Space Force (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Conjugal Visit - full transcript

[rocket engine whooshing]

[Mallory] We got lucky
with the master-welder applicants.

These are the best in the nation.

Our top electrician prospect

is a contractor working out of Chicago.

He already has
confidential security clearance,

so that should save some...

I'm sorry.
Are we interrupting your workout?

Would you like us
to come back when you're done?

Okay, cranky,
I can still do this while you talk.

Well, if I'm cranky,
it's because I'm running myself ragged



trying to adapt
a four-year program for moon habitation

into something that's ready to launch
three days from now.

China forced our hand.

If we don't get up there
before they fortify their base,

they could keep us off the moon forever.

Sending construction workers into space.

What are we thinking?

Either we teach astronauts trades
that may take years to master,

or we teach tradesmen
to be passengers on a rocket bus.

[imitates PA] Please keep all hands
and feet inside the vehicle at all times.

Do not barf in your helmet,
or you will drown.

Chan gets it.
Maybe we should let him handle this.

Oh, no. Moon habitation is my life's work.

I just wanted to complain a bit.



Well, what a delightful waste of time.

We have to make the selections today
to stay on schedule.

Would you like
to call the winners with me?

Uh... yeah. I can't.

I'm not gonna be around.

Chan, could you pack this stuff up for me?
Thank you.

[mouthing]

[whispers]
I've got my, uh, conjugal visit today.

How are you feeling?

I'm nervous. It's been a while.

Don't put too much pressure
on the act itself.

Arousal is birthed in the brain.

I can't tell you how creepy it is
to watch you say the word "arousal."

Just, all right, listen.

I've, uh... got a cover story.

I'm going to Denver.

You're going to Denver?

[Chan]
Hey, I'm going to Denver today, too.

I'm taking Captain Ali to the eye doctor.

Okay, good!

Just make sure her eyes are healed
before the launch.

Well, we should carpool, General.
Save some gas.

No. No. No.

No. No.

No, he's not going to...

No!

- I don't want to carpool.
- Why not?

[clears throat] Uh...

[exhales]

I find your presence grating.

Oh.

Is it... Did...

Huh.

I see.

I appreciate the feedback, sir.

Oh...

[door closes]

- Do you think I hurt his feelings?
- Yeah.

And I want you to include Fuck Tony
in your final selection process.

[Obie] Oh, hey, General.

Have fun in Denver, sir.
I've always wanted to go to Denver.

Thanks, spaceman.

Why on earth would I do that?

First time since 1972,

we're gonna have Americans
walking on the moon.

They're gonna be instant heroes.

We need our media consultant for that.

Fair enough.

Have a good time in Denver, General.

Just know it may not be as great
as you remember.

Thank you, Hildy.

Expectations managed.

Uh, people certainly seem invested
in your fake trip.

They care about the old man

because they know
the old man cares about them.

- Mm-hmm.
- Any problems, Brad'll take care of them.

General, if I may offer some advice.

Downtown Denver will always be there.

Why not spend some time getting to know
the other parts of the city?

That way, when you do go "downtown,"

it will be that much more special.

Yes? Okay.

Happy travels.

I believe your code may have been cracked.

Yeah. No shit.

Hey, Bug.
I was just getting ready to take off.

Heard you're gonna see Mom today.

- Yeah.
- I'm coming with you.

Uh...

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

I don't know.

Okay.

Shit.

Jesus, Dad, what?

Nothing. Nothing.

[groaning] It...

[Tony] Let's break it down.

Okay, so we're looking
for American heroes.

Let me be more clear.

We are looking for people
who look like heroes.

No uggos.

Well, Abraham Lincoln is a hero,
and he was pretty unattractive.

You're insane. He was gorgeous.

He was a Frankenstein without the bolts.

But, now, Gerald Ford... hochi mochi!

- You kidding me with that guy?
- [laughing]

- Yeah.
- He was poured into that suit.

All-American,
University of Michigan football player.

- Yes, please. [laughing]
- Yes, please!

- All day.
- I also agree, but we have work to do.

Call the first one, Brad.

- Hello?
- Mr. Ely, congratulations.

You have been selected
for Project Mayflower,

and we need you in Wild Horse, ASAP.

I see you're working
near Sheppard Air Force Base.

We can have a plane ready in an hour.
Will that work?

Yeah, just need to hammer out
the details of my contract first.

But the terms were agreed to
during the preliminary calls,

were they not?

Yeah, I'm gonna need something more.

A million dollars.

[clears throat]

I don't get paid a million dollars.

[all laughing]

I mean, no government employee
gets paid a million dollars, Mr. Ely.

No. I heard Coach Saban
makes over seven million dollars a year.

- Roll Tide!
- Roll, Tide, roll!

Oh, you would be a 'Bama fan.

- Oh, I'm so sorry for liking winners.
- That's so perfect.

- Quiet, please.
- Okay.

Sir, the United States of America

is building a permanent colony
on the moon.

We are answering the call of destiny.

You would jeopardize your part in this
over money?

[chuckling] Man.

You want me,

I should be compensated.

To be clear, I don't want you.

You're an unfortunate necessity,
like tipping or...

colonoscopies.

So I'm a colonoscopy?

It was an off-the-cuff comparison,
but I'll tell you what,

if it resonates for you...

Hey, man, fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

- Hey.
- What?

Fuck you.

Ah!

By the way, there is no need
Mark should be privy

to the specifics of that conversation.

Are we all agreed?

- [both] Absolutely.
- Yeah.

[inaudible]

Ugh!

- Okay. I don't wanna know.
- All right.

- Stay here. I'll be back.
- Ew.

[gate buzzes]

["HER" by Block B playing on stereo]

Good choice.

You like K-Pop?

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

I mean, K-Pop kind of jacked
their whole shit from black music,

but it's okay.

Actually, black people and Koreans
have tons in common.

Barbecue's bangin', skincare is flawless.

You know I'm not Korean, right?

Yeah. Okay.

- Don't get offended.
- I'm not.

It's not like you know
where my people come from.

Well, where did your people come from?

I don't know.

In third grade,
I had to do a heritage report,

and I just said, "Congo?"

I had just seen the movie Congo.

[laughing]

Sorry, I just have a thing
about being mistaken for Korean.

All my Korean friends are hotheads.

One of 'em threw a fork at me
in Marie Callender's.

Why?

I said something about his grandma.

Oof.

Okay,
so your ethnicity's actually just asshole.

Grandma Kim was a bitch, though.

[laughing]

[knocking on door]

- [Maggie] Mmm.
- [Mark sighs]

[Mark] Oh, I miss the way your bumps feel
against my body.

[Maggie chuckles]

[Mark] I think it's been a year
since I've hugged someone.

Except for the Speaker of the House.

[Maggie] Different bumps.

Very different.

[Maggie laughing]

Oh, look at you.

Wait a minute. Is that a knit tie?

Yeah.

Dr. Mallory thought
that I could make it work.

Well, I like it.

- Thanks.
- Take it off.

- Okay. I will. I will.
- [giggling]

You know, I was thinking of how we could

- maximize our time here together.
- Uh-huh.

There's a strategy in basketball
called a two-for-one

in which the team tries to take a shot
early in order to get the ball back

so they can shoot again
before time runs out.

Oh. Oh, I like where your head is at.

- Yeah?
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Hmm?

What's the secret here?

- It's a zipper. That's it.
- All right.

[laughing]

How does that thing work? Okay.

What are we doing here?

- Yeah.
- [Mark] Agh.

I wish I had my multi-tool.
They took it when I walked in.

- [grunting]
- Oh, oh, be careful, don't rip it.

Well, I'll buy you a new one.

Yeah, no, it's just that...

No, it comes out of my commissary,

and I'm almost at my limit
for this month, so...

- Okay. All right.
- I have to be...

All right.

Mmm.

Mmm...

Are you doing something different
with your upper lip?

No.

Uh... okay.

Just seems like it's a little more active.

- Hmm.
- I don't know.

- It's the same.
- You know what?

Let's not think about a two-for-one
or a three-for-one or any of that stuff.

- Mm-hmm.
- Let's just, uh, practice, all right?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay.

All right.

Maybe we should see what happens if we...

All right. That might put us in the mood.

[sighing loudly]

[sighs]

Yo! Erin!

How do you know my name?

Maggie's the only one
who gets her beefcake helicoptered in.

Figured you must be her daughter.

She say you're smart,
but you don't look it.

Okay, well,
I am on this side of the fence, so...

Oh...

Definitely Maggie's kid.

You're not gonna, like, shiv my mom
in the shower 'cause I was mean, are you?

No. She'd probably put me
out of the book club.

[chuckling]

- Let's go.
- Wait, wait, wait! Wait.

Sorry.

So, you know my mom?

How's she doing in there?

This is my rec time.
You wanna talk? Keep up.

Keep going.

Yeah, just keep going straight.

Why are you're walking like a ninja?

Okay, can you just, like, lead me, please?

- No, no, no, no.
- Like, just...

I'm not comfortable with that.

Two adult acquaintances
should not be holding hands.

What? Why? Who are you
trying to seem single for, huh?

That guy? Ooh. He has cats.

[sniffs] I'm sorry, I just...

Since I can't see,
my sense of smell is heightened.

Fine.

Hold on to my shirt.

- What?
- Hold onto my shirt.

- I...
- Come on.

No. No, this looks ridiculous.

How do you know? You can't see.

Because there's no version
of a man leading a woman on a leash

that looks cool.

- [man] Whoa!
- Watch where I'm going!

I am! I just led you
around a huge pile of spiders.

- Oh! Why...
- Okay, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

Oh, that was a joke.

Oh, yeah, I get why it's funny.
Right, because I can't see,

and I'm trying to protect myself,
and I can't.

Yeah, that's very funny.
You're very good at humor.

Thank you.

[shudders]

- What was that?
- [Chan] Your shadow?

So how's work?

It's fine.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

Rockets go up, rockets come down.

The usual.

- Why was our last visit canceled?
- [sighs]

Oh, it was nothing.

It was just a blip.

Louise said the president was mad at you.

Mm. No. It was a blip.

How's your work?

Oh, it's okay.

Yeah. I mean, I don't see myself
cutting eyeglass lenses forever.

But you cannot get a library job

unless someone dies
or gets beat really bad.

Well, give it time.

Yeah, Mark. Think I will give it time.

Maggie, I didn't mean to make you upset.

You didn't.

So how's everything else going?

Um...

I'm playing a lot of clarinet.

I always thought
you wanted to play the harp.

Yeah. They don't allow string instruments
in here.

It's a suicide-murder thing.

- Well...
- Which is ridiculous,

'cause I could easily kill someone
with a clarinet. You know?

Blunt force trauma.

Internal bleeding, or, smack,
brain someone.

Jesus, Maggie.

Hey, I'm not gonna do it.

I'm just saying, I mean, I could,

given the opportunity
and the right provocation,

the right provocation.

Well, I'm just... I'm glad
you're learning an instrument.

[Mallory]
Okay, we're only 100,000 over budget,

and we have to send the plumber the...
Who... What tickets?

- Brooks & Dunn.
- Ah.

Uh... next candidate, please.

Well, that was the last one.

And we still don't have an electrician
or an HVAC specialist.

I didn't anticipate so many people

losing their nerve at the last minute.

So you gotta improvise.

Launch what we got.

It's jazz, baby!

You seem like the type of guy
who pretends to like jazz.

We can't improvise this.

Failure in either of those systems
could be catastrophic,

and we don't have enough time

to launch another nationwide search
for more candidates.

I mean... this is a disaster!

- Yeah.
- My career is ruined!

I'm kaput!

No! I spent years training
for this very moment!

There has to be a way.

Well, uh, I found an electrician nearby
with five stars.

Uh, he promises,
"shockingly good results."

[chuckling] That's kinda fun.

Don't be an idiot, Brad.

Yeah, don't be foolish, Brad,

because anyone can have five stars
if they only have one or two reviews.

How many reviews does he have?

["Elvis" by AOA playing]

Hey. Wait, are you dancing?

No.

I don't learn K-Pop dances.

There was like a fly in here.

- Oh.
- You know?

[woman panting]

Whoo.

Well, this explains
how the cops caught you.

How are you not tired?

Used to run track when we lived in DC.

Not anymore?

Only when I go to prison, apparently.

[groans]

So, how are you and my mom friends?

Oh, everybody's friends with Maggie.

Or wants to be.

She runs
the most exclusive book club in here.

Great.

My mom has more friends in prison
than I do in the outside world.

Hmm.

You wouldn't happen to have,
like, a meth-head daughter

I could grab brunch with sometime,
would you?

[screams]

[laughing]

Ha-ha.

Hey, remember our trip
to Palo Duro Canyon?

Oh. [laughs]

God.

- Yeah, "America's second-largest canyon"?
- Yeah.

What, did we think the Grand Canyon
would be too overwhelming?

Stupid.

All right, well, when you get out,
we will go to the Grand Canyon.

In 40 years?

I don't wanna talk about that.

Well, I... honey,
I thought it might distract you.

Well, I don't need to be distracted.
I need to accept what is.

Okay. Maggie, what's going on?

Nothing.

Oh, God.

I didn't want to do this till the end.

Do what?

Yeah.

Um, I think we need to talk about
our relationship.

Um...

I think...
I think we should have an open marriage.

Open to what, exactly?

Open to the, the notion of us
having relationships that are intimate

with people that are accessible to us.

No.

No? Just like that?

Just like that.

You're being ridiculous.

Okay.

Let's see.

You have notes?

Well...

"Leaders must always be open
to suggestions

that can improve
the organization's vision."

Do not quote the Air Force handbook to me.

"Team members need to feel
comfortable enough

to think outside the box
and share their thoughts..."

This is stupid!

- "...and ideas..."
- No.

"without fear of being
shut down or discounted.

It is the hallmark of a trust-based team."

I'm not even in the Air Force anymore.

I'm gonna be in here for 40 years.

I would like to have a relationship
with a human being

without having to be dishonest.

This is a woman's prison, Maggie.
You're not gay.

No!

But I'm not 100% straight, either.

You're bisexual?

It's complicated.

Well, great. Lay it on me.

I can deal with complicated.

I talk to scientists all day long.

About their sexual needs?

I could. I choose not to.

All right, Mark.

Okay, this has nothing to do with
how good we are when we're together.

This is about what happens
when you leave here

and go back to live your life.

Well, then...

why don't you just ask me for a divorce?

No!

No. Our marriage...

Our marriage is not just about
sexual exclusivity.

It's... It's about love.

And honesty and support.

And Erin.

It's a declaration to the whole world

that we've got each other's backs,
no matter what.

And I don't wanna lose that.

Do you?

Okay.

What are we doing?

We've been apart too long.

We've forgotten how good we are together.

No. It's not about that, Mark.

Oh... [gasps]

Oh, God. Okay. Well, that's unfair.

Hey.

Hmm.

I love you.

I love you, too.

If that zipper doesn't come straight down,

I am bombing this place to dust.

So, it's the same show,
just two different names.

No. One is Fullmetal Alchemist, one is
Fullmetal Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

- Two different shows.
- Right, so one's a sequel.

Okay, I got it.

No!

It's parallel!

They're like, uh, alternate dimensions.

What, like one of 'em's a dream?

Full Metal Alchemist came first,
but it caught up to the manga,

so they have to make up their own stuff.

Brotherhood came after the manga!

Okay, but which one has Batman?

What are you talking about?

Oh.

[groans]

Do not mansplain anime to me,
you rude, rude bitch.

I can't wait to get rid of you.

Really?

Is that why we've taken,
like, 20 right turns in a row?

[stammering]

Construction detour.

You have kidnapped a woman

so you can yell at her about cartoons.

How dare you?

- Ooh.
- That was great.

Maybe not as great as, uh,
New Year's Eve '99,

but it's hard to top that Y2K combination
of excitement and fear.

- [sighs]
- That was incredible.

We're incredible.

- Yeah.
- We're incredible together.

There's nothing in here
that can compare to our history.

Definitely not.

So it's decided?

Close it up?

Close the marriage?

Post a sentry?

Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Uh, no.

[Mark sighs]

Mags, I don't want this.
I don't want the open thing.

Are you really okay
with being alone all year,

except for eight hours?

Really?
There's no one out there you wanna date?

No.

Was that a pause?

- No. No, it wasn't a pause.
- Oh, come on!

I don't wanna date anybody else, Maggie.
Just you.

Okay.

There someone you wanna date?

I think an open marriage
could work for us.

The countdown on our conventional marriage
started as soon as I got arrested.

No, it didn't,
because I would wait for you forever.

Because that is what I signed on for
when we got married.

So both of us should suffer needlessly?

What's the value in that?

Look, I don't mind suffering needlessly.

That's fine.

- [Maggie scoffs]
- I'll be fine.

You would not be fine with that?

No!

I'm not fine with having sex
only twice a year,

and that's only when
the president allows it, by the way.

It's more than twice a year.
It's two visits a year.

I can have sex with you
three times each visit.

That's six times.

Maybe I could go for four.

[stammers] No, I can't do four.

I could do three, though.

I'd definitely go for three.

Oh, boy.

[whistle blowing]

[guard] Everybody line up!

That's us.

I'll tell your mom you say "hi."

Thanks for the workout.

That was actually the first run
I've been on since I quit cross-country.

Feels good, don't it?

It's freedom.

Huh. [chuckles]

Yeah.

Bye.

[sighs]

[inspirational music playing]

[laughs]

Maggie, what kind of man
breaks his own vows?

You can't just change 'em after the fact.
That's not how they work.

But why not?

Why not? Growing up,

there are other people telling us
what's right and what's wrong.

Well, we're the grow-ups now.

The whole point of being faithful
is to avoid hurting the person you love.

We love each other,

but being faithful is hurting us.

You've been such a good man for so long.

You deserve to be happy.

So do you.

Thanks.

I wanted Denver, and I got California.

[Maggie laughing]

In three days' time,
a rocket crewed by astronauts,

members of the military,

and a group of world-class tradespeople

will take off from this base

to build an American town on the moon.

We would like you both
to be on that rocket.

Any questions?

Which moon are we going to?

The one you're familiar with.

How'd you get my number? I'm unlisted.

Uh, Angie's List.

Are they serving dinner on the flight?

Meals will be provided.

- Right? Is that right?
- Yes.

Meals will be provided, so...

Are we expected to breed?

No.

Can I bring my cat?

Can she bring her cat?

- Come on.
- No.

- Sorry.
- No.

If we are required to breed,
do I have a choice?

Is it her?

That's a great question.

He's saying if they have to have sex,
could it be her?

- He could be into it.
- I understood. Thank you.

Uh, if it will be required,
you will be given a choice, yes.

I get an hour for lunch.

Understood.

When is Christmas on the moon?

It's the usual time.

After Christmas Eve.

[woman] Werewolves.

Have you addressed the possible hazard
of werewolves on the moon,

in their prime environment?

[man] I understand that you can grow
up to two inches on the moon.

Is that in all directions?

[Mark sighs]

So...

[clears throat]
what should we tell people?

Whatever we want.

We make the rules.

Never made my own rules before.

Sounds like fun.

It is.

[guard] Let's go.

Oh, shoot, I gotta get in line.

[gate buzzes]

["Daydream Believer"
by The Monkees playing]

♪ Oh, I could hide beneath the wings ♪

♪ Of the bluebird as she sings ♪

♪ The six-o'clock alarm
Would never ring ♪

♪ But six rings and I rise ♪

♪ Wipe the sleep out of my eyes ♪

♪ The shaving razor's cold
And it stings ♪

Dad!

What the fuck?

♪ Cheer up, sleepy Jean ♪

♪ Oh, what can it mean ♪

♪ To a daydream believer ♪

♪ And a homecoming queen? ♪

♪ You once thought of me
As a white knight on his steed ♪

♪ Now you know how happy I can be ♪

♪ Oh, and our good times
Starts and end ♪

♪ Without dollar one to spend ♪

♪ But how much, baby
Do we really need? ♪

♪ Cheer up, sleepy Jean ♪

♪ Oh, what can it mean ♪

♪ To a daydream believer ♪

♪ And a homecoming queen? ♪

♪ Cheer up, sleepy Jean ♪

♪ Oh, what can it mean ♪

♪ To a daydream believer ♪

♪ And a homecoming queen? ♪

♪ Cheer up, sleepy Jean ♪

♪ Oh, what can it mean ♪

♪ To a daydream believer ♪

♪ And a homecoming queen? ♪