles]
- I know.
But they are.
Or whoever makes my awesome drum kit.
That's a hero.
Little kids
who do their homework every day.
People who do their laundry. I don't...
I don't do any of that, and I'm...
Those are the real heroes. Not me.
[inspirational music playing]
Well, you heard it here first.
We're all heroes.
And this coming from a real American hero.
And apparently, a drummer.
[laughing] Thank you so much.
You did an amazing job.
- Thanks. Sorry.
- "We're all heroes"?
- I know.
- No, it was amazing. Look at this.
"Drummer Moon Girl"
is trending right this second.
There's already a meme of you.
Look at that thing go.
[drumming]
[scoffs] Great.
Yeah! It's super great.
What a day, huh?
What a shit show.
We've all lost resources.
We lost the Mars mission.
Brad lost his testicle chair.
So we thought it might be a good idea
to gather everyone together
and wish you
a merry Christmas!
[both] Merry Christmas.
- [Chan] But it's March.
- [Mark] Come on in!
- [Brad] Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.
- Whoa.
- Merry Christmas.
- Nice.
[excited chatter]
I'm helping with this.
Karaoke machine!
- Wow!
- "Party Rocker Max."
- Cool.
- Thank you, General.
- [Mark] You're welcome.
- Wait, I can't find any dance music.
Check Dua Lipa.
No, but they got "Jingle Bells."
It's mostly public domain Christmas music.
What about the collected works
of Alvin and the Chipmunks?
"O Holy Night."
[Xyler] Mariah Carey.
[Mallory] Mariah Carey.
What do you think about this text?
I think I'm gonna send it
with a singing emoji.
Cute.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- [cell phone chimes, vibrates]
- [sighs]
[sighs heavily]
[clothes thudding against branches]
[shoes thumping below]
[loud drumming]
[all singing]
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy New Year... ♪
Where's Angela?
I don't know. She just left.
Hey, be honest.
Do you think she's seeing another guy?
I don't know. Let's join in. Here we go.
♪ ...and a happy New Year ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
[shaky harmonizing]
♪ And a happy New Year ♪
[theme music playing]