Space Force (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Save Epsilon 6! - full transcript
With his beloved satellite severely hobbled, General Naird must decide between a well-reasoned scientific solution and a chimp-led rescue operation.
Motherfucker!
- What? What is it?
- Take a look.
Goddamnit!
Motherfucker!
We have to get back to work!
Wait, are you okay to drive?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
Oh, yeah! Acts of foreign aggression
really sober me up!
Perhaps I come in, and we finish this.
Can't. Lots of math homework due tomorrow.
Great, I'll help you.
It's gonna be like a study date.
It's trig.
We do trigonometry in grade six back home.
Nerd.
Anyway, my father wouldn't approve.
Of study?
Of you helping.
He does it with me.
Makes sure I struggle enough.
It looks all lit up,
but no car in driveway.
I don't think he's home.
Maybe I should go in.
Nah.
He promised he'd do it with me.
He's in there,
waiting to pounce 'cause I'm late.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Dad?
And what do you estimate
the velocities are?
Yes. Understood.
The solar panels are still close
to the Epsilon unit
but on a slightly different trajectory.
My guys are estimating
we have around ten hours
before they're too far away to reattach.
Ten hours? Easy.
We're gonna Apollo 13
the shit out of this thing!
Space Force spirit!
Assess and inventory?
The panel joints were snipped cleanly
in the open position.
It'll provide power
if we can get it to touch Epsilon 6,
and if we do nothing,
it'll fall into atmosphere
and burn up by tomorrow morning.
Okay, team, what do we think?
I think we should try to get the panels
and reattach them.
Good. That's a good suggestion. Good.
Okay, team, what do we think?
Suppose we leave the panels
on their trajectory
and use Epsilon's adjustment thrusters
to bring the craft to the panels?
- Interesting.
- Great. Done.
And how are we powering the thrusters?
Because the panels were the power source.
Ah.
The connection nubs are exposed.
Microwave irradiation of the nubs
from the Alaska Microwave Telescope
might generate enough
for thruster ignition.
The craft will be above Alaska
in 15 minutes.
Uh-huh.
It's almost dinnertime in Alaska.
Are we sure that the nips will be exposed?
Nubs, sir.
I'm here.
What's going on?
Oh! This is a fun
sleepover kind of energy, huh?
Get Alaska on the phone.
- Yes, sir.
- No, don't bother.
The panels are headed for the atmosphere.
So... hurry, right?
The nubs won't generate enough power
to change directions.
Epsilon will burn up.
Never mind. Stupid. Stupid!
How did this guy get hired?
I'm the foremost aeronautical
engineering theorist in Belgium.
Oh, well, I didn't realize
that Belgium had a space force.
Belgium is part
of the European Space Agency
because Belgium is part of Europe.
Great, 'cause there's nothing stronger
than a European Union.
What's after Brexit?
Frexit? Swexit?
Shall we brainstorm?
Yeah, let's do that.
Let's break up into teams.
Anybody under the rank
of lieutenant general can take notes.
And... anybody who's from Belgium.
Would we ever get
to this flight equation?
- This is the satellite.
- Right.
This is what's come off of the satellite.
Yes, if we enter this way...
As long as the models match.
Keep in mind that we don't have
any glasses or protractors in space.
Would the thrust chamber
assembly cluster...
La-la-la, listen.
Are you familiar with the sonic boom?
Fresh out of the oven!
Here you go. Cookies.
Take one per person. One.
Careful, they're hot.
Okay.
"Manned space walk from the ISS."
Hmm. That's risky,
and the ISS is 200 kilometers away.
If we ask for outside help,
the whole world will know
that the Chinese bufu'd our satellite.
Next card.
"Solar panels are like light sails.
Push them back with light."
Hmm. That's interesting, Yamato.
It is, but how would we focus the sunlight
in the right direction?
- Retask a LEOT.
- Next card!
That's Low Earth Orbit Telescope.
Next card, please!
Yamato, there is something there.
Why don't you take Swedberg and Carter
and noodle it around a little bit?
Good idea.
Okay, what have we here?
This says...
"Bomb."
I don't know if that is a noun, a verb,
or an adjective describing my outfit.
All right,
let's not just dismiss that out of hand.
What about a bomb?
In my experience with the Air Force,
that was very often the right answer.
Very, very often.
Are we now pretending
we have tons of time?
We don't!
Okay, then who would like to elaborate
on their idea of "bomb"?
All right, it was me!
Maybe it's a small smart bomb,
very targeted.
I don't see how that could help.
All right, a big fuckin' bomb.
That was my first instinct, anyway.
- That's no better.
- Shockwaves!
- It's a vacuum.
- Space is a vacuum.
Vandeveld, take Chan,
and work out the details.
Noodle it around.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
"Tangent X"?
Dad!
Assess and inventory.
What assets do we have
within a 100-mile radius of Epsilon?
Four pieces of space junk
consisting of three bags of garbage
from a 1990 shuttle mission and a Tesla.
Also, there's something here
that this computer only identifies
as "Mission X-12."
I don't have the security clearance
to see what it is.
Use my code. I'll type it in.
Okay.
Okay. It's open.
Assess and inventory.
This launched two months ago.
On board: assault rifles, ten.
Assault rifles?
This was not
a scientifically useful mission, guys.
I kept it from you.
It was a very successful mission,
ordered by POTUS himself,
which proved that assault rifles
will work in the vacuum of space.
Which was never in doubt.
But now the Manchester Arms Company
can advertise the R-9
as the official Space Force gun
for committing mass shootings on the moon.
Or hunting.
Okay, okay, no politics, please!
We all took an oath
to defend the Constitution,
not a political party.
We are all Americans here.
Even Chan and Vanden-f-flank.
- I'm an EU citizen.
- Canadian.
Indian immigrant. On a green card.
- Sri Lankan with an O-1 work visa.
- We don't have time for this!
Keep going, Chan.
Okay, also on board:
assorted tool package 2-A.
Bags of chimp food, ten.
Bags of dog food, ten.
Chimp, adult male.
Dog, adult male.
I’m in charge of animal experimentation.
Why were there animals on board?
Would you like to handle that?
The White House felt very strongly
that footage of a dogstronaut
and a chimpstronaut would be worthwhile
and would be, um...
what's the word?
Viral.
That reminds me,
someone release Fuck Tony from the brig.
So the groundbreaking science
was not enough.
We needed a literal dog and pony show,
recast with a chimp.
Yes!
But that is something
that we can work with.
We have a manned flight
or man's best friend.
We have personnel in the field.
Yes, but we have the best personnel
here on the ground,
and surely it is the people
who invented the bus,
rather than the driver,
who are the best people to fix it.
You're talking to a pilot.
Remember who flies the plane.
Most planes fly by autopilot.
- Shut up, Chan.
- Well, most buses, too.
Soon, everybody will be out of a job,
except scientists.
I think Yamato's light sail team
are our best bet.
Yeah, but I don't understand what that is.
Warren Buffett always says
that he doesn't invest in tech
because he doesn't understand it.
Wait, look,
why do you distrust scientists?
You scientists say
"don't eat carbs" one day,
and "only eat carbs" the next!
Because of the large sample sizes
and long time periods,
dietary science
is by nature an imprecise sci...
Shut up!
I wanna talk to this chimp.
Can we get a video conference going?
Chan, does it say
who trained the dog and the chimp?
Yes. I can have them brought in.
General, I have to warn you.
We've pretty much ignored these animals
for the last two weeks.
It seems there was no provisions made
to bring them home, so we...
ghosted them.
You what?
It's standard. The reentry capsules
are too expensive for animal missions.
So, Laika, Gordie, Dezik,
- Lisa, Albert II, Albert IV...
- Four.
Were all left there
after the mission was accomplished,
which, in this case,
was apparently obtaining cute footage.
That's horrible.
Not nice.
Shame on us!
I found some of the footage.
That is cute, though.
Ah. Mission accomplished.
- Play it again.
- No time. Come on, Brad.
I'm Marcus and Theodore's trainer.
Ah. Uh, which one is the dog?
Uh, Theodore.
Well, first things first,
which one would better suited
to fix something?
Okay, well, probably Marcus.
It's way more difficult
for a dog to handle a tool.
What exactly are you expecting him to do?
I want him to do a spacewalk
outside of the capsule,
and weld two solar panels
back onto the Epsilon 6.
Okay, well, that's not gonna happen.
It had better happen
because it is our best hope
of salvaging a satellite worth billions.
Our best hope are Yamato's light sails.
Shh! Corporal,
what are the challenges here?
Well, it takes quite a while
to train a new behavior,
and this sounds like
a string of new behaviors.
Uh, the experiment ended
at least ten days ago,
so I don't know what treats are left
to reinforce him with.
What about duty?
Is that not enough of a treat anymore?
Look, I'll do my best.
And I will try to impress upon him
the importance of this new mission.
All right,
so how do you communicate with...
What? Marcus is it?
Uh... sign language.
You do realize this is a chimpanzee?
Yes. Yes, of course.
A Space Force chimpanzee named Marcus.
All right, get him up on the screen.
We do not have much time.
Marcus!
Marcus?
Here, Marcus!
Up here.
What is he doing? Is he signing something?
Yes. He's saying "baby monkey."
Oh. Jesus, he misses his children.
No. In nature, chimps eat baby monkeys
whenever they can their hands on them.
Google it.
Probably just sick of
his regular chimp food.
Oh, my word.
This is absolutely disgusting. Look.
Yeah, they eat human babies, too.
- Look that up.
- Stop. Stop. It's a wild animal.
Oh, my God!
He has a different morality,
and NASA was riddled with ex-Nazis,
so... who are we to cast stones?
All right.
Tell Marcus we will get him baby monkey.
But first, he has to do something for us.
Something for his country.
We're not going to give him baby monkey.
Of course we're not, Dr. Wolf,
but sometimes you have to lie to people
in order to motivate them.
Like your promotion or your sabbatical.
- What?
- Tell him!
We know Marcus want treat.
But first, Marcus go outside.
"Go outside, die."
No die. Helmet.
He can put on his helmet.
That's one of his behaviors.
Also, his helmet has a laser
that we can activate,
and when it shines on something,
Marcus will try to manipulate that thing.
"Bored. Hungry. Horny."
Tell him, "I know bored.
Sorry hungry.
Horny bad.
Space Force good.
Help Space Force.
Get banana."
"No smell banana. Where banana?"
Banana there.
Special banana.
Frozen banana.
Mmm! Banana.
Why are we doing this?
Open the cage.
Let him come out and put on his helmet.
If we can get the helmet on
and the camera turned on,
and if he looks at the right tool
on the tool wall,
I think I can get him to pick it up.
But those are big ifs.
He's doing it.
Look at that, look at that.
There he goes. There he goes!
There! There, he... Look at... He did it!
He did it. He's ready for his spacewalk.
Goddamnit, I love this fucking chimp!
Okay.
There's the tool wall.
What do you think
the best tool would be for the job?
Probably the cordless drill.
Tell him, "Pick up the cordless drill."
That's not how it works.
We have to wait till he looks at it.
How much time left, Chan?
Six hours, 18 minutes.
Okay, I'm gonna
check on Yamato's team.
You keep playing with Murderous George.
Get the... Get it! Get the drill!
The half-angle identity
of a tangent is normally written as
tangent alpha over two...
equals sine alpha
over one plus cosine Alpha...
Grandpa?
Oh, you're back.
How was Mexico?
Hey, did those kidnappers
get the money I wired them?
Oh, Grandpa, you have got to stop
wiring money to scammers.
I had no choice.
They were gonna sell you
to a brothel in Guadalajara.
That's no life for a young lady.
Okay.
I'm gonna send you an article
from the AARP about Internet scams, okay?
I won't even open it.
Never clink on a link
with the word "scam" in it, honey.
There's too many con artists out there.
Wait, what... what time is it there?
Oh, jeez, I don't know.
My heart beats so slow lately.
I don't even really sleep.
Do you know anything about trig?
Trig? Yeah.
That was the name of Roy Rogers' horse.
Why, you doing a crossword?
Oh, no. Oh, God. Here we go.
Uh, Erin, I'll talk to you later.
There's something going down over here.
Your grandma needs me.
Uh, I gotta adjust that machine of hers.
I've been giving her too much air.
Okay. Love you.
Love you, too. Just get that money
back to me whenever you can.
There!
Oh, shit. He swung past again.
I think he is slowing down, though.
- Two hours left.
- I know that, Chan. Thank you.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Press the laser.
Oh, no, he just turned away.
Oh, cr... No. Okay. There he goes!
He's looking at it again! Right now!
No, missed it.
Okay. That...
Go! Now go! He's there.
Go! Press it!
Yes! He did it!
All right!
Okay, now we're talking.
Okay. Good. Good. Finally, he's doing it.
Tell Marcus to go to the airlock.
It is time for our spacewalk.
Should I tell Dr. Mallory?
Let's surprise him
with a successful mission.
Aw, you're killing it, boss man!
What are you doing here?
Well, I saw history being made.
I couldn't resist being a part of it.
So, up top.
I fired you 17 hours ago.
Yeah, you know what? In my experience,
there's "fired," and then there's fired.
This one felt more like
a "fired" type thing.
But if I'm fired, I'm fired. I get it.
Don't even think about it now.
You're busy. I'm not even here.
You're crushing it.
You can do it, Marcus.
Yeah!
Holy shit.
He's got the chimp out of the capsule.
Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.
There we go. Yeah.
All right. Good.
Dr. Mallory, just in time
to see a Space Force hero
kicking ass at the scene.
So, how fast is he approaching Epsilon?
Two miles an hour in relative speed.
He should be able to grab the fin
and use the drill
to connect the panel
onto the body of the craft.
- We can take over from there.
- Marcus! You're doing great.
You see that fin?
That is where you grab on.
Grab fin. Grab fin.
Now grab the drill!
Pick up drill!
Both! Pick up both! Fin and the drill.
Grab fin. Grab fin.
Also drill. No!
Both fin and drill. Fin and drill.
All right. No. Don't...
What is he... No.
Marcus, don't hit that. Bad Marcus.
- Don't do that.
- Whoa.
No!
- Wait, he can't bend that.
- All right, no, no, no!
No, no, no. That's very valuable.
Don't smash. What are you telling him?
Marcus, no smash!
- What is he doing?
- He's frustrated.
He's frustrated?
You tell him
that I've been up for 24 hours,
and my career is at stake!
There's really no word for "career"
in primate sign language,
so I'll just say, "Food-work in danger."
Wait.
Wait.
He's doing it!
Drill, Marcus!
Drill for banana.
Drill for the general's food-work.
Look, the lights.
There we go! All right. All right.
Wait! Hold off. Have him hold off.
Wait. Marcus, stop!
Oh!
Whoa, whoa. Shouldn't he let go?
- Or should he hold... What? What should...
- I don't...
Is he supposed to let go or hold on?
Get him to let go of it!
Tell him to release the drill!
- Tell him to release!
- Release, Marcus. Release! Release!
Hoo-hoo...
Oh! Damn it!
Oh, mother of God.
What happened to the tether?
Snapped, it looks like.
Oh, damn it.
He's heading on a trajectory
to intercept the sun sometime next week.
Oh, fuck me!
Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, Marcus...
Oh, you did not deserve that, Marcus.
You tried so hard.
Oh, God.
- Brad.
- Yes, sir?
See to it that he is awarded
the highest service medal
that he is eligible for.
Well, he's not eligible for anything
because he's an animal.
He is not an animal! He is a spaceman!
And no spaceman gets left behind.
Even one that eats babies.
And how is that different than veal?
How much will it cost
to go up and rescue him?
You know what? No.
No! I don't even wanna know!
- 'Cause we are doing it.
- It's about 50 to 400 million dollars.
Bleh. Okay, well, he was gonna die anyway.
No! No!
We are bringing him home!
- Can he still hear us?
- Probably.
Marcus...
this is General Naird.
Thank you, Marcus.
It is very difficult for an officer
to send a spaceman into harm's way.
Hoo...
And this...
did not go as planned.
Clearly.
Long story short,
you are going to be
hurtling towards the sun for about a week,
but then... a giant metal space friend
will come and rescue you, Marcus.
Yes.
Yes, Marcus.
Hoo-hoo.
Hoo... hoo.
We are awarding you the Two Star Rampant
of the Space Force Ultimate Service Medal.
Marcus, God bless you.
You represent the best in all of us.
I knew that chimp.
I managed his Facebook page.
I follow him, yeah.
Hoo...
All right!
Let's try Theodore.
- Who?
- The dog.
The husky. Let's see
if he can hold the drill in his mouth.
What is that?
I believe that Marcus,
at some point in the last two weeks,
must have eaten Theodore.
Seriously?
Well, that sucks.
And I just said
he represents the best in all of us.
Take that back!
Brad, no medal for that asshole.
The dog is eaten. Oh, my God.
He ate the dog.
Theodore is the real hero here,
not that fuckin' monkey!
How much time do we have left?
Looks like 11 minutes.
Eleven minutes.
All right, let's try Yamato's idea.
That won't work now.
Don't be a sore loser, Adrian.
- Just try it!
- No, it's impossible.
His idea was to gently push
the panels back toward the craft,
but now your chimp
has flung them way past the craft,
so we would have to pull them back,
and there's nothing
we can transmit from Earth
that will pull anything.
Are you sure?
Yes, quite.
I wish we had a tractor beam
like in Star Trek.
- Well, we don't have...
- I know that.
'Cause they don't exist.
Yes, yes, yes.
Whose is that?
Switch to Marcus's helmet cam.
The Chinese.
They've made a full orbit.
Those assholes.
Oh, no, no, no, Marcus.
No.
Marcus!
Mar... No. Resist, Marcus.
Do not go willingly.
Remember the military code, Marcus.
No!
You will resist the enemy at all costs.
Marcus, don't...
Do not go with them!
Marcus, they are the...
You're not doing it.
You!
Dog-eating bastard!
Uh...
Sec Def is on the phone.
I'll take it in my office.
Hello.
So, I understand
something is wrong with the Epsilon.
Yes,
I took over the rescue efforts personally,
and it all pretty much went sideways.
We've got a chimpstronaut
in Chinese hands.
I take full responsibility.
Did anyone try to bomb anything?
I was talked out of it
by the science team.
I will tender my resignation to POTUS.
I think you're being
a little hard on yourself. Get some rest.
Sounds like you've been awake
and working for two days straight.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, thanks for the pineapple, sir.
- I got it last night.
- Hmm?
Oh.
Jesus, it feels like a week ago.
Well, I really screwed up tonight,
spaceman.
We all make mistakes, sir.
Did anybody die?
Theodore.
The dogstronaut.
- "The dog..."
- He was a good boy.
So cute, and he could catch.
It's our first Space Force casualty.
It's just sort of weighing on me.
Yeah, um, how did it happen?
He was eaten by a crewmate.
A chimpstronaut...
who is now a POW in a Chinese satellite.
You have a difficult job, sir.
That chimp better keep
his fuckin' mouth shut.
Hey.
Bug.
Oh, hey.
Hey. How'd the homework go?
Not good.
There was some stuff
I didn't understand, so...
Okay, well, let's figure it out.
No, come on. You look exhausted.
I'll make it up later in the year
with extra credit or something.
No. Save extra credit for a rainy day.
We have time. Yeah... Yep. Let's do it.
Dad.
It's okay. I'm good.
You can bet the dads
in China and Russia and India
aren't too tired to help
with a little math homework.
You need to know math, kiddo.
You could invent the thing
that saves the world.
That's sweet, but come on, let's be real.
I'm being as real as a cinder block.
Okay.
Okay, so on this one,
we're dealing with radians.
- So...
- Oh, radians. Here we go.
Okay, so the sine value is just the height
of the Y coordinate or two.
But now they wanna know the arcsine.
Or the...
- Um...
- What's your angle?
- Um, forty-five.
- Forty-five.
- And the other one is 45.
- Right.
So 90 right angle.
Really pretty easy.
I could be remembering something
from SAT prep.
Draw the unit circle.
- What? What is it?
- Take a look.
Goddamnit!
Motherfucker!
We have to get back to work!
Wait, are you okay to drive?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
Oh, yeah! Acts of foreign aggression
really sober me up!
Perhaps I come in, and we finish this.
Can't. Lots of math homework due tomorrow.
Great, I'll help you.
It's gonna be like a study date.
It's trig.
We do trigonometry in grade six back home.
Nerd.
Anyway, my father wouldn't approve.
Of study?
Of you helping.
He does it with me.
Makes sure I struggle enough.
It looks all lit up,
but no car in driveway.
I don't think he's home.
Maybe I should go in.
Nah.
He promised he'd do it with me.
He's in there,
waiting to pounce 'cause I'm late.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Dad?
And what do you estimate
the velocities are?
Yes. Understood.
The solar panels are still close
to the Epsilon unit
but on a slightly different trajectory.
My guys are estimating
we have around ten hours
before they're too far away to reattach.
Ten hours? Easy.
We're gonna Apollo 13
the shit out of this thing!
Space Force spirit!
Assess and inventory?
The panel joints were snipped cleanly
in the open position.
It'll provide power
if we can get it to touch Epsilon 6,
and if we do nothing,
it'll fall into atmosphere
and burn up by tomorrow morning.
Okay, team, what do we think?
I think we should try to get the panels
and reattach them.
Good. That's a good suggestion. Good.
Okay, team, what do we think?
Suppose we leave the panels
on their trajectory
and use Epsilon's adjustment thrusters
to bring the craft to the panels?
- Interesting.
- Great. Done.
And how are we powering the thrusters?
Because the panels were the power source.
Ah.
The connection nubs are exposed.
Microwave irradiation of the nubs
from the Alaska Microwave Telescope
might generate enough
for thruster ignition.
The craft will be above Alaska
in 15 minutes.
Uh-huh.
It's almost dinnertime in Alaska.
Are we sure that the nips will be exposed?
Nubs, sir.
I'm here.
What's going on?
Oh! This is a fun
sleepover kind of energy, huh?
Get Alaska on the phone.
- Yes, sir.
- No, don't bother.
The panels are headed for the atmosphere.
So... hurry, right?
The nubs won't generate enough power
to change directions.
Epsilon will burn up.
Never mind. Stupid. Stupid!
How did this guy get hired?
I'm the foremost aeronautical
engineering theorist in Belgium.
Oh, well, I didn't realize
that Belgium had a space force.
Belgium is part
of the European Space Agency
because Belgium is part of Europe.
Great, 'cause there's nothing stronger
than a European Union.
What's after Brexit?
Frexit? Swexit?
Shall we brainstorm?
Yeah, let's do that.
Let's break up into teams.
Anybody under the rank
of lieutenant general can take notes.
And... anybody who's from Belgium.
Would we ever get
to this flight equation?
- This is the satellite.
- Right.
This is what's come off of the satellite.
Yes, if we enter this way...
As long as the models match.
Keep in mind that we don't have
any glasses or protractors in space.
Would the thrust chamber
assembly cluster...
La-la-la, listen.
Are you familiar with the sonic boom?
Fresh out of the oven!
Here you go. Cookies.
Take one per person. One.
Careful, they're hot.
Okay.
"Manned space walk from the ISS."
Hmm. That's risky,
and the ISS is 200 kilometers away.
If we ask for outside help,
the whole world will know
that the Chinese bufu'd our satellite.
Next card.
"Solar panels are like light sails.
Push them back with light."
Hmm. That's interesting, Yamato.
It is, but how would we focus the sunlight
in the right direction?
- Retask a LEOT.
- Next card!
That's Low Earth Orbit Telescope.
Next card, please!
Yamato, there is something there.
Why don't you take Swedberg and Carter
and noodle it around a little bit?
Good idea.
Okay, what have we here?
This says...
"Bomb."
I don't know if that is a noun, a verb,
or an adjective describing my outfit.
All right,
let's not just dismiss that out of hand.
What about a bomb?
In my experience with the Air Force,
that was very often the right answer.
Very, very often.
Are we now pretending
we have tons of time?
We don't!
Okay, then who would like to elaborate
on their idea of "bomb"?
All right, it was me!
Maybe it's a small smart bomb,
very targeted.
I don't see how that could help.
All right, a big fuckin' bomb.
That was my first instinct, anyway.
- That's no better.
- Shockwaves!
- It's a vacuum.
- Space is a vacuum.
Vandeveld, take Chan,
and work out the details.
Noodle it around.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
"Tangent X"?
Dad!
Assess and inventory.
What assets do we have
within a 100-mile radius of Epsilon?
Four pieces of space junk
consisting of three bags of garbage
from a 1990 shuttle mission and a Tesla.
Also, there's something here
that this computer only identifies
as "Mission X-12."
I don't have the security clearance
to see what it is.
Use my code. I'll type it in.
Okay.
Okay. It's open.
Assess and inventory.
This launched two months ago.
On board: assault rifles, ten.
Assault rifles?
This was not
a scientifically useful mission, guys.
I kept it from you.
It was a very successful mission,
ordered by POTUS himself,
which proved that assault rifles
will work in the vacuum of space.
Which was never in doubt.
But now the Manchester Arms Company
can advertise the R-9
as the official Space Force gun
for committing mass shootings on the moon.
Or hunting.
Okay, okay, no politics, please!
We all took an oath
to defend the Constitution,
not a political party.
We are all Americans here.
Even Chan and Vanden-f-flank.
- I'm an EU citizen.
- Canadian.
Indian immigrant. On a green card.
- Sri Lankan with an O-1 work visa.
- We don't have time for this!
Keep going, Chan.
Okay, also on board:
assorted tool package 2-A.
Bags of chimp food, ten.
Bags of dog food, ten.
Chimp, adult male.
Dog, adult male.
I’m in charge of animal experimentation.
Why were there animals on board?
Would you like to handle that?
The White House felt very strongly
that footage of a dogstronaut
and a chimpstronaut would be worthwhile
and would be, um...
what's the word?
Viral.
That reminds me,
someone release Fuck Tony from the brig.
So the groundbreaking science
was not enough.
We needed a literal dog and pony show,
recast with a chimp.
Yes!
But that is something
that we can work with.
We have a manned flight
or man's best friend.
We have personnel in the field.
Yes, but we have the best personnel
here on the ground,
and surely it is the people
who invented the bus,
rather than the driver,
who are the best people to fix it.
You're talking to a pilot.
Remember who flies the plane.
Most planes fly by autopilot.
- Shut up, Chan.
- Well, most buses, too.
Soon, everybody will be out of a job,
except scientists.
I think Yamato's light sail team
are our best bet.
Yeah, but I don't understand what that is.
Warren Buffett always says
that he doesn't invest in tech
because he doesn't understand it.
Wait, look,
why do you distrust scientists?
You scientists say
"don't eat carbs" one day,
and "only eat carbs" the next!
Because of the large sample sizes
and long time periods,
dietary science
is by nature an imprecise sci...
Shut up!
I wanna talk to this chimp.
Can we get a video conference going?
Chan, does it say
who trained the dog and the chimp?
Yes. I can have them brought in.
General, I have to warn you.
We've pretty much ignored these animals
for the last two weeks.
It seems there was no provisions made
to bring them home, so we...
ghosted them.
You what?
It's standard. The reentry capsules
are too expensive for animal missions.
So, Laika, Gordie, Dezik,
- Lisa, Albert II, Albert IV...
- Four.
Were all left there
after the mission was accomplished,
which, in this case,
was apparently obtaining cute footage.
That's horrible.
Not nice.
Shame on us!
I found some of the footage.
That is cute, though.
Ah. Mission accomplished.
- Play it again.
- No time. Come on, Brad.
I'm Marcus and Theodore's trainer.
Ah. Uh, which one is the dog?
Uh, Theodore.
Well, first things first,
which one would better suited
to fix something?
Okay, well, probably Marcus.
It's way more difficult
for a dog to handle a tool.
What exactly are you expecting him to do?
I want him to do a spacewalk
outside of the capsule,
and weld two solar panels
back onto the Epsilon 6.
Okay, well, that's not gonna happen.
It had better happen
because it is our best hope
of salvaging a satellite worth billions.
Our best hope are Yamato's light sails.
Shh! Corporal,
what are the challenges here?
Well, it takes quite a while
to train a new behavior,
and this sounds like
a string of new behaviors.
Uh, the experiment ended
at least ten days ago,
so I don't know what treats are left
to reinforce him with.
What about duty?
Is that not enough of a treat anymore?
Look, I'll do my best.
And I will try to impress upon him
the importance of this new mission.
All right,
so how do you communicate with...
What? Marcus is it?
Uh... sign language.
You do realize this is a chimpanzee?
Yes. Yes, of course.
A Space Force chimpanzee named Marcus.
All right, get him up on the screen.
We do not have much time.
Marcus!
Marcus?
Here, Marcus!
Up here.
What is he doing? Is he signing something?
Yes. He's saying "baby monkey."
Oh. Jesus, he misses his children.
No. In nature, chimps eat baby monkeys
whenever they can their hands on them.
Google it.
Probably just sick of
his regular chimp food.
Oh, my word.
This is absolutely disgusting. Look.
Yeah, they eat human babies, too.
- Look that up.
- Stop. Stop. It's a wild animal.
Oh, my God!
He has a different morality,
and NASA was riddled with ex-Nazis,
so... who are we to cast stones?
All right.
Tell Marcus we will get him baby monkey.
But first, he has to do something for us.
Something for his country.
We're not going to give him baby monkey.
Of course we're not, Dr. Wolf,
but sometimes you have to lie to people
in order to motivate them.
Like your promotion or your sabbatical.
- What?
- Tell him!
We know Marcus want treat.
But first, Marcus go outside.
"Go outside, die."
No die. Helmet.
He can put on his helmet.
That's one of his behaviors.
Also, his helmet has a laser
that we can activate,
and when it shines on something,
Marcus will try to manipulate that thing.
"Bored. Hungry. Horny."
Tell him, "I know bored.
Sorry hungry.
Horny bad.
Space Force good.
Help Space Force.
Get banana."
"No smell banana. Where banana?"
Banana there.
Special banana.
Frozen banana.
Mmm! Banana.
Why are we doing this?
Open the cage.
Let him come out and put on his helmet.
If we can get the helmet on
and the camera turned on,
and if he looks at the right tool
on the tool wall,
I think I can get him to pick it up.
But those are big ifs.
He's doing it.
Look at that, look at that.
There he goes. There he goes!
There! There, he... Look at... He did it!
He did it. He's ready for his spacewalk.
Goddamnit, I love this fucking chimp!
Okay.
There's the tool wall.
What do you think
the best tool would be for the job?
Probably the cordless drill.
Tell him, "Pick up the cordless drill."
That's not how it works.
We have to wait till he looks at it.
How much time left, Chan?
Six hours, 18 minutes.
Okay, I'm gonna
check on Yamato's team.
You keep playing with Murderous George.
Get the... Get it! Get the drill!
The half-angle identity
of a tangent is normally written as
tangent alpha over two...
equals sine alpha
over one plus cosine Alpha...
Grandpa?
Oh, you're back.
How was Mexico?
Hey, did those kidnappers
get the money I wired them?
Oh, Grandpa, you have got to stop
wiring money to scammers.
I had no choice.
They were gonna sell you
to a brothel in Guadalajara.
That's no life for a young lady.
Okay.
I'm gonna send you an article
from the AARP about Internet scams, okay?
I won't even open it.
Never clink on a link
with the word "scam" in it, honey.
There's too many con artists out there.
Wait, what... what time is it there?
Oh, jeez, I don't know.
My heart beats so slow lately.
I don't even really sleep.
Do you know anything about trig?
Trig? Yeah.
That was the name of Roy Rogers' horse.
Why, you doing a crossword?
Oh, no. Oh, God. Here we go.
Uh, Erin, I'll talk to you later.
There's something going down over here.
Your grandma needs me.
Uh, I gotta adjust that machine of hers.
I've been giving her too much air.
Okay. Love you.
Love you, too. Just get that money
back to me whenever you can.
There!
Oh, shit. He swung past again.
I think he is slowing down, though.
- Two hours left.
- I know that, Chan. Thank you.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Press the laser.
Oh, no, he just turned away.
Oh, cr... No. Okay. There he goes!
He's looking at it again! Right now!
No, missed it.
Okay. That...
Go! Now go! He's there.
Go! Press it!
Yes! He did it!
All right!
Okay, now we're talking.
Okay. Good. Good. Finally, he's doing it.
Tell Marcus to go to the airlock.
It is time for our spacewalk.
Should I tell Dr. Mallory?
Let's surprise him
with a successful mission.
Aw, you're killing it, boss man!
What are you doing here?
Well, I saw history being made.
I couldn't resist being a part of it.
So, up top.
I fired you 17 hours ago.
Yeah, you know what? In my experience,
there's "fired," and then there's fired.
This one felt more like
a "fired" type thing.
But if I'm fired, I'm fired. I get it.
Don't even think about it now.
You're busy. I'm not even here.
You're crushing it.
You can do it, Marcus.
Yeah!
Holy shit.
He's got the chimp out of the capsule.
Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.
There we go. Yeah.
All right. Good.
Dr. Mallory, just in time
to see a Space Force hero
kicking ass at the scene.
So, how fast is he approaching Epsilon?
Two miles an hour in relative speed.
He should be able to grab the fin
and use the drill
to connect the panel
onto the body of the craft.
- We can take over from there.
- Marcus! You're doing great.
You see that fin?
That is where you grab on.
Grab fin. Grab fin.
Now grab the drill!
Pick up drill!
Both! Pick up both! Fin and the drill.
Grab fin. Grab fin.
Also drill. No!
Both fin and drill. Fin and drill.
All right. No. Don't...
What is he... No.
Marcus, don't hit that. Bad Marcus.
- Don't do that.
- Whoa.
No!
- Wait, he can't bend that.
- All right, no, no, no!
No, no, no. That's very valuable.
Don't smash. What are you telling him?
Marcus, no smash!
- What is he doing?
- He's frustrated.
He's frustrated?
You tell him
that I've been up for 24 hours,
and my career is at stake!
There's really no word for "career"
in primate sign language,
so I'll just say, "Food-work in danger."
Wait.
Wait.
He's doing it!
Drill, Marcus!
Drill for banana.
Drill for the general's food-work.
Look, the lights.
There we go! All right. All right.
Wait! Hold off. Have him hold off.
Wait. Marcus, stop!
Oh!
Whoa, whoa. Shouldn't he let go?
- Or should he hold... What? What should...
- I don't...
Is he supposed to let go or hold on?
Get him to let go of it!
Tell him to release the drill!
- Tell him to release!
- Release, Marcus. Release! Release!
Hoo-hoo...
Oh! Damn it!
Oh, mother of God.
What happened to the tether?
Snapped, it looks like.
Oh, damn it.
He's heading on a trajectory
to intercept the sun sometime next week.
Oh, fuck me!
Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, Marcus...
Oh, you did not deserve that, Marcus.
You tried so hard.
Oh, God.
- Brad.
- Yes, sir?
See to it that he is awarded
the highest service medal
that he is eligible for.
Well, he's not eligible for anything
because he's an animal.
He is not an animal! He is a spaceman!
And no spaceman gets left behind.
Even one that eats babies.
And how is that different than veal?
How much will it cost
to go up and rescue him?
You know what? No.
No! I don't even wanna know!
- 'Cause we are doing it.
- It's about 50 to 400 million dollars.
Bleh. Okay, well, he was gonna die anyway.
No! No!
We are bringing him home!
- Can he still hear us?
- Probably.
Marcus...
this is General Naird.
Thank you, Marcus.
It is very difficult for an officer
to send a spaceman into harm's way.
Hoo...
And this...
did not go as planned.
Clearly.
Long story short,
you are going to be
hurtling towards the sun for about a week,
but then... a giant metal space friend
will come and rescue you, Marcus.
Yes.
Yes, Marcus.
Hoo-hoo.
Hoo... hoo.
We are awarding you the Two Star Rampant
of the Space Force Ultimate Service Medal.
Marcus, God bless you.
You represent the best in all of us.
I knew that chimp.
I managed his Facebook page.
I follow him, yeah.
Hoo...
All right!
Let's try Theodore.
- Who?
- The dog.
The husky. Let's see
if he can hold the drill in his mouth.
What is that?
I believe that Marcus,
at some point in the last two weeks,
must have eaten Theodore.
Seriously?
Well, that sucks.
And I just said
he represents the best in all of us.
Take that back!
Brad, no medal for that asshole.
The dog is eaten. Oh, my God.
He ate the dog.
Theodore is the real hero here,
not that fuckin' monkey!
How much time do we have left?
Looks like 11 minutes.
Eleven minutes.
All right, let's try Yamato's idea.
That won't work now.
Don't be a sore loser, Adrian.
- Just try it!
- No, it's impossible.
His idea was to gently push
the panels back toward the craft,
but now your chimp
has flung them way past the craft,
so we would have to pull them back,
and there's nothing
we can transmit from Earth
that will pull anything.
Are you sure?
Yes, quite.
I wish we had a tractor beam
like in Star Trek.
- Well, we don't have...
- I know that.
'Cause they don't exist.
Yes, yes, yes.
Whose is that?
Switch to Marcus's helmet cam.
The Chinese.
They've made a full orbit.
Those assholes.
Oh, no, no, no, Marcus.
No.
Marcus!
Mar... No. Resist, Marcus.
Do not go willingly.
Remember the military code, Marcus.
No!
You will resist the enemy at all costs.
Marcus, don't...
Do not go with them!
Marcus, they are the...
You're not doing it.
You!
Dog-eating bastard!
Uh...
Sec Def is on the phone.
I'll take it in my office.
Hello.
So, I understand
something is wrong with the Epsilon.
Yes,
I took over the rescue efforts personally,
and it all pretty much went sideways.
We've got a chimpstronaut
in Chinese hands.
I take full responsibility.
Did anyone try to bomb anything?
I was talked out of it
by the science team.
I will tender my resignation to POTUS.
I think you're being
a little hard on yourself. Get some rest.
Sounds like you've been awake
and working for two days straight.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, thanks for the pineapple, sir.
- I got it last night.
- Hmm?
Oh.
Jesus, it feels like a week ago.
Well, I really screwed up tonight,
spaceman.
We all make mistakes, sir.
Did anybody die?
Theodore.
The dogstronaut.
- "The dog..."
- He was a good boy.
So cute, and he could catch.
It's our first Space Force casualty.
It's just sort of weighing on me.
Yeah, um, how did it happen?
He was eaten by a crewmate.
A chimpstronaut...
who is now a POW in a Chinese satellite.
You have a difficult job, sir.
That chimp better keep
his fuckin' mouth shut.
Hey.
Bug.
Oh, hey.
Hey. How'd the homework go?
Not good.
There was some stuff
I didn't understand, so...
Okay, well, let's figure it out.
No, come on. You look exhausted.
I'll make it up later in the year
with extra credit or something.
No. Save extra credit for a rainy day.
We have time. Yeah... Yep. Let's do it.
Dad.
It's okay. I'm good.
You can bet the dads
in China and Russia and India
aren't too tired to help
with a little math homework.
You need to know math, kiddo.
You could invent the thing
that saves the world.
That's sweet, but come on, let's be real.
I'm being as real as a cinder block.
Okay.
Okay, so on this one,
we're dealing with radians.
- So...
- Oh, radians. Here we go.
Okay, so the sine value is just the height
of the Y coordinate or two.
But now they wanna know the arcsine.
Or the...
- Um...
- What's your angle?
- Um, forty-five.
- Forty-five.
- And the other one is 45.
- Right.
So 90 right angle.
Really pretty easy.
I could be remembering something
from SAT prep.
Draw the unit circle.