South Side (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Spirit of Kwanzaa - full transcript

Yeah, I do like that.
I got the fancy look, see?

Yeah. Let me get the...

You touch it... make sure you
buy it if you touch it now.

I just want to get my candy.

I can get you
that right there.

Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey, man. No, no.

No more Now and Laters.
More like never nevers.

I told you last customer
three "last customers" ago.

- Sir, stop buying.
- Oh, is that the Simeons?

- That's the Simeons.
- Turner.

Brothers
and broth-ettes, uh...



Oh, nice. An African
marketplace... I'm with that.

I'm going on break.
Watch my shit.

- I got you.
- Case you need to make change.

Chongos.

Speaking of,
on theme, on theme,

this is a cultural initiative
that my office is sponsoring.

Brother, why don't
you read it aloud?

Tell everybody what it's about.

I have
a Samsung Galaxy II Plus.

Do you have
a power cord for that?

So, uh, 51st Ward's
Kwanzaa Film Fest.

Film fest?

Winner gets $500.

♪ I was born
on the South Side ♪



♪ I was raised
on the South Side ♪

♪ Everybody stick together
like we in the line ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't no side
like the South Side ♪

♪ On the South Side ♪

♪ South Side ♪

Wow, this is great.

You already wrote your script
for the contest?

No, I've been working
on this project.

The contest just giving
me an opportunity

to finally make it.

It's a reality show about
having to save a cotillion.

Ooh.

That sounds like a voluptuous
opportunity for drama.

- 'Cause it is.
- Yes.

Wait. You actually wrote
a reality show?

Yeah, they're all written.
I mean, I can show you...

- Not you.
- Mm-mm.

- Damn.
- Mm-mm.

I could show anybody
a script,

'cause, yes,
they're all written.

And it's about Kwanzaa?

Girl...
well, I'll figure that out.

And that part...

My name is Dr. Princess.

I'm a world-class surgeon,
and these gifted hands

are Rated E
for "every bitch."

I got the gift.

I talk to the spirits of our
ancestors, and they talk back.

I believe rumors
are like hot and heavy legs.

They're just itching
to be spread.

I sell crack.

I ain't got time.

That was drama.

I'll call you back.

It's my way or the highway.

And after my highway accident,
these arms were donated.

"Cotillionaires: Chicago."

Ooh, this is nice.

Y'all come on in.
Come on in.

Ali, you so funny.

Today we're at a cotillion,

which is like
a Black debutante ball.

We do dances,
and we practice etiquette.

And, you know,
it's real fancy

and classy and stuff.

Calliope used to be

this really famous infomercial
psychic back in the day.

God bless you.

Ah-shay, ah-shay.

She was going to
be our host,

but we had to make some changes
because she had an incident,

and we also had to uninvite
all the kids

'cause of said incident.

Uh, hi, Miss Calliope.
My name...

Damn!

Can a bitch eat?

Fuck!

Hold on, Selena.

No, we can talk about it.

When I was a child,
I was visited

and severely beaten by a spirit
of a shy boy in a cast.

So, recently, when
I was accosted

by a shy boy in a cast,

it triggered something.

Can a bitch eat?
Fuck!

I love kids, and I'm sorry.

What was that
little boy's name?

I'm sorry, ShaJhonson.

- Sorry.
- Shit.

It happens sometimes.
It happens.

Now, the first step of a
cotillion is etiquette class.

So I brought in Boutiqua Jones.
She the best in the game, okay?

And she is fancy as shit.

Thank you, Dr. Princess.

Now, this isn't my first roll
in the hays of cotillionism.

Yes, it was funny,
what I said.

I've hosted and attended many.

I also spent a semester
in London.

- Ooh!
- Mm!

And one
at the Sorbonne, so...

Bienvenue to my class, loves.

It's good
banter and all of that.

Yes, we love it.
Yes.

All right,
let's get into the lesson.

- Okay.
- This is a salad fork.

Okay, it's for leaves.

Gwen, write that down.
For leaves.

- For leaves.
- For leaves.

- For leaves.
- And O-leaves.

Excuse me, miss.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

She's talking about olives.
But you know what I loves?

Drugs.

O-leaves... olives.

Olives.

Okay.

And as you all know, the
best part of a cotillion

is looking fabulous.

So I commissioned
my girl Elegant Maude

to make us all
cotillion dresses.

Princess over here,
she did my surgery.

So I was able to make you
all some fabulous dresses

with my transplanted arms!

Ooh.

These bitches got me skressed.

Ladies!

Here they are!

Dr. Princess must have bought
those arms

from Ross Dress for Less,

because those dresses
are irregular.

Um, excuse me.
Hi.

I know this isn't the reason
why we're all here today,

but I can't sit up in here
and be fake, okay?

Elegant Maude is
trying to have us

look like a slutty-ass version
of American Girl dolls.

American Ho dolls.

And I'm not
with the shits, okay?

Some dolls are hos.

Slumber Party Barbie?

That's the bitch who only had
one change of clothes

and a gym bag.

What the fuck was she
doing in the evenings?

Now that we've
had etiquette class,

it's time for our fancy dinner.

And I, for one, board-certified
neurosurgeon Dr. Princess,

cannot wait to see
the Cotillionaires

in their formal wear.

Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting the Cotillionaires!

So did none of y'all
wear the dresses that I made?

Ungrateful heifers!

Do y'all know how hard it is to
sew with somebody else's arms?

Bitch, you ain't even wear
the dress yourself!

That part. I was waiting for
someone to say...

Girl, the earrings are far
too pretty to be dangling

next to tears, darling.

- That was beautiful.
- Listen to her.

Elegant Maude, I'm getting
a message from the other side.

It's from the lady
whose arms you have.

She said she could have made
better dresses with her feet!

Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait.

And I'm the thickest one here.

Boo!

How about that?

Get off of your royal horse.

Every last one of you,
especially you, Calliope,

sitting over there
with somebody else's man

that's not even your husband.

Okay, that's
Elegant Maude's husband.

He a cheater!
You a cheater, sir!

Damn!
You know she's right, though.

You could see it in his eyes.

My husband is not a cheater.

I am.
I am!

I am!
I am!

Oh, excuse me
for trying to help you.

You know what?

Y'all not going to
ruin this for me, okay?

I am still going to
have a great cotillion,

and the night will end with
my very beautiful song,

"There She Go, Queen Cotillion,
There She Go, She a Star."

It's about strength.

It's about triumph.
It's about me.

It's about the days.
It's about the nights.

It's about the sky
and the ground.

Okay, Dr. Princess,

well, while that sounds
like a song we can all learn

something from,

um, I regret to inform you
that before you got here,

the judges did let us know
that there would be

no music or singing allowed.

- It's in the rule book.
- Rule book?

I didn't get no damn rule book.

There isn't one.

I'm just making this shit up
as I go.

I am the rule book.

- You calling me a liar?
- Yes!

Ooh, no, no, no, no, bitch.

I didn't get a rule book.

Did anybody else
get a rule book?

You know what?
This is all your fault!

This why I don't like
coming around y'all.

- Aah!
- Oh, shit!

Too much!

No, you not trying
to throw bread at me.

Control your arms, bitch.
What are you doing?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.
Oh!

- Oh, shit!
- You hit Antonia!

She's a person!

After Antonia got
hit in the head,

she ain't know
who the hell she was.

Hi.
I'm pro skater Tony Hawk.

And my ex played
a lot of games.

Psychologically,
what she went through

was delusions of grandeur.

It happens to a lot
of blunt-force-trauma patients

that I've seen in my career.

Previously on
"Cotillionaires: Chicago"...

Bienvenue
to my class, loves.

Ladies!

Here they are!

Hi.
I'm pro skater Tony Hawk.

"Cotillionaires: Chicago."

Now, ladies, José,
we cannot go forward

until we figure out this mess.

None of you sluts wore
you clothes except for José.

Oh, don't get it twisted.
I'm a slut, too.

- And you...
- Uh-uh.

- You.
- Mm-hmm.

You said you loved them.

Oh, baby, didn't
nobody say that.

I said that I loved
that you made dresses.

I loved that for your healing.

It was supposed
to be therapeutic.

I'm also a therapist.

This isn't therapy.
This, honey...

This is couture.

- Girl.
- What?

You got a whole-ass
nother dress

attached to another dress
attached to another dress...

Attached to another dress.

Read her.

Now that the air is clear,
it's time for the waltz,

and I'm just so ecstatic
for them.

They worked very, very hard
for two straight days.

I love your gloves.

I'm just going
to step over here

and just rehearse
for just, like, two seconds.

I'll be right back.

♪ Me, me, me, me,
me, me, me, not you ♪

♪ I, I, I, I, I, I, not we ♪

This evening is messy
but not messy enough.

And, frankly, I ain't trying
to hear no damn singing.

♪ Me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, not you ♪

Oh, it's a squirrel.
Go ahead, squirrel.

♪ Run, run, run, run, run, run,
little squirrel ♪

Oh, my shoe.

I'm going to take
this bitch breath away.

Cotillionaires and escorts,
please, to the floor.

Oh.

If anybody wants my autograph,

I'll be right here...
Especially kids.

I know Calliope apologized.

But ShaJhonson was my nephew.

That's right, was.

He died...

of embarrassment.

ShaJhonson ain't
handling it well.

That's his dad.

That's why I'm going
to kill her with a bomb

as soon as I can remember
where I placed it.

I did lose it
on account of the drug use.

I love drugs.

Y'all see him trying
to make me jealous?

He dancing like he want
to do something...

twice!

And Amelia Earhart watching.

You too nasty, Amelia.
That's why your plane crashed.

Ask Captain Sully.

You can't fly
when you horny.

Bird strike.
His dick was hard.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the climax
of the evening... the grand bow.

- Hey. Hey, Dr. Princess.
- What?

Twist a just texted me
right now

and say he coming up to the
cotillion to propose to you.

- What?
- Yes.

- I love Twist a.
- I know.

But that's so fast,
even for him.

Well, he's saying
when you know, you know.

You got to go!
Hurry!

What the fuck?

Where's... where's my inhaler?

Hey, girl.

Calliope took your inhaler and
she ain't wash her hands first.

Girl, fuck you and Calliope!

You's a liar.

I might be a wrong bitch,
but I ain't a nasty bitch.

Oh, I don't know about that,

'cause the street
said you's a nasty bitch.

- Oh, is that what they said?
- That's what they said.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey!

Smile.

Okay.

Yes.

Man, I'm tired of this shit.

It's hard trying to show
underprivileged bitches

a good time.

I just want to go home.

Oh.

Hey, man.

People are depending on you
to do kick flips and fakies.

What?

To jump off ramps so high

that every kid everywhere aims

to jump just as high
with their dreams.

It's time to announce
our winner.

As you all know,
the winner of this event

is the Cotillionaire
who bravely sold

the most ads to the community.

And the winner is...

Yes!
Whoo!

Yes.
Yes!

Thank you.
Whoo!

Yes! All right.
Fuck everybody.

That means everybody here,
everybody outside.

I mean fuck everybody.
Thank you so much for this.

First of all, I want to
give a shout out to SJ.

We miss you.
You know what I'm saying?

- You didn't win.
- What?

- It's not you.
- What did you say?

You didn't win.

What do you mean by that?

You did not win,
honey, so I'm going to go

ahead and take that back.

And you'll have to
relive this moment

for the rest
of your life, okay?

- Go ahead.
- You want some drugs?

- No.
- Percocet. Percocet.

$12. Sorry for that.

Damn.

Okay. And the winner
is Dr. Princess!

Please come collect your
crown and sash.

Let me go, bitch.

Damn it!
Yes!

There we go, right there.

Thank you!

Y'all, I was not
expecting this.

But I knew I sold the most ads
two days ago, okay?

I want to give a big shout-out
to East side Florist

in Hyde Park
for their full-page ad.

Thank you so much.

Hey, they fix screens
in the back, y'all.

Just ask for a Bri-Bri.

Now, without further ado...

Ow.

♪ There she go,
Queen Cotillion ♪

♪ There she go ♪

♪ She's a star ♪

♪ There she go,
counting her millions ♪

♪ Her dreams will
take her very far ♪

- ♪ There I go... ♪
- That's the bomb!

Don't nobody move.

I got this, y'all.
You sure it's the red one?

- Here we go.
- No, no, no, no, no!

♪ Wanna be all right ♪

All right, Minolta says 8.4.
It's time to shoot.

Also, they're building an
office tower right next door.

Someone should go
over there and ask them

to not do that
for just two hours.

We need some quiet.

- All in... one, two, three...
- Gayle!

Gayle, are you
paying these kids?

Oh, no. It's the cheapest
labor of all time.

You're terrible.

After all this, I suggest we
all go to Pepperoni's, right?

I'm the new manager over there.
We got the Five Dolla Holla.

- That's right. Pizza for $5.
- Oh, more than one, okay.

You take one and pass it.

Oh, I don't know how
your culture works.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Look, okay, here.

Five Dolla Holla, but each
additional topping is also $5,

which includes
the cheese and the sauce.

Wait, you're
charging for the sauce?

And the cheese.

What about, like, Parmesan
cheese

and those little pepper flakes?
Is that also...

- All that's $5.
- Those are toppings.

Everything that you got to
put on top of it is a topping.

But wait, so the
basic pizza package

is essentially
a wheel of bread?

Q, brother, you always
make things complicated.

You do make
things complicated.

Sorry.
Sorry, Pres.

- Don't ask questions.
- Sorry, Pres. Sorry, Pres.

Simplify it, okay?
Five Dolla Holla.

You know what?
Five Dolla Holla...

Go in with 15 bucks,
get a good pizza... not bad.

One, two, three...

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ We're going down
to Kwanzaa Town ♪

♪ We're going down
to Kwanzaa Town ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ Changes ♪

Bucket, let's
enter that contest.

With what money?

You broke.
I'm broke.

Control-alt-delete, asshole.

There is a God.

♪ Having some fun in
this beautiful sun in Hawaii ♪

♪ Shaking my ass ♪

♪ Just to forget the past
in Hawaii ♪

♪ In Hawaii ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ukulele Barbados,

the owner of the bar...
Who wants to see him hit it?

- All right.
- Nah.

Come on, Ukulele.

Everybody wants to see you get
up and show us what you got.

I said no!

- Barbados!
- Ah!

High five.
Too slow.

Don't trigger Barbados!

The Tahitian
eyeball take down.

Your skills are sharper
than ever, Ukulele.

Colonel Corn, what
the hell do you want?

Your country needs you
for one last job.

Ha!

You said that
six last jobs to go.

His card was declined.
Get a new boyfriend.

Have you heard
of Kwanzaanium?

I have.

It's an extraction from a
fibrous plant, raffia,

found deep
in the Congo rain forest.

Mm.

Known to be
a psychoactive hypnotic.

A dangerous amount
of it was stolen

from a hijacked submarine.

Your government needs you
to get it back.

Colonel Corn,
haven't you heard?

I've retired, and now I own
a bar in rural Hawaii.

We don't serve any
goddamn corn, God damn it.

So, if you're not buying
a drink,

a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich, or a toasted bagel,

get to stepping.

Mm, behold...

pure, unrefined Kwanzaanium.

Carefully extracted from the
bottom of the Atlantic Ocean,

they tell me somewhere
around Georgia.

One drop is enough to control
a Black person's mind.

Imagine telling a brother
to be quiet in the movies...

And he accepts the criticism!

And he doesn't try to fight you
'cause he knows he's wrong.

Imagine you tell a Black woman
what to do,

and she listens.

No more side eye.

Hold up... side down.

Ha ha.

- I got 21 questions.
- What's up 50 Cent?

What are you going to do
about Ukulele Barbados?

Mm.

I've already got
that taken care of.

- What?
- I said...

I already got that...

I got it taken care of.

Say good night,
motherfuckers.

- Denzel Knives' tower.
- Yeah.

He's going to pay for trying
to kill us in Hawaii.

Mm-hmm, thanks for scooping
my brains back into my head.

It's mighty thoughtful of you.

It all begins where
it's going to end.

Die!

Die!

K, crank it!

Wait. Wait.

- No.
- Yeah.

Reverse!
Reverse the flow!

Yeah.
Suck his brains back in.

Ah.

I guess you were exhausted.

Ha ha.

Oh, so I was looking
at some of the pipes and the...

Hey, did you kill
me on purpose?

Yes.

Now that it's just us,
did you mean to kill that guy?

Yes.
I meant to do it.

It's okay
if you made a mistake.

It wasn't a mistake!
He's dead. Look.

Bull's-eye.

Oh, jeez Louise.

Got to be real careful.

This guy's very tricky.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, okay.

Smells like TBD.

- To be determined?
- No.

- Tits, butt, and dick.
- Mm.

Ah!

Yeah.

Guys!
Stop fucking!

No, seriously!
Stop fucking!

Gil.

Gil.

Gil!

Earth to Gil.

Huh?

We have to defeat
these guys.

Now let's work together.
This is all our responsibility.

Good thing I have
proper protection.

Ah!

Ah!
Stepped on my balls.

- My bad.
- No, I liked it.

K!

Grab that circular saw.

- This one?
- Yes!

Turn on the saw and swing the
line in a circular motion.

- The blade will do the rest.
- No way, Uke.

My eyes are terrible.

Then close them!

I believe in you.

Don't let me fall
to the center of the Earth.

Good job!

This feels really dangerous.

It is dangerous.

- Ow!
- I did it!

Oh, my bad.

Good job.

You did a really good job,
I tell you.

But, uh, old Barbados needs
to sit down for a minute.

Take your time.

No.

No.

Just kill me.

Why would I kill you,
Ukulele...

When I can control you?

Now, Ukulele,
I want you to kill

your beloved partner, K.

No.

Uke, come on.

Uke, it's your friend.

Come on,
Remember the sandbox as kids.

Don't do this.
Come on, snap out of it.

Come on, man.
Come on, man.

I know you're
in there somewhere.

Snap out of it.

Only you can control

your own destiny.

Mm!

No amount
of self-determination

can keep your friend
from destroying you!

Self-determination?

That's...

That's Kujichagulia,

one of the seven principles
of Kwanzaa,

along with Kuumba, creativity,

like the creative way
I killed that guy.

Nia, purpose,

when I totally killed
that other guy on purpose.

Umoja, unity,
like when we serve

peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches

and toasted bagels together.

Ujima, collective work
and responsibility,

like when those perverts
collectively worked together

to fuck, then made it their
responsibility

to stop us.

Imani, faith, like when
I had faith in K.

And Ujamaa,
cooperative economics,

that was when, um...

Oh, my brother.

You see, brother, what we
need to do is work together.

Yeah.

A new kind of movie...

That works.

K.

I finally have understanding
and knowledge itself.

Kwanzaa isn't about
controlling Black people.

It's about setting them free.

Kwanzaa!

Kwanzaa!

Kwanzaa!

Gazettes here.

Enjoy your news, sir.

You there,
what day of Kwanzaa is it?

Ujima, sir.

Oh, good.
It's not too late.

I trusted you.

♪ Right back
where I started ♪

♪ So let's get it straight,
get it straight ♪

♪ I've been in the kitchen
with the dinner plate ♪

♪ Dinner plate ♪

♪ Jogging up and down
the fucking interstate ♪

♪ Interstate ♪

♪ Trying to get a check
and cop some real estate ♪

♪ Real estate ♪

♪ I'm that that always
stick his neck out ♪

♪ Might be clocked in at
the job, but I'm checked out ♪

♪ Plotting schemes to get the
things that I dreamt about ♪

♪ I've been in that gym,
I can flex now ♪

♪ Flexing all them
to throw them foes ♪

♪ And blow that dro ♪

♪ You've been stressing,
just forget it ♪

♪ Do your part
and let that go ♪

♪ I go hard,
I bet y'all know ♪

♪ I'm soaked in sauce,
I got that dough ♪

♪ Stepping in the building,
fitting to kill it ♪

♪ Give me that all,
I want that dough ♪

♪ No little bit of clout,
when you ask, they know ♪

♪ Just what about,
it's about that show ♪

♪ And about my bros,
and I'm on my toes ♪

♪ And I'm about my growth,
everything must go ♪

♪ Gave my all,
got to give some more ♪

♪ I got clout,
Got to get some more... ♪